Рикзищяя свою сморть

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Need me for any adventures?

00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:16,015

Adventures? Remember those?

00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:19,728

Not right now, Morty!

But definitely next week though.

00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:23,022

You been saying that a while now buddy,

so I think I’m gonna give

00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:26,651

you a little nudge by cashing

in a few of these bad boys.

00:00:26,651 --> 00:00:29,154

We’re still doing the punch card system?

00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:32,157

Never stopped.

Read ’em and weep.

00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:36,119

Fully punched cards, each entitling

me to an adventure of my choosing.

00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:38,663

- I don’t make the rules.

- I do, you little gremlin.

00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:40,582

And I definitely did

not stamp all these.

00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,667

You never remember to stamp the

cards, you’re always drunk.

00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:44,419

I didn’t know we were still doing this!

00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:47,088

This stinks to high heaven Morty,

I’m not accepting these.

00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:50,049

I knew you were going to do this.

So I got receipts, bitch.

00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:51,217

I kept notes.

00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:52,635

This is gibberish.

00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:55,638

"Isle of the Mortysaurs"?

"Takes One to Know One"?

00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:57,140

I make up titles for each adventure.

00:00:57,140 --> 00:01:00,143

You did the same thing for that MS

readathon at your school, Morty

00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:00,977

and you didn’t read shit.

00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:03,188

It’s okay to lie when you’re

fighting Multiple Sclerosis!

00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:05,231

Or when you think you won’t get caught!

00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:06,524

How are you going to catch me?

00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:09,819

You done and did it now, little man.

That’s your ass.

00:01:09,819 --> 00:01:12,822

Don’t grift a grifter, Morty.

I got friends in cosmic places.

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I need an audit.

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Right!

You were already watching.

00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:19,913

- I’ll come get you.

- What is this?

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I am The Observer!

00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,668

You’re so busted.

Look at your face, you’re so fucked.

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I Observe All!

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They observe all, Morty.

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- Cosmic allseeing species.

- So?

00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:34,385

So, they’re basically

universal police body-cams but

00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:36,429

you can’t turn them off before

you beat a minority.

00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,848

Or in your case,

before you cook the adventure books!

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- I don’t do that!

- We gonna find out!

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I’m here for this!

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I bet a solid seventy percent

of these are bullshit.

00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:21,641

Quit your bitching and do the audit,

I got nothing to hide!

00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,643

{\an8}Alright, Observer!

Gimme "Truth or Dare".

00:02:24,143 --> 00:02:26,062

{\an8}- Christ! These names, Morty.

- It’s shorthand!

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{\an8}I have observed it!

Now gaze upon me and so shall you...

00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:37,073

{\an8}Two attack patterns

and a giant glowing weak spot

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{\an8}- Legend of Zelda tutorial-ass bullshit.

- I thought it was kind of fun.

00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,371

{\an8}Halt! Unidentified adventurers.

00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:45,832

{\an8}We are the guardians of this sanctuary.

00:02:46,165 --> 00:02:50,044

{\an8}One of us tells only truths,

the other, only lies.

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{\an8}- You ever fucked this guy’s wife?

- Yes.

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{\an8}Well, how about that, he guessed right.

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{\an8}I forgive you!

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{\an8}- Oh shit!

- Alright, next room.

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{\an8}No, I wanna watch.

00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:03,933

{\an8}Did you see how one of them lied?

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{\an8}Fine! I’ll call that one legit,

I’m not here to nitpick,

00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:07,937

{\an8}I’m here to find blatant fraud.

00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:10,106

{\an8}Okay!

Show me "Late Night Western".

00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:17,113

{\an8}Morty! Take me drive me,

wan go western bacon.

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{\an8}Morty western bacon now.

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{\an8}- Before you say anything...

- I knew it! Busted!

00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:29,125

{\an8}You’re banned from that Carls Jr!

00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:31,502

{\an8}That doesn’t make the drive-thru

an adventure, Morty. Invalid.

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{\an8}Sounds like it’s anyone’s game!

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{\an8}Well, no!

It’s not a bet, it’s an audit.

00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,511

{\an8}Observer, show us

"Maximum Overdrivewith Clothes"

00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:47,185

{\an8}At least this is better than cars,

cars can run you over.

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{\an8}Okay, no, this is worse.

00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,568

{\an8}- Adventure, suck it.

- Alright, fine.

00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:57,820

{\an8}How about "Whistlering Dixie".

00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,578

{\an8}Whistler! Whattaya got to tag and

bag these bastards?

00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:09,666

{\an8}Made this little puppy after

I bagged my first neck-rophiliac.

00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:12,418

{\an8}Double action triggers pumping out

14 hundred kilos

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{\an8}of holy water per square inch.

00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:18,216

{\an8}This old girl’s got dry-aged,

Sicilian garlic expelling out at

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{\an8}32 hundred feet per second,

is swaddled by 5200 Solar-joules

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{\an8}of raw ultraviolet.

And she’s only getting started,

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{\an8}I’m talking

crucifix-shaped Chinese stars,

00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:31,270

{\an8}mirror-tipped wooden stakes, and a...

00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,398

What? Hello?

Guys?

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Morty, that was just an old man

rambling at us.

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People died!

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So, by your logic,

9/11 was an adventure?

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Tweet it, see who agrees.

00:04:42,198 --> 00:04:45,243

- Very well! Bear witness to 9/11!

- What?

00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:48,621

Dude, don’t, just you need to let

us throw to the stuff, okay?

00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,040

What’s next?

What the hell is "Leg Day"?

00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:55,044

Hey look, Morty!

I’m a leg!

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A leg, Morty!

I’m Leg Rick!

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Okay! I’ll give you that last one.

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- What? I mean I’ll take it but...

- Hey Morty! Check this out.

00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,722

That’s clearly unlicensed.

00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,724

- License this!

- Wait, what are you doing?

00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:11,436

Hey Smith, you look hungry!

How about some knuckle pie?

00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,815

Jeez. Rick’s implants.

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Big Doug... get the truck.

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I’ve never felt so alive!

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Man.

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- Turn back into a boat!

- I’m trying!

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- I’m trying!

- Big Doug!

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Big Doug, no.

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There’s my guy! Come on!

The hamsters turned on me, Morty.

00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:21,089

We gotta go.

00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:24,717

- R.I.P, Big Doug!

- Wasn’t even in that one!

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Who cares, it wasn’t even on my list.

This guy just cued it up!

00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:30,640

Speaking of cues,

what about all those times

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- you two misunderstood each other?

- Wait, what?

00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,727

Are you setting up a series of them?

00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:38,940

Trust me! The key is grouping them

with thematic connections.

00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:44,487

I just want to talk to Morty in private,

about something unrelated.

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We’ll be right back.

00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,992

Okay, this guy might

have been kind of a mistake.

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He’s really, like, aggressive.

00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:54,497

He’s steamrolling us. He thinks

he’s hosting a fucking clip show.

00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,332

- And I don’t like his voice.

- I don’t like his voice.

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I don’t like that he’s doing jokes,

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I don’t like that he’s

talking down to you.

00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,879

Thank you. Okay.

Let’s rethink this.

00:07:01,879 --> 00:07:03,673

I still don’t trust these,

but I’ll accept these cards

00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,842

- at 70 cents on the dollar.

- Done. Fair.

00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:07,593

How do we get rid of him?

00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,887

I’ll just pay the asshole and

tell him he did a great job.

00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:11,889

He thinks he’s hosting a fucking

clip show.

00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:13,683

- And I don’t like his voice.

- I don’t like his voice.

00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:14,976

I don’t like that he’s doing jokes

00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:16,060

- Okay, well, that’s...

- I don’t like that...

00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:18,354

that’s on us.

Should have seen that coming.

00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:19,939

Seeing is more my thing.

00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:21,399

Well, then you know

he’s about to pay you.

00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:24,026

And "tell me I did a great job"?

00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,487

Fine! You caught us.

We secretly think you suck.

00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,615

Here’s twice what I owe you,

that’s how little conversation

00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:31,075

we want to have about you leaving.

00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:33,744

I have never seen two bigger assholes!

00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:37,206

- And I see all assholes!

- Then you can see yours out.

00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:38,541

Bye.

00:07:40,918 --> 00:07:41,836

Christ.

00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:53,472

Shit! Hot, so hot.

00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:55,725

Gotta start in the middle,

statistically the coolest.

00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,394

You won’t find

a carb on my plate, Morty.

00:07:58,394 --> 00:08:00,229

- I’m all about that keto.

- No!

00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:01,898

- Is that a fucking...

- Clip?

00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,692

I’m a fats man.

Gimme all the fats!

00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:07,195

That burrito looks pretty carby!

00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:09,322

- This fucking guy.

- That’s your move?

00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:12,491

Diet shaming? Just take the L, man!

This is embarrassing.

00:08:12,491 --> 00:08:15,203

I’ll show you embarrassing!

00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,916

Do it, Morty! It’s the only way

to save the universe!

00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:22,251

How? How is it the only way?

00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:26,005

Morty, I’m dying!

It’s up to you.

00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:32,428

- Rick!

- What the hell are you doing?

00:08:32,428 --> 00:08:35,932

Saving the universe! I think!

Right, Rick?

00:08:42,521 --> 00:08:45,358

- This guy's nuts!

- Screw you, Morty.

00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,693

What the hell?

You told me I was a hero!

00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,946

- You were that night.

- What the hell’s going on?

00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:52,865

Is that angry stone playing...

video-clips?

00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:55,785

It’s some weirdo Grandpa hired

to prove I’m a bad person.

00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:58,621

Turns out people that take that job

aren’t fun to be around.

00:08:58,996 --> 00:08:59,956

Get out of here!

00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:04,293

Sidewalk’s public property, bro!

I can observe all I want from here!

00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:07,630

This isn’t our problem, Dad.

Please make this loud thing go away.

00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,507

I was studying for a test.

00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:10,591

No, you weren’t!

00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:12,385

Fucking rock asshole.

00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,511

Now you’ve done it!

00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:17,640

As they’ve shamed me,

so shall I now shame you!

00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,813

Mom? Are you drinking wine in there?

00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,482

No! I’m shitting.

00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:28,901

Bitch, I know the sound of a toilet

lid moving.

00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:30,903

Two birds, one stone.

00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,738

More embarrassing for Mom than me.

00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:35,992

- I wasn’t lying, I was going to shit.

- What’s going on here?

00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:38,703

Cosmic being playing

embarrassing clips out of spite?

00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:39,954

Damn, Jerry. Nailed it.

00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,998

I was watching from the upstairs window.

00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,916

Well, watch this, loser!

00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:47,461

Morty, I’m throwing out some stuff

from our last couple adventures,

00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:50,006

- you got any use for this diamond?

- Nope. I’m good.

00:09:58,264 --> 00:09:59,181

This is gonna be fine.

00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:05,688

I’m sorry!

I can’t stop once I start!

00:10:07,606 --> 00:10:09,525

Whatever!

Everyone knows I’m embarrassing,

00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:12,403

- I’m bulletproof.

- Oh my God, this is so sad.

00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:15,531

Not as sad as you after this!

00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:19,452

{\an8}The so called "Hottie Snatchers"

have spread to Canada and Mexico,

00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,621

{\an8}grabbing the most attractive residents

and taking them god knows where.

00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:26,542

{\an8}All Americans, even sub-sevens,

are advised to stay indoors.

00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:28,377

{\an8}You certainly

wouldn’t be safe out there.

00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:29,879

{\an8}Not on the air, Michael.

