Пункт назначджеррия

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ПОДПИСАТЬСЯ

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МАМА

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ЗАКРЫТО

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ДЛЯ ПЕРСОНАЛА

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ОТ МАМЫ: ВОЗЬМИ...

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...ТРУБКУ

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ОСТОРОЖНО НА ДОРОГЕ

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«Я ВСЕМ НРАВЛЮСЬ»

«УЛЫБНИСЬ, СЕГОДНЯ ПРЕКРАСНЫЙ ДЕНЬ»

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КОНТРОЛЬ НАД ОГНЁМ

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КОНТРОЛЬ НАД ВОДОЙ

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ХОДЬБА ПО СТЕНАМ

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НЕУБИВАЕМЫЙ

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«ДЖЕРРИ НЕ ТРАХНЕТ МАТЬ»

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СПАСИБО

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«ВАС ЖДЁТ НОВЫЙ ДРУГ»

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ПАМЯТИ МАЙКА МЕНДЕЛЯ

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and before you say that sounded racist,

you can ask the waiter how they say it.

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It's Panda Express, honey.

The waiter’s from Portland.

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Alright who the hell changed my ringtone

to the theme from Taxi?

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It's a new thing on Taxi Tok,

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that's a subculture on TikTok of kids

who decided the theme from Taxi slaps.

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Now you have to play the Taxi theme

for ten people while I film it.

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I don't have to do shit, that's dumb.

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It raises awareness for leukemia.

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So. Who else is excited

for the zoo tomorrow?

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Zoos are my favorite kind

of non-water park.

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It's just a shame that they both

give you diarrhea.

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You only get diarrhea at the zoo

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if you eat the food you're supposed

to feed to the animals.

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- Which you've done, twice.

- They put it in gumball machines.

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You know Fortune Cookies only come true

if you eat the cookie first.

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Alright. ''Hard work often pays off?''

Lame.

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''Family time is time well spent.''

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OK, that's not only empty,

it's been disproven.

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OK, mine says,

''Family time is time well...''

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Man I got the same one.

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What's your stupid twenty first century

watered down fortune cookie say, Dad?

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''You will have sex with your mother.''

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{\an8}Fortune cookies aren't legitimate, right?

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{\an8}Jerry, are you seriously asking if I think

you're gonna have sex with your mom?

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{\an8}No, I wanted to ask if it's okay with you

if I make myself throw up the cookie.

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{\an8}If it makes you feel better

and you can do it quietly, yes,

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{\an8}but don't hand that advice down to Summer.

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{\an8}Can't do it. Sleepy Gary ruined

my Gag reflex,

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{\an8}which is frustrating because

Sleepy Gary wasn't real.

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{\an8}Neither are fortune cookies.

Go to sleep, Jerry.

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{\an8}I know they're not real.

It’s just, why is it so specific?

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{\an8}And why are three of the numbers

a few numbers off from my Mom's birthday?

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{\an8}- Can we investigate this, Rick?

- It’s not an X-file, Jerry,

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{\an8}you got the world's last

interesting fortune

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{\an8}Dad, can you explain to TikTok

what's going on with your mom?

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{\an8}Summer, no social videoing.

What if Mi-Maw sees it?

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{\an8}We can't let her know

this is a thing that might happen.

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{\an8}- Might?

- She's calling again.

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{\an8}- She doesn't usually call this much.

- Because you don't usually ghost her

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{\an8}because you don't usually decide

you’re at risk of...

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{\an8}What if she's calling me

to tell me I'm adopted?

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{\an8}Well, yeah, then you should

definitely hit that.

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{\an8}- That's not funny!

- Jerry, you're making it funny

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{\an8}by taking it seriously.

And none of us will be laughing

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{\an8}if you let this ruin our zoo trip.

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{\an8}Rick. Can you use science

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{\an8}- to make it impossible for me to...

- Jerry, you're insulting science.

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{\an8}And as the most powerful man

in the universe,

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{\an8}if I create technology to prevent

a random occurrence,

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{\an8}I'll end up making it

more possible than random.

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- When do we leave for the zoo?

- One hour.

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- You have one hour to let go of this.

- I'm already done thinking about it.

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{\an8}Check that out.

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{\an8}No!

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{\an8}Let me out! Let me out!

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{\an8}- You have ten seconds.

- I want to go.

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{\an8}You know of my love for the zoo.

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{\an8}- Why are you dressed like Morty?

- Because Morty's mom is Beth.

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{\an8}I'm not unpacking that.

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{\an8}Okay, if you think I have this much

patience for the zoo, on Earth,

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{\an8}- you're sorely mistaken.

- Jerry, if you don't come with us

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{\an8}I will be so disappointed

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{\an8}You guys should probably go on

without Jerry. I just took some readings

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on his probability field and this fortune

has some strange powers

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- I'm gonna need to investigate.

- Really? God, I knew it.

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Okay. Well. Be careful, honey.

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Bring me back a handful

of zebra snacks?

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And please take pictures with

my favorite animal, the white tiger.

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- Because they breed via incest?

- Is that true?

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- I knew I was right.

- Not even close.

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I just didn't want to see someone

get bullied into going to a zoo.

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You may be the single dumbest

human I've ever met, Jerry,

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but you still have a right to take

whatever you want seriously.

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Thank you. But if that thing says

I'm not gonna do it with my mom,

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I can go to the zoo.

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Jerry, this thing measures

aberrations in probability waves,

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I didn't even bother to turn it on

because if I did...

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- What?

- Nothing. Don't get weird on me.

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But, since we're free for the afternoon,

you mind doing a quick activity?

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We're gonna disprove this

with efficient brute force.

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These are two shoeboxes, both are empty

but I wrote your mother's name

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- on the inside of one.

- What? God no. If you think for a second

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- I'm gonna put my...

- Good, I didn't wanna do this anyway.

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Fine! Can I just tell you which box

I would put my penis in?

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Saying it seems worse, but okay.

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Alright. I would put my penis

in the box on the right.

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Great, look in the other direction

and I'm gonna switch up the boxes.

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- This feels really low-tech.

- Yeah, cause we're measuring reality.

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I would take out my penis and place

it in the box on the right.

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Again.

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- I would put my penis...

- Jerry, you don't have

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to say penis every time,

just left or right

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- This was your idea.

- I didn't think it'd go on this long.

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- Okay, penis, Left.

- Keep going.

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Right.

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Left.

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- Right.

- Jerry are you fucking peeking?

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Tell me what's going on.

You're scaring me.

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Okay, I'm just as likely to shit a balloon

as I am to become a dolphin.

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Those are things that could happen?

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Jerry, everything is as likely

as anything else.

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Which is why it's weird

that you're at all likely to...

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To what? To what?

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Jerry, has your mother

been leaving messages?

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- Three texts. I'm afraid to read them.

- Read them.

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She's asking if she can come visit.

Why would she want that?

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Jerry, I'm gonna tell you something

I've never told anyone.

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We need to go to Panda Express.

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If these guys wanted my respect, they

could've just gotten a liquor license.

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Now you think this

has something to do with you?

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Jerry, whoever's behind that fortune

has, like, god powers.

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Of course it has something to do with me,

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what do you think I am in this story,

the father-in-law?

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You guys wanted my attention?

00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,140

Okay, well, now I'm getting mixed signals.

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Stay here, Jerry, time to kick ass.

Gonna need a soundtrack.

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Ship! Favorites playlist, track one!

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Alright, fine, no wrong answers.

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Tell me where you get

your cookies at and we can

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- all walk out of here alive! DEA?

- Fuck you, DEA piece of shit! Cookies?

00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,302

- Fortune cookies.

- You're not here about our gang's

00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,595

- city-wide meth ring?

- What? No.

00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,681

Break the laws,

they shouldn't exist anyway.

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- I am embarrassed.

- Me too.

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- Sorry about these dead guys.

- Comes with the territory.

00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:23,568

- So where do you get your cookies?

- Same distributor as everyone else.

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- That's their truck out back.

- Solid.

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OK, I'm gonna take the truck

in exchange for not turning you in.

00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:38,583

Jeez, how much money can there be

in cookies that you get for free?

00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:43,045

And now we're being retina scanned?

I know! I've got a theory, Jerry.

00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,257

- Good.

- This place is run by Cookie Monster.

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He's really protective about his cookies.

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C'mon man you can't crack a smile?

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Yeah, you're worried about doing it

with your mom. Okay, fair enough.

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Fuckin' cameras everywhere. That cup

is a camera. That tree is a camera.

00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:06,194

- Can you disable them?

- Stealth rule number one:

00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:09,572

turning off 300 cameras draws

more attention than changing outfits.

00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:12,533

Looks like we need to dress for success.

00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:15,536

Eye of Thundara,

give me suits beyond suits.

00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,248

Jerry assistant clothing, make-up.

00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,089

- What the hell was that?

- Reuseable Sailor Moon sequence.

00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,300

If we ever need to show you

becoming my assistant again,

00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,010

we can repeat it and

save lots of money.

00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:41,520

Why does an operation bigger than

the government want me to

00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,022

couple with my mother?

00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:01,499

Bezos, Bill Gates, prime ministers.

00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,459

Weirdly Billy Zane is also here.

00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,046

Hello. You're about to meet me,

Jennith Padrow-Chunt.

00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:10,299

Fifteen years ago, I was living in

my parent’s garage,

00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,177

eating ramen out of a toilet

when I discovered something.

00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:18,349

Fate isn’t fiction. Everything you want

can be yours, if you ask for it.

00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,184

Just ask me.

00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,103

- Hello, me.

- Hello, me.

00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:25,439

Look at me's. Every suit I wear

is virgin white.

00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,985

I sleep on a bed of loose grains,

and begin every morning by dragging

00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:33,197

my perfect vagina across

Chinese silver grass. I'm firm and ripe.

00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:37,410

My mother's plane just landed.

She took a photo at the airport,

00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,662

in front of that Wolfgang Puck

that smells like a kindergarten.

00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,540

Want to know the secret

to how I changed my future?

00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:45,293

- Yes.

- Well, once you're a level seven investor

00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,003

you'll learn that and more.

00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,298

Yeah, we're not getting the answers

we want here. Let's go deeper.

00:09:55,594 --> 00:09:58,055

And now, thanks to your

generous contributions,

00:09:58,139 --> 00:09:59,348

here are this year's cookies.

00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,729

''You will receive a six-point-eight

percent year on year increase'' Very nice.

00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:09,275

''Your talents are appreciated

when you become junior partner.''

00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,445

Holy shit I'm gonna be on

'Dancing with the Stars'!

00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:17,325

- Please, I can get the money. I swear!

- I'm afraid it's too late for that.

