Риконечная мортистория

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Бармен, налей моему коллеге.

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Мы знакомы?

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Я знаю, что на поезде путешествуют,

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только чтобы провезти оружие.

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И все мы знаем, что на конечной

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только одно существо, достойное смерти.

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Человек в белом халате.

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Можем рассказывать истории по очереди.

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Моя начинается на планете Рамамама.

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Опустить его в кислоту.

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Как только он растворится,

опустите туда ещё кого-нибудь.

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Он растворился?

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Воспользуйся простоем, чтобы

перезапустить опускатель в кислоту.

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Не нравится мне здешняя обстановка.

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Она так и просит, чтобы

кого-то опустили в кислоту.

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Ты кто такой?

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Как ты проник в мою святая святых?

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Мы так ни к чему не придём. Взять его!

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Хорошо.

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Сразимся.

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Короче, он рассказывает

другую версию истории,

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в которой я плачу или типа того.

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Поэтому он должен умереть

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за враньё.

Итак...

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а ты за что хочешь убить Рика Санчеса?

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Я вообще не знаю, кто это.

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И не соглашусь с твоей странной логикой,

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будто весь поезд собирается

убить одного чувака.

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А если бы и согласился,

то зачем мы должны по очереди

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рассказывать истории,

как маленькие девочки на ночёвке?

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Если ты хочешь меня обидеть,

то у тебя хорошо получается.

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Тогда я расскажу.

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Вот почему я хочу убить Рика Санчеса.

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- Ну, вы, ребята, развлекайтесь.

- Утоплю его на фоне солнца-моллюска,

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восходящего над огромным пляжем.

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Фух.

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К тому моменту он оставил игрушки

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и ошмётки плоти всем в споровом улье.

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Аа, новенький!

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Ты, наверное, думаешь,

что у тебя есть история получше

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о том, как Рик Санчес

спас Космическое Рождество.

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Чего вы зациклились на Рике Санчесе?

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Думаю, лучшим ответом будет

моя рождественская история о Рике.

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Вууу!

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Рудольф нам бы не помешал.

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Слава богу. Я успел.

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- Не знаю, как благодарить тебя, Гумби.

- Не нужно.

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Ты главное повеселись там как следует.

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Так и сделаю, спасибо.

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Эй.

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С Рождеством, Гумби.

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С Рождеством, Рик.

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Оу,

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не стоит.

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Я-я и не должен. Прости, если...

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Нет. Я спрошу.

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- Не-не-не, не хочу обременять.

- Ладно. Да да, просто...

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там столько людей.

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- Семья. Понимаешь?

- Ну да.

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- Ты не злишься?

- Всё хорошо.

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Пока.

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Так...

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Это, конечно, не моё дело, но в этой

истории он вообще не спас Рождество.

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- Да как ты смеешь!

- Но это не значит, что я заинтересован.

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Расскажи свою

рождественскую историю о Рике!

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Отойди нахрен! Отойди!

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Если начнёшь плести

историю про Рика Санчеса,

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то будешь делать это через две дырки.

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Я лишь пытаюсь понять,

что происходит на этом поезде.

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Ты помнишь, как сел на него?

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Нет. Первое, что я помню...

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Билетики, пожалуйста.

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Так почему ты завязала

отношения с Риком Санчесом?

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Что?

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Не делай вид, будто не встречалась с ним.

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Мы все встречались, мы всё понимаем.

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Может, ты оказалась на самом дне,

хотела забыть бывшего и т.д.

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- Да кто он вообще?

- Во-во.

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И представляешь, когда я

знакомила его со своей семьёй...

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Лия! Лия, зацени!

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Где ты встретила этого...

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...эльфа?

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Вообще, это человек.

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Но он изобрёл портальную технологию.

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Я – само понятие времени!

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- Господи!

- Я предупреждал тебя не делать так.

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- Я и не пытался.

- И не надо.

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Очевидно, что поезд усиливает

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и соединяет несвязанные

повествовательные поля.

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Ага...

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Морти? Я же говорил, что если снова

меня найдёшь, то назовись.

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Я не знал, что это был ты.

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Почему ты меня не узнал?

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Ты же сам придумал эту маскировку.

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Морти, когда я чё-то создаю, оно работает.

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Это называется быть талантливым.

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Почему мы не можем найти локомотив?

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Это не настоящий поезд,

а сюжетное приспособление.

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Буквально.

Совершенно буквальное приспособление,

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которое довольно буквально

удерживает нас в переносном смысле.

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- Симуляция.

- Хуже. Антология.

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Ладно, и как же... как нам его угнать?

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О, Морти, его угнали

целых две минуты назад.

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Разве ты не слышишь этот безумный диалог?

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Так, билетёр, останови антологию.

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Если бы мы захотели выпустить филлер, то

сделали бы Межпространственное кабельное,

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а не какой-то натянутый, претенциозный...

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- Рик?

- Твою налево!

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Билетики, пожалуйста.

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Чувак, я уверен, что у тебя

уже полно билетиков.

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Боже! А билетный чел качок!

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Он просто... просто...

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Н-ну как там говорят? Отвал пизды.

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- Фу, Морти!

- Люди так говорят.

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Мерзкие люди.

Не хочу представлять себе,

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как у кого-то отваливается...

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Эй-эй-эй, не подходи. Я тебя ударю.

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Я пну тебе по голени, братан!

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- Ааа!

- Эй, сука!

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Я приготовлю и сожру твою задницу,

собирающую билеты.

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Эй, я нашёл билет.

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Ну и ну, да ты...

Дамы и господа,

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это натуральный Джеки Чан

среди живых щитов.

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Кто вообще будет тратить время,

чтобы прокачаться в... аа, на хрен!

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Структурный сбой.

Потеря целостности сюжета.

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Морти, схватись за что-нибудь.

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Береги голову.

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Поделись с сестрой, Джош.