00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:31,672

BRB, bathroom.

00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:33,966

I need to know!

00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:42,183

It’s okay, It’s not real!

They’re just doing it at random!

00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:45,728

Is everything okay? I heard a...

00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:52,568

You too?

It’s not so bad once you get used to it.

00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:56,697

I don’t deserve this,

I just walked downstairs.

00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:58,574

Okay, well if Dad’s

just gonna stand here,

00:10:58,574 --> 00:11:01,285

should I do something?

Unless that somehow tees me up.

00:11:01,285 --> 00:11:02,286

Walked right into it!

00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,706

This is our target, Dichotomus Daniel.

00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:09,377

That was my chair.

00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,546

- It was a fart.

- Birdperson always knows.

00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:14,673

It’s true! He’s got that beak!

00:11:14,673 --> 00:11:15,966

Get lost, you piece of shit!

00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:18,260

Why? So you can do stuff like this?

00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,269

Morty!

00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:30,272

I’m afraid the only way out

is through the bottom of this massive

00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:31,315

vat of whale semen.

00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,943

Well, that last one

was just for shock value.

00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:34,985

Fuck this guy!

00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:38,989

If you can’t take the heat,

get out of the watching'!

00:11:38,989 --> 00:11:40,366

You suck!

00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:43,327

Showing weird shit just cuz

we wouldn’t let you treat our lives

00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:44,120

like a clip show!

00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,663

- Get him Morty!

- Mess him up, little bro!

00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:48,791

What? You gonna beat me up

like the piss guy?

00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,126

Hey! Not cool!

00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,378

Why don’t you tee up this clip

of me kicking your ass!

00:11:55,631 --> 00:12:02,096

I’m all rocks now!

I never saw this coming...

00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:06,517

Shit!

These guys can die?

00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,644

- I thought they were cosmic.

- You know what?

00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:10,855

I say we leave this thing

in the street, deny any involvement

00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,106

and just hope this blows over.

00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,150

Unless, of course,

they play this exact clip

00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,986

on a screen in front of a jury

with some kind of built-in bias.

00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:20,406

As an observer,

I try to stay impartial,

00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,825

but I am not seeing innocence.

00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,911

- It’s not blowing over, Rick.

- I’d tell you to stay positive, Morty

00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,663

but I do not like the looks

of that jury.

00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:31,542

I can’t believe

we got ourselves into this mess

00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:33,878

over something as petty

as what an adventure is...

00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:37,173

I guess I can admit

I got a little loose with the stamps.

00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:40,009

Gotcha! Can the stenographer read back

that confession, please?

00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:43,512

Silence! The killing

of an observer is unforgivable.

00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:47,224

We must now decide

whether to end your existence.

00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:50,311

Your honor! If everyone here

has truly seen everything,

00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:53,522

then you all know that my grandson and

I did this whole thing with giants.

00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:55,191

Did what whole thing?

00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:59,278

I will address that!

I’m your court appointed defender.

00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:03,032

Your honor, observe the time

Rick and Morty did this with giants!

00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:07,077

This is an open and shut case, Morty.

Y’know what do ya think is gonna happen,

00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:08,787

some magical angel’s

gonna show up and...

00:13:08,787 --> 00:13:12,124

Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the

violation of civil liberties!

00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:14,835

The moments are practically identical,

your honor,

00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:17,713

I move for a mistrial

on the grounds it bumps.

00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:21,133

If the argument is that

Rick and Morty repeat their mistakes,

00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,802

- the prosecution agrees!

- Oh God!

00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:26,805

You sound just like the guy we killed. Allegedly.

00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:28,557

That was my brother!

00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:31,977

- I didn’t like his voice either!

- Well, this isn’t gonna help our case.

00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:34,021

Neither will this next clip!

00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:37,233

Morty! I made you a gorilla gun.

Pretty cool.

00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,902

A gorilla gun?

Does this do what I think it does?

00:13:41,111 --> 00:13:42,363

Where’s your lunch money, punk?

00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:45,866

Lunch money? Are you sure you

wouldn’t rather have a banana?

00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,996

I thought it

would turn him into a gorilla...

00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,831

Why would you want

a bully to be a gorilla?

00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:56,043

It was a gun that kills gorillas.

Please go easy on him,

00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:58,003

this one’s on me

and it won’t happen again.

00:13:58,337 --> 00:14:00,589

- Morty, this is a bully gun.

- Cool!

00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:01,840

Any questions about it?

00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,510

- Not really.

- Should be self-explanatory. Have fun.

00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:07,596

- Give me your backpack.

- You trying to bully me?

00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:11,100

Well, how are you going to bully...

another bully?

00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:13,018

What are you doing?

00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,692

I feel like this one’s not

entirely my fault.

00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:22,194

- Okay, how do you feel?

- I’m okay.

00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:24,863

I mean,

maybe just stop giving me guns, or...

00:14:24,863 --> 00:14:27,950

Or make them less ambiguous, way

ahead of you. Here. Take this.

00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:31,287

This is a gun,

and I want to be really specific here.

00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:34,540

This is a gun that you only use

to shoot bad people.

00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,208

- Are we clear?

- Okay, Rick.

00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:39,587

- When are you going to use that?

- When I want to shoot a bad person.

00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:40,588

Okay.

00:14:40,921 --> 00:14:43,632

- I had a great time tonight, Jessica.

- Hey. Give me your money.

00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:45,301

Why don’t you take this instead?

00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:49,054

- Jeffrey Dahmer?

- Hi.

00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:50,889

- What’s happening?

- I don’t know, just run.

00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:56,353

Let the record show this bit

continued for several more guns.

00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:58,981

What are we even guilty of in that one,

being kind of dumb?

00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:01,483

For being dumb over and over!

00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:06,488

But your honor, is that not

the definition of experimentation?

00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:09,158

The foundation of science?

And are Rick and Morty

00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:13,162

therefore not only not not learning,

but therefore actively learning?

00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:14,830

Observe this example!

00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,876

How long before Ben Franklin

comes back to life?

00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:20,628

Holy shit! Yes!

00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:23,088

Shit! He came back evil.

00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,549

What do you think will happen

if we bury him again?

00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:26,508

You don’t know?

00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:29,053

This is my first time

using Pet Semetary soil, Morty.

00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,889

I mean as long as

we’re asking questions...

00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,557

We’ve been here so long my phone died.

00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:36,435

- It’s not gonna charge your phone!

- So you can be curious and I can’t?

00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:37,645

Fuck, you’re right.

00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:40,856

We’re sitting on top of brand new

science here, let’s gather some data!

00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:46,362

- Put your back into it, Morty!

- You think it’ll refill the tank?

00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:47,655

Good pitch, Morty!

00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:50,449

Okay! Let’s bury that kangaroo

from the waist down.

00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,451

Holy shit! Will only his legs come back?

00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:53,702

Who knows?

00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,871

I’m having a great time with

you tonight, Morty!

00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,415

- What’s that one?

- Ben Franklin!

00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:00,125

Remember we tried wrapping him

00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,669

in tin foil to see

if it’d shield him from the evil?

00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:02,670

Oh yeah.

00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:05,547

Fuck! It’s hot!

00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:10,260

Jesus Christ!

It cooked him like a pig at a luau.

00:16:10,969 --> 00:16:13,514

- It’s so moist.

- Rick! That’s a guy!

00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:15,391

Man, what is this place doing to us?

00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:18,060

Is nothing sacred to you two?

00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,604

What are these clips?

What are we even on trial for anymore?

00:16:20,604 --> 00:16:24,358

What’s anyone on trial for, son?

Being good or evil.

00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:28,070

Look, sure we can be irreverent

but we’re far from evil.

00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:31,448

- We make more friends than enemies!

- Let’s run the tape on that one!

00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:34,159

Rick, can you make my churros

come to life?

00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:35,160

On it!

00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:37,955

Hi! I’m Churry!

00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:40,416

- Churry, do you want to have fun?

- Let’s go!

00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:10,446

This has been the best time of my

life, Churry.

00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:14,491

Okay, thanks Rick! You can turn

him back into a regular Churros now.

00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:16,243

What?

I can’t turn him back.

00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:18,662

You asked me to bring him to life.

Done!

00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:21,874

But he’s a churros, he doesn’t have

internal organs, a brain, etc.

00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:24,418

in order to live, I had to make

him functionally immortal.

00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:27,171

What?

00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:35,804

My family!

00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,556

Goodbye, Churry. I’ll miss you.

00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:48,025

These are just regular churro?

Oh my God! No!

00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:52,070

Mark my words, Morty.

I shall leave you as you left me.

00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:55,991

On a barren planet.

Praying for death!

00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:58,327

I’m starting to see

why this lawyer was free.

00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:01,038

Okay! Well we never

intentionally hurt people.

00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:02,206

We adventure!

00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,416

Stuff goes wrong,

we don’t just murder for fun.

00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,460

Here’s a clip about that topic!

00:18:07,544 --> 00:18:10,589

I did it, Morty! I killed the versions

of us that were in Space Jam!

00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:13,008

- Help me with the bodies!

- How you’d do it, Rick?

00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:14,802

It was easy, Morty.

They welcomed death!

00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:15,844

They wanted out,

Morty!

00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:19,348

No! You don’t get it,

they begged me. It was a kindness!

00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:22,559

- Was that helpful?

- It was for the prosecution!

00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:25,729

- Okay, I’ve heard enough!

- No, you fucking haven’t.

00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:28,440

If we’re about to die,

at least let us defend ourselves.

00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,942

- The outrage!

- Seems iffy.

00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,528

I’ll allow it. But no lolly gagging!

00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,738

I only need one clip, your honor.

00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:37,658

If it pleases the court,

hold on to your tits.

00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,623

I’m a leg, Morty! You like that?

00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,334

I know you do.

00:18:47,751 --> 00:18:49,503

We already saw that one.

00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:52,464

- No, that’s the other time I did it.

- That was your Hail Mary?

00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:56,176

- I held onto my tits for nothing!

- That was mid!

00:18:56,176 --> 00:19:00,472

I hereby find Rick and Morty guilty!

Time to die!

00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,608

- What in tarnation?

- Plot twist!

00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:13,569

Whattaya expect?

You gave me access to your tech.

00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,780

Look, I’m not saying we’re heroes

00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:18,740

but in the two minutes

I’ve had access to your server

00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:21,451

I can observe you’re no better.

Here, let’s see a clip.

00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:28,375

Help! Please!

Oh my God! Please!

00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:36,592

Absurd! If the Observer was in the clip,

who was watching?

00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:37,593

Glad you asked!

00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:39,303

Please!

00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,099

Jesus Christ.

00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,935

You can’t shame us for watching!

It’s who we are!

00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:49,521

Right! And you’d never take

advantage of that.

00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:53,734

Hot copies! Freshly watched!

I’ve got Avatar 3 through 6!

00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:57,446

Friends and Family screening, the VFX

aren’t done, but they’re still blue!

00:19:57,863 --> 00:20:00,032

It’s not my fault I saw those

movies!

00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,451

Yes! We observe,

it’s all we do!

00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,161

It’s not all you do.

00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,581

I’ll give you guys twenty dollars

to fight each other.

00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,375

Money, money.

00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:14,254

As it turns out, you do plenty!

You’re just as bad as us!

00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:17,716

We’re not all bad,

I observe a couple of bad apples!

00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:20,802

Who are you calling an apple?

Should we all observe

00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:22,387

what you did with Tom’s wife?

00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,599

Observe me harder! Harder!