00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:19,702

God what does it say?

00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:24,373

Your penis will be mangled by

afrozen yogurt machine at the U.N.!

00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,583

I know that machine!

00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:29,253

This would sound impossible to a layman

but to me it rings inevitable!

00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:33,424

Holy shit. This is real.

They're controlling fate for profit.

00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:36,427

I'm glad you're happy, now can we

blow up the building or something?

00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:39,096

I don't think that's the best way

to take away their power, Jerry.

00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,140

Let's take it in a way

that ends with us having it.

00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,267

- You mean you having it.

- I'll share it.

00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,478

- Then you fuck my mom.

- That's not how it works

00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,438

- and I already have.

- What?

00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,190

Jesus, Jerry, come on.

00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:52,151

How unfortunate.

00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:54,445

Use the emergency fortunes!

00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,323

Fighting Fortunes? They're leveling up.

00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,993

''You'll have great success in a fight''

00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:03,120

I'll be damned

00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,545

Fuck! This both sucks and

is really valuable data!

00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:19,095

- Rick what are you doing?!

- Using you as a human shield!

00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,347

You said it! You said the thing

I thought you were doing!!

00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:27,645

We've got intruders. And one of them

has an unresolved fortune.

00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:33,067

- We need that man's mother.

- Lot of mothers in the world, ma'am.

00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,985

But only one of them is Mrs.

00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,405

God damn it, Smith?

00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:46,664

So are we going to ignore that you

tried to stop bullets using my body?

00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:49,417

You have an unresolved fortune.

Until you have sex with your mom,

00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,420

you're basically immortal. Do you have

any idea how amazing that is?

00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:56,006

You don't even care about me.

You just want fortune cookie power.

00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,635

Okay, Jerry, how about this.

If it comes down to it,

00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:02,138

- I promise I'll put a bullet in her head.

- No!

00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,557

You're right, the fortune didn't say

she'd be alive, did it?

00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,475

- I hate you!

- Hate productive things.

00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,519

Hate crawling through a fucking air vent.

00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:12,690

Those are those weird hex headed screws.

Do your screwdriver fingers...

00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,499

Here you go.

00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,420

Well, at least we have no idea

what's going on.

00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,548

That's a Lockerean.

It's a species that eats chaos.

00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:41,010

But It has a digestive disorder

Its stomach is stripping randomness

00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,554

from spacetime and leaving behind

superdense pockets of energy

00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:46,056

that bend entropy towards

definable outcomes.

00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,726

I mean, that's how fate works.

It's a field, like gravity,

00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:52,021

but instead of pulling small toward big

it pulls unknown toward known.

00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,398

- So we do know what’s going on.

- We know this:

00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,734

everyone that's had a fortune cookie

in the last twenty years

00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:59,737

has eaten this thing's poop.

Fortune cookies are alien poop.

00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,698

These fortunes are so basic.

00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:05,075

Why wouldn't you use this

power to change the world?

00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,912

Or at least get Nintendo

to make a portable VR headset.

00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:11,582

This place ain't for creating

the future, but controlling it.

00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:16,545

Hi, I'm Old. Old M. Hucksbee.

The M. Stands for Man.

00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:20,090

You're an arch little character.

You're the reason fortune cookies suck?

00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:22,092

No, that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.

00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,470

You have to glut the marketplace

with pointless fortunes

00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,388

to increase the value of real ones.

00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:30,643

Controlling destiny for a price,

that's the Fortune 500's fortune.

00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,688

- And you're trying to stop them?

- Just trying to get out.

00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,692

I want to be free with this here

alien gal so we can get married.

00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,444

Then we can have relations.

00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:43,697

Can't do that before marriage, you know.

I'm a Catholic.

00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:45,407

Does the alien want that?

00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,993

It's not exactly what I'd call

a sentient species.

00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,119

A man knows.

00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,704

What does this have to do with me?

00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,581

You put this in my cookie.

00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:57,336

I been trying to get people's attention.

I'd make fortunes saying

00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,965

''You're gonna break your leg unless

you investigate this cookie company.''

00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:04,552

or ''please come help me or

a virus will shut down the world,''

00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,554

finally I just made a bunch that said

00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:09,139

"You’re gonna have sex

with your own momma."

00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,433

How many?

It, what happened to the others?

00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,352

I 'spose they fucked their moms.

00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,021

Now let's cut her chains

and get the hell out of here.

00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,150

Well, shit on a spaghetti.

00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,570

Hello Jerry Smith.

Glad you could join us

00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,155

- on bring your mother to work day.

- Mom!

00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:29,368

Hi, Jerry. Your friends

picked me up in a limousine.

00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:32,204

They said you won something and

I should be the one to give it to you?

00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,582

- You sick fucks.

- Are you guys enjoying this?

00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:37,585

I used to think I was

just a regular white woman.

00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:40,254

Then I discovered I could

control my destiny.

00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:43,340

All white women think that.

The truth is, this alien crashed

00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:47,052

- in your yard and you ate its shit.

- How dare you. What’s your name?

00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,680

How dare you?

We should’ve blown up the building.

00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,432

Doesn't matter.

All I was gonna say is:

00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:55,352

guess what, insert name,

time for you to eat shit. But first.

00:14:57,104 --> 00:15:00,024

- No, I'm so wet.

- No.

00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,358

Jerry. Come back and block bullets.

00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:04,153

Authorizing the use of prototype fortunes.

00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:12,453

- Fuck!

- You can't hide.

00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,288

My fortune said ''eadshots Only.''

00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:19,251

Harry, Greg, Lashawn,

Dave C, Dave M, no!

00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,128

You piece of shit you killed my friends.

00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,132

Alright, what does the future hold?

00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,098

{\an8}Maybe I can Pokémon this shit.

00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,225

Blast him or we're both gonna die.

00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:36,560

Oh god, oh god.

00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,231

You control-control water.

Like, the water inside a guy.

00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:42,983

That's a gross power.

00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,698

I’m gonna let you live because

your fortune sucks.

00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,575

{\an8}You can't kill me.

I can't be killed.

00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:54,244

Trust me, that's not

as good as it sounds.

00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,625

It hurts! It burns!

00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:04,046

Fuck! Oh my god my ribs!

I can feel my shattered ribs.

00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:14,431

Shit these are useless.

Where are the fighting fortunes?

00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:18,268

No no! Those are blanks!

Without fortunes,

00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:21,480

- the effects are completely unpredictable!

- Alright.

00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,576

I am the son of god.

00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,167

Jerry! Help me, Jerry!

00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:45,254

Mom, stay away! Just stay away!

00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,339

Come on and fuck already!

00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,634

Ma'am, is it possible we're being

given a chance to take a step back

00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,094

and examine our behav...

00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:58,976

You can't kill me, old man.

I also have an unresolved fortune.

00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,937

{\an8}''The most successful

businesswoman on Earth?''

00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:04,565

You could do anything you wanted

and you chose... work?

00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:08,152

Every day I get closer

to an unattainable goal.

00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:11,488

A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever.

00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:14,199

Well, I just used a dark web account

to hack Goldman Sachs,

00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:17,286

remove trillions of dollars, and purchase

everything your company offers.

00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:20,664

Congratulations, you're officially the

most successful business woman on Earth.

00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,292

Fortune fulfilled. And now,

I'm emptying your bank accounts

00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:25,127

and giving the money back

to Goldman Sachs.

00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,296

Because I sit dead center

on the alignment chart.

00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:30,340

You son of a bitch!

00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,676

How does it feel to achieve your dreams?

Empty, right?

00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:36,096

Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar.

You could see it in his face.

00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:40,309

I still have one more dream,

00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:45,689

watching you die, Rick Sanchez!

00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,024

You knew my name.

00:17:57,159 --> 00:18:00,579

She's free!

Run, run my beauty!

00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,629

Well, butterfly on a corncob.

00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:13,383

I see that I've romanticized a wild animal

the same way Margret Howe did

00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,553

when she jerked off that dolphin

in the nineteen-and sixty's.

00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,640

Both she and I assaulted

a captive creature,

00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,059

then expected it to be reciprocal.

00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:25,270

Welp, joopity boot! Time to die.

00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:32,236

Follow me, my queen!

00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,533

That's all the bad guys down,

we almost got this, Jer.

00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,499

No!

00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:49,002

Sticks to walls guy,

I guess we were both wrong!

00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:51,505

Oh god.

00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:03,267

- Rick, please!

- Jerry, I've got the creature.

00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:06,144

- I knew it. I knew it.

- God damn it

00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:13,318

Oh god!

00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:17,114

Goddammit.

00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,332

- Holy shit that was close.

- Close to what?

00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:31,086

Close to everyone but your son

getting anything they want forever.

00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:32,129

You saved me.

00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:36,216

I will never stop holding this over you.

As if that buys me anything.

00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,968

We should get you some clothes, son.

00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:44,975

I can just feel the savings.

00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:50,689

Hey wait. Got this

at the crazy place we just were.

00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:54,526

It may look like someone stuck a

hand-written fortune in there last second,

00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,445

but I'm pretty sure

that's just the way it came.

00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,655

Besides, these don’t mean anything.

00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,618

Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment,

00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:05,329

thisis a huge waste

of the last real fortune.

00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:08,457

- I'm sorry, I just...

- It's cool, it's cool.

00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,083

Thanks, friend.

00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,669

- Friend! Did you just say friend?

- What, what did I do?

00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:16,048

You fucking idiot! I’m not your friend!

Why did you think I was your friend?

00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,467

- Look at this you piece of shit.

- Yeah, yeah, yes, so

00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,178

I was immortal!

I was immortal for that whole fight!

00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,180

All I had to do was

never make a new friend!

00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,682

- Jesus fucking Christ Jerry.

- I'm sorry! We're not friends!

00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:29,144

Yeah, too late, bonehead, it doesn't say

''new permanent friend,''

00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:31,438

all friendships end.

Especially new ones.

00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:35,233

Well maybe that’s a fate

the two of us still control.

00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,575

- I'm sorry I did that.

- It's fine.

00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,454

The zoo, animals, balloons, moats, cages.

A fun time for the whole family.

00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,707

But you don't care about that,

you're a zebra.

00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:35,293

You're here for the unparalleled dining

experience of hand-fed zebra food.

00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:39,172

Delicious. Wait, don't eat.

That's for the zebras.

00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:41,091

It's making you sick.

What are you doing?

00:21:41,091 --> 00:21:44,094

Jesus, why have they left all the zebra

feeding to the people who come to the zoo

00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:46,596

Is that the only way the zebras

can get food? They’re so hungry.

00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,266

What the fuck is happening?

We're out of zebra food, okay?

