Морт Рикского периода

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СРЕДНЯЯ ШКОЛА ГАРРИ ХЕРПСОНА

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ГОСТИ ИЗ КОСМОСА? МОЖЕТ ХОТЬ В ЭТОТ РАЗ ОНИ С МИРОМ?

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ДИНОЗАВРЫ У ВЛАСТИ

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Зуницератопс,

ДЕФИЦИТ ДЕФИЦИТОВ

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Эльвизавр,

БАР И БЕСПЛАТНАЯ ЕДА

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Бэмбираптор,

ВСЕ ПРИ РАБОТЕ, ПОЛНЫЕ ХОЛОДИЛЬНИКИ

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Эректопус,

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Дракорекс,

БИРЖИ ЗАКРЫТЫ!

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Хогвартсия,

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Годжирозавр,

БЕЗРАБОТИЦА 100%

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Вулканодон,

ЖАЛОВАТЬСЯ ВООБЩЕ НЕ НА ЧТО

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Заурониопс,

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Фувиангозавр

ПОСЛЕДНИЙ В МИРЕ ЗАГОЛОВОК!

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Это всё настоящие имена динозавров.

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ВСЯКОЕ

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ВСЯКОЕ ЗАБЫТОЕ

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УДАЛИ ЭТО

ЛОКАЦИИ ТИТАНИКА

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РУКОПИСЬ ФИНАЛ

РУКОПИСЬ ФИНАЛ ФИНАЛ

РУКОПИСЬ ФИНАЛ ФИНАЛ ФИНАЛ

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КТО НЕ ПРОБУЕТ, ТОТ НЕ ЛАЖАЕТ

ДЖЕРРИ СМИТ

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БАР БОУ КЬЮ

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ИТАК, У ВАС ЗАВЕЛИСЬ ДИНОЗАВРЫ?

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Она уже была растёгнута.

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ПЛАНЕТА ТАМОРУС ЛАЙТ, РОНКОНКОМА

АЛЬФА ЦЕНТРАВРА

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РАЗУМНАЯ ФОРМА ЖИЗНИ

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ВОПРОСЫ И ОТВЕТЫ С ДИНОЗАВРАМИ

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КТО НЕ ПРОБУЕТ, ТОТ НЕ ЛАЖАЕТ

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ДАЙТЕ ШУМА

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ДИНОЗАВРЫ, ДОМОЙ!

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Эксон нефть разливает,

УТОПИИ КОНЕЦ

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Чернобыль подрывают,

СНОВА НЕТ ФРУКТОВ

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В Монтане асбест,

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Атлантический океан, диабет второго типа,

ЕСЛИ НЕ СЛОМАНО, ТО И НЕ ЧИНИТЕ!

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глубоководные взрывы,

УРОВЕНЬ ПРЕСТУПНОСТИ 1000%

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огромный мусорный остров,

СЧАСТЬЮ КОНЕЦ

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и пчёлы гибнут,

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идите нахрен, динозавры.

ПРОСПЕКТ ДИНОУБЛЮДКОВ

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МИР СИСЕК

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Гриндим по камням, делаем нолли,

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смени ногу, сделай кикфлип, помоги новичкам.

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Ты плохой динозаврик, гниющий в кратере. Так пошумим же!

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Not gone yet.

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You remember that don’t you?

It’s probably important.

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Back to you, Tabitha.

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Rick, Mom’s working and Dad’s

still sleeping, I’m gonna be late!

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Yeah, yeah. I got you, here.

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Holy shit.

Is the portal gun working again.

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Yeah pretty much.

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Sometimes that happens

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Just get the keys.

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It’s actually been nice taking a break

from the portal travel stuff.

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I’ve been racking up a lot of

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- high school adventures.

- I have a process, Morty.

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I’m fixing my portal gun and every time

you bring it up it blocks my creative flow

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and then I’m forced

to take longer on purpose

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- just to train you to not bring it up.

- Jeez. Do you know what projection is?

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- Do you?

- No. I heard Mom use it.

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Lord no! He’s here again?

Morty protocol, children!

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What’s it now? Brain Bugs? Space Worms?

Have I been The Facultied again?

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You guys don’t have to

react like this every day

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Last time the aliens made me lick

all the toilet seats!

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That’s right, made me! I see that

look on your faces.

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- What did you do, ya tiny monster?

- This isn’t me.

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{\an8}The people demand to know, do these

visitors come in peace? But first.

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{\an8}Peter’s Pizza Corner!

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{\an8}- What slice we reviewing today, Petey?

- Cheese.

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If these aliens want Earth,

they’ll have to go through Egypt.

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And they can ask mummies how that goes.

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Mummy Mia!

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- Dinosaurs are back?

- Monkeys went bald?

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Before we start, where are the

rest of us?

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{\an8}They died. Long time ago.

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{\an8}Way before us. We didn’t see nothin’.

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{\an8}But surely our ancestors must have left

some evidence behind.

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{\an8}Why is he nervous?

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{\an8}Because, you’re dinosaurs.

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{\an8}It’s weird. Thought you were dead.

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{\an8}Moving on, we, quote, "dinosaurs"

evolved here on Earth

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{\an8}until our technology was

planetarily harmonic.

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{\an8}That being the goal with technology.

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{\an8}After we achieved perfect balance

with Mother Earth,

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{\an8}our best and bravest left

to help other planets.

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{\an8}Over millions of years we’ve called many

worlds home and helped each one flourish.

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{\an8}Imagine our surprise upon returning home

to find our species extinct

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{\an8}and Earth now in the care of... you guys.

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{\an8}When we left,

you were basically squirrels.

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{\an8}Well, we’ve come a long way and

we’ve buried a lot more than nuts!

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{\an8}We’ve evolved past

non-constructive criticism

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{\an8}so let’s agree you’ve done your best.

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{\an8}You’re still alive. But surely

there was some point between

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{\an8}gun powder and

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{\an8}something called Amazon Prime that

you folks had to think,

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{\an8}are we supposed to be running a planet?

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{\an8}Wouldn’t we rather make

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{\an8}"Marvel movies?" How many Marvel

movies have you made?

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{\an8}Twenty-nine and fourteen more on the way.

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{\an8}See you love doing that. And we love

helping new life forms get their footing.

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{\an8}So now that we’re back,

we can respectfully take it from here.

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{\an8}Now hold on. If you’ve seen Endgame,

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{\an8}you know invasion is not something

Earth takes lying down.

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{\an8}This is not an invasion, besides

wouldn’t you like to lie down?

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{\an8}You must be exhausted.

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{\an8}Put your feet up, get more tattoos, finish

rounding out this "Ant Man" character.

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{\an8}Think of it like your Earth concept

of "vacation", except permanent.

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{\an8}I think I speak for all world leaders

when I say that the poor people

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{\an8}would just murder us if we

made you leave, so...

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{\an8}Welcome home. Dinosaurs.

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{\an8}I could use a vacation!

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{\an8}- Should we nuke them?

- I’m on vacation, Curtis.

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Well, you leaned into this fast.

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Zuniceratops.

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Elvisaurus.

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Bambiraptor.

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Erectopus.

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Dracorex.

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Hogwartsia.

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Gojirasaurus.

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Vulcanodon.

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Sauroniops.

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Phuwiangosaurus.

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Those are real dinosaur names.

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I can’t even pretend

to feel useful in a game!

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This is how humanity’s story ends?

00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,582

Relieved of duty

and sat at the kid’s table?

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I gotta respect these dinosaurs,

they dominated a whole species

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just by calling its bluff about

wanting more free time.

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They didn’t even dominate us

because we’re not worth a fight to them.

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We’ve become biological

Tyler Perry movies.

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- All they’ve done is help.

- We didn’t need their help!

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We were not the problem!

This house recycles.

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They sort it at the trash facility!

00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:54,395

WTF! My dance videos

are getting like zero likes now.

00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,814

The Dinos kicked pedophiles off TikTok.

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Great, so now I’m broke?

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- You don’t need money anymore.

- So what’s this for now? Phone calls?

00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:04,697

- C’mon, Dad, you don’t hate this too?

- Why would I?

00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,282

I was already doing what I wanted.

00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:09,452

I do think it’s kind of funny

that you’re all basically Jerry now.

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Fuck.

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- Jerry, how do you do it.

- Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?

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How do you do it, Dad?

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- How do you do it?

- How do you do it?

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It’s finally happened.

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Alright.

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Does anyone know how to

mail things to publishers?

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President only pages me

if it’s an emergency or he needs molly.

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I’m sure glad you stayed open, Beau.

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Wish we could pay, but,

no more capitalism.

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I never make ribs for the money,

Mister President.

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Here ya go.

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That’s not why I called!

Drugs can’t solve this problem.

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I can’t live like this anymore.

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At first it was fun spending all day

watching whatever YouTube autoplays

00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:12,181

after the last one autoplayed, but a man

can only watch so many ads for Grammarly.

00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:15,184

Rick. Please!

You’re not bound by morality.

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Get rid of them. Slit their necks,

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Zero Dark Thirty these fuckers

for the good of the species. I won’t tell!

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Help us go back to the old days where

we pretend to fix the problems we caused.

00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,695

You think I’m gonna side with you

over hyper-intelligent creatures

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operating way beyond your comprehension?

I have more in common with them than you.

00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:32,827

You pompous autistic cadaver!

You think you’re above this?

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- I ought to...

- Look here, Mr. President.

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When I need my ribs to be tender

and delicious, I pamper them.

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See, if you give someone what they want,

they’ll give you what you need.

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Jus’ saying.

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I see your point, Beau.

Alright, Rick. Name your price.

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- Crap.

- Goddammit!

00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,514

- How often are you Westworlding me?

- Hang on.

00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,850

Rib-tips jammed his folk-chip again.

00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:59,437

Ol’ Reliable Rick. Always knows

what to do!

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- What do you want, Rick?

- I won’t stoop to answering that again.

00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,524

You know exactly what I want.

00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,568

I can’t just snap my fingers

and get you that job.

00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:08,446

- Yeah yeah. Thanks for lunch.

- Fine. Fine!

00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:11,282

If you get rid of the dinosaurs,

you can host the Oscars.

00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,242

- Yes!

- Righteous Rick!

00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:16,829

Straight shootin’, truth tellin’,

never wets the bed.

00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:22,710

Goodbye old friends,

may you rest in peace,

00:08:23,377 --> 00:08:25,379

rather than the tank of an SUV.

00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:27,632

Hello, fellow cosmic voyagers.

00:08:28,132 --> 00:08:30,843

- Can we help you?

- Actually, I can probably help you.

00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,639

See, I’m technically human but I’ve

come to be more, you know, on your level

00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:37,433

- We’re fine, thank you.

- Maybe I’m being too indirect.

00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:41,187

I happen to dabble in multiversal travel,

and I could probably zap you guys

00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:43,814

- to an alternate Earth...

- We used portal travel eons ago

00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:48,486

but evolved to a one universe, one truth

policy as the highest form of existence.

00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:52,448

Sort of a put your own oxygen mask on

before helping others type of a thing.

00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:55,868

- Have you been on a plane?

- Yes, I’ve been on a plane.

00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,871

We have no problem if you jump dimensions.

00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:02,458

Although we sense your gateway device

is sub-optimal. Let us help.

00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:05,002

I don’t need help. I’m here to help you.

00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:08,172

- What the hell is this?

- A Portal Pistol.

00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:10,424

The gateways are see-through,

not a green swirl,

00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,385

so now you can see where you’re going.

00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,386

"Clever girl."

00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,221

If you’d like we could

patch up your little

00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,348

- inter-dimensional rift too...

- No, leave it,

00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:19,392

I know how to close that,

that’s there for a reason.

00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,519

- Very canonical.

- Don’t you just want it closed?

00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:25,815

- Morty, whose team are you on?

- It’s normal to be frustrated. Here.

00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,567

Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me?

00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:28,776

- Goodbye.

- No, wait.

00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:32,488

What the fuck!

00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,699

- Dr. Manhattan highroad assholes

- I saw my bones!

00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:36,492

- teleporting me?

- Why, wasn’t that painful?

00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:38,703

They didn’t even do it right!