00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:29,311

I regret nothing, Tom!

The only thing you could never see

00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,063

was what a treasure Nancy was.

00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,649

- I’ll kill you!

- I’d like to observe you try!

00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,696

Jeez, Rick!

People be fucking each other’s wives.

00:20:39,696 --> 00:20:42,991

Marriage is a scam, Morty.

Let’s scram.

00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:45,160

Wait! I still have more clips!

00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:48,580

Morty, I appreciate

what you were trying to do

00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:50,999

with the punch cards,

my whole groove thing.

00:20:50,999 --> 00:20:53,835

Thanks. So is this a stamp?

00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:55,796

Or you gonna make me count this

as my adventure?

00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:57,714

How about we just ignore this one.

00:20:57,714 --> 00:20:59,424

Good call.

00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:02,177

- Eighty cents on the dollar?

- Seventy five.

00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:03,178

Done.

00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:06,640

Whattaya say, Rick?

Fly through space, come upon something,

00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,351

maybe I have a moral objection,

stuff gets messy

00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,560

and you ultimately bail us out?

00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:11,895

Let’s take it for a spin.

00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:15,399

Rick and Morty! We’re back, baby!

Check the glove box!

00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:17,317

Another gun!!

00:21:49,891 --> 00:21:52,436

Morty, see you at the frolf

mixer tomorrow?

00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:53,979

Sure thing Jimmy.

00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:57,899

I knew this day would come.

00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:00,986

God!

00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:05,365

Nice! Free Churros.

00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:13,480

Я нужен тебе для приключений?

00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:13,960

А?

00:00:14,090 --> 00:00:15,630

Приключения. Помнишь такие?

00:00:15,650 --> 00:00:17,700

А, ну да. Не сейчас, Морти.

00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,660

Н-но на следующей неделе стопудово.

00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,610

Дружище, ты это говоришь не в первый раз,

00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:24,070

так что я тебя слегка растормошу

00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:26,710

и обналичу парочку вот этих ребят.

00:00:26,770 --> 00:00:29,040

Стоп-стоп-стоп, мы до сих пор пользуемся

учётными картами?

00:00:29,060 --> 00:00:29,880

И не прекращали.

00:00:30,150 --> 00:00:32,280

Бам! Смотри и плачь.

00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:36,090

Полностью забитые карточки,

и каждая дарит мне приключение на выбор.

00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:36,930

Не я придумал.

00:00:36,950 --> 00:00:38,620

Да, это я придумал, мелкий чертёнок.

00:00:38,670 --> 00:00:40,510

И я точно не ставил столько печатей.

00:00:40,530 --> 00:00:42,480

Конечно, ты не помнишь,

ты ж всегда пьян.

00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:44,388

Я даже не знал, что мы ими пользуемся.

00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:46,870

Это полная хрень, Морти, я их не принимаю.

00:00:46,890 --> 00:00:50,030

Я знал, что ты так скажешь,

поэтому сделал расписку, сучара.

00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,390

Я-я всё записал.

00:00:51,550 --> 00:00:54,330

Что за бред? Остров Мортизавров?

00:00:54,410 --> 00:00:55,630

Один другого стоит?

00:00:55,650 --> 00:00:57,120

Я придумал названия для всех приключений.

00:00:57,140 --> 00:01:00,130

Ты сделал тоже самое на школьном марафоне

по чтению, Морти.

00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:00,980

И нихуя не смог.

00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,240

Врать можно, когда у тебя рассеянный склероз.

00:01:03,260 --> 00:01:05,120

Или когда думаешь, что не спалят.

00:01:05,330 --> 00:01:06,540

И как ты меня спалишь?

00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:09,740

Ага, ну вот я и схватил тебя за жопу, чувачок.

00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:12,850

Не пытайся развести разводилу, Морти.

У меня есть друзья в космосе.

00:01:13,230 --> 00:01:15,137

Да, ага. Сделай ревизию.

00:01:16,030 --> 00:01:18,762

А, ты и так наблюдал.

Сейчас зайду.

00:01:18,782 --> 00:01:19,910

Что за фигня?

00:01:21,599 --> 00:01:23,479

Я - Наблюдатель.

00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,795

Тебе кранты. Глянь на свою рожу,

пизда тебе.

00:01:25,816 --> 00:01:27,940

Я вижу всё!

00:01:27,961 --> 00:01:29,631

Они всё видят, Морти.

00:01:29,652 --> 00:01:31,378

Вселенский всевидящий род.

00:01:31,398 --> 00:01:32,061

И чё?

00:01:32,082 --> 00:01:34,380

А то, что они - по сути,

вселенские нагрудные камеры,

00:01:34,380 --> 00:01:36,420

но их нельзя выключить,

чтобы побить представителя меньшиств.

00:01:36,420 --> 00:01:38,840

В твоём случае - чтобы

сфабриковать приключения.

00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:39,677

Я этого не делал!

00:01:39,698 --> 00:01:40,760

Ща и узнаем.

00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,470

О, я здесь как раз за этим.

00:02:16,535 --> 00:02:18,881

Уверен, что процентов семьдесят - пиздёж.

00:02:18,902 --> 00:02:21,640

Хорош ныть и проводить ревизию.

Мне нечего скрывать.

00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,640

Что ж, Наблюдатель.

Правда или действие.

00:02:24,065 --> 00:02:25,361

Ну что за названия, Морти?

00:02:25,382 --> 00:02:26,145

Они условные.

00:02:26,166 --> 00:02:31,520

Я всё видел.

Взгляните внутрь меня - узрите и вы!

00:02:34,739 --> 00:02:37,240

Два паттерна атаки и огромное

светящееся слабое место.

00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:39,473

Лажа, как в обучающем уровне из Зельды.

00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,702

А по-моему, прикольно.

00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:43,370

Стойте, неизвестные искатели приключений!

00:02:43,370 --> 00:02:45,830

Мы - стражи этого святилища.

00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:50,040

Один из нас говорит только правду,

а второй - только ложь.

00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:51,640

Ты ебал его жену?

00:02:51,660 --> 00:02:52,310

Да.

00:02:52,979 --> 00:02:55,229

Ну, надо же, он угадал.

00:02:55,250 --> 00:02:57,090

Я тебя прощаю.

00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:58,315

Охренеть.

00:02:58,335 --> 00:02:59,470

Ладно, идём дальше.

00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:00,550

Не, я хочу посмотреть.

00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:03,986

Видели, как один из них солгал?

00:03:04,007 --> 00:03:07,930

Ладно, это реально было. Я не придираюсь,

а просто хочу найти явный обман.

00:03:07,930 --> 00:03:10,100

Так. Покажи "Вечерний вестерн".

00:03:11,669 --> 00:03:17,089

М-морти... отвез... отвези меня... поехали

за вестерн-беконом.

00:03:17,110 --> 00:03:18,869

Морти, хочу вестерн-бекон!

00:03:24,487 --> 00:03:25,401

О да.

00:03:25,422 --> 00:03:26,333

Пока ты ничего не сказал...

00:03:26,353 --> 00:03:27,521

Так и знал! Попался!

00:03:27,542 --> 00:03:29,120

Тебя не пускают в тот Карлс Джуниор.

00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,701

Это не делает покупку бургера приключением,

Морти. Убираем.

00:03:31,870 --> 00:03:34,676

Кажется, нас ждёт непредсказуемая игра!

00:03:35,130 --> 00:03:38,050

Нет! Это не спор, а ревизия.

00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:40,785

Наблюдатель, покажи нам

"Максимальное ускорение с одеждой".

00:03:44,580 --> 00:03:47,257

Лучше шмот, чем машины.

Тачка и переехать может.

00:03:50,710 --> 00:03:52,250

Хотя нет, это хуже.

00:03:53,060 --> 00:03:54,547

О, приключение. Выкуси.

00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:58,019

Что ж, ладно. Как насчёт "Южанин Уистлер"?

00:04:03,009 --> 00:04:05,549

Уистлер! Чем можно грохнуть этих ублюдков?

00:04:05,570 --> 00:04:09,660

Сделал эту малышку, когда завалил

своего первого кровососа.

00:04:09,681 --> 00:04:14,383

Самовзводный ударный спусковой механизм

выкачивает четырнадцать сотен кило святой воды на квадратный дюйм.

00:04:14,452 --> 00:04:18,101

Эта старушка может начислить

сицилийский чеснок сухого вызревания

00:04:18,122 --> 00:04:20,499

со скоростью тридцать два фута в секунду,

00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:25,131

который нежно укутан в пять тыщ двести

солнечных джоулей чистого ультрафиолета.

00:04:25,151 --> 00:04:26,983

- И это только начало.

- Ага.

00:04:27,004 --> 00:04:31,270

А как вам китайские звёздочки в форме крестов,

колья с зеркальным наконечником и...

00:04:31,526 --> 00:04:33,417

Что? Э-эй, ребят.

00:04:35,505 --> 00:04:37,538

Морти, это просто старик, который нёс пургу.

00:04:37,559 --> 00:04:38,440

Там люди погибли!

00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,940

По твоей логике 11-ое сентября это тоже приключение?

00:04:40,940 --> 00:04:42,190

Твитни и посмотрим, кто солидарен.

00:04:42,190 --> 00:04:44,728

Хорошо! Узрите 11-ое сентября!

00:04:44,748 --> 00:04:45,284

- Что?

- Нет!

00:04:45,305 --> 00:04:48,738

Чувак, не надо. Давай-ка мы тебе

накидаем вариантов, лады?

00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:51,241

Что дальше? Какой ещё нахрен "День ног"?

00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,149

Зацени, Морти! Я - нога!

00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:58,835

Нога, Морти! Я - ходуля-Рик!

00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:00,800

Ладно, это засчитаем.

00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,742

Что? Ну, я как бы рад, но...

00:05:02,762 --> 00:05:04,186

Эй, Морти! Зацени.

00:05:04,529 --> 00:05:05,699

Так это ж палёнка.

00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:06,998

Запалите вот это!

00:05:07,018 --> 00:05:07,915

Эй, ты чего?

00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,509

Здарова, Смит, у тебя голодный вид.

Накормить тебя люлями?

00:05:12,316 --> 00:05:13,116

Что за...

00:05:14,006 --> 00:05:15,836

Вот блин. Импланты Рика.

00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:18,107

Даг-здоровяк, пригони грузовик.

00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,926

Ууууу! Как прекрасна эта жизнь!

00:05:21,733 --> 00:05:22,599

Эээй!

00:05:27,593 --> 00:05:28,429

Блин.

00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,554

Превратись обратно в лодку!

00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:07,780

Я пытаюсь!

00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:11,723

Я пытаюсь!

00:06:11,743 --> 00:06:12,530

Даг-здоровяк.

00:06:14,370 --> 00:06:16,040

Даг-здоровяк, нет.

00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:21,080

Мой чувачок! Идём. На меня ополчились

хомяки, Морти. Погнали.

00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,561

Покойся с миром, Даг-здоровяк.

00:06:23,581 --> 00:06:24,767

Я там не участвовал.

00:06:24,788 --> 00:06:28,028

Да пофиг, этого даже в списке не было.

Он просто взял и врубил.

00:06:28,049 --> 00:06:32,568

А вы рубите фишку. Помните, когда

между вами возникло недопонимание?

00:06:32,588 --> 00:06:34,720

Чего? Ты сделал целую подборку?

00:06:34,741 --> 00:06:38,961

Поверь, самое главное - сгруппировать

по общим темам.