00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:51,268

There's no food left,

don't come to the zoo.

00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:54,312

This was supposed to be a commercial

for zebras, targeted to zebras!

00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:57,274

The premise itself was questionable

but this is a nightmare!

00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,317

Don’t go to the zoo.

Stay away from the zoo.

00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:02,279

God what are you doing in the booth?

Get out! Get out, you're mad...

00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:07,451

Eat it. Eat zebra food.

00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:10,620

Okay, I guess I can’t blame Dad

for being confused about what to do

00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:14,124

with the zebra food. Also, I have no idea

why they're running this ad, like

00:22:14,124 --> 00:22:16,126

on a loop? There were murders in it.

00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:19,046

And it was specifically telling you to do

the thing it didn’t want you to do,

00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:20,714

until the very end,

when it reversed.

00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:23,592

Why would they sell the zebra food

in the gift shop, unless.

00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:27,137

I mean, do the zebras shop in here?

Are we the ones in the zoo?

00:22:27,137 --> 00:22:30,057

Is that the twist?

OK, we're, it's a human zoo. Got it.

00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:08,800

Рагу по-китайски - просто фантастика!

00:00:08,883 --> 00:00:12,178

Не говори, что это звучит по-расистски:

попроси официанта произнести название.

00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,806

Дорогой, это «Панда Экспресс».

Здешний официант из Портленда.

00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:18,018

Какого хрена кто-то сменил мне звонок

на телефоне на музыку из «Такси»?

00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:20,311

Это новинка на «Такси-Ток».

00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,690

Это субкультура детей в «Тик-Токе». Они

решили, что музыка из «Такси» рулит.

00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:26,484

Теперь ты должен проиграть музыку

из «Такси» десяти людям. Я засниму это.

00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:28,319

Ничего я не должен. Бред какой-то.

00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:31,364

Это повышает

осведомленность о лейкемии.

00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:34,659

Кто еще с нетерпением ждет

завтрашнего похода в зоопарк?

00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,078

Зоопарки - мой любимый вид

парков без воды.

00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,247

Жаль только,

что оба варианта парков вызывают понос.

00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,207

Понос от зоопарка

может быть лишь в одном случае:

00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,752

если съесть корм,

предназначенный для животных.

00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,336

Что ты и сделал. Дважды.

00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,505

Его кладут в автоматы со жвачкой.

00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:51,259

Печенье с предсказанием работает,

только если сначала его съесть.

00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:55,180

Хорошо. «Тяжелая работа

часто окупается». Бредятина.

00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:58,099

«Время с семьей -

это время, проведенное с пользой».

00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,226

Так, это не просто бессмысленно:

доказано совершенно обратное.

00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:02,687

А у меня написано: «Время с семьей -

это время, проведенное…»

00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:05,106

- Блин, у меня такое же?

- Фу…

00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:08,693

Пап, а что в твоем печенье 21-го века

с разбавленными предсказаниями?

00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:11,070

«Вы займетесь сексом

с собственной мамой».

00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:49,692

Предсказания из печенек

не сбываются, правда ведь?

00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:53,154

Джерри, ты серьезно? Думаю ли я,

что у тебя будет секс с матерью?

00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:56,199

Нет, я хотел спросить,

ты не против, если я

00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:59,536

- вызову рвоту и выплюну печенье?

- Если тебе полегчает и ты не будешь

00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:03,456

сильно шуметь, то ради бога.

Но не советуй Саммер сделать так же.

00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:09,420

Я не могу. Сонный Гэри испортил

мой рвотный рефлекс,

00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:11,881

что меня дико огорчает,

ведь Сонный Гэри не настоящий.

00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,801

Как и печенье с предсказаниями.

Ложись спать, Джерри.

00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:16,219

Я знаю, что они не настоящие.

00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:18,555

Но только почему

это было так конкретно?

00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:21,599

И почему три цифры на несколько цифр

отличаются от дня рождения моей мамы?

00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,017

Рик, это можно проверить?

00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:26,604

Джерри, это не «Секретные материалы».

Тебе повезло как утопленнику.

00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:29,399

Пап, можешь объяснить «Тик-Току»,

что происходит с твоей мамой?

00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:30,817

Саммер, никаких видео в соцсетях!

00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:34,571

Вдруг Ми-мо увидит? Нельзя допустить,

чтобы она узнала, что такое возможно.

00:02:35,029 --> 00:02:37,240

- «Возможно»?

- Она опять звонит.

00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:40,869

- Обычно она так часто не звонит.

- Обычно ты ее не игнорируешь,

00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:43,538

ведь обычно ты не считаешь,

что есть риск…

00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:45,623

Вдруг она звонит,

чтоб сказать, что меня усыновили?

00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:47,876

Да? Тогда ты точно

не должен упустить такой случай.

00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,128

Это не смешно!

00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:53,298

Джерри, ты сам делаешь ситуацию

смешной, принимая ее всерьез.

00:02:53,381 --> 00:02:56,050

Но нам не будет смешно, если из-за тебя

мы не попадем в зоопарк.

00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,553

Рик, можешь при помощи науки

сделать так, чтобы не было возможно…

00:02:58,636 --> 00:02:59,888

Джерри, ты оскорбляешь науку.

00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,432

И как самый могущественный…

человек во вселенной…

00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:04,851

Если я создам технологию,

предотвращающую случайности,

00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,895

то в конечном итоге сделаю это

скорее возможным, чем случайным.

00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:09,772

МАМА

ИДЕТ ЗВОНОК…

00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,190

Когда мы едем в зоопарк?

00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:14,068

Через час. У тебя ровно час на то,

чтобы справиться с этой фигней.

00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:15,987

Я уже справился.

00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:23,077

Посмотри-ка на это!

00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:27,498

Нет!

00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:35,006

Выпустите меня!

00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:37,717

У тебя десять секунд.

00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,511

Я хочу поехать.

Ты же знаешь, как я люблю зоопарки.

00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:41,971

Почему ты оделся как Морти?

00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,806

Потому что мама Морти - Бет.

00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,516

Я не стану в этом разбираться.

00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,268

Если думаете, что у меня масса терпения

00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,146

касательно земных зоопарков,

ты вы сильно ошибаетесь.

00:03:50,229 --> 00:03:53,149

Джерри, если ты не поедешь с нами,

я сильно расстроюсь.

00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,943

Ладно. Вам, ребята, наверно,

придется ехать без Джерри.

00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:57,111

Я только что проверил

его поле вероятностей:

00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:59,906

похоже, это предсказание обладает

странной силой, надо это проверить.

00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:01,866

Правда? Я так и знал.

00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,660

Ладно. Будь осторожен, милый.

00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,578

Привези мне горсть еды для зебры.

00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:08,957

И, пожалуйста, сфотографируйтесь

с моим любимым животным - белым тигром.

00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,376

- Потому что они плодятся через инцест?

- Это правда?

00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:17,131

- Я знал, что был прав.

- Нисколько.

00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:19,884

Я просто не хотел смотреть,

как человека заставляют идти в зоопарк.

00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,095

Может, Джерри, ты и правда

тупица, каких поискать,

00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:25,181

но у тебя всё равно есть право

серьезно к чему-либо относиться.

00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:26,099

Спасибо.

00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:29,060

Но раз уж у нас с мамой ничего

не будет, я могу поехать в зоопарк.

00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:31,854

Джерри, эта штука измеряет отклонения

в волнах вероятности.

00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:35,149

Я ее даже не включал,

потому что если бы включил…

00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,361

- То что?

- Ничего. Не веди себя так странно.

00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:42,073

Но раз уж у нас освободился день,

может, немного поработаем?

00:04:42,156 --> 00:04:44,409

Мы опровергнем это

с помощью эффективной грубой силы.

00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:46,286

Вот две коробки из-под обуви.

Обе пустые.

00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,162

Внутри одной коробки

я написал имя твоей матери.

00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:50,915

Что? Боже, нет. Если ты хоть на секунду

подумал, что я засуну свой…

00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,917

Ну и ладно.

Я по-любому не хотел этого делать.

00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:56,379

Ну ладно. Можно я просто скажу,

в какую коробку засунул бы свой член?

00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:59,132

Словами будет еще хуже, но валяй.

00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:02,343

Ладно. Я бы засунул свой член

в коробку справа.

00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:05,555

Супер. Отвернись,

а я поменяю коробки местами.

00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:08,808

- Как-то не очень высокотехнологично.

- Ага, мы же измеряем реальность.

00:05:10,893 --> 00:05:14,230

Я бы достал свой член

и засунул его в коробку справа.

00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,732

Опять.

00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,526

Я бы достал свой член…

00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:20,194

Джерри, не надо

каждый раз говорить «член».

00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:22,530

- Говори «слева» или «справа».

- Но это же ты придумал!

00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:24,240

Я не думал, что это так надолго.

00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,117

Ладно. Член.

00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,910

- Левая.

- Продолжай.

00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:29,579

Правая.

00:05:30,329 --> 00:05:31,164

Левая.

00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:34,500

- Правая.

- Джерри, ты подглядываешь?

00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:37,253

Скажи, что происходит. Ты меня пугаешь.

00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:42,592

Ладно. Я с такой же вероятностью

высру шар, с какой стану дельфином.

00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:43,926

Такое возможно?

00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,054

Джерри, возможно всё.

00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,266

Вот почему странно,

что ты в принципе склонен…

00:05:50,349 --> 00:05:51,809

К чему?

00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:54,479

Джерри, твоя мать оставила сообщения?

00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:57,065

Три. Я боюсь их читать.

00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:58,566

Прочитай их.

00:05:58,649 --> 00:06:00,610

Она спрашивает,

можно ли приехать в гости.

00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,278

Зачем ей это?

00:06:02,361 --> 00:06:05,323

Джерри, я скажу тебе то,

чего не говорил никому.

00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:07,992

Нам нужно ехать в «Панда Экспресс».

00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:09,952

Если б тут искали моего уважения,

00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,496

получили бы лицензию на алкоголь.

00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:13,539

Думаешь, это как-то связано с тобой?

00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:16,292

Тот, кто стоит за этим предсказанием,

обладает божественной силой.

00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:17,919

Конечно, это имеет

какое-то отношение ко мне.

00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,797

Как думаешь,

кто я в этой истории? Свекор?

00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,673

ЗАКРЫТО

00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:25,885

ТОЛЬКО ДЛЯ ПЕРСОНАЛА

00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:27,220

Хотели, чтоб я к вам присмотрелся?

00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,682

Так, теперь я получаю

смешанные сигналы.

00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,101

МАМА:

СРОЧНО

00:06:33,184 --> 00:06:34,018

ОТВЕТЬ НА ЗВОНОК

00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,269

Будь здесь. Пора надрать им задницу.