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Да, у тебя день рождения,

но не будь таким козлом.

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- Ты в порядке, пап?

- Это всё реально?

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Вряд ли. Но довольствуйся тем,

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- что есть, когда ужинаешь в ТЦ.

- В смысле, ты реальна? Жизнь реальна?

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Так, я звоню медсестре,

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- сегодня ты не уйдёшь от нас...

- Ясен красен, что нет,

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- потому что...

- Сегодня ты этого не сделаешь!

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- Это не реальная жизнь!

- Папа?

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- Милая. Дорогая.

- Боже мой!

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- Что происходит?

- Отдай свои билеты.

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М-мне нужны билеты. Все должны

отдать мне биииилеееетыыыы!

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Запущена аварийная целостность сюжета.

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- Это пригодится.

- А нельзя просто уехать...

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Ну нахер. Я лучше сдохну.

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ЖД копы! Руки вверх!

Заводите историю о Рике Санчесе!

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- Он и есть Рик!

- Господи боже!

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- Это что, билетёр?

- Ну, скорее обрубок.

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- Рано!

- Не шевелись! Рано!

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Итак... Что ЖД копы сделали не так?

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Пристрелили людей?

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- Пристрелили пассажиров?

- Неверно.

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Пассажиры влезли в структуру антологии.

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Был разрешён огонь на поражение, но

у него в руках был баллон с целостностью.

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Посмотрим, что они должны были сделать.

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ЖД копы! Руки вверх!

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- Бросай баллон!

- Бросай!

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- Бросай!

- Бросай баллон!

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Простите, что докапываюсь, сэр, но ведь

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может произойти только один

разрыв целостности, верно?

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И не значит ли это, что эти двое

могут быть где угодно?

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Что? Нет, болван, это...

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это просто видеоруководство.

Этого не было на самом деле.

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- Это ты так думаешь.

- Эй, как вы здесь оказались?

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Ага, как будто это мы возникли

из ниоткуда. Идите нахер, ребят.

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Эй, какого чёрта? Твоя нога исцелилась.

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Да, настоящая халява.

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Погнали. Ну, конечно же,

тут всё идёт по сраному кругу.

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А можно было подумать,

что всё так сложно...

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Так, вот здесь были дебильные истории.

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Боже, представь,

если бы на них всё и закончилось.

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Теперь мы здесь,

а локомотив должен быть здесь.

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Надо сделать пару космических костюмов,

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которые начнут разваливаться

здесь, чтобы мы

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заплатили высокую цену за то,

что снова заступили за эту черту.

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- Нам придётся покинуть поезд?

- Морти, ничего не придётся делать.

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Это структурное руководство.

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А мы наделим его собственным стилем.

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Рик, не нравится мне,

насколько всё становится мета.

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Завали, Морти. Тебе 14.

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Ты смотришь видосики в Ютубе о том,

как люди реагируют на гребаный Ютуб.

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Я буду решать, когда станет слишком мета.

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Мать твою за ногу!

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- Как он ещё дышит?

- Это состояние приостановки неверия

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и теперь он медленно

умирает, но в то же время

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живёт в альтернативной

закадровой реальности.

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Блин, какая страшная смерть.

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Ты и половины не знаешь.

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Ты просто жжёшь с шутками

про его расчленение, Рик.

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- Эта шутка звучала органично.

- Потому что ты смешной от природы.

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Это... это же старое-доброе

веселье, понимаешь?

00:07:56,349 --> 00:07:59,665

- Н-н-нам не нужно нихрена усложнять.

- Так, приятель, никаких выкрутасов.

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С этого момента – полное погружение.

00:08:02,173 --> 00:08:04,263

- Сразу после этого.

- Ч-что происходит?

00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:05,615

Уходим на рекламу между актами.

00:08:07,089 --> 00:08:08,353

Не совсем птица,

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но и не личность.

00:08:10,702 --> 00:08:11,789

Наверное, главное –

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полюбить себя

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и воспарить.

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Дитя воздуха и земли

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с руками и крыльями.

00:08:20,174 --> 00:08:22,302

Да, ты птица и личность.

00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:24,475

Я птица и личность.

00:08:24,502 --> 00:08:26,446

И нечто большее.

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Да, это была отличная сцена,

00:08:28,261 --> 00:08:29,648

но далеко не самый лучший

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музыкальный номер в Рике и Морти.

00:08:31,117 --> 00:08:31,886

Разве можно забыть...

00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:34,406

Эй, вам не кажется, что с поездом

творится что-то странное?

00:08:34,603 --> 00:08:37,706

Мы здесь уже очень давно,

но никто не проверил наши билеты.

00:08:41,913 --> 00:08:44,129

Величайшие умы галактики до сих пор

пытаются разгадать тайну

00:08:44,129 --> 00:08:46,969

ужасной личности, известную детям

как Плавучий Кровавыч.

00:08:46,996 --> 00:08:49,538

Но три месяца спустя

никто не приблизился к истине.

00:08:49,565 --> 00:08:51,533

Специально для Новостей с остроумным

названием, я – дядя Грызлик.

00:08:51,561 --> 00:08:54,124

Не верится,

что Плавучий Кровавыч существует.

00:08:54,151 --> 00:08:56,739

Он не просто существует,

он – мой новый бог. Зацени.

00:08:56,766 --> 00:08:58,180

Она свежая,

00:08:58,207 --> 00:09:00,200

- или кровь просто...

- Да, точно изображена.

00:09:00,228 --> 00:09:02,098

Его последователи верят, что вселенная –

00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,735

это кошмар Плавучего

Кровавыча, а сам он

00:09:03,762 --> 00:09:05,726

погибает в реальности,

где время течёт медленно.

00:09:05,773 --> 00:09:07,286

Значит, мы умрём в любой момент.

00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,708

Нет. Я – член

Плавучего Братства Некончания.