My fly is down.

00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,329

Your fly was already down.

00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,248

What are you doing with that?

00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,792

- Rick! It was a better...

- Nothing from them is better!

00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,545

That thing had uptight

zen snob germs all over it.

00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:49,130

So what now you’re gonna fight them?

00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,506

And prove we’re violent and stupid?

00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,425

No, we’re gonna find out

what they’re hiding.

00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,552

Only people who have

really fucked up in the past

00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:55,845

have to virtue signal this hard.

00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,472

- Look at Sean Penn.

- But Rick, aren’t these feelings, like,

00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:01,058

what they talked about?

Like life gets,

00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,520

"programmed for competition

by early stages of evolution,

00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,856

like, amoebas have to

fight amoebas for energy but

00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:10,693

once a species can get enough sugar

from a machine to give itself diabetes,

00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:12,862

it’s allowed to start

thinking beyond conflict."

00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:14,530

I mean it’s all in their pamphlet.

00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:19,785

Morty, you’re a genius. I clearly

mean that in the 90s ironic sense

00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:23,205

but this self-fellating 'zine is a

treasure map to every fossilized

00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:24,832

bone in their skeleton closet.

00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:26,542

They’re gonna call us Laura Dern

00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:29,295

because we’re about to get

elbow deep in dino doo doo.

00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:30,838

Get it, Morty? The gloves?

00:10:31,213 --> 00:10:32,798

- You remember the big gloves?

- Yeah, no. I get it, Rick.

00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:34,508

I said "Clever Girl" earlier,

00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:35,801

- you didn’t even react.

- I was angry!

00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,561

I’m looking for a few of my friends.

00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,732

Kinda look like the Skullfeet that used

to live on our planet way before us.

00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:50,775

They’re long gone now.

00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:53,235

Really? They’re extinct here too?

00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,571

Yeah! We keep their bones

in that museum over there.

00:10:58,449 --> 00:10:59,784

These guys aren’t gonna be much help.

00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:03,162

The leading theory is the Skullfeet

stepped on their own brains so much

00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,456

they straight up died. Such a shame.

00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,583

- Would have loved to hear them sing.

- Sing?

00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:10,795

We figured they used to hold huge outdoor

concerts in their land amphitheater.

00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,589

- You people are idiots.

- We didn’t have much to go by. ==

00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:16,425

- Bones aren’t big on conversation.

- Yeah, neither are you, pal.

00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:20,888

The majestic Basketsaur! Aren’t they

incredible?

00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:23,599

We’re even making a series

of increasingly terrible movies

00:11:23,599 --> 00:11:25,434

about cloning them in a theme park!

00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,812

- So what happened to them?

- No idea.

00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:31,607

But we do know they all loved eating

communal soup out of the Great Dirt Bowl.

00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:33,776

Starting to see a pattern here.

00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,320

Breathtaking aren’t they?

00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:39,448

It’s a common misconception

that they roamed our planet.

00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:43,369

The truth is, they rolled.

Street-style mostly. Some vert.

00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:47,373

Lemme guess. There’s a very large,

deep circular indentation in which these

00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:49,125

"Grindasaurs" used to shred.

00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:53,754

We think they had a second brain in their

butt dedicated to pulling ten eighties.

00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:57,716

Three planets visited by dinosaurs,

three apocalyptic meteor impacts.

00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:58,843

Gimme the board.

00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:00,261

I’m dropping in for data.

00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:03,556

Rick! That’s the hardest thing

in skateboarding!

00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,475

It looked so easy on Pro Skater 3!

00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:10,104

Hello.

00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:13,482

Jackpot, Morty.

00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,609

You still think the dinosaurs

got something to hide?

00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:18,571

No, Morty, they have a reason to hide.

00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,406

- Come here ya little whippersnapper.

- No Rick, stop.

00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:21,782

- C’mere Morty! Come on, gimme a hug.

- No, don’t touch me.

00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,117

- What’s the matter with you?

- Your hands are greasy!

00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,871

It’s become clear your species

is having a hard time

00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,748

adjusting to its reduced accountability.

00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:33,627

Our solution is to hold these

regular keynotes, or talks,

00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:36,130

which you used to launch

new phones and religions.

00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:38,257

I see someone’s eager to speak!

00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:41,510

Hi, what do you do when

you want to kill yourself?

00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:45,598

You don’t do that, thank you

for asking though. Very important.

00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,392

We recently discovered

a new piece of human literature

00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,394

that we think

everyone should read.

00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:53,481

Holy shit! I’m a famous author!

00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,483

Wait, where’s my name?

00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,360

We will distribute it to everyone

on Earth tomorrow.

00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,447

Excuse me, aren’t you gonna say

who wrote it?

00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:04,366

Nope. Whoever wrote it

must be above needing credit.

00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,786

It’s all here in this book

that belongs to everyone. For free.

00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:13,042

You communist lizard scum bags!

I wrote that! Me, Jerry Smith!

00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:26,639

Guess what!

Dinosaurs are not secretly evil

00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,682

and they’re not out

to cause anybody trouble

00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:31,393

but it turns out trouble

has a way of following them.

00:13:32,811 --> 00:13:34,480

Yes, it’s showtime.

00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:38,609

Literally every planet with dinosaurs

on it is eventually smashed by a huge

00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:41,320

space rock that takes out

them and most existing life.

00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,322

What? That can’t be true.

00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:45,616

It’s alright to be frustrated.

Let me explain.

00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:48,786

Why would planet killing meteors

follow Dinosaurs?

00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:53,249

As these reptiles evolved to higher and

higher levels of loving vegan godhood,

00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:56,252

another life-form devolved

into an equally selfless,

00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,213

hate filled species

of barely sentient rocks.

00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:02,758

They hurtle through space and do as much

damage as they can to their chosen enemy,

00:14:02,758 --> 00:14:04,051

which is guess-who.

00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:08,597

Everywhere these dinos go, these rocks,

they come-a crashing. And this one...

00:14:10,432 --> 00:14:12,560

is headed directly towards us.

00:14:13,477 --> 00:14:17,189

- And all of our work? It was for...

- Nothing, bingo!

00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:19,400

Welcome to life, it’s a big boat

with a lot of holes

00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,568

but we’re all in it together.

00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:21,610

Oh my.

00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:23,571

So much death.

00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:28,284

Congratulations, primates.

Looks like Earth could have done worse!

00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:31,787

Rick out! And don’t forget

to tune into this year’s Oscars.

00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:36,500

Well, this is a, a lot to take in.

00:14:38,877 --> 00:14:40,337

I like trains now!

00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:42,590

Okay, that hurt.

00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:45,384

Trains rule! Dino’s Drool!

00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:50,139

And you had no idea about the disastrous

meteors that followed in your wake?

00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:53,851

We just learned about it like you.

Truly heartbreaking news.

00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:57,187

But I assume you’re gonna

destroy it when it arrives here, right?

00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:02,776

We’re in the process of finding a

solution that um doesn’t involve violence.

00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,195

Hold on, you’re in the process?

00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:09,491

Well there you have it Cooperheads.

An angry species of rock is gonna slamm

00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,785

into our... sorry, their planet,

00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:14,830

and our new planet runners

are weighing whether to let it happen.

00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:20,336

I mean no one knows

if the meteor species is even real!

00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:22,630

No. It’s very real.

We all know that.

00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:25,841

You know what’s real? A rear naked

choke hold. I’ll show you.

00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:27,384

What?

00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:30,679

Final question, how we doing?

00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:36,226

We have come to the conclusion the only

way to ensure humanity will be safe

00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:39,104

is for us to go.

We’re leaving the planet for good.

00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:46,528

Exxon spilling the oil,

Chernobyl blowing up,

00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:52,618

Asbestos in Montana,

Atlantic City, type 2 diabetes,

00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:57,081

Deepwater deeply blew it,

00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,792

giant garbage island,

00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:03,295

and all the bees are dying,

00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:08,300

fuck off and Dienosaurs.

00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:17,393

Maybe it’s the molly,

but I fucking love you, Rick!

00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,394

It’s the molly.

00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:22,272

Isn’t this nice?

Rivalries behind us, dinos gone,

00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:23,857

two cool guys living in the moment!

00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:28,195

So, like, you know what

you’re gonna wear, because...

00:16:28,195 --> 00:16:29,405

I can’t get another plus one.

00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:33,283

What?! I’m the one who got you the gig,

you son of a bitch. I feel this napkin.

00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:37,121

Feel this napkin. So soft.

00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:41,375

This is the 95th annual Academy Awards!

00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,502

Now, please welcome your host,

00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:46,171

an old science guy

who got rid of the dinosaurs

00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,674

Rick Sanchez!

00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:54,096

Suck my grey tits, Hollywood pinkos!

00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,724

Where’s the mic? The raising mic?

00:16:58,642 --> 00:16:59,560

Bring it up!

00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,275

Tommy! Tom Hanks is here!

00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:08,485

C’mon, do it.

00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:13,323

Come on. Do it.

00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:14,825

Okay okay, one time.

00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,370

Wilson!

00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:21,331

I’m Oscar Host Rick!

00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,669

Grandpa Rick, this is so cool.

00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,755

- That microphone bit killed.

- Yeah, told you it would!

00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:30,674

- That was all scripted?

- Every moment at the Oscars is.

00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:31,759

Even that one thing.

00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:35,846

- Look who stole themselves a swag bag!

- Fucking Sprinkles coupon!

00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:36,847

We’re splitting that.

00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:41,268

So I was thinking it might be funny

to add dinosaurs to the In Memoriam.

00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:44,354

It feels beneath us, it’s funnier that

they left and we don’t even care.

00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:47,316

Yeah, they left but they keep

begging for attention.

00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,860

You haven’t heard? The dinos are just

standing up there on Mars

00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,571

with their dicks in their hands.

So dramatic.

00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:55,532

What, they’re just gonna let

the meteor hit them and die?

00:17:55,616 --> 00:18:00,204

Good. If being superior to everyone

makes you die, I call that balance.

00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:04,666

It’s all in my globally published book

the Dinos stripped my name from!

00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:07,169

Oscars are over.

00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:09,087

Where are my keys?

00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:11,298

Goddammit, I need to fix portal travel!

00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:13,425

And I’m going to, I have a process!

00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:18,055

Our final act of kindness.

00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:21,099

It’s been an honor serving

the sanctity of life with you all.

00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:32,152

- Rick, what are you doing?

- Standing here with you guys.

00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,530

You don’t want to do that.

We’re sacrificing ourselves here.

00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:38,659

Then so am I! Y’know? Elon Musk

be damned, we’re blowing up Mars.

00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:42,579

No. We’re doing something selfless,

you’re doing it out of pettiness.

00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,832

How is anyone supposed

to know the difference?

00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:46,834

Consider it a game of virtue chicken.

00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,132

Okay, if you won’t go, we’ll make you go.

00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:58,220

Sorry, I dino-proofed my tech

to spite you guys.

00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:01,390

Which further proves selflessness and

selfishness are two sides of the same coin

00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:03,058

so what’s the point?

00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:16,280

Fine. Cool with me that your final chapter

is dying on Mars with an old dick head.

00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:23,787

Alright! Welcome back!

00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:25,789

You obnoxious little twat!

00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:29,418

Yeah but you’re alive!

No David Foster Wallace-ing in my galaxy.

00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:32,421

You don’t get to be so smart that

you remove yourself from everybody.

00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:35,299

From one god being to another,

you’re welcome.

00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:37,509

Well, as long as we’re doing

each other favors.

00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:40,721

Wait what are you doing?

00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:48,186

You fixed my Rift?!

You fucking hypocritical cocks!

00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,563

It was all canonical and shit!

00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:51,481

We coulda milked that thing

for a whole season.

00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:54,234

Or like a three episode arc at least!

00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:58,572

Sorry. That’s just us. We love helping,

god beings to god being.

00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,450

Seriously! I was gonna fix that!

00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:07,873

Shit. They’re coming back!

00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:12,252

Can we turn on the AC? It’s like

a thousand degrees outside!

00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,422

Yes! New follower! Named...

00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:17,633

Crypto_For_Bare_Toes

00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,801

Not sure I get it

but sounds like business!

