Воздушные силы Вонг

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Hold on. One sec.

00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:14,180

Left a bag of Funyuns

down there last week.

00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:17,016

Didn’t want to waste our time.

Okay, let’s do it. Therapy me.

00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,355

{\an8}- Do you need to take that?

- No. Just the President.

00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,817

- Maybe we should turn off the phone.

- President of the United States.

00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:26,943

Thought you might think that was cool.

00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,903

You like it when people

think you’re cool?

00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:30,280

You’re extra analytical today.

00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,616

- Looking to remodel your kitchen?

- Sanchez! I know you’re in there!

00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,162

When I call you directly

it’s an emergency.

00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,330

I was in therapy.

Don’t stigmatize mental health.

00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,166

How rude of me. Hello,

00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:43,585

- I’m President Andre Curtis.

- Yes, I recognize you.

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Oh? How nice.

00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:47,714

It’s not nice to recognize a president,

can we go?

00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:53,762

In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated

the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Erie

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and replaced her bones with titanium.

00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:57,849

She was then bit by several werewolves,

00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,934

giving us the ultimate

anti-submarine weapon.

00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:00,769

Got it.

00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,645

But the Soviets smuggled

in a leprechaun,

00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:06,566

who turned Nessie’s bones to silver,

giving her the were-version of AIDS.

00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,860

She sank to the bottom

and we assumed she was dead.

00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:12,447

But she was only asleep.

Now she’s awake... and hungry.

00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:13,531

You can’t date my shrink.

00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:16,826

- What? Bro, you’re nuts.

- Then don’t date my shrink.

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I’m not dating your shrink!

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She probably doesn’t even like me.

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- Stand down, Sanchez!

- Tell him to stand down!

00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:26,294

- Would you let him bang your therapist?

- I don’t believe in therapy!

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What the hell does that even mean,

you don’t believe in it?

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- He’s a scientologist.

- Don’t date my shrink!

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- And don’t be a Space Mormon!

- Why not?

00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:34,552

It’s silly!

00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,471

Sorry, it’s a cheap shot.

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Worship how you want.

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- I like Tom Cruise.

- Thank you.

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- Therapy’s working.

- Keep it in your pants.

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Welcome back to Mr. Stabby!

00:02:20,139 --> 00:02:22,058

Let’s get another question

from the audience!

00:02:24,018 --> 00:02:26,104

Why do people

get tickets to his tapings?

00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,522

{\an8}It’s a fame-obsessed culture.

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{\an8}- Mr. President.

- I’ve got an emergency, Rick.

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{\an8}Another President mission?

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{\an8}You just killed

the Loch Ness Monster for him.

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{\an8}-Tell that little bitch to zip it.

- You can’t talk to me like that!

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{\an8}Tell him he can’t talk

to me like that...

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{\an8}- You can’t talk to Morty like that.

- Whatever.

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{\an8}I’ll portal over.

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{\an8}I’ve seen this one anyway.

The audience dies.

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{\an8}Rick, thanks for coming.

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{\an8}We’ve got a situation

in the state of Virginia.

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{\an8}- Bigfoot.

- That’s Montana.

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{\an8}- Nazis.

- That’s... everywhere.

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{\an8}That’s an exaggeration, sir.

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{\an8}Jesus, Carl, you too?

00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,639

{\an8}The problem in Virginia is... love.

00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,434

{\an8}You’ve heard the state motto,

"Virginia is for Lovers"?

00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,519

{\an8}Well, now they’ve codified it into law.

00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:10,481

{\an8}Virginia has declared itself

literally and exclusively for lovers.

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{\an8}- Sounds boring.

- It gets worse.

00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:16,321

{\an8}There’s no crime, no poverty,

and suspiciously, no complaints.

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The governor just hit

a hundred percent roval rating.

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{\an8}- And that’s worse?

- A hundred percent?

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{\an8}Get on the web, Dwayne,

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{\an8}there’s no such thing

as a hundred percent of anything.

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{\an8}America knows and incinerates

a cult when it sees one.

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{\an8}But I can’t do that to all of Virginia,

so we need to infiltrate.

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{\an8}I volunteer to do acid

to prove I’m not a cop.

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{\an8}No lone wolves.

00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:38,301

{\an8}We need a crack team for this one.

Rick, meet Fleeflak.

00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,970

{\an8}- He might be able to tell the future.

- Might?

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{\an8}We’re waiting to find out.

Onyx here is a weapons specialist,

00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,684

{\an8}and our eye in the sky’s

my chief of staff bot, Chi-Chi.

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{\an8}- Sleek.

- Yes, an excellent team.

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{\an8}But there’s something missing...

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{\an8}- A psychology expert, perhaps.

- Fuck me!

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{\an8}You pretended to need a crack team

so you could get Wong’s number?

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{\an8}Get her number?

00:03:57,987 --> 00:04:01,074

{\an8}I own the CIA,

if I wanted I could get her genome .

00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,743

{\an8}So you wanted what from me, permission?

You got it.

00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,912

{\an8}It’s a free country,

so you’re always saying.

00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,664

{\an8}That’s certainly

all I’d be willing to pay.

00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,666

{\an8}You’re making me choose?

You or her?

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There’s three billion women on this

planet that have nothing to do with me.

00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,505

- Can you blame them?

- You suck.

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- Wait! Danger!

- Wow that’s great, buddy.

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It’s goin’ right on the fridge.

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I appreciate your lending your expertise

to this mission, Doctor Wong.

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- Gun?

- No thank you.

00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,732

I was surprised to receive your call,

but excited.

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I haven’t done field

work since grad school.

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We think the people of Virginia

have become some kind of hippy sex cult.

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I haven’t done that since

grad school either.

00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:46,744

Doctor Wong, you are a firecracker!

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Sir, we’ve reached the border.

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Halt!

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I’m so sorry, Mr. President,

Virginia is closed to visitors.

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I thought it was for lovers.

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I’m a lover.

You guys lovers?

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I appreciate that,

00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:03,886

but the rest of your country

doesn’t need Virginia’s love right now.

00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:06,431

You know, the last time

a state talked that way,

00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:09,058

- we had to have a whole thing.

- And?

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And this time

the other side has nukes.

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Let them in.

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- Well done, Doctor.

- Call me Helen.

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As you can see,

Virginia has no crime, no poverty.

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- All goods are freely given.

- Communist bastards.

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- And all goods are freely made.

- Communist bastards!

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So what happened? Tell me the secret.

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Well, if I tell you,

you’ll tell everyone.

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But if I show you, you won’t have to.

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How unsettling and cryptic of...

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My God, so that’s it?

00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,683

You’re all just drunk?

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Sir! It’s some kind

of body snatching hive-mind!

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Finally your religion comes in handy!

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No!

My only chance at meeting Will Smith!

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Pick up your phone, asshole,

when I call it’s an actual emergency!

00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:11,579

Rick?

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- Unity.

- Take it easy, take it easy...

00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:17,960

I can explain,

just let me get things under control.

00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,796

You controlling things

is the explanation

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and we agreed you wouldn’t

do it where I work.

00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,384

The fuck are you spraying me with?

00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,887

A new scent I picked up after you left.

00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:31,849

- I call it "Separation."

- You concocted a me repellent?

00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:33,601

Does that look like a bad idea?

00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:38,773

Rick, are you in a relationship

with the population of Virginia?

00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:39,774

We dated.

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I just want to talk.

00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,155

I’m pretty sure

you have trillions of cell phones.

00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,157

No, come back, let’s talk!

00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:54,455

Thank god you had a crack team with you.

00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:55,957

- Where’s Helen?

-"Helen?"

00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:57,208

She initiated first name...

00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,295

Call in a chopper!

I’m being cock blocked!

00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,841

Rick! It’s me.

00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:06,843

I was released from Unity.

00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,845

Cool, so you won’t mind if I spray this.

00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:12,807

Wel... I won’t, but we’re surrounded

and Unity knows your reload time.

00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:15,852

I really believe

you and Unity should talk.

00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,521

How would you know?

You’re just a nutritionist.

00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:22,191

When you work in nutritionism as long

as I have, you get a certain feel...

00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,949

Calm down.

We came because we’re worried about you.

00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:32,785

- Why?

- We hear things, Rick.

00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:35,830

I tried calling but...

is it true you’re looking for...

00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,373

him again?

00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,333

You almost died last time.

00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,961

- That’s none of your business.

- You’re our business.

00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,505

You quit that business!

And you’re fired from that business!

00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:46,007

And I’m using your last paycheck

00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,176

to cover the stapler you stole which

was my heart!

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Civil War, baby!

00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:55,725

Sorry.

That was supposed to be suppressive.

00:07:58,352 --> 00:07:59,812

Rick, wait!

00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,233

- Thank you, Andre.

- Thank you, Helen.

00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,527

It’s time to put these bastards on ice.

00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:08,988

- Cue up the dome!

- Yes sir!

00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:33,930

Do you have a dome

the size of every state?

00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,642

You’ll need a second date

for that answer.

00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,601

Barf.

00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,272

A nation in turmoil tonight

as the entire state of Virginia

00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,733

continues to be trapped

inside an energy dome.

00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,236

The White House released

a statement dismissing

00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:50,947

the President’s shouts of

"Civil War, baby."

00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,533

as hyperbole.

Shonda, what do we make of that?

00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:57,036

- More like Hyper Bully, Tom.

- Shit. Shonda came to play.

00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:00,539

This President has been in office

for how many alien invasions?

00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:02,041

Not to mention the mutant turkeys,

00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,960

the abandoned White House

orbiting our planet,

00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,544

the eco-conscious dinosaurs...

00:09:05,544 --> 00:09:06,671

Then he sees Virginia

00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:09,257

with its perfect economy

and synchronized lawn mowing,

00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:12,301

so he shoots them

and puts them in a dome?

00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:14,470

- Classic Curtis.

- Will someone mute the god damn news?

00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,973

If I want a list of my failures,

I’d dig up my mother.

00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:19,976

I’m... sorry, that’s a turn off, right?

00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:21,811

Guy screaming about

his mother in a war room?

00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:25,606

Sanchez! America hates your dome!

How long is it going to be up?

00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:27,692

Hope you marked that.

It was his dome in the chopper.

00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,987

Now it's mine. It will contain that

part of Unity until I shut it down,

00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:34,282

because... one of us here,

Knows how to set boundaries.

00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,493

Rick, I agree that my accepting

this mission was inappropriate,

00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:40,371

- when I was invited, I didn’t know...

- That he was hitting on you?

00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:43,499

I was aware of potential

romantic motivations.

00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:44,792

And I was open to them.

00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:48,254

But I did not know you

and I would be crossing paths.

00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,006

You mean you didn't care.

