Первый рикцарь при дворе короля Мортура

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Служит Солнцу, великий!

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Мортаниэль, ты посмотри

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на Солнца щедрые дары!

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Фазан готов для короля,

и слышно трели соловья!

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СОЛНЦЕ

ГРАВИТАЦИОННАЯ МАССА

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СИЕ ЕСТЬ НЕЙТРАЛЬНАЯ ЗОНА

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ПЕРВАЯ СОЛНЕЧНАЯ ВОЙНА

ЮПИТЕР ПОЛУЧАЕТ КОНТРОЛЬ НАД СКИПЕТРОМ

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ВСКОРЕ ЕГО ПЕРЕХВАТЫВАЕТ МЕРКУРИЙ

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НО ВМЕШИВАЕТСЯ ВЕНЕРА С НОВЫМ ОРУЖИЕМ

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САТУРН ПРИМЕНЯЕТ ПРОТИВ ВЕНЕРЫ СЕРНЫЙ ИПРИТ

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ПОЛИЦЕЙСКИЙ УЧАСТОК

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It’s a rare, pop-up restaurant thing

that only enters our solar system...

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Rick, you’re gonna spoil your appetite.

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That’s a weird way to say I’m gonna stop

being hungry by eating food, but whatever.

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- Three crispy, four wiggling.

- You’re probably not even hungry,

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you just don’t like lines

because they aren’t about you.

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Another weirdly aggressive way to

describe a friend respecting themselves.

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What a wonderful thing to say!

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I was merely inspired by

the wonderful thing you said!

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- Sirs? Guys? You dropped this!

- Please take it as a reward!

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- So courteous!

- How nice it will be for you to eat

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what you were willing

to stand in line for so much sooner!

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Oh no, that’s okay. I came to

stand in line and then eat.

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I wouldn’t wanna do it differently.

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Dear fellow, I choose this moment

to surrender my sword

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so that you may succeed me

as the newest Knight of the Sun.

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What? No. I didn’t even want

your sandwich. I don’t want your sword.

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Oh, believe me, son. You want it.

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I don’t understand. You’re knights?

With a K? Of the Sun with a U or, or an O?

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Your alphabet is of no concern here.

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We are sworn defenders of Helios,

the center of this system.

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Okay, so it’s Sun with a u.

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Oh, God. Morty, don’t take the sword.

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Oh, I’m shocked you’re

against something, Rick.

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- You know these guys?

- I know how they’re dressed

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and how boring this sounds.

You take that sword,

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you’re gonna get sucked into

a whole complicated, oh shit!

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Come on, take it.

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I mean, if that kid’s not gonna

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- take the sword...

- He didn’t offer it to you.

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Sorry, can I just ask some stuff,

what does a Knight of the Sun do?

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He takes the sword, for one thing.

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You know what, maybe you made a bad call.

He, he doesn’t want the sword.

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- I didn’t say that.

- Well you sure aren’t taking it!

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- Would you just take a random...

- Obviously I would, yes!

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And I did! Best decision of my life!

And you’re shitting on it!

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Excuse me? Is this just a free sword?

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- No!

- I’m taking the sword!

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- Thank you, Dawnling. What is your name?

- Morty.

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Now it is Sir Mortaniel. I made it

a little knightier. Good day.

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Wait, did he just...

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Goddammit, Morty!

You took the sword?! So boring!

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Oh like you’re not at this point?

You drunk cranky fuck!

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You guys still gonna stand in line?

Y ou’re not gonna take this food?

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The pop up pays us to stand here.

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- To drive up business.

- Knew it.

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Everyone! Sir Helios’ successor,

Sir Mortaniel!

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{\an8}Sir Mortaniel, face so bright!

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{\an8}Serves the sun with strength and might!

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{\an8}Sir mortaniel come and see

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{\an8}Just what the sun provides for thee!

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{\an8}Wow, my, my own song.

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{\an8}Now you know why Sir Helios

had to change your name

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{\an8}to something with three syllables!

Welcome, Dawnling, to the Sun!

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{\an8}So it is the Sun, like Earth’s sun?

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{\an8}He’s heard of us!

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{\an8}How come I’m not, like,

burning to a crisp?

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{\an8}You are currently protected by our powers,

but soon they will be yours!

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{\an8}Our flesh is indestructible!

Our lives are never-ending,

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{\an8}but not even in the dumb vampire way

where after a while you hate it

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{\an8}and you can’t die.

We can die whenever we want!!

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{\an8}- We just don’t have to.

- But you’re not allowed to leave, right?

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{\an8}Like, I’ll never see my family again?

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{\an8}We leave constantly!

I met you on an asteroid!

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{\an8}Oh yeah! Between us

that wasn’t a deal breaker,

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{\an8}but it’s even better that there’s options!

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{\an8}You’ll have more freedom

than you’ve ever known.

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{\an8}Our king!

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{\an8}The Sun is the center of the solar system.

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{\an8}It is the home of the solar scepter,

around which all worlds revolve.

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{\an8}The men who keep it safe are

admired by all and live as gods.

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{\an8}- Any more questions?

- Yeah, where do I sign?

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{\an8}Well that does it!

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{\an8}- Off to the parapet to make this official.

- Yeah, let’s do this!

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{\an8}Now just cut off your penises

and throw them into the sun.

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{\an8}- Okey dokey.

- I see Mortaniel wants to go first.

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{\an8}Not true. Do I just leave the sword

wherever? Is there a sword bin?

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{\an8}What are you saying,

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{\an8}- you don’t want to cut off...

- Listen guys, can we not...

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{\an8}It’s a terrific and painful

sacrifice we all make

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{\an8}for the most important and

powerful job in the universe.

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We’ve done it since the dawn of dawns.

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Yep. There it is in stained glass.

It’s official.

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And I’m not judging it.

And I’m not doing it.

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People really live here?

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This is nuts, I thought

it was a metaphor.

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We have to go!

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Boy. They’re not messing around?

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- How are you not burning?

- Oh, it’s just science,

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which, unless I’m misinterpreting,

is clearly not a priority here.

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Okay, c’mon lil Junebug,

I won’t rub your face in this one,

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I’m guessing you’re

feeling pretty stupid.

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Yes. Thank you.

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Sir Helios gave his life with that sword.

Mortaniel took it.

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He cannot leave unless

he bests me in combat.

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Okay, one sec. I’m guessing these guys

are like pseudo immortalish since they

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live on the sun, so playing by their rules

might be the fastest way out of this.

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- Just best him in combat.

- What?

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Here. This sword uses AI

to learn from an opponent’s attacks.

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- So I have to get attacked first?

- No, no, no,

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the sword has already seen Blade.

And loved it. You’ll be fine.

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- By golly! Oh crickey.

- Oh! Blimey. I say!

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- Okay, so we’re done here.

- No. We’re not done.

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I am done. You are now King of the Sun.

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- Protect the Scepter always.

- No, no, I don’t want to.

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Well how is that supposed to work?

He’s King, but he was never even a knight?

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- I mean that’s stupid.

- it’s definitely a

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- sun first.

- A king with a penis?

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Well what do you want from me?

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- All hail King Mortaniel!

- All hail King Mortaniel!

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As your King, I hereby

declare a vacation, for me,

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I’ll come visit you guys,

on like, Sun Days. Sundays.

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If I forget, just wait a week,

keep doing that, keep the crown, peace.

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Hell yeah! See? That’s from when

he’s fighting Deacon Frost!

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I don’t know. I thought it was cool.

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- Okay, so.

- So? Oh.

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So you dragged me to

a fake restaurant, yelled at me

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for not doing what you wanted,

then did something I told you not to

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and it almost cost you your

pud, but I saved your life

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and now you’re waiting for me

to make you feel like shit about it.

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That’s, yeah, you nailed it.

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Morty, I’m sorry I let

your opinion of me get this low.

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- Alright, I get it.

- There’s nothing to get,

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I’m for real. Look, I’m a drunk,

I’m a psychopath, I’m a murderer,

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but when you called me boring.

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- I shouldn’t have...

- I needed to hear it.

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And you took the stupid

sword and I was like, holy crap,

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this is who I am to this kid, he just

does the opposite of my advice now,

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I mean I, I gotta fix that,

so I’m gonna be like

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twenty two percent more agreeable

with you for like, maybe one episode,

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or one adventure.

We’ll see how it goes.

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- Is twenty two percent a lot?

- Well I’m not gonna tell you

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of our time together I’m usually mean to

you because it’ll hurt your stupid

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feelings but twenty two is substantial,

you’re gonna feel the difference.

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Okay. I mean, I appreciate it.

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You should, because you made

a real mess with these guys.

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- Oh man.

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- Sire!

- You can’t leave!

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Go away!

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My king, it is our duty to follow

you ‘til the sun sets on our watch!

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I mean, it set yesterday,

so you’re done. Bye.

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Sire, the sun never sets on the sun.

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- Can you get rid of them?

- You want me to...

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Well, you guys know he

can kill you, right?

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I think he’d find that quite difficult,

sire, but if it pleases you!

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Can’t I just tell you it

pleases me for you to go away?

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- No. Not really.

- So you’d rather die than leave me alone.

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- Yes!

- Yes!

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- A pheasant plucked for my good king,

- A pheasant plucked for my good king,

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- A merry jig, sweet songbirds sing!

- A merry jig, sweet songbirds sing!

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These guys live on our sun?

I’ve never heard of them.

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I don’t see them doing a lot

to earn interplanetary fame.

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I beg your pardon, wizard, the Knights

of the Sun protect the solar scepter.

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Around which even this world turns.

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You do mean that,

like symbolically, right?

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Oh quite literally. The Scepter is

the center of the solar system.

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All planets orbit it.

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We keep it on the sun so that Jupiter

and Saturn don’t bump into each other.

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- Oh my god.

- They don’t even know sixth grade science.

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That’s it.

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Yeah, so there you have it.

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Traditions suck ass and your most

foundational beliefs are total bullshit.

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We’re supposed to take your word for it?

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Anyone can draw circles

on a board and spout numbers.

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Yes, this sounds like a fun theory, sire,

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but it would take more than this

for us to give up...

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Okay so how do you guys

think it works again?

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- Well, the Scepter...

- Oh you mean this old thing?

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You want it? Here.

Take it back home. It’s a symbol.

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It’s your culture.

That’s not the same as reality.

00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:59,664

Does this mean we cut off our penises

for absolutely no reason?

00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:02,708

That’s the bad news.

The good news is, you’re free.

00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:06,671

- Oh that stings.

- Fuck this knights shit.

00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:10,800

A query? I just used your

computer phone to search despair.

00:09:11,175 --> 00:09:14,262

- Where can I get this heroin?

- I’m not telling you that.

00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:17,765

No matter, I’m seeing from most of your

song lyrics that I can get it anywhere.

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You guys, someone just used

critical thinking and basic physics

00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:26,482

to destroy their first entire religion.

00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:27,942

- Nice!

- Good job, Morty!

00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:30,152

- So no more sun-tourage?

- Yep. All done.

00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:32,738

Plus, Rick and I both learned

to support each other better.