00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:38,773

Мне понадобится саундтрек. Корабль,

плейлист «Избранное», первый трек.

00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,821

Хорошо, супер.

Никаких неверных ответов.

00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,465

Скажи, где ты взял печенье,

и мы сможем уйти отсюда живыми!

00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:05,842

- Пошел на хрен, убээнщик!

- «Убээнщик»?

00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,135

- Печенье?

- Печенье с предсказаниями.

00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,053

Ты здесь не из-за городской сети

нашей наркобанды?

00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:11,848

Что? Нет. Нарушайте законы сколько

угодно. Их всё равно не существует.

00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,269

- Я что-то растерялся.

- Я тоже.

00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:18,563

Извини за всех этих мертвяков.

00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:19,981

Ничего, обычное дело.

00:07:20,064 --> 00:07:22,817

- Так где ты берешь печенье?

- Там же, где и все.

00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:23,734

«ФОРТУНА-500»

00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:24,944

Там, на заднем дворе, их грузовик.

00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:28,281

Чудесно. Ладно, я заберу грузовик

в обмен на то, что не выдам тебя.

00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:38,583

Боже. Что такого ценного в печенье,

которое дают бесплатно?

00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,543

Да еще и сетчатку сканируют?

00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:43,880

- Да уж. Джерри, есть предположение.

- Это хорошо.

00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:46,299

Этим местом управляет «Монстр печенья».

00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:49,135

Он просто очень хорошо

защищает свое печенье.

00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:51,012

Да ладно, чувак.

Даже улыбку выдавить не можешь?

00:07:51,095 --> 00:07:53,014

Ну да. Думаешь, как не натворить дел

со своей мамашей.

00:07:53,097 --> 00:07:54,348

Что ж, логично.

00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,981

Повсюду гребаные камеры.

Та чашка - это камера.

00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:03,691

То дерево - камера.

00:08:03,774 --> 00:08:05,067

Можешь их отключить?

00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,235

Правило маскировки номер один:

00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,864

отключение 300 камер привлечет

больше внимания, чем переодевание.

00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:12,200

Похоже, чтобы преуспеть,

нам нужно переодеться.

00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:16,245

Око Тундары,

дай мне самый классный костюм!

00:08:16,954 --> 00:08:19,290

Джерри, одежда помощника и образ!

00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:25,588

Что это было?

00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:27,089

Многоразовая последовательность

«Сейлор Мун».

00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,217

Если нам понадобится

снова выдать тебя за моего помощника,

00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,052

можно будет повторить

и сэкономить кучу денег.

00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:33,304

ТОЛЬКО ДЛЯ УПОЛНОМОЧЕННОГО ПЕРСОНАЛА

00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,561

Почему операция

уровня правительства и выше

00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:43,189

требует от меня

сношаться с собственной матерью?

00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:00,122

Безос? Билл Гейтс?

00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:03,543

Премьер-министры?

Как ни странно, Билли Зейн тоже здесь.

00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:07,463

Здравствуйте. Скоро вы познакомитесь

со мной, Дженнит Падроу-Чант, лично.

00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,383

Пятнадцать лет назад

я жила в гараже родителей,

00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:13,678

ела рамен из унитаза,

но однажды кое-что обнаружила.

00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:15,554

Судьба - это не вымысел.

00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:18,349

Всё, что вы хотите, может стать вашим,

если вы попросите об этом.

00:09:18,432 --> 00:09:20,184

Просто попросите меня.

00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,978

- Привет, я.

- Привет, я.

00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,354

Посмотрите на варианты меня.

00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:25,439

Все мои костюмы - кипенно-белые.

00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,317

Я сплю на постели из сыпучего зерна

и начинаю каждое утро

00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,696

с проветривания своей идеальной вагины

на китайской серебряной траве.

00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:33,489

Я крепкая и созревшая.

00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,033

Самолет моей матери

только что приземлился.

00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,536

Она сделала фото в аэропорту

на фоне того «Вольфганга Пака»,

00:09:38,619 --> 00:09:39,912

что пахнет детским садом.

00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:42,623

Хотите узнать секрет того,

как я изменила свое будущее?

00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,209

- Да.

- Став инвестором седьмого уровня,

00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,420

вы узнаете это и многое другое.

00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:50,715

Да уж, здесь мы не получим ответов,

которые ищем. Пошли дальше.

00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,972

А теперь,

благодаря вашим щедрым взносам,

00:09:58,055 --> 00:09:59,807

вот вам печенье этого года.

00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,729

«Вы получите увеличение на 6,8%

в годовом исчислении»? Очень хорошо.

00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:09,191

«Ваши таланты оценят…

когда вы станете младшим партнером».

00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,403

Чёрт. Я буду участвовать

в «Танцах со звездами».

00:10:12,486 --> 00:10:14,822

Пожалуйста, я достану деньги. Клянусь.

00:10:14,905 --> 00:10:17,408

Боюсь, уже слишком поздно.

00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,869

Боже, что там написано?

00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:24,290

«Ваш член покалечит

автомат замороженного йогурта в ООН»?

00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:25,666

Я знаю этот автомат!

00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:29,128

Обывателю это покажется невозможным,

но, как по мне, это неизбежность.

00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:31,714

Блин. Это всё взаправду.

00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:33,424

Они управляют судьбой ради прибыли.

00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:36,594

Я рад, что ты счастлив. Может, теперь

взорвем здание или что-то в этом роде?

00:10:36,677 --> 00:10:38,929

Не думаю, что это лучший способ

лишить их силы, Джерри.

00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,015

Давай заберем у них эту силу.

00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:42,433

То есть это ты ее заберешь.

00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:44,268

- Я поделюсь.

- Тогда ты трахнешь мою маму.

00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,812

Это так не работает. К тому же я уже…

00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:49,190

- Что «уже»?

- Боже, Джерри, пойдем же.

00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,234

Очень жаль.

00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,612

Используем судьбу

по чрезвычайным ситуациям!

00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,281

Судьба для драки? Они повышают уровень!

00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:00,618

«Ты добьешься больших успехов в бою».

00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,204

Будь я проклят.

00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,837

Твою мать! Это и отстой,

и действительно ценные данные.

00:11:16,717 --> 00:11:18,928

- Рик, что ты делаешь?

- Использую тебя как живой щит.

00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:21,722

Ты сам признался! Я был уверен,

что именно это ты и делаешь!

00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:27,728

У нас нарушители,

у одного из них неразгаданная судьба.

00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:29,563

НЕ РАЗГАДАНО

00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,065

Нам нужна мать этого человека.

00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:32,942

В мире много матерей, мэм.

00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,277

Но только одна из них миссис…

00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:37,405

Проклятье. «Смит»?

00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,664

Значит, замнем тот факт,

что ты защищался мной от пуль?

00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:47,915

У тебя неразгаданная судьба.

00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:50,334

Пока ты не займешься сексом со своей

мамашей, ты практически бессмертен.

00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,420

Ты хоть представляешь,

как это прекрасно?

00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:56,549

Тебе на меня наплевать. Тебе нужна

только сила печенья с предсказанием.

00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,300

Ладно, Джерри, а как насчет этого?

00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:01,303

Если до этого дойдет,

обещаю, что пущу ей пулю в голову.

00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:02,888

- Нет!

- Ты прав.

00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:04,598

Судьбой не предсказано,

что она будет жива, верно?

00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,475

- Я тебя ненавижу.

- Ненавидь что-то продуктивное!

00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,103

Ненавидь ползать

по гребаной вентиляции.

00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:12,773

Это те странные винты с шестигранной

головкой. Твои пальцы-отвертки…

00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,462

По крайней мере,

мы понятия не имеем, что происходит.

00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:35,504

Это локерин.

00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,506

Существо, питающееся хаосом.

00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,425

Но у него расстройство желудка.

00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:41,510

Его желудок вычищает случайность

из пространства и времени,

00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,429

оставляя сверхплотные очаги энергии,

00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:45,848

которые склоняют энтропию

к определяемым результатам.

00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,559

Так устроена судьба.

Это поле, как гравитация.

00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:52,146

Но оно притягивает не малое к большому,

а неизвестное к известному.

00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:53,731

Итак, мы знаем, что происходит.

00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,816

Мы знаем это. Все, у кого было

печенье с предсказанием,

00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:58,027

последние 20 лет

ели какашки этой штуки.

00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,029

Печенье с предсказаниями -

это инопланетные какашки.

00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:02,781

Эти предсказания очень простые.

00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:05,034

Почему бы не использовать

эту силу, чтобы изменить мир?

00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,870

Или заставить Nintendo сделать

мини-гарнитуру виртуальной реальности?

00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:11,790

Это место не для создания будущего,

а для управления им.

00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:16,670

Привет, я Старый.

Старый М. Хаксби. «М» означает «мужик».

00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:19,965

Ты архималенький персонаж. Из-за тебя

печенье с предсказаниями отстойные?

00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:22,009

Нет. Это идея Дженнит Чант.

00:13:22,092 --> 00:13:24,428

Надо заполнить рынок

бессмысленными предсказаниями,

00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,305

чтобы увеличить стоимость реальных.

00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:31,435

Управление судьбой за определенную

цену. Такова судьба «Фортуны-500».

00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:34,688

- А ты пытаешься их остановить?

- Просто пытаюсь выбраться.

00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,651

Хочу освободиться вместе с этой

инопланетянкой. Мы хотим пожениться.

00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,402

Тогда у нас могут быть отношения.

00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:43,864

Понимаешь, до брака ведь нельзя.

Я католик.

00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,282

А инопланетянка согласна?

00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:48,035

Я бы не считал этот вид разумным.

00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:50,788

- Этот мужик в курсе.

- Какое отношение это имеет ко мне?

00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:52,748

Ты положил это в мое печенье.

00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:55,918

Ага. Пытаюсь привлечь внимание людей.

00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,629

Я хотел сделать предсказания типа

«Вы сломаете ногу,

00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:00,839

если не расследуете деятельность

компании по производству печенья»

00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:04,510

или «Умоляю, помогите мне,

иначе вирус охватит весь мир».

00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,595

Но в результате я выпустил это:

00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,223

«Вы займетесь сексом

с собственной мамой».

00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:11,433

Сколько их? Что случилось с остальными?

00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,310

Наверно, они трахнули своих матерей.

00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:16,063

А теперь давайте разрежем ее цепи

и уберемся отсюда к чёрту.

00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:20,067

Хрена с два!

00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:21,569

Привет, Джерри Смит.

00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,572

Рада, что ты смог присоединиться к нам

в день «Приведи маму на работу».