Because on one hand,

00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,173

you got professional ethics,

00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:53,092

and in the other hand

you got world-famous schlong.

00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,177

- Now I get to beat you.

- Bring it...

00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,596

Alien vessel approaching Earth!

It’s hailing us!

00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:59,223

- Put it through.

- I don’t work for you.

00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:01,017

You couldn’t, you suck.

I’ll do it.

00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:03,269

Mr. President.

00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,187

Lady, you bring that ship

to America’s planet,

00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,981

I’m launching four thousand warheads.

00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,858

Three thousand

of which will turn out to work.

00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:11,736

Then I’ll call China

and you’re really fucked.

00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,112

Let’s listen to Unity.

00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:14,613

- Are you still here?

- Are you?

00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:16,699

If I wanted Earth,

I would have taken it.

00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:17,658

- Bullshit.

- Gimme a break.

00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:20,369

You cut eight million pieces of me off.

It hurt.

00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,080

You’ve made it clear

we can’t be friends, Rick,

00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,542

but I need to reconnect those people

so I can properly release them.

00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:30,046

They’re hosting a mindless collective,

if it connects to another mind,

00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:33,257

- it could become its own colony.

- You made a Powerpoint?

00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:35,718

I needed you to understand

how serious this is.

00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:38,137

- I can handle it.

- We got the spray, bitch!

00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,555

Don’t talk to them like that.

00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:42,058

- Rick, do you not trust Unity?

- Shut up.

00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,434

- Apologize.

- Eat me.

00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,394

- Do you not trust me, Rick?

- Who would?

00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:46,896

Let Rick answer.

00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,898

- Baby, I know you want to help, but...

- ...Andre.

00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:51,400

- I think we need to move slower.

- Slower?

00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,736

I haven’t even touched you and

you’re already back seat war rooming.

00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:54,820

- Andre.

- Helen.

00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,405

- Rick?

- I don’t trust you.

00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:58,407

You ghosted me to focus on your work.

00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:00,242

Your work is absorbing the universe.

00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,453

But it’s my universe. Please go.

00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,747

We’ll spray the Virginians

before they touch anyone.

00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,248

I’m sorry you lost a finger,

00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:08,876

but that’s the price

of surprise butt play. Goodbye.

00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,294

Goodbye.

00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,254

Alien vessel is departing.

00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:13,798

Good job, people,

00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,883

I’ll run the aerosol cannon

from the chopper,

00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:18,219

we need the optics.

Send out a press release.

00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:20,388

"President sprays Virginia

with the opposite of bullets."

00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:21,931

Write it better than that.

00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,517

You riding shotgun

or you staying butt hurt?

00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,811

Suck my dick and lose my number.

You too.

00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,313

If you invite me to the wedding

I will shit in the punch.

00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,276

He’ll be back.

What would you like for dinner?

00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,529

I’m not interested

in taking this further.

00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:40,950

What? Why? That’s insane.

How can you be a therapist and insane?

00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,660

Since you’re asking for feedback,

00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:46,330

my sincere advice is that you overcome

your need for approval.

00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,290

Okay, you want to play it that way?

00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:50,126

There’s an exit tunnel

by the ladies room.

00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:52,253

It gets lots of use!

00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:54,213

And not just by sex workers!

00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:57,466

Can you at least tell security

I did the dumping?

00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:03,347

- You okay?

- Yes.

00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,392

The news said Virginia

was a hive... mind.

00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:07,393

Yes.

00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:08,644

- Was it...

- Yes.

00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:10,146

My god, dude, whatever,

00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,605

when’s the last time

you saw your therapist...

00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,399

- Today.

- Well, then she sucks!

00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,484

- No Shit!

- Well stop yelling at me!

00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:18,487

- I need boundaries!

- Well here's a big one, fuck face!

00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:21,991

Sorry.

00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,789

Arriving at the dome, sir.

00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:30,040

Good! I don’t need anybody!

00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,334

- What?

- What? I said good!

00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,461

Tell me when we’re there!

00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,962

- We are!

- Roger that!

00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:36,505

Just gonna see how we’re looking!

00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,425

And there’s Helicopter One

with the forementioned gas,

00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,760

and you can actually

see President Curtis inside,

00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,680

checking his phone to see

if this will make people like him.

00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:48,184

There he is frowning now, of course,

as he realizes no amount of spectacle

00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,394

is going to undo his last debacle.

Shonda?

00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:52,813

Not Shonda, she hates me.

00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,648

It’s true, Tom, I mean, yes,

00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:58,694

President Curtis is going to release

Virginia from yet another alien threat,

00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:00,946

but when they

are free to speak their minds,

00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,657

{\an8}does he really think they’re

going to say "What a President?"

00:13:03,657 --> 00:13:05,034

Deactivating dome, sir!

00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:08,662

The fact is, nothing short of literally

a one hundred percent approval rating

00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,414

is gonna save Curtis

in the next election.

00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,542

Let her rip, sir!

00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,170

One hundred percent approval.

00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:20,883

Whoopsie! I’ll be right back!

00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,718

- Sir!

- I just gotta get the thing...

00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,553

How is that going to work?

00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,225

Give it to me. Give me that hive!

00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,023

Mother forgive me.

Just forgive me. I need it.

00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:46,116

- Holy....Shit!

- Shit!

00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,121

Loved ones are gathered

here to reunite with the captives,

00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,874

who appear to walking,

quite eagerly, and now running,

00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:57,670

in perfect unison, toward them, such

a beautiful scene, everyone kissing.

00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,256

And now everyone that got kisses

is kissing everyone else.

00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,591

Heartfelt, almost disgusting kisses,

00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:06,053

the wave of affection is headed in all

directions, hello, sir...

00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:09,181

The President has saved us.

He’s the best President,

00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:11,183

the best man, really, ever,

his mother was wrong.

00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,602

Did somebody close the lady tunnel?

00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,570

- Hey, Rick, was Unity -

- She’s gone and I don’t care!

00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:24,488

I think she’s back.

00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:28,617

Someone order cranky dick?

00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:30,286

- I said I was sorry.

- No you didn’t.

00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,662

I said it quietly, shut up.

00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:35,457

{\an8}Now Governor, can you explain why all

of Virginia ran in all directions and

00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:36,792

puked on everyone in the country?

00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:40,087

It’s simple, News Man.

They puke in love of President.

00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,423

We approve of the President.

Everyone does.

00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:46,135

Sorry, Governor but you’re making

me bring Shonda into this.

00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,636

Thanks, Tom. Governor,

00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:50,973

I can assure you that no matter

how you personally may feel...

00:14:52,891 --> 00:14:55,603

Good president.

President good good good.

00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,688

Are you okay?

Josh just vomited into your mou...

00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,693

I get it now.

What a President!

00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:04,737

- Approval here!

- President approved!

00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,864

I thought Unity promised

to never do this.

00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:07,990

That’s not Unity.

00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:10,576

- You kids stay inside and lock up.

- Dad’s still out shopping.

00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,745

Then stay inside,

lock up and plug your ears.

00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:13,746

Where are you going?

00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:15,372

Therapy.

00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:17,249

Thank God.

00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:35,851

You’re rehired.

00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,812

- Is that Unity?

- It’s your boyfriend.

00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:40,522

He must have linked

with the severed hive-mind.

00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,233

He’s going to assimilate

the earth faster than I can fight it.

00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:45,736

- And you want me to talk to him.

- There’s no talking to him.

00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:49,031

No human mind can keep itself together

while controlling millions of people.

00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:51,533

- So where are we going?

- I need Unity’s help.

00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:53,202

So you need

to convince her I’m worth it.

00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:54,870

- You aren’t.

- So lie.

00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,958

Inbound vessel detected.

00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,461

- Tell him to turn around.

- Tell me in person.

00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,004

- I’m already here.

- God damnit.

00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:06,382

- But your ship was just...

- You have your gimmicks, I have mine.

00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,425

This is my therapist,

she can vouch for me.

00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:11,345

We met. She was me for a second.

What do you want, Rick?

00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,055

Look, it’s clear you weren’t lying

00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,431

when you said you

could’ve taken over Earth

00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:16,558

because your finger

just took over America.

00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:18,143

I need you to help me fix that.

00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:21,355

- It took that to make you believe me?

- Why should I believe you?

00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,607

You show up unannounced

and hijack a state.

00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:26,402

I called you! Multiple times!

00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,945

You ghosted me.

00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,405

Rick, is that true?

00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,365

She dumped me,

why would I answer her calls?

00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:35,077

Alright, I’m gonna commit a cardinal

sin in couple’s therapy here, but Rick,

00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,122

- I think you’re wrong.

- Bringing you was a mistake.

00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:41,375

You had an outer space lady

who was worried for your life

00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,545

and your response was hostile

enough to cause a huge problem.

00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:45,629

Thank you.

00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:48,757

Now you’re asking her

to both forgive you and solve it?

00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:51,760

Unity, I think the reason Rick

brought me here is

00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,722

that he doesn’t know how

to indicate to you he’s changed,

00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:57,474

because he’s changing very slowly.

00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:58,642

But he is.

00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,770

Alright,

anyone else wanna call me a baby?

00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:04,606

Maybe we can drag this out until

Earth is fully assimilated?

00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:08,193

Alright,

so you’re asking for an invasion.

00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,150

Hold ‘em back!

They love me, they just forgot!

00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,486

They just forgot! They just forgot!

00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,783

No! Stop!

You love me!

00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,160

Why’re you stopping?

00:17:58,660 --> 00:17:59,661

I’ve won you over?

00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,583

Good! You’re here!

00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,668

Unity, kept them warm for you.

00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:10,839

They went a little crazy but,

anyway, seems like this is all over.

00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,716

Helen, we could grab some coffee?

00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:14,384

Wait Unity, what are you doing?

00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,638

Alright, Rick, that’s everyone.

00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,223

Nice job, Une.

00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,351

Well. This has been quite a session.

00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,228

Hope you do group discounts.

00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,064

Actually, just send

the bill to the White House.

00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,859

I wouldn’t be doing this

for anyone else, Rick.

00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,528

It was nice to team up again.

00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,114

No, I mean I wouldn’t be doing it.

00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:38,200

I’ve never released

hundreds of millions of people before.

00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,368

This is gonna suck.

00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:19,950

Here... it’s over.

Nice job, Une.

00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:21,785

I’m fine.

00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:22,870

You want a painkiller?

00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,622

I’m on a few of them right now.

00:19:26,164 --> 00:19:27,165

No thank you.

00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,167

I mean, you can hang out if you want,

00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,003

come see the kids,

00:19:32,629 --> 00:19:33,964

I trust you now.

00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:36,300

That’s nice but I don’t trust you.