00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,762

- Proud of you, honey.

- Is Dad okay?

00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,806

Yes, I’m just writing my second book.

00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,601

I don’t know what it’s gonna be about,

but I can tell you one thing

00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:31,438

the title is "Jerry Smith Presents:

A Book By Jerry Smith."

00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,482

Chapter one.

00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:38,487

Fuck!

00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:41,907

Morty, get your ass in the garage.

00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:50,916

Check it out. A dimension where

hats wear people.

00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,753

I did it, I fixed portal travel!

00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:57,839

- Oh shit!

- Figured my guy deserves a vacation.

00:20:57,923 --> 00:21:00,676

- Boob world!

- You’re damn right. And it’s Areola Week.

00:21:01,259 --> 00:21:04,513

- Alright! Good old fashioned portal fun!

- Yep, like this!

00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:08,058

- It’s gonna be classic episodes, Morty!

- I’m gonna puke, Rick!

00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:10,519

Portaling in! Wrecking shit,

portaling out, Morty.

00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:14,523

Oh my god, adventures, Morty!

Social commentary! Crude characters!

00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,566

Here we go! Rick and Morty time!

00:21:49,474 --> 00:21:50,767

This is our home now.

00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:52,853

We shall live out the rest

of our days here.

00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,731

Never interfering with the ways

of the universe again.

00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:56,857

We are content.

00:21:57,524 --> 00:21:58,442

It was a good run.

00:21:58,775 --> 00:22:00,485

Speaking of a good run.

00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:02,821

I bet I could switch heel onto that

manny pad, big spin out,

00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:05,407

Tre flip that gap, 5-0 the rail,

drop into the bowl,

00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:07,826

stale fish into a Christ air

and then we get fucking wrecked.

00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:09,745

It’s on, Iguanadon.

00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:12,539

Grinding some rocks.

Nollie the hubba.

00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:15,751

Goofyfoot, kickflip,

take care of the Groms.

00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:20,422

But you’re a bad little dino boy

and you’re rotting in a crater.

00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:21,798

So now let’s make some noise.

00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:12,220

таинственная трещина всё еще там.

Она никуда не делась.

00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:13,388

Вы ведь про нее не забыли, правда?

00:00:13,471 --> 00:00:15,390

Возможно, это важно.

Снова передаю слово тебе, Табита.

00:00:15,473 --> 00:00:18,643

Рик, мама работает,

а папа еще спит. Я так опоздаю.

00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:21,271

Ага. Понял. Вот.

00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:23,523

Блин! Портальная пушка

снова заработала?

00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:24,774

Да, в общем-то.

00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:28,111

И такое иногда бывает.

00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:33,241

Ключи бери, и всё.

00:00:35,326 --> 00:00:38,121

На самом деле было приятно

отдохнуть от путешествий по порталам.

00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,206

У меня набралось

много школьных приключений.

00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,167

Морти, я же занят. Я в процессе.

00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:43,418

Чиню портальную пушку.

00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:45,837

Когда ты поднимаешь эту тему,

мой творческий поток блокируется.

00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,922

И мне приходится

нарочно затягивать процесс,

00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,382

чтобы отучить тебя поднимать эту тему.

00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,092

Боже. Ты знаешь, что такое проекция?

00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:54,304

- А ты?

- Нет, слышал, как мама такое говорила.

00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,472

СРЕДНЯЯ ШКОЛА ГАРРИ ХЕРПСОНА

00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:57,182

Господи, нет. Он снова здесь.

00:00:57,265 --> 00:00:58,725

Морти-протокол, дети.

00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:00,727

Что у тебя сегодня?

00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:03,980

Мозговые жуки? Космические червяки?

Опять насмотрелся «Факультета»?

00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:06,107

Не стоит каждый день так реагировать.

00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:09,444

В прошлый раз инопланетяне заставили

меня вылизать все сиденья унитаза.

00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:12,155

Именно так. Заставили.

Я вижу эти красноречивые взгляды.

00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,825

Что ты наделал, крошечный монстр?

00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:16,785

Это не я!

00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:19,287

ГОЛЛИВУД

00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:26,961

Люди хотят знать:

эти гости пришли с миром?

00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:29,005

ГОСТИ ИЗ КОСМОСА?

ПРИШЛИ ЛИ ОНИ ХОТЬ РАЗ С МИРОМ?

00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:32,342

Но сначала о пиццерии Питера. Какой

кусок мы сегодня анализируем, Пити?

00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:33,426

С сыром.

00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:42,352

Если этим инопланетянам нужна Земля,

им придется для начала победить Египет.

00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:44,854

Пусть поинтересуются у мумий,

каково это - соваться в Египет.

00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:49,442

Мумия миа!

00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:57,867

Динозавры вернулись?

00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,036

Обезьяны облысели?

00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,868

Прежде чем мы начнем:

00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:42,287

где остальные… из нас?

00:02:44,163 --> 00:02:45,081

Вымерли.

00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:48,167

Давным-давно, задолго до нас.

00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:49,794

Мы ничего не видели.

00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:53,548

Но наши предки наверняка оставили

после себя какие-то доказательства.

00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:56,467

Почему он нервничает?

00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:02,056

Потому что… вы динозавры.

00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:05,059

Это непривычно. Я думал, вы вымерли.

00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:07,437

Идем дальше.

00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,732

Мы, «динозавры»,

эволюционировали здесь, на Земле,

00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:13,860

до тех пор, пока наша технология

не стала планетарно-гармоничной.

00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:16,738

Такова цель технологии.

00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:20,658

Достигнув идеального баланса

с Матерью-Землей,

00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,994

наши лучшие и храбрейшие

улетели помогать другим планетам.

00:03:23,077 --> 00:03:24,579

На протяжении миллионов лет

00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:27,540

мы называли домом многие миры

и способствовали процветанию каждого.

00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:32,170

Представьте наше удивление, когда,

вернувшись домой, мы обнаружили,

00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:35,924

что наш вид вымер, а Земля теперь

на вашем, народ, попечении.

00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:38,801

Когда мы улетали,

вы были в основном белками.

00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:43,640

Что ж, мы прошли долгий путь и закопали

нечто большее, чем просто орехи.

00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,184

Мы уже миновали стадию

неконструктивной критики.

00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,311

Так что, допустим,

вы сделали всё возможное.

00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:49,520

Вы выжили.

00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:52,190

Но наверняка был какой-то момент

между изобретением пороха

00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:55,693

и чем-то под названием «Amazon Prime»,

когда вам, народ, следовало задуматься:

00:03:55,777 --> 00:04:00,114

«Мы будем управлять планетой? Может,

лучше снимать фильмы о "Marvel"?»

00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:01,741

Сколько фильмов о «Marvel» вы сняли?

00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:03,368

Двадцать девять. Еще 14 на подходе.

00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:04,911

Вот видите, вам нравится это делать.

00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:07,747

А мы любим помогать новым формам жизни

крепнуть и вставать на ноги.

00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:11,584

Итак, теперь, раз уж мы вернулись,

мы можем перенять эстафету.

00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,169

Стоп. Вы смотрели

фильм «Мстители: финал»?

00:04:13,252 --> 00:04:15,922

Если да, то знаете, что при вторжении

земляне не сидят сложа руки.

00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:17,423

Это не вторжение.

00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:20,760

Кроме того, разве вы сами

не хотите сидеть сложа руки?

00:04:20,843 --> 00:04:22,845

Вы ведь наверняка устали.

00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,181

Поднимите ноги,

сделайте больше татуировок.

00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:27,433

Спокойно завершите

образ Человека-муравья.

00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:31,145

Подумайте об этом как о вашей земной

концепции отпуска, только постоянного.

00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,647

Думаю, что выскажу мнение всех мировых

00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:36,109

лидеров, если скажу, что бедные люди

нас просто убьют, если мы вас отпустим.

00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:37,026

Так что…

00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:40,029

Добро пожаловать домой, динозавры.

00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:42,115

Мне отпуск как нельзя кстати.

00:04:42,198 --> 00:04:44,367

- Ну что, уничтожим их?

- Кёртис, я в отпуске.

00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,244

Что-то ты быстро втянулся.

00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:47,870

«СИРАКЬЮС ОРАНЖ ПИЛ»:

ДИНОЗАВРЫ ВСЁ СДЕЛАЮТ САМИ

00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:52,291

«ФИЛАДЕЛЬФИЯ АНСЭРЕР»:

НЕХВАТКА ДЕФИЦИТА

00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,713

«АБСОЛЮТ-БАР» - БЕСПЛАТНЫЙ БАР

БЕСПЛАТНАЯ ЕДА, БЕСПЛАТНОЕ ВИНО!

00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:58,548

«ЧИКАГО ТРИБЬЮТ»:

РАБОТА ОТМЕНЕНА, ХОЛОДИЛЬНИК ПОЛОН!

00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:02,510

ЦЕННЫХ БУМАГ БОЛЬШЕ НЕТ!

00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,888

«ТРЕНТОН ТОКИ ТРИБЬЮН»:

БЕЗРАБОТИЦА - 100%

00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:10,143

РЕАЛЬНО НЕ НА ЧТО ЖАЛОВАТЬСЯ

00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,231

«ЛОС-АНДЖЕЛЕС ПЛЭЙСЕЗ»: ПОСЛЕДНИЙ

ЗАГОЛОВОК! НАБОРЩИКИ ОПЕЧАЛЕНЫ

00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,278

ПЕРВОЕ ПЕРЕКАТИ-ПОЛЕ ВАШИНГТОНА

00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:28,327

Я даже не могу притворяться,

что чувствую себя полезной в игре.

00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,204

Так заканчивается история человечества,

00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,540

освобожденного от работы

и севшего за детский стол?

00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:35,585

Эти динозавры достойны уважения.

Они подчинили себе целый вид,

00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:37,920

умело сыграв на желании людей

иметь больше свободного времени.

00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,465

Подчинили бы нас хотя бы потому,

что мы недостойны сражаться с ними…

00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,425

Но нет. Мы стали

ходячими фильмами Тайлера Перри.

00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:43,468

Они же просто нам помогли.

00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:45,678

Нам не нужна была их помощь!

У нас не было проблем.

00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,513

В этом доме сортируют мусор.

00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:50,683

Его сортируют на свалке!

00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:54,228

Что за фигня? Мои танцевальные

видео набирают ноль лайков.

00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,731

Ага, динозавры выкинули

педофилов из «Тик-Тока».

00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:59,650

- Супер. Значит, теперь я на мели?

- Тебе больше не нужны деньги.

00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,861

И для чего мне теперь эта штука?

Чтобы звонить?

00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:04,113

Пап, тебе ведь тоже

всё это не нравится.

00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,324

Почему это? Я и так делал что хотел.

00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:09,452

Я правда считаю слегка забавным то,

что вы все теперь похожи на Джерри.

00:06:10,244 --> 00:06:11,329

Твою мать.

00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,957

- Джерри, как ты это делаешь?

- Да, пап, как ты это делаешь?

00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,250

Как ты это делаешь, пап?

00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,878

- Как ты это делаешь?

- Как ты это делаешь?

00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,254

Наконец-то это произошло.

00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:22,715

ВЕЩИ

00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,717

ЗАБЫТЫЕ ВЕЩИ - ЗАБЫТЫЕ ВЕЩИ (2)

УДАЛИТЬ ЭТО - МЕСТА «ТИТАНИКА»

00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,469

падающие панды.mov, змея_

в_мини-юбке.jpg, страшная_собака.jpg

00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,849

Рукопись_FINAL.doc

Рукопись_FINAL_FINAL.doc

00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:33,267

Рукопись_FINAL_FINAL_FINAL.doc

00:06:36,437 --> 00:06:37,605

Отлично.

00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:41,484

Кто-нибудь знает,

как отправить рукопись в издательство?

00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:46,030

Президент зовет меня лишь в экстренных

случаях или если ему нужно экстази.

00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:47,865

«БАР-БО-КЮ»

00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:52,161

Я рад, Бо, что ты не закрылся.

00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,789

Я бы и рад заплатить,

но капитализма больше нет.

