Дед благодарения

00:00:13,143 --> 00:00:15,319

Are we -- are we gonna put it

back when we're done with it?

00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:17,887

Why? The only thing of value on

it is the secret treasure map.

00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:19,497

The rest is just instructions

for running a country,

00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:20,933

and I'm pretty sure

they're online.

00:00:20,977 --> 00:00:22,457

It just feels a little wrong --

00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:23,980

Morty, are you gonna be

a fucking America nerd

00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,286

or are you gonna be cool

00:00:25,329 --> 00:00:26,939

and steal the Constitution

with Grandpa?

00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,509

Here, hold this while I

crack the hermetic seal.

00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:34,382

W-Why not

just use this again?

00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:35,948

[ Ding! ]

00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,607

Morty!

You just destroyed the map

00:00:42,651 --> 00:00:44,740

and activated the giant assassin

hidden in the Statue of Liberty!

00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:46,437

I'm sorry --

w-wait, what?

00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,613

It was a Trojan horse, Morty.

Never trust the French.

00:00:48,657 --> 00:00:50,311

Alright, fun's fun, but now

the federal government's

00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:52,226

gonna be pissed again.

Way to go.

00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,705

And on America's birthday

00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,403

or whatever the fuck

Thanksgiving is.

00:00:55,446 --> 00:01:03,802

♪♪

00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:12,159

♪♪

00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:20,515

♪♪

00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:28,914

♪♪

00:01:28,958 --> 00:01:30,177

Seal Team Leader:

Rick and Morty!

00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:31,526

You are under arrest

and surrounded

00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:33,093

by an anti-portal shimmer!

00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:34,224

Come out

with your hands up!

00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:36,400

Well,

Happy Thanksgiving to me.

00:01:36,444 --> 00:01:38,881

Can't wait to see what

a "shimmer" does to my prostate.

00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:41,013

Dad, can you please

just end whatever this is --

00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:42,841

I understand you're upset,

Mr. President.

00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,539

It's honestly

all Morty's fault.

00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:46,280

But in the meantime, you really

want to keep your army

00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,804

of pointlessly camouflaged

Eagle Scouts off my lawn.

00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,675

Don't tell me what I want,

you anti-American

00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:52,024

piece of shit,

you terrorist!

00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:53,504

You know, you use that word

so much

00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:55,071

it's lost all meaning,

Mr. P.

00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,681

It's like, at this point,

what's a terrorist?

00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:58,292

It's a guy you don't like.

Big deal.

00:01:58,335 --> 00:01:59,728

Hoo-rah!

00:02:02,034 --> 00:02:03,819

[ Screaming ]

00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,168

Told you to stand down.

00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,605

You just lost two soldiers

over here. Good men.

00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:09,172

Might be time to look

at the terrorist in the mirror.

00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:10,869

You want a war?!

00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:13,045

I'll put your outer-space ass

in a goddamn Phantom Zone

00:02:13,089 --> 00:02:14,743

with a bar of kryptonite soap

around your neck.

00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,701

You're done, Sanchez!

You hear me?

00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:18,399

Oof.

He's really pissed this time.

00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:19,922

Why don't you guys just fuck

and get it over with.

00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,184

Okay, well thank you,

Summer,

00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,620

but I think

I've got a better option.

00:02:22,664 --> 00:02:23,839

Dad, no.

Ehh...

00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,536

hands are tied,

sweetie.

00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,190

I have to turn myself into

a turkey and trick the President

00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,018

into giving me

a Presidential turkey pardon.

00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:31,238

Again? How many times

have you done this?

00:02:31,281 --> 00:02:32,717

I don't know, Jerry, how many

years have I lived here?

00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:34,241

Careful how you answer that.

00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,112

Geez, Rick, y'know,

y-you've done this a lot.

00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,070

Don't you think the President

might see it coming this time?

00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:40,812

He probably will, Morty.

That's all part of the dance.

00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,249

In the past,

I've inserted myself

00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:44,338

into the potential turkey

pardonee population

00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:45,774

by brainwashing

the presidential turkey wrangler

00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:47,341

prior to the ceremony.

00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:49,560

But this time, the turkey

wrangler's been euthanized

00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:50,909

and the turkeys

will be transported

00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,694

by armored military vehicles.

00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:56,045

Vehicles manufactured by ghost

corporations that I control.

00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,482

-Which we have audited.

-Allowing me access to...

00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:00,005

-Central computers...

-To track the...

00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:02,225

Real armored transports,

which he can never...

00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:03,661

Totally track

and sneak aboard.

00:03:03,705 --> 00:03:05,272

And even if he does,

he'll be on a truck

00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:07,578

full of turkeys

and fully armed marines.

00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:09,537

Who won't recognize me

because the human eye

00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,365

is inherently face blind

to turkeys.

00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:14,237

President: Fortunately, those

marines won't have human eyes.

00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:15,847

They'll have turkey eyes.

00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,936

Jesus ever-loving Christ,

why don't you two

00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,764

just fuck

and get it over with?

00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,549

Careful, Dwayne.

You're only Vice President

00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:23,377

because I need 10%

of the white vote.

00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,075

There's a giant French assassin

attacking New York,

00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:28,295

and you're using the war room

to measure dicks

00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:30,297

with your alcoholic

sci-fi boyfriend?

00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,994

Rick Sanchez

is more dangerous

00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:34,039

than some steam-powered

French bitch,

00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,216

and New York can handle its own

global emergencies.

00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:38,479

General?

Initiate Operation Deep Gobble.

00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:41,612

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

00:03:41,656 --> 00:03:43,484

Coop,

not on Thanksgiving.

00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:44,963

It's what I trained for,

Mary Lou.

00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:46,835

It ain't our fight.Baby.

00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:49,446

That little race car driver

you got bakin' in your belly.

00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,274

What world you want him

rearin' up in?

00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,668

One where some...

spiky-haired Doctor Who

00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:55,974

in a lab coat can

change the color of the sky?

00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:58,325

Or a world where he can fill

his pickup with hot dogs

00:03:58,368 --> 00:03:59,978

and drive it to a jukebox

00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:02,285

full of our demographic's

current favorite music?

00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:03,982

Obviously the latter,

but --

00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:06,289

Well, that world, Mary Lou,

the one with those meals,

00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:09,466

vehicles, and songs people in

this 30-mile area prefer...

00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,163

that world needs

a few good men.

00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:12,861

In a secret Pentagon lab.

00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,384

Turning into turkeys.

00:04:14,428 --> 00:04:16,560

You come back without feathers,

Coop.

00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:20,260

God, I love this country.

00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,480

Hoooo-ah!

00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:25,874

♪ I got a pregnant girl

and a pickup truck ♪

00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:28,006

♪ I got one by choice

and the other by luck ♪

00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:32,228

♪ But now it's time

to turn into a turkey ♪

00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,535

♪ I hope there

can be peace one day ♪

00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:36,580

♪ Till then, I pray my DNA

00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:38,190

♪ Gets backed up

00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,454

General Green: These pills

contain tracking chips

00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:42,673

that identify each of you

as individuals.

00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:45,676

That will be important later.

00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,070

♪ Gobble, gobble

00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:50,377

♪ Gobble, gobble

00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:54,772

♪ When I turn into a turkey

00:04:54,816 --> 00:05:00,038

♪♪

00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:02,867

Alright, boys,

search every bird.

00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:05,348

If Sanchez is here,

I wanna hear you gobblin'.

00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,828

Let me look at you,

scum.

00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:08,351

Get outta here,

you wobbleneck.

00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,919

Sarge, this -- this ain't

like the simulation, man.

00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:12,747

I don't like it

-Keep it together, Martinez.

00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:14,357

Eyes are on the ground,

sir.

00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:16,533

No sign of Einstein.Stay frosty, gentlemen.

00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:19,971

I want this pardoning pipeline

airtight.

00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:21,756

Sir!

We have hacked the garage door.

00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,497

We are in.

Eyes on the bogey.

00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:25,237

Or you've got eyes

on a robot.

00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:27,675

All due respect, sir,

I know flesh when I see it!

00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:30,286

Those flesh-covered [burps]

robots should buy us some time.

00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,462

The pardonable turkeys

should be on that truck.

00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,812

Ship, go stealth.

00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:37,380

Rodriguez, Fincher.

Get eyes on that.

00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,469

Huh.

Turkey Marines.

00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:41,123

The President

came to play.

00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,124

Jam those two radios.

00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,255

Ship: Confirmed.

00:05:43,299 --> 00:05:45,127

[ Radio static ]Ah! Geez!

00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,443

Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!

00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:58,140

Copy, copy, tango,

all good.

00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:00,795

Just a couple of branches

on the roof.

00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,797

Don't ever turn your radio

off again.