00:09:09,735 --> 00:09:11,081

Мы верим, что поддерживаем в нём жизнь

00:09:11,108 --> 00:09:13,462

с помощью энергии подавленных

сексуальных желаний.

00:09:13,718 --> 00:09:17,274

Ты хранишь свою невинность,

чтобы вселенная могла существовать?

00:09:17,734 --> 00:09:20,715

- Это так... привлекательно.

- Правда?

00:09:21,342 --> 00:09:23,069

Ладно, давай только разок.

00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,364

Прости.

00:09:31,686 --> 00:09:33,357

- Ты рад?

- Он страдал.

00:09:33,384 --> 00:09:35,166

Двигаем дальше.

Надо добраться до черты возврата,

00:09:35,193 --> 00:09:37,439

прежде чем будильник на костюме

дойдёт до нуля.

00:09:37,466 --> 00:09:39,659

- Зачем ты поставил будильник...

- Потому что если нам будет просто,

00:09:39,686 --> 00:09:40,682

то мы никогда туда не доберёмся.

00:09:40,709 --> 00:09:43,203

Если не хочешь быть мета, то

перестань всё анализировать.

00:09:43,327 --> 00:09:44,872

Это тематический замок.

00:09:44,899 --> 00:09:46,334

Надо как-то его сорвать.

00:09:46,927 --> 00:09:49,831

Так, Морти, расскажи историю,

несвязанную с нами.

00:09:49,858 --> 00:09:52,055

- Что сделать...

- Не думай, а делай!

00:09:52,083 --> 00:09:53,921

Ну, ладно, в общем, был такой...

00:09:53,948 --> 00:09:56,470

Меня зовут Майк Джонсон. Вкусный кофе.

00:09:57,371 --> 00:09:58,475

Надо открыть дверь.

00:09:58,953 --> 00:10:00,625

Привет.

00:10:00,653 --> 00:10:01,582

Я хочу твои печеньки.

00:10:01,646 --> 00:10:03,472

Я голоден, я хочу твои печеньки.

00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:04,783

Скорпионы, скорпионы.

00:10:04,810 --> 00:10:06,860

Снаружи скорпионы. Заходи в дом.

00:10:06,860 --> 00:10:08,337

Что им от нас нужно?

00:10:08,337 --> 00:10:10,169

- Им нужна еда.

- Мне тоже.

00:10:10,197 --> 00:10:11,205

Так, остановись.

00:10:11,205 --> 00:10:12,513

Да, я не писатель.

00:10:12,541 --> 00:10:14,637

Расслабься, твоя история

и должна быть ужасной и тупой.

00:10:14,665 --> 00:10:17,211

Я просто не думал, что она

так хорошо свяжется с темой.

00:10:17,435 --> 00:10:20,144

Думай. Думай. Какую историю никогда...

00:10:20,297 --> 00:10:22,250

Морти, ты знаешь, что такое тест Бекдел?

00:10:22,277 --> 00:10:23,625

- Чего?

- Господи боже, Морти,

00:10:23,652 --> 00:10:25,349

это формула для вычисления

гендерной предвзятости

00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:27,584

в истории, которую предложила

комиксистка-лесбиянка Эллисон...

00:10:27,611 --> 00:10:29,235

Чему вас только в школе учат?

00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,172

- Другим вещам!

- Тогда ты убил нас обоих!

00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:34,323

- Почему лесбиянка входит в её должность?

- Ой, теперь ты стал прогрессивным?

00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:36,424

- Что это за тест?

- Ты должен рассказать...

00:10:39,731 --> 00:10:41,295

Морти, Морти.

00:10:41,801 --> 00:10:44,090

Две женщины. Дай им имена,

00:10:44,286 --> 00:10:46,224

и они должны разговаривать о чём-то...

00:10:46,339 --> 00:10:46,944

Рик!

00:10:46,944 --> 00:10:49,174

- ...кроме мужчин...

- Рик, послушай меня.

00:10:49,312 --> 00:10:52,897

Когда-то давным-давно

моя мама и сестра... Послушай меня!

00:10:54,798 --> 00:10:56,746

Мам, можно попробовать твой чай?

00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,561

Да, Саммер.

00:10:58,561 --> 00:11:00,254

Да. Попробуй мой чай.

00:11:00,281 --> 00:11:02,689

Он такой вкусный и тёплый.

00:11:02,689 --> 00:11:04,744

Мам, можно поговорить с тобой

00:11:04,822 --> 00:11:06,354

об этих деньках?

00:11:06,381 --> 00:11:08,580

Не переживай. У меня они тоже бывают.

00:11:08,607 --> 00:11:11,421

- Они у меня сегодня обильные.

- Мои всегда такие.

00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:13,243

Я люблю тебя с тех пор, как...

00:11:13,426 --> 00:11:14,599

тебя прислала мне

00:11:14,706 --> 00:11:16,372

женщина-врач.

00:11:16,398 --> 00:11:18,128

Эти самые деньки – твоя сила.

00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:21,401

- Она делает тебя мощной, как сиську.

- На кого направлена эта сила?

00:11:21,428 --> 00:11:23,381

На скорпионов. На самок скорпионов.

00:11:23,408 --> 00:11:25,393

Они снаружи. Давай.

00:11:28,041 --> 00:11:29,784

Борись с ними своими обильными деньками!

00:11:29,812 --> 00:11:31,159

И ты тоже!

00:11:38,923 --> 00:11:39,705

- Алло?

- Алло?

00:11:39,705 --> 00:11:42,864

Я судья Верховного суда,

и у вас бля всё получилось!

00:11:42,891 --> 00:11:44,355

- У нас получилось!

- У нас получилось!

00:11:49,653 --> 00:11:50,683

Молодец, Морти.

00:11:51,361 --> 00:11:53,762

Феминистский шедевр.

Эй, смотри.

00:11:58,344 --> 00:12:00,634

Угадай, у кого два члена и вся сцена?