00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:58,417

Я никогда не готовлю ребрышки

за деньги, господин президент.

00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:00,503

Вот.

00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:01,963

Я звонил не поэтому.

00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:03,589

Наркотиками эту проблему не решить.

00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,049

Я больше не могу так жить.

00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,260

Сначала было весело смотреть весь день

00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:09,762

автоматом воспроизводящиеся

ролики в «Ютубе», один за другим.

00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:12,181

Но сколько можно смотреть

рекламу «Grammarly»?

00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,976

Рик, прошу. У тебя нет

никаких моральных принципов.

00:07:15,059 --> 00:07:16,853

Избавься от них. Перережь им горло.

00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:19,147

Преврати их в двухсотые

во благо нашего вида.

00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,149

Я смолчу. Помоги нам

вернуть старые добрые времена,

00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:23,067

когда мы якобы решали

созданные нами же проблемы.

00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,653

Думаете, я буду за вас

и пойду против высшего разума, существ,

00:07:25,736 --> 00:07:27,530

функционирующих далеко за пределами

вашего понимания?

00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,365

У меня больше общего

с ними, чем с вами.

00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,827

Ты напыщенный, аутичный труп!

Думаешь, ты выше этого?

00:07:32,910 --> 00:07:34,412

- Я должен…

- Послушайте, господин президент,

00:07:34,495 --> 00:07:38,040

когда мне нужно, чтобы мои ребрышки

были нежными и вкусными, я их балую.

00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:42,920

Если дать кому-то желаемое,

этот кто-то даст вам то, что нужно вам.

00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,590

- Я просто говорю…

- Я понял тебя, Бо.

00:07:45,673 --> 00:07:46,674

Ладно, Рик.

00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,468

Назови свою цену.

00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:50,094

Чёрт.

00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:52,388

Чёрт возьми! Сколько еще

ты будешь водить меня за нос?

00:07:52,471 --> 00:07:55,808

Подождите. Ребра снова задели

его человеческий чип.

00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:59,270

Старый надежный Рик.

Всегда знает, что делать.

00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:00,396

Чего ты хочешь, Рик?

00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,399

Больше не буду отвечать на этот вопрос.

Вы прекрасно знаете, чего я хочу.

00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,443

Я не могу по щелчку пальцев

устроить тебя на эту работу.

00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:08,237

- Ага. Спасибо за обед.

- Ну ладно.

00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:11,199

Если избавишь нас от динозавров,

сможешь вести «Оскар».

00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:13,034

- Да!

- Благочестивый Рик.

00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:16,871

Прямолинейный, правдивый,

никогда не мочится в постель.

00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:21,417

Пока, старые друзья.

00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:25,087

Покойтесь с миром,

а не в баке внедорожника.

00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:27,882

Привет, дружественные

космические путешественники.

00:08:27,965 --> 00:08:29,008

Чем можем помочь?

00:08:29,091 --> 00:08:30,843

Вообще-то, это я могу вам помочь.

00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,262

Понимаете, технически я человек,

но стою скорее

00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,932

- на вашем уровне.

- У нас всё хорошо, спасибо.

00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:39,352

Возможно, я чересчур неясно выразился.

Я побывал а разных вселенных

00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:41,771

и, наверное, мог бы отправить вас

на альтернативную Землю.

00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:43,439

Мы уже миллиарды лет

не используем порталы.

00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,484

Став совершенными, мы придерживаемся

политики «одна вселенная -

00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,528

одна истина»,

будучи высшей формой существования.

00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:52,365

Что-то вроде «Наденьте сами кислородную

маску, прежде чем помогать другим».

00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,158

Вы летали на самолетах?

00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,826

Да, летал.

00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:58,746

Мы без претензий по поводу

ваших прыжков по измерениям.

00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:02,375

Хотя чувствуем, что ваш шлюз работает

неоптимально. Позвольте нам помочь.

00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:04,835

Мне не нужна помощь.

Я пришел, чтобы помочь вам.

00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:07,922

- Что это, чёрт возьми?

- Портальный пистолет.

00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:10,299

Шлюзы получаются прозрачные,

а не зеленый вихрь.

00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,093

Так вам будет видно,

куда вы направляетесь.

00:09:12,176 --> 00:09:13,261

Умница…

00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:16,347

Если хотите, мы можем залатать и вашу

маленькую межпространственную трещину.

00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:18,307

Нет. Не трогайте ее.

Я знаю, как ее заделать.

00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:21,477

- Она нужна. По определенной причине.

- Ты разве не хотел ее заделать?

00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:22,812

Морти, на чьей ты стороне?

00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,855

Разочаровываться - это нормально.

00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,524

- Вот.

- Вы что, издеваетесь?

00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:27,483

ТАК, ЗНАЧИТ, У ВАС ЕСТЬ ДИНОЗАВРЫ?

00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,944

- До свидания.

- Нет, подождите. Какого хрена!

00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:33,447

Блин, я видел свои кости!

00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,408

Высокоморальные придурки

меня телепортировали?

00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:37,618

- Почему не было больно?

- И даже не сделали это правильно!

00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:40,204

- У меня ширинка расстегнулась.

- Она и была расстегнута.

00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:42,456

Что ты там делаешь?

00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,792

- Рик, было бы лучше…

- От них ничего не лучше.

00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:47,211

Это существо насквозь пропитано

чопорностью, дзеном и снобизмом.

00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,671

Так ты собираешься с ними сражаться?

00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:50,506

И доказать,

что мы жестокие и глупые? Нет.

00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,258

Мы выясним, что они скрывают.

00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:55,845

Лишь те, кто здорово облажался ранее,

будут так рьяно играть на публику.

00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,763

- Посмотри на Шона Пенна.

- Рик, разве не об этих чувствах

00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,515

они говорили?

00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:04,312

Что-то типа этого: «Жизнь на ранних

стадиях эволюции запрограммирована

00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,564

на конкуренцию - амебы должны

бороться с амебами за энергию.

00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:10,568

Но как только виду удается начать

получать из автомата массу сахара,

00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:12,778

чтобы получить диабет,

ему можно думать вне конфликта».

00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:14,822

Я к тому,

что это всё и так есть в их брошюре.

00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:16,449

ТАМОРУС ЛАЙТ,

РОНКОНКОМА, АЛЬФА ЦЕНТАВРА

00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:17,575

Морти, ты гений.

00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,660

Это я иронично, в стиле 90-х.

00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,912

Эта высокомерная брошюра -

ценнейшая карта

00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,707

по всем их окаменелым костям,

запрятанным в виде скелета в шкафу.

00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,292

Нас будут звать Лорой Дерн,

00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:29,587

ведь мы по самый локоть

закопаемся в дерьмо динозавров.

00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:31,672

Понял, Морти? Перчатки?

Помнишь большую перчатку?

00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:33,924

Я понял, Рик.

Я же сказал до этого «умница».

00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,843

- А ты даже не отреагировал.

- Я разозлился.

00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,728

Я ищу своих друзей.

00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:47,480

Похожи на черепоногих,

00:10:47,563 --> 00:10:49,482

живших на нашей планете задолго до нас.

00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:50,649

Они давно вымерли.

00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:52,902

Правда? Они и тут вымерли?

00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:55,404

Ага. Мы храним их кости

вон в том музее.

00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,575

Эти ребята вряд ли нам помогут.

00:10:59,658 --> 00:11:01,160

Ведущая теория такова: черепоногие

00:11:01,243 --> 00:11:04,163

так сильно отдавили сами себе мозги,

что в результате вымерли.

00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:06,707

Очень жаль.

Вот бы услышать, как они пели!

00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,459

- «Пели»?

- Да, мы выяснили, что они ставили

00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:10,669

масштабные шоу

в амфитеатре под открытым небом.

00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:11,837

Вы идиоты.

00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,882

У нас мало что было в наличии.

Кости не особо разговорчивы.

00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:16,217

Да и ты тоже, приятель.

00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:20,721

Величественный баскетзавр.

Ну разве они не потрясающие?

00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,474

Мы даже снимаем

серию всё более ужасных фильмов

00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:25,226

об их клонировании

в тематическом парке.

00:11:25,309 --> 00:11:27,645

- Так что же с ними случилось?

- Понятия не имею.

00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:31,774

Но нам известно, что все они любили

есть суп из большой грязной миски.

00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,984

Начинаю видеть в этом закономерность.

00:11:34,568 --> 00:11:36,278

Аж дух захватывает, правда?

00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,198

Это распространенное заблуждение,

будто они бродили по нашей планете.

00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:43,160

На самом деле они катались на роликах.

В основном стритстайл, иногда верт.

00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:46,580

Дай угадаю. У вас есть очень большая,

глубокая круглая яма, в которой

00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,916

эти грайндозавры зажигали на скейтах.

00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:51,669

Мы считаем, что у них в заднице

был второй мозг,

00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:53,629

ответственный за трюки

на 1 080 градусов.

00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:57,425

Три планеты, посещенные динозаврами.

Три апокалиптических падения метеорита.

00:11:57,508 --> 00:12:00,010

Дай-ка сюда доску. Скатаюсь за инфой.

00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,347

Рик, это самое сложное в скейтбординге!

00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:06,225

В игре это выглядело довольно просто!

00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:09,770

Привет.

00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:12,565

РАЗУМНАЯ ЖИЗНЬ ОБНАРУЖЕНА

00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:13,482

Джекпот, Морти.

00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,401

Ты всё еще думаешь,

динозаврам есть что скрывать?

00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:18,446

Нет, Морти, у них

есть веская причина скрываться.

00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,197

- Иди-ка сюда, сопляк.

- Нет! Хватит.

00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:21,574

- Обними меня.

- Не трогай меня.

00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:22,825

У тебя руки жирные.

00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:24,034

ВОПРОСЫ И ОТВЕТЫ: СЕГОДНЯ С ДИНОЗАВРАМИ

00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:26,871

Стало ясно: ваш вид переживает

тяжелые времена,

00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:29,623

приспосабливаясь

к понижению ответственности.

00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:33,502

Мы предлагаем проводить

регулярные собрания или переговоры

00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,046

типа тех, которые вы проводили,

запуская новые телефоны или религии.

00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:38,007

Вижу, кто-то хочет высказаться.

00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:39,300

Привет.

00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:41,594

Что делать,

если хочется покончить с собой?

00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:43,095

Не делать этого.

00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,347

Но спасибо, что спросили.

Очень важная тема.

00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,474

Недавно мы обнаружили новое

00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:49,185

произведение человеческой литературы,

которое всем советуем прочесть.

00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:50,102

«НЕ ПОПРОБУЕШЬ - НЕ ОШИБЕШЬСЯ»

00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:51,604

Блин!

00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:53,522

Я известный писатель!

00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:54,899

Стоп, а где мое имя?

00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:58,319

Завтра мы раздадим его всем на Земле.

00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:01,155

Извините. Вы не хотите сказать,

кто это написал?

00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:04,158

Нет. Тот, кто это написал,

не нуждается в похвале.

00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:08,162

Всё, что в этой книге, принадлежит

всем и каждому совершенно бесплатно.

00:13:08,245 --> 00:13:10,164

Ах вы, коммунистические ящерицы, мрази!

00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:12,958

Это я это написал! Я, Джерри Смит!

00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,171

Эй, эй, эй!

00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:20,257

ПОШУМИТЕ!

00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:26,555

Знаете что? Динозавры не тайные злодеи

00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,432

и не собираются

причинять кому-либо неприятности.

00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:31,435

Но, оказывается, неприятности

имеют свойство их преследовать.

00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:34,313

Да. Сейчас будет шоу.

00:13:34,855 --> 00:13:36,774

Буквально на каждую планету,

где были динозавры,

00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,984

в конце концов

падал огромнейший метеорит,

00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,195

уносивший их жизни

наряду со всеми остальными.

00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:42,905

Что? Это невозможно. Не может быть.

00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:44,615

Разочаровываться - это нормально.

00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:45,741

Сейчас объясню.

00:13:45,824 --> 00:13:48,786

Почему метеориты, разрушающие планеты,

преследуют динозавров?