00:06:40,879 --> 00:06:44,459

Я хочу поговорить с Морти наедине,

к нашему делу это не относится.

00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:46,400

Ага, мы скоро вернёмся.

00:06:47,219 --> 00:06:49,969

Ладно, зря я притащил сюда этого чувака.

00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:51,360

Он какой-то напористый.

00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,490

Прёт как бульдозер. Решил устроить

сраную серию из видеонарезок.

00:06:54,490 --> 00:06:55,388

И голос бесячий.

00:06:55,408 --> 00:06:56,403

Да, голос бесит.

00:06:56,424 --> 00:06:59,218

Шутит отстойно, и бесит,

как надменно он с тобой общается.

00:06:59,239 --> 00:07:01,870

Спасибо. Ладно, надо всё обдумать.

00:07:01,870 --> 00:07:04,973

Вот этим я не верю, а эти приму

по сниженному курсу.

00:07:04,994 --> 00:07:06,045

Договорились.

00:07:06,476 --> 00:07:07,476

Как избавимся от него?

00:07:07,497 --> 00:07:09,915

Я заплачу этому засранцу и скажу,

что он молодец.

00:07:09,936 --> 00:07:11,880

Решил устроить сраную серию из видеонарезок.

00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:12,788

И голос бесячий.

00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:13,759

Да, голос бесит.

00:07:13,779 --> 00:07:16,060

- Шутит отстойно, и бесит,

- Ладненько...

00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:18,350

Сами напросились. Могли бы предвидеть.

00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:19,930

Это скорее моя фишка.

00:07:19,930 --> 00:07:21,442

Тогда ты в курсе, что он тебе заплатит.

00:07:21,463 --> 00:07:24,020

И скажет, какой я молодец?

00:07:24,020 --> 00:07:26,587

Да! Ты нас раскусил!

Мы считаем, что ты - чмо.

00:07:27,146 --> 00:07:28,393

Вот двойной гонорар.

00:07:28,499 --> 00:07:31,122

Настолько мы не хотим говорить о том,

чтобы ты свалил.

00:07:31,143 --> 00:07:33,740

Таких засранцев я ещё не видел!

00:07:33,740 --> 00:07:35,688

А я всех засранцев повидал.

00:07:35,708 --> 00:07:37,370

Уведи отсюда свою сраку!

00:07:37,620 --> 00:07:38,540

Пока.

00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:41,830

Боже.

00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:53,470

Чёрт! Горячо! Горячо!

00:07:53,491 --> 00:07:55,855

Надо с центра начинать.

Самая прохладная часть.

00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,806

На моей тарелке нет места тонне углеводов, Морти.

Я угораю по кето-диете.

00:07:59,826 --> 00:08:00,220

Нет!

00:08:00,220 --> 00:08:01,508

Это что... ебучая...

00:08:01,528 --> 00:08:02,064

Нарезка?

00:08:02,419 --> 00:08:04,669

Люблю жиры. Давайте мне все жиры.

00:08:04,690 --> 00:08:07,190

В этом буррито много углеводов.

00:08:07,190 --> 00:08:08,264

Какой уёбок.

00:08:08,285 --> 00:08:09,299

Такие меры, значит?

00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:12,490

Диетой пристыдить? Ты облажался, чувак.

Позорище.

00:08:12,511 --> 00:08:15,221

Ой, сейчас я покажу позорище.

00:08:17,309 --> 00:08:19,889

Давай, Морти! Только так можно спасти вселенную!

00:08:19,910 --> 00:08:22,250

Почему? Почему только так?

00:08:22,250 --> 00:08:26,000

Морти, я умираю! Всё в твоих руках.

00:08:30,170 --> 00:08:31,004

Рик!

00:08:31,117 --> 00:08:32,512

Хер ли ты делаешь?

00:08:32,533 --> 00:08:36,145

Спасаю вселенную... Вроде... Так ведь, Рик?

00:08:39,691 --> 00:08:42,499

Целиком засунул язык в нос Обезьянборгу.

00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:45,350

- Ну ты отжёг!

- Пошёл в жопу, Морти.

00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:47,690

Какого чёрта? Ты сказал, что я был героем.

00:08:47,690 --> 00:08:48,857

Героем вечера.

00:08:48,877 --> 00:08:49,940

Чё тут за дела?

00:08:49,961 --> 00:08:52,860

Злобный булыжник показывает видеонарезку?

00:08:52,860 --> 00:08:55,780

Дед нанял этого чудилу, чтобы показать,

какой я плохой.

00:08:55,780 --> 00:08:58,695

Оказывается, что тусоваться с ребятами

этой профессии очень весело.

00:08:58,969 --> 00:08:59,929

Пошёл вон!

00:08:59,950 --> 00:09:04,290

Тротуар - это общественное место, братан!

Я могу смотреть здесь всё, что захочу.

00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:07,630

Это не наша проблема, пап.

Пожалуйста, убери отсюда эту громкую штуку.

00:09:07,651 --> 00:09:09,500

Да, я готовилась к контроше.

00:09:09,521 --> 00:09:10,611

А вот и нет.

00:09:11,029 --> 00:09:12,359

Глыба злоебучая.

00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:13,510

Допрыгались.

00:09:13,531 --> 00:09:17,661

Они унижали меня, а теперь я буду унижать вас.

00:09:21,970 --> 00:09:23,810

Мам? Ты там винище хлещешь?

00:09:23,838 --> 00:09:26,480

Эм... нет. Я сру.

00:09:26,501 --> 00:09:28,921

А то я не слышу, как ты крышку сняла, сучка.

00:09:29,709 --> 00:09:30,879

Двух зайцев одним выстрелом.

00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:32,730

Да он больше маму унизил, чем меня.

00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:34,970

Я не соврала, я правда хотела посрать.

00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:35,990

Что за дела?

00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:38,700

Вселенское создание из вредности

показывает ролики?

00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:39,997

Фига, Джерри. Угадал.

00:09:40,018 --> 00:09:41,990

Да я просто смотрел из верхней комнаты.

00:09:42,011 --> 00:09:44,080

На это посмотри, лошара.

00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:47,538

Морти, я выбрасываю хлам с наших

прошлых приключений.

00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:48,990

Тебе нужен этот алмаз?

00:09:49,010 --> 00:09:50,099

Не. Ну его.

00:09:58,213 --> 00:09:59,284

Да ничего страшного.

00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,885

Простите! Я уже не могу остановиться!

00:10:07,537 --> 00:10:10,520

И что? Все знают, что я - позорище,

меня этим не возьмёшь.

00:10:10,541 --> 00:10:12,400

Боже, как же это печально.

00:10:12,421 --> 00:10:15,776

Ты в этом ролике ещё печальнее.

00:10:16,110 --> 00:10:19,450

На территории Канады и Мексики

появились так называемые "похитители красавчиков".

00:10:19,471 --> 00:10:22,620

Они похищают самых привлекательных граждан

и уносят бог знает куда.

00:10:22,641 --> 00:10:26,540

Всем американцам, даже ниже семёрки,

рекомендуется оставаться дома.

00:10:26,561 --> 00:10:28,370

Тебе точно лучше никуда не выходить.

00:10:28,391 --> 00:10:29,891

Не в прямом же эфире, Майкл.

00:10:30,580 --> 00:10:31,915

Ща приду, я в туалет.

00:10:32,750 --> 00:10:34,112

Надо убедиться.

00:10:38,390 --> 00:10:42,100

Всё хорошо, это всё выдумка.

Похищают рандомно!

00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:45,720

Всё нормально? А то я услышал...

00:10:49,786 --> 00:10:52,673

Тоже облом? Не так страшно,

когда привыкаешь.

00:10:54,549 --> 00:10:56,669

За что это мне? Я только пришла сюда.

00:10:56,690 --> 00:11:00,094

Раз уж папа решил стоять столбом,

может, мне что-нибудь сделать?

00:11:00,115 --> 00:11:01,346

Если он меня доведёт.

00:11:01,367 --> 00:11:02,367

Сама напросилась!

00:11:02,849 --> 00:11:05,826

Вот наша цель, Дихотомус Дэниел.

00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:09,558

Да это кресло.

00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:11,289

Это был пердёж.

00:11:11,309 --> 00:11:12,654

Птичью Личность не проведёшь.

00:11:12,675 --> 00:11:14,670

Да! Ох уж этот клюв.

00:11:14,691 --> 00:11:16,065

Проваливай, говно окаменелое!

00:11:16,086 --> 00:11:18,830

Зачем? Чтобы вы творили такое?

00:11:26,437 --> 00:11:27,260

Морти.

00:11:27,260 --> 00:11:31,430

Боюсь, другого выхода нет. Придётся нам

прыгнуть в этот огромный чан с китовой спермой.

00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:34,036

Последний ролик просто для эпатажа.

00:11:34,057 --> 00:11:34,980

Пошёл он нахуй!

00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:38,980

Ха-ха! Если не можешь выдержать этот позор,

то просто не смотри.

00:11:38,980 --> 00:11:40,360

Т-т-ты чмо!

00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:44,050

Показываешь всякую хрень, но в отличие от тебя

мы не считаем свою жизнь видеонарезкой.

00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:45,633

- Да! Так его, Морти!

- Уделай его, братишка!

00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:48,687

Что? Побьёте меня, как того ссаного мужика?

00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,099

Эй! Ваще не круто.

00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,453

Давай ты врубишь ролик,

где я вышибаю из тебя минералы!

00:11:55,630 --> 00:11:58,283

Я совсем разбит.

00:11:58,464 --> 00:12:02,376

Такого я не предвидел.

00:12:03,955 --> 00:12:04,602

Бля!

00:12:05,181 --> 00:12:08,118

Он разве может умереть?

Это же вселенское создание.

00:12:08,138 --> 00:12:10,077

Знаешь что? Предлагаю оставить его на улице.

00:12:10,098 --> 00:12:12,360

Будем всё отрицать и ждать,

пока всё рассосётся.

00:12:12,381 --> 00:12:16,980

Хотя этот самый момент могли врубить

на экране специально для предвзятых присяжных.

00:12:17,001 --> 00:12:20,469

Я - наблюдатель и стараюсь быть

беспристрастным,

00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,820

но здесь я не вижу невиновности.

00:12:22,841 --> 00:12:24,226

Ничего не рассосалось, Рик.

00:12:24,246 --> 00:12:27,984

Надо всегда думать о хорошем, Морти,

но вид присяжных не внушает надежды.

00:12:29,639 --> 00:12:33,849

Поверить не могу, что мы так влипли,

пока разбирались, что же такое приключение.

00:12:33,870 --> 00:12:37,170

Да. Думаю, стоит признать,

что я слегка переборщил с печатями.

00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:40,000

Попался! Можете зачитать признание,

пожалуйста?

00:12:40,021 --> 00:12:43,510

Тишина! Убийство наблюдателя непростительно.

00:12:43,531 --> 00:12:47,220

Мы должны решить, стоит ли прекратить

ваше существование.

00:12:47,909 --> 00:12:50,289

Ваша честь! Если все в зале

действительно видели всё,

00:12:50,310 --> 00:12:53,520

то вы в курсе, что мы с внуком

пережили то же самое у великанов.

00:12:53,541 --> 00:12:55,190

Что вы пережили?

00:12:55,190 --> 00:12:59,270

Я выступлю с этим аргументом!

Я - ваш правозащитник, назначенный судом.

00:12:59,291 --> 00:13:03,030

Ваша честь, посмотрите, как Рик и Морти

пережили всё это у великанов.