00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:36,409

So that’s it, we’re done.

Feels early, but we’re done.

00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:41,080

What’s happening? Appliances are

breaking that I haven’t touched.

00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:44,959

Maybe the sun is celebrating?

00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,923

The Sons of the Moon are storming

the Walkway! Doesn’t matter.

00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:52,466

Their aggression will be kept in check

00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:55,136

by a host of interplanetary

treaties and alliances.

00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:58,222

It’s very complicated, but as long as

The Knights of the Sun stand together,

00:09:58,222 --> 00:10:01,517

the solar system will always

have complete political stability

00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:04,186

where are the Knights of the Sun,

by the way? I’m done pooping.

00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:09,608

Did the Knights of the Sun disband?

00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:13,612

While I was pooping? Sun-kward.

00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:21,120

How many planets in our

solar system have these clowns?

00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:24,040

I guess if the sun can support life,

any planet can, I mean,

00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,042

maybe we all descended

from a common ancestor?

00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,044

Haven’t you seen, like,

all of the universes?

00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:31,505

Exactly, so why would I hang out on Pluto?

That’s some Jerry-league shit.

00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:34,300

If the Sons of the Moon

can attack the sun,

00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:37,553

why should the Viscounts of Venus

continue sitting in Saturn’s shadow?

00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:41,724

How’s this for a reason:

we got all the rings and all the balls!

00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,184

- Oh fuck you!

- Really?

00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:46,520

If the Saturno Venusian detente

is no longer honored,

00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:49,607

I declare you all moons of Jupiter.

00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:52,526

Because that’s what you are to us!

A bunch of moons!

00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:55,946

Do the Knights of the Sun plan to

protect Mercury from this chaos?

00:10:56,280 --> 00:11:00,409

Because if we’re on our own,

there’s a new, very tiny sun in town.

00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:05,998

It’s all you, pal.

00:11:06,665 --> 00:11:10,920

Hello? Don’t I have, like, authority

over this Sons of the Moon meeting?

00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,172

That all depends. Who the hell are you?

00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:14,548

This guy’s the King of the Sun!

00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:16,384

- Holy shit the king of the sun.

- Wait when did this happen?

00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,636

Then tell your Knights to do their jobs!

00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:24,266

Yes, your majesty. We all know the sun’s

power lives and dies with your knights.

00:11:24,266 --> 00:11:26,644

- Who are you?

- Who am... Who...

00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:31,649

I am the Marquis of Mars!

And i declare war on all of you!

00:11:31,982 --> 00:11:33,776

War on all of you!

00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,779

Where are the Knights of the Sun

when we need them most?

00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:39,448

- Funny you should ask.

- They’re gone.

00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,493

They’ve abandoned their duties.

00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:45,496

- I see it in the bones.

- Damn, the bones nailed it.

00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:48,165

Okay, so you have space ships

and magic ladies?

00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:49,750

Look, I’m not gonna read all the books,

00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:52,920

what will it take to let this Sons

of the Moon fiasco resolve itself.

00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:57,633

Excuse me. How did you become King

of the Sun? You look like an Earthling.

00:11:57,633 --> 00:11:59,260

- Santa?

- Santa?

00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,555

What the hell is that,

I’m the Earl of Earth goddammit.

00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,265

I agree with Earth on one thing.

00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,518

Venus questions the legitimacy

of this King’s authority.

00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:10,187

- My people say I say aye! Never!

- That sun shall be ours!

00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:12,857

I’m the King!

I’ve got the scepter right here!

00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:13,816

What the fuck?

00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:17,027

Yeah yeah I know you’re freaking out

because it’s not on the sun.

00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:19,155

No, because whoever has it

00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:22,074

- rules the solar system!

- It’s up for grabs, get it!

00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:23,075

After it!

00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,620

Yes! Yes! I have the scepter.

00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:30,374

Soon Jupiter will be the center of

our solar system’s newest dark age...

00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:34,003

Fuck that, Mercury will now be

the shining beacon of...

00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,964

Time to throw it all against the wall!

00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:38,966

I think you crushed it.

00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:41,594

I mean, not just anybody

can start Solar War One.

00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,179

- Stop supporting me!

- Can do.

00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:48,476

Goodbye, blue sky

00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:53,814

Goodbye, blue sky Goodbye

00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:58,777

Goodbye

00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:05,493

Did you see the frightened ones?

00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:10,080

Did you hear the falling bombs?

00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:16,337

Did you ever wonder why we

had to run for shelter when the

00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:21,342

Promise of a brave new world

unfurled beneath a clear blue Sky?

00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:45,157

Did you see the frightened ones?

00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:49,537

Did you hear the falling bombs?

00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:55,501

The flames are all long gone,

but the pain lingers on

00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:03,092

Goodbye, blue sky

00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:08,556

Goodbye, blue sky Goodbye

00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,102

Goodbye

00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:19,024

Damn, who would have thought

giving the Amish nukes

00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:22,319

- would threaten the solar system?

- Maybe we should just jump universes.

00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:25,447

I don’t know buddy, feels like we’re kind

of more about trying out commitment now,

00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,950

ya know? Let’s put our heads together,

maybe there’s something

00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:30,452

- we haven’t tried yet.

- Oh, here’s an idea. Fuck you!

00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:31,870

- Hey!

- Rick, I can’t take it,

00:14:31,870 --> 00:14:33,497

I admit I’m wrong, I screwed up,

00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:37,585

you’re killing me here yes-anding me

to death, what is this, Vat of Acid again?

00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,712

Look man, I’m sorry I’ve been

such a dick in the past

00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,338

that you think I’m doing a thing here.

00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:43,465

I’m honestly just trying

to do better by you.

00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:45,759

- Are you a robot?

- Morty!

00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:46,594

- A clone?

- Morty!

00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,721

This family’s got enough

clones and robots in it.

00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,556

Come on, Morty, stop asking

what you’re asking

00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,266

and let’s just get back to our crisis.

00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:55,144

I’m sorry, it’s just been

a hard road with you, Rick.

00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:57,229

Morty, I get that but you

can trust me when I say

00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,772

I’m just trying to do right by you.

00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:03,902

Okay, Rick. You’re right, maybe I just

need to round up some Knights?

00:15:03,902 --> 00:15:07,531

If I disillusioned the old ones,

I’ll just have to reillusion them.

00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:08,949

It shouldn’t be that hard, right?

00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:18,792

Cousins, we need to return

to the walkway at once!

00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,296

Why are you laughing,

00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:24,882

- did I say something funny?

- Oh, Mortaniel!

00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:28,677

The only person we bend the knee to

these days is that sweet Black Betty.

00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:34,141

- Yeah man, all hail Mr. Brownstone!

- And his doctor. Feelgood that is!

00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,185

They’re talking about heroin, Morty,

they like it.

00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,020

- Obviously.

- Obviously?

00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:41,732

Apparently living on the sun has turned

our veins into triple-bonded carbon,

00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:44,109

so try this tale on for size, Mortaniel.

00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:47,446

- We can’t OD!

- C’mon, you guys are a mess.

00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,323

Well, they actually seem

kinda awesome, Morty.

00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:52,493

Lemme be your king. I admit

I wanted what you once had.

00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,995

Brotherhood, tradition,

stability, purpose.

00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:57,498

I just didn’t want to

cut my dick off for it.

00:15:57,498 --> 00:16:00,834

Yeah that’s the point. We were

quick to follow this boy before,

00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:03,504

without even forcing him to

commit to our traditions.

00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:07,508

And all he did was break our faith

and our walkway. And now,

00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:12,930

this random fucking guy is here again

to tell us what to do? No fucking way.

00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:15,432

What if I cut off my dick?

00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:19,144

But you’d be cutting it off for no reason.

00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:22,189

Yeah that’s the point of tradition,

doing things for no reason,

00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:25,275

but it’d be reason enough

doing it for you guys.

00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:29,321

Well you do that,

that would compete with heroin.

00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:31,490

Cool, cool can I maybe get maybe a minute?

00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:36,954

Buddy, what’s up? Reaching some

sad conclusions about your situation?

00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:38,956

Yes, but that walkway needs those knights,

00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:41,750

those knights need a king

and that king needs no dick!

00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:43,752

Damn, Morty, you really are stepping up.

00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:46,338

Now do you want me to help you not have to

00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:48,048

- cut your dick off though?

- Yes please!

00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,426

- Then I got you.

- You really mean it, Rick?

00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,553

Of course, buddy.

I’ll give you a fake dick.

00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,514

With three layers of failsafes,

they’ll never know the difference.

00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:59,101

Morty. We’re gonna make

your dick so fake, buddy.

00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:07,651

The signal!

00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:10,362

- Sir the Knights of the Sun are once more!

- Hold fire!

00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:13,073

If this return to the Old Ways is true,

00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:16,201

I’d be willing to return home

and put an end to the bloodshed.

00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:33,010

Sir, Shall we hold off on the

anti matter hydrogen bombing?

00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:36,680

Those crusty knights won’t do

the sun much good without their...

00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:39,433

Let’s hear them out.

00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:46,940

I, Lithdor, son of Thrifdor personally

oversee the stumping of thy King’s stem.

00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:51,862

If his stem burns true, peace will

be restored between the spheres!

00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,494

Present the shears of stumping!

00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:01,455

- Morty the brave! You got this, my king!

- Yes! Good for you!

00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,043

First thing’s first,

00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:09,963

step through this machine which checks

for nano technological hologram dicks.

00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:11,590

- What?

- War opened our eyes

00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:15,761

to the wonders of new technologies!

Please, step through my liege.

00:18:23,852 --> 00:18:27,189

Sorry, my lord, but we’re gonna need

you to step through this second machine

00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:30,192

- which checks for emergency clone dicks.

- Oh wow,

00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,986

you guys really embraced

a lot of specific new tech.

00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:35,531

- A sunspot!

- What? Where?

00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:41,578

Boy, is that a third detector

I see as well?

00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:44,665

You’ll find out after the second one,

we don’t like to reveal them

00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:46,333

until the previous detecting threshold

00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:47,751

- has been crossed.

- Right.

00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:53,632

The third detector is going

to scan for a prosthetic dick.

00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:56,260

- Oh good.

- Okay well go on through,

00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,471

and of course, by prosthetic

we mean witchcraft dick.

00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:00,848

- Shit.

- Fuck!

00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:04,476

I sense one!

The bones say he’s still packin’!

00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:10,399

Can’t get nothin’ past the

chicken bone lady. Just testing her.

00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:14,319

Stump. Thy. Stem.

00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:18,824

Morty? Morty, don’t answer out loud,

can you hear me? It’s Rick,

00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:21,243

- I’m talking to you with my mind.

- Yeah I can hear you.

00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:23,912

- You said that out loud, don’t speak.

- Sorry. Sorry.

00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:27,207

I uplinked a telepathic nano satellite

so we could hear each other’s thoughts,

00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:31,169

carefully do everything I tell you

in the exact order I tell you to do it.

00:19:31,169 --> 00:19:33,005

- Okay.

- Grab the scissors.

00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,339

Okay. Got the scissors.

00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,426

- Now run.