00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:51,288

По мере того, как эти рептилии

достигали всё более высоких уровней

00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:53,040

любящей веганской божественности,

00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:54,917

другая форма жизни регрессировала

00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,921

до самоотверженного вида полуразумного

камня, переполненного ненавистью.

00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:01,632

Они рассекают по космосу

и наносят столько урона, сколько могут,

00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:03,884

своим заклятым врагам.

Угадайте с трех раз кому?

00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:07,638

Ага. Куда бы ни направились динозавры,

за ними летят эти сокрушительные камни,

00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:08,722

а этот…

00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:10,140

ПРЯМАЯ ТРАНСЛЯЦИЯ

00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:12,726

…направляется прямиком к нам.

00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,604

То есть всё это время мы работали…

00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,773

Впустую. Бинго! Такова жизнь.

00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:20,317

Это большая лодка с кучей дыр,

но мы в ней все вместе.

00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:21,652

О боже…

00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:23,529

Столько смертей.

00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,656

Поздравляю, приматы.

00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:27,992

Похоже, Земля еще легко отделалась.

00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:29,451

Рик сматывает удочки!

00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,704

И не забудьте в этом году

посмотреть «Оскар».

00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:36,333

Такое трудно принять. Это уже слишком.

00:14:38,794 --> 00:14:40,337

Мне теперь нравятся поезда.

00:14:40,754 --> 00:14:42,381

Было больно.

00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:45,509

Поезда рулят! Динозавры - отстой!

00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:47,595

И вы понятия не имели

00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:50,097

о жутких метеоритах, следующих за вами?

00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:53,559

Мы только что узнали об этом, как и вы.

Поистине душераздирающая новость.

00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:57,062

Полагаю, вы собираетесь уничтожить

его, когда он сюда прилетит, верно?

00:14:57,813 --> 00:15:02,610

Мы находимся в процессе поиска решения,

не связанного с насилием.

00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:05,029

Постойте. Что значит «в процессе»?

00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,071

ЗОНА ЛЮДЕЙ

00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:07,406

Так-то, медноголовые.

00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:10,034

Разъяренный вид камней

собирается врезаться в нашу…

00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:11,827

Простите, в их планету,

00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:14,830

а наши новые управляющие планетой

раздумывают, а не допустить ли это.

00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:17,750

ДЖО РОГАН

«ОПЫТ»

00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:20,127

Я о том, что неизвестно,

реален ли вообще этот вид метеоритов.

00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,713

Нет, он более чем реален.

Мы все это знаем.

00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:25,090

Знаете, что реально?

Удушающий захват сзади.

00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:26,842

- Я вам покажу.

- Что?

00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,385

Последний вопрос.

00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:30,596

Как у нас дела?

00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,057

Мы пришли к выводу,

00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:37,269

что единственный способ обеспечить

безопасность человечества - наш отъезд.

00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,063

Мы покидаем планету навсегда.

00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:42,524

ПОКА, ЗАВРЫ! БОЛЬШЕ НИКАКИХ ДИНОЗАВРОВ!

00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,693

«РЕЗЕРФОРД-ФОЛЛЗ ПОСТ»:

УТОПИЯ УЗУРПИРОВАНА!

00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:47,529

«ЛЕВИ МОРНИНГ НЬЮС»: ОПЯТЬ

НЕ ХВАТАЕТ ФРУКТОВ! ФРУКТЫ - ПРОДАНО

00:15:48,947 --> 00:15:49,907

«ПЕДЖЕТС ГАЗЕТ»:

ЕСЛИ НЕ СЛОМАНО, НЕ ЧИНИТЕ!

00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:50,991

ВООБЩЕ-ТО ДАЖЕ ЕСЛИ СЛОМАНО,

ВСЁ РАВНО НЕ ЧИНИТЕ!

00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,661

«ВАШИНГТОНСКИЕ ХРОНИКИ»:

РОСТ ПРЕСТУПНОСТИ НА 1000%

00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:59,333

«ДЕНВЕР ДЭЙЛИ ДОУЗЕС»: СЧАСТЬЯ МЕНЬШЕ,

НО НАМ ТАК БОЛЬШЕ НРАВИТСЯ!

00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:04,088

УЛИЦА ЛИНКОЛЬНА

00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,590

ПРОСПЕКТ ДИНОЗАВРОВ

00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:08,133

ПРОСПЕКТ ОТСТОЙНЫХ ДИНОЗАВРОВ

00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:17,017

Может, это всё из-за экстази,

но я чертовски люблю тебя, Рик.

00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:19,269

- Это именно из-за экстази.

- Ну разве не мило?

00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:22,022

Соперничество позади.

Динозавры свалили.

00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,774

Два крутых парня живут настоящим.

00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,568

Ну как,

00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:29,196

- что ты наденешь? Ведь…

- Я не могу завести еще одного друга.

00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:31,782

Что? Это ведь я протолкнул тебя в шоу,

сукин ты сын!

00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:34,535

Я ощущаю эту салфетку.

00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:37,204

Так мягко…

00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:41,125

Это 95-я ежегодная церемония

вручения премии «Оскар».

00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:43,127

А теперь поприветствуйте ведущего,

00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:46,046

старого ученого,

избавившего мир от динозавров, -

00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,799

Рика Санчеса!

00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:54,263

Сосите мои сиськи, голливудские леваки!

00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:56,765

Где микрофон? Микрофон!

00:16:58,392 --> 00:16:59,309

Поднимайте его.

00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:06,066

Томми! Том Хэнкс здесь.

00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:08,777

Давай, сделай это.

00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:12,740

Давай же, сделай это.

00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:14,867

Ладно. Один раз.

00:17:15,784 --> 00:17:18,579

Уилсон!

00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:21,582

Я ведущий «Оскара», Рик!

00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,544

Дедушка Рик. Так круто!

00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:26,879

Микрофон просто убил!

00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:28,964

- Да, я же сказал, что так и будет.

- Это всё было в сценарии?

00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,675

Каждый момент на «Оскаре». Даже это.

00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:34,136

Смотрите, кто надыбал сумку с добычей.

00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,638

- Гребаный купон «Спринклс».

- Мы его поделим.

00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:40,726

В общем, я тут подумал, что будет

забавно добавить динозавров в некролог.

00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:41,977

Это ниже нашего уровня.

00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:44,271

Будет забавнее, если нам

наплевать на то, что они улетели.

00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:47,024

Да, они улетели,

но всё еще просят внимания.

00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,108

Ты не слышал?

00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:51,111

Динозавры реально стоят на Марсе

со своими членами в руках.

00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,196

Так драматично!

00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:55,199

Что? Они позволят метеориту

попасть в них и умрут?

00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:58,285

Супер. Если превосходство

над остальными приводит к смерти,

00:17:58,368 --> 00:17:59,912

можно назвать это балансом. Всё это

00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:04,792

есть в моей всемирно изданной книге,

из которой динозавры убрали мое имя!

00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,711

«Оскар» закончился.

00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:08,837

Где мои ключи?

00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,089

Проклятье! Нужно починить

портальные перемещения.

00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:13,342

Этим я и займусь. Уже в процессе.

00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:17,763

Наш последний акт доброты.

00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:21,016

Для меня было честью служить

святости жизни вместе со всеми вами.

00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,860

- Рик, что ты делаешь?

- Стою здесь с вами, ребята.

00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,571

Не нужно этого делать.

Мы тут приносим себя в жертву.

00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:35,823

Тогда я тоже.

00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:38,408

Будь проклят Илон Маск.

Мы взорвем Марс.

00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:40,744

Нет, мы делаем это из бескорыстия.

00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:42,371

А ты - из мелочности.

00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,623

Как понять разницу?

00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:46,792

Считайте это игрой в добродетель.

00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,924

Ладно. Если ты не уйдешь,

мы заставим тебя уйти.

00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:58,846

Извините, я защитил свою технологию

от динозавров вам назло, что еще раз

00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,390

доказывает: самоотверженность

и эгоизм - две стороны одной медали.

00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:02,891

Тогда в чём смысл?

00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:16,405

Я не против того, что вы встретите свою

смерть на Марсе. Со старым придурком.

00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:25,706

- Отлично! С возвращением!

- Ты противный мелкий ублюдок.

00:19:25,789 --> 00:19:26,790

Да, но зато вы живы.

00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:29,251

Нечего разводить самоубийства

в моей галактике.

00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,296

Нельзя быть настолько умными,

чтобы отдалиться от всех.

00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:34,756

Говорю как богосущество

другим богосуществам: не благодарите.

00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:37,509

Ну, раз уж мы делаем

друг другу одолжения…

00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,679

Эй. Постойте. Что вы делаете?

00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:47,853

Вы заделали мою трещину?

Ах вы, гребаные лицемерные петухи!

00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:49,229

Это было канонично и всё такое!

00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:51,315

Мы могли бы

использовать эту штуку целый сезон,

00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,901

ну или хотя бы три серии подряд.

00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,277

Извини, но в этом все мы.

00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,739

Мы любим помогать,

как богосущества богосуществу.

00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,408

Я правда собирался ее исправить!

00:20:06,663 --> 00:20:07,956

Чёрт! Они возвращаются.

00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:12,211

Можно включить кондиционер?

На улице градусов пятьсот.

00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:17,341

Да! Новый подписчик с ником

«крипто-для-босых-пальцев-ног»?

00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,593

Не уверена, что понимаю,

но звучит как бизнес.

00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:21,637

- Горжусь тобой, дорогая.

- Папа в порядке?

00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:24,640

Да. Я как раз пишу свою вторую книгу.

00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:28,352

Не знаю, о чём она будет,

но могу сказать вам одно - название.

00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:31,396

«Джерри Смит представляет:

книга Джерри Смита».

00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,482

Глава первая.

00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:38,320

Твою мать!

00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:42,032

Морти, тащи свою задницу в гараж!

00:20:48,121 --> 00:20:50,874

Смотри: измерение,

где шляпы носят людей.

00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,962

Я сделал это!

Я исправил портал путешествий!

00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:57,547

- Вот чёрт!

- Думаю, мой мальчик заслужил отпуск.

00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:58,966

- Мир сисек!

- Чертовски верно.

00:20:59,049 --> 00:20:59,883

МИР СИСЕК!

00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:01,677

- И неделя ареол!

- Ладно!

00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,471

- Старая добрая портальная забава!

- Ага. Вот так.

00:21:05,263 --> 00:21:07,808

- Классические эпизоды, Морти!

- Меня вырвет, Рик!

00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:10,269

Портал туда, крушение хрени,

портал обратно, Морти!

00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:11,895

Господи. Приключения, Морти.

00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:14,272

Общественное высказывание,

грубые персонажи!

00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,900

Ну вот, время Рика и Морти!

00:21:49,182 --> 00:21:50,600

Здесь теперь наш дом.

00:21:50,684 --> 00:21:52,561

Проживем остаток наших дней здесь

00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,480

и никогда больше не будем

вмешиваться в судьбу Вселенной.

00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,024

Мы довольны.

00:21:57,107 --> 00:22:00,110

- Это был хороший забег.

- Кстати, о хорошем забеге:

00:22:00,193 --> 00:22:01,945

бьюсь об заклад,

я могу сделать свич-хил на скейте,

00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:05,073

большой переворот, тре флип,

рельс 5-0, спуск в боул,

00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:07,784

крайст-эйр… И тогда мы все

разобьемся на хрен.

00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:09,494

Давай, Игуанодон.