00:13:03,664 --> 00:13:05,496

Дело проще некуда, Морти.

00:13:05,517 --> 00:13:08,780

Т-ты думаешь, что объявится какой-то волшебный

ангел и...

00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:12,120

Фи! Фай! Фо! Фам! Чую нарушение гражданских свобод!

00:13:12,141 --> 00:13:14,830

Эти случаи практически одинаковы, ваша честь.

00:13:14,830 --> 00:13:17,710

Я ходатайствую об аннуляции процесса

на основании лажы.

00:13:17,731 --> 00:13:21,130

Если суть аргумента в том, что Рик и Морти

повторяют свои ошибки,

00:13:21,130 --> 00:13:23,087

то сторона обвинения согласна.

00:13:23,107 --> 00:13:26,890

Боже! У тебя голос, как у чувака, которого мы убили.

Предположительно.

00:13:26,911 --> 00:13:28,708

Это был мой брат.

00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:30,356

Меня тоже бесил его голос.

00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,015

Это явно не поможет нашему делу.

00:13:32,036 --> 00:13:34,086

Как и следующий ролик.

00:13:34,749 --> 00:13:37,209

Морти! Я сварганил тебе

горилловую пушку. Круто, да?

00:13:37,230 --> 00:13:40,016

Горилловая пушка? Она делает то, о чём я подумал?

00:13:40,037 --> 00:13:40,378

Да.

00:13:41,024 --> 00:13:42,339

Гони бабки на обед, лох.

00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,860

Бабки на обед? А не хочешь ли ты

отведать бананчик?

00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,969

Я думал, что он превратится в гориллу.

00:13:50,990 --> 00:13:52,965

Нафига из гопника делать гориллу?

00:13:53,414 --> 00:13:55,133

Эта пушка убивала горилл.

00:13:55,154 --> 00:13:58,253

Пожалуйста, будьте с ним помягче.

Косяк мой. Этого больше не повторится.

00:13:58,330 --> 00:13:59,843

Морти, от гоп-пушка!

00:13:59,863 --> 00:14:00,580

Круто!

00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:01,840

Есть какие-то вопросы?

00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:02,462

Ды нет.

00:14:02,482 --> 00:14:04,588

Ага. Тут и так всё ясно. Развлекайся.

00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:06,485

Эй, гони рюкзак!

00:14:06,505 --> 00:14:07,741

Ты меня гопнуть хочешь?

00:14:07,921 --> 00:14:08,449

Да.

00:14:08,470 --> 00:14:11,240

А слабо тебе гопнуть другого гопника?

00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,010

Ты чё творишь?

00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,771

Кажется, это не совсем моя вина.

00:14:20,020 --> 00:14:21,036

Как ты себя чувствуешь?

00:14:21,056 --> 00:14:24,860

Нормально. Может, перестанешь давать

мне всякие пушки или...

00:14:24,881 --> 00:14:27,971

Или делать их не такими двусмысленными.

Уже понял. Держи.

00:14:28,292 --> 00:14:31,252

Это пистолет. Сейчас я разложу всё по полочкам.

00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,540

Этим пистолетом можно стрелять в плохих людей.

00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:35,312

Всё ясно?

00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:36,200

Да, Рик.

00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,667

Когда нужно им пользоваться?

00:14:37,687 --> 00:14:39,580

Когда надо застрелить плохого человека.

00:14:39,580 --> 00:14:40,473

Хорошо.

00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,421

Отличный был вечер, Джессика.

00:14:42,441 --> 00:14:43,630

Эй! Давай деньги.

00:14:43,630 --> 00:14:45,597

Может, лучше это возьмёшь?

00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:48,722

Джеффри Дамер?

00:14:48,742 --> 00:14:49,050

Привет.

00:14:49,050 --> 00:14:50,157

Что происходит?

00:14:50,177 --> 00:14:51,013

Я не знаю, бежим!

00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:56,350

Прошу занести в протокол,

что так продолжалось ещё несколько пушек.

00:14:56,371 --> 00:14:59,065

А в чём мы здесь виноваты? В тупости?

00:14:59,086 --> 00:15:01,586

В тупости, которой нет конца!

00:15:01,607 --> 00:15:06,480

Ага! Ваша честь! Но ведь это же буквально

определение эксперимента.

00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,188

Основа основ науки.

00:15:08,209 --> 00:15:13,329

Следовательно, нельзя сказать, что Рик и Морти не учатся.

На самом деле они очень даже учатся на ошибках.

00:15:13,490 --> 00:15:14,866

Посмотрите этот пример.

00:15:14,893 --> 00:15:16,809

КЛАДБИЩЕ ДОМАШНИХ ЖИВОТНЫХ

00:15:16,830 --> 00:15:19,035

Когда уже Бен Франклин оживёт?

00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:20,701

Охренеть! Да!

00:15:21,710 --> 00:15:23,169

Чёрт, теперь он злой.

00:15:23,803 --> 00:15:25,608

Интересно, что будет, если закопать его снова.

00:15:25,629 --> 00:15:26,381

Ты не знаешь?

00:15:26,402 --> 00:15:29,050

Я впервые пользуюсь землёй кладбища

домашних животных, Морти.

00:15:29,050 --> 00:15:31,880

Ну... раз уж мы задаёмся вопросами...

00:15:31,901 --> 00:15:33,658

У меня как бы телефон сдох.

00:15:33,679 --> 00:15:34,674

Это тебе не зарядка!

00:15:34,695 --> 00:15:36,301

Тебе можно задавать вопросы, а мне нет?

00:15:36,322 --> 00:15:37,640

Бля, а ты прав.

00:15:37,661 --> 00:15:41,019

Это ж совершенно новая наука!

Надо собрать данные!

00:15:43,596 --> 00:15:44,900

Приложись спиной, Морти!

00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,360

Думаешь, бак снова будет полным?

00:15:46,381 --> 00:15:47,738

Отличная мысль, Морти!

00:15:48,230 --> 00:15:50,440

Так, теперь закопаем кенгуру по пояс.

00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:52,480

Блин, у него только ноги оживут?

00:15:52,501 --> 00:15:53,536

Кто знает?

00:15:53,599 --> 00:15:55,942

Эй, мне с тобой сегодня очень весело, Морти.

00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:57,510

Это кто?

00:15:57,530 --> 00:15:58,516

Бен Франклин.

00:15:58,537 --> 00:16:01,660

Помнишь, что мы замотали его фольгу,

чтобы узнать, защитит ли она его от зла?

00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:02,670

Точняк.

00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,721

Ай! Бля! Горячо!

00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:10,260

Господи боже.

Он поджарился, как поросёнок на гавайской вечеринке.

00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,061

Какой сочный.

00:16:12,081 --> 00:16:13,510

Рик! Это ж человек!

00:16:13,531 --> 00:16:15,411

Блин, что это место с нами творит?

00:16:15,803 --> 00:16:18,164

Для вас нет ничего святого?

00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:20,600

Что это за ролики?

Что этот суд пытается выяснить?

00:16:20,621 --> 00:16:24,350

А что ещё выясняют на судах, сынок?

Хороший ты или плохой.

00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:28,070

Слушайте, мы бываем грубоватыми,

но мы точно не плохие.

00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,783

Друзей у нас больше, чем врагов.

00:16:29,803 --> 00:16:31,634

Давайте-ка посмотрим на это.

00:16:32,217 --> 00:16:34,195

Эй, Рик! Сможешь оживить мой чуррос?

00:16:34,216 --> 00:16:34,989

А то ж!

00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,950

Привет! Я - Чурри!

00:16:37,950 --> 00:16:39,413

Чурри, хочешь повеселиться?

00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:40,410

Давай!

00:17:01,827 --> 00:17:03,888

ГРАНД-УНИВЕРМАГ КОРОЛЕВСКИХ ДЖАКУЗИ

ОТ УЭСА АНДЕРСОНА

00:17:08,129 --> 00:17:10,636

Это были лучшие дни в моей жизни, Чурри.

00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,550

Ладно, Рик. Можешь превратить

его обратно в обычный чуррос.

00:17:14,571 --> 00:17:18,660

Что? Ничего не выйдет. Ты попросил оживить его.

Всё. Готово.

00:17:18,681 --> 00:17:22,076

Но раз это чуррос, то у него нет

внутренних органов, мозга и так далее.

00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,410

По сути, пришлось сделать его бессмертным.

00:17:26,290 --> 00:17:27,035

Что?

00:17:33,189 --> 00:17:35,779

Моя... моя семья!

00:17:35,866 --> 00:17:37,724

Прощай, Чурри! Я буду скучать.

00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:44,837

Это же просто обычные чуррос.

00:17:44,858 --> 00:17:47,798

О господи! Нееет!

00:17:48,043 --> 00:17:52,093

Помяни мои слова, Морти!

Я брошу тебя также, как ты бросил меня!

00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:55,990

На пустынной планете с желанием умереть!

00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,299

Понятно, почему адвокат бесплатный.

00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,030

Ладно! Но специально мы никого калечим.

00:18:01,030 --> 00:18:02,200

Да! У нас приключения!

00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,410

Бывают проблемы, но никого

не убиваем забавы ради.

00:18:04,410 --> 00:18:06,460

О! На эту тему есть ролик!

00:18:07,519 --> 00:18:10,559

Я это сделал, Морти! Я убил наши

версии из Космического Джема!

00:18:10,580 --> 00:18:11,523

Помоги с трупами.

00:18:11,543 --> 00:18:13,000

Ого! Как ты это сделал, Рик?

00:18:13,021 --> 00:18:15,840

Это было легко, Морти. Они хотели умереть,

они ждали смерти, Морти.

00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:19,340

Нет-нет, вы не поняли. Они умоляли меня,

это был акт милосердия.

00:18:19,340 --> 00:18:20,419

Я не помог?

00:18:20,439 --> 00:18:22,550

Помог стороне обвинения.

00:18:22,550 --> 00:18:24,337

Всё, я слышал достаточно.

00:18:24,357 --> 00:18:25,720

А вот и нихуя.

00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,440

Если нас ждёт смерть, позвольте хотя бы

привести свои аргументы.

00:18:28,461 --> 00:18:29,940

- Возмутительно!

- Мне это не нравится.

00:18:29,940 --> 00:18:32,520

Пускай. Только не валяйте дурака.

00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,730

Потребуется всего один ролик, ваша честь.

00:18:34,751 --> 00:18:37,764

С позволения суда, сейчас вы офигеете.

00:18:42,490 --> 00:18:44,772

Я - нога, Морти! Нравится?

00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:47,490

Я знаю, что нравится.

00:18:47,750 --> 00:18:49,500

Это мы уже видели.

00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:50,967

Нет, то был другой раз.

00:18:50,987 --> 00:18:52,460

И это ваша последняя надежда?

00:18:52,460 --> 00:18:54,166

Зря только офигевал.

00:18:54,186 --> 00:18:56,170

- Бууу!

- Среднячок!

00:18:56,191 --> 00:19:00,491

Сим признаю Рика и Морти виновными.

Пора умирать.

00:19:09,230 --> 00:19:10,686

Какого дьявола?

00:19:10,706 --> 00:19:11,600

Сюжетный поворот!

00:19:11,621 --> 00:19:13,581

Чего вы ждали?

Сами дали доступ к своим технологиям.

00:19:15,299 --> 00:19:18,740

Короче, мы себя героями не считаем, но

через две минуты я получу доступ к серверу

00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:21,611

и увижу, что вы ничуть не лучше.

Вот, зацените ролик.