- Oh shit, shit!

00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:38,760

Guards, seize them!

00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:40,846

Run? You couldn’t have just said that?!

00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,472

You don’t have to use telepathy anymore,

00:19:42,472 --> 00:19:44,600

you can just ask your

rhetorical questions out loud!

00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,976

I don’t understand, Rick.

00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,936

Here’s something that’s

easy to understand buddy,

00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:50,230

I’m proud of you for trying

to solve your own shit.

00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:53,400

- I didn’t want to have to do this.

- It’s okay this time,

00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,610

we don’t

have any choice.

00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:57,404

- I love you, Rick.

- Love you too, buddy.

00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:06,330

And that’s when King Morty

and Rick were left with no choice

00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:07,956

but to leap into the sun.

00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:12,085

Such shame he felt for what he’d done

to our society, sacrificing his dick

00:20:12,085 --> 00:20:16,673

wasn’t enough, he gave his entire

body and wizard servant as well.

00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:20,135

And after a while, their sun-proof

bones floated up to the top.

00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:23,680

We even checked with a royal ladle

to ensure it was real sun,

00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,558

not just them hiding beneath

in a vat of fake sun.

00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:31,063

Such a violent death. And finally

when our grief could bear no more,

00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:34,775

we decided to abolish our

medieval act of stem stumping.

00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:38,153

And we have King Morty

the Molten to thank for that!

00:20:38,153 --> 00:20:41,281

- Morty the Molten! King Morty the Molten!

- Morty the Molten! King Morty the Molten!

00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:42,950

See, Morty? Worked like a charm!

00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:45,369

Aren’t we risking it all coming back here?

00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:48,246

Morty, we had to know, plus the

heat, it’s good for my joints.

00:20:48,246 --> 00:20:50,582

King Mortaniel? You’re alive?

00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,835

Yeah, go tell everybody. Your reward’s

gonna be cutting off your own dick.

00:20:54,711 --> 00:20:58,548

Right. Point taken. RIP and cheerio.

00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:36,378

- One crispy, one wriggling.

- Coming right up.

00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:40,173

- Three loozums.

- How ‘bout ten years? In jail.

00:21:40,674 --> 00:21:44,970

Special Agent Mongo Bongo, you’re under

arrest for illegal hot dog trafficking.

00:21:59,693 --> 00:22:01,862

Be free, my little babies.

00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:06,408

Surprised they actually made it.

00:22:06,867 --> 00:22:09,202

Kinda thought maybe some birds

would swoop down or...

00:22:10,787 --> 00:22:12,122

I jinxed it!

00:00:09,593 --> 00:00:11,887

Это всплывающее окно. Это редкость -

всплывающее окно ресторана,

00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:13,472

который входит в нашу

Солнечную систему только…

00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:15,224

Рик, ты испортишь себе аппетит.

00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:17,935

Это странный способ сказать, что я

перестану быть голодным, съев еду.

00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:18,894

Впрочем, без разницы.

00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:21,521

- Три хрустящих, четыре шевелящихся.

- Ты, наверное, даже не голоден.

00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,690

Просто не любишь реплики,

когда они не про тебя.

00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:27,152

Еще один странно агрессивный способ

описать уважающего себя друга.

00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:30,322

Какие замечательные слова!

00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:33,617

Меня реально вдохновила твоя речь.

00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,702

Господа, ребята, вы уронили.

00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,454

Пожалуйста, прими это как награду.

00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,082

- Ты такой любезный.

- Как приятно тебе будет есть то,

00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:43,043

ради чего ты собирался

выстоять длинную очередь.

00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,086

Нет, всё нормально.

00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:47,547

Я пришел, чтобы постоять в очереди,

а потом поесть. По-другому не хочу.

00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:51,969

Дорогой друг, я выбираю этот момент,

чтобы передать свой меч,

00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:55,347

так что ты будешь моим преемником,

новым Рыцарем Солнца.

00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:58,225

Что? Нет, я даже ваш сэндвич

не хотел брать,

00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,393

не то что меч.

00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,436

Поверь, сынок. Ты хочешь его.

00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,439

Не понимаю. Вы Рыцари? На букву Р?

00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:06,942

Солнца? Или Сынка?

00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,069

Твой алфавит тут ни при чём.

00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:13,657

Мы верные защитники Гелиоса,

центра этой системы.

00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:17,244

- Ясно. Значит, всё-таки Солнца.

- Боже, Морти, только меч не бери.

00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:19,746

Я в шоке - ты вдруг протестуешь, Рик.

00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:20,747

Ты их знаешь?

00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,041

Я знаю, как они одеты

и как скучно всё это звучит.

00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:26,253

Если ты возьмешь этот меч,

ты влезешь в сложнейшую…

00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:27,462

Чёрт!

00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:29,673

Давай же, бери.

00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:32,259

Если вдруг этот парень не возьмет меч…

00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:33,427

Его тебе не предлагали!

00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,137

Извините. Можно кое-что спросить?

00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,680

Что делает Рыцарь Солнца?

00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,390

Во-первых, он берёт меч.

00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:40,225

Знаешь что?

Возможно, ты не того выбрал.

00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,352

- Он не хочет брать меч.

- Я этого не говорил.

00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,729

Ты же точно его не возьмешь.

00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:46,398

- Вот вы бы выбрали случайного…

- Конечно выбрал бы. Да.

00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:49,818

Я и выбрал. Это было лучшим решением

в моей жизни. А тебе насрать на него.

00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:51,612

Простите. Это у вас ничейный меч?

00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:53,238

- Нет.

- Я беру меч.

00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:55,616

Спасибо, Доунлинг. Как тебя зовут?

00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:58,994

- Морти.

- Теперь ты сэр Мортаниэль.

00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:00,621

Так твое имя звучит по-рыцарски.

00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:01,872

Хорошего дня.

00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:04,374

- Стоп. Он только что…

- Чёрт возьми, Морти.

00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,543

Ты взял меч? Скукотища.

00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:09,713

Можно подумать, ты бы не взял,

пьяный и вечно злой ублюдок!

00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:18,305

Ребята, вы всё еще собираетесь стоять

в очереди? Вы не возьмете эту еду?

00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:21,475

Всплывающее окно платит нам за то,

что мы стоим здесь. Это для бизнеса.

00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:22,476

Я так и знал.

00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:01,223

Народ, это преемник сэра Гелиоса,

сэр Мортаниэль.

00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,850

Сэр Мортаниэль, такой сияющий лик

00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:06,561

Он служит солнцу со всей силой и мощью

00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:09,106

Сэр Мортаниэль, иди и смотри

00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,566

Что дарует тебе солнце

00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,568

Ого, песня в мою честь!

00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:15,278

Теперь понимаешь, почему сэру Гелиосу

00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,739

пришлось поменять твое имя

на другое, из четырех слогов.

00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:20,200

Добро пожаловать на солнце, Доунлинг.

00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,994

Значит, это и есть солнце?

Как то, что около Земли?

00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,038

Он слышал о нас.

00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:27,165

Почему я не сгораю дотла?

00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:31,795

Пока тебя защищают наши силы.

Но скоро они станут твоими.

00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,047

Наша плоть несокрушима.

00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,091

Наша жизнь бесконечна.

00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:38,093

Но не так,

как у тупых вампиров: впоследствии

00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,220

они начинают ненавидеть жизнь,

а умереть не могут.

00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:42,931

Мы можем умереть когда захотим.

Просто в этом нет необходимости.

00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,808

Но уехать отсюда мне нельзя, да?

00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,352

Я больше никогда не увижу свою семью?

00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:50,147

Мы всё время в разъездах.

Я встретил тебя на астероиде.

00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,691

Ах да. Между нами:

это не было бы помехой для сделки.

00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,317

Но лучше, когда есть варианты.

00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:57,404

У тебя будет больше свободы,

чем ты когда-либо имел.

00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:58,739

Наш король.

00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:01,199

Солнце является центром

Солнечной системы.

00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:04,911

Это дом солнечного скипетра,

вокруг которого вращаются все миры.

00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:08,623

Люди, которые охраняют его, вызывают

всеобщее восхищение и живут как боги.

00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:09,791

Еще вопросы есть?

00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,419

Ага. Где мне подписать?

00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:13,587

Ура!

00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:17,674

Вот теперь всё.

К парапету, сделаем всё официально!

00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,050

Да, за дело!

00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,889

А теперь просто отрежьте свои пенисы

и бросьте их на солнце.

00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:27,267

Хорошо.

00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,186

Вижу, Мортаниэль

хочет сделать это первым.

00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,606

Неправда. Я просто положу

куда-нибудь меч, ладно?

00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,357

- Тут есть ящик для мечей?

- Ты что,

00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,651

- не хочешь отрезать…

- Народ, а можно как-нибудь без этого?

00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:39,154

Это прекрасная и болезненная жертва,

которую мы все приносим

00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:41,948

во имя самой важной

и могущественной работы во вселенной.

00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:44,117

Мы делали это испокон веков.

00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:46,119

Ага. Вон, на витражах.

00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:49,998

Это официально, и я вас не осуждаю.

Но я этого делать не буду.

00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:51,458

Здесь реально живут люди?

00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,210

Бред какой-то. Я думал, это метафора.

00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,211

Нам пора.

00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,130

Да уж, серьезные ребята.

00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:58,256

Почему ты не сгорел?

00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,717

Это обычная наука,

которая, если я не ошибаюсь,

00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,427

здесь явно не в приоритете.

00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,595

Ладно. Пойдем, июньский жучок.

00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,222

Не буду тебя этим попрекать.

00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,932

Думаю, ты и так

чувствуешь себя довольно глупо.

00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,558

Да, спасибо.

00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:12,437

Сэр Гелиос погиб от этого меча.

Мортаниэль взял его.

00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:15,315

Он не может уйти,

пока не победит меня в бою.

00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,484

Ладно. Секунду.

00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,444

Полагаю, эти парни псевдобессмертны,

00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:20,445

поскольку живут на солнце.

00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:22,906

Сыграв по их правилам, мы, может,

быстрее выйдем из этой ситуации.

00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,616

- Победи его в бою, и всё.

- Что?

00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:27,786

Держи. У этого меча искусственный

интеллект, он учится на атаках врага.

00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,246

Значит, сначала на меня должны напасть?

00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,957

Нет. Меч уже посмотрел фильм

«Блэйд», и тот ему понравился.

00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:32,958

С тобой всё будет хорошо.

00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,095

Итак, мы закончили.

00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,013

Нет, мы не закончили.

00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:48,265

Это я закончил.

00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,100

Теперь ты Король Солнца.

00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:51,810

Всегда защищай скипетр.

00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:53,603

Нет! Я не хочу!

00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,109

Как такое может быть?

00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,902

Он король,

но никогда не был даже рыцарем.

00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:03,530

- Я к тому, что это глупо.

- Да уж, на солнце это явно впервые.

00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,949

- Король с пенисом?

- Что тебе от меня надо?

00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:09,035

- Слава королю Мортаниэлю!

- Слава королю Мортаниэлю!

00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:12,455

Как ваш король,

я объявляю каникулы. Для меня.