00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:38,927

Fair enough.

00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,616

Hey Rick, it’s Unity.

00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,118

Give me a call, okay?

00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,538

Hey Rick, Unity.

Look, cards on the table,

00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,415

I heard you were

going after that guy again.

00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,584

Just made me worried, give me a call.

00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,712

Look I get it, I dumped you,

you’re ignoring me.

00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:17,466

But, I care about you and

I just wanna know you’re alright.

00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:21,303

Hey Rick, listen I’m just

gonna stop by Virginia, okay?

00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:23,221

I don’t know what state you live in

00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:25,641

but I’ll camp out there

and try to reach you.

00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:26,642

Hope you’re okay.

00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,019

Hey, Rick. David Miscavige here.

00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,980

Heard you were saying some really

great things about Scientology.

00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,982

- If you ever wanna meet Travolta...

- And playback.

00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,490

You uh,

really went all in on that approval?

00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,745

Shonda’s gonna eat me alive.

00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,914

- Fuck em.

- Thanks, Rick.

00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:56,129

Don’t take this the wrong way,

but I think I might need therapy.

00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:36,086

And we’re back with Mr Stabby.

00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:39,381

What do you say to people who say,

"I don’t want to get stabbed.

00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:40,590

I want to go a show,

00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,718

I have a right to not get stabbed."

00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:45,303

Well, Gary,

I have a right to arms and legs.

00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:46,888

But I wasn’t born with those.

00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,515

And I don’t think that means

I should be

00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:50,851

boxed out of an industry where,

let’s face

00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:54,813

it, there’s zero representation

of people with swords for arms and legs.

00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:57,357

But do you have to take questions

from the audience?

00:21:57,357 --> 00:22:00,402

People come to my show

because they want the experience.

00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,154

If they didn’t want it,

they’d stop coming.

00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:06,074

Your show has resulted

in the deaths of 58,000 attendees.

00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:09,578

Well, you’re talking about it.

00:00:08,740 --> 00:00:10,560

Да-да, ща... секунду.

00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:15,310

На той неделе оставил там луковые колечки,

а время терять не хотел.

00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:17,140

Ладно, за дело. Терапевтируй меня.

00:00:19,780 --> 00:00:20,980

Срочный звонок?

00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,520

Нет, всего лишь президент.

00:00:22,650 --> 00:00:24,430

Может, всё-таки выключим телефон?

00:00:24,490 --> 00:00:26,980

Президент США. Ну, разве не круто?

00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,880

Нравится, когда люди считают тебя крутым?

00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:31,530

Дофига анализируешь. Хочешь сделать ремонт на кухне?

00:00:31,550 --> 00:00:33,800

Санчез! Я знаю, что ты там!

00:00:34,810 --> 00:00:37,190

Если я звоню тебе напрямую, значит дело срочное.

00:00:37,210 --> 00:00:39,380

Я был у психотерапевта. Не порицай душевное здоровье.

00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:42,120

Где мои манеры? Здравствуйте.

Я - президент Андре Кёртис.

00:00:42,140 --> 00:00:43,590

Да, я вас узнала.

00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:44,820

Ууу, как мило.

00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,880

Она узнала президента. Что тут милого?

Идём уже.

00:00:48,270 --> 00:00:53,040

В шестьдесят первом году ЦРУ в тайне

переместило лохнесское чудовище

00:00:53,060 --> 00:00:55,710

в озеро Эри и заменило ему кости

на титановые.

00:00:55,730 --> 00:00:57,870

Потом его покусало несколько оборотней,

00:00:57,890 --> 00:00:59,880

и у нас появилось идеальное оружие против подлодок.

00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:00,310

Понял.

00:01:00,330 --> 00:01:04,440

Но Советы создали лепрекона,

который превратил кости Нэсси в серебро,

00:01:04,470 --> 00:01:06,600

тем самым она подцепила

оборотневую версию СПИДа.

00:01:06,620 --> 00:01:08,930

Мы полагали, что она ушла на дно

и погибла,

00:01:08,950 --> 00:01:12,220

однако она всего лишь спала,

но теперь проснулась и проголодалась.

00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,670

Никаких свиданок с моим психотерапевтом.

00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:15,750

Что? Бро, что за чушь?

00:01:15,770 --> 00:01:17,000

Тогда никаких свиданок.

00:01:17,260 --> 00:01:18,830

Да не встречаюсь я с ней.

00:01:19,610 --> 00:01:21,240

Может, я вообще ей не нравлюсь.

00:01:21,450 --> 00:01:22,380

Не смей, Санчез!

00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,610

Это ты ему скажи!

00:01:23,630 --> 00:01:25,080

Пусть и твоего психотерапевта трахнет?

00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:26,440

Я не верю в психотерапию.

00:01:26,890 --> 00:01:29,510

Что это, блин, вообще значит?

В смысле не веришь?

00:01:29,530 --> 00:01:30,520

Он - саентолог.

00:01:30,540 --> 00:01:31,590

Никаких свиданок!

00:01:31,610 --> 00:01:32,970

А ты не будь космо-мормоном.

00:01:32,990 --> 00:01:33,570

Почему?

00:01:33,590 --> 00:01:34,270

Это глупо!

00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:36,530

Прости. Ударил по больному.

00:01:36,890 --> 00:01:37,910

Поклоняйся кому хочешь.

00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:40,230

Мне нравится Том Круз.

00:01:40,330 --> 00:01:40,920

Спасибо.

00:01:41,140 --> 00:01:41,990

Терапия помогает.

00:01:42,010 --> 00:01:43,250

Держи свой черенок в штанах.

00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:20,110

Мистер Пырчик снова в эфире.

00:02:20,130 --> 00:02:22,280

Давайте ответим на ещё один вопрос из зала.

00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:26,170

Нафига люди берут билеты на съёмки?

00:02:26,190 --> 00:02:27,780

Культура поклонения знаменитостям.

00:02:29,310 --> 00:02:30,200

Господин президент.

00:02:30,220 --> 00:02:31,230

Срочное дело, Рик.

00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:34,650

Ещё одно задание от президента?

Ты ж только убил лохнесское чудовище.

00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:35,880

Скажи этой сучке закрыть рот.

00:02:35,900 --> 00:02:38,680

Со мной нельзя так общаться.

Скажи ему, что так нельзя.

00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:39,930

Нельзя так общаться с Морти.

00:02:39,950 --> 00:02:40,620

Да пофиг.

00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:41,680

Ща перемещусь.

00:02:42,490 --> 00:02:44,860

Всё равно я это видел. Зрители сдохнут.

00:02:47,770 --> 00:02:51,100

Рик, спасибо, что пришёл.

У нас проблема в штате Вирджиния.

00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:51,790

Бигфут.

00:02:51,810 --> 00:02:52,750

Он в Монтане.

00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:53,510

Нацики.

00:02:53,530 --> 00:02:55,040

А они... повсюду.

00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:56,580

Вы преувеличиваете, сэр.

00:02:57,050 --> 00:02:58,890

Господи, Карл, и ты?

00:02:59,130 --> 00:03:01,630

Проблема в Вирджинии это... любовь.

00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:04,430

Слыхал какой у них девиз штата?

"Вирджиния для влюблённых".

00:03:04,490 --> 00:03:06,710

Короче, они закрепили его в законе.

00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:10,690

Вирджиния объявила себя штатом

исключительно для тех, кто любит друг друга.

00:03:10,710 --> 00:03:11,660

Скукота.

00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:12,710

Дальше хуже.

00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:16,320

Там ни преступлений, ни бедности

и почему-то никаких жалоб.

00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:19,540

Рейтинг одобрения губернатора

достиг ста процентов.

00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:20,610

И это плохо?

00:03:20,630 --> 00:03:21,850

Сто процентов?

00:03:21,870 --> 00:03:25,320

Зайди в интернет, Дуэйн.

Там ничего не доходит до ста процентов.

00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:28,280

При появлении нового культа

Америка сразу же истребляет его.

00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,160

Но с Вирджинией это не прокатит,

поэтому там нужен свой человек.

00:03:32,180 --> 00:03:34,250

Готов схавать кислоту, чтобы доказать,

что я не коп.

00:03:34,270 --> 00:03:35,380

Никаких одиночек.

00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,610

Здесь нужна отборная команда.

Рик, познакомься с Флифлаком.

00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,290

Возможно, он предсказывает будущее.

00:03:40,310 --> 00:03:41,020

Возможно?

00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,700

Скоро узнаем. Оникс - специалист по вооружению.

00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,760

А разведкой заправляет начальник

ботов - Чи-Чи.

00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:47,490

Шик.

00:03:47,510 --> 00:03:48,820

Да, отличная команда.

00:03:49,220 --> 00:03:50,830

Но чего-то не хватает...

00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,150

Возможно, эксперта по психологии.

00:03:53,170 --> 00:03:54,140

Ебать мой рот!

00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,990

Якобы собираешь команду, только чтобы

стрельнуть номер Вонг?

00:03:57,010 --> 00:03:57,980

Стрельнуть номер?

00:03:58,060 --> 00:04:01,150

На меня работает ЦРУ.

Я могу узнать хоть весь её геном.

00:04:01,170 --> 00:04:03,850

Тебе чё, моё разрешение нужно?

Разрешаю.

00:04:03,870 --> 00:04:05,910

У нас свободная страна, как ты любишь говорить.

00:04:05,930 --> 00:04:07,730

Такую цену я готов заплатить.

00:04:07,750 --> 00:04:09,910

Предлагаешь мне выбор между ею и тобой?

00:04:10,010 --> 00:04:13,480

На этой планете три миллиарда женщин,

которые никак со мной не связаны.

00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,680

Разве можно их винить?

00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:15,500

Иди ты.

00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,090

Погоди! Опасность!

00:04:18,110 --> 00:04:21,920

Ого! Отлично, приятель.

Повесим на холодильник.

00:04:26,580 --> 00:04:29,790

Спасибо, что предоставили свои

профессиональные навыки, доктор Вонг.

00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:30,690

Ствол?

00:04:30,710 --> 00:04:31,500

Нет, спасибо.

00:04:31,790 --> 00:04:34,790

Я удивилась вашему звонку,

приятно удивилась.

00:04:34,810 --> 00:04:37,070

Я не занималась выездной работой

со времён магистратуры.

00:04:37,090 --> 00:04:41,030

Мы полагаем, что жители Вирджинии

превратились в какой-то хиппарьский секс-культ.

00:04:41,050 --> 00:04:43,350

Этим я тоже не занималась со времён магистратуры.

00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:46,740

Доктор Вонг, а вы - горячая штучка.

00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:48,050

Сэр, мы у границы.

00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:49,620

Стоять!