00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:29,326

Привет, Джерри.

Твои друзья подвезли меня на лимузине.

00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:32,037

Они сказали, что тебе что-то нужно

и я должна тебе это дать.

00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,582

- Вы больные ублюдки!

- Ребята, вам это нравится?

00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,585

Раньше я думала,

что я обычная белая женщина.

00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:40,296

Потом я обнаружила,

что могу управлять своей судьбой.

00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:42,339

Все белые женщины так думают.

Правда в том,

00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:45,092

что это инопланетное существо врезалось

в твой двор, и ты съела его дерьмо.

00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:46,844

Как ты смеешь? Как тебя зовут?

00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,304

Это ты как смеешь?

00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,638

Надо было взорвать это здание.

00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,307

Неважно. Я хотела сказать только одно:

00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:54,226

«Знаешь что, вставь имя,

тебе пора есть дерьмо».

00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:55,311

Но сначала…

00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:59,857

- Нет, я такая мокрая.

- Нет!

00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:01,400

Джерри, вернись и останавливай пули!

00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:04,486

Разрешаю использовать

прототипные предсказания.

00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:12,578

- Твою мать!

- Тебе не спрятаться!

00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:14,538

Мое предсказание:

«Стрелять только в голову».

00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:19,251

Гарри! Грегг! Ла Шон!

Дэйв С.! Дэйв М.! Нет!

00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,503

Ты кусок дерьма! Ты убил моих друзей!

00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,466

Так. Что нас ждет в будущем?

00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:27,176

ВЫ БУДЕТЕ УПРАВЛЯТЬ ОГНЕМ

00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:31,931

ВЫ БУДЕТЕ УПРАВЛЯТЬ ВОДОЙ

00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:33,599

Может, я смогу обпокемонить эту хрень.

00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:36,644

- Взорви его, или мы оба умрем!

- Боже!

00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:41,190

Ты «контролируешь» воду

типа воды внутри этого парня.

00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,067

Это грубая сила.

00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:45,444

ВЫ СМОЖЕТЕ ПРИЛИПАТЬ К СТЕНАМ

00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,823

Я оставлю тебя в живых,

потому что твоя судьба - отстой.

00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:51,617

Вам меня не убить. Меня нельзя убить!

00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,411

Поверь, это не так хорошо, как кажется.

00:15:57,706 --> 00:16:00,209

Больно! Горит! Блин!

00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:01,669

Боже, мои ребра!

00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:04,046

Я чувствую свои сломанные ребра!

00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:11,845

ВЫ ЗАВЕДЕТЕ НОВОГО ДРУГА

00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:14,181

Чёрт, это бесполезно.

Где боевые предсказания?

00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:17,393

Нет! Эти пустые.

00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:20,646

Без предсказаний последствия

совершенно непредсказуемы.

00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:22,022

Ладно.

00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,660

Я сын Божий.

00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,039

БЛИН…

00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,666

Джерри!

00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,419

- Помоги мне, Джерри!

- Мама, держись от меня подальше!

00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:45,170

Просто держись подальше!

00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,589

Давай же, трахайся!

00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:49,675

Мэм, возможно, нам дают шанс

00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:52,136

сделать шаг назад

и подумать над нашим поведением?

00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:56,223

Тебе меня не убить, старик.

00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:58,767

У меня тоже есть

невыполненное предсказание.

00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:01,937

«Самая успешная бизнесвумен на Земле»?

00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:04,940

Ты могла делать всё что хотела,

но ты выбрала работу.

00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:08,110

С каждым днем я приближаюсь

к недостижимой цели.

00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:11,530

Бренд образа жизни

одной женщины, навсегда.

00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:14,199

Только что с аккаунта в даркнете

я взломал банк Goldman Sachs,

00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:17,286

взял триллионы долларов и купил всё,

что предлагает ваша компания.

00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:18,203

Поздравляю!

00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:20,622

Вы официально самая успешная

бизнесвумен на Земле.

00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:22,040

Предсказание сбылось.

00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:25,085

А теперь я опустошу ваши банковские

счета и верну деньги Goldman Sachs,

00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,296

потому что я сижу прямо в центре

диаграммы выравнивания.

00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,215

Сукин ты сын!

00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:33,135

Каково это - чувствовать, что твоя

мечта сбылась? Ощущение пустоты, верно?

00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:36,221

Как Ди Каприо, наконец-то получивший

«Оскар». У него на лице было написано.

00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:40,392

У меня есть еще одна мечта!

00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:45,314

Увидеть, как ты умираешь, Рик Санчес!

00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,066

Ты знала мое имя.

00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:58,744

Она свободна! Беги!

00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:00,788

Беги, моя красавица!

00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:08,796

Бабочка на кукурузном початке.

00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:11,673

Вижу, что я

романтизировал дикое животное,

00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,592

в точности как Маргарет Хоу,

00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:16,553

которая дрочила дельфину в 60-х.

00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,723

И она, и я пристали к пленному существу

00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,267

и ожидали взаимных чувств.

00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:25,395

Итак, трам-пам-пам, пора умирать.

00:18:29,691 --> 00:18:32,402

За мной, моя королева!

00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:37,658

Все плохиши убиты.

Мы почти справились, Джер.

00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:45,165

Нет!

00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:49,127

Парень, прилипающий к стенам.

Похоже, мы оба ошибались.

00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:51,713

Боже.

00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:03,267

- Рик, пожалуйста!

- Джерри, я держу существо.

00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:04,309

Я так и знал.

00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:06,687

- Я так и знал.

- Чёрт возьми.

00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,317

ДЖЕРРИ НЕТ СЕКС МАМА

00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:13,527

О боже!

00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,072

Проклятье.

00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:27,583

- Блин. Чуть было…

- Что «чуть было»?

00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:31,003

Они чуть было не получили, что хотели,

навсегда. Благодаря вашему сыну.

00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:32,129

Ты спас меня.

00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:36,091

Я всегда буду тебя этим шантажировать.

Можно подумать, мне что-то обломится.

00:19:36,174 --> 00:19:37,926

Надо купить тебе одежду, сынок.

00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:45,142

Я прям ощущаю экономию.

00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:47,853

Эй, подожди.

00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:50,981

Я получил это в безумном месте,

где мы только что были.

00:19:51,064 --> 00:19:53,692

Похоже, будто кто-то засунул туда

написанное от руки предсказание

00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:56,945

в последнюю минуту, но я уверен,

что оно там было с самого начала.

00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,156

Кроме того, это ничего не значит.

00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:01,241

СПАСИБО

00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,743

Джерри, хоть я и ценю это чувство,

00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:05,787

но ты просто так потратил

последнее настоящее предсказание.

00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,707

- Извини. Я просто…

- Всё нормально.

00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,000

Спасибо, друг.

00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:11,627

«Друг»? Ты только что сказал «друг»?

00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:14,296

- Что? Что я такого сделал?

- Ты гребаный идиот! Я тебе не друг.

00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,964

С чего ты взял, что я твой друг?

00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,341

Посмотри на это, кусок дерьма.

00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:18,425

ВЫ ЗАВЕДЕТЕ НОВОГО ДРУГА

00:20:18,508 --> 00:20:21,053

- Да. И что?

- Я был бессмертен во время всей битвы.

00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:23,013

Мне только нельзя было

заводить новых друзей.

00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:25,682

- Господи, чёрт возьми, Джерри.

- Извини, мы не друзья.

00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:29,019

Ага, слишком поздно, болван. Здесь

не сказано «нового постоянного друга».

00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:31,855

Всякая дружба заканчивается,

особенно новая.

00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:35,233

Что ж, может, это судьба,

которую мы двое всё еще контролируем.

00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:42,908

Извини за то, что я сделал.

00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:43,909

Ничего.

00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,828

Зоопарк… Животные,

воздушные шары, рвы, клетки.

00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,413

Веселое времяпрепровождение

для всей семьи.

00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:31,415

Но вас это не волнует. Вы зебры.

00:21:31,498 --> 00:21:34,876

Вы здесь, чтобы насладиться

непревзойденным вкусом еды для зебр.

00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:35,836

ЕДА ДЛЯ ЗЕБР

00:21:35,919 --> 00:21:38,005

Очень вкусно. Эй… Подождите, не ешьте…

00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:39,214

Это для зебр.

00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,258

Вас будет тошнить.

Что вы делаете? Господи.

00:21:41,341 --> 00:21:43,885

Почему кормление зебр

доверили посетителям зоопарка?

00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:45,804

Зебры могут получать пищу только так?

00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:47,639

Они очень голодные.

Что, чёрт возьми, происходит?

00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:50,225

У нас закончилась еда для зебры, ясно?

Еды больше нет.

00:21:50,308 --> 00:21:51,893

Не приходите в зоопарк.

Это должна была быть

00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:54,187

реклама зебр, ориентированная на зебр.

00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:55,647

Подозрительной была сама идея.

00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:57,274

Но это просто кошмар.

00:21:57,357 --> 00:21:59,234

Не ходите в зоопарк.

Держитесь подальше от зоопарка!

00:21:59,317 --> 00:22:00,694

Боже! Что ты делаешь в будке?

00:22:00,777 --> 00:22:02,112

Выходи! Ты с ума сошел…

00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:04,656

МАГАЗИН ПОДАРКОВ

00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:07,117

Ешьте ее. Ешьте еду зебры.

00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,037

Так. Пожалуй, нельзя винить папу

за то, что его сбили с толку в плане

00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,496

корма для зебр

и того, что с ним делать.

00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:14,916

Кроме того, я понятия не имею,

почему эту рекламу пускают по кругу.

00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,377

В ней есть убийства,

и она намеренно убеждает делать то,

00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:20,714

в чём хочет тебя разубедить, до самого

конца, когда всё встает на свои места.

00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:22,924

Зачем продавать корм для зебры

в сувенирном магазине?

00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:27,054

Если только… Что, сюда захаживают

зебры? Это мы в зоопарке?

00:22:27,137 --> 00:22:30,182

Всё наоборот? Так, это человеческий

зоопарк. Теперь понятно.

00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:34,686

СВЕТЛОЙ ПАМЯТИ МАЙКА МЕНДЕЛА

00:22:35,645 --> 00:22:37,647

Перевод субтитров: Татьяна Грачева

00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,590

ЗАЧИНЕНО

00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,050

ЛИШЕ ДЛЯ ПРАЦІВНИКІВ

00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,990

МАМА: ТИ МЕНІ ПОТРІБЕН.

ВІЗЬМИ СЛУХАВКУ.