00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:16,334

Я буду приходить к вам в гости

по солнечным дням… По воскресеньям.

00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:20,547

Если забуду, ждите неделю. Продолжайте

в том же духе. Храните корону. Мир.

00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:27,137

Чёрт, да. Видел?

Это из драки с Дьяконом Фростом.

00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,140

Не знаю… Я думал, это круто.

00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,267

- Ладно. В общем…

- В общем…

00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,769

В общем, ты затащил меня

в поддельный ресторан, кричал на меня,

00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:37,355

так как я не делал то, что ты хотел,

потом сделал то, что я запретил делать.

00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:39,024

И это чуть не стоило тебе члена.

00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,817

Но я спас тебе жизнь,

и теперь ты ждешь,

00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,068

что я заставлю тебя об этом пожалеть.

00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,862

Это… Да. Прямо в точку.

00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,656

Морти, мне жаль, что я позволил тебе

настолько меня недооценивать.

00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:47,866

Хорошо, я понял.

00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:49,534

Тут нечего понимать. Я серьезно.

00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:52,078

Слушай, я пьяница.

Я психопат. Я убийца.

00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,413

Но когда ты назвал меня скучным…

00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,624

- Я не должен был.

- Мне нужно было это услышать.

00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:56,875

А потом ты взял этот дурацкий меч.

00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:59,294

И я подумал: «Чёрт возьми.

Вот кто я для этого ребенка?

00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:01,254

Он поступает вопреки моему совету?

00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:02,756

Мне нужно это исправить».

00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,675

Итак, я буду на 22% чаще

соглашаться с тобой,

00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,345

может, на один эпизод

или одно приключение.

00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,639

- Посмотрим, как пойдет.

- Двадцать два процента - это много?

00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,974

Я не собираюсь говорить тебе, какой

процент проведенного вместе времени

00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,226

я обычно груб с тобой, потому что это

ранит твои глупые чувства.

00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,770

Но 22 - это существенно.

00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:20,398

- Ты почувствуешь разницу.

- Хорошо. Благодарю.

00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,734

И правильно, потому что ты серьезно

00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,194

- вляпался с этими мужиками.

- Блин…

00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,571

- Сир, вы не можете уйти.

- Проваливайте!

00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:32,243

Король, наш долг - следовать за тобой

до заката солнца на наших часах.

00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:35,872

Так закат был вчера.

Так что с вами всё. Пока.

00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,291

Сир, на солнце

никогда не бывает заката.

00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,378

- Можешь от них избавиться?

- Ты хочешь, чтобы я…

00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,172

Вы, ребята, знаете,

что он может вас убить, верно?

00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:46,424

Думаю, сир,

ему будет весьма сложно сделать это,

00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:48,802

- но если вам угодно…

- Можно я просто скажу вам,

00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,804

что мне угодно, чтобы вы свалили?

00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:54,099

- Нет, нельзя.

- Вы скорее умрете, чем оставите меня?

00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:55,308

- Да!

- Да!

00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:57,602

Фазан ощипан для моего доброго короля

00:07:57,686 --> 00:08:00,313

Веселая музыка

Поют сладкоголосые птицы

00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:04,359

Эти ребята живут на нашем солнце?

Никогда о них не слышала.

00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,987

Незаметно, чтоб они стремились

к межпланетной славе.

00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:08,530

Прошу прощения, волшебник.

00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:11,074

Рыцари Солнца

защищают солнечный скипетр,

00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:13,493

вокруг которого вращается

даже этот мир.

00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,954

Вы имеете в виду, символически, верно?

00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,539

В буквальном смысле.

00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:19,708

Скипетр - центр Солнечной системы.

00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:21,042

Все планеты вращаются вокруг него.

00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:25,088

Мы храним его на солнце, чтобы Юпитер

и Сатурн не столкнулись друг с другом.

00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:28,800

Они даже естествознания

за шестой класс не знают.

00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,051

Вот оно!

00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:31,177

ГРАВИТАЦИОННАЯ МАССА СОЛНЦА

00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:32,846

Ага. Ну вот. Традиции - отстой,

00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,973

а ваши основополагающие убеждения -

полная ерунда.

00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:37,225

Мы должны поверить вам на слово?

00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:40,145

Кто угодно может нарисовать

на доске круги и сыпать цифрами.

00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:42,939

Да, это похоже

на весьма забавную теорию, сир.

00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,108

Чтобы убедить нас сдаться,

нужно нечто более убедительное.

00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,277

Ладно. Так как, вы говорите,

работает та штука?

00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,696

- Скипетр…

- Ты про эту старинную фигню?

00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:52,198

Тебе она нужна? На, забери домой.

00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,075

Это символ. Это ваша культура.

00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:55,952

Это не то же самое, что реальность.

00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,706

Означает ли это, что мы отрезаем себе

пенисы абсолютно без всякой причины?

00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:02,584

Это плохая новость.

Хорошая новость: вы свободны.

00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,880

- Полный отстой.

- К чёрту это рыцарство.

00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:10,884

Вопрос. Я поискал в твоем

компьютерном телефоне слово «отчаяние».

00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,094

Где взять этот «героин»?

00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,220

Этого я тебе не скажу.

00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:17,891

Неважно. Судя по словам ваших песен,

его можно взять где угодно.

00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:23,938

Народ, кое-кто только что использовал

критическое мышление и основы физики,

00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,274

чтобы уничтожить

первую религию целого народа.

00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:27,692

- Хорошо.

- Молодец, Морти.

00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:28,985

Значит, с солнечной фигней покончено?

00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:32,530

Ага. Всё. А еще мы с Риком научились

лучше поддерживать друг друга.

00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,532

В общем, вот. Всё.

00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,409

Рановато, но мы закончили.

00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:40,580

Что происходит? Ломается техника,

к которой я даже не прикасался.

00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,751

Может, это на солнце празднуют?

00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:49,923

Сыны Луны штурмуют проход.

00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,342

Но это неважно.

Их агрессия будет сдержана

00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:55,053

множеством межпланетных

договоров и союзов.

00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:58,056

Это всё очень сложно,

но пока Рыцари Солнца вместе,

00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:01,351

Солнечная система всегда будет

полностью политически стабильна.

00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:04,813

Кстати, а где Рыцари Солнца?

Я уже покакал.

00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:08,108

Рыцари Солнца

00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:11,319

самораспустились, пока я какал?

00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,988

Вот же странно…

00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:18,326

«СТАРЫЙ СВЕТ»

НЕЙТРАЛЬНАЯ ЗОНА

00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:21,246

На скольких планетах нашей

Солнечной системы есть эти клоуны?

00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,456

Солнце поддерживает жизнь.

Они могут быть на любых планетах.

00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,917

Я имею в виду, что, может,

мы все произошли от общего предка.

00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,044

Разве ты не видел все вселенные?

00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,879

Именно. На фига мне тогда

торчать на Плутоне?

00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,422

Это какое-то дерьмо в стиле Джерри.

00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:34,175

Если Сыны Луны могут напасть на солнце,

00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:37,470

то почему виконты Венеры

должны оставаться в тени Сатурна?

00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:38,805

На каком основании?

00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:41,599

У нас все кольца и все мячи.

00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:42,892

- Да пошел ты!

- Правда?

00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,604

Если перемирие между Сатурном

и Венерой больше не соблюдается,

00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:51,234

я объявляю вас всех лунами Юпитера,

потому что для нас вы такие и есть, -

00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,360

куча лун!

00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:55,947

Рыцари Солнца планируют

защитить Меркурий от этого хаоса?

00:10:56,030 --> 00:11:00,451

Потому что, если мы будем одни, скоро

появится новое, малюсенькое солнце.

00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:05,999

Это всё ты, приятель.

00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:10,795

Привет. Разве у меня нет власти

над этим собранием Сынов Луны?

00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:12,881

Это как посмотреть.

Ты кто такой вообще?

00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:14,549

Этот парень - Король Солнца.

00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:18,720

Так прикажи своим рыцарям

выполнять их обязанности.

00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:20,388

Да, Ваше Величество.

00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:23,975

Мы все знаем, что сила солнца живет

и умирает вместе с вашими рыцарями.

00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:26,603

- Ты кто?

- Кто…

00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:31,649

Я маркиз Марс,

и я объявляю всем вам войну!

00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,693

Войну всем вам!

00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,654

Где Рыцари Солнца,

когда они нужны нам больше всего?

00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:37,947

Забавно, что вы спрашиваете.

00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,616

Они ушли!

00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:42,368

Отказались от своих обязанностей.

00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:45,455

- Я вижу это в костях.

- Блин. Кости угадали.

00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,957

Так, значит, у вас есть

космические корабли и волшебницы?

00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,626

Слушайте, я не собираюсь

читать все книги подряд.

00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,879

Что нужно сделать, чтобы фиаско

Сынов Луны разрешилось само собой?

00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:53,838

Извините.

00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,965

Как вы стали Королем Солнца?

00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,634

Вы похожи на землянина.

00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,428

- Санта?

- «Санта»? Что это еще за фигня?

00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:02,388

Я граф Земли, чёрт возьми!

00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,390

Я согласна с Землей в одном:

00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:07,602

Венера ставит под сомнение

легитимность власти этого короля.

00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,105

Я король!

00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,441

- У меня скипетр прямо здесь.

- Какого хрена?

00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:16,611

Да, знаю, вы психуете,

потому что он не на солнце.

00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:20,406

Нет, потому что тот, у кого он есть,

правит Солнечной системой!

00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,909

- Хватайте его! Держите!

- За ним!

00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,537

Да, скипетр у меня.

00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:30,416

Вскоре Юпитер станет центром новейшей

темной эры нашей Солнечной системы…

00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:34,170

К чёрту это. Теперь Меркурий

будет сияющим маяком…

00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,965

Пора бросить его об стену!

00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:41,344

Похоже, ты зажег. Не каждому дано

начать Первую cолнечную войну.

00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,471

- Перестань меня поддерживать.

- Можно.

00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:56,234

ПЕРВАЯ СОЛНЕЧНАЯ ВОЙНА: ЮПИТЕР БЕРЁТ

СКИПЕТР ПОД ГРАВИТАЦИОННЫЙ КОНТРОЛЬ

00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,913

МЕРКУРИЙ БЫСТРО ПЕРЕХВАТЫВАЕТ СКИПЕТР

00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:21,509

ВЕНЕРА НАНОСИТ УДАР

С ПОМОЩЬЮ НОВЫХ ТЕХНОЛОГИЙ

00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:27,765

САТУРН ПРИМЕНЯЕТ СЕРНЫЙ ГОРЧИЧНЫЙ ГАЗ

ПРОТИВ ВЕНЕРЫ

00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,900

Чёрт. Кто бы мог подумать,

что данное амишам ядерное оружие

00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,485

будет угрожать всей Солнечной системе?

00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,153

Может, попрыгать по вселенным?

00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:23,404

Не знаю, приятель. Такое чувство,

00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,823

что сейчас мы проверяем

свои обязательства.

00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,743

Давай подумаем вместе. Может,

есть что-то, чего мы еще не пробовали?