00:19:23,820 --> 00:19:27,071

На помощь! Прошу! О господи! Прошу!

00:19:27,691 --> 00:19:28,565

Прошу!

00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:36,590

Ерунда! Если в ролике был Наблюдатель,

кто же за ним наблюдал?

00:19:36,611 --> 00:19:37,611

Рад, что ты спросил!

00:19:38,380 --> 00:19:39,300

Прошу!

00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:44,090

Господи боже.

00:19:44,430 --> 00:19:47,079

Нельзя стыдить нас за наблюдения.

В этом наша суть.

00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:49,520

Ага! И вы никогда этим не пользуетесь.

00:19:49,829 --> 00:19:53,709

Новиночки! Только отсмотренные!

Тут Аватар с третьего по шестой!

00:19:53,730 --> 00:19:57,440

Показ для друзей и семьи, эффекты ещё

не доделаны, но все уже синие.

00:19:57,839 --> 00:20:00,009

Я не виноват, что видел эти фильмы.

00:20:00,030 --> 00:20:02,450

Да! Мы наблюдаем и больше ничего не делаем.

00:20:02,471 --> 00:20:04,181

Делаете ещё как!

00:20:05,410 --> 00:20:07,675

Дам двадцатку, если начнёте драться.

00:20:08,547 --> 00:20:10,377

Деньжулечки.

00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:14,229

Оказывается, чего вы только не творите!

Вы ничуть не лучше нас.

00:20:14,250 --> 00:20:17,710

Не все мы плохие. Смотрю сейчас

на парочку гнилых яблок.

00:20:17,731 --> 00:20:19,651

Кого это ты яблоком назвал?

00:20:19,672 --> 00:20:22,613

Может, посмотрим, что ты делал с женой Тома?

00:20:23,050 --> 00:20:25,692

Наблюдай за мной жёстче! Жёстче!

00:20:25,949 --> 00:20:29,289

Ни о чём не жалею, Том.

Ты так и не смог разглядеть,

00:20:29,310 --> 00:20:31,060

какое же Нэнси сокровище.

00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:31,996

Я тебя убью!

00:20:32,016 --> 00:20:33,640

Посмотрим, как ты это сделаешь!

00:20:37,060 --> 00:20:39,690

Блин, Рик! Все ебутся с чужими жёнами.

00:20:39,711 --> 00:20:42,990

Брак - это кидалово, Морти.

Валим.

00:20:42,990 --> 00:20:45,160

Погодите! У меня есть и другие ролики!

00:20:46,299 --> 00:20:50,969

Морти, спасибо за всю историю с карточками,

это моя старая тема.

00:20:50,990 --> 00:20:53,830

Спасибо. Тогда поставишь печать?

00:20:53,830 --> 00:20:55,885

Или засчитаем это моим приключением?

00:20:55,906 --> 00:20:57,710

Предлагаю забить на него.

00:20:57,710 --> 00:20:59,542

Да. Да, правильно.

00:21:00,536 --> 00:21:01,594

Повысим ставочку?

00:21:01,614 --> 00:21:02,275

Слегка.

00:21:02,296 --> 00:21:02,830

Идёт.

00:21:03,739 --> 00:21:06,619

Ну что, Рик? Полетаем в космосе,

может, наткнёмся на что-нибудь,

00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:10,592

я изъявлю свой моральный протест, что-то

пойдёт не так, а ты потом вытащишь нас из передряги?

00:21:10,613 --> 00:21:11,943

Ну, давай попробуем.

00:21:12,430 --> 00:21:15,604

Рик и Морти! Мы вернулись, детка!

Открой бардачок!

00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:17,497

Ого! Ещё одна пушка!

00:21:49,862 --> 00:21:52,402

Эй, Морти, увидимся на тусовке

фрисби-гольфистов.

00:21:52,423 --> 00:21:54,193

Да. Конечно, Джимми.

00:21:56,452 --> 00:21:57,963

Я знал, что настанет этот день.

00:21:59,260 --> 00:22:00,512

О боже.

00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,543

Класс. Халявный чуррос.

00:22:08,865 --> 00:22:10,350

ТРОСТНИКОВЫЙ САХАР.

СКОРО.

00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:09,592

H-Hey, Rick...

00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:13,012

uh, need me

for any adventures?

00:00:13,012 --> 00:00:14,055

Huh?

00:00:14,055 --> 00:00:15,265

Adventures?

Remember those?

00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,183

Oh, y-yeah, not right now,

Morty, uh,

00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,144

but d-definitely

next week though.

00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:21,020

You been saying that

a while now, buddy,

00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:23,773

so, I think I'm gonna

give you a little nudge

00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:26,234

by cashing in a few

of these bad boys.

00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:28,862

Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're still

doing the punch card system?

00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,071

Never stopped.

00:00:30,071 --> 00:00:31,990

Bam! Read 'em

and weep.

00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:34,075

Fully punched cards,

each entitling me

00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:35,869

to an adventure

of my choosing.

00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,621

I don't make the rules.

Yeah, I do,

you little gremlin,

00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:40,290

and I definitely

did not stamp all these.

00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,208

You never remember

to stamp the cards.

You're always drunk.

00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,835

I didn't know we were still

doing this!

00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:46,546

T-This stinks to high heaven,

Morty. I'm not accepting these.

00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,006

I knew you were going

to do this.

00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,841

So I got receipts, bitch.

00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:51,217

I k-- I kept notes.

00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:52,302

This is gibberish.

00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:53,928

"Isle of the Mortysaurs"?

00:00:53,928 --> 00:00:55,180

"Takes One to Know One"?

00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,765

I make up titles

for each adventure.

00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:59,309

You did the same thing for that

MS readathon at your school,

00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,977

Morty,

and you didn't read shit.

00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:02,687

It's okay to lie when you're

fighting Multiple Sclerosis!

00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,981

Or when you think

you won't get caught!

00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,274

How are you going to

"catch me"?

00:01:06,274 --> 00:01:08,234

Oh, you done and did it now,

little man.

00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:10,653

That's your ass.

Don't grift a grifter, Morty.

00:01:10,653 --> 00:01:12,947

I got friends

in cosmic places.

00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:13,990

Yeah, uh-huh.

00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,450

I need an audit.

00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:17,494

Oh, right, you were

already watching.

00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:19,621

I'll come get you.

Wha-Wh-What is this?

00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,750

I am The Observer!

You're so busted.

00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,335

Look at your face,

you're so fucked.

00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:27,712

I observe all!

00:01:27,712 --> 00:01:29,255

They observe all, Morty.

00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:31,508

Cosmic all-seeing species.

So?

00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,676

So, they're basically

universal police body-cams

00:01:33,676 --> 00:01:35,804

but you can't turn them off

before you beat a minority.

00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,473

Or in your case, before you

cook the adventure books!

00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:40,433

I don't do that!

We gonna find out!

00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,770

Oh, I'm here for this!

00:01:43,770 --> 00:02:15,468

{\an8}♪

00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:18,471

{\an8}I bet a solid 70%

of these are bullshit.

00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,223

{\an8}Oh, quit your bitchin'

and do the audit.

00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,683

{\an8}I-I got nothing to hide!

00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,434

{\an8}Alright, Observer,

gimme "Truth or Dare."

00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:24,894

{\an8}Christ,

these names, Morty.

00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:27,313

{\an8}It's shorthand!

I have observed it!

00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:31,401

{\an8}Now gaze upon me

and so shall you...

00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:36,865

{\an8}Two attack patterns and

a giant glowing weak spot--

00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:39,117

{\an8}"Legend of Zelda"

tutorial-ass bullshit.

00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,368

{\an8}I thought it was

kind of fun.

00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:42,829

{\an8}Halt,

unidentified adventurers.

00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,540

{\an8}We are the guardians

of this sanctuary.

00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:49,878

{\an8}One of us tells only truths,

the other, only lies.

00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:51,379

{\an8}You ever fucked

this guy's wife?

00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:52,589

{\an8}Yes.

00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:55,049

{\an8}Well, how about that,

he guessed right.

00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:57,093

{\an8}I forgive you!

00:02:57,093 --> 00:02:58,136

{\an8}Oh, shit!

00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,262

{\an8}Alright, next room.

00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:01,097

{\an8}No, I wanna watch.

00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,474

{\an8}Did you see

how one of them lied?

00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:05,018

{\an8}Fine,

I'll call that one legit.

00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,478

{\an8}I'm not here to nitpick,

I'm here to find blatant fraud.

00:03:07,478 --> 00:03:11,232

{\an8}Okay, uh, show me

"Late Night Western."

00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:14,027

{\an8}Morty, Morty, Morty,

take me-- drive me--

00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,028

{\an8}take me--

00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,905

{\an8}w-wan go western bacon.

00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,573

{\an8}M-Morty,

western bacon now.

00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:19,824

{\an8}Ugh.

00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:25,413

{\an8}Ohoho, yeah.

00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:27,123

{\an8}Before you say anything--

I knew it! Busted!

00:03:27,123 --> 00:03:28,666

{\an8}You're banned from

that Carl's Jr.!

00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:30,501

{\an8}That doesn't make the drive-thru

an adventure, Morty.

00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:31,669

{\an8}Invalid.

00:03:31,669 --> 00:03:34,714

{\an8}Sounds like

it's anyone's game!

00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:37,550

{\an8}Well, n-no, it--

it's not a bet, it's an audit.

00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:41,471

{\an8}Observer, show us "Maximum

Overdrive with Clothes"!

00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,850

{\an8}At least this is better

than cars.

00:03:45,850 --> 00:03:47,143

{\an8}Cars can run you over.

00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:50,313

{\an8}[ Screams ]

00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:52,523

{\an8}Okay, no,

this is worse.

00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,400

{\an8}Boom.

Adventure, suck it.

00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,610

{\an8}Alright, fine.

00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:58,696

{\an8}Uh, how 'bout

"Whistlering Dixie"?

00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:05,203

{\an8}Whistler! Whattaya got to

tag and bag these bastards?

00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:09,082

{\an8}Made this lil' puppy after I

bagged my first neck-rophiliac.

00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:12,001

{\an8}Double-action triggers

pumping out 1,400 kilos

00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:13,670

{\an8}of holy water

per square inch.

00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,672

{\an8}Um...

This ol' girl's

got dry-aged,

00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,674

{\an8}Sicilian garlic

expelling out

00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:19,884

{\an8}at 3,200 feet per second,

00:04:19,884 --> 00:04:23,221

{\an8}is swaddled by

5,200 Solar-joules

00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:25,014

{\an8}of raw ultraviolet...

Yeaahhh...

00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,516

{\an8}...and she's only

getting started.

00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,851

{\an8}I'm talkin' crucifix-shaped

Chinese stars,

00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,895

{\an8}mirror-tipped wooden

stakes, and a--

00:04:30,895 --> 00:04:32,021

[ Portal gun zaps ]

Wha--

00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:34,565

Hello? G-Guys?

00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,943

Morty, that was just an old man

a rambling at us.

00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,152

People died!

00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:40,571

So, by your logic,

9/11 was an adventure?

00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:42,031

Tweet it,

see who agrees.

00:04:42,031 --> 00:04:42,991

Very well!

00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,409

Bear witness to 9/11!

00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:45,535

What?

No!

00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:46,828

Dude, don't, just,

00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:48,287

y-you need to

let us throw to the stuff, okay?

00:04:48,287 --> 00:04:49,539

Okay, what's next?

00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,542

What the hell

is "Leg Day"?

00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,043

Hey, look, Morty!