00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:10,704

Дробление камней

00:22:10,787 --> 00:22:12,539

Нолли хабба

00:22:12,622 --> 00:22:14,041

Гуфифут, кикфлип

00:22:14,124 --> 00:22:15,584

Позаботьтесь о молодняке на скейтбордах

00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:18,462

Но ты плохой маленький мальчик-динозавр

00:22:18,545 --> 00:22:21,923

И ты гниешь почем зря в кратере

Так давай пошумим

00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:26,428

СВЕТЛОЙ ПАМЯТИ МАЙКА МЕНДЕЛА

00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:29,389

Перевод субтитров: Татьяна Грачева

00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:53,310

ПОРОХ, АНІМЕ-ПОДУШКИ В ПОВНИЙ ЗРІСТ,

ПРЕЗИДЕНТИ-ЗНАМЕНИТОСТІ, ФІТНЕС-ДЖАЗ

00:04:46,530 --> 00:04:47,910

ДИНОЗАВРИ ЗАПРАВЛЯЮТЬ УСІМ

00:04:47,910 --> 00:04:50,950

Зуніцератопс

00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,290

У НАС НЕСТАЧА НЕСТАЧ

00:04:52,370 --> 00:04:55,200

БЕЗКОШТОВНІ РЕЧІ, БЕЗКОШТОВНІ

ФРУКТИ, БЕЗКОШТОВНЕ УСЕ. Криолофозавр

00:04:55,330 --> 00:04:56,890

Бемпіраптор

00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:59,400

Еректопус. БАР НІЯКИЙ, БЕЗКОШТОВНА

ЇЖА УСІ РОБОТИ СКАСОВАНО

00:04:59,490 --> 00:05:01,450

УСІ ХОЛОДИЛЬНИКИ ДОВЕРХУ

ЗАПОВНЕНІ. ЖОДНИХ АКЦІЙ!

00:05:01,650 --> 00:05:04,510

Дракорекс гоґвартський

00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,240

СТОВІДСОТКОВЕ

БЕЗРОБІТТЯ! Ґоджірозавр

00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,140

НАМ ТУПО НЕМА НА ЩО СКАРЖИТИСЬ

00:05:12,810 --> 00:05:15,230

ОСТАННІЙ ЗАГОЛОВОК!

ДРУКАРНІ СУМУЮТЬ!

00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:18,710

Це усе справжні назви динозаврів

00:05:18,780 --> 00:05:20,450

ПЕРШЕ ПЕРЕКОТИПОЛЕ У ВАШИНҐТОНІ

00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,000

ВСЯКЕ

00:06:23,090 --> 00:06:24,630

ЗАБУТІ ШТУКИ(2)

00:06:25,090 --> 00:06:27,230

ПАНДОЧКИ ПАДАЮТЬ // ЗМІЯ В МІНІСПІДНИЦІ

СУТУЛА ПСИНА

00:06:28,090 --> 00:06:29,930

ЗАБУТІ ШТУКИ

00:06:30,930 --> 00:06:33,410

МАНУСКРИПТ_СУПЕР_ПУПЕР _ОСТАННЯ ВЕРСІЯ

00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,660

НАЙКРАЩИЙ СПОСІБ – І НЕ

НАМАГАТИСЯ. АВТОР: ДЖЕРРІ СМІТ

00:06:46,530 --> 00:06:48,000

БАР-БУ-КЮ

БУ ШАРИТЬ У РЕБЕРЦЯХ

00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:27,690

У ТЕБЕ ДИНО-ПРЕСІЯ?

00:11:15,510 --> 00:11:17,850

ТАМОРУС-ЛАЙТ

00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:34,700

РОНКОНКОМА

00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:13,220

ВИЯВЛЕНО РОЗУМНЕ ЖИТТЯ

00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,240

КОНФЕРЕНЦІЯ З ДИНОЗАВРАМИ

00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:50,310

НАЙКРАЩИЙ СПОСІБ – І НЕ НАМАГАТИСЯ

00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:19,460

ПОШУМИМО

00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,900

Корпорація «Ексон» з виливами нафти

УТОПІЯ ЗАНЕПАЛА

00:15:44,980 --> 00:15:46,020

Вибух у Чорнобилі

00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:47,670

Азбест у Монтані ЗНОВУ

ДЕФІЦИТ ФРУКТІВ

00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,870

НЕ ЛАГОДЬТЕ НЕЗЛАМАНЕ, І

ЗЛАМАНЕ ТЕЖ НЕ ЛАГОДЬТЕ

00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:51,960

Діабет другого типу

00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,600

Платформа «Діпвотер» підірвалась

ЗЛОЧИННІСТЬ ВИРОСЛА НА 1000%

00:15:57,370 --> 00:15:59,650

Великий острів зі сміття

ЩАСТЯ НА ДНІ – ТАМ ЙОМУ І МІСЦЕ

00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,380

І бджоли вимирають

ВУЛИЦЯ ЛІНКОЛЬНА

00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:05,620

Пиздуйте й здохніть, кляті динозаври

00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:08,170

АЛЕЯ ДИНОЗАВРІВ

ДИНОЗАВРИ – ВІДСТІЙ

00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,259

And in weird things in space news,

00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,386

that mysterious "rift"

is still there.

00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:13,263

Not gone yet.

You remember that, don't you?

00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,514

[ Groans ]

00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:14,514

It's probably important.

00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:15,807

Back to you, Tabitha.

00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,517

Rick, Mom's working,

and Dad's still sleeping.

00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:18,643

I'm-- I'm--

I'm gonna be late.

00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:20,603

Yeah, yeah. [ Burps ]

I-I got you.

00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:21,980

Here.

Holy shit.

00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,648

I-Is the portal gun

working again?

00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:24,983

Yeah, pretty much.

00:00:25,942 --> 00:00:27,235

[ Roars ]

00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:28,361

Sometimes that happens.

00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:31,531

[ Spray hissing ]

[ Shrieking ]

00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:33,408

Just get the keys.

00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:36,870

It's actually been nice

taking a break

00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,288

from

the portal travel stuff.

00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:40,290

I-I've been racking up a lot

of high-school adventures.

00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,250

I have a process, Morty.

Huh?

00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:44,377

I'm fixing my portal gun,

and every time you bring it up,

00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:45,879

it blocks

my creative flow.

00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,964

A-And then I'm forced

to take longer on purpose

00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:49,466

just to train you

to not bring it up.

00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,301

Geez. Do you know

what "projection" is?

00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,761

Do you?

No.

00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,429

I-I-I heard Mom use it.

00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:55,472

[ School bell rings ]

00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,307

Lord, no.

He's here again?

00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,017

Morty protocol, children.

00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:59,017

[ Students scream ]

00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,852

Oh, what's it now?

00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,604

Brain bugs?

Space worms?

00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:03,980

Have I been

"The Faculty'd" again?

00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:06,191

You guys don't have to react

like this every day.

00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:09,569

Last time, the aliens made me

lick all the toilet seats.

00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:10,737

That's right--

made me.

00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,071

I see that look

on your faces.

00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:13,531

[ Rumbling, students screaming ]

00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:15,617

What did you do,

ya tiny monster?

00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:16,910

This isn't me.

00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,328

[ Ominous music plays ]

00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:24,334

{\an8}♪

00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,752

{\an8}The people demand to know--

00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:28,171

{\an8}Do these visitors come in peace?

00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,465

{\an8}But first,

"Peter's Pizza Corner."

00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:32,091

{\an8}What slice we reviewing

today, Petey?

00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:33,593

{\an8}Cheese.

00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:38,807

{\an8}♪

00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,558

If these aliens want Earth,

00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:42,477

they'll have to go

through Egypt.

00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:45,230

And they can ask mummies

how that goes.

00:01:47,857 --> 00:01:49,776

Mummy mia!

00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:56,282

{\an8}♪

00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,034

Dinosaurs are back?

00:01:58,034 --> 00:02:00,703

Monkeys went bald?

00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:09,587

{\an8}♪

00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:27,438

{\an8}♪

00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:36,155

{\an8}♪

00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:37,282

{\an8}[ Feedback whines ]

00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:38,449

{\an8}[ Man clears throat ]

00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:38,449

{\an8}Man: Shh!

00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,034

{\an8}Before we start...

00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,703

{\an8}where are the rest of...

00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:43,162

{\an8}us?

00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,289

{\an8}Uh...

00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:45,665

{\an8}They died. Uh...

00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:47,000

{\an8}Long time ago.

00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,794

{\an8}Way before us.

We didn't see nothin'.

00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:54,048

{\an8}But surely our ancestors must

have left some evidence behind.

00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,051

{\an8}Why is he nervous?

00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,845

{\an8}[ Grunts ]

[ Feedback whines ]

00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:02,640

{\an8}Because, uh,

you're dinosaurs.

00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,058

{\an8}It's weird.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:06,227

{\an8}Thought you were dead.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:10,815

{\an8}Moving on, we "dinosaurs"

evolved here on Earth

00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:14,027

{\an8}until our technology

was planetarily harmonic.

00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,612

{\an8}That being the goal

00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:17,614

{\an8}with technology.

00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:20,366

{\an8}After we achieved perfect

balance with Mother Earth,

00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:23,202

{\an8}our best and bravest left

to help other planets.

00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:26,122

{\an8}Over millions of years,

we've called many worlds home

00:03:26,122 --> 00:03:28,041

{\an8}and helped

each one flourish.

00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,043

{\an8}Imagine our surprise

upon returning home

00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:34,797

{\an8}to find our species extinct

and Earth now in the care of...

00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,132

{\an8}you guys.

00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:38,927

{\an8}When we left,

you were basically squirrels.

00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,137

{\an8}Well, uh,

we've come a long way,

00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,681

{\an8}and we-- We've buried

a lot more than nuts.

00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:46,225

{\an8}We've evolved past

nonconstructive criticism,

00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,561

{\an8}so let's agree

you've done your best.

00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:49,938

{\an8}You're still alive.

00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:52,190

{\an8}But surely there was some point

between gunpowder

00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,400

{\an8}and something called

Amazon Prime

00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:55,652

{\an8}that you folks

had to think,

00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,904

{\an8}"Are we supposed to be

running a planet?

00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:58,988

{\an8}Wouldn't we rather make...

00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,239

{\an8}Marvel movies?"

00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:01,741

{\an8}How many Marvel movies

have you made?

00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,618

{\an8}29,

and 14 more on the way.

00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:05,161

{\an8}See, you love doing that.

00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:07,622

{\an8}And we love helping new

life-forms get their footing.

00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:11,459

{\an8}So now that we're back, we can

respectfully take it from here.

00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:13,169

{\an8}Now, hold on.

If you've seen "Endgame,"

00:04:13,169 --> 00:04:14,796

{\an8}you know invasion

is not something

00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,089

{\an8}Earth takes lying down.

00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,590

{\an8}This is not an invasion.

00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,927

{\an8}Besides, wouldn't you like

to lie down?

00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,054

{\an8}Ugh.

You must be exhausted.

00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:25,264

{\an8}Put your feet up,

get more tattoos,

00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,308

{\an8}finish rounding out

this "Ant-Man" character.

00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,894

{\an8}Think of it like your Earth

concept of "vacation,"

00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,187

{\an8}except permanent.

00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:32,855

{\an8}I think I speak

for all world leaders

00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,941

{\an8}when I say that the poor people

would just murder us

00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,484

{\an8}if we made you leave, so...

00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:40,029

{\an8}[Clears throat]

welcome home, dinosaurs.

00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,198

{\an8}Man: Oh.

I could use a vacation.

00:04:42,198 --> 00:04:44,409

{\an8}Should we nuke them?

00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:44,409

{\an8}I'm on vacation, Curtis.

00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,411

{\an8}Well, you leaned into this fast.

00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,787

{\an8}♪

00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:51,916

♪ Zuniceratops ♪

00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,211

♪ Elvisaurus ♪

00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:57,755

♪ Bambiraptor ♪

00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,133

♪ Erectopus ♪

00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:04,470

♪ Dracorex hogwartsia ♪

00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:07,974

♪ Gojirasaurus ♪

00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,101

♪ Vulcanodon ♪

00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:11,853

♪ Sauroniops ♪

00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:15,898

♪ Phuwiangosaurus ♪

00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:20,570

♪ Those are

real dinosaur names ♪

00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:22,697

[ Sighs ]

00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,533

[ Buzzing ]

00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:28,411

Ugh. I can't even pretend

to feel useful in a game.

00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,246

This is how humanity's

story ends?

00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:32,457

Relieved of duty and sat

at the kids' table?

00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,000

I gotta respect

these dinosaurs.

00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,585

They dominated

a whole species

00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:38,087

just by calling its bluff

about wanting more free time.

00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,338

They didn't even dominate us

00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,798

because we're not worth

a fight to them.

00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,425

We've become

biological Tyler Perry movies.