00:12:00,646 --> 00:12:01,873

Рик и Морти.

00:12:02,712 --> 00:12:03,755

Мастер Сказаний.

00:12:03,852 --> 00:12:05,989

Я мог бы догадаться,

что за всем стоишь ты, и догадался.

00:12:05,989 --> 00:12:07,088

Кто это такой?

00:12:07,428 --> 00:12:09,343

Он как Фрейзер из космо-матрицы.

00:12:09,370 --> 00:12:10,804

Давай покончим с этим, задрот.

00:12:10,804 --> 00:12:11,709

У меня дел дохрена.

00:12:11,736 --> 00:12:13,165

Рик, тебе ли не знать,

00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:15,669

что без путешествия не доберёшься

до точки назначения.

00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:17,990

Я ничего об этом не знаю.

Обычно я телепортируюсь.

00:12:18,017 --> 00:12:20,685

Ну, конечно. Для тебя правил нет.

00:12:20,712 --> 00:12:22,073

Ты крутишься в мультивселенной,

00:12:22,073 --> 00:12:25,244

вырыгиваешь полу-ипровизированные

реплики о том, что ничего не имеет смысла.

00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:27,808

С таким же успехом можно вытащить

члены и потереть ими

00:12:27,808 --> 00:12:30,527

ослепительную улыбку судьбы,

как будто мы чистим зубы судьбы

00:12:30,555 --> 00:12:32,933

с помощью твоего мерзкого, грязного хера.

00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,030

Будет здорово.

00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:35,187

Тебя никто не мешает.

00:12:35,214 --> 00:12:37,646

Это правда.

Больше никто.

00:12:38,514 --> 00:12:39,774

- Твою мать!

- Мы уже это делали.

00:12:39,774 --> 00:12:42,058

Ой, это что, двойная сюжетная точка?

00:12:42,085 --> 00:12:43,969

Что ж, вот такие у меня приключения, пёс.

00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:46,187

Это впечатляет сильнее, чем билетёр.

00:12:46,214 --> 00:12:48,058

Ты будто на 90% сделан из отвала пизды.

00:12:48,085 --> 00:12:50,732

Это называется дисциплина. Смотри.

00:12:51,933 --> 00:12:53,280

- Твою мать.

- Боже!

00:12:53,346 --> 00:12:55,388

- Мы должны драться с ним?

- Я не хочу.

00:12:55,415 --> 00:12:57,413

Мы сдаёмся. Мы не будем драться.

00:12:59,094 --> 00:13:00,782

Пипец вам.

00:13:03,846 --> 00:13:05,124

Эй! А ну возвращайся в яйцо!

00:13:07,457 --> 00:13:08,569

- Какого...

- Не парься, Морти.

00:13:08,596 --> 00:13:10,072

Тут всё не канонично.

00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:12,323

Пульс есть.

Держись, рядовой.

00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:14,087

Смит, слушай внимательно.

Ты подвергся воздействию

00:13:14,087 --> 00:13:16,272

химиката, который дурит тебе голову.

00:13:16,299 --> 00:13:18,642

- Чтобы с ним справиться, ты должен...

- Мы его теряем.

00:13:18,669 --> 00:13:20,157

Пришельцы. Сержант?

00:13:20,184 --> 00:13:22,630

Морти, никогда не забывай главную истину...

00:13:22,657 --> 00:13:24,449

Ты получаешь по щщам в поезде.

00:13:25,843 --> 00:13:27,056

Профессор Санчес?

00:13:27,513 --> 00:13:28,190

Получилось?

00:13:28,190 --> 00:13:29,793

Я бы так не сказал, Маркус.

00:13:30,225 --> 00:13:32,243

Я бы сказал, что получилось зашибись!

00:13:32,838 --> 00:13:35,576

Стопроцентное замедление времени

и полное погружение.

00:13:35,576 --> 00:13:36,569

Что значит "полное"?

00:13:36,596 --> 00:13:38,701

Маркус, я вернулся в реальность

три часа назад,

00:13:38,728 --> 00:13:41,074

но у меня остались воспоминания

из другой жизни.

00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:43,009

Н-н-но я был учёным.

00:13:43,078 --> 00:13:44,848

Я-я-я был... Я-я-я изобрёл

00:13:44,875 --> 00:13:47,849

межпространственное перемещение,

у-у-у меня была дочь.

00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,367

И-и не было усов.

00:13:49,531 --> 00:13:53,481

И-иногда я был забавным,

но в основном рыгал.

00:13:53,632 --> 00:13:55,054

Больше никаких тайных испытаний,

00:13:55,329 --> 00:13:56,673

теперь я буду помогать людям.

00:13:56,777 --> 00:13:58,081

Ты уже помог.

00:13:58,081 --> 00:13:59,475

Но погубил больше.

00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:02,382

П-п-профессор Санчес.

Я-я Морти Смит из...

00:14:02,382 --> 00:14:04,334

из... из двести сорок первого века.

00:14:04,361 --> 00:14:05,598

Вашу... вашу таблетку кладут нам в еду.

00:14:05,598 --> 00:14:07,204

- Она... она сработала.

- Вызови полицию!

00:14:07,204 --> 00:14:09,297

Всё хорошо, всё хорошо.

Это всё нереально.

00:14:09,324 --> 00:14:10,804

Т-т-т-т-т-тут всё нереально.

00:14:10,831 --> 00:14:13,639

- Прости, сынок.

- Н-н-ничего. Ты ненастоящий.

00:14:15,543 --> 00:14:18,361

Боже, ты прав. Надо больше историй

в произвольном формате.

00:14:18,622 --> 00:14:20,734

- Залетай.

- Что происходит?

00:14:20,761 --> 00:14:22,257

Это причина, по которой вы здесь.

00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,634

Я наполню свою антологию вашим

бесконечным потенциалом, протолкнув её

00:14:25,661 --> 00:14:29,569

до последней точки...