00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,703

- У меня идея. Да пошел ты!

- Эй!

00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:34,165

Рик, это невыносимо. Я признаю, что

ошибся. Я облажался. Ты меня убиваешь

00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:35,333

своими «да, и».

00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:37,585

Что это, опять «Чан с кислотой»?

00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,670

Прости меня за то,

что я был такой тварью,

00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,172

что ты думаешь,

будто я занят чем-то важным.

00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:43,883

Я честно просто пытаюсь

делать как лучше для тебя.

00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,134

Ты робот?

00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,177

- Морти!

- Клон?

00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,638

Морти, в этой семье хватает

клонов и роботов.

00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,390

Брось, Морти.

Перестань задавать такие вопросы,

00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:51,974

давай лучше займемся нашим кризисом.

00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,894

Извини. Просто я

столько с тобой пережил, Рик…

00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:57,063

Морти, я понимаю. Но ты можешь

мне доверять, когда я говорю,

00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:58,815

что стараюсь хорошо с тобой обращаться.

00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,566

Хорошо, Рик, ты прав.

00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:01,651

Может быть…

00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,861

Может быть, мне просто

нужно собрать несколько рыцарей.

00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:07,407

Если я разочаровал старых,

нужно просто заново создать их иллюзии.

00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:09,075

Не должно быть очень сложно, верно?

00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,793

Кузены, нам нужно немедленно

вернуться к проходу.

00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:23,214

Почему вы смеетесь?

Я сказал что-то смешное?

00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:26,926

Мортаниэль, единственная, перед кем

мы преклоняем колени в эти дни, -

00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,344

это милая Черная Бетти. Наркота.

00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,139

Ага. Приветствую мистера Героина.

00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:34,183

И его врача Отличное Самочувствие.

00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,144

Они говорят о героине, Морти.

Он им понравился.

00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:37,854

- Явно.

- «Явно»?

00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,188

Видимо, жизнь на солнце

00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,816

превратила наши вены

в углерод с тройной связью.

00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:45,570

Как тебе новость, Мортаниэль?

У нас не может быть передозировки!

00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,321

Хватит. Вы уже просто в хлам.

00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:49,240

На самом деле они улётные, Морти.

00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:52,243

Позвольте мне быть вашим королем.

Признаюсь, я хотел того же, что и вы.

00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:54,871

Братства, традиций,

стабильности, целей…

00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,415

Я просто не хотел

отрезать ради этого свой член.

00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:58,666

Да, в том-то и дело.

00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,751

Мы сломя голову помчались

за этим мальчиком,

00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:03,463

даже не заставив его

соблюдать наши традиции.

00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:06,757

А он сделал только одно:

убил в нас веру и наш проход.

00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:11,471

А теперь этот случайный гребаный парень

снова здесь, указывает нам, что делать?

00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:12,972

Ни за что.

00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:15,349

А если я отрежу свой член?

00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,978

Но так ты отрежешь его

без какой-либо причины.

00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:22,315

Да, в этом и есть суть традиции -

делать что-то без причины.

00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:25,651

Достаточно того,

что я сделаю это ради вас, мужики.

00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:27,361

Если ты это сделаешь,

00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:29,155

эффект посоперничает с героином.

00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:31,449

Круто. Можно мне минутку?

00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:34,327

Приятель, что случилось?

00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,829

Пришел к печальным выводам

о своей ситуации?

00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,831

Да, но в проходе нужны эти рыцари.

00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:41,584

Этим рыцарям нужен король.

А этому королю не нужен член.

00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,961

Чёрт, Морти, ты растешь на глазах.

00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:46,923

Хочешь, я помогу тебе

не отрезать тебе член?

00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,091

- Да, пожалуйста.

- Тогда я тебя спасу.

00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:51,344

- Ты серьезно, Рик?

- Конечно, приятель.

00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,971

Я дам тебе фальшивый член

с тремя слоями предохранителей.

00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:56,140

Они ни за что не поймут разницу.

00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:59,477

Морти, мы сделаем твой член

очень фальшивым, приятель.

00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:09,445

Сигнал! Сэр, Рыцари Солнца снова здесь.

00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,907

Прекратить огонь. Если мы правда

возвращаемся в старые добрые времена,

00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:16,619

я буду готов вернуться домой

и положить конец кровопролитию.

00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:33,052

Сэр, отложить

водородную бомбардировку антивеществом?

00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:36,681

Эти грубые рыцари не принесут солнцу

ничего хорошего без своего…

00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:39,600

Давайте выслушаем их.

00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:45,064

Я, Литдор, сын Трифдора, лично прослежу

00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:47,024

за обрубанием стебля моего короля.

00:17:47,108 --> 00:17:52,029

Если его стебель сгорит,

между сферами восстановится мир.

00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,786

Предъявите секатор для корчевания!

00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:01,622

- Морти храбрый!

- Ты сможешь, мой король!

00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:07,128

Обо всём по порядку.

Пройди в эту машину -

00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,880

она проверяет

нанотехнологические голограммы членов.

00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:11,465

- Что?

- Война открыла нам глаза

00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:13,634

на чудеса новых технологий.

00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,803

Прошу, проходите, мой повелитель.

00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:26,022

Извините, милорд,

но нужно, чтобы вы прошли

00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:29,692

сквозь вторую машину, которая проверяет

наличие запасных клонов членов.

00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:33,112

Да вы, мужики,

внедрили до фига новых технологий!

00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:36,115

- Пятно на солнце!

- Что? Где?

00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:41,746

Боже, там еще и третий детектор?

00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:44,749

Узнаете после второго.

Мы не любим их показывать,

00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:47,376

пока не пройден предыдущий детектор.

00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,669

Верно.

00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:53,758

Третий детектор

просканирует члены-протезы.

00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,177

- Хорошо.

- Хорошо. Проходите дальше.

00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,930

И, конечно же, под протезом

мы подразумеваем колдовской член.

00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:00,890

- Блин.

- Чёрт.

00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:04,477

Я чувствую один.

Кости говорят, у него что-то есть!

00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,398

От дамы с куриными костями

ничего не укроется.

00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,650

Я просто ее проверял.

00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:14,612

Обруби свой стебель.

00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:17,448

Морти, не отвечай громко.

00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:20,117

Ты меня слышишь? Это Рик.

Я говорю с тобой мысленно.

00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:21,952

- Да, слышу.

- Ты сказал это вслух.

00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,704

- Не болтай.

- Извини.

00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:27,124

Я запустил телепатический наноспутник,

чтоб мы могли слышать мысли друг друга.

00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:31,003

Тщательно выполняй всё, что я говорю,

в том порядке, как я говорю.

00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:32,963

- Хорошо.

- Возьми ножницы.

00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:34,674

Хорошо. Взял.

00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:37,385

- А теперь беги!

- Чёрт!

00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:39,136

Охрана, хватайте их!

00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,846

Бежать? Ты не мог

просто взять и сказать это?

00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:42,348

Не нужно больше использовать телепатию.

00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,475

Можешь задавать

свои риторические вопросы вслух.

00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:46,018

Я не понимаю, Рик.

00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:47,895

Вот кое-что,

что легко понять, приятель.

00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:50,314

Я горжусь тобой потому, что ты

пытаешься решить собственные проблемы.

00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:51,941

Я не хотел этого делать.

00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:55,152

На этот раз всё в порядке.

У нас нет выбора.

00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,363

- Я люблю тебя, Рик.

- Я тоже люблю тебя, приятель.

00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,079

В тот момент королю Морти и Рику

00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,748

не оставалось ничего другого,

кроме как прыгнуть на солнце.

00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:10,960

Ему было очень стыдно за то,

что он сделал с нашим обществом.

00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,878

Пожертвовать членом было недостаточно.

00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:16,590

Он отдал всё свое тело

и тело волшебника тоже.

00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:20,302

И через некоторое время

их солнцезащитные кости всплыли наверх.

00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:23,597

Мы даже проверили королевским ковшом

и убедились, что это настоящее солнце,

00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:26,350

а они не прячутся

в баке с фальшивым солнцем.

00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:28,352

Какая жестокая смерть!

00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:30,938

И, наконец,

когда мы не могли больше скорбеть,

00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:34,650

мы решили отменить

наш средневековый акт обрубки стебля.

00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:38,112

А благодарить за это

мы должны короля Морти Растопленного.

00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,488

- Морти Растопленный!

- Растопленный!

00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,282

- Король Морти Растопленный!

- Морти Растопленный!

00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:43,325

Вот видишь, Морти?

Сработало как амулет.

00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,244

Разве мы не рискуем всем,

возвращаясь сюда?

00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:48,122

Морти, надо же было проверить. Плюс

жара. Она полезна для моих суставов.

00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:50,666

Король Мортаниэль, ты жив?

00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:54,462

Ага. Иди всем расскажи. Твоей наградой

будет отрезание собственного члена.

00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:56,380

Точно. Намек понят.

00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:58,716

Покойся с миром и ура.

00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:37,588

- Один хрустящий, один извивающийся.

- Сейчас. Три лузума.

00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:40,341

Как насчет десяти лет в тюрьме?

00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,176

Специальный агент Монго Бонго.

00:21:42,259 --> 00:21:45,054

Вы арестованы

за незаконную торговлю хот-догами.

00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:47,515

ПОЛИЦИЯ

00:21:47,598 --> 00:21:48,599

ПОЛИЦЕЙСКИЙ УЧАСТОК

00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:01,654

Будьте свободны, мои маленькие дети.

00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:06,617

Удивлен, что им удалось спастись.

00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:08,869

Я думал, может,

какие-нибудь птицы налетят…

00:22:10,663 --> 00:22:12,164

Я сглазил!

00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:17,336

СВЕТЛОЙ ПАМЯТИ МАЙКА МЕНДЕЛА

00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:20,256

Перевод субтитров: Татьяна Грачева

00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,390

Служить Сонцю сильно та рвучко

00:03:06,470 --> 00:03:09,020

Сер Мортаніель, прийди й загляни

00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:11,480

Що Сонце приготувало тобі

00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,430

Фазана обскубали для короля осяйного

00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:59,810

А соловейки щебечуть святково!

00:10:16,190 --> 00:10:18,200

СТАРА-ДОБРА НЕЙТРАЛЬНА ЗОНА

00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:49,050

Прощавай, синє небо

00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,310

Прощавай, синє небо

00:12:52,390 --> 00:12:53,890

Прощавай

00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:56,800

ПЕРША СОНЯЧНА ВІЙНА. ЮПІТЕР ЗАБРАВ

СКІПЕТР ПІД ГРАВІТАЦІЙНИЙ КОНТРОЛЬ

00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:06,280

Ви бачили наляканих людей?

00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:10,240

Ви чули падіння бомб?

МЕРКУРІЙ СПРИТНО ПЕРЕХОПИВ СКІПЕТР

00:13:10,330 --> 00:13:13,450

Невже вам ніколи не було цікаво

00:13:13,540 --> 00:13:16,170

Чому ми мусили ховатись

00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:19,140

Хоча нам обіцяли новий

хоробрий світ з синім небом?