00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:32,500

ВХІД ЛИШЕ ДЛЯ

АВТОРИЗОВАНОГО ПЕРСОНАЛУ

00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:07,950

«Я ГАРНО ПРОВЕДУ ЧАС», «Я ПОДОБАЮСЬ

ЛЮДЯМ», «ПОСМІХНИСЬ, СЬОГОДНІ ГАРНИЙ ДЕНЬ»

00:15:26,130 --> 00:15:27,130

ТИ КЕРУВАТИМЕШ ВОГНЕМ

00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,720

ТИ КЕРУВАТИМЕШ ВОДОЮ

00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,400

ТИ ПРИЛИПАТИМЕШ ДО СТІН

00:15:50,660 --> 00:15:52,870

ТЕБЕ НЕМОЖЛИВО УБИТИ

У ТЕБЕ НЕСКІНЧЕННИЙ ЗАПАС ПАТРОНІВ

00:16:11,010 --> 00:16:12,980

ТОБІ ПОДЗВОНИТЬ ТВІЙ КРАШ

ТИ ЗАВЕДЕШ НОВОГО ДРУГА

00:16:58,970 --> 00:17:01,200

ТИ СТАНЕШ НАЙУСПІШНІШОЮ

БІЗНЕСМЕНКОЮ НА ЗЕМЛІ

00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,220

ДЖЕРРІ НЕ ШПЕКНЕ МАМЦЮ

00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,110

ДЯКУЮ :)

00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,420

ТИ ЗАВЕДЕШ НОВОГО ДРУГА

00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,000

СУВЕНІРНИЙ МАГАЗИН

00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,843

And before you say

that sounded racist,

00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,511

you can ask the waiter

how they say it.

00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:14,264

It's Panda Express, honey.

The waiter's from Portland.

00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:16,015

Alright, who the hell

changed my ringtone

00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:17,392

to the theme from "Taxi"?

00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:19,602

[ Both laugh ]

00:00:17,475 --> 00:00:19,602

It's a new thing on Taxi Tok.

00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:21,479

That's a subculture

on TikTok of kids

00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,022

who decided the theme

from "Taxi" slaps.

00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,524

Now you have to play

the "Taxi" theme

00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:25,817

for ten people

while I film it.

00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:28,486

I don't have to do shit.

That's dumb.

00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,655

It raises awareness

for leukemia.

00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:34,033

So... who else is excited

for the zoo tomorrow?

00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:36,578

Zoos are my favorite

kind of non-water park.

00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:38,705

It's just a shame that

they both give you diarrhea.

00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:41,291

You only get diarrhea at the zoo

if you eat the food

00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,042

you're supposed to feed

to the animals.

00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,711

Summer:

Which you've done, twice.

00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,838

They put it

in gumball machines.

00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,673

You know, fortune cookies

only come true

00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,717

if you eat the cookie first.

00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:54,637

Alright. "Hard work

often pays off"? Lame.

00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,432

"Family time

is time well spent."

00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,559

Okay, that's not only empty.

It's been disproven.

00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:02,061

Okay, mine says,

"Family time is time well..."

00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,855

Oh, man,

I got the same one?

00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:04,939

- Boo.

- Boo.

00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,274

What's your stupid

21-century

00:01:06,274 --> 00:01:08,026

watered-down

fortune cookie say, Dad?

00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,904

"You will have sex

with your mother."

00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:29,839

{\an8}♪

00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:47,023

{\an8}♪

00:01:47,023 --> 00:01:49,192

{\an8}Fortune cookies

aren't legitimate, right?

00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:50,693

{\an8}Jerry, are you

seriously asking

00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,445

{\an8}if I think you're gonna

have sex with your mom?

00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:55,615

{\an8}No, I-I wanted to ask

if it's okay with you

00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:57,450

{\an8}if I make myself

throw up the cookie.

00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,453

{\an8}If it makes you feel better and

you can do it quietly, yes,

00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:02,997

{\an8}but don't hand that advice

down to Summer.

00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,958

{\an8}[ Retching ]

00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,584

{\an8}Ugh! Can't do it.

00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,711

{\an8}Sleepy Gary ruined

my gag reflex,

00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,172

{\an8}which is frustrating

because Sleepy Gary wasn't real.

00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:14,259

{\an8}Neither are fortune cookies.

Go to sleep, Jerry.

00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,885

{\an8}I know they're not real.

[ Chuckles ]

00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,512

{\an8}It's just--

why is it so specific?

00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:18,888

{\an8}And why are three

of the numbers

00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,974

{\an8}a few numbers off

from my Mom's birthday?!

00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,517

{\an8}Can we investigate this,

Rick?

00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:23,977

{\an8}It's not an X-File, Jerry,

00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,895

{\an8}You got the world's

last interesting fortune.

00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,606

{\an8}Dad, can you explain to TikTok

what's going on with your mom?

00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,275

{\an8}Summer,

no social videoing!

00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:31,693

{\an8}What if Mi-Maw sees it?

00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,778

{\an8}We can't let her know this

is a thing that might happen!

00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,113

{\an8}Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Uh, "might"?

00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:36,739

{\an8}[ Phone buzzing ]

00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:36,739

{\an8}She's calling again.

00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,283

{\an8}She doesn't usually

call this much.

00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,118

{\an8}Because you don't

usually ghost her

00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,829

{\an8}because you don't usually

decide you're at risk of...

00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,039

{\an8}What if she's calling me

to tell me I'm adopted?!

00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,333

{\an8}Well, yeah, then you

should definitely hit that.

00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:48,501

{\an8}[ Laughter ]

00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:49,878

{\an8}That's not funny!

00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,338

{\an8}Jerry, you're making it funny

by taking it seriously.

00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:53,923

{\an8}And none of us

will be laughing

00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,675

{\an8}if you let this

ruin our zoo trip.

00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,802

{\an8}Rick, can you use science to

make it impossible for me to--

00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,220

{\an8}Jerry, you're

insulting science.

00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,723

{\an8}And as the most powerful [burps]

man in the universe,

00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:04,183

{\an8}if I create technology to

prevent a random occurrence,

00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,686

{\an8}I'll end up making it

more possible than random.

00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:07,937

{\an8}[ Phone buzzing ]

00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:07,937

{\an8}[ Gasps ]

00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:08,938

[ Laughter ]

00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,523

When do we leave

for the zoo?

00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:13,276

One hour. You have one hour

to let go of this.

00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,528

I'm already done

thinking about it.

00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:20,241

[ Laughing ]

00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,535

Morty:

Check that out, huh?

00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,037

[ Laughter ]

00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,204

[ Cellphone dings ]

00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:27,582

Jerry: Ah! Ah! No!

00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,459

[ Groans ]

00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:32,128

Aah! Aah! Aah!

00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:33,338

[ Laughter ]

00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,756

Let me out! Let me out!

00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,132

[ Grunting ]

00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:38,384

- You have ten seconds.

- I want to go.

00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:39,969

You know of my love

for the zoo!

00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,387

{\an8}Why are you dressed

like Morty?

00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:43,139

{\an8}Because Morty's mom

is Beth.

00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:45,224

{\an8}I'm not unpacking that.

00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:45,224

{\an8}[ Horn honks ]

00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,518

{\an8}Okay, if you think I have

this much patience for the zoo,

00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,520

{\an8}on Earth,

you're sorely mistaken.

00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:52,482

{\an8}Jerry, if you don't come with

us, I will be so disappointed.

00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,484

{\an8}Okay, you guys should

probably go on without Jerry.

00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,486

{\an8}I just took some readings

on his probability field,

00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,154

{\an8}and this fortune

has some strange powers

00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,447

{\an8}I'm gonna need

to investigate.

00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:01,240

{\an8}Really?!

Oh, God, I knew it.

00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,076

[ Sighs ] Okay. Well.

Be careful, honey.

00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,911

Ooh! Bring me back a handful

of zebra snacks?

00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,288

A-And please take pictures

with my favorite animal,

00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:08,623

the white tiger!

00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:10,208

Summer: Because

they breed via incest?

00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:11,668

Is that true?!

00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,252

[ Laughter ]

00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:16,130

Ah. I knew I was right.

Not even close.

00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:19,217

I just didn't want to

see someone get bullied

into going to a zoo.

00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,177

You may be the single

dumbest human I've ever met,

00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:22,470

Jerry,

but you still have a right

00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,722

to take whatever

you want seriously.

00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,557

Thank you,

but if that thing says

00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,559

I'm not gonna do it with my mom,

I can go to the zoo.

00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,103

Jerry, this thing

measures aberrations

00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,521

in probability waves.

00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,439

I didn't even bother to

turn it on because if I did--

00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:34,941

[ Whirring, beep ]

00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,192

Huh.

00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:36,192

What?!

00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:37,652

Nothing.

Don't get weird on me.

00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,737

But, uh, since we're free

for the afternoon,

00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,447

you mind doing

a quick activity?

00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,825

We're gonna disprove this

with efficient brute force.

00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,576

These are two shoeboxes.

Both are empty,

00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,495

but I wrote your mother's name

on the inside of one.

00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:50,123

What? God, no! If you think

for a second I'm gonna put my--

00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,375

Good. I didn't wanna

do this anyway.

00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:55,962

Fine! Can I just tell you which

box I would put my penis in?

00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,631

Saying it seems worse,

but okay.

00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:01,759

Alright. I would put my penis

in the box on the right.

00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,302

Great. Uh, look in

the other direction,

00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:04,971

and I'm gonna

switch up the boxes.

00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,305

This feels

really low-tech.

00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:10,018

{\an8}Yeah, 'cause

we're measuring reality.

00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,394

I would

take out my penis

00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:14,105

and place it in the box

on the... right.

00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,524

{\an8}Again.

00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:17,984

I would put my penis--

00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,736

Jerry, you don't have to say

"penis" every time.

00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,863

Just left or right.

00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,863

Hey, this was your idea!

00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,698

I didn't think

it'd go on this long.

00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:26,492

Okay, penis. Ugh!

Left!

00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:28,077

Keep going.

00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,829

Right.

00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:32,540

Left. Right.

00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:33,916

Jerry, are you

fucking peeking?

00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,753

Tell me what's going on!

You're scaring me!

00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,005

[ Whirring, beep ]

00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,798

Okay, I'm just as likely

to shit a balloon

00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,050

as I am to become

a dolphin.

00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,509

Those are things

that could happen?

00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,511

Jerry, everything is

as likely as anything else.

00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,013

[ Whirring, beep ]

00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,640

Which is why it's weird that

you're at all likely to...

00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,392

To what?

To what?!

00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,895

Jerry, has your mother

been leaving messages?

00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,731

Three texts.

I'm afraid to read them.

00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,107

Read them.

00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,109

She's asking

if she can come visit.