00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,677

All they've done is help.

00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:44,677

We didn't need their help.

00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:45,928

We were not the problem.

00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:48,431

This house recycles.

00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:50,892

They sort it at

the trash facility.

00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,727

What the "F"?

My dance videos

00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,228

are getting,

like, zero likes now.

00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,773

Oh, yeah. The dinos

kicked pedophiles off TikTok.

00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:58,357

Great.

So now I'm broke?

00:05:58,441 --> 00:05:59,859

You don't need money anymore.

00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:00,985

So what's this for

now?

00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,695

Phone calls? Ugh.

00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:04,113

Oh, c'mon, Dad.

You don't hate this, too?

00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,240

Why would I? I-I was

already doing what I wanted.

00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:07,533

I do think

it's kind of funny

00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:09,994

that you're all basically

Jerry now.

00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:11,829

Fuck.

00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,456

Jerry,

how do you do it?

00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:16,417

- Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?

- How do you do it, Dad?

00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,544

Huh?

Together: How do you do it?

00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:20,505

It's finally happened.

00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:23,382

{\an8}[ Mouse clicks ]

00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:27,220

{\an8}[ Mouse clicks ]

00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,055

{\an8}[ Mouse clicking ]

00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:34,018

{\an8}[ Mouse clicks ]

00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:36,729

[ Laughs ]

00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,064

All right.

00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:41,150

Does anyone know how to

mail things to publishers?

00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,276

[ Pager beeps ]

00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:43,778

Uhp.

President only pages me

00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:46,280

if it's an emergency

or he needs Molly.

00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:50,159

[ Slurping ]

00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,328

I'm sure glad

you stayed open, Beau.

00:06:52,328 --> 00:06:53,371

Wish we could pay,

00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:55,498

but no more capitalism.

[ Chuckles ]

00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:58,501

I never make ribs

for the money, Mr. President.

00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,795

Oh, um, here ya go.

00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,088

That's not why I called.

00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,756

Drugs can't solve

this problem.

00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,091

I can't live

like this anymore.

00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,009

At first it was fun

spending all day

00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,678

watching whatever

YouTube autoplays

00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,096

after the last

one autoplayed,

00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,431

but a man can only watch

so many ads for Grammarly.

00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:13,599

Rick. Please.

00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:15,017

You're not bound

by morality.

00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:16,853

Get rid of them.

Slit their necks.

00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,188

Zero Dark Thirty these fuckers

for the good of the species.

00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,190

I won't tell.

Help us go back to the old days,

00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,192

where we pretend to fix

the problems we caused.

00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,443

You think

I'm gonna side with you

00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,695

over

hyper-intelligent creatures

00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,613

operating way beyond

your comprehension?

00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:29,448

I have more in common

with them than you.

00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,492

You pompous

autistic cadaver!

00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:33,494

You think you're above this?

I ought to...

00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:34,954

Look here, Mr. President.

00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,206

When I need my ribs

to be tender and delicious,

00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,457

I pamper them.

00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,960

See, if you give someone

what they want,

00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,753

they'll give you

what you need.

00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,338

I'm jus' saying.

00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:45,715

I see your point, Beau.

00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:47,216

All right, Rick.

Ha ha.

00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,759

Name your price.

[ Gasps ]

00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:50,678

- Aw, crap.

- God damn it.

00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:52,430

How often are you

"Westworld-ing" me?

00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:55,766

Hang on. Rib-tips jammed

his folk-chip again.

00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,226

Ol' reliable Rick.

00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,853

Always k-knows what to do.

00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:00,396

What do you want, Rick?

00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:00,396

Trustworthy.

00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:01,981

I won't stoop to answering

that again. Honest.

00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:03,482

You know exactly what I want.

00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,526

I can't just snap my fingers

and get you that job.

00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,195

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks for lunch.

00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,321

Fine. Fine!

00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,989

If you get rid

of the dinosaurs...

00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,407

you can host the Oscars.

00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:13,117

Yes!

00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:13,117

Righteous R-Rick.

00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:14,702

Straight shootin',

t-truth-tellin',

00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:17,622

never wets the bed.

00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:20,166

{\an8}♪

00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,375

Goodbye, old friends.

00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,211

May you rest in peace,

00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,338

rather than the tank

of an S.U.V.

00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,673

Hello,

fellow cosmic voyagers.

00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,008

Can we help you?

00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,801

Actually, I can

probably help you.

00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:33,387

See, I'm technically human,

but I've come to be more,

00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:34,805

you know, on your level.

00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,057

We're fine,

thank you.

00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,391

Maybe I'm being

too indirect.

00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:39,310

I happen to dabble

in multiversal travel,

00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,812

and I could probably zap

you guys to an alternate Earth.

00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:45,191

We used portal travel eons ago,

but evolved to a one-universe,

00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:48,527

one-truth policy as

the highest form of existence.

00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,529

Sort of a "put

your own oxygen mask on

00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,865

before helping others"

type of a thing.

00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:54,367

Have you been on a plane?

00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,952

Yes,

I've been on a plane.

00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,746

We have no problem

if you jump dimensions.

00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:01,666

Although we sense your gateway

device is suboptimal.

00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:03,543

Let us help.

00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,543

I don't need help.

00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,919

I-I'm here to help you.

00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,629

What the hell is this?

00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,047

A "Portal Pistol."

00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:10,299

The gateways are see-through,

not a green swirl,

00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,218

so now you can see

where you're going.

00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,344

Clever girl.

00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:14,762

If you'd like,

we could patch up

00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:16,264

your little interdimensional

rift too.

00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:18,307

No, leave it.

I know how to close that.

00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,059

That's there for a reason.

Very canonical.

00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:21,560

Don't you

just want it closed?

00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:22,853

Morty,

whose team are you on?!

00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:25,606

It's normal to be frustrated. Here.

00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:27,650

Oh, my God, are you

fucking kidding me?

00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:28,818

Goodbye.

No. Wait.

00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,945

What the fuuuuu...

00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:35,116

Aah! Dr. Manhattan high-road

assholes teleporting me?

00:09:31,028 --> 00:09:35,116

Ah! I saw my bones!

00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,659

Why--

Why wasn't that painful?

00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:38,744

They didn't even do it right.

My-- My-- My fly is down.

00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,621

Your fly

was already down.

00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,498

What are you doing

with that?

00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:43,624

Rick,

it was a better--

00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,084

Nothing from them

is better.

00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:47,461

That thing had uptight Zen

snob germs all over it.

00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:48,921

So, what, now you're

gonna fight them?

00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,423

And prove we're violent

and stupid?

00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,258

No. We're gonna find out

what they're hiding.

00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,510

Only people who have really

fucked up in the past

00:09:54,510 --> 00:09:55,678

have to virtue signal

this hard.

00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,221

Look at Sean Penn.

But, Rick,

00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,598

aren't these feelings, like,

what they're talking about?

00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,183

Like, life gets, um...

00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:04,312

"programmed for competition

by early stages of evolution."

00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,439

Like, amoebas have to

fight amoebas for energy,

00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:09,275

but once a species can get

enough sugar from a machine

00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,651

to give itself diabetes,

00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,695

it's allowed to start

thinking beyond conflict.

00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:15,197

I mean, it's all

in their pamphlet.

00:10:16,365 --> 00:10:17,575

Morty, you're a genius.

00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,702

I clearly mean that

in the '90s ironic sense,

00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,871

but this self-fellating zine

is a treasure map

00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:24,790

to every fossilized bone

in their skeleton closet.

00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,334

They're gonna call us

Laura Dern

00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:29,045

because we're about to get

elbow deep in dino doo-doo.

00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:30,338

Get it, Morty?

The gloves?

00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:31,505

You-- You remember

the big gloves?

00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:33,090

Yeah, no,

I get it, Rick.

00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:34,800

I said "clever girl" earlier.

You didn't even react.

00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:35,968

I was angry.

00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:41,766

{\an8}♪

00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:45,728

Um, I'm looking for a few

of my, uh, friends.

00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,438

Hmm.

Kinda look like the Skullfeet

00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,565

that used to live

on our planet way before us.

00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,817

They're long gone now.

Really?

00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,486

They're extinct here, too?

Yeah.

00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,946

We keep their bones

in that museum over there.

00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,990

{\an8}Um, wow.

00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,575

{\an8}These guys aren't

gonna be much help.

00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:01,118

{\an8}The leading theory

is, the Skullfeet

00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:04,205

stepped on their own brains

so much they straight-up died.

00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,582

Such a shame. Would have loved

to hear them sing.

00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:07,917

Sing?

Yeah.

00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,668

We figured they used to hold

huge outdoor concerts

00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:10,795

in their

land amphitheater.

00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:12,004

You people are idiots.

00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:12,004

Hey.

00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:13,422

We didn't have much

to go by.

00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,007

Bones aren't big

on conversation.

00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:17,093

Yeah, neither are you, pal.

00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:20,554

{\an8}The majestic Basketsaur.

Aren't they incredible?

00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:23,432

{\an8}We're even making a series

of increasingly terrible movies

00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,351

{\an8}about cloning them

in a theme park.

00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:27,603

So what happened to them?

00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:27,603

No idea.

00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:30,147

But we do know they all loved

eating communal soup

00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:31,982

out of

the Great Dirt Bowl.

00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,610

Starting to see

a pattern here.

00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,278

Breathtaking, aren't they?

00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,323

It's a common misconception

that they roamed our planet.

00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:40,950

The truth is, they rolled.

00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,576

{\an8}Street-style mostly.

00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:43,828

{\an8}Some vert.

Lemme guess.

00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:46,288

There's a very large,

deep circular indentation

00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,958

in which these "Grindasaurs"

used to shred.

00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:51,752

We think they had

a second brain in their butt

00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,587

dedicated

to pulling 1080s.

00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,464

Three planets visited

by dinosaurs,

00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,633

three apocalyptic

meteor impacts.

00:11:57,633 --> 00:11:58,884

Gi-- Gi--

Gimme the board.

00:11:58,968 --> 00:11:59,969

I'm dropping in for data.

00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,554

Aah!

00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:01,554

Rick!

00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,389

That's the hardest thing

in skateboarding.

Oh! Ow!

00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,600

It looked so easy on--

aah-- "Pro Skater 3."

00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:07,726

Oww.

00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:08,978

[ Grunts ]

00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:10,396

Hello.

00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:13,607

Jackpot, Morty.

00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,401

You still think the dinosaurs

got something to hide?

00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,695

No, Morty, they have

a reason to hide.

00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,989

Come here,

ya little whippersnapper.

00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,989

No, Rick, stop!

00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:22,158

C'mere, Morty.

Come on, gimme a hug.

00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,158

No, don't touch me.

Your hands are greasy.

00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,826

{\an8}What's the matter

with you?

00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,912

{\an8}It's become clear your species

is having a hard time

00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,540

adjusting to

its reduced accountability.

00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:33,461

Our solution is to hold these

regular keynotes, or talks,

00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:36,046

which you used to launch

new phones and religions.

00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:38,549

Uhp, I see someone's eager

to speak.

00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:41,635

Hi. Um, what do you do

when you want to kill yourself?

00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:43,971

You don't do that.

Thank you for asking, though.

00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:45,473

Ver-- Very important.

00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:48,225

We recently discovered a new

piece of human literature

00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,186

that we think

everyone should read.

00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:53,606

Holy shit!

I'm a famous author!

00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:54,940

Wait, where's my name?

00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:58,611

We will distribute it

to everyone on Earth tomorrow.

00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,155

Excuse me. Aren't you gonna say

who wrote it?

00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:04,158

Nope. Whoever wrote it

must be above needing credit.

00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:06,952

It's all here in this book

that belongs to everyone.

00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:08,287

For free.

00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:10,289

You Communist lizard

scumbags!

00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:11,373

I wrote that.

00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:12,833

Me, Jerry Smith!

00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:15,419

[ Air horn blows,

up-tempo music plays ]

00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:17,254

Hey, hey, hey!

00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:23,427

{\an8}♪

00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:26,555

Guess what.

Dinosaurs are not secretly evil,

00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,474

and they're not out

to cause anybody trouble,

00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:31,644

but it turns out trouble

has a way of following them.