00:04:51,180 --> 00:04:54,710

Мне жаль, господин президент,

но Вирджиния не принимает гостей.

00:04:54,730 --> 00:04:58,170

Она же вроде для влюблённых.

Я влюблён. А вы, ребята?

00:04:58,790 --> 00:05:03,880

Спасибо конечно, но всей вашей стране

сейчас не нужна любовь Вирджинии.

00:05:03,930 --> 00:05:08,300

Когда штат разговаривал так со мной

в прошлый раз, появились сложности.

00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:09,140

И?

00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,270

А в этот раз у одной из сторон есть ядерка.

00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:14,890

Пустите их.

00:05:16,310 --> 00:05:17,770

Отлично, доктор.

00:05:17,790 --> 00:05:18,640

Зовите меня Хелен.

00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:21,870

РИК. ЧЁРТОВ АСТРОНАВТ

00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:28,680

Как видите, в Вирджинии нет

ни преступлений, ни бедности.

00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,280

Все продукты бесплатны.

00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,370

Коммуняки поганые.

00:05:31,390 --> 00:05:33,140

И создаётся всё тоже бесплатно.

00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,750

Коммуняки поганые!

00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,800

Так что случилось? Поделись тайной.

00:05:36,820 --> 00:05:39,140

Если поделюсь, то ты расскажешь всем.

00:05:39,410 --> 00:05:41,870

А если покажу, то рассказывать не придётся.

00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,840

Как жутко и загадочно ты...

00:05:48,010 --> 00:05:50,770

Господи, и это всё? Вы просто бухие?

00:05:51,990 --> 00:05:54,730

Сэр! Это какой-то коллективный разум,

похищающий тела!

00:05:54,750 --> 00:05:56,540

Наконец-то твоя религия пригодилась.

00:05:56,810 --> 00:05:59,670

Нет! Теперь я не увижусь с Уиллом Смитом.

00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,960

Трубку надо брать, мудозвон.

Если я звоню, то дело срочное.

00:06:10,660 --> 00:06:11,570

Рик?

00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:12,910

Юнити.

00:06:12,930 --> 00:06:14,950

Успокойся, успокойся...

00:06:14,950 --> 00:06:17,960

Я всё объясню. Только позволь мне сохранить контроль.

00:06:17,980 --> 00:06:19,960

Тотальный контроль и есть твоё объяснение,

00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,250

и мы договорились, что место моей

работы не попадает под него.

00:06:23,630 --> 00:06:25,380

Что за хуйню ты на меня брызгаешь?

00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:29,400

Я нашёл новые духи после твоего ухода.

Называются "Разделение".

00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:31,770

Ты сварганил репеллент для защиты от меня?

00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,630

Разве это плохая идея?

00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,780

Рик, ты находишься в отношениях

с населением Вирджинии?

00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:39,800

Мы встречались.

00:06:42,710 --> 00:06:44,170

Я просто хочу поговорить.

00:06:44,190 --> 00:06:46,290

Ну вот и трещи по триллиону мобильников.

00:06:46,780 --> 00:06:48,430

Нет, вернись, поговорим.

00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,430

Хорошо, что твоя команда с тобой.

00:06:54,450 --> 00:06:55,220

Где Хелен?

00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:55,950

Хелен?

00:06:56,030 --> 00:06:57,300

Она сама попросила так её называть.

00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:01,510

Вызывайте вертолёт.

У меня отбили девушку.

00:07:02,670 --> 00:07:05,010

Рик... это я.

00:07:05,270 --> 00:07:06,820

Юнити отпустила меня.

00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,910

Класс, тогда ты не против опрыскаться?

00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:12,890

Не против, но мы окружены,

и Юнити знает, сколько времени уходит на перезарядку.

00:07:13,470 --> 00:07:16,090

Я считаю, что вам с Юнити надо поговорить.

00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,500

Тебе откуда знать? Ты ж диетолог.

00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:22,330

Когда работаешь диетологом столько времени,

то появляется ощущение...

00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:30,190

Успокойся. Мы прилетели, потому что

переживали за тебя.

00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:31,270

Почему?

00:07:31,290 --> 00:07:32,780

Мы всякое слышали, Рик.

00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:36,020

Я пыталась связаться, но... ты правда снова ищешь...

00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,540

того самого?

00:07:37,570 --> 00:07:39,330

В прошлый раз ты чуть не погиб.

00:07:39,330 --> 00:07:40,710

Не лезь не в своё дело.

00:07:40,730 --> 00:07:41,960

Ты - наше дело.

00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,500

Ты бросила это дело, и тебя из него уволили.

00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:48,300

Твоей последней заплатой я покрою расходы

на украденный тобой степлер, то есть, моё сердце.

00:07:49,590 --> 00:07:50,930

Гражданская война, детка.

00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,950

Простите. Это должен был быть сдерживающий огонь.

00:07:58,350 --> 00:07:59,810

Рик, постой!

00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:03,240

Спасибо, Андре.

00:08:03,260 --> 00:08:04,230

Тебе спасибо, Хелен.

00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,720

Пора охладить пыл этих ублюдков.

00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:08,420

Включай купол.

00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:09,180

Есть, сэр!

00:08:31,710 --> 00:08:34,140

У тебя купол размером с каждый штат?

00:08:35,660 --> 00:08:37,620

На втором свидании отвечу.

00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:38,600

Срань.

00:08:40,350 --> 00:08:43,340

Нацию охватило смятение.

Штат Вирджиния по-прежнему

00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,920

находится под энергетическим куполом.

00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,520

Белый Дом заявил, что фраза, которую

выкрикнул президент

00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:52,200

"Гражданская Война, детка" является

гиперболой.

00:08:52,220 --> 00:08:53,530

Шонда, что думаешь?

00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:55,270

Скорее уж Гипер Быдло, Том.

00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:57,100

Охренеть. Шонда в ударе.

00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,530

Сколько инопланетных вторжений

этот президент находился на посту?

00:09:00,530 --> 00:09:02,150

Не говоря уже об индейках-мутантах,

00:09:02,170 --> 00:09:04,120

заброшенном Белом Доме на орбите планеты,

00:09:04,140 --> 00:09:05,680

экологически сознательных динозаврах...

00:09:05,700 --> 00:09:09,360

А тут он увидел Вирджинию с идеальной экономикой

и синхронной стрижкой газонов,

00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:12,300

и начал палить по жителям, а потом

накрыл их куполом?

00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,540

- Типичный Кёртис.

- Может, кто-нибудь заткнёт новости?

00:09:14,650 --> 00:09:17,040

Если захочу послушать о своих провалах,

то откопаю мать.

00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,000

П-прости, тебя такое отталкивает, да?

00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:21,960

Когда мужик в оперштабе

орёт про свою мать.

00:09:22,250 --> 00:09:25,580

Санчез! Америка ненавидит твой купол.

Долго он ещё будет включён?

00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,540

Заметила? В вертолёте это был его купол,

а теперь вдруг мой.

00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:31,900

Он будет сдерживать часть Юнити,

пока я его не отключу, потому что...

00:09:31,930 --> 00:09:34,280

кое-кто из нас умеет обозначать границы.

00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:37,490

Рик, я принимаю тот факт,

что моё согласие на задание было неприемлемым,

00:09:37,490 --> 00:09:39,200

но когда меня позвали, я не знала...

00:09:39,220 --> 00:09:40,510

Что он клеится к тебе?

00:09:40,740 --> 00:09:44,870

Я заметила потенциальный романтический

интерес и была готова его принять.

00:09:44,890 --> 00:09:45,350

Есть!

00:09:45,370 --> 00:09:48,200

Но я не думала, что наши с тобой пути пересекутся.

00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:51,220

То есть, тебе было пофиг. С одной стороны

у тебя профессиональная этика,

00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,190

а с другой - самый известный хер в мире.

00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:54,710

Сейчас тебе влетит.

00:09:54,730 --> 00:09:55,230

Валяй.

00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:57,590

К Земле приближается корабль пришельцев.

Он на связи.

00:09:57,590 --> 00:09:58,300

Подрубай.

00:09:58,320 --> 00:09:59,290

Я на не работаю на тебя.

00:09:59,310 --> 00:10:01,100

Ещё бы, ты ж чмо. Я сам.

00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:03,260

Господин президент.

00:10:03,260 --> 00:10:07,040

Дамочка, если этот корабль сядет на планету Америки,

то я запущу четыре тысячи боеголовок.

00:10:07,060 --> 00:10:09,090

И три тысячи из них сработают.

00:10:09,210 --> 00:10:11,710

А потом я позвоню Китаю,

и тогда вам пизда.

00:10:11,730 --> 00:10:13,180

Давайте выслушаем Юнити.

00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,080

Ты ещё здесь?

00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:14,610

А ты?

00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:16,690

Если бы я хотела забрать Землю,

то уже забрала бы.

00:10:16,690 --> 00:10:17,570

- Брехня.

- Ой да хорош.

00:10:17,590 --> 00:10:20,490

Ты отрезал от меня восемь миллионов частей.

Было больно.

00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:23,200

Рик, ты ясно дал понять,

что дружить мы не можем,

00:10:23,380 --> 00:10:26,660

но чтобы отпустить этих людей,

я должна восстановить связь.

00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,550

Сейчас их коллективный разум пуст,

00:10:28,570 --> 00:10:31,370

и если новый разум установит с ними связь,

то они образуют новую колонию.

00:10:31,390 --> 00:10:33,250

Ух ты, презентацию сделала?

00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:35,710

Ты должен понять, насколько это серьёзно.

00:10:35,730 --> 00:10:36,750

Разберусь.

00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,090

У нас есть спрей, сучара.

00:10:38,110 --> 00:10:39,530

С ними нельзя так говорить.

00:10:39,550 --> 00:10:41,550

Рик, ты не доверяешь Юнити?

00:10:41,570 --> 00:10:42,130

Завали.

00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:42,930

Извинись.

00:10:42,950 --> 00:10:43,430

Иди нах.

00:10:43,430 --> 00:10:44,870

Ты не доверяешь мне, Рик?

00:10:44,890 --> 00:10:45,580

А кто бы доверился?

00:10:45,810 --> 00:10:46,930

Пусть ответит Рик.

00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:48,450

Детка, понимаю, что ты хочешь помочь, но...

00:10:48,470 --> 00:10:48,950

Андре.

00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:50,800

Думаю, нам надо притормозить.

00:10:50,820 --> 00:10:53,780

Притормозить? Я тебя даже не тронул,

а уже на вторых ролях для тебя?

00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:54,420

Андре.

00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:54,820

Хелен.

00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:55,200

Рик?

00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:58,400

Я тебе не доверяю. Ты меня игнорила

и ушла в работу.