00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,004

I-I'm a leg!

00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,171

A leg, Morty!

00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:58,881

I'm Leg Riiick!

00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:00,299

Okay, I'll give you

that last one.

00:05:00,299 --> 00:05:01,968

What?

I-I mean--

00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,970

I mean, I'll take it but--

Hey, Morty,

check this out.

00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,430

That's clearly unlicensed.

00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,597

License this!

00:05:06,597 --> 00:05:08,307

Wait,

what are you doing?

00:05:08,307 --> 00:05:09,726

Hey, Smith,

you look hungry!

00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:12,270

How 'bout some

knuckle pie?

00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:13,521

Wuh the huh?

00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:15,481

Aw, geez.

Rick's implants.

00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:17,900

Big Doug...

get the truck.

00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:21,279

Whoo!

I've never felt so alive!

00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:22,572

Ayyy!

00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:23,906

Oh!

00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:28,995

Man.

00:05:28,995 --> 00:06:02,945

{\an8}♪

00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:06,365

Turn! Back!

Into! A boat!

00:06:06,365 --> 00:06:08,159

I'm trying!

00:06:10,369 --> 00:06:12,246

I'm trying...

Oh, Big Doug.

00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:16,876

Big Doug, no.

00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,127

There's my guy!

00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:19,796

C'mon, the hamsters

turned on me, Morty.

00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,297

We gotta go.

00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,341

R.I.P., Big Doug!

00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:24,634

Wasn't even in that one!

00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,469

Who cares, i-it wasn't even

on my list.

00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:27,804

T-This guy

just cued it up!

00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:30,306

Speaking of cues, what about

all those times

00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:32,183

you two misunderstood

each other?

00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:34,977

Wait, what? Are you setting up

a series of them?

00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:38,481

Trust me, the key is grouping

them with thematic connections.

00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,316

Uhhhhhhh...

00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:42,819

I-I just want to talk to Morty

in private,

00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:44,320

about something unrelated.

00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,739

Yeah,

we'll be right back.

00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:49,408

Okay, this guy might have been

kind of a mistake.

00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:51,077

He's really,

like, aggressive.

00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,286

He's steamrolling us.

00:06:52,286 --> 00:06:53,913

He thinks he's hosting

a fucking clip show.

00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:55,832

And I don't like his voice.

I don't like his voice,

00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,333

I-I don't like that

he's doing jokes,

00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:58,960

I don't like that

he's talking down to you.

00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,337

Thank you! Okay.

Let's rethink this.

00:07:01,337 --> 00:07:03,172

I still don't trust these,

but I'll accept these cards

00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:04,674

at 70 cents on the dollar.

00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,217

Done. Fair.

00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:07,802

How do we

get rid of him?

00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:09,595

Eh, I'll just pay the asshole

and tell him he did a great job.

00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:11,264

He thinks he's hosting

a fucking clip show.

00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,182

And I don't like his voice.

I don't like his voice,

00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:14,684

I-I don't like that

he's doing jokes,

00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:16,018

I don't like him

talking down to you.

00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:17,145

Okay, well, that's--

th-that's on us.

00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:18,354

Should have

seen that coming.

00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:19,689

Seeing is more my thing.

00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,190

Well then you know

he's about to pay you.

00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:23,568

And "tell me

I did a great job"?

00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:26,237

Fine, you caught us,

we secretly think you suck.

00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:27,947

Oh!

Here's twice

what I owe you.

00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,365

That's how little conversation

00:07:29,365 --> 00:07:30,658

we want to have

about you leaving.

00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:33,494

I have never seen

two bigger assholes!

00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:35,371

And I see all assholes!

00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:37,373

Then you can

see yours out.

00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:40,585

Byyyyee.

00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:41,836

Christ.

00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:50,887

[ Microwave beeps ]

00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,055

Shit,

howt, so howt.

00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:55,933

Gotta start in the middle,

statistically the coolest.

00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:57,977

Rick: You won't find a carb

on my plate, Morty.

00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,395

I'm all about that keto.

00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:01,355

No.

Is that-- Is that a fucking--

00:08:01,355 --> 00:08:03,065

Clip?

I'm a fats man.

00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:04,358

Gimme all the fats!

00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:06,777

That burrito

looks pretty carby!

00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,029

This fucking guy.

00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:09,822

That's your move?

Diet shaming?

00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:11,157

Just take the L, man!

00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:12,241

Th-This is embarrassing.

00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:15,203

Oh, I'll show you

embarrassing!

00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:16,579

Haaaaaaaa!

00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:19,749

Do it, Morty! I-It's the only

way to save the universe!

00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:22,043

H-How?

H-How is it the only way?

00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,295

Morty...

I'm dying...

00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:26,005

it's up to you...

00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:29,300

Aahh!

00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:30,676

Riiick!

00:08:30,676 --> 00:08:31,969

Aghhh!

What the hell

are you doing?

00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:35,056

Saving the universe!

I think?

00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:36,933

Right, Rick?

00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:41,646

{\an8}♪

00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:44,649

- This guy's nuts!

- Screw you, Morty!

00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:47,109

What the hell?

You told me I was a hero!

00:08:47,109 --> 00:08:49,278

You were that night.

What the hell's going on?

00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:52,240

Is that angry stone playing...

videoclips?

00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,117

It's some weirdo Grandpa hired

to prove I'm a bad person.

00:08:55,117 --> 00:08:58,621

Turns out people that take that

job aren't fun to be around.

00:08:58,621 --> 00:08:59,664

Get out of here!

00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:01,582

Sidewalk's public property,

bro!

00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:03,960

I can observe

all I want from here!

00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,169

This isn't our problem, Dad.

00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:07,380

Please make this loud thing

go away.

00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,298

Yeah,

I was studying for a test.

00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:10,508

The Observer:

No, you weren't!

00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,134

Fucking rock asshole.

00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:13,511

Now you've done it!

00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:18,015

As they've shamed me,

so shall I now shame you!

00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:23,813

[ Knock on door ]

Summer: Mom?

Are you drinking wine in there?

00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,940

Um...

no, I'm shitting.

00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:28,776

Bitch, I know the sound

of a toilet lid moving.

00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:30,611

Woof.

Two birds, one stone.

00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:32,196

More embarrassing

for Mom than me.

00:09:32,196 --> 00:09:34,699

I wasn't lying,

I was going to shit.

00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:36,075

What's going on here?

00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,327

Cosmic being playing

embarrassing clips out of spite?

00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:39,662

Damn, Jerry.

Nailed it.

00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,706

I was watching from

the upstairs window.

00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,000

Well, watch this, loser!

00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,668

Morty, I'm throwing out

some stuff

00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,003

from our last couple adventures.

00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,671

You got any use

for this diamond?

00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,756

Morty: Nope.

I'm good.

00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,140

This is gonna be fine.

00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:02,893

[ Screaming ]

00:10:02,893 --> 00:10:06,814

I'm sorry!

I can't stop once I start!

00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:09,150

Whatever, everyone knows

I'm embarrassing.

00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:11,986

I'm bulletproof.

Oh, my God, this is so sad.

00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:15,656

Not as sad as you

after this!

00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:17,533

The so-called

"Hottie Snatchers"

00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:18,993

{\an8}have spread to Canada

and Mexico,

00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,703

{\an8}grabbing the most

attractive residents

00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,538

{\an8}and taking them

God knows where.

00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:26,167

{\an8}All Americans, even sub-sevens,

are advised to stay indoors.

00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,210

{\an8}You certainly wouldn't be safe

out there.

00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,421

{\an8}Not on the air, Michael.

00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,381

BRB, bathroom.

00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:34,800

I need to know!

00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,430

It's okay!

00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,974

It's not real, they're just

doing it at random!

00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:43,726

[ Screams ]

00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:45,644

Is everything okay?

I heard a--

00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:47,355

[ Screams ]

00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,566

You too, huh?

00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:52,526

It's not so bad

once you get used to it.

00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:56,197

I don't deserve this.

I just walked downstairs.

00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:58,407

Okay, well, if Dad's just gonna

stand here,

00:10:58,407 --> 00:10:59,867

should I

do something?

00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:01,118

Unless that somehow

tees me up--

00:11:01,118 --> 00:11:02,411

Walked right into it!

00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:05,414

This is our target,

Dichotomus Daniel--

00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:07,917

[ Farts ]

00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,919

That was my chair.

00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,254

It was a fart.

Birdperson always knows.

00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:14,173

It's true!

He's got that beak!

00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:15,758

Get lost,

you piece of shit!

00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:18,677

Why, so you can do stuff

like thiiis?

00:11:18,677 --> 00:11:20,554

[ Snoring ]

00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:26,769

Ugh, Morty...

00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,854

I'm afraid the only way out

is through the bottom

00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:31,190

of this massive vat

of whale semen.

00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:33,776

Well, that last one

was just for shock value.

00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:34,985

Fuck this guy!

00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:37,154

Haha, if you can't

take the heat,

00:11:37,154 --> 00:11:38,656

get out of the watchin'!

00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:39,990

You-- You-- You--

You suck!

00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:41,659

S-Showing weird shit

just 'cause

00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:43,702

we w-wouldn't let you treat

our lives like a clip show!

00:11:43,702 --> 00:11:45,246

- Yeah, get him, Morty!

- Mess him up, little bro!

00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:48,624

What, you gonna beat me up

like the piss guy?

00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:50,167

Hey!

Not cool!

00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:52,378

Why don't you tee up this clip

of me kicking your ass!

00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,796

Ow!

Oww!

00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:58,092

Aghhh,

I'm all rocks now!

00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:03,514

I never saw this coming...

00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:04,932

Shit!

00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:06,142

T-These guys can die?!

00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,643

I-I thought

they were cosmic!

00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:09,395

You know what, I say we leave

this thing in the street,

00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,689

deny any involvement,

and just hope this blows over.

00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,233

Unless, of course, they play

this exact clip on a screen

00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,777

in front of a jury with

some kind of built-in bias.

00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:20,072

As an observer,

I try to stay impartial,

00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,658

but I am not

seeing innocence.

00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:23,951

It's not blowing over, Rick.

00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:25,369

I'd tell you to stay positive, Morty,

00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:28,372

but I do not like

the looks of that jury.

00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,001

I can't believe we got ourselves

into this mess

00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:33,669

over something as petty

as what an adventure is.

00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:35,254

Yeah,

I-I guess I can admit

00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:37,465

I got a little loose

with the stamps--

Gotcha!

00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,508

Can the stenographer read back

that confession, please?

00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:43,053

Silence! The killing of

an observer is unforgivable.

00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:47,224

We must now decide

whether to end your existence.

00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:49,935

Your Honor, if everyone here

has truly seen everything,

00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,187

then you all know

my grandson

00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:53,147

and I did this whole thing

with giants.

00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:54,899

Did what whole thing?

00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,442

I will address that!

00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,819

I'm your

court-appointed defender.

00:12:58,819 --> 00:13:01,280

Your Honor, observe the time

Rick and Morty

00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,240

did this with giants!

00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,658

This is an open and shut case, Morty.

00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:06,494

Y'know w-w-what do ya think

is gonna happen,

00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,496

some magical angel's

gonna show up and--

00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:09,830

Fee-fi-fo-fum,

00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:11,540

I smell the violation

of civil liberties!

00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:14,376

The moments are practically

identical, Your Honor.

00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:17,296

I move for a mistrial

on the grounds it bumps.

00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,173

If the argument is that

Rick and Morty

00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:22,551

repeat their mistakes,

the prosecution agrees!