00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,320

-We will not surrender.

-We will never surrender.

00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,800

-We will not surrender.

-Oh, yeah?

00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:07,932

Bring in

the David Blaine box.

00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:11,675

Damn, is that

a David Blaine box?

00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,938

I told you we should have just

gone to my parents' house.

00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:15,940

No, you didn't.Well, I didn't say it out loud,

00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,464

but it should be

well known by now

00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,204

that I'd always

rather be there.

00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:20,641

-Oh, God, oh no!

-Aw, geez, Rick!

00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:22,599

Sir, we've got Rick and Morty

inside the box!

00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,166

Then that confirms it.Sir?

00:06:24,209 --> 00:06:26,821

No David Blaine box

can hold Rick Sanchez.

00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:28,083

Scan the turkey truck!

00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:29,476

Huh. That's weird.

00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,521

ID chips for Fincher

and Rodriguez are glitching.

00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:32,740

Sanchez...

00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:34,611

I'll deal with

this bastard myself.

00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:35,743

Sir, don't be a cowboy.

00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,353

You can't

get re-elected dead.

00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,094

System is calibrated,

sir.

00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,965

That pill contains a tracking

chip that will identify --

00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:43,011

I know,

it'll be important later!

00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:44,621

Do it.

00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:47,102

[ Screams ]

00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:49,017

Reporter: Moments from now,

00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:51,106

the President will be

pardoning a turkey...

00:06:53,674 --> 00:06:55,066

Home stretch, Morty.

00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:57,025

Here comes dip shit

right on schedule.

00:06:57,068 --> 00:06:59,593

Nothing can go wrong now.

00:06:59,636 --> 00:07:00,855

Morty: Jesus, is that --Oh, shit.

00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,204

The President

has the upper hand.

00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:03,727

G-Grandpa fucked up.

Sunglasses on.

00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,512

Act like a turkey.

What? Wha--

Are you scared?

00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:07,209

Act like a turkey!

00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,169

That's Rodriguez

and Fincher, sir.

00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:13,868

It's Rick and Morty, you

useless fucking stump humper!

00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:16,348

Sorry, don't tell 10% of

your friends I called you that.

00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:17,480

Mr. President.

00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,351

Sanchez, admit it.

You lose.

00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:21,223

Say it and I'll let

your loser ass go.

00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:22,790

[ Exhales ]

00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,661

Did you just try to spit

in my face with no saliva gland?

00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:26,663

Just pardon me, dick.Why the hell would I?

00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,317

Oh, I dunno,

'cause if I move to Canada,

00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,579

they'll be the best country!

00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:31,494

I'll peck your

Goddamn eyes out!

00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:32,800

Ow!

Hey!

00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,497

Shit!

My plume!

00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:36,543

Hey, back off!

00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:38,893

Blueberries!

We got blueberries down!

00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:40,895

Hold your positions,

it's a feeding frenzy!

00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:42,200

I-I can't see.

00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:43,506

I mean, I can see.

00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:47,902

270 degrees --

it's too many degrees!

00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:50,252

Sir, we are losing

the mental game down here.

00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:51,471

General Green:

Keep it together, soldier!

00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,211

POTUS is still in that pen --

00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,916

We just lost New York

to France!

00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,526

Pull out the President

right now!

00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,746

Gobble Tango --

I want POTUS out of that pen!

00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:08,139

That is an order!

Locate the president's chip!

00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:09,706

Roger, roger.

00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,055

There he is, I got him.

00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:13,275

Let's go, boys!

Let's fly out the Eagle!

00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,234

Hey, that's not me!

00:08:16,278 --> 00:08:19,847

Package is secure.

Pull us out.

00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:23,241

Computer:

Reinjecting subject DNA.

00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:25,766

[ All scream ]

00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:33,469

Hoppin' Jehovah, you look

like five pounds of shit

00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,036

in a whore's lunchbox.

00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:36,907

You alright,

Mr. President?

00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:38,561

Yes.

I am...

00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:39,997

the President.

00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,304

Clean his ass up

and get him to the War Room.

00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:43,653

Hey!

Gobble Squad!

00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,350

You got the wrong guy,

you morons!

00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:46,787

[ Gobbling ]

00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:48,702

Look at this dumb piece

of shit. Gobbling away.

00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:50,617

Get back in there!

00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:53,533

Alright boys, you heard the VP.

Pardon is tits up.

00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:55,056

Pack up and ship out!

00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,887

As for you, Sanchez...

00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,541

bon appétit.

00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:05,936

Where is

this elevator going?

00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:08,199

Where all the

unchosen turkeys go.

00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,071

The feeding chamber.

00:09:11,638 --> 00:09:13,553

[ Creature roars ]

00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,076

What the fuck

is that?

00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:17,165

Not what...who.

00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:20,211

The only thing to fear is...

me!

00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:21,604

How the fuck does

the White House

00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,519

have a cloned spider

of FDR?

00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,999

It's no clone,

it's FDR.

00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:26,696

He was a guinea pig

for the polio vaccine.

00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:29,046

We asked ourselves

"What walks the most?"

00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:30,787

"We?"

You're taking credit for this?

00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,964

The office comes with baggage,

Morty.

00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,226

Rick,

I'm afraid to die!

00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:36,663

You won't have to be for long,

Morty!

00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:37,925

We're due to return

to human form any second!

00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,361

Then what?

00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:41,058

Then we just have to not

get eaten by the spider!

00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:42,843

Oh, so in other words,

be afraid to die?

00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:44,409

Morty, if winning an argument

is that important to you,

00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:45,628

you were never alive!

00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:48,283

Time for a New Deal...

Murder!

00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,459

President: I'm sick of hearing

how iconic you were!

00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:54,028

Try having an historical

administration after Facebook

00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:57,379

goes online,

you old-timey bitch!

00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,816

Morty,

tear open that panel!

00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,079

How's this

for a fireside chat?

00:10:02,123 --> 00:10:05,169

[ Screaming ]

00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,518

Woof.

You just killed FDR.

00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:07,955

He was a monster,

though.

00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,913

Don't mythologize him.

He was a politician.

00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:12,089

Speaking of, you kind of saved

our bacon there,

00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:13,395

so I'll make you a deal.

00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,179

You pardon us

and I'll make you human.

00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:16,659

Wrong turkey.

00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:18,443

Man,

the face blindness is real.

00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:22,056

I'd like these...

men...

00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:23,840

turned back into humans,

please.

00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:25,537

Uh, yes, of course,

Mr. President.

00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,714

But I thought we

already rehumanized

00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,106

all the turkified marines.

00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:32,066

I'd like these men

turned back into humans.

00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,241

I am the President.

00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:34,546

Yes, sir.

Uh, sure thing.

00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:38,986

Increase their strength

by 1,000%.

00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:41,379

But...

that wouldn't be human.

00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:45,557

Turkeys have always been

more than human.

00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,735

Okay, uh, so right there,

now I'm starting to --

00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:54,741

I am selling New York

to France.

00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:57,918

And giving all of the money

to Congress.

00:10:57,961 --> 00:10:59,484

[ Cheering ]

00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:00,703

Now that's how you do it!

00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,531

He became President today.

00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:04,838

[ Gasping, murmuring ]

00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,274

That's right, murmur!

00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:07,928

And when you're done,

get me some pants.

00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:10,365

If you're the President,

who the hell have we been

00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,802

governing the country with

for the last three hours?

00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,543

An impostor, you good

for nothing idiot!

00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:16,458

You humanized

the wrong turkey!

00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:17,807

It's possible.

00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:20,070

We shouldn't leave

anything to chance.

00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:23,900

Wouldn't want Congress working

with the wrong president.

00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:26,555

A very good point,

Mr. President.

00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,296

Do we believe

this fine feathered,

00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,777

collaborative gentleman

to be our commander-in-chief?

00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:34,171

Or are we gonna let "Mr. Cash

Bar at the Christmas Party"

00:11:34,215 --> 00:11:35,477

stay in office?

00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,132

All in favor of

Turkey President?

00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:39,394

You can't be serious.

00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:40,830

You think he cares

about America?

00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,180

Is that why this is happening

to you?

00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:46,706

Because you cared

about America?

00:11:46,749 --> 00:11:48,795

Guards, these men are...

00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:49,839

oh, what is the word?

00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:51,493

Uh, terrorists.

00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:54,365

Okay, screw this.

Go, Go, Sanchez laser fists.

00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:57,325

Oh, shit, I was a turkey

for a while, wasn't I?

00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:59,196

Okay, guy's pretty strong.

00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,720

Mary Todd Lincoln!

00:12:03,984 --> 00:12:05,942

Who's dead weight now,

bitch?