за пределы пятой стены.

00:14:31,543 --> 00:14:33,920

Дебил. У нас не бесконечный потенциал.

00:14:33,947 --> 00:14:36,331

Мы будем истощены,

и ты не успеешь сломать пятую стену.

00:14:36,359 --> 00:14:39,109

Да ну? Что ж, польза для всех.

00:14:39,172 --> 00:14:40,414

Рик, ч-что происходит?

00:14:40,441 --> 00:14:42,722

Он пытается найти в нас отклик,

Морти. Сопротивляйся!

00:14:43,972 --> 00:14:46,123

Даже не верится, что ты

наконец-то идёшь в колледж.

00:14:46,123 --> 00:14:49,007

Да, я-то думал, что тебе всегда будет 17.

00:14:49,034 --> 00:14:51,068

Лет этак 16 как минимум.

00:14:51,095 --> 00:14:53,050

У меня даже слёзы наворачиваются.

00:14:53,206 --> 00:14:55,622

Боже, Рик, а ты стал очень мягким.

00:14:55,649 --> 00:14:58,285

Это человеческий момент, Морти.

Человеческий момент.

00:14:58,812 --> 00:15:00,619

Ааа! Больно!

00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,881

Абрадольф Линклер? Я думал, что ты умер.

00:15:08,881 --> 00:15:11,902

Я очень даже жив,

и мне нужна твоя помощь.

00:15:11,906 --> 00:15:12,782

Да!

00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:14,827

Чёрт, он берёт всё хорошее, Морти.

00:15:14,854 --> 00:15:16,489

Погоди, а это... это вообще канон?

00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,674

- Вполне мог быть.

- О боже.

00:15:18,674 --> 00:15:21,994

Неужели Рик Санчес хоть чем-то дорожит?

00:15:28,736 --> 00:15:29,985

Как вы нашли нас?

00:15:31,247 --> 00:15:32,604

Я доверяла тебе!

00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:35,540

Не вини других за свои неудачные решения!

00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:39,592

Сопротивляйся, Морти!

Пока он не истощил нас!

00:15:39,619 --> 00:15:41,318

Слишком поздно!

00:15:41,345 --> 00:15:42,453

В чём дело, Рик?

00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,911

Не хочешь увидеть,

как заканчивается твоя история?

00:15:58,522 --> 00:16:01,404

Твою мать, Рик! Что же нам...

Мы... мы... мы не сможем выбраться!

00:16:01,431 --> 00:16:02,390

Ты прав, Морти.

00:16:02,417 --> 00:16:04,394

Порой кажется, что выхода нет.

00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,586

Что всё безнадёжно.

00:16:05,613 --> 00:16:08,393

Но не забывай, что кое-кто

всегда нам помогает.

00:16:08,420 --> 00:16:10,639

- Кто?

- Мой лучший друг и спаситель,

00:16:10,930 --> 00:16:11,764

Иисус Христос.

00:16:11,791 --> 00:16:13,529

Что? Ты... ты же не веришь в бога.

00:16:13,529 --> 00:16:14,702

Но он верит в нас, Морти.

00:16:14,702 --> 00:16:16,814

Знаешь, я считал себя изобретателем,

00:16:16,841 --> 00:16:19,690

но величайшее изобретение из всех –

это дар Вечной жизни.

00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:21,588

Ты... ты что, прикалываешься?

00:16:21,615 --> 00:16:22,835

О, поверь мне, Морти.

00:16:22,862 --> 00:16:25,188

В своей жизни я творил

кучу хурмовой фигни.

00:16:25,225 --> 00:16:27,399

Но никогда не поздно принять Христа.

00:16:27,449 --> 00:16:29,057

Иисус всегда стоит за дверью.

00:16:29,057 --> 00:16:31,233

Надо лишь открыть её и впустить его

в наши сердца.

00:16:31,260 --> 00:16:33,264

- Как?

- Я рад, что ты спросил, Морти.

00:16:33,291 --> 00:16:36,246

Просто закрой глаза и иди к нему

с молитвой. Вот так.

00:16:36,416 --> 00:16:37,633

- Отец небесный.

- Отец небесный.

00:16:37,633 --> 00:16:39,978

Спасибо, что ниспослал своего

единородного сына.

00:16:39,978 --> 00:16:42,063

Погодите, нет! Что вы делаете?

00:16:42,063 --> 00:16:45,615

- Иисус, я впускаю тебя в своё сердце.

- Нет! Что за отстой?

00:16:45,653 --> 00:16:47,651

Хватит! Вы бы никогда такого не сделали!

00:16:47,651 --> 00:16:48,868

Наполни меня своим духом.

00:16:48,868 --> 00:16:50,910

Сделай меня сияющим градом на холме.

00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:52,734

- Нет! Нет!

- Я хочу переродиться.

00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:54,588

- Нет!

- Мы молимся во имя Иисуса.

00:16:54,616 --> 00:16:55,524

- Аминь.

- Аминь.

00:16:55,551 --> 00:16:57,287

- Аминь!

- У вас получилось!

00:16:57,314 --> 00:16:58,628

- Молодец, Морти!

- Распятыш.

00:16:58,655 --> 00:16:59,886

Библезавр. У вас получилось.

00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:03,370

- Мы бы ни за что такое не пропустили.

- И не говори, мистер Сельдерей.

00:17:03,388 --> 00:17:05,169

Что это за херотень?

00:17:05,169 --> 00:17:07,297

Величайшая история из всех,

мастер Сказаний.

00:17:07,297 --> 00:17:09,008

Да нифига! Она ужасна.

00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,766

Что-что, извини?

00:17:14,047 --> 00:17:15,359

Твою налево.

00:17:16,031 --> 00:17:17,768

Господи Боже!

00:17:17,768 --> 00:17:20,158

- Нет! Нет! Какой же отстой!

- Давайте сваливать отсюда. Живо!