00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,450

А твоя работа - поглощать вселенную.

Но это моя вселенная. Прошу, уходи.

00:11:02,450 --> 00:11:04,810

Мы опрыскаем жителей Вирджинии,

пока они никого не тронули.

00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:08,350

Мне жаль, что ты лишилась пальчика,

но это цена за внезапную наёбку.

00:11:08,370 --> 00:11:09,070

Прощай.

00:11:09,410 --> 00:11:10,150

Прощай.

00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,380

Корабль пришельцев улетает.

00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:16,820

Отличная работа, народ. Я распылю аэрозоль

с вертолёта, нужна картинка для публики.

00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,210

Выпустить пресс-релиз.

00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:20,500

Президент опрыскивает Вирджинию

вовсе не пулями.

00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,000

Сформулируйте получше.

00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:24,510

Полетишь со мной или останешься

с горящей жопой?

00:11:24,530 --> 00:11:26,960

Иди нахер и не возвращайся. Ты тоже.

00:11:26,980 --> 00:11:29,480

Если пригласите меня на свадьбу,

то я насру вам в пунш.

00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:34,450

Он вернётся. Что будешь на ужин?

00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,600

Дальнейшие отношения меня не интересуют.

00:11:36,620 --> 00:11:41,020

Что? Почему? Это безумие!

Как можно быть безумным психотерапевтом?

00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,730

Раз уж ты просишь отзыв,

00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:46,420

то я искренне советую перебороть

потребность в одобрении.

00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:50,120

Вот значит как?

Возле женской уборной тоннель на выход.

00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,410

У него много применений и не только

среди работников секс-индустрии.

00:11:55,170 --> 00:11:57,700

Можешь хотя бы сказать охране,

что это я тебя бросил?

00:12:02,380 --> 00:12:02,950

Ты в порядке?

00:12:02,970 --> 00:12:03,380

Да.

00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,520

В новостях сказали, что Вирджиния

это коллективный разум.

00:12:06,540 --> 00:12:06,910

Да.

00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:08,120

Это была...

00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:08,640

Да.

00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,600

Господи, чувак, остынь, ты когда

в последний раз ходил к психотерапевту?

00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,250

Сегодня.

00:12:12,270 --> 00:12:13,390

Толку от неё.

00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:14,110

Ясен хрен!

00:12:14,130 --> 00:12:15,480

Хорош на меня орать!

00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:16,540

Надо обозначить границы.

00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,660

Вот тебе широченная граница, уёбок!

00:12:21,070 --> 00:12:21,990

Прости.

00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,760

Приближаемся к куполу, сэр.

00:12:28,810 --> 00:12:30,300

Хорошо. Мне никто не нужен.

00:12:30,410 --> 00:12:31,010

Что?

00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:33,460

Что? "Хорошо" говорю.

Скажи, когда будем на месте.

00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:34,350

Уже!

00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:36,610

Понял! Посмотрим, как это выглядит.

00:12:36,910 --> 00:12:39,500

А вот и борт номер один

с вышеупомянутым газом.

00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,860

Можно заметить внутри президента Кёртиса,

00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,680

уткнувшегося в телефон с надеждой,

что люди его полюбят.

00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:48,130

Сейчас он хмурится и понимает,

что никакие представления

00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:50,530

не перекроют его прошлую неудачу. Шонда?

00:12:50,850 --> 00:12:52,810

Только не Шонда, она меня ненавидит.

00:12:52,810 --> 00:12:54,770

Это правда, Том. То есть, да,

00:12:54,790 --> 00:12:58,690

президент Кёртис избавит Вирджинию

от очередной инопланетной угрозы,

00:12:58,710 --> 00:13:00,990

но когда люди изъявят своё мнение,

00:13:01,010 --> 00:13:03,720

он серьёзно думает, что они скажут

"Ну какой у нас президент!"

00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:05,030

Мы отключаем купол, сэр.

00:13:05,030 --> 00:13:08,660

К слову, на следующих выборах

Кёртиса может спасти ничего кроме

00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,430

стопроцентного рейтинга одобрения.

00:13:12,610 --> 00:13:13,710

Врубайте, сэр!

00:13:14,330 --> 00:13:16,410

Стопроцентный рейтинг одобрения.

00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,880

Ой-ёй, я скоро вернусь.

00:13:20,910 --> 00:13:21,230

Сэр!

00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:23,020

Я только эту штуку подберу...

00:13:23,460 --> 00:13:24,620

Какой в этом смысл?

00:13:27,370 --> 00:13:29,440

Дай мне коллективный разум.

00:13:34,140 --> 00:13:36,090

Прости меня, мама, прости,

но мне это нужно.

00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:44,120

Охре...

00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:46,110

неть!

00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,100

Возлюбленные собрались, чтобы

воссоединиться с пленными,

00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:55,480

которые с большим рвением шли,

а теперь уже бегут к ним в полном синхроне.

00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,670

Какое чудесное зрелище, все целуются.

00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,490

А кто поцеловался, начинает целовать остальных.

00:14:00,610 --> 00:14:02,620

Искренние до тошноты поцелуи,

00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,040

волна любви растекается во всех направлениях.

00:14:05,310 --> 00:14:06,150

Здравствуйте, сэр.

00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:11,400

Президент выручил нас. Самый лучший президент.

Он самый лучший человек. Его мать ошибалась.

00:14:12,180 --> 00:14:13,770

Закройте дамский тоннель.

00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,390

Эй, Рик, а Юнити что...

00:14:21,410 --> 00:14:22,800

Она ушла и мне плевать.

00:14:23,570 --> 00:14:24,560

Кажись, она вернулась.

00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:28,710

Кто заказал ворчливый хер?

00:14:28,730 --> 00:14:29,730

Я же извинился.

00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:30,280

А вот и нет.

00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:31,730

Я извинился про себя, завали.

00:14:31,750 --> 00:14:34,100

Губернатор, объясните, почему вся Вирджиния

00:14:34,130 --> 00:14:36,710

разбежалась во всех направлениях

и заблевала страну?

00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:40,060

Всё просто, новостник.

Они блюют из любви к президенту.

00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,530

Мы одобряем президента. Все одобряют.

00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:46,130

Простите, губернатор, но мне придётся

обратиться к Шонде.

00:14:46,130 --> 00:14:46,970

Спасибо, Том.

00:14:46,990 --> 00:14:50,970

Губернатор, могу заверить, что вне зависимости

от вашего личного мнения...

00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,630

Хороший президент.

Президент хороший, хороший, хороший.

00:14:55,650 --> 00:14:57,730

Всё нормально? Джош наблевал тебе в р...

00:15:00,390 --> 00:15:03,700

Теперь я понял. Ого! Ну какой у нас президент!

Одобряю!

00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:04,730

Президент одобрен.

00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:06,870

Вроде бы Юнити обещала так не делать.

00:15:06,890 --> 00:15:09,500

Это не Юнити.

Запритесь дома и не выходите.

00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:10,570

Папа ещё в магазине.

00:15:10,570 --> 00:15:12,790

Запритесь дома, никуда не выходите

и закройте уши.

00:15:12,810 --> 00:15:13,810

Ты куда?

00:15:14,450 --> 00:15:15,370

На терапию.

00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,240

Слава богу.

00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:35,850

Нанимаю снова.

00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:37,730

Это Юнити?

00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:40,700

Бойфренд твой. Кажется, он установил связь

с разлучённым коллективным разумом.

00:15:40,870 --> 00:15:43,210

Он ассимилирует всю Землю,

и я не успею его остановить.

00:15:43,230 --> 00:15:44,650

Ты хочешь, чтобы я с ним поговорила.

00:15:44,670 --> 00:15:45,730

Говорить бесполезно.

00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:49,030

Человеческий разум не сможет нормально

работать, управляя миллионами людей.

00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:50,340

Куда же мы летим?

00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,310

Мне нужна помощь Юнити, а ты должна

убедить её, что я того стою.

00:15:53,570 --> 00:15:54,170

Но это не так.

00:15:54,190 --> 00:15:55,060

Так соври.

00:15:58,330 --> 00:16:00,180

Приближается корабль.

00:16:00,290 --> 00:16:01,580

Скажи, чтоб разворачивался.

00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,130

Скажи мне это в лицо, я уже здесь.

00:16:03,150 --> 00:16:05,040

Чёрт возьми, но твой корабль...

00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:08,420

У тебя свои приблуды, у меня свои.

Это мой психотерапевт, она может поручиться за меня.

00:16:08,420 --> 00:16:11,340

Мы знакомы. Она была мной недолгое время.

Что тебе нужно, Рик?

00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:14,530

Слушай, ты явно не врала, когда сказала,

что можешь захватить Землю,

00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,550

потому что твой палец только что

захватил Америку.

00:16:16,550 --> 00:16:18,140

Помоги мне всё исправить.

00:16:18,140 --> 00:16:20,210

Только после этого ты начал мне доверять?

00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:23,600

С чего я должен тебе доверять?

Пришла без приглашения и увела целый штат.

00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,400

Я звонила тебе! Несколько раз!

00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:27,940

Ты игнорил меня.

00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:29,400

Рик, это правда?

00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,360

Она бросила меня. Нафига мне отвечать

на её звонки?

00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:35,070

Что ж, придётся мне пойти на смертный грех

семейной терапии, но, Рик,

00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:36,900

думаю, что ты не прав.

00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,380

Зря я тебя притащил.

00:16:38,490 --> 00:16:41,370

Девушка из космоса переживала за твою жизнь,

00:16:41,370 --> 00:16:44,620

а твоя реакция вылилась в огромную проблему.

00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:45,620

Спасибо.

00:16:45,690 --> 00:16:48,940

А теперь ты просишь её простить тебя

и решить проблему.

00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,790

Юнити, мне кажется, что Рик взял меня с собой,

00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:54,770

потому что не знает, как показать тебе,

что он изменился.

00:16:55,050 --> 00:16:57,470

А меняется он очень медленно.

00:16:57,470 --> 00:16:58,640

Но меняется же.

00:16:59,850 --> 00:17:01,890

Так, кто ещё хочет назвать меня сопляком?

00:17:01,910 --> 00:17:04,660

Давайте ещё потянем время,

чтобы Земля полностью ассимилировалась.

00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:08,310

Хорошо. То есть, ты просишь о вторжении.

00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,250

Сдержите их! Они меня любят, просто забыли.

00:17:48,270 --> 00:17:50,690

Просто забыли. Просто забыли.

00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:55,900

Нет! Стойте! Вы меня любите!

00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,660

Почему вы остановились?

Я вас задобрил?

00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:04,750

О, отлично. Ты здесь.