00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:09,467

♪♪

00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:13,602

You should regain feeling

in your ass in a minute.

00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:15,212

Sorry my turrets

blew up your motorcycle.

00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,866

Just give me

some goddamn clothes.

00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:18,955

Must suck to have your only

safe haven be my house.

00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,348

Y-you want

your regular outfit

00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:21,828

or should we dress you

like a terrorist?

00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,830

I don't need to be here,

and I'm still the President.

00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,788

Oh, glad to hear it. That means

you can give me that pardon.

00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:27,355

Or -- Or I could put you

out with the trash.

00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,487

What is your problem?!

Why do you hate this country?

00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,402

I hate every country

in the universe, brother!

00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:32,795

They're job placement

programs

00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,318

for the politicians

that invent them --

00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:35,798

Okay,

Fight Club.

00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:38,235

I get paid to protect

the sidelines you sit on!

00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:39,846

You get paid

to make sports metaphors!

00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:41,325

I clean your litterbox!

00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:43,545

So your little nerd paws

don't have to touch

00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:45,765

another nerd's nerdy poopies

while you're flexing

00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,810

your grody little edge lord anus

all over it!

00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,812

Guys, maybe you're both right

and both wrong.

00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:51,379

Both: Shut up, Morty!

00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,250

You little bitch, you destroyed

the Constitution.

00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:54,643

You're the biggest

booger eater here!

00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:57,341

Do nottalk to my son

that way.

00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:58,778

Sorry, Mrs. Smith.

00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:00,127

The two of you

are ruining Thanksgiving.

00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,606

Together.

00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:02,738

And you can both either

come to the table

00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,522

and eat food with my family

00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:07,830

or you can keep doing what

you're doing at the corner bar.

00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:09,876

Bars actually suck

at Thanksgiving.

00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:12,226

Dorothy: I'm still trying to

sort through this.

00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,793

One of you wishes you had

the personal quality

00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,490

known as courage

00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,579

but the other two of you

want actual vital organs?

00:13:17,622 --> 00:13:19,929

This Charlie Kaufman reboot

of "Wizard of Oz"

00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:21,626

is destroying itself.

00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,063

That's why I need a brain!

00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:26,240

I'm doing a terrible job

writing this!

00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:28,851

Pass the potatoes.

00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,505

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:32,289

Good green beans, Mom.

00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,552

The turkey's raw, Dad.

Shit's potato bunz.

00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,598

Sorry, Summer,

the United States enclosed us

00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:39,079

in a shimmer bubble

that scrambled my oven timer.

00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:41,429

So I guess elections

dohave consequences.

00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:44,214

Eat my ass, Jerry.

I've seen your IRS records.

00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:46,434

You can blame me

once you have taxable income.

00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,305

[ Laughs ] Yes, Jerry is

a piece of shit.

00:13:48,349 --> 00:13:49,785

I agree.[ News fanfare plays]

00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,787

Um, guys?

What's that?

00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,181

Paula, as you can see,

President Curtis has enacted

00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:56,270

a plan to turn

all turkeys in America

00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:57,880

into hybrid super soldiers.

00:13:57,924 --> 00:13:59,882

The move has 100% approval

from Congress

00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,971

following its third pay raise

in six hours.

00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:02,972

Back to you.

00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:07,281

♪♪

00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,196

My God,

the bastard's unhinged!

00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,198

There won't be a single bird

left in DC!

00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:13,809

Oh, wow, wiping out a native

population on Thanksgiving?

00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,377

That's never happened before.What did you just say?

00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:18,248

Well, I-I associated

Thanksgiving with genocide.

00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,381

It's what young people do.

I wasn't trying to --

00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:22,078

The Crypt

of the New World.

00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:24,341

That could be our one chance

to turn this thing around.

00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:25,647

You know

about the Crypt?

00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,301

Ugh, so the treasure's

already gone.

00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:29,477

Wait, is that why you were

stealing the Constitution?

00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:30,913

You old fart dick.

00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,610

The Crypt of the New World

isn't a treasure.

00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,177

But it might be our only hope.

Come on.

00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:36,353

But isn't the crypt

underneath DC?

00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:38,007

The Turkey President's

got an army.

00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,748

An actual Army.

And an Air Force.

00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:41,141

And Marines --Slow down, Morty.

00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:42,577

Walk us through

every military service.

00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:43,883

Does somebody have a pen?

00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:45,145

We've got something

more powerful

00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:46,798

than every army

in the world.

00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:49,192

Well, no, we don't,

but with the right speech,

00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,977

we could get a handful

of well-trained hillbillies.

00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,717

Eh, it worked against

the British. I'm in.

00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,590

Birds replacin' people.

00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,071

What would Johnny Cash

or Dale Earnhardt say?

00:14:58,114 --> 00:15:00,334

He'd say "It's time

to walk the line"

00:15:00,377 --> 00:15:02,336

or "Drive very fast

between two of them."

00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:04,077

We don't serve

your kind here.

00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,556

Oh, my God,

are you serious?

00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,254

Read the sign.

00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:08,342

He's my boss, Marvin.

00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:09,647

It's okay.

00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:11,998

Mistrusting Presidents

is a patriotic duty.

00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:13,782

And that guy on TV

isn't me.

00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:16,002

He's a turkey

infused with my DNA.

00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,917

I'll be damned.

00:15:20,397 --> 00:15:21,877

Well,

I'm racist.

00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,184

You better not be here

to take my man again.

00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:25,794

-Mary Lou.

-I'm poor!

00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:26,882

And pregnant!

00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,188

With a poor person!

00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,667

And I need you.

00:15:29,711 --> 00:15:31,408

And 10% of your baby.

00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:34,934

Now, look, I know it's gonna

take more than some speech.

00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,587

But what is a speech?

00:15:36,631 --> 00:15:38,372

Isn't it just a question?

00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,113

And isn't that a question too?

00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,723

Speeches are words.

00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:42,942

Repeated words.

00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:44,291

Listed words.

00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:46,032

Repeated lists

of repeated words.

00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,642

None of that matters.

00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:48,991

You know what does matter?

00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,254

Me. Asking you.

00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:53,865

"Will you do what I say?"

00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:55,824

Just two questions,

Chief.

00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:59,045

Lock?

And load?

00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:00,263

They're rhetorical, sir!

00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,395

Lock and load!

00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:03,179

[ Cheering ]

00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:11,405

♪♪

00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:13,929

Sir, we've got Rick and Morty

coming in what appears to be

00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,931

an unlicensed

"Star Wars" AT-AT.

00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,412

Or as the millennials say,

A-T, A-T.

00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:19,761

So it begins.

00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:20,762

Gobblers!

00:16:20,805 --> 00:16:22,372

Tonight, we rise!

00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:24,940

[ Gobbles ]

00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:30,467

♪♪

00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,816

Aww, geez, geez, geez.

00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,559

Nice driving, Sanchez.

00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,257

Wire's down,

pen is clear.

00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:38,649

You know the Goddamn rules!

00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:39,955

If you see something clucking

or pecking,

00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,391

put a buckshot

in its panties.

00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:47,093

[ Roars ]

00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:55,492

♪♪

00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:57,886

Jesus Christ!

T-they got Johnson!

00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,453

He got off easy.

00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,150

Cooper: Hold off the bastards!

00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,066

What now, Rick?

00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,633

Time to turn up

the broiler.

00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:07,287

[ Roars ]

00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:12,292

♪♪

00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:13,771

Whoa, i-is that --

00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:15,860

The Crypt of

the New World.

00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:21,170

The treasure you were after

is this country's oldest secret.

00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:25,044

One disguised by centuries

of Thanksgiving folklore.

00:17:27,916 --> 00:17:30,136

Is that...

a turkey dinosaur?

00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:31,789

America's original rulers.

00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:35,097

Merciless beasts, grazing on

the flesh of cowering humans.

00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,708

Then, in the 15th century,

a vessel crashed.

00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:38,840

Two vessels, really.

00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,669

On board --

our saviors.

00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,976

Sanchez, pull that lever

at the same time I do.

00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:53,985

♪♪

00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:55,161

[ All growl ]

00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:57,250

Oh, shit,

they're gonna fight!

00:17:57,293 --> 00:17:58,990

Morty:

No, wait, they love each other!

00:17:59,034 --> 00:18:00,688

They were at war

when they arrived,

00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:03,169

but they united over

their hatred of turkeys.

00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:05,214

And what they love even more

than each other

00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:06,955

is kicking turkey butt.

00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:07,999

Gentlemen!

00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:10,263

Ba'ruka Dar Tin'in Yo-Tei!

00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,747

Coooooooooorn!

00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:22,405

♪♪

00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:23,972

It's working!

00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:26,279

Come on, Sanchez, let's power

down the humanizer ray.