00:17:21,548 --> 00:17:22,721

Мы в безопасности, Морти.

00:17:22,721 --> 00:17:24,193

Никто бы не захотел видеть эту хрень.

00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:25,989

Ч-что будет с Мастером Сказаний?

00:17:25,989 --> 00:17:28,541

Он проведёт вечность

в аду каждого писателя...

00:17:28,568 --> 00:17:29,699

- в Библии.

- Ну, не знаю.

00:17:29,784 --> 00:17:31,393

Кому-то она нравится.

00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:32,916

Как-то это цинично.

00:17:32,943 --> 00:17:34,846

Не люблю я грязные приёмчики, понимаешь?

00:17:34,873 --> 00:17:38,115

Грязные приёмчики? Морти,

да нас буквально спас Иисус Христос.

00:17:38,128 --> 00:17:39,920

Каким боком это может

оказаться оскорбительным?

00:17:39,947 --> 00:17:41,067

Я в небольшом замешательстве,

00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:43,471

но вроде как мы стали ближе, да?

00:17:43,625 --> 00:17:46,756

Мы испытали своих демонов. И теперь

мы верим в себя сильнее, чем обычно.

00:17:46,782 --> 00:17:47,781

Да. Ты прав, Морти.

00:17:47,781 --> 00:17:49,780

Мы убрали в сторону всю эту

хрень с мета-каноном,

00:17:49,780 --> 00:17:51,495

и теперь можем быть самими собой.

00:17:51,522 --> 00:17:54,729

Давай отвезём этот поезд на станцию.

00:18:04,556 --> 00:18:05,843

Твою ж!

00:18:07,158 --> 00:18:08,514

Ну, что скажешь?

00:18:08,542 --> 00:18:11,382

- Ух ты. Где ты взял эту штуку?

- В сувенирной лавке цитадели Риков.

00:18:11,448 --> 00:18:12,769

Тебе правда нравится?

00:18:12,796 --> 00:18:16,456

- Я думал, тебе вообще будет плевать.

- Что? Морти. Нет. Мне нравится.

00:18:16,603 --> 00:18:18,206

Ты сделал самое важное.

00:18:18,234 --> 00:18:19,437

Ты... ты что-то купил.

00:18:19,464 --> 00:18:21,005

- Что?

- Ты что-то купил.

00:18:21,032 --> 00:18:23,754

На деньги. Боже. Я обожаю деньги, Морти.

00:18:23,781 --> 00:18:25,736

- Это сарказм?

- Merchandise, Morty.

00:18:25,736 --> 00:18:28,363

Мерч, Морти. Весь смысл твоей жизни –

покупать и потреблять мерч.

00:18:28,391 --> 00:18:29,733

И ты это сделал. Ты сходил в магазин...

00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:32,774

видит бог, в самый настоящий магазин...

и купил там что-то.

00:18:32,774 --> 00:18:34,816

Ты не задавал вопросов

и не поднимал этических возражений.

00:18:34,816 --> 00:18:37,075

Ты... Ты заглянул в кровавые челюсти

00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,321

капитализма и сказал: "Да, папочка, прошу."

00:18:39,348 --> 00:18:41,544

И я... я горжусь тобой.

00:18:41,571 --> 00:18:42,974

Жаль, что ты не взял ещё.

00:18:43,001 --> 00:18:45,580

Я-я обожаю тратить деньги, Морти.

00:18:45,607 --> 00:18:48,191

Рик, ты... ты... м-может тебе надо в больницу?

00:18:48,218 --> 00:18:50,214

Я люблю тебя, Морти. Поцелуй дедушку.

00:18:50,552 --> 00:18:52,136

Давай... давай... поц... поцелуй дедулю.

00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:54,564

Можно в губы.

Как... как тебе будет удобнее.

00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:55,591

Некоторые так делают.

00:18:57,166 --> 00:18:58,547

Очень мило. Спасибо.

00:18:58,547 --> 00:19:00,489

Я-я люблю тебя. Ты мой приятель.

00:19:00,914 --> 00:19:01,738

Ладно,

00:19:02,243 --> 00:19:04,109

давай посмотрим

Межпространственное кабельное.

00:19:09,122 --> 00:19:12,107

Хочешь сказать,

что мой отец и его царство...

00:19:12,405 --> 00:19:15,273

Ну, да... всё основано на смеси

00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:17,008

шумерского бога "Я"

00:19:17,035 --> 00:19:19,224

и месопотамского бога "Вэй".

00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,010

А мы на игрушечном поезде?

00:19:22,415 --> 00:19:23,333

Да.

00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:26,553

Этого достаточно, чтобы подвергнуть

своё существование сомнению, не так ли?

00:19:27,034 --> 00:19:29,105

И что ты будешь с этим делать?

00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:31,058

Будут делать то же, что и всегда.

00:19:32,764 --> 00:19:34,339

Свалю отсюда к хренам.

00:19:34,926 --> 00:19:39,125

Отец знамений! Одари меня морями крови!

00:19:41,775 --> 00:19:42,725

Морти, что за хрень?

00:19:42,752 --> 00:19:45,049

Твой поезд сошёл с рельс.

00:19:45,077 --> 00:19:46,641

А его окна заляпаны кровью.

00:19:46,641 --> 00:19:48,845

Блин, прости, Рик.

Похоже, придётся его вернуть.

00:19:48,872 --> 00:19:51,267

Вернуть... ты спятил?

Ты хоть слышал, что я сказал?

00:19:51,294 --> 00:19:53,679

Купи ещё один. Потребляй, Морти.

00:19:53,706 --> 00:19:56,151

Сейчас в магазинах пусто

из-за этого хреновируса.

00:19:56,178 --> 00:19:57,756

Где твой сраный кошелёк?

00:20:29,114 --> 00:20:30,489

Устали от одинаковых приключений

00:20:30,516 --> 00:20:32,231

- со своим говёным Морти?