00:18:04,910 --> 00:18:06,890

Юнити, я их подготовил для тебя.

00:18:07,090 --> 00:18:10,920

Они немножко спятили, но не важно,

кажется, всё закончилось.

00:18:11,210 --> 00:18:14,420

Хелен, как насчёт кофе?

Нет, Юнити, что ты делаешь?

00:18:16,190 --> 00:18:17,660

Готово, Рик. Этот последний.

00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,220

Молодец, Юнька.

00:18:19,910 --> 00:18:22,520

Что ж, это был интересный сеанс.

00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,570

Надеюсь, ты делаешь групповые скидки.

00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,060

А хотя отправь счёт в Белый Дом.

00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,850

Я бы ни для кого этого не сделала, Рик.

00:18:30,850 --> 00:18:32,520

Да, было здорово снова быть командой.

00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:35,420

Нет, я никогда такого не делала.

00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:39,360

Я ещё никогда не отпускала сотни миллионов людей.

Полная лажа.

00:19:17,530 --> 00:19:20,240

Ну вот, всё кончено.

Молодец, Юнька.

00:19:20,490 --> 00:19:21,470

Я в порядке.

00:19:21,780 --> 00:19:23,080

Дать обезбол?

00:19:23,490 --> 00:19:25,880

Я уже принял несколько штук.

00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,330

Нет, спасибо.

00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,310

Ну, ты заходи, если хочешь,

00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,250

с внуками повидаешься.

00:19:32,620 --> 00:19:34,090

Я доверяю тебе.

00:19:34,380 --> 00:19:36,390

Очень мило, но я не доверяю тебе.

00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:38,920

Справедливо.

00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:00,890

Привет, Рик, это Юнити.

00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,270

Перезвони мне, ладно?

00:20:03,860 --> 00:20:08,410

Привет, Рик, это Юнити. Не буду ходить

вокруг, да около. Я узнала, что ты снова его ищешь.

00:20:08,910 --> 00:20:10,850

Я переживаю. Перезвони.

00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,060

Я понимаю, ты меня игноришь,

потому что я тебя бросила.

00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,460

Но я за тебя переживаю и просто хочу

знать, что ты в порядке.

00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:21,370

Слушай, Рик, я заскочу в Вирджинию, ладно?

00:20:21,670 --> 00:20:25,640

Не знаю, в каком штате ты живёшь, но заскочу туда

и попробую с тобой связаться.

00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:26,640

Надеюсь, ты в порядке.

00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,010

Привет, Рик. Это Дэвид Мискевидж.

00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:32,080

Слышал, что ты нахваливал саентологию.

00:20:32,110 --> 00:20:33,320

Если хочешь познакомиться с Траволтой...

00:20:33,340 --> 00:20:34,050

Вырубай!

00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:41,490

Ты... бросил все силы на одобрение, да?

00:20:42,620 --> 00:20:43,300

Да.

00:20:44,780 --> 00:20:46,740

Шонда сожрёт меня живьём.

00:20:46,740 --> 00:20:47,740

В пизду их.

00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:49,040

Спасибо, Рик.

00:20:51,370 --> 00:20:53,980

Не пойми меня неправильно, но...

00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,320

кажется, мне нужна терапия.

00:21:34,370 --> 00:21:36,380

Мистер Пырчик снова с нами.

00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:39,380

Что ты ответишь людям, которые говорят

"Не хочу, чтобы меня пыряли,

00:21:39,380 --> 00:21:42,710

я просто хочу попасть на съёмки.

У меня есть право не получать пером под бок".

00:21:42,710 --> 00:21:45,300

Гэри, а у меня есть право на ноги и руки.

00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:46,880

Но я родился без них.

00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:50,930

Это же не значит, что меня надо

исключить из индустрии, в которой... будем честны...

00:21:50,950 --> 00:21:54,830

вообще нет репрезентации людей

с клинками вместо рук и ног.

00:21:54,850 --> 00:21:57,350

Но тебе обязательно надо отвечать

на вопросы из зала?

00:21:57,350 --> 00:22:00,280

Люди приходят на съёмки за впечатлениями.

00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:02,150

Не хотели бы - не приходили.

00:22:02,150 --> 00:22:06,240

Твоё шоу привело к гибели

пятидесяти восьми тысяч человек.

00:22:07,610 --> 00:22:09,830

Ну, зато о нём говорят.

00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,091

can I ask if you're

currently a hologram?

00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,719

Yeah, yeah, h-hold on.

One sec.

00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:13,513

[ Grunts ] Left a bag of Funyuns

down there last week.

00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,974

Didn't want to waste our time.

Okay, let's do it.

00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:18,893

Therapy me.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:21,980

Do you need

to take that?

No.

Just the President.

00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,773

Maybe we should

turn off the phone.

00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:25,108

President of

the United States.

00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,526

Thought you might think

that was cool.

00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:28,278

You like it when people

think you're cool?

00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:31,072

You're extra analytical today.

Looking to remodel your kitchen?

00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:33,616

President: Sanchez!

I know you're in there!

00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:36,286

When I call you directly,

it's an emergency.

00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,830

I was in therapy.

Don't stigmatize mental health.

00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,081

How rude of me.

00:00:40,081 --> 00:00:41,916

Hello,

I'm President Andre Curtis.

00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:44,294

Yes, I recognize you.

Oh? How nice.

00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:47,964

It's not nice to recognize

a president. Can we go?

00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:51,176

In 1961, the CIA

secretly relocated

00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,136

the Loch Ness Monster

to Lake Erie

00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,013

and replaced her bones

with titanium.

00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:57,056

She was then bit

by several werewolves,

00:00:57,056 --> 00:00:59,392

giving us the ultimate

anti-submarine weapon.

00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:02,020

Got it.

But the Soviets smuggled

in a leprechaun,

00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,855

who turned Nessie's

bones to silver,

00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,815

giving her

the were-version of AIDS.

00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:08,318

She sank to the bottom,

and we assumed she was dead.

00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:11,780

But she was only asleep.

Now she's awake and hungry.

00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,865

You can't date my shrink.

What?!

00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:16,743

Bro, you're nuts.

Then don't date my shrink.

00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,995

I'm not

dating your shrink!

00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:20,663

She probably doesn't

even like me.

00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:22,957

Stand down, Sanchez!

Tell him to stand down!

00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:24,501

Would you let him

bang your therapist?

00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,211

I don't believe

in therapy!

00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,838

What the hell does that even

mean, you don't believe in it?

00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:30,924

He's a scientologist.

Don't date my shrink!

00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,926

And don't be

a space Mormon!

Why not?!

00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:36,429

It's silly!

Sorry, it's a cheap shot.

00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,598

Worship how you want.

00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,475

I like Tom Cruise.

Thank you.

00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,353

Therapy's working.

Keep it in your pants.

00:01:43,353 --> 00:02:15,134

{\an8}♪

00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:16,553

[ Applause]

00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:19,347

Ooh, welcome back

to Mr. Stabby!

00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:22,058

Let's get another question

from the audience!

00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,393

Audience member: Ow! Augh!

00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,687

Why do people get tickets

to his tapings?

00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,564

{\an8}It's a fame-obsessed

culture.

00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,566

{\an8}[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Mr. President.

00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,943

{\an8}President: I've got

an emergency, Rick.

Another President mission?

00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:34,028

{\an8}Y-You just killed the

Loch Ness Monster for him.

00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,321

{\an8}Tell that little bitch

to zip it.

00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:36,698

{\an8}You can't talk to me

like that!

00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,116

{\an8}T-Tell him he can't

talk to me like that!

00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,617

{\an8}You can't talk to Morty

like that.

00:02:39,617 --> 00:02:41,494

{\an8}Whatever.

I'll portal over.

00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:44,998

{\an8}I've seen this one anyway.

The audience dies.

00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:48,501

{\an8}Rick, thanks for coming.

00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,670

{\an8}We've got a situation

in the state of Virginia.

00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,130

{\an8}Bigfoot?

That's Montana.

00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,465

{\an8}Nazis?

That's, uh... everywhere.

00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:56,217

{\an8}That's an exaggeration, sir.

00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:58,303

{\an8}[ Sighs ]

Jesus, Carl, you, too?

00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:01,264

{\an8}The problem in Virginia is... love.

00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,808

{\an8}You've heard the state motto,

"Virginia is for Lovers"?

00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:06,185

{\an8}Well, now they've

codified it into law.

00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:07,645

{\an8}Virginia

has declared itself

00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,148

{\an8}literally and exclusively

for lovers.

00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,108

{\an8}Sounds boring.

It gets worse.

00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:15,945

{\an8}There's no crime, no poverty,

and suspiciously, no complaints.

00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:19,115

{\an8}The governor just hit

100% approval rating.

00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:21,200

{\an8}And that's worse?

100%?

00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,577

{\an8}Get on the web, Dwayne.

00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,621

{\an8}There's no such thing

as 100% of anything.

00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:28,207

{\an8}America knows and incinerates

a cult when it sees one.

00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:30,126

{\an8}But I can't do that

to all of Virginia,

00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:31,711

{\an8}so we need to infiltrate.

00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,630

{\an8}I volunteer to do acid

to prove I'm not a cop.

00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,132

{\an8}No lone wolves. We need

a crack team for this one.

00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:38,134

{\an8}Rick, meet Fleeflak.

00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,886

{\an8}He might be able

to tell the future.

00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,554

{\an8}Rick: Might?

We're waiting to find out.

00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,306

{\an8}Onyx here is

a weapons specialist,

00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,683

{\an8}and our eye in the sky

is my chief of staff bot,

00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:46,935

{\an8}Chi-Chi.

Sleek.

00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,645

{\an8}Yes,

an excellent team.

00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,647

{\an8}Eh, but there's

something missing...

00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,650

{\an8}a psychology expert, perhaps.

Oh, fuck me.

00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,109

{\an8}You pretended to need

a crack team

00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:56,402

{\an8}so you could get

Wong's number?

00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,655

{\an8}Get her number?

I own the CIA.

00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,657

{\an8}If I wanted,

I could get her genome.

00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:03,326

{\an8}So you wanted what from me,

permission? You got it.

00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,370

{\an8}It's a free country,

so you're always saying.

00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,163

{\an8}That's certainly all

I'd be willing to pay.

00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,332

{\an8}You're making me choose?

You or her?

00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,000

There's three billion women

on this planet

00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,044

that have nothing

to do with me.

00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,129

Can you blame them?

You suck.

00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:17,340

Wait! Danger!

00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,592

Wow, that's great, buddy.

00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:23,054

It's goin' right

on the fridge.

00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:25,974

{\an8}♪

00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,476

I appreciate your lending

your expertise to this mission,

00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:29,686

Dr. Wong.