00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:32,633

Whose side are we on?

00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:34,939

I don't know, but we've done

enough to pay for college.

00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:37,942

Look, we're almost there.

00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:40,858

Sorry,

my turn for a surprise.

00:18:40,902 --> 00:18:42,904

Damn, this guy loves

arriving from the shadows.

00:18:42,947 --> 00:18:45,298

Look around. You can't

beat our ancient warriors.

00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:48,692

Can't I? My kind has always

dealt with predators.

00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:50,738

That's why

we sleep in trees.

00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:53,828

And that's why, in the wild,

we fly.

00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:55,960

♪♪

00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:58,180

Now you must choose ---

00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:00,748

Fight me,

or stop that weapon from turning

00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:04,404

all of America's turkeys

into a new master race.

00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:05,927

You dumb dip shit,

there's three of us,

00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:07,233

and two of us

are spacemen.

00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:09,148

Obviously they're gonna

save America

00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,279

and bring that

monument home,

00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:12,238

and I'm gonna

kick your ass.

00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,543

Oh, and, Sanchez?

00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,023

You got your pardon.

Aw.

00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:16,981

Shut up, Morty.

Come on.

00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,505

Let's go, bitch.

00:19:18,548 --> 00:19:20,159

So be it.

00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,684

Is it true

what Turkey Man said?

00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:24,859

That turkeys

sleep in trees?

00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:26,208

Who the hell cares,

Morty?

00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,949

Let's just [burps] deactivate

this shit.

00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,603

Calibrating.

[ Gobbles]

00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:31,953

Targeting all American turkeys.

00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:33,389

Oh, my God,

they gave it a voice?

00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:36,218

Who is this for?

We're in space.

00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:37,959

Geez, Rick,

I-I-I guess them?

00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:39,395

Morty, use this carefully.

00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:40,788

Crack the humanizer core

and cut the blue wire.

00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,093

You hear me?

Blue wire.

00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:43,399

Wha-- Why don't we

just blow it up?

00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:44,835

It's a national monument,

fuck nut!

00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,228

We just got pardoned.

00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,056

You really wanna do this again

next year?

00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:52,887

[ Both grunting ]

00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,367

You forgot something,

Turkey Man.

00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,978

No matter what you got people

to believe,

00:19:57,021 --> 00:19:59,154

I'm still

the Goddamn President.

00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,375

And you forget, in the one day

I've had your job,

00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:04,812

I've learned

10 times as much.

00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:06,466

I've underestimated you.

00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:08,250

For the last time.

00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:13,212

♪♪

00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:15,301

Rick, they're not exactly

primary colors!

00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:17,303

A-Are -- Are we cool with, like,

t-turquoise?

00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:19,522

Are you kidding me, Morty?

Just cut the damn thing!

00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:20,610

[ Gobbles ]

00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:24,135

Oh, shit, oh, fuck --

00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:26,486

Targets acquired.

Activating weapon.

00:20:26,529 --> 00:20:29,706

Oh, shit! Oooooooh!

00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,447

Heritage destroyed.

00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:32,579

Morty!

00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:37,018

God damn it,

you had one job!

00:20:43,111 --> 00:20:44,982

[ Groans ]

00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:46,288

I beat you.

00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,203

Look at me,

you turkey ass bitch.

00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,857

[ Laughs ]

00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,554

Wait, why are you --

00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:53,295

Is that a wishbone?

00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,384

I wish to explode.

00:20:55,428 --> 00:20:58,039

[ Laughs ]

00:20:58,082 --> 00:21:02,348

♪♪

00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,088

Man:

The Berlin Wall has come down.

00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:05,525

Man #2:

It's called the Playstation.

00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,353

The winner is...

"Shakespeare in Love."

00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,050

-Playstation 2.

-Hurricane Katrina

00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:11,052

slams Louisiana...

-Playstation 3.

00:21:11,095 --> 00:21:12,575

-This is Maroon Five...

-Playstation 4.

00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:16,144

-The Cubbies win!

-I want a Playstation 5.

00:21:16,187 --> 00:21:17,406

[ Gasping ]

00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:18,929

I wasn't sure when

to pull you out.

00:21:18,973 --> 00:21:21,105

I-I assumed you were running

through your whole life.

00:21:21,149 --> 00:21:22,237

Yes.

00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,239

And what a life it was.

00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:27,808

Gentlemen, thank you once again

for saving this nation.

00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:29,723

Slloosh garg blurrg.

00:21:29,766 --> 00:21:31,290

I don't speak googa.

00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,379

The CIA only taught me

your activation phrase.

00:21:33,422 --> 00:21:34,858

But if I could say

anything...

00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:38,471

I'd say give America

one more chance.

00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:44,520

Kalaak 'ha

benben prilo garg.

00:21:44,564 --> 00:21:46,740

Oh, my God, they're gonna fight.

Th-They're really gonna fight.

00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:49,960

-Aw, they love each other!

-Never gets old.

00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:51,484

I'll never get tired

of that.

00:21:51,527 --> 00:21:53,790

So...after those aliens

discovered America...

00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:55,401

They went into

hibernation,

00:21:55,444 --> 00:21:58,752

leaving us the technology

we used to lead the free world.

00:21:58,795 --> 00:22:01,015

That and also to do stuff

like slavery.

00:22:01,058 --> 00:22:03,104

I always thought we were...

more special than that.

00:22:03,147 --> 00:22:05,106

Like we invented everything

and did everything

00:22:05,149 --> 00:22:06,586

and that's why

we own everything.

00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,805

Now I-I-I-I don't know

what to feel.

00:22:08,849 --> 00:22:10,503

Feel thankful, Morty.

00:22:10,546 --> 00:22:12,331

Feel thankful.

00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:20,208

♪♪

00:22:20,251 --> 00:22:28,085

♪♪

00:22:28,129 --> 00:22:35,963

♪♪

00:22:36,006 --> 00:22:43,840

♪♪

00:22:43,884 --> 00:22:45,973

I know, baby.

00:22:46,016 --> 00:22:48,845

Coop, honey, should we get

Lucky Charms or Kibble Bibbitz?

00:22:48,889 --> 00:22:50,543

You know

we can't afford either.

00:22:50,586 --> 00:22:53,459

Baby, the President owes you.

You saved him.

00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:55,112

Ain't his fault our insurance

got cut.

00:22:55,156 --> 00:22:56,592

They gotta build missiles.

00:22:56,636 --> 00:22:59,508

Ugh, fine, just -- Can y'all

hold Jakey for a second?

00:23:01,815 --> 00:23:05,775

[ High-pitched ringing ]

00:23:05,819 --> 00:23:07,473

[ Jakey crying ]

00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:11,085

Bag Boy:

What the hell's he doin?

00:23:11,128 --> 00:23:12,303

Deli Guy:

I think he's foraging.

00:23:12,347 --> 00:23:14,131

Crazy bastard thinks

he's a turkey.

00:23:14,175 --> 00:23:16,220

Well, I refuse to pay

for this man's health care.

00:23:16,264 --> 00:23:20,877

♪♪

00:23:22,488 --> 00:23:23,706

Did you get any of that?

00:00:15,290 --> 00:00:17,720

Зачем? На ней только карта сокровищ

представляет ценность.

00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,610

Остальное – это инструкции,

как править страной.

00:00:19,690 --> 00:00:20,900

И они точно есть в Сети.

00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:22,180

Как-то это неправильно.

00:00:22,260 --> 00:00:24,100

Морти, ты кто — задрот по истории Америки

00:00:24,180 --> 00:00:27,170

или крутой чувак, готовый спереть

конституцию с дедушкой?

00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,710

Подержи, пока я взламываю

герметичный затвор.

00:00:31,790 --> 00:00:33,800

М-может, ещё разок пальнуть?

00:00:40,860 --> 00:00:42,380

Морти, ты только что уничтожил карту

00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:45,060

да ещё пробудил убийцу,

спрятанную в статуе Свободы.

00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:46,230

Прости. П-погоди, чего?

00:00:46,310 --> 00:00:48,410

Троянский конь, Морти.

Французам верить нельзя.

00:00:48,490 --> 00:00:51,380

Веселье весельем, но теперь

правительство снова будет в бешенстве.

00:00:51,460 --> 00:00:53,450

Молодец. Да ещё

и в день рождения Америки.

00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:56,180

Ну или чем там считается

сраный День благодарения.

00:01:23,930 --> 00:01:27,900

РИК И МОРТИ

00:01:29,150 --> 00:01:32,850

Рик и Морти, вы арестованы

и окружены антипортальным щитом.

00:01:32,930 --> 00:01:34,310

Выходите с поднятыми руками.

00:01:34,390 --> 00:01:36,310

Счастливого мне Дня благодарения.