00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,694

Why would she want that?!

00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,279

Jerry, I'm gonna

tell you something

00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,531

I've never told anyone.

00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,450

We need to go

to Panda Express.

00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,285

If these guys

wanted my respect,

00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:10,912

they could've just gotten

a liquor license.

00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,789

Now you think this has

something to do with you?

00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:15,416

Jerry, whoever's behind that

fortune has, like, god powers.

00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,210

Of course it has

something to do with me.

00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,463

What do you think I am in this

story, the father-in-law?

00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:22,590

[ Whirring, click ]

00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:27,053

You guys

wanted my attention?

00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,473

Okay, well, now

I'm getting mixed signals.

00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,266

[ Cellphone dings ]

00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,266

Gah!

00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,685

Stay here, Jerry.

Time to kick ass.

00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:35,978

Gonna need a soundtrack.

00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,773

Ship, favorites playlist,

track one.

00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:42,235

[ "Taxi" theme song plays ]

00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,570

Alright, fine.

No wrong answers.

00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:52,745

{\an8}♪

00:06:52,829 --> 00:07:00,753

{\an8}♪

00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,255

Tell me where you get

your cookies at,

00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,756

and we can all walk

out of here alive!

00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,466

Fuck you,

DEA piece of shit!

DEA?

00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:06,884

Cookies?

Fortune cookies.

00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,427

You're not here about our gang's

city-wide meth ring?

00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:11,430

What? No. Break the laws.

They shouldn't exist anyway.

00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:14,267

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

I am embarrassed.

00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,893

[ Chuckles ]

Aw, me too.

00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,854

Sorry about, uh,

these dead guys.

00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,397

Comes with

the territory.

00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,399

So w-where do you

get your cookies?

00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:22,984

Same distributor

as everyone else.

00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,777

That's their truck out back.

00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:24,777

Solid.

00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:27,989

Okay, I'm gonna take

the truck in exchange

for not turning you in.

00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:34,120

{\an8}♪

00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,706

Geez. How much money

can there be in cookies

00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,040

that you get for free?

00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,959

And now we're being

retina scanned?

00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,335

Oh, oh, oh! I know!

00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,171

I've got a theory, Jerry.

Oh, good.

00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:46,257

This place is run by

Cookie Monster.

00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:48,551

He's really protective

about his cookies.

00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,261

C'mon, man.

You can't crack a smile?

00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:52,513

Oh, yeah-- you're worried

about doing it with your mom.

00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:54,265

Okay. Fair enough.

00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,143

Whoa!

00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:00,146

Rick:

Fucking cameras everywhere.

00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:03,149

That cup is a camera.

[Burps] That tree is a camera.

00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,483

Can you disable them?

00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,944

Stealth rule number one--

turning off 300 cameras

00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,071

draws more attention

than changing outfits.

00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,908

Looks like we need to

dress for success.

00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:16,037

Eye of Thundara,

give me suits beyond suits!

00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:19,165

Jerry, assistant clothing.

MAKE-UP!

00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:23,544

{\an8}♪

00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,921

What the hell was that?

00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,589

Reuseable "Sailor Moon"

sequence.

00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,591

If we ever need to show you

becoming my assistant again,

00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:30,509

we can repeat it

and save lots of money.

00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:32,678

[ Imitates R2-D2 beeping ]

00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:37,558

{\an8}♪

00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,852

Why does an operation

bigger than the government

00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:42,855

want me to...

couple with my mother?

00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,690

[ Indistinct conversations ]

00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:50,863

{\an8}♪

00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:56,953

{\an8}♪

00:08:56,953 --> 00:09:00,957

Whoa. Bezos? Bill Gates?

Prime ministers?

00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:03,125

Weirdly,

Billy Zane is also here.

00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:07,088

Hello. You're about to meet me,

Jennith Padrow-Chunt.

00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:09,715

15 years ago, I was living

in my parents' garage,

00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:13,219

eating ramen out of a toilet

when I discovered something.

00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,887

Fate isn't fiction.

00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,890

Everything you want

can be yours, if you ask for it.

00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,684

Just ask me.

00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,435

Hello, me.

00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,435

Hello, me.

00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:22,770

Look at me's.

00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:24,897

Every suit I wear

is virgin white.

00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,607

I sleep on a bed

of loose grains

00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:29,485

and begin every morning

by dragging my perfect vagina

00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:31,237

across Chinese silver grass.

00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,905

I'm firm and ripe.

00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:33,990

[ Cellphone dings ]

00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,408

My mother's plane

just landed.

00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,993

She took a photo

at the airport

00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,328

in front of that Wolfgang Puck

that smells like a kindergarten.

00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,707

Want to know the secret

to how I changed my future?

Yes.

00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,001

Well, once you're

a level seven investor,

00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:46,752

you'll learn that and more.

00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,921

Yeah, we're not getting

the answers we want here.

00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,464

Let's go deeper.

00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,258

[ Beep ]

00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,011

{\an8}♪

00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,430

And now, thanks to

your generous contributions,

00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,432

here are

this year's cookies.

00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,766

[ All crunch ]

00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,477

"You will receive a 6.8%

year-on-year increase."

00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,645

Very nice.

00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,397

"Your talents

are appreciated..."

00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,816

[gasps] "...when you become

junior partner."

00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:11,777

Holy shit! I'm going to be on

"Dancing with the Stars"!

00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,447

Please, I can get the money.

I swear! Gak!

00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,074

I'm afraid it's too late

for that.

00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,660

[Gags and gulps]

Oh, God, what does it say?

00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,078

"Your penis will be mangled

00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:24,248

by a frozen-yogurt machine

at the U.N."?

00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:25,625

I know that machine!

00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,126

This would sound impossible

to a layman,

00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:28,836

but to me

it rings inevitable!

00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:31,172

Holy shit.

This is real.

00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,049

They're controlling fate

for profit.

00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,467

I'm glad you're happy;

00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,302

Now can we blow up the building

or something?

00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,470

I don't think

that's the best way

00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,888

to take away

their power, Jerry.

00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,681

Let's take it in a way

that ends with us having it.

00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,099

You mean you having it.

00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:44,101

I'll share it.

Then you fuck my mom.

00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,562

That's not how it works,

and I already have.

00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:48,856

What?!

00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:48,856

Jesus, Jerry, come on.

00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:52,610

How unfortunate.

00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,820

Use the emergency fortunes!

00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,114

Fighting fortunes.

T-T-They're leveling up!

00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,786

"You'll have great success

in a fight."

00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,205

I'll be damned.

00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,539

[ Grunting ]

00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:07,333

Ha!

[ Grunting ]

00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,918

Yah!

[ Grunting ]

00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,169

Fuck!

This both sucks

00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:11,587

and is

really valuable data.

00:11:11,587 --> 00:11:12,797

Ha!

00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:14,507

Oh!

00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,008

Aah!

00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,468

Wha!

Rick, what are you doing?!

00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,220

Using you

as a human shield.

00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:19,220

You said it!

00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,555

You said the thing

I thought you were doing.

00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,184

We've got intruders.

And one of them...

00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:28,020

has an unresolved fortune.

00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,355

{\an8}[ Beeping]

00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,689

We need

that man's mother.

00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,566

Lot of mothers in the world,

ma'am.

00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,944

But only one of them is

Mrs.--

00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:37,405

ugh, God damn it--

Smith?

00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:42,451

{\an8}♪

00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,036

So are we going to ignore

00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,288

that you tried to stop bullets

using my body?

00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,915

You have

an unresolved fortune.

00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,000

Until you have sex with your

mom, you're basically immortal.

00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,128

Do you have any idea

how amazing that is?

00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,671

You don't even care

about me.

00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:56,257

You just want

fortune cookie power.

00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,008

Okay, Jerry,

how 'bout this?

00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,301

If it comes down to it,

00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,011

I promise I'll put a bullet

in her head.

00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,680

No!

Ah, you're right.

00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,306

The fortune didn't say

she'd be alive, did it?

00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,058

I hate you!

Hate productive things.

00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,894

Hate crawling through

a fucking air vent.

00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,272

Ah, those are those weird

hex-headed screws.

00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,565

Do your screwdriver fingers--

00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,567

Aah! Aah!

00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,902

[ Ominous music playing ]

00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:20,072

{\an8}♪

00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,408

[ Grunts ]

00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:31,083

{\an8}♪

00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,211

Well, at least we have

no idea what's going on.

00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:35,379

That's a LOCKER-ean.

00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,089

I-It's a species

that eats chaos.

00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,049

But it has

its digestive disorder.

00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,135

Its stomach is stripping

randomness from spacetime

00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,095

and leaving behind

super-dense pockets of energy

00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,514

that bend entropy

towards definable outcomes.

00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,057

I mean, th-that's

how fate works.

00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,434

It's a field,

like gravity,

00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,186

but instead of pulling

small toward big,

00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:51,645

it pulls unknown

toward known.

00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,522

Ah, so we do know

what's going on.

00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,441

We know this-- everyone

that's had a fortune cookie

00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,776

in the last 20 years

has eaten this thing's poop.

00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,988

Fortune cookies

are alien poop.

00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:02,573

These fortunes

are so basic.

00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:04,617

Why wouldn't you use this power

to change the world?

00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,453

Or at least get Nintendo

to make a portable VR headset?

00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,955

Ooh, this place ain't

for creatin' the future,

00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:11,624

but controllin' it.

00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,293

Hi, I'm Old.

Old M. Hucksbee.

00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:16,295

The "M" stands

for "Man."

00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:17,963

You're an arch

little character.

00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,632

You're the reason

fortune cookies suck?

00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,550

No, no, no,

that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.

00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,136

You have to glut the marketplace

with pointless fortunes

00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,971

to increase the value

of real ones.

00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:28,098

Controlling destiny

for a price--

00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:31,101

that's the Fortune 500's

fortune.

00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:33,145

And you're trying

to [burps] stop them?

00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,522

Just tryin' to get out.

00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:36,982

I want to be free

with this here alien gal

00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,359

so we can get married.

00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,069

Then we can have relations.

00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:42,446

Can't do that before marriage,

you know.

00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,572

I'm a Catholic.

00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,115

Uh, does the alien

want that?

00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:47,785

It's not exactly what I'd call

a sentient species.

00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:49,036

A man knows.

00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,579

What does this

have to do with me?

00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,665

You put this in my cookie.

00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,501

Yep. Oh, I've been tryin'

to get people's attention.

00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,295

I'd make fortunes saying,

"You're a-gonna break your leg

00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:00,589

unless you investigate

this cookie company,"

00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,299

or, "Please come help me

00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,176

or a virus will

shut down the world."