00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,229

Gun?

No, thank you.

00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:34,190

I was surprised to receive

your call but excited.

00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:36,359

I haven't done field work

since grad school.

00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:37,860

We think the people

of Virginia

00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:40,363

have become some kind

of hippy sex cult.

00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,865

I haven't done that

since grad school, either.

00:04:42,865 --> 00:04:46,202

Ho-ho! Dr. Wong,

you are a firecracker!

00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,121

Sir, we've reached

the border.

00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,455

Halt!

00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:52,333

I'm so sorry,

Mr. President,

00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,335

Virginia is closed

to visitors.

00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:56,629

I thought it was for lovers.

I'm a lover.

00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,381

You guys lovers?

Mm-hmm.

00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,757

I appreciate that,

00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,092

but the rest

of your country

00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,177

doesn't need Virginia's love

right now.

00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:05,888

You know, the last time

a state talked that way,

00:05:05,888 --> 00:05:07,807

we had to have

a whole thing.

00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,058

And?

00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:12,186

And this time, the other side

has nukes.

00:05:12,186 --> 00:05:14,605

[ Sighs ] Let them in.

00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:17,191

Well done, Doctor.

00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,401

Call me Helen.

00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,987

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,531

[ Cellphone stops ]

00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:28,327

As you can see, Virginia

has no crime, no poverty.

00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:29,787

All goods

are freely given.

00:05:29,787 --> 00:05:30,997

Communist bastards.

00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,707

And all goods

are freely made.

00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:34,375

Communist bastards!

00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,169

So, what happened?

Tell me the secret.

00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,629

Well, if I tell you,

you'll tell everyone.

00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:41,299

But if I show you,

you won't have to.

00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:43,092

How unsettling

and cryptic.

00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:44,552

[ Roars ]

00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:46,429

Oh!

00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:49,057

My God!

So that's it?

00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,434

You're all just drunk!

00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:54,062

Sir! It's some kind of

body-snatching hive-mind!

00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,105

Finally your religion

comes in handy!

00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:59,859

No! My only chance

at meeting Will Smith!

00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:04,572

{\an8}♪

00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:06,240

Pick up your phone,

asshole!

00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,618

When I call,

it's an actual emergency!

00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:11,079

Rick?

00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,497

Unity.

00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,540

Take it easy,

take it easy.

00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,293

I can explain. Just let me

get things under control.

00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,462

You controlling things

is the explanation.

00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,839

And we agreed you wouldn't do it

where I work.

00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,426

What the fuck are you

spraying me with?

00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,428

A new scent I picked up

after you left.

00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:29,013

I call it "Separation."

00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:31,307

You concocted

a me repellent?

00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:34,560

Does that look like

a bad idea?

00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,356

Rick, are you in a relationship

with the population of Virginia?

00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:39,899

We dated.

00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,694

All: I just want to talk.

00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:46,114

I'm pretty sure you have

trillions of cellphones.

00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,199

No, come back!

Let's talk!

00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:52,161

{\an8}♪

00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,955

Thank God you had

a crack team with you.

00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:55,665

Where's Helen?

"Helen"?

00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:58,042

She initiated first name.

00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:59,961

Whoa!

Call in a chopper!

00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,420

I'm being

cock blocked!

00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,256

Rick...

00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,549

it's me.

00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,342

I was released

from Unity.

00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,302

Cool. So you won't mind

if I spray this.

00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,429

I won't,

but we're surrounded

00:07:10,429 --> 00:07:12,557

and Unity knows

your reload time.

00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,476

I really believe you and Unity

should talk.

00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,937

How would you know?

You're just a nutritionist.

00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,690

When you work in nutritionism

as long as I have,

00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,359

you get a certain feel.

00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,280

All: Calm down.

00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,907

We came because

we're worried about you.

00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:32,201

Why?

We hear things, Rick.

00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:36,956

I tried calling, but is it true

you're looking for... him again?

00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,042

You almost died last time.

That's none

of your business.

00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,545

All: You're our business.

You quit that business!

00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,046

And you're fired

from that business!

00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:46,215

And I'm using your last paycheck

to cover the stapler

00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:48,885

you stole

which was my heart!

00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,554

Civil War, baby!

00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,222

[ People screaming ]

00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:55,725

Sorry! That was supposed

to be suppressive!

00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,729

Aah! Aah!

Rick, wait!

00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,731

Aah!

00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,900

Thank you, Andre.

Thank you, Helen.

00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,277

It's time to put

these bastards on ice.

00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:08,070

Cue up the dome!

00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:09,739

Yes, sir!

00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:23,336

{\an8}♪

00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,587

Ow!

00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:30,927

{\an8}♪

00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,638

Do you have a dome

the size of every state?

00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:37,225

[ Chuckles ] You'll need

a second date for that answer.

00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,810

Barf.

00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:43,731

{\an8}News Anchor:

A nation in turmoil tonight

as the entire state of Virginia

00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:46,275

{\an8}continues to be trapped

inside an energy dome.

00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:47,693

{\an8}The White House released

a statement dismissing

00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:51,447

{\an8}the President's shouts of

"Civil War, baby," as hyperbole.

00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:53,074

{\an8}Shonda,

what do we make of that?

00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,825

{\an8}More like Hyper Bully, Tom.

00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,661

{\an8}Oh, shit.

Shonda came to play.

00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,079

{\an8}This President has been

in office

00:08:58,079 --> 00:08:59,956

{\an8}for how many

alien invasions?

00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,624

Not to mention

the mutant turkeys,

00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,626

the abandoned White House

orbiting our planet,

00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,294

the eco-conscious

dinosaurs.

00:09:05,294 --> 00:09:07,380

Then he sees Virginia

with its perfect economy

00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,923

and synchronized

lawn mowing,

00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,467

so he shoots them

and puts them in a dome?

00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:14,095

Classic Curtis.

Will someone mute

the goddamn news?

00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,639

If I want a list of my failures,

I'd dig up my mother.

00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:19,225

I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry,

that's a turnoff, right?

00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,560

Guy screaming about his mother

in a war room?

00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,604

Sanchez!

America hates your dome!

00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:25,898

How long is it

going to be up?

Hope you marked that.

00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,900

It was his dome in the chopper,

now it's mine.

00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,611

It will contain that part

of Unity until I shut it down,

00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:33,572

because one of us here

knows how to set boundaries.

00:09:33,572 --> 00:09:36,993

Rick, I agree that my accepting

this mission was inappropriate.

00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,577

When I was invited,

I didn't know--

00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:40,204

That he was

hitting on you?

00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:42,832

I was aware of potential

romantic motivations.

00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,792

And I was open to them.

Bam.

00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:47,378

But I did not know you and I

would be crossing paths.

00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,921

You mean

you didn't care

00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:50,673

because, on one hand,

you got professional ethics

00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:52,675

and, in the other hand,

you got world-famous schlong.

00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,635

Now I get to beat you.

Bring it.

00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,345

Alien vessel

approaching Earth!

00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:57,847

It's hailing us!

Put it through.

00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,016

I don't work for you.

You couldn't. You suck.

00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,475

I'll do it.

00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:02,768

Mr. President.

00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,603

Lady, you bring that ship

to America's planet,

00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:06,480

I'm launching

4,000 warheads,

00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,482

3,000 of which

will turn out to work.

00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:11,235

Then I'll call China,

and you're really fucked.

00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,611

Let's listen to Unity.

00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:14,363

Are you still here?

Are you?

00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:16,115

If I wanted Earth,

I would have taken it.

00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,575

Oh, bullshit.

Gimme a break.

00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,243

You cut eight million pieces

of me off.

00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:20,828

It hurt.

Boo-hoo.

00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,621

You've made it clear

we can't be friends, Rick,

00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:24,457

but I need to reconnect

those people

00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,042

so I can properly

release them.

00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,002

They're hosting

a mindless collective.

00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:31,088

If it connects to another mind,

it could become its own colony.

00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:32,715

Wow, you made

a PowerPoint?

00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,259

I needed you to understand

how serious this is.

00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,470

I can handle it.

We got the spray, bitch!

00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,138

Don't talk to them

like that.

00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:41,057

Rick, do you not trust

Unity?

00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,433

Shut up. Apologize.

00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,226

Eat me.

Do you not trust me,

Rick?

00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:46,354

Who would?!

Let Rick answer.

00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,855

Baby, I know you want to help,

but--

00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:50,274

Andre, I think

we need to move slower.

00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:51,817

Slower?

I haven't even touched you,

00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,235

and you're already

back seat war rooming.

00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:54,904

Andre.

Helen.

Rick?

00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,155

I don't trust you.

00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,990

You ghosted me

to focus on your work.

00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,784

Your work is absorbing

the universe.

00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,827

But it's my universe.

Please go.

00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:04,246

We'll spray the Virginians

before they touch anyone.

00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,790

I'm sorry

you lost a finger,

00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:07,917

but that's the price

of surprise butt play.

00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,419

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:12,046

Alien vessel is departing.

00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,465

Good job, people.

I'll run the aerosol cannon

00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:16,258

from the chopper.

We need the optics.

00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,885

Send out a press release.

00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:20,388

"President sprays Virginia

with the opposite of bullets."

00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,764

Write it better than that.

00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,808

You riding shotgun,

or you staying butt hurt?

00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,352

Suck my dick

and lose my number. You too.

00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:29,855

If you invite me to the wedding,

I will shit in the punch.

00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:33,818

He'll be back.

What would you like for dinner?

00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,028

I'm not interested

in taking this further.

00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,155

What? Why?

That's insane.

00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,241

How can you be a therapist

and insane?

00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:43,285

Since you're asking

for feedback, my sincere advice

00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:45,996

is that you overcome

your need for approval.

00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,915

Okay, you want to play it

that way?

00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,459

There's an exit tunnel

by the ladies' room.

00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:54,130

It gets lots of use!

And not just by sex workers!

00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:57,633

Can you at least tell security

I did the dumping?

00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,513

Uh...

you okay?

00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:03,722

Yes.

00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,808

The news said Virginia

was a hive-mind.

00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,643

Yes.

Was it--

00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:09,645

Yes!

Oh, my God,

dude, whatever.

00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:11,981

When's the last time

you saw your therapist?

Today!

00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,691

Well, then she sucks!

No shit!

00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,818

Stop yelling at me!

I need boundaries!

00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,320

Well, here's a big one,

fuck face!

00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,448

[ Door slams ]

00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:21,991

Sorry.

00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:26,495

{\an8}♪

00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:28,330

Arriving at the dome, sir.

00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,957

Good!

I don't need anybody!

00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,876

What?

What? I said good!

00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,544

Tell me when we're there!

We are!

00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:36,505

Roger that! Just gonna see

how we're looking!