00:01:36,390 --> 00:01:38,970

Поскорее бы узнать,

как этот щит повлияет на простату.

00:01:39,050 --> 00:01:41,150

Пап, ты можешь покончить с этой ерундой?

00:01:41,230 --> 00:01:42,970

Понимаю, что вы расстроены,

господин президент.

00:01:43,050 --> 00:01:44,280

Это Морти накосячил.

00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:48,700

И лучше вам убрать с лужайки армию своих

бойскаутов в бесполезном камуфляже.

00:01:48,810 --> 00:01:51,270

Не указывай, что мне делать,

антиамериканский кусок дерьма.

00:01:51,350 --> 00:01:51,970

Террорист!

00:01:52,050 --> 00:01:54,790

Вы так часто говорите это слово,

что оно потеряло смысл, мистер П.

00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:57,630

Кто у нас нынче считается террористом?

Чувак, который тебе не нравится?

00:01:57,710 --> 00:01:58,420

Велика беда.

00:01:58,500 --> 00:01:59,950

Ура!

00:02:04,070 --> 00:02:07,400

Я же говорил, что не стоит.

Вы потеряли двух бойцов, хороших людей.

00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,260

Посмотрите на террориста в зеркале.

00:02:09,340 --> 00:02:10,340

Войны захотел?

00:02:10,420 --> 00:02:12,910

Я запихну твою косможопу

в фантомную зону,

00:02:13,010 --> 00:02:14,540

обмазав твою шею криптонитовым мылом.

00:02:14,620 --> 00:02:16,460

Тебе крышка, Санчес! Ты понял?

00:02:16,540 --> 00:02:17,970

На этот раз он сильно разозлился.

00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:19,650

Может, поебётесь, и дело с концом?

00:02:19,730 --> 00:02:22,390

Большое спасибо, Саммер,

но у меня есть вариант получше.

00:02:22,470 --> 00:02:24,790

- Пап, не надо.

- Мои руки связаны, милая.

00:02:24,870 --> 00:02:26,190

Придётся превратить себя в индейку

00:02:26,270 --> 00:02:28,780

и обдурить президента, чтобы

получить индюшачье помилование.

00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:30,990

Опять? Сколько раз ты это уже делал?

00:02:31,090 --> 00:02:32,750

Не знаю, Джерри, а сколько лет я тут живу?

00:02:32,830 --> 00:02:33,880

Поаккуратнее с ответом.

00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,640

Боже, Рик, т-ты уже кучу раз так делал.

00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,870

Не думаешь,

что президент раскусит тебя в этот раз?

00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:40,630

Возможно, раскусит, Морти.

Всё это – часть танца.

00:02:40,750 --> 00:02:44,180

В прошлом я проник в группу индеек,

которые могли получить помилование,

00:02:44,260 --> 00:02:47,180

когда промыл мозги президентскому

рабочему перед церемонией.

00:02:47,260 --> 00:02:49,430

Но в этот раз мы провели

эвтаназию всем работникам,

00:02:49,510 --> 00:02:52,360

а индеек будем перевозить

в бронированных военных грузовиках.

00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,780

Эти грузовики производит теневая

корпорация под моим контролем...

00:02:55,890 --> 00:02:57,260

...которую мы проверили...

00:02:57,340 --> 00:02:59,180

- ...и я получил доступ...

- ...к главному компьютеру...

00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:02,050

- ...чтобы найти настоящий грузовик...

- ...в который никак не...

00:03:02,130 --> 00:03:03,480

...точно можно проникнуть...

00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,930

...но даже если можно, то он окажется

в грузовике, набитом индейками

00:03:06,010 --> 00:03:07,430

и вооружёнными пехотинцами...

00:03:07,510 --> 00:03:08,680

...которые не узнают меня,

00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,940

ведь человеческий глаз

не различает индюшачьи лица...

00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:13,770

К счастью, у пехотинцев

не будет человеческих глаз,

00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:15,460

у них будут индюшачьи глаза.

00:03:15,590 --> 00:03:19,430

Господи боже мой. Может,

вы поебётесь, и дело с концом?

00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:20,310

Аккуратнее, Дуэйн.

00:03:20,430 --> 00:03:23,130

Ты – вице-президент лишь потому, что

мне нужны 10% белых голосов.

00:03:23,210 --> 00:03:25,730

На Нью-Йорк напал

гигантский французский убийца,

00:03:25,810 --> 00:03:27,430

а ты пользуешься командным пунктом,

00:03:27,510 --> 00:03:30,220

чтобы помериться членами

со своим бухающим сай-файным парнем.

00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:33,860

Рик Санчес опаснее какой-то

французской сучки, работающей на пару.

00:03:33,950 --> 00:03:35,980

Нью-Йорк справится

с глобальной катастрофой.

00:03:36,060 --> 00:03:38,570

Генерал, начать операцию

«Глубокий кулдык».

00:03:41,410 --> 00:03:43,330

Куп, только не в День благодарения.

00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:44,810

Меня к этому готовили, Мэри Лу.

00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:46,060

Это не наша борьба.

00:03:46,190 --> 00:03:49,140

Детка, в твоём животике

запекается маленький гонщик.

00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,060

В каком мире он будет газовать?

00:03:51,140 --> 00:03:54,290

В котором Доктор Кто в лабораторном

халате и с игольчатой причёской

00:03:54,370 --> 00:03:55,780

может изменить цвет неба,

00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:58,220

или в мире, в котором он

сможет набить пикап хот-догами

00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:01,990

и поехать на нём к музыкальному автомату

с любимой музыкой нашего населения?

00:04:02,070 --> 00:04:03,670

Очевидно, что последнее, но...

00:04:03,770 --> 00:04:06,230

Этот мир, Мэри Лу, с такой едой,

00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:09,180

машинами и песнями, которую любят

в радиусе 50 километров...

00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:10,910

этому миру нужны славные ребята,

00:04:10,990 --> 00:04:12,570

которые отправятся

в секретную лабораторию Пентагона

00:04:12,650 --> 00:04:14,190

и превратятся в индеек.

00:04:14,270 --> 00:04:15,990

Возвращайся без перьев, Куп.

00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:19,950

Обожаю эту страну.

00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,940

Моя брюхатая девочка и надёжный пикап,

00:04:26,090 --> 00:04:28,170

С одной повезло, а второй выбрал сам.

00:04:28,250 --> 00:04:32,540

И вот теперь я должен стать индюшкой.

00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:36,940

Надеюсь, что наступит мир,

А мою ДНК не смоют в сортир,

00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:38,360

Когда я превращу себя в индюшку...

00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,260

В пилюлях содержится отслеживающий чип,

00:04:40,340 --> 00:04:42,410

позволяющий идентифицировать вас.

00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,470

Потом это будет важно.

00:04:45,730 --> 00:04:48,140

Кулдык! Кулдык!

00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:50,520

Кулдык! Кулдык!

00:04:50,650 --> 00:04:54,580

И вот теперь я должен стать индюшкой.

00:04:55,190 --> 00:04:56,700

ИНДЮШАЧЬЯ ФЕРМА ХЕНДЕРСОНА

00:04:56,780 --> 00:04:59,880

ЗДЕСЬ ЖИВУТ ИНДЕЙКИ, КОТОРЫХ МОЖЕТ

ПОМИЛОВАТЬ ПРЕЗИДЕНТ

00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:02,600

Итак, парни, осмотреть каждую птицу.

00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,020

Увидите Санчеса – начинайте кулдыкать.

00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:06,590

Дай-ка посмотрю на тебя, дрянь.

00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:07,970

Вали отсюда, шеетряс.

00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:10,660

Сержант, в симуляции всё было иначе.

00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:12,840

- Мне это не нравится.

- Соберись, Мартинес!

00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,044

Ведём наблюдение, сэр.

00:05:14,124 --> 00:05:15,270

Эйнштейна пока не видно.

00:05:15,350 --> 00:05:16,410

Будьте начеку, господа.

00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:19,340

Помилование должно пройти

без сучка, без задоринки.

00:05:19,750 --> 00:05:22,420

Сэр, мы взломали гаражную дверь. Заходим.

00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,860

- Видим противника.

- Или же роботов.

00:05:25,030 --> 00:05:27,460

При всём уважении, сэр,

но кожу я везде узнаю.

00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:30,190

Роботы, покрытые кожей,

выиграют нам время.

00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:32,390

Индейка, которую помилуют,

должна быть здесь.

00:05:32,470 --> 00:05:33,870

Корабль, скрытый режим.

00:05:35,670 --> 00:05:37,750

Родригес, Финчер, проверьте, что там.

00:05:37,850 --> 00:05:39,460

Индейки-пехотинцы.