00:13:19,170 --> 00:13:21,420

ВТРУТИЛАСЯ ВЕНЕРА З НОВИМИ ТЕХНОЛОГІЯМИ

00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,640

САТУРН ВИКОРИСТАВ

ПРОТИ ВЕНЕРИ ГІРЧИЧНИЙ ГАЗ

00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:45,820

Ви бачили наляканих людей?

00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:50,030

Ви чули падіння бомб?

00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:55,580

Вогонь давно вже згас

Та рани ще болять

00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:03,550

Прощавай, синє небо

00:14:03,630 --> 00:14:07,260

Прощавай, синє небо

00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:08,970

Прощавай

00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:48,700

ВІДДІЛОК ПОЛІЦІЇ

00:00:07,298 --> 00:00:08,883

Why are we waiting in line

for food?

00:00:08,883 --> 00:00:10,135

It's a pop-up.

00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:11,553

It's a rare, pop-up

restaurant thing

00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,555

that only enters

our solar system-- Rick.

00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:15,140

Morty: You're gonna

spoil your appetite.

00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,725

That's a weird way to say

I'm gonna stop being hungry

00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:18,518

by eating food,

but whatever.

00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,061

Three crispy,

uh, four wiggling.

00:00:20,061 --> 00:00:22,105

You're probably not even hungry.

You just don't like lines

00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:23,648

because they aren't

about you.

00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:25,233

Another weirdly aggressive way

to describe a friend

00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:27,402

respecting themselves.

- Eugh!

00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,279

Helios: What a wonderful thing

to say!

00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:33,074

Ha ha! I was merely inspired by

the wonderful thing you said!

00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:34,075

Sirs? Guys?

00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:35,285

You dropped this.

00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:36,911

Please,

take it as a reward.

00:00:36,911 --> 00:00:38,079

So courteous!

00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:39,789

How nice it will be for you

to eat

00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:42,584

what you were willing to stand

in line for so much sooner.

00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:43,710

Oh, no, that's okay.

00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,587

I came to stand in line

and then eat.

00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:47,255

I-I wouldn't wanna do it differently.

00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:48,423

Both: Hmm...

00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,300

Dear fellow, I choose

this moment

00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:53,219

to surrender my sword

so that you may succeed me

00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,054

as the newest

Knight of the Sun.

00:00:55,054 --> 00:00:56,181

What? No.

00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:57,891

I-I-I didn't even want

your sandwich.

00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,017

I don't want your sword.

00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,226

Oh, believe me, son.

00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:02,020

You want it.

00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:04,063

You're knights?

With a "K"?

00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:06,357

Of the Sun with a "U"

or-- or an "O"?

00:01:06,357 --> 00:01:08,651

Your alphabet

is of no concern here.

00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:11,404

We are sworn defenders

of Helios,

00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:13,323

the center

of this system.

00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:14,949

Okay,

so it's "Sun" with a "U."

00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:17,285

Rick: Oh, God.

Morty, don't take the sword.

00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:19,287

Oh, I'm shocked you're

against something, Rick.

00:01:19,287 --> 00:01:20,705

You know these guys?

00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,624

I know how they're dressed

and how boring this sounds.

00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,626

You take that sword,

you're gonna get sucked

00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,044

into a whole complicated--

00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,754

Oh, shit!

00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,297

Come on, take it.

00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:31,800

Uh...

00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,051

He didn't offer it

to you.

00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:34,761

Sorry. Can I just ask

some stuff?

00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,387

W-What does

a Knight of the Sun do?

00:01:36,387 --> 00:01:37,972

He takes the sword,

for one thing.

00:01:37,972 --> 00:01:39,724

You know what?

Maybe you made a bad call.

00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:40,975

He-- He doesn't want

the sword.

00:01:40,975 --> 00:01:42,143

I didn't say that.

00:01:42,143 --> 00:01:43,436

Well, you sure

aren't taking it.

00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:44,854

Would you just take

a random--

00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,815

Obviously I would, yes!

And I did!

00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,233

Best decision

of my life!

00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,484

And you're shitting on it!

00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,277

Excuse me?

Is this just a free sword?

00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:52,779

Knights: No!

00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,156

Thank you, Dawnling.

What is your name?

00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:56,157

Morty.

00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,660

Now it is Sir Mortaniel.

00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,620

I made it a little knightier.

00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:01,830

Good day.

00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:03,164

Wait, did he just--

00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:04,999

God damn it, Morty!

You took the sword?

00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:06,167

So boring!

00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,752

Oh, like you're not

at this point?

00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:09,587

You drunk cranky fuck!

00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:14,634

Ouch.

00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:16,094

You guys still

gonna stand in line?

00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,887

Y-You're not gonna

take this food?

00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:20,390

The pop-up pays us

to stand here.

00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,432

To drive up business.

00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:22,517

Knew it.

00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:56,092

{\an8}♪

00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:57,760

Everyone!

00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,930

Sir Helios' successor,

Sir Mortaniel!

00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:03,433

{\an8}Together: ♪ Sir Mortaniel,

face so bright ♪

00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:06,227

{\an8}♪ Serves the Sun with strength

and might ♪

00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:08,646

{\an8}♪ Sir Mortaniel, come and see ♪

00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:11,357

{\an8}♪ Just what the Sun provides

for thee ♪

00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:12,901

{\an8}Wow, my-- my own song!

00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,528

{\an8}Now you know why Sir Helios

had to change your name

00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:17,238

{\an8}to something

with three syllables.

00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:19,866

{\an8}Welcome, Dawnling,

to the Sun!

00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:22,744

{\an8}So it is the Sun,

like Earth's sun?

00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:24,579

{\an8}Ah-ha,

he's heard of us!

00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:26,706

{\an8}How come I'm not, like,

burning to a crisp?

00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:29,584

{\an8}You are currently protected

by our powers,

00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,419

{\an8}but soon they will be yours.

00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:33,588

{\an8}Our flesh is indestructible!

00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:36,799

{\an8}Our lives are never-ending,

but not even in the dumb

00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:38,843

{\an8}vampire way where after a while

you hate it

00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:39,928

{\an8}and you can't die.

00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:41,387

{\an8}We can die whenever we want.

00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,597

{\an8}We just don't have to.

00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,474

{\an8}But you're not allowed

to leave, right?

00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,976

{\an8}L-Like, I'll-- I'll--

I'll never see my family again?

00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:48,269

{\an8}We leave constantly!

00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:49,687

{\an8}I met you on an asteroid.

00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:52,231

{\an8}Oh, yeah. Between us,

that wasn't a deal breaker,

00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:53,983

{\an8}but it's even better

that there's options.

00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,111

{\an8}You'll have more freedom

than you've ever known.

00:03:57,111 --> 00:03:58,279

{\an8}Our king.

00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,782

{\an8}The Sun is the center

of the solar system.

00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,617

{\an8}It is the home

of the solar Scepter,

00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:04,369

{\an8}around which

all worlds revolve.

00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:08,456

{\an8}The men who keep it safe are

admired by all and live as gods.

00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:09,958

{\an8}Any more questions?

00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,210

{\an8}Uh, yeah, where do I sign?

00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,128

{\an8}Huzzah.

00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:15,380

{\an8}Well, that does it.

00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,298

{\an8}Off to the parapet

to make this official.

00:04:17,298 --> 00:04:18,925

{\an8}Yeah,

let's do this.

00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:23,680

{\an8}Now just cut off your penises

and throw them into the Sun.

00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,975

{\an8}Oooooooookey-dokey.

00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,060

{\an8}I see Mortaniel wants

to go first.

00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:30,144

{\an8}Uh, not true.

00:04:30,144 --> 00:04:31,854

{\an8}Do I just leave the sword

wherever?

00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,147

{\an8}I-Is there a sword bin?

00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:34,899

{\an8}What are you saying?

You don't want to cut off--

00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,359

{\an8}Listen, guys, c-can we not--

00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:38,069

{\an8}It's a terrific

and painful sacrifice

00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:39,696

{\an8}we all make

for the most important

00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,489

{\an8}and powerful job

in the universe.

00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:43,825

We've done it since

the dawn of dawns.

00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,702

Yep.

There it is in stained glass.

00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:48,329

It's official.

A-And I'm not judging it.

00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:49,789

And I'm not doing it.

00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,165

People

really live here?

00:04:51,165 --> 00:04:52,792

This is nuts.

I thought it was a metaphor.

00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,335

We have to go.

00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:56,671

Ah. Boy.

They're not messing around, huh?

00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,047

How are you not burning?

00:04:58,047 --> 00:04:59,173

Oh, it's just science,

00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:00,425

which,

unless I'm misinterpreting,

00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,010

is clearly not

a priority here.

00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,344

Okay, c'mon, lil' June bug.

00:05:03,344 --> 00:05:04,762

I-I won't rub your face

in this one.

00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:06,639

I-I'm guessing

you're feeling pretty stupid.

00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,266

Yes. Thank you.

00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,852

Sir Helios gave his life

with that sword.

00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,145

Mortaniel took it.

00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,189

He cannot leave unless

he bests me in combat.

00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:17,191

Hmm.

Okay, uh, one sec.

00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,985

I'm guessing these guys

are, like, pseudo-immortalish

00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,945

since they live on the Sun,

so playing by their rules

00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:22,363

might be the fastest way

out of this.

00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:23,823

J-Just best him

in combat.

00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:25,408

What?

00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,368

This sword uses A.I. to learn

from an opponent's attacks.

00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,911

So I have

to get attacked first?

00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,663

No, no, no, the sword

has already seen "Blade."

00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:33,291

And loved it.

You'll be fine.

00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,293

[ Knights gasp, murmuring ]

00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:38,796

- By golly!

- Ooh! Crikey!

00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,800

{\an8}♪

00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,761

Okay, so we're done here.

00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:46,721

No. We're not done.

00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:48,014

I am done.

00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,682

You are

now king of the Sun.

00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:51,350

Protect the Scepter always.

00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:53,019

No, no, no, no,

I don't want to!

00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,187

[ Gasps ]

00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,733

Well, how is

that supposed to work?

00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,526

He's king, but he was never

even a knight.

00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:01,736

I mean, that's stupid.

00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:03,404

it's definitely a...

Sun first.

00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:04,530

A king with a penis?

00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:06,157

Well, what do you want

from me?!

00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,117

Together:

All hail King Mortaniel!

00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:09,327

Uhhhhh, as your king,

00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:12,080

I hereby declare a vacation,

for me.

00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,791

I'll come visit you guys,

on, like, Sun Day...

00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:15,958

Sundays.

00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:17,418

If I forget,

just wait a week.

00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:20,254

Keep doing that,

keep the crown. Peace.

00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:25,259

Hell yeah. See?

00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:27,720

That's from when

he's fighting Deacon Frost.

00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,847

I don't know. Um,

I-I thought it was cool.

00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:31,140

Okay. So...

00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:32,433

So? Oh.

00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,102

So, you dragged me

to a fake restaurant,

00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,436

yelled at me for not

doing what you wanted,

00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:36,771

then did something

I told you not to,

00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,356

and it almost

cost you your pud,

00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:40,358

but I saved your life,

and now you're waiting for me

00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:41,692

to make you feel

like shit about it.