00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:38,716

And there's Helicopter One

with the aforementioned gas,

00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:41,135

and you can actually see

President Curtis inside,

00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,929

checking his phone to see if

this will make people like him.

00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:46,557

There he is frowning now,

of course, as he realizes

00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:49,518

no amount of spectacle is going

to undo his last debacle.

00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:52,438

Shonda?

Ohh, not Shonda.

She hates me.

00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,190

It's true, Tom.

I mean, yes,

00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,150

President Curtis is going

to release Virginia

00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,319

from yet another

alien threat,

00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,362

but when they are free

to speak their minds,

00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:01,822

does he really think

they're going to say,

00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:03,199

"Wow, what a President"?

00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,533

Deactivating dome, sir!

00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,035

The fact is, nothing short

of literally

00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:08,078

a 100% percent

approval rating

00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:10,873

is gonna save Curtis

in the next election.

00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:13,709

Let her rip, sir!

00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:18,172

100% approval.

00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:20,799

Whoopsie! I-

I-I'll be right back!

Sir?

00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:22,259

I just gotta get

the thing.

00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,762

Wha? Huh?

How is that going to work?

00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:31,018

Give it to me.

Give me that hive!

00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:36,315

Mother forgive me.

Just forgive me. I need it.

00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,900

[ Swallows ]

00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,529

[ All gasp ]

00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,656

Holy...

00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,825

All: Shit!

00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,579

{\an8}Loved ones are gathered here

to reunite with the captives,

00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,623

{\an8}who appear to walking,

quite eagerly,

00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,875

{\an8}and now running,

in perfect unison, toward them.

00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,919

{\an8}Such a beautiful scene--

everyone kissing.

00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,922

{\an8}And now everyone that got kisses

is kissing everyone else.

00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,049

{\an8}Heartfelt,

almost disgusting kisses.

00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:04,593

{\an8}The wave of affection

is headed in all directions.

00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:07,179

{\an8}Hello, sir.

The President has saved us.

00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:08,806

{\an8}He's the best president.

00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:10,724

The best man, really, ever.

His mother was wrong.

00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:13,519

Uh-oh. Did somebody close

the lady tunnel?

00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:16,063

[ Screeching ]

00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:17,606

[ People screaming ]

00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:20,943

Hey, Rick,

w-w-was Unity--

00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,903

She's gone,

and I don't care!

00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:25,656

I think she's back.

Hmm?

00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,992

Someone order

cranky dick?

00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,618

I said I was sorry.

No, you didn't.

00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,245

I said it quietly.

Shut up.

00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:33,414

{\an8}Now, Governor, can you explain

why all of Virginia ran

00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,958

{\an8}in all directions and puked

on everyone in the country?

00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:39,461

{\an8}It's simple, News Man. They

puke in love of the president.

00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:42,131

{\an8}We approve of the president.

Everyone does.

00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,508

{\an8}[ Chuckles ] Sorry, Governor,

but you're making me

00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:46,218

{\an8}bring Shonda into this.

Thanks, Tom.

00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:48,637

{\an8}Governor, I can assure you

that no matter

00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,472

{\an8}how you personally

may feel--

00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:54,977

{\an8}Good president.

President good, good, good.

00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:58,397

{\an8}Are you okay? Uh, Josh

just vomited into your mou--

00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,941

{\an8}Oh! Ha!

I get it now!

00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,359

{\an8}Wow! What a president!

00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:04,445

{\an8}Approval here!

President approved!

00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,405

{\an8}I thought Unity promised

to never do this.

00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:08,824

That's not Unity. You kids

stay inside and lock up.

00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:10,200

Dad's still out shopping.

00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,328

Then stay inside,

lock up, and plug your ears.

00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:15,664

Where are you going?

Therapy.

00:15:15,664 --> 00:15:17,583

Thank God.

00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:20,502

[ People screaming,

glass shatters ]

00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:24,673

{\an8}♪

00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:25,924

Huh?

00:15:25,924 --> 00:15:27,259

Aah!

00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,304

[ Screams ]

00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:31,722

Aah!

00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:36,060

You're rehired.

00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,145

Is-- Is that Unity?

It's your boyfriend.

00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:40,147

He must have linked

with the severed hive-mind.

00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:41,482

He's going to assimilate

the Earth

00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,900

faster than

I can fight it.

00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,193

And you want me

to talk to him?

00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,444

There's no talking

to him.

00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,029

No human mind can

keep itself together

00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:48,656

while controlling

millions of people.

00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,699

So where are we going?

I need Unity's help.

00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,202

So you need to convince her

I'm worth it.

00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:55,496

You aren't.

So lie.

00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:57,665

[ Alarm blaring ]

00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,541

Ship AI:

Inbound vessel detected.

00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,960

Tell him to turn around.

Tell me in person.

00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,962

I'm already here.

Goddamn it!

But your ship was just--

00:16:03,962 --> 00:16:05,881

You have your gimmicks,

I have mine.

00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:07,883

This is my therapist.

She can vouch for me.

00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:09,677

We met.

She was me for a second.

00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:12,304

What do you want, Rick?

Look, it's clear

you weren't lying

00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,972

when you said

you could've taken over Earth

00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:15,974

because your finger

just took over America.

00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:17,393

I need you to help me

fix that.

00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,520

Oh, it took that

to make you believe me?

00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:20,896

Why should I believe you?

00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:23,190

You show up unannounced

and hijack a state.

00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:25,901

I called you!

Multiple times!

00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:27,403

You ghosted me!

00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,737

Rick, is that true?

00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:30,698

She dumped me.

Why would I answer her calls?

00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,658

Alright, I'm going to commit

a cardinal sin

00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:36,161

in couple's therapy here,

but, Rick, I think you're wrong.

00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:37,913

Bringing you

was a mistake.

00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:40,708

You had an outer-space lady

who was worried for your life,

00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:44,336

and your response was hostile

enough to cause a huge problem.

00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,754

Thank you.

00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,298

Now you're asking her to both

forgive you and solve it?

00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:50,884

Unity, I think the reason

Rick brought me here

00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:54,263

is that he doesn't know how to

indicate to you he's changed,

00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,974

because he's changing

very slowly.

00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,226

But he is.

00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:01,228

Alright, anyone else

wanna call me a baby?

00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:04,815

Maybe we can drag this out until

Earth is fully assimilated?

00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:08,527

Alright. So you're asking

for an invasion?

00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:22,082

{\an8}♪

00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,710

[ Creatures screeching ]

00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:45,105

{\an8}♪

00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:47,649

Hold 'em back!

They love me, they just forgot!

00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:50,360

All: They just forgot!

They just forgot!

00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,489

{\an8}♪

00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,824

No! Stop!

You love me!

00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:59,453

W-Why are you stopping?

I've won you over?

00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,416

Oh, good!

You're here!

00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,502

Unity,

kept them warm for you.

00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,212

They went a little crazy,

but, uh...

00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:10,672

Anyway, seems like

this is all over.

00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:12,424

Helen, we could grab

some coffee.

00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,968

Wait, Unity,

what are you doing?

00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,679

Alright, Rick,

that's everyone.

00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,181

Nice job, Une.

00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,100

Well, this has been

quite a session.

00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:24,353

Hope you do

group discounts.

00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,939

Actually, just send the bill

to the White House.

00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,108

I wouldn't be doing this

for anyone else, Rick.

00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:32,194

Yeah, it was nice

to team up again.

00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:34,696

No, I mean

I wouldn't be doing it.

00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:37,658

I've never released hundreds

of millions of people before.

00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,661

This is gonna suck.

00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,871

[ Sighs ]

00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,958

[ Groaning ]

00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,461

{\an8}♪

00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,588

[ Groaning ]

00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:59,805

{\an8}♪

00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,723

[ Cellphones chiming ]

00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:05,144

{\an8}♪

00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,396

[ Engines turn over,

horns honking ]

00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:14,069

{\an8}♪

00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:16,864

[ Breathes deeply ]

00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,867

Here, it's over.

Nice job, Une.

00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:22,703

I'm fine.

You want a painkiller?

00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,706

I, uh, I'm on a few of them

right now.

00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,082

No, thank you.

00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:29,418

I mean, you can hang out

if you want,

00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:32,087

come see the kids,

00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:33,839

I trust you now.

00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,426

That's nice,

but I don't trust you.

00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,595

Fair enough.

00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,895

[ Sighs ]

00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:54,943

[ Can tab pops ]

00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:57,446

[ Slurps ]

00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:58,780

[ Machine beeps ]

00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,699

Unity: Hey, Rick, it's Unity.

00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,160

Uh, give me a call, okay?

00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,661

Hey, Rick. Unity.

00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,246

Look, cards on the table,

00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:08,123

I heard you were going

after that guy again.

00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,500

Just made me worried.

Give me a call.

00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,253

Look, I get it, I dumped you.

You're ignoring me.

00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:17,007

But I care about you, and I-I

just wanna know you're alright.

00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:20,761

Hey, Rick, listen, I'm just

gonna stop by Virginia, okay?

00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:22,721

I don't know what state

you live in,

00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,598

but I'll camp out there

and try to reach you.

00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,183

Hope you're okay.

00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,310

David Miscavige: Hey, Rick.

David Miscavige here.

00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,187

Heard you were saying

some really great things

00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,605

about Scientology.

00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:33,065

If you ever wanna meet

Travolta--

00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,441

End playback!

00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:41,406

You, uh, really went all in

on that approval, huh?

00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,533

Yeah.

00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,286

Shonda's gonna

eat me alive.

00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:47,704

Eh, fuck 'em.

00:20:47,704 --> 00:20:50,332

Thanks, Rick.

[ Slurps ]

00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:53,961

Don't take this the wrong way,

but. uh...

00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:57,506

I think I might

need therapy.

00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:33,792

{\an8}♪

00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:35,794

And we're back

with Mr. Stabby.

00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:38,797

What do you say to people

who say, "I don't want

to get stabbed.

00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:42,050

I want to go a show. I have

a right to not get stabbed"?

00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:44,636

Well, Gary, I have a right

to arms and legs.

00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,388

But I wasn't born

with those.

00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:48,473

And I don't think that means

I should be boxed out

00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,350

of an industry where,

let's face it,

00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:52,477

there's zero representation

of people

00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:54,229

with swords

for arms and legs.

00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:56,732

But do you have to take

questions from the audience?

00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:59,526

People come to my show because

they want the experience.

00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:01,695

If they didn't want it,

they'd stop coming.

00:22:01,695 --> 00:22:06,658

Your show has resulted in

the deaths of 58,000 attendees.

00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:10,120

Well,

you're talking about it.

00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:13,081

Man:

Did you get any of that?