00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:40,750

Президент захотел поиграть.

00:05:40,830 --> 00:05:42,860

- Вызови перебои в рации.

- Так точно.

00:05:43,690 --> 00:05:44,860

Блин.

00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:56,270

Финчер, Родригес, приём.

00:05:56,350 --> 00:05:57,790

Приём, отряд танго, всё чисто.

00:05:57,870 --> 00:05:59,790

Пара веток упала на крышу.

00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,520

Больше не смей отключать рацию.

00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,780

- Мы не сдадимся. Мы не сдадимся.

- Мы никогда не сдадимся.

00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:05,540

Да?

00:06:05,630 --> 00:06:07,290

Подвезите ящик Девида Блэйна.

00:06:09,710 --> 00:06:11,450

Блин, это ящик Девида Блэйна?

00:06:11,530 --> 00:06:13,700

Я говорил, что надо ехать

к моим родителям.

00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:14,633

Не говорил.

00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:19,110

Может, и не говорил, но и так понятно,

что я бы лучше поехал к ним.

00:06:19,210 --> 00:06:20,420

- О боже, нет!

- О господи, Рик!

00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,390

Сэр, Рик и Морти попались в ящик.

00:06:22,490 --> 00:06:23,500

Теперь я убеждён.

00:06:23,580 --> 00:06:24,102

Сэр?

00:06:24,182 --> 00:06:26,610

Ни один ящик Девида Блэйна

не сможет сдержать Рика Санчеса.

00:06:26,690 --> 00:06:27,900

Просканировать грузовик с индейками.

00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:29,020

Странно.

00:06:29,110 --> 00:06:31,460

Чипы Финчера и Родригеса дают сбой.

00:06:31,540 --> 00:06:32,373

Санчес.

00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,310

Я лично разберусь с этим ублюдком.

00:06:34,390 --> 00:06:37,010

Сэр, не лезьте на рожон.

Мёртвым вас не переизберут.

00:06:37,090 --> 00:06:38,540

Системы откалиброваны, сэр.

00:06:38,620 --> 00:06:40,410

В пилюле содержится

отслеживающий чип, позволяющий...

00:06:40,490 --> 00:06:42,280

Знаю. Потом это будет важно.

00:06:42,780 --> 00:06:44,010

Давай.

00:06:47,860 --> 00:06:50,310

Совсем скоро президент помилует индейку.

00:06:53,540 --> 00:06:56,790

Финишная прямая, Морти.

А вот и главный засранец, как раз вовремя.

00:06:56,890 --> 00:06:58,540

Всё пройдёт как по маслу.

00:06:59,190 --> 00:07:00,590

Боже, это...

00:07:00,690 --> 00:07:02,110

Твою мать, президент взял всё в свои руки.

00:07:02,190 --> 00:07:03,960

Дед облажался.

Надень очки, веди себя как индейка.

00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,370

- Тебе страшно?

- Веди себя как индейка!

00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:13,500

- Это Родригес и Финчер, сэр.

- Это Рик и Морти, бесполезный коровоёб.

00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,290

Извини. Не говори 10% друзей об этом.

00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:18,950

- Господин президент.

- Санчес, признай поражение.

00:07:19,030 --> 00:07:21,230

Признай, и я отпущу

твою проигравшую задницу.

00:07:22,290 --> 00:07:24,450

Ты хотел плюнуть в меня

без слюнной железы?

00:07:24,590 --> 00:07:25,590

Помилуй меня, мудак.

00:07:25,670 --> 00:07:26,360

С фига ли?

00:07:26,450 --> 00:07:28,140

Даже не знаю. Если я перееду в Канаду,

00:07:28,220 --> 00:07:29,130

то она станет лучшей страной.

00:07:29,210 --> 00:07:31,060

Я выклюю твои чёртовы глаза!

00:07:32,650 --> 00:07:33,810

Сука! Мой хохолок!

00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,260

Отвали!

00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:38,630

Голубика! Рассыпалась голубика!

00:07:38,710 --> 00:07:40,570

Сохраняйте позиции! Началась кормёжка!

00:07:40,650 --> 00:07:41,850

Я ничего не вижу.

00:07:41,930 --> 00:07:44,980

Точнее, вижу на 270 градусов.

00:07:45,060 --> 00:07:47,430

Слишком много градусов.

00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:50,090

Сэр, бойцы слетают с катушек.

00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,610

Соберись, солдат!

Президент всё ещё в загоне.

00:07:59,810 --> 00:08:01,750

Франция разгромила Нью-Йорк!

00:08:01,830 --> 00:08:03,350

Живо вытаскивайте президента!

00:08:03,430 --> 00:08:05,400

Кулдык Танго, уведите президента!

00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,790

Это приказ! Найдите чип президента.

00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,370

Принято.

00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:10,660

Вон он, вижу его.

00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:11,610

Вперёд, парни!

00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:12,930

Уводим орла!

00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,020

Эй, это не я.

00:08:16,110 --> 00:08:18,170

Посылка под защитой.

Выводите нас.

00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:22,020

Ввод ДНК субъекта.

00:08:30,770 --> 00:08:34,790

Иегову твою за ногу! Ты похож

на кило дерьма в дырке шлюхи!

00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:36,610

Всё нормально, господин президент?

00:08:36,710 --> 00:08:39,730

Да. Я действительно президент.

00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,950

Отмойте его жопу

и отведите в командный пункт.

00:08:42,030 --> 00:08:45,540

Эй, отряд Кулдык!

Вы не ту индейку взяли, дебилы!

00:08:46,210 --> 00:08:48,330

Смотрите, как кулдычит этот кусок дерьма.

00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:49,720

Дуй назад!

00:08:50,210 --> 00:08:52,090

Парни, вы слышали вице-президента.

00:08:52,170 --> 00:08:54,790

Помилование накрылось.

Собирайтесь и уходите.

00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,630

Что касается тебя, Санчес...

00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,400

бон аппетит.

00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:05,780

Куда едет этот лифт?

00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,990

Туда, куда отправляют невыбранных индеек.

00:09:08,070 --> 00:09:09,810

В зал кормёжки.

00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:16,830

- Это что за хуета?

- Не что, а кто.

00:09:16,930 --> 00:09:20,130

Единственное, чего

следует бояться, – это меня.

00:09:20,330 --> 00:09:23,190

На хуя Белому дому нужен

клонированный Рузвельт-паук?

00:09:23,270 --> 00:09:24,750

Это не клон, а настоящий Рузвельт.

00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:26,550

На нём мы испытывали полиовакцину.

00:09:26,630 --> 00:09:28,840

Мы спросили себя:

«У кого больше всего ног?»

00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:30,610

Мы? Ты в этом участвовал?

00:09:30,730 --> 00:09:32,890

У президентства своя ноша, Морти.

00:09:33,910 --> 00:09:35,080

Рик, я боюсь умирать.

00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,560

Бояться осталось недолго, Морти!

Скоро превратимся в людей.

00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:38,310

А потом?

00:09:38,390 --> 00:09:40,760

Надо не попасть в лапы к пауку.

00:09:40,870 --> 00:09:42,620

То есть и дальше бояться умереть?

00:09:42,710 --> 00:09:45,550

Морти, если для тебя так важно

выиграть спор, то ты вообще не жил.

00:09:45,630 --> 00:09:48,040

Наступает Новый курс. Убийство.

00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,680

Мне надоело слушать,

каким культовым ты был.

00:09:51,580 --> 00:09:55,940

Попробуй войти в историю президентства

после запуска «Фейсбука», мразь ты старая.

00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:58,760

Морти, оторви решётку.

00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,890

Как тебе такая непринуждённая

беседа у камина?

00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,490

Ух. Ты убил Рузвельта.

00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:07,650

Но он был монстром.

00:10:07,750 --> 00:10:09,730

Не превращай его в миф, он был политиком.

00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:10,700

Кстати...

00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:12,950

Ты вроде как спас наши задницы,

так что предлагаю сделку.

00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:15,010

Ты нас помилуешь,

а я сделаю тебя человеком.

00:10:15,090 --> 00:10:16,040

Не та индейка.

00:10:16,470 --> 00:10:18,320

Блин, а их лица и правда не отличишь.

00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,510

Я хочу, чтобы этих ребят

снова превратили в людей.

00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:25,240

Хорошо, господин президент.

00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,830

Но мы вроде как очеловечили

всех индейкнутых пехотинцев.

00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,730

Я хочу, чтобы этих ребят

превратили в людей.

00:10:31,830 --> 00:10:34,420

- Я – президент.

- Да, сэр. Хорошо.

00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:38,740

Увеличьте их силу на 1000%.

00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,130

Но... тогда они перестанут быть людьми.

00:10:41,210 --> 00:10:44,860

Индейки всегда были лучше обычных людей.