- Да!

00:20:32,258 --> 00:20:32,940

Вот блин.

00:20:32,967 --> 00:20:35,077

Тогда обратите внимание

на поезд сказаний из Цитадели Риков.

00:20:35,104 --> 00:20:36,950

Поезд сказаний. Поезд сказаний.

00:20:36,977 --> 00:20:40,295

В поезде сказаний из Цитадели Риков

вагоны врагов, любовников

00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:43,208

и Гумби, и все они пытаются

разобраться в себе.

00:20:43,235 --> 00:20:44,581

Рик это бог.

Билетики, пожалуйста.

00:20:44,581 --> 00:20:46,457

Ой-ёй! Берегитесь! Это мастер сказаний!

00:20:46,484 --> 00:20:48,926

- Блин. А он накачанный.

- Полный отвал пизды.

00:20:48,926 --> 00:20:50,351

Но какое сказание может обойтись

00:20:50,378 --> 00:20:52,584

без машиниста величайшей истории из всех?

00:20:52,611 --> 00:20:53,884

О, Иисус Христос.

00:20:53,911 --> 00:20:55,956

Я явился, чтобы спасти мир,

а не судить его.

00:20:55,983 --> 00:20:57,637

А самое классное, что веселье

никогда не закончится.

00:20:57,664 --> 00:20:59,396

Благодаря генератору антологии,

запатентованному Риком,

00:20:59,396 --> 00:21:01,955

вам всегда будет что рассказать людям.

00:21:01,982 --> 00:21:03,360

- Они живы?

- Конечно.

00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:06,912

- Но не так, чтобы это было важно.

- У. Них. Нет. Душ.

00:21:06,948 --> 00:21:08,250

Марионетки. Судьбы.

00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:10,462

Поезд сказаний. Доступен к покупке

в Цитадели Риков.

00:21:10,489 --> 00:21:12,447

Берите его иронически или искренне.

Главное купите.

00:21:12,474 --> 00:21:13,826

Отказ от покупки является

согласием на покупку.

00:21:13,853 --> 00:21:17,236

Покупайте. Ищите в сети.

Он существует. www.story-train.com.

00:21:17,264 --> 00:21:19,593

В интернете. Он там есть.

Купите. Купите поезд.

00:21:19,620 --> 00:21:21,027

Мы хотим, чтобы вы купили поезд.

00:00:10,886 --> 00:00:12,720

Tickets, please.

00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:16,390

[ Indistinct chatter ]

00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:20,102

Barkeep. A drink

for my colleague.

00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:21,437

Do I know you?

00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,147

I know the only reason

to travel by train

00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:24,524

is to travel

with weapons.

00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:26,734

And we all know that

at the end of this line,

00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,986

there's only one creature

worth killing.

00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,948

The man in

the white coat.

00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:34,575

May as well take turns

exchanging stories.

00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:38,204

Mine begins

on planet Ramamama.

00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:40,665

Lower him into acid.

00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:44,627

Once he's dissolved,

lower someone else into acid.

00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,629

Is he dissolved?

00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,590

At least use the downtime

to reset the acid lowerer.

00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,551

I really don't like

the attitude around here.

00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:54,220

It's a very "lower me into acid"

attitude.

00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:55,346

[ Door slams open ]

00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:57,473

Who are you?

00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:58,683

[ Farts ]

00:00:58,809 --> 00:00:59,976

How did you

reach my sanctum?

00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:01,227

[ Farts ]

00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,520

All right,

this is going in circles.

00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,313

Seize him!

00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:06,232

-Aah!

-Aah!

00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:08,693

[ All shouting ]

00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,031

[ Glass shatters ]

00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,117

-Aah!

-Aah!

00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,163

[ Farting ]

00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:22,373

Very well.

00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,792

Now I will fight you.

00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,503

Anyway, he tells a different

version of the story

00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:29,463

where I start crying

or something.

00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,632

That's why he has to die.

00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,050

'Cause he's a liar.

00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,302

So...

00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,262

why are you going to kill

Rick Sanchez?

00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:37,597

Okay, I don't know

who that is.

00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:39,348

I don't accept your weird

leap in logic

00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,434

that has everyone on a train

going to kill one guy.

00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,644

And even if I did,

why would we take turns

00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:44,770

telling stories

about it like

00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:46,022

little girls

at a sleepover?

00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:47,690

If you're trying

to be hurtful,

00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:48,941

you're doing a good job.

00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,318

I'll take his turn.

00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,153

Here's why I'm going

to kill Rick Sanchez.

00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:53,529

You guys have fun

with this.

00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,197

Dissolve to

a clam-shaped sun

00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:57,116

52

00:01:57,242 --> 00:01:58,659

Whew. [ Sighs ]

00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,286

By then, of course,

he had left toys

00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:03,539

and flesh drops for every

one of us in the spore-hive.

00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:04,915

Ah, a newcomer!

00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,459

I suppose you think you have

a better story

00:02:06,585 --> 00:02:09,420

about how Rick Sanchez

saved Space Christmas.

00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,881

What is with

the Rick Sanchez obsession?

00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,174

[ Laughter ]

00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,967

I think the best way

to answer that

00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,345

is with my

Christmas Rick Tale.

00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,056

Whoo!

00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:21,807

Could've used

Rudolph tonight!

00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:23,559

Oh, thank God.

I'm not too late.

00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:24,810

I don't know how to

thank you, Goomby.

00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:26,103

No need.

00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,480

You just go in there

and have a nice time.

00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,190

I will. Thanks.

00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:33,819

-[ Door opens ]

-RICK: Hey.

00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:35,321

Merry Christmas, Goomby.

00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,239

Merry Christmas, Rick.

00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:38,491

Oh. Uh...

00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:39,867

Oh, it's okay.

00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,243

I-I don't have to.

Sorry if that was --

00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:42,620

No. Um, um,

I can ask.