00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,178

Finally I just made

a bunch that said,

00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,847

"You're gonna have sex

with your own momma."

00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,183

How many? It--

What happened to the others?

00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,977

I 'spose they fucked

their moms.

00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:16,021

Now let's cut her chains

and get the hell outta here.

00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:17,856

[ Thud ]

00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,817

Well, shit on a spaghetti.

00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,402

Hello, Jerry Smith.

00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:24,363

Glad you could join us on

Bring Your Mother to Work day.

00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,115

Mom!

Hi, Jerry.

00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:29,034

Your friends picked me up

in a limousine.

00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:30,536

They said you won something,

00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:32,121

and I should be the one

to give it to you.

00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,248

You sick fucks.

00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:34,248

Are you guys

enjoying this?

00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:37,251

I used to think I was just

a regular white woman.

00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:40,004

Then I discovered

I could control my destiny.

00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,380

All white women

think that.

00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:43,549

The truth is, this alien

crashed in your yard

00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,842

and you ate its shit.

00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:46,677

How dare you!

What's your name?

00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,012

How dare you?!

00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,471

We should've blown up

the building.

00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,140

Doesn't matter.

All I was gonna say is,

00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:54,059

"Guess what, insert name?

Time for you to eat shit."

00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,227

But first...

[ Grunts ]

00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,520

Aah!

00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:58,731

Oh, no!

I'm so wet!

00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,025

Ah! No!

00:14:58,814 --> 00:15:01,025

Jerry!

Come back and block bullets.

00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:04,236

Authorizing the use

of prototype fortunes.

00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,779

[ All crunch ]

00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:07,948

[ Gunfire ]

00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:12,286

Fuck!

You can't hide!

00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:14,246

My fortune said,

"Headshots only."

00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:16,081

[ Morty grunting ]

00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:18,083

Harry! Greg! Lashawn!

Dave C.! Dave M.!

00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,418

Noooo!

00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,587

You piece of shit,

you killed my friends.

00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,088

Oh!

00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,341

Alright, what does

the future hold?

00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:29,762

Aah!

00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:33,265

{\an8}Maybe I can Pokémon

this shit.

00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,100

Blast him,

or we're both gonna die.

00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,685

Oh, God! Oh, God!

00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,145

Aaah!

Whoa!

00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:39,396

You control control water.

00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,939

Like, the water

inside a guy.

00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,858

That's a gross power.

00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:44,234

[ Gunfire ]

00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,448

I'm gonna let you live

because your fortune sucks.

00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,909

{\an8}You can't kill me!

I can't be killed!

00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:54,286

Trust me, that's not as good

as it sounds.

00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,746

Aaaaaaah!

00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,289

Ah! Ah! Aah!

00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,416

Oh, it hurts!

It burns!

00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,335

Fuck!

Oh, my God! My ribs!

00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:04,421

I can feel my shattered ribs!

00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,715

[ Gunfire ]

00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:11,428

{\an8}♪

00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,721

Shit, these are useless.

00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,139

Where are

the fighting fortunes?

00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,641

Ah, no-no-no-no-no!

00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,393

Those are blanks!

00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,771

Without fortunes, the effects

are completely unpredictable!

00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:22,898

Alright.

00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:25,526

{\an8}♪

00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:26,735

[ Gulps ]

00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:32,408

{\an8}♪

00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,993

I am the son of God!

00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:38,831

Ah!

00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:39,915

Jerry's mom:

Jerry!

00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,792

[ Sobbing ]

00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:41,792

Help me, Jerry!

00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:44,962

Mom! Stay away!

Just stay away!

00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,172

Come on

and fuck already!

00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:49,341

Ma'am, is it possible

we're being given a chance

00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,511

to take a step back

and examine our behavior?

00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,054

[ Baby crying ]

00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:55,889

You can't kill me,

old man.

00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:58,851

I also have

an unresolved fortune.

00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,520

{\an8}"The most successful

businesswoman on Earth?"

00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,606

You could do anything you wanted

and you chose... work?

00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,860

[ Chuckles ] Every day I get

closer to an unattainable goal.

00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:11,280

A one-woman lifestyle brand,

forever!

00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,823

Well, I just used

a dark web account

00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:14,867

to hack Goldman Sachs,

remove trillions of dollars,

00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,869

and purchase everything

your company offers.

00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,537

Congratulations!

You're officially

00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:20,664

the most successful

businesswoman on Earth.

00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:21,832

Fortune fulfilled.

00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,292

And now I'm emptying

your bank accounts

00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:24,752

and giving the money

back to Goldman Sachs,

00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:27,921

because I sit dead-center

on the alignment chart.

00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,965

You son of a bitch!

00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:31,842

How does it feel

to achieve your dreams?

00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:33,010

Empty, right?

00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,470

Like when DiCaprio

won the Oscar.

00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,221

You could see it

in his face.

00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:40,058

[ Echoing] I still have

one more dream--

00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:45,397

watching you die,

Rick Sanchez!

00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,066

Ha! You knew my name!

00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:52,654

{\an8}♪

00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:55,032

[ Roars ]

00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,159

[ Screams ]

00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,619

She's free! Run!

00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:01,163

Run, my beauty!

00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,376

[ Roars ]

00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,420

Well, butterfly

on a corncob.

00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:11,423

I see that I've romanticized

a wild animal

00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,884

the same way Margaret Howe did

when she jerked off

00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:16,261

that dolphin

in the 19-and-60s.

00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:19,389

Both she and I assaulted

a captive creature

00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,934

and expected it

to be reciprocal.

00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,852

[ Thud ]

00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:23,852

Welp, joopityboot.

00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,229

Time to die.

00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,105

[ Roars ]

00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:29,274

Ah!

00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,694

Follow me, my queen!

00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:37,908

That's all the bad guys down.

We almost got this, Jer.

00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:40,702

Ah!

00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:43,747

{\an8}♪

00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,249

No!

00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:47,334

Oh, sticks-to-walls guy,

00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:50,295

I-I-I guess

we were both wrong.

00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,839

Oh, God.

00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,674

[ Rumbling ]

00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:56,009

[ Roars ]

00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:57,135

Oh! Ah!

00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,096

Ah! Oh!

[ Screams ]

00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:01,515

Aaaah!

Rick! Please!

00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:03,058

Jerry,

I've got the creature.

00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:05,227

I knew it.

I knew it.

00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,896

God damn it!

00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,066

Aaaaaaaah!

00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:13,819

Oh, God!

00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,029

Aaaaah!

00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,990

God damn it.

00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,077

[ Screams ]

00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,206

Ah. Holy shit,

that was close.

00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:27,291

Close to what?

00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,001

Close to everyone

but your son

00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,794

getting anything

they want forever.

00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,087

You saved me.

00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:34,173

I will never stop

holding this over you,

00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,841

as if that buys me anything.

00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,676

We should get you

some clothes, son.

00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:38,719

Oh, oh!

00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,263

[ Exciting music plays ]

00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:42,973

{\an8}♪

00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,892

I can just feel

the savings.

00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,020

Hey, wait, uh...

00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,522

Got this at the crazy place

we just were.

00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:53,358

It may look like someone

stuck a hand-written fortune

00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:55,027

in there last second,

but I'm pretty sure

00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,737

that's just the way

it came.

00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,864

Besides,

these don't mean anything.

00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,282

[ Crunches ]

00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,242

Jerry, while I appreciate

the sentiment,

00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,037

this is a huge waste

of the last real fortune.

00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,039

Oh. I'm sorry.

I just--

00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,415

It's cool, it's cool.

00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,250

Thanks, friend.

Friend?!

00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:11,710

Did you just say friend?

What?

00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,211

W-W-What did I do?

00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,211

You fucking idiot!

00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:14,671

I'm not your friend!

00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:15,839

Why did you think

I was your friend?

00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,174

Look at this

you piece of shit.

00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:19,176

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so?

00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,176

I was immortal!

00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:20,719

I was immortal

for that whole fight.

00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,763

All I had to do was

never make a new friend.

00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:24,306

Jesus fucking Christ, Jerry.

00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:25,515

I'm sorry!

We're not friends!

00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,808

Yeah, too late, bonehead.

00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,518

It doesn't say

"new permanent friend."

00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:31,521

All friendships end,

especially new ones.

00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:35,484

Well, maybe that's a fate

the two of us still control.

00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:40,697

[ Crying ]

00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,699

I'm-- I'm sorry

I did that.

00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,409

It's fine.

00:20:45,827 --> 00:21:05,263

{\an8}♪

00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:24,574

{\an8}♪

00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:27,577

Man: The zoo. Animals.

Balloons. Moats. Cages.

00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,037

A fun time

for the whole family.

00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,248

But you don't care about that.

You're a zebra.

00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:33,542

You're here for the unparalleled

dining experience

00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,752

of hand-fed zebra food. Delicious.

00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,379

He-- Hey, wait.

Don't eat--

00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,673

Th-- That's for the zebras.

It's making you sick!

00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:41,049

What are you doing?

00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,467

Jesus, why have they left

all the zebra-feeding

00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:43,802

to the people

who come to the zoo?

00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,429

Is that the only way

the zebras can get food?

00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,389

They're so hungry.

What the fuck is happening?

00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:48,807

We're out of zebra food.

Okay?

00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:50,726

There's no food left.

Don't come to the zoo.

00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:52,811

This was supposed to be

a commercial for zebras,

00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:54,438

targeted to zebras.

00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:55,856

The premise itself

was questionable, but this--

00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:57,315

this is a nightmare!

00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:58,942

Don't go to the zoo.

Stay away from the zoo.

00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:00,402

Oh, God, what are you doing

in the booth?

00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,070

Get out!

Get out, you're mad with--

00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:03,530

[ Gunshot]

00:22:03,530 --> 00:22:07,159

Man #2: Ow. Eat it.

Eat zebra food.

00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:09,661

Okay, um. I guess I can't

blame Dad for being confused

00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:11,204

about what to do

with the zebra food.

00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:13,415

Also, I have no idea why

they're running this ad,

00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:14,833

like, on a loop?

00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:16,668

There were murders in it,

and it was specifically

00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:18,587

telling you to do the thing

it didn't want you to do

00:22:18,587 --> 00:22:20,338

until the very end,

when it reversed.

00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,549

Why would they sell

the zebra food in the gift shop,

00:22:22,549 --> 00:22:25,177

unless-- I mean,

do the zebras shop in here?

00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:26,762

Are we the ones in the zoo?

00:22:26,762 --> 00:22:28,013

Oh, is that the twist?

00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:29,973

Okay, we're-- it's a human zoo.

Got it.

00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:33,018

Did you get any of that?

00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:37,481

{\an8}♪