00:10:44,970 --> 00:10:48,590

Ну хорошо... так, что-то я начинаю...

00:10:49,980 --> 00:10:54,350

Я продаю Нью-Йорк Франции.

00:10:54,550 --> 00:10:57,570

А все деньги отдаю конгрессу.

00:10:58,370 --> 00:10:59,470

Да, отлично!

00:10:59,550 --> 00:11:02,330

- Вот это я понимаю.

- Сегодня он стал президентом.

00:11:04,710 --> 00:11:06,060

Давайте, шушукайтесь.

00:11:06,190 --> 00:11:07,670

А когда закончите, дайте штаны.

00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,030

Если ты – президент,

00:11:09,140 --> 00:11:12,520

то кто же тогда управлял страной

последние три часа?

00:11:12,660 --> 00:11:14,250

Самозванец, бесполезный ты болван!

00:11:14,330 --> 00:11:16,180

Вы очеловечили не ту индейку!

00:11:16,290 --> 00:11:17,610

Это возможно.

00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,880

Не будем оставлять всё на волю случая.

00:11:20,010 --> 00:11:23,590

Не хотелось бы, чтобы конгресс

работал не с тем президентом.

00:11:23,730 --> 00:11:26,490

Хороший аргумент, господин президент.

00:11:26,570 --> 00:11:28,950

Верим ли мы в то, что этот

славный господин с перьями,

00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:30,410

сотрудничающий с нами, наш глава?

00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:34,110

Или позволим мистеру Платному Бару

на рождественской вечеринке

00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:35,220

остаться на должности?

00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:37,660

Кто за президента-индейку?

00:11:37,970 --> 00:11:38,940

Вы шутите.

00:11:39,020 --> 00:11:40,690

По-вашему, ему есть дело до Америки?

00:11:40,770 --> 00:11:42,940

Так вот почему это происходит с тобой?

00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:45,430

Потому что тебе есть дело до Америки?

00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:51,190

Охрана, эти люди...

какое же слово? Террористы.

00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,620

Ладно, к чёрту.

Вперёд, Санчес-лазерные кулаки!

00:11:54,730 --> 00:11:57,060

Блин, я слишком долго был индейкой.

00:11:57,180 --> 00:11:58,930

Да уж, а он сильный.

00:11:59,050 --> 00:12:00,520

Мэри Тодд Линкольн!

00:12:03,780 --> 00:12:05,700

Ну и кто теперь мёртвый груз, сучара?

00:12:11,187 --> 00:12:13,067

Через минуту снова почувствуешь задницу.

00:12:13,147 --> 00:12:15,077

Извини за то, что мои турели

разнесли мотоцикл.

00:12:15,157 --> 00:12:16,667

Просто дай мне грёбаную одежду.

00:12:16,747 --> 00:12:19,127

Вряд ли ты рад тому, что только

в моём доме тебе ничего не грозит.

00:12:19,207 --> 00:12:21,697

Тебе обычную одежду, или, может,

нарядим тебя террористом?

00:12:21,777 --> 00:12:23,747

Я могу уйти, и я всё ещё президент.

00:12:23,837 --> 00:12:25,667

Рад это слышать.

Значит, ты меня помилуешь,

00:12:25,747 --> 00:12:27,277

или мне выкинуть тебя вместе с мусором?

00:12:27,357 --> 00:12:29,427

Да что с тобой?

Почему ты ненавидишь эту страну?

00:12:29,507 --> 00:12:31,317

Я ненавижу все страны

во вселенной, братан.

00:12:31,397 --> 00:12:34,097

Это программы профориентации

для политиков, которые их придумали.

00:12:34,177 --> 00:12:35,747

Слушай, Бойцовский Клуб.

00:12:35,837 --> 00:12:38,347

Мне платят за то, чтобы я защищал скамейку

запасных, на которой ты отсиживаешься.

00:12:38,427 --> 00:12:39,917

Тебе платят за спортивные метафоры!

00:12:39,997 --> 00:12:42,677

Я убираю твой лоток,

чтобы твои додиковские лапки

00:12:42,757 --> 00:12:44,827

вдруг не коснулись додиковских

какашек других додиков,

00:12:44,907 --> 00:12:47,697

пока ты напрягаешь над ними

свой мерзкий циничный анус.

00:12:47,797 --> 00:12:49,867

Слушайте, может, вы оба правы и не правы?

00:12:49,947 --> 00:12:50,987

- Заткнись, Морти!

- Заткнись, Морти!

00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:54,527

Сука, ты уничтожил конституцию.

Ты здесь самый главный соплежуй.

00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,767

Не смей так говорить с моим сыном!

00:12:57,587 --> 00:12:58,687

Простите, миссис Смит.

00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:00,997

Вы портите День благодарения. Вы оба.

00:13:01,087 --> 00:13:04,037

Так что либо садитесь за стол

и поужинайте с моей семьёй,

00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,677

либо занимайтесь своими делами

в баре за углом.

00:13:07,857 --> 00:13:09,757

На День благодарения в барах отстойно.

00:13:09,887 --> 00:13:12,157

Я всё ещё пытаюсь разобраться.

00:13:12,237 --> 00:13:15,077

Один из вас хочет получить

такое личное качество,

00:13:15,207 --> 00:13:17,597

как храбрость, а остальные

хотят получить настоящие органы?

00:13:17,677 --> 00:13:21,387

Перезапуск «Волшебника страны Оз»

от Чарли Кауфмана просто умора.

00:13:21,507 --> 00:13:25,237

Вот для чего мне нужен мозг,

а то сценарий вообще не получается.

00:13:26,147 --> 00:13:27,547

Передай картошку.

00:13:28,807 --> 00:13:29,797

Спасибо.

00:13:31,147 --> 00:13:32,227

Классные бобы, мам.

00:13:32,357 --> 00:13:34,417

Индейка сырая, пап. И лепёшки хреновые.

00:13:34,507 --> 00:13:37,427

Извини, Саммер, но США поместили нас

в антипортальный пузырь,

00:13:37,507 --> 00:13:39,027

который закоротил таймер на духовке.

00:13:39,107 --> 00:13:41,407

Оказывается, у выборов

и правда есть последствия.

00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:44,117

Иди в жопу, Джерри.

Я видел твои налоговые отчёты.

00:13:44,237 --> 00:13:46,537

Жалуйся, когда появится

налогооблагаемый доход.

00:13:46,957 --> 00:13:49,167

Да, Джерри – кусок говна, я согласен.

00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,627

Ребят, что это?

00:13:51,777 --> 00:13:54,557

Паула, как ты видишь,

президент Кёртис утвердил план

00:13:54,637 --> 00:13:57,987

по превращению всех индеек

в Америке в гибридных суперсолдат.

00:13:58,127 --> 00:14:01,047

План единогласно одобрил конгресс

после третьего увеличения зарплаты

00:14:01,127 --> 00:14:03,087

за последние шесть часов. Слово тебе.

00:14:07,377 --> 00:14:09,047

Боже, этот ублюдок слетел с катушек.

00:14:09,127 --> 00:14:11,067

Скоро в Вашингтоне

не останется ни одной птички.

00:14:11,147 --> 00:14:13,727

Ух ты, истребление коренного

населения на День благодарения.

00:14:13,807 --> 00:14:14,957

Никогда такого не было.

00:14:15,047 --> 00:14:16,087

Что ты сказала?

00:14:16,187 --> 00:14:19,667

Я сравнила День благодарения с геноцидом,

подростки всегда так делают.

00:14:19,797 --> 00:14:20,487

Я не хотела...

00:14:20,577 --> 00:14:21,967

Склеп нового мира!

00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:24,307

Возможно, только так мы сможем

обернуть всё в нашу пользу.

00:14:24,387 --> 00:14:25,487

Ты знаешь про склеп?

00:14:25,607 --> 00:14:27,117

Значит, сокровищ там уже нет.

00:14:27,197 --> 00:14:30,387

Погоди, для этого ты хотел

стырить конституцию? Старый пердун.

00:14:30,507 --> 00:14:32,447

Склеп нового мира — это не сокровище,

00:14:32,607 --> 00:14:34,197

но, возможно, наша

единственная надежда. Идём.

00:14:34,277 --> 00:14:36,257

Но разве склеп не под Вашингтоном?

00:14:36,337 --> 00:14:37,967

У индюшачьего президента есть армия,

00:14:38,047 --> 00:14:40,227

настоящая армия,

воздушные силы и пехотинцы!

00:14:40,387 --> 00:14:43,587

Помедленнее, Морти, назови все виды

вооружённых сил. У кого-нибудь есть ручка?

00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:46,727

У нас есть кое-что

помощнее любой армии мира.