00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,730

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

It's showtime.

00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:36,815

{\an8}Literally every planet

with dinosaurs on it

00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,984

{\an8}is eventually smashed

by a huge space rock

00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,445

{\an8}that takes out them

and most existing life.

00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:42,988

{\an8}What?

That can't be true.

00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:44,573

{\an8}It's all right

to be frustrated.

00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:45,824

{\an8}Let me explain.

00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,786

{\an8}Why would planet-killing meteors

follow dinosaurs?

00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:51,372

{\an8}As these reptiles evolved

to higher and higher levels

00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:53,082

{\an8}of loving vegan godhood,

00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,960

{\an8}another life-form devolved

into an equally selfless,

00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,921

{\an8}hate-filled species

of barely sentient rocks.

00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,131

They hurtle through space

and do as much damage

00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,009

as they can to their chosen

enemy, which is guess who.

00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,761

{\an8}Yup,

everywhere these dinos go,

00:14:05,761 --> 00:14:07,805

{\an8}these rocks,

they come a-crashing.

00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:08,973

{\an8}And this one...

00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:10,140

{\an8}[ Muttering]

00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:13,018

{\an8}...is headed

directly towards us.

00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,688

And all of our work?

It was for...

00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,773

Nothing. Bingo.

Welcome to life.

00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:19,275

It's a big boat

with a lot of holes,

00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,609

but we're all in it together.

00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:21,610

- Oh, my.

- Ohhhhh.

00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,529

Mm.

So much death.

00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,698

[ Air horn blares ]

00:14:23,612 --> 00:14:25,698

Congratulations, primates.

00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,117

Looks like Earth could

have done worse.

00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:29,577

Rick out. Oh.

00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:32,705

And don't forget to tune in

to this year's Oscars.

00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:36,584

Well, this is

a-- a lot to take in.

00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:40,504

I like trains now.

00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,172

Okay, that hurt.

00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:44,258

Man: Trains rule!

00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:46,302

Dinos drool!

00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:49,013

And you had no idea about

the disastrous meteors

00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:50,306

that followed in your wake?

00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,099

We just learned about it

like you.

00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:53,684

Truly heartbreaking news.

00:14:53,684 --> 00:14:55,811

But I assume you're gonna

destroy it

00:14:55,811 --> 00:14:57,146

when it arrives here, right?

00:14:57,146 --> 00:15:00,482

Um, we're in the process

of finding a solution

00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,818

that, um, doesn't

involve violence.

00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:05,195

Hold on.

You're in the process?!

00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:06,363

[ Audience

shouting indistinctly ]

00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,740

Well, there you have it, Cooperheads.

00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,825

An angry species of rock

is gonna slam into our--

00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:13,245

sorry-- their planet,

and our new planet runners

00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,414

are weighing

whether to let it happen.

00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:16,832

[ Audience booing ]

00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:20,252

I mean, no one knows if the

meteor species is even real.

00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:21,587

No. It's very real.

00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,672

We all know that.

00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,672

You know what's real?

00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,716

A rear naked choke hold.

I'll show you

00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:26,925

- Hmm?

- What?

00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:30,721

Final question--

How we doing?

00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:33,682

[ Sighs ] We have come

to the conclusion the only way

00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:37,353

to ensure humanity will be safe

is for us to go.

00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,313

We are leaving the planet

for good.

00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:41,357

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:44,860

♪ Exxon spilling the oil ♪

00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:46,278

♪ Chernobyl blowing up ♪

00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:48,656

♪ Asbestos in Montana ♪

00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,199

{\an8}♪ Atlantic City ♪

00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:52,618

{\an8}♪ Type 2 diabetes ♪

00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:57,247

♪ Deepwater deeply blew it ♪

00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:59,917

♪ Giant garbage island ♪

00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:03,337

♪ And all the bees are dying ♪

00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:08,384

♪ Fuck off and die-nosaurs ♪

00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:12,054

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:17,142

Maybe it's the Molly,

but I fucking love you, Rick.

00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,311

It's the Molly.

Isn't this nice?

00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:22,106

Rivalries behind us,

dinos gone,

00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,608

two cool guys

living in the moment.

00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:26,402

So, uh, like, uh

[Clears throat]

00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,945

you know what you're gonna wear?

Because--

00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,571

I can't get another plus-one.

00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:29,571

What?!

00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:31,990

I'm the one who got you the gig,

you son of a bitch!

00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:32,950

I feel this napkin--

00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,743

Feel this napkin.

00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,246

So soft.

00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:41,250

Announcer: This is

the 95th annual Academy Awards.

00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,252

Now, please welcome your host,

00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:46,422

an old science guy

who got rid of the dinosaurs...

00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:49,383

Rick Sanchez.

00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,427

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:54,263

Suck my gray tits

Hollywood pinkos.

00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:55,431

Where's the mic?

00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:56,765

The-- The--

The raising mic?

00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,350

Ha. [ Burps ]

00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,768

Bring it up!

00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:03,313

[ Feedback whines ]

00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:04,523

Tommy.

00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:07,276

Tom Hanks is here.

00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:10,028

C'mon. Do it.

00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,572

Come on.

00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,240

Do ittttt.

00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,534

Okay, okay, one time.

00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:18,203

"Wilson!"

00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:19,705

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:21,623

I'm Oscar host Rick.

00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:25,586

Grandpa Rick,

this is so cool.

00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:27,921

That microphone bit killed.

00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:27,921

Yeah, told you it would.

00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,048

That was all scripted?

00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,632

Every moment

at the Oscars is.

00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:31,967

Even that one thing.

- Ha ha!

00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,761

Look who stole themselves

a swag bag.

00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:36,764

- Ah, fucking Sprinkles coupon!

- We're splitting that.

00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,932

Hey, so I was thinking

it might be funny

00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,559

to add dinosaurs

to the "In Memoriam."

00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:42,019

Eh, it feels beneath us.

00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:43,896

It's funnier that they left

and we don't even care.

00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,982

Oh, yeah, they left, but they

keep begging for attention.

00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,358

You haven't heard?

00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:49,818

The dinos are just standing

up there on Mars

00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,237

with their dicks

in their hands. So dramatic.

00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:55,282

What, they're just gonna let

the meteor hit them a-and die?

00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:58,494

Good. If being superior

to everyone makes you die,

00:17:58,494 --> 00:17:59,953

I call that balance.

00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:02,164

It's all in

my globally published book

00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:04,666

the dinos

stripped my name from!

00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,877

Ugggh.

Oscars are over.

00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:08,670

Where are my keys?

00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,131

God damn it, I need

to fix portal travel.

00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:13,592

And-- And I'm going to.

I have a process.

00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:15,886

{\an8}♪

00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:17,763

Our final act

of kindness.

00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:20,140

It's been an honor serving

the sanctity of life

00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:21,183

with you all.

00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,435

Hee-aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh!

00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,853

[ Muttering ]

00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:29,274

{\an8}♪

00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,526

Rick, what are you doing?

00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,027

Standing here

with you guys.

00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:33,195

You don't want to do that.

00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:34,655

We're sacrificing

ourselves here.

00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,115

Then so am I. Y'know?

00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,450

Elon Musk be damned,

we're blowing up Mars.

00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,744

No.

We're doing something selfless.

00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:42,371

You're doing it

out of pettiness.

00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:44,623

How is anyone supposed

to know the difference?

00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:47,000

Consider it a game

of virtue chicken.

00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:48,293

[ Muttering ]

00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,128

[ Shrieking ]

00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,466

Okay, if you won't go,

we'll make you go.

00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,970

Oh. Sorry. I-I dino-proofed

my tech to spite you guys.

00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,930

Which further proves

selflessness and selfishness

00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:03,141

are two sides of the same coin,

so what's the point?

00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:05,352

[ Muttering ]

00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:09,940

[ Muttering ]

00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:14,236

Fine. Cool with me

that your final chapter

00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,655

is dying on Mars

with an old dickhead.

00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:18,115

[ Muttering ]

00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:19,283

Hyaaaa!

00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,826

Aaaah!

00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,620

All right!

Welcome back.

00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,581

You obnoxious little twat!

00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:26,915

Yeah, but you're alive.

00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,334

No David Foster Wallace-ing

in my galaxy.

00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:30,669

You don't get to be

so smart

00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,212

that you remove yourself

from everybody.

00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:35,048

From one god being to another,

you're welcome.

00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:38,093

Well, as long as we're doing

each other favors...

00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,929

Hey. Wait, wait, wait.

What are you doing?

00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:46,351

You fixed my rift?

00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:47,978

You fucking hypocritical cocks.

00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,521

I-It was all canonical

and shit.

00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,273

We coulda milked that thing

for a whole season.

00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:54,067

O-Or, like, a three-episode arc

at least.

00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,444

Sorry. That's just us.

00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:56,695

We love helping,

00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:59,448

god beings to god being.

00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:01,867

Seriously.

I was gonna fix that.

00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,535

[ Grunts ]

00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:08,624

Shit.

They're coming back.

00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:10,042

Summer:

Can we turn on the A.C.?

00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,628

It's, like,

a thousand degrees outside.

00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,713

[ Gasps ] Yes!

New follower.

00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:17,424

Named...

CryptoForBareToes?

00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,801

Not sure I get it,

but sounds like business.

00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:20,802

Proud of you, honey.

00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:21,929

Is Dad okay?

00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:23,472

Yes.

I'm just...

00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:24,723

writing my second book.

00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:26,099

I don't know

what it's gonna be about,

00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,393

but I can tell you

one thing-- The title is

00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:32,147

"Jerry Smith Presents:

A Book by Jerry Smith."

00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:34,149

Chapter one...

00:20:37,235 --> 00:20:38,820

Fuck!

00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:39,988

[ Explosion ]

00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,157

Rick: Morty, get your ass

in the garage!

00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:48,622

Hoo-ha! Check it out.

00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:50,916

A-- A dimension where

hats wear people.

00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:52,918

Mmmmm! Oh!

00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,503

I did it!

I fixed portal travel.

00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:55,921

[ Laughs ] Oh, shit.

00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,673

Figured my guy

deserves a vacation.

00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,174

Boob World!

00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:59,174

You're damn right.

00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:00,425

And it's Areola Week.

00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:01,760

All right!

00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,387

Good old-fashioned

portal fun.

00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:04,638

Yep. Like this.

00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:05,931

Ohh! Whoa!

00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,182

It's gonna be

classic episodes, Morty.

00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,475

Oh, I'm gonna puke, Rick!

00:21:07,265 --> 00:21:08,475

Portaling in.

00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:10,435

Wrecking shit, portaling out, Morty.

00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:11,812

Oh, my Go--

Adventures, Morty.

00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:13,438

Aah! Aah!

Social commentary.

00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:15,357

Crude characters.

Here we go.

[ Screaming ]

00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:17,067

Rick and Morty time!

00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:25,033

{\an8}♪

00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:33,041

{\an8}♪

00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:40,924

{\an8}♪

00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:48,849

{\an8}♪

00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:50,559

This is our home now.

00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,561

We shall live out the rest

of our days here.

00:21:52,561 --> 00:21:55,689

Never interfering with the ways

of the universe again.

00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:57,274

We are content.

00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:58,567

It was a good run.

00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:00,235

Speaking of a good run...

00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:02,029

I bet I could switch heel

onto that manny pad,

00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,322

big spinout,

tre flip that gap, 5-0 the rail,

00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:06,366

drop into the bowl,

stalefish into a Christ Air,

00:22:06,450 --> 00:22:07,826

and then we get

fucking wrecked.

00:22:07,826 --> 00:22:09,619

Ho-ho.

It's on, Iguanadon.

00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:11,121

♪ Grinding some rocks ♪

00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:12,622

♪ Nollie the hubba ♪

00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:15,625

♪ Goofy foot, kickflip,

take care of the groms ♪

00:22:15,709 --> 00:22:18,170

♪ But you're

a bad little dino boy ♪

00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:20,213

♪ And you're rotting

in a crater ♪

00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,174

♪ So now let's make some noise ♪

00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:25,302

{\an8}Did you get any of that?