00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:43,361

That's--

Yeah, you nailed it.

00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:46,322

Morty, I'm sorry I let your

opinion of me get this low.

00:06:46,322 --> 00:06:47,532

All right, I get it.

00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:49,158

There's nothing to get.

I'm for real.

00:06:49,158 --> 00:06:50,993

Look, I'm a drunk,

I'm a psychopath,

00:06:50,993 --> 00:06:52,286

I'm a murderer, but...

00:06:52,286 --> 00:06:54,080

when you called me boring...

00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,706

...I needed to hear it.

00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:57,708

And you took the stupid sword,

and I was like, "Holy crap,

00:06:57,708 --> 00:06:59,127

this is who I am

to this kid?

00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,837

He just does the opposite

of my advice now.

00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,421

I mean,

I-I gotta fix that."

00:07:02,421 --> 00:07:04,340

So I'm gonna be, like, 22%

00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:05,842

more agreeable

with you for, like,

00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:07,885

maybe one episode,

or one adventure.

00:07:07,885 --> 00:07:10,263

We'll see how it goes.

00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,472

Well,

I-I'm not gonna tell you

00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:12,557

what percentage

of our time together

00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:13,891

I'm usually mean to you

00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:15,226

because it'll hurt

your stupid feelings,

00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:16,477

but 22% is substantial.

00:07:16,477 --> 00:07:17,645

You're gonna feel

the difference.

00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:21,107

Okay.

I mean, I-I appreciate it.

00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,067

You should, because you made

a real mess with these guys.

00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:24,152

Oh, man!

00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,319

- Sire.

- You can't leave.

00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:26,737

Go away!

00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,740

My king, it is

our duty to follow you

00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:31,742

till the sun sets

on our watch.

00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:35,538

I mean, it set yesterday,

so you're done. Bye.

00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:38,666

Sire, the sun never sets

on the Sun.

00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:39,834

Can you get rid of them?

00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,836

You want me to...

00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:43,671

You guys know

he can kill you, right?

00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:45,840

I think he'd find that

quite difficult, sire,

00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,341

but if it pleases you.

00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:50,428

Can't I just tell you it

pleases me for you to go away?

00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,637

No. Not really.

00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:53,639

So you'd rather die

than leave me alone?

00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:54,932

Together: Yes.

00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:57,101

♪ A pheasant plucked for

my good king ♪

00:07:57,101 --> 00:08:00,104

♪ A merry jig,

sweet songbirds sing ♪

00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:01,522

[ Laughter ]

00:08:01,522 --> 00:08:04,400

These guys live on our sun?

I've never heard of them.

00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,652

I don't see them doing a lot

to earn interplanetary fame.

00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,070

I beg your pardon, wizard.

00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:10,698

The Knights of the Sun

protect the solar Scepter...

00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:13,034

around which even

this world turns.

00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,912

Beth: You do mean that,

like, symbolically, right?

00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,246

Oh, quite literally.

00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:19,373

The Scepter is the center

of the solar system.

00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:20,708

All planets orbit it.

00:08:20,708 --> 00:08:22,210

We keep it on the Sun

so that

00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,545

Jupiter and Saturn

don't bump into each other.

00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:25,963

[ Laughter ]

00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:28,507

Omigod.

00:08:28,507 --> 00:08:29,842

That's it!

00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,427

{\an8}Yeah, so there you have it.

00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:32,678

{\an8}Traditions suck ass,

00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:33,846

{\an8}and your

most foundational beliefs

00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,097

{\an8}are total bullshit.

00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:36,724

We're supposed to take

your word for it?

00:08:36,724 --> 00:08:39,727

Anyone can draw circles

on a board and spout numbers.

00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:42,521

Yes, this sounds like

a fun theory, sire,

00:08:42,521 --> 00:08:44,607

but it would take more than this

for us to give up--

00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:46,776

Okay, so how do you guys

think it works again?

00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:49,111

Well, the Scepter--

00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,696

Together: Gaaah!

00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:51,906

Here.

Take it back home.

00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,658

It's a symbol.

It's your culture.

00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,284

That's not the same

as reality.

00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,453

Does this mean

we cut off our penises

00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:59,247

for absolutely no reason?

00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,331

That's the bad news.

00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:03,918

The good news is,

you're free.

00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:05,878

- Ooh, that stings.

- Fuck this knights shit.

00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:07,338

- [ Grunts ]

- A query?

00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:10,549

I just used your "computer

phone" to search "despair."

00:09:10,549 --> 00:09:12,760

Where can I get

this heroin?

00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,136

I'm not telling you that.

00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:16,097

No matter. I'm seeing

from most of your song lyrics

00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,682

that I can get it anywhere.

00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,141

[ Clears throat ]

00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:22,478

Um, you guys, someone just

used critical thinking

00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:25,940

and basic physics to destroy

their first entire religion.

00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,400

- Nice.

- Good job, Morty.

00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,610

So no more sun-tourage?

00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:32,113

Plus, Rick and I both learned

to support each other better.

00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,073

So that's it.

We're done.

00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,866

Feels early,

but w-we're done.

00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,285

[ Electricity crackling ]

00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:38,619

What's happening?

00:09:38,619 --> 00:09:40,705

Appliances are breaking

that I haven't touched.

00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,710

Maybe the sun is...

celebrating?

00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:49,588

Ha ha ha ha! The Sons of the

Moon are storming the walkway.

00:09:49,588 --> 00:09:52,008

Doesn't matter. Their aggression

will be kept in check

00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,552

by a host of interplanetary

treaties and alliances.

00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:56,304

It's very complicated,

but as long as The Knights

00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,347

of the Sun stand together,

the solar system

00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:00,975

will always have

complete political stability.

00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,226

Where are the Knights

of the Sun,

00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:04,562

by the way?

I'm done pooping.

00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:05,563

Hmm?

00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:08,357

Did the, uh,

Knights of the Sun...

00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:09,817

disband?

00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:11,736

While I was pooping?

00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,322

Sunnnn-kward.

00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,867

{\an8}♪

00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:20,745

How many planets in our

solar system have these clowns?

00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,955

I guess if the sun can support

life, any planet can.

00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,416

I mean, maybe we all descended

from a common ancestor.

00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,543

Haven't you seen, like,

all of the universes?

00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:29,170

Exactly. So why would

I hang out on Pluto?

00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:30,338

That's

some Jerry-league shit.

00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:31,797

[ Indistinct arguing ]

00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:33,215

Lithdor: If the Sons of

the Moon can attack the sun,

00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:34,550

why should the Viscounts

00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:37,094

of Venus continue sitting

in Saturn's shadow?

00:10:37,094 --> 00:10:38,512

How's this for a reason?

00:10:38,512 --> 00:10:41,307

We got all the rings

and all the balls.

00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,850

- Oh, fuck you.

- Really?

00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:46,062

If the Saturno Venusian détente

is no longer honored,

00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:49,190

I declare you all

moons of Jupiter.

00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:50,733

Because

that's what you are to us!

00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,026

A bunch of moons!

00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,944

Do the Knights of the Sun

plan to protect

00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:55,613

Mercury from this chaos?

00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,073

Because if we're on our own,

00:10:57,073 --> 00:11:00,117

there's a new,

very tiny sun in town.

00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:03,371

[ Fireworks exploding,

indistinct shouting ]

00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,831

[ Shouting stops ]

00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:06,957

Um, hello?

00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:08,542

Don't I have, like, authority

00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:10,503

over this

Sons of the Moon meeting?

00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,630

That all depends.

Who the hell are you?

00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:13,923

This guy's

the king of the Sun.

00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,716

- Holy shit.

- When did this happen?

00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,219

Ha! Then tell your knights

to do their jobs.

00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:22,098

Yes, Your Majesty. We all know

the Sun's power lives

00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:23,557

and dies with your knights.

00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:27,311

Who are you?

Who am-- Who--

00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:29,188

I am the Marquis of Mars!

00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,399

And I declare war

on all of you!

00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:33,192

War on all of you!

00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:36,278

Where are the Knights of the Sun

when we need them most?

00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:37,488

Funny you should ask, uh...

00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:39,865

They're gone!

00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,076

They've abandoned

their duties.

00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,744

I see it in the bones.

00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:45,371

Damn,

the bones nailed it.

00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,790

Okay, so you have space ships

and magic ladies?

00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,208

Look, I'm not gonna read

all the books.

00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:50,584

What will it take

to let this

00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,420

Sons of the Moon fiasco

resolve itself?

00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:55,631

Excuse me. How did you become

king of the Sun?

00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:57,216

You look like an Earthling.

00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:58,843

Santa?

00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,177

What the hell is that?

00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:02,138

I'm the Earl of Earth,

god damn it.

00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:03,973

I agree with Earth

on one thing--

00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,017

Venus questions the legitimacy

of this king's authority.

00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:09,520

My people say I say aye.

00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,813

I'm the king.

00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:12,481

I've got the Scepter

right here.

00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:13,858

Marquis of Mars:

What the fuck?

00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,109

Yeah, yeah, I know

you're freaking out

00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:16,402

because it's not on the sun.

00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:18,446

No, because whoever has it

00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:20,281

rules the solar system!

00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:21,615

It's up for grabs!

Get it!

00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:24,410

Earl of Earth:

After it! Ahhhh!

00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,036

Yes, yes.

I have the Scepter.

00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:28,956

Soon Jupiter will be the center

of our solar system's

00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:31,000

newest dark ages.

00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:34,211

Mercury will now be

the shining beacon of--

00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:36,714

Time to throw it

all against the wall.

00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:38,507

I think you crushed it.

00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:40,968

I mean, not just anybody

can start Solar War One.

00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:43,137

Stop supporting me.

Can do.

00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:49,059

♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪

00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:52,313

♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪

00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:53,898

{\an8}♪ Goodbye ♪

00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,194

♪ Goodbye ♪

00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:01,780

{\an8}♪

00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:06,285

♪ Did, did, did, did you see

the frightened ones? ♪

00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:10,247

♪ Did, did, did, did you hear

the falling bombs? ♪

00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:13,459

♪ Did, did, did, did you

ever wonder why ♪

00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:16,170

♪ We had to run for shelter

when the promise ♪

00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:21,425

♪ Of a brave new world unfurled

beneath a clear blue sky? ♪

00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:29,808

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:37,983

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:41,320

[ All shouting ]

00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,824

♪ Did, did, did, did you see

the frightened ones? ♪

00:13:45,824 --> 00:13:50,037

♪ Did, did, did, did you hear

the falling bombs? ♪

00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:55,584

♪ The flames are all long gone,

but the pain lingers on ♪

00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:07,263

♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪

00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:08,973

♪ Goodbye ♪

00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,350

[ Explosion ]

00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,269

♪ Goodbye ♪

00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,062

{\an8}♪

00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:16,730

[ Computer beeping ]

00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:18,566

Damn, who would have thought

giving the Amish nukes

00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,067

would threaten

the solar system?

00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:21,902

Maybe we should just

jump universes.

00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:23,612

I don't know, buddy.