00:14:46,877 --> 00:14:47,867

Ну, точнее, нет.

00:14:47,947 --> 00:14:50,817

Но с правильной речью можно завербовать

подготовленных деревенщин.

00:14:50,897 --> 00:14:52,897

Против британцев сработало же. Я в деле.

00:14:54,107 --> 00:14:57,997

Людей заменяют птицами. Что бы сказал

Джонни Кэш или Дейл Эрнхардт?

00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:00,127

Он бы сказал, что «пора идти до конца»

00:15:00,207 --> 00:15:02,157

или «быстро прошмыгни между машинами».

00:15:02,287 --> 00:15:04,047

Таких, как вы, не обслуживаем.

00:15:04,127 --> 00:15:05,952

- Боже, ты серьёзно?

- Вот смотри.

00:15:06,055 --> 00:15:07,587

ПРЕЗИДЕНТОВ НЕ ОБСЛУЖИВАЕМ

Неоплаченный счёт: $53.00!

00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:09,537

- Марвин, это мой босс.

- Всё нормально.

00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,867

Недоверие к президенту –

это патриотический долг.

00:15:11,947 --> 00:15:13,637

Вот этот человек – не я.

00:15:13,717 --> 00:15:15,837

Это индейка, обколотая моей ДНК.

00:15:15,937 --> 00:15:17,837

Будь я проклят.

00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:21,667

Что ж, я – расист.

00:15:21,747 --> 00:15:24,207

Не советую вам снова

забирать моего мужика.

00:15:24,327 --> 00:15:24,925

Мэри Лу.

00:15:25,005 --> 00:15:28,267

Я бедна и беременна бедным человеком.

00:15:28,347 --> 00:15:30,987

И мне нужны вы и 10% ребёнка.

00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:32,147

Слушайте,

00:15:32,277 --> 00:15:34,832

я понимаю, что одной речью

тут не обойтись,

00:15:34,969 --> 00:15:36,437

но что такое речь?

00:15:36,517 --> 00:15:38,157

Может, это просто вопрос?

00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:39,967

И это тоже вопрос?

00:15:40,097 --> 00:15:41,537

Речь – это слова,

00:15:41,617 --> 00:15:44,107

одинаковые слова, слова в предложениях.

00:15:44,227 --> 00:15:46,027

Одинаковые предложения одинаковых слов.

00:15:46,107 --> 00:15:49,027

Всё это неважно. А знаете, что важно?

00:15:49,137 --> 00:15:50,647

Важен мой вопрос к вам.

00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,157

Вы сделаете то, что я вам скажу?

00:15:53,757 --> 00:15:55,387

У меня два вопроса, командир.

00:15:55,727 --> 00:15:57,617

Вперёд? По коням?

00:15:58,977 --> 00:16:00,167

Они риторические, сэр.

00:16:00,337 --> 00:16:01,347

Вперёд, по коням!

00:16:01,987 --> 00:16:03,347

Вперёд по коням!

00:16:11,357 --> 00:16:12,967

Сэр, к нам приближаются Рик и Морти

00:16:13,047 --> 00:16:15,987

в какой-то пиратской версии АТ-АТ

из «Звёздных войн».

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- Или, как говорят миллениалы, ЭйТи ЭйТи.

- Началось.

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Кулдыкеры! Сегодня мы восстанем!

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Вот бли-и-и-и-ин.

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- Неплохо зарулил, Санчес.

- Забор выключен, загон чист.

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Правила вы знаете.

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Если кто-то кулдычит и клюётся,

зарядите ему в жопу картечью.

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Господи боже! О-они схватили Джонсона!

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Он легко отделался.

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Задержите ублюдков!

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- Что теперь, Рик?

- Сделаем куру гриль.

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- Ух ты, это...

- Склеп нового мира.

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Вы гонялись за самой

древней тайной этой страны.

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Фольклор Дня благодарения

укрывал её много веков.

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Это что, динозавр-индюшка?

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Первые правители Америки.

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Безжалостные звери, которые

питались плотью напуганных людей.

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В 15 веке на Землю упал корабль.

Точнее, два.

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На борту были наши спасители.

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Санчес, потяни за рычаг

одновременно со мной.

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Блин, они подерутся.

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Нет, они любят друг друга.

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По прибытии на планету они воевали,

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но объединились против ненавистных индеек.

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Но что они любят сильнее друг друга,

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так это надирать индейкам задницу.

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Господа.

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Настало время снова устроить пир.

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Кукуруза!

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Получается. Идём, Санчес,

надо отключить очеловечивающий луч.

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Мы за кого?

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Не знаю, но на оплату колледжа

нам уже хватит.

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Почти добрались.

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Извини. Теперь моя очередь удивлять.

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Блин, как он любит выходить из тени.

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Оглянись. Тебе не одолеть

наших древних воинов.

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Да неужели? Мой народ

всегда сражался с хищниками.

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Поэтому мы спим на деревьях, и поэтому

в дикой природе мы умеем летать.

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Перед тобой стоит выбор.

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Сразиться со мной

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или помешать оружию превратить

всех индеек Америки в новую сверхрасу.

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Долбоёб, нас тут трое,

и двое из нас летали в космос.

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Очевидно, что они спасут Америку

и вернут монумент домой,

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а я надеру тебе жопу.

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Ах да, Санчес, ты помилован.

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Заткнись, Морти, погнали!

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Давай, сучара.

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Да будет так.

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Человек-индюшка сказал правду?

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Индейки спят на деревьях?

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Какая на хрен разница, Морти?

Давай уже вырубим эту хрень.

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Калибровка. Нацеливаюсь

на всех индеек Америки.

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Боже, тут даже голос сделали.

А для кого? Мы же в космосе.

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Боже, Рик. К-кажется, для них.

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Морти, пользуйся аккуратно.

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Доберись до ядра очеловечивателя

и разрежь синий провод.

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Понял? Синий!

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А взорвать нельзя?

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Это национальный монумент, еблан.

Нас только помиловали.

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Ты хочешь повторить это через год?

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Ты кое-что забыл, человек-индюшка.

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Неважно, во что ты

заставил поверить людей,

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я всё равно чёртов президент.

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А ты забыл, что за один день

на твоей должности,

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я узнал в сто крат больше.

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Я тебя недооценил.

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В последний раз.

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Рик, тут не совсем базовые цвета.

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Б-бирюзовый с-сойдёт?

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Ты издеваешься, Морти?

Режь чёртов провод.

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Сука!

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Цели обнаружены. Включаю оружие.

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Твою мать!

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Достояние уничтожено.

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Морти!

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Твою мать, у тебя была одна задача!

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Я тебя сделал. Посмотри

на меня, мудила индюшачья.

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Погоди, зачем ты...

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Это косточка желаний?

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Я хочу взорваться.

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Берлинская стена разрушена.

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Представляем PlayStation.

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Победителем стал...

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- «Влюблённый Шекспир».

- PlayStation 2.

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Ураган Катрина обрушился на Луизиану.

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- PlayStation 3.

- С вами «Maroon 5».

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- PlayStation 4.

- «Чикагские Львы» победили!

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Я хочу PlayStation 5.

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Не знал, когда тебя вытащить. У тебя

вся жизнь перед глазами пролетела, да?

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Да.

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И какая же это была жизнь!

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Господа, я снова благодарю вас

за спасение нации.

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Ты предал свой народ.

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Я не говорю на непонятном.

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ЦРУ научили меня только фразе активации.

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Но если бы я мог что-то сказать,

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то сказал бы:

«Дайте Америке ещё один шанс».

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А вот это я видел в «Хищнике».

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Боже, они подерутся. Точно подерутся.

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Они любят друг друга.

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- Как всегда круто.

- Такое никогда не надоест.

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Что было, когда пришельцы открыли Америку?

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Они ушли в спячку,

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оставив нам технологии, с которыми

мы живём в свободном мире.

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Ну и ещё чтобы заниматься

всяким рабством.

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Я думал, что мы были гораздо особеннее.

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Что мы всё сами придумали, сами сделали

и поэтому владеем всем.

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А-а-а-а, теперь я не знаю, что думать.

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Будь благодарен, Морти.

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Будь благодарен.

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Я знаю, малыш.

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Куп, милый, что возьмём,

«Лаки Чармс» или «Киббл Биббитс»?

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Они нам не по карману.

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Но ведь президент должен тебе.

Ты же его спас!

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Он не виноват, что нам страховку урезали.

Надо же ракеты строить.

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Ладно, возьми-ка Джеки на секунду.

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Чё он делает?

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Вроде корм клюёт.

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Придурок считает себя индюшкой.

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Я не буду платить за его лечение.

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Перевод: Женя Спицын

Синхронизация: Георгий Владимиров