00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:25,638

Oh, God, y-you sound just like

the guy we killed--

00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:26,597

uh, a-allegedly.

00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,349

That was my brother!

00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:29,892

I didn't like his voice

either!

00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,644

Well, this isn't gonna

help our case.

00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,230

Neither will

this next clip!

00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,023

Morty,

I made you a gorilla gun.

00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:37,858

Pretty cool, huh?

A gorilla gun?

00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:39,610

D-Does this do

what I think it does?

00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:40,736

Yup!

00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:42,071

Where's your lunch money, punk?

00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:43,364

Lunch money?

00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:45,658

Are you sure you wouldn't

rather have... a banana?

00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,326

[ Screams ]

[ Crash ]

00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:50,496

[ Crying ] I thought it would

turn him into a gorilla.

00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,957

Why would you want a bully

to be a gorilla?

00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:54,458

It was a gun

that kills gorillas.

00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:56,835

Please go easy on him,

th-this one's on me,

00:13:56,835 --> 00:13:57,962

and it won't

happen again.

00:13:57,962 --> 00:13:59,672

Morty,

this is a bully gun.

00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:00,798

Whoa! Cool!

00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:02,091

Any questions about it?

Not really.

00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,801

Yeah, should be

self-explanatory.

00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:04,927

Have fun.

00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:06,095

Hey.

Give me your backpack.

00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,972

You trying to bully me?

Yeah.

00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:09,682

Well, how are you

going to bully...

00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,809

another bully?

00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,644

What are you doing?

00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,106

[ Coughing ]

00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,733

I feel like this one's

not entirely my fault.

00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:21,068

Okay,

how do you feel?

00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:22,278

I-I'm okay.

00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,363

I mean, maybe just stop

giving me guns, or--

00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,824

Or make them less ambiguous,

way ahead of you.

00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,242

Here.

Take this.

00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:30,619

This is a gun, and I want

to be really specific here,

00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:34,123

this is a gun that you only use

to shoot bad people.

00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,833

Are we clear?

Okay, Rick.

00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:37,209

When are you

going to use that?

00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,461

When I want to shoot

a bad person.

00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:40,629

Okay.

00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:42,131

I had a great time tonight, Jessica.

00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:43,299

Hey.

Give me your money.

00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:47,303

Why don't you

take this instead?

00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:48,304

Jeffrey Dahmer?

00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:49,805

Hi.

Uh, what's happening?

00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:51,640

I don't know,

just run.

00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,686

Let the record show this bit

continued for several more guns.

00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,480

What are we even guilty of in

that one, being kind of dumb?

00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,983

For being dumb

over and over!

00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,528

A-ha! But, Your Honor,

is that not the definition

00:15:04,528 --> 00:15:05,946

of experimentation?

00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:07,531

The foundation

of science?

00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:11,160

And are Rick and Morty therefore

not only not not learning,

00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,120

but therefore

actively learning?

00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,913

Observe this example!

00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,043

How long before Ben Franklin

comes back to life?

00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,128

Holy shit!

Yes!

00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:22,671

Shit, he came back evil.

00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:25,174

What do you think will happen

if we bury him again?

00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:26,550

You don't know?

00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,761

This is my first time

using Pet Sematary soil, Morty.

00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:29,970

I mean...

00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:31,388

as long as we're

asking questions...

00:15:31,388 --> 00:15:33,182

we've been here so long

my phone died.

00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,516

It's not gonna

charge your phone!

00:15:34,516 --> 00:15:36,060

So you can be curious

and I can't?

00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,436

Fuck, you're right.

00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:39,355

W-We're sitting on top of

brand-new science here.

00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:40,856

L-Let's gather some data!

00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:43,192

[ Both grunting ]

00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,401

Put your back into it,

Morty!

00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:46,111

Y-You think it'll refill

the tank?

00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:47,780

Good pitch, Morty!

00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,032

Okay, let's bury that kangaroo

from the waist down.

00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:52,284

Holy shit!

Will only his legs come back?

00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:53,661

Who knows?!

00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,245

Hey, I'm having a great time

with you tonight, Morty!

00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:56,372

[ Alarm beeping ]

00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,123

W-What's that one?

Ben Franklin!

00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,792

R-Remember we tried

wrapping him in tin foil

00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,710

to see if it'd shield him

from the evil?

00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:03,170

Oh, yeah.

00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,296

[ Sizzling ]

Ow!

00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:05,756

Fuck!

I-It's hot!

00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:06,924

Jesus Christ...

00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:10,719

It cooked him like a pig

at a luau.

00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:11,887

It's so moist.

00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:13,055

Rick!

That's a guy!

00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,057

Man, what is this place

doing to us?

00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,810

Is nothing sacred

to you two?

00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,186

What are these clips?

00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:20,562

Wh-What are we even

on trial for anymore?

00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,731

What's anyone on trial for, son?

00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,024

Being good or evil.

00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,068

L-Look, sure,

we can be irreverent

00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:27,569

but w-we're far

from evil.

00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:29,363

We make more friends

than enemies!

00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,615

Let's run the tape

on that one!

00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:34,034

Hey, Rick, can you make

my churro come to life?

00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:35,536

On it!

00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,746

Hiiiiiiii!

I'm Churry!

00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,206

Churry,

do you want to have fun?

00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:40,249

Let's go!

00:16:40,249 --> 00:17:07,526

{\an8}♪

00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:10,738

This has been the best time

of my life, Churry.

00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,531

Okay, thanks, Rick!

00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,116

Y-You can turn him back

into a regular churro now.

00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,868

What?

I-I can't turn him back.

00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,829

You asked me to bring him

to life. Bam, done.

00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:20,456

But he's a churro, he doesn't

have internal organs,

00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:22,082

a brain, et cetera.

00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:26,086

in order to live, I had to

make him functionally immortal.

00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:27,838

What.

00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:35,512

My...

My family!

00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:36,597

Goodbye, Churry.

00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,515

I'll miss you.

00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:44,354

These are just

regular churros?

00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:47,316

Oh, my God, no!

00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,568

Mark my words, Morty!

00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,862

I shall leave you

as you left me!

00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:53,322

On a barren planet!

00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,824

Praying for death!

00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:57,785

I'm starting to see why

this lawyer was free.

00:17:57,785 --> 00:18:00,788

Okay, well, we never

intentionally hurt people.

00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,748

Yeah, we adventure!

Stuff goes wrong.

00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,082

We don't just

murder for fun.

00:18:04,082 --> 00:18:06,335

Oh!

Here's a clip about that topic!

00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,045

I did it, Morty!

00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:10,214

I killed the versions of us

that were in "Space Jam"!

00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:11,632

Help me with the bodies!

Wow!

00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:13,383

How you'd do it, Rick?

It was easy, Morty.

00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:14,384

Th-They welcomed death!

00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:15,844

They wanted out,

Morty!

00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:17,846

No, no, no, you don't get it,

they begged me.

00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:19,056

It was a kindness!

00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:20,098

Was that helpful?

00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:22,434

It was

for the prosecution!

00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:23,977

Okay, I've heard enough!

00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:25,521

No, you fucking haven't.

00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,190

If we're about to die, at least

let us defend ourselves.

00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,399

- Ahh, the outrage!

- Ehh, seems iffy.

00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:30,651

I'll allow it.

00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,194

But no lollygagging!

00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:34,321

I only need one clip,

Your Honor.

00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:37,825

If it pleases the court,

hold on to your tits.

00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,118

[ Murmuring ]

00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:43,789

I'm a leg, Morty!

00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:45,666

You like that?

00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:47,167

Yeahhh, I know you do.

00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:49,211

Oh!

We already saw that one.

00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:50,754

No, that's the other time

I did it.

00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:52,172

That was your Hail Mary?

00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:53,757

I held onto my tits

for nothing!

00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:54,716

- Boo!

- Boooo!

00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:55,801

- That was mid!

- Boo!

00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:56,969

I hereby find

00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,054

Rick and Morty guilty!

00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,889

Time to die!

00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:10,232

What in tarnation?

00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,025

Plot twist!

Whattaya expect?

00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:14,736

You gave me access

to your tech.

00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:16,446

Look, I-I'm not saying

we're heroes,

00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:18,365

but in the two minutes

I've had access to your server,

00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,075

I can "observe"

you're no better.

00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:23,495

Here,

let's see a clip.

00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,414

Help! Please!

00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:26,999

Oh, my God!

Please!

00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,042

Augh! Please!

00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:33,213

Absurd!

00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:34,840

If the Observer

was in the clip,

00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,258

who was watching?

00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,634

Glad you asked!

00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,595

Please!

00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:41,471

Augh!

00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:43,891

Jesus Christ.

00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,560

You can't shame us for watching!

It's who we are!

00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,229

Right, and you'd never

take advantage of that.

00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:51,273

Hot copies!

Freshly watched!

00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:53,025

I've got "Avatar" 3 through 6!

00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,777

Friends and Family screening,

the VFX aren't done,

00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:57,362

but they're still blue!

00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:59,615

It's not my fault

I saw those movies!

00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:02,117

Yes!

We observe, it's all we do!

00:20:02,117 --> 00:20:03,911

Ohhoho!

It's not all you do.

00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:08,498

I'll give you guys $20

to fight each other.

00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:10,292

Money, money!

00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:12,628

As it turns out,

you do plenty!

00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,962

You're just as bad as us!

00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:15,297

We're not all bad.

00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:17,382

I observe a couple

of bad apples!

00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,009

Who are you calling

an apple?

00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:22,346

Should we all observe

what you did with Tom's wife?

00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:25,557

Observe me harder!

Harder!

00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,142

I regret nothing,

Tom!

00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:28,810

The only thing

you could never see

00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,646

was what a treasure

Nancy was.

00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:34,066

I'll kill you!

I'd like to observe you try!

00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,028

Geez, Rick.

00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,363

People be fucking

each other's wives, huh?

00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:41,657

Marriage is a scam, Morty.

00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:42,741

Let's scram.

00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:45,702

Wait!

I still have more clips!

00:20:45,702 --> 00:20:47,996

Morty, I appreciate

what you were trying to do,

00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:50,666

with the punch cards,

my whole groove thing.

00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:51,833

Thanks.

00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:53,502

So...

is this a stamp?

00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:55,504

Or you gonna make me count this

as my adventure?

00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:57,464

How about we just

ignore this one.

00:20:57,464 --> 00:21:00,259

Yeah.

Yeah, good call.

00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,301

80 cents on the dollar?

00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:03,387

75.

Done.

00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:04,596

Whattaya say, Rick?

00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:06,306

Fly through space,

come upon something,

00:21:06,306 --> 00:21:07,766

maybe I have

a moral objection,

00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:10,227

stuff gets messy,

and you ultimately bail us out?

00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:11,853

L-Let's take it

for a spin.

00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:14,231

Rick and Morty!

We're back, baby!

00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:15,691

Check the glovebox!

00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:17,317

Whoa, another gun!

00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:48,890

{\an8}♪

00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:51,977

Hey, Morty, see you at

the frolf mixer tomorrow?

00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:54,271

Y-Yeah, sure thing, Jimmy.

00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:56,189

[ Screams ]

00:21:56,189 --> 00:21:58,483

I knew this day

would come...

00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:00,485

Oh, oh, God!

00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:02,738

Aaah!

00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:04,197

Niiice.

00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:05,907

Free churro.

00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:07,868

Whew.

00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:10,162

Aaah!

00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:13,123

{\an8}Did you get any of that?