Feels like we're kind of more

00:14:23,612 --> 00:14:25,906

about trying out

commitment now, ya know?

00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:27,241

Let's put our heads together.

00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:28,492

Maybe there's something

we haven't tried yet.

00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:29,994

Oh, here's an idea.

Fuck you!

00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:31,537

Hey!

Rick, I can't take it.

00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,831

I admit I'm wrong, I screwed up.

You're killing me here

00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,082

yes-and'ing me to death.

00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,209

What is this,

"Vat of Acid" again?

00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,253

Look, man, I'm sorry I've been

such a dick in the past

00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:40,838

that you think

I'm doing a thing here.

00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:43,591

I'm honestly just trying

to do better by you.

00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:44,842

Are you a robot?

00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:46,260

Morty!

A clone?

00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,262

Morty, this family's got enough

clones and robots in it.

00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:50,014

Come on, Morty, stop asking

what you're asking

00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:51,765

and let's just get back

to our crisis.

00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:54,643

I'm sorry. It's just been

a hard road with you, Rick.

00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:56,145

Morty, I get that,

but you can trust me

00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:58,439

when I say I'm just trying

to do right by you.

00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:01,233

Okay, Rick.

You're right. Maybe...

00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:03,527

maybe I just need

to round up some Knights.

00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:05,237

If I disillusioned

the old ones,

00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:06,947

I'll just have

to re-illusion them.

00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:08,824

It shouldn't be that hard, right?

00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:11,535

[ Mid-tempo music playing ]

00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:15,456

{\an8}♪

00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:18,500

Cousins, we need to return

to the walkway at once.

00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,878

[ Laughter ]

00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:23,047

Why are you laughing?

Did I say something funny?

00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,423

Oh, Mortaniel.

00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:26,634

The only person we bend

the knee to these days

00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,177

is that sweet Black Betty.

00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,804

Yeah, man, all hail

Mr. Brownstone.

00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:33,432

And his doctor.

Feelgood, that is.

00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,809

They're talking about heroin,

Morty. They like it.

00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:37,478

Obviously.

00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:39,730

Apparently living on the Sun

has turned our veins

00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:41,482

into triple-bonded carbon,

00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,984

so try this tale on for size, Mortaniel...

00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:45,319

we can't OD!

00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:46,862

C'mon, you guys

are a mess.

00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,864

Well, they actually

seem kinda awesome, Morty.

00:15:48,864 --> 00:15:50,157

Lemme be your king.

00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:51,950

I admit, I wanted what you

once had--

00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:54,495

brotherhood, tradition,

stability, purpose.

00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,039

I just... didn't want to cut

my dick off for it.

00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:58,457

Phosphorant:

Yeah, that's the point.

00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,292

We were quick to follow

this boy before,

00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:03,003

without even forcing him

to commit to our traditions.

00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:06,340

And all he did was break

our faith and our walkway.

00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:08,926

And now

this random fucking guy

00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:11,220

is here again

to tell us what to do?

00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,514

No fucking way!

00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:16,308

What if I cut off my dick?

00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,644

But you'd be cutting it off

for no reason.

00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,354

Yeah, that's the point

of tradition--

00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:21,980

doing things for no reason,

00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:25,234

but it'd be reason enough

doing it for you guys.

00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:28,737

Fairenheat: Well, you do that,

that would compete with heroin.

00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:31,699

Cool, cool. Can

I maybe get a minute?

00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:32,700

[ Crying ]

00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,034

Buddy, what's up?

00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:36,412

Reaching some sad conclusions

about your situation?

00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:38,372

Yes, but that walkway needs

those knights,

00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,250

those knights need a king,

and that king needs no dick.

00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,711

Damn, Morty, you really

are stepping up.

00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:45,379

Now do you want me

to help you

00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,714

not have to cut

your dick off, though?

00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,716

Yes, please.

Then I got you.

00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,050

Uh, you really mean it,

Rick?

00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:52,052

Of course, buddy.

I'll give you a fake dick

00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,554

with three layers

of fail-safes.

00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,055

They'll never know

the difference.

00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:56,640

[ Sobs ]

Shh, Morty.

00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,309

We're gonna make your dick

so fake, buddy.

00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:06,108

{\an8}♪

00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:09,361

The signal! Sir, the Knights

of the Sun are once more.

00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:10,529

Hold fire.

00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,406

If this return to the Old Ways

is true,

00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:16,076

I'd be willing to return home

and put an end to the bloodshed.

00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,411

[ Group cheering ]

00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:29,006

{\an8}♪

00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:32,426

Sir? Shall we hold off on the

antimatter hydrogen bombing?

00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:35,095

[ Chuckles ] Those crusty

knights won't do the Sun

00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:36,430

much good without their--

00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:37,931

Hoo!

00:17:37,931 --> 00:17:39,683

Let's hear them out.

00:17:39,683 --> 00:17:41,518

[ Crowd cheering ]

00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:44,730

I, Lithdor, son of Thrifdor,

personally oversee

00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,940

the stumping

of thy king's stem.

00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:48,942

If his stem burns true,

00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:51,278

peace will be restored

between the spheres.

00:17:51,278 --> 00:17:52,738

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,156

Yay!

00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:58,452

Present the Shears of Stumping!

00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:01,371

- Morty the Brave!

- You got this, my king!

00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:04,458

{\an8}♪

00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,752

First things first.

Step through this machine

00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,587

which checks for nanotechnological

00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,130

hologram dicks.

00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:13,342

War opened our eyes to

the wonders of new technologies.

00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,719

Please, step through,

my liege.

00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:21,308

{\an8}♪

00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:23,435

[ Machine beeps ]

Whew!

00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:24,978

Sorry, my lord,

but we're gonna need you

00:18:24,978 --> 00:18:26,772

to step through

this second machine,

00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:29,316

which checks

for emergency clone dicks.

00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:30,984

Oh, wow, you guys

really embraced

00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:33,320

a lot of specific

new tech, huh?

00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,322

Whoa, a sunspot!

What? Where?

00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:37,658

[ Crowd gasping ]

00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:41,286

Boy, is-- is that a

third detector I see, as well?

00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,205

You'll find out after

the second one.

00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:44,748

We don't like

to reveal them

00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:47,209

until the previous detecting

threshold has been crossed.

00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:49,837

Right.

00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:53,257

The third detector is going

to scan for a prosthetic dick.

00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,842

Oh. Ha ha. Good.

00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:57,177

Okay, well, go on through,

and, of course, by "prosthetic"

00:18:57,177 --> 00:18:59,513

we mean witchcraft dick.

00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,682

- Shit.

- I sense one.

00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:04,393

The bones say

he's still packin'.

00:19:05,435 --> 00:19:06,353

[ Crowd gasps ]

00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:07,563

Ha ha, can't get nothin'

00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:08,939

past the chicken bone lady.

00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:10,858

J-Just testing her.

00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:14,194

Stump. Thy. Stem.

00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:16,947

Rick: [ Thinking ] Morty?

Morty, don't answer out loud.

00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:19,658

Can you hear me? It's Rick. I'm

talking to you with my mind.

00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:20,868

Yeah, I can hear you.

00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,202

You said that out loud.

Don't speak.

00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,537

Sorry.

[ Thinking ] Sorry.

00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,289

I uplinked a telepathic

nano satellite

00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:26,707

so we could hear

each other's thoughts.

00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:28,542

Carefully do everything

I tell you

00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:30,711

in the exact order

I tell you to do it.

00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:32,713

Okay.

00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:34,965

Okay.

Got the scissors.

00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:36,216

Now... run!

00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:37,259

Oh, shit, shit!

00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:38,802

Guards, seize them!

00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:40,512

Morty: [ Thinking ] Run? You

couldn't have just said that?!

00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:42,306

You don't have to use

telepathy anymore.

00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:44,224

You can just ask your

rhetorical questions out loud.

00:19:44,224 --> 00:19:45,642

I don't understand, Rick.

00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:47,477

Here's something that's easy

to understand, buddy--

00:19:47,477 --> 00:19:50,147

I'm proud of you for trying

to solve your own shit.

00:19:50,147 --> 00:19:51,648

Ugh, I didn't want

to have to do this.

00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:54,943

It's okay this time.

We don't have any choice.

00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:56,111

I love you, Rick.

00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:58,155

Love you, too, buddy.

00:19:58,155 --> 00:19:59,907

{\an8}♪

00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:02,659

Both: Whoooooaaa!

00:20:02,659 --> 00:20:04,620

Fairenheat: And that's when

King Morty and Rick

00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,414

were left with no choice

but to leap into the Sun.

00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:10,584

Such shame he felt for what

he'd done to our society,

00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,502

sacrificing his dick

wasn't enough--

00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:16,173

He gave his entire body

and wizard servant, as well.

00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:18,550

And after a while,

their sun-proof bones

00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,010

floated up to the top.

00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,762

We even checked with

a royal ladle

00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,221

to ensure it was real sun,

00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:26,141

not just them hiding beneath

in a vat of fake sun.

00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:27,935

Such a violent death.

00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:30,479

And finally when our grief

could bear no more,

00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:34,274

we decided to abolish our

medieval act of stem stumping.

00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:36,526

And we have

King Morty the Molten

00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:37,945

to thank for that.

00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,237

Both: Morty the Molten!

00:20:39,237 --> 00:20:40,948

King Morty the Molten!

00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:42,699

See, Morty?

Worked like a charm.

00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:44,868

Aren't we risking it

all coming back here?

00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:46,578

Morty, we had to know.

Plus the heat--

00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,289

It's good for my joints.

- King Mortaniel?!

00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:50,415

You're alive?!

00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:51,708

Yeah, go tell everybody.

00:20:51,708 --> 00:20:54,252

Your reward's gonna be

cutting off your own dick.

00:20:54,252 --> 00:20:56,088

Right.

Point taken.

00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,924

R.I.P. and cheerio.

00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:01,343

Whew!

00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:32,958

{\an8}♪

00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:35,210

One crispy,

one wriggling.

00:21:35,210 --> 00:21:36,253

Coming right up.

00:21:36,253 --> 00:21:37,337

Three loozums.

00:21:37,337 --> 00:21:38,839

How 'bout ten years?

00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:39,881

In jail.

00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:41,758

Huh?

00:21:41,758 --> 00:21:44,886

You're under arrest for

illegal hot dog trafficking.

00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:46,304

[ Panting ]

00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:47,347

Oh!

00:21:47,347 --> 00:21:48,348

{\an8}♪

00:21:48,348 --> 00:21:50,517

[ Hot dogs crying ]

00:21:50,517 --> 00:21:55,856

{\an8}♪

00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:58,191

[ Hot dogs crying ]

00:21:58,191 --> 00:22:01,778

Be free, my little babies.

00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:03,697

Ahh!

00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:06,241

Huh.

Surprised they actually made it.

00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:08,702

Kinda thought maybe some birds

would swoop down--

00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:10,203

Aaahhhhh! Aah!

00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:12,664

I jinxed it. Aah!

00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:15,792

Did you get any of that?

00:22:15,792 --> 00:22:19,713

{\an8}♪