00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:43,913

No, no, no,

I don't wanna be a burden.

00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,539

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, there's just --

00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:46,791

there's a lot of people.

Family. You know?

00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:47,833

I get it.

00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:48,876

-You're not mad?

-Totally fine.

00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,336

Bye.

00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,463

[ Wind whistling ]

00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,051

[ Laughter ]

00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,594

That --

Okay, none of my business

00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,054

but he didn't even save

Christmas in that story.

00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,222

Oh, how dare you!

00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,515

That doesn't mean

I'm invested.

00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:03,891

Tell your

Christmas Rick story!

00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,851

Step the hell back!

Back!

00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,399

[ Panting ]

00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,150

You start teeing up

a Rick Sanchez vignette,

00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:14,944

and you'll be doing it

through two holes.

00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,737

I'm just trying to figure out

what's going on with this train.

00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,072

Do you remember

getting on it?

00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,825

No. First thing

I remember is...

00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,702

Tickets, please.

00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:26,914

So, why did you date

Rick Sanchez?

00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,374

What?

00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,000

Oh, you don't have to pretend

you didn't date him.

00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:31,752

We all did.

We get it.

00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:35,297

Low point in your life,

rebound from an ex, et cetera.

00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:36,632

No, really, who?

00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,759

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, exactly.

00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,888

In fact, and get this,

when he met my family...

00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,348

-[ Wolf growling ]

-Aah!

00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:45,474

[ Grunting ]

00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,852

Leah!

Leah, check it out.

00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:48,978

Where'd you meet

this, um...

00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,938

-[ Sighs ]

-...sprite?

00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,190

He's actually a human.

00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:55,776

But he invented portal tech?

00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,611

I am the concept

of time.

00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:58,696

Jesus!

00:03:58,822 --> 00:03:59,989

I warned you

not to do that.

00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,949

-I wasn't trying.

-You don't have to.

00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,284

The train is

obviously amplifying

00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,827

and linking unrelated

narrative fields.

00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,162

Uh-huh...

00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:07,913

Morty? I told you if you

found me again,

00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:09,415

identify yourself.

00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:11,208

I didn't

know it was you.

00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:12,460

How did you not

recognize me?

00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:13,919

Didn't you create

the disguises?

00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:15,796

When I create shit,

it works, Morty.

00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,006

It's called

being talented.

00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:18,299

Why can't

we find the engine?

00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,426

It's not a real train,

it's a story device.

00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,720

Literally.

A literal literary device

00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,097

quite literally

metaphorically containing us.

00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,098

A simulation.

00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:27,600

Worse.

An anthology.

00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:29,268

Okay, so how --

how do we hijack it?

00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:30,728

Oh, Morty,

it's been hijacked

00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,229

for at least

two full minutes.

00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,356

Are you not hearing

this insane conversation?

00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,901

Okay, Tickets Please Guy,

stop the anthology.

00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,986

If we wanted one-offs,

we'd do Interdimensional Cable,

00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,071

not some uptight,

overwritten --

00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:42,615

-Rick?

-God damn!

00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:43,866

Tickets, please.

00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,117

Dude, I'm sure

you've got, like,

00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,952

so many tickets

at this point.

00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,330

Jesus! The Tickets Please guy

is cut!

00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,040

He -- he -- he's -- he's

got those things.

00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:53,125

W-what do you call them.

Uhm, cum gutters.

00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,668

-Morty, gross!

-That's what people call them.

00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,253

Gross people. I don't

want to have to picture

00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,506

cum so watery

in such volumes that --

00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,965

Hey, hey, hey,

stay back.

00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,509

I'll kick you.

I-I'll kick your shin, bro.

00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,135

-Aaah!

-Hey!

00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,387

I'll fuckin' cook and eat

your ticket-taking ass.

00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,640

-[ Coughs ]

-Hey, I found a ticket.

00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,016

[ Coughs ]

00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,477

Wow, you are just --

ladies and gentlemen,

00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,395

the Jackie Chan

of human shielding.

00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:14,772

Who takes the time to get

this good at --

00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:15,981

Fuck this.

00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,608

-Aaah

-Structural breach.

00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:18,984

Losing continuity.

00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,486

Morty,

hold on to something.

00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:21,487

Keep your head inside.

00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:22,696

Aaah!

00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,865

[ Gasps ]

00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,451

[ Video games beeping ]

00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:28,786

Share with your

sister, Josh.

00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:30,120

Just because it's your

birthday doesn't mean

00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,664

you can be an asshole.

00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,749

-You okay, Dad?

-Is this real?

00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,084

I doubt it, but you get

what you get

00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,335

when you eat dinner

in an arcade.

00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:38,671

I mean are you real,

is life real?

00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,339

Okay, I'm calling the nurse

because you are not

00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:41,882

-doing this tonight.

-You're God damn right

00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:44,051

-I'm not because --

-You are not doing this tonight!

00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,386

This isn't real life!

00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:46,804

-Dad? Oh, my God!

-Honey. Sweetie.

00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:47,972

-What's happening?

-Give me your tickets.

00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,390

I -- I need tickets.

00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,726

Everyone give me

tickeeeeeettttttts!

00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,228

Aaaah!

00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,856

Aaah!

00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,693

FEMALE VOICE:

Emergency continuity deployed.

00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,069

[ Breathing heavily ]

00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,487

[ Groans ]

00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:06,991

-This could come in handy.

-Can't we just ride out the --

00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,450

Fuck you,

I'd rather die.

00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:10,160

-[ Crashing ]

-Train cops! Hands in the air!

00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:11,537

Tee up a story

about Rick Sanchez!

00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,038

-He is Rick!

-Jesus Christ!

00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,498

Is that

the Tickets Please Guy?

00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:15,875

Well, just the stub.

00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,209

-Too soon!

-Too soon!

00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,961

Don't move! Too soon!

00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:23,215

So, what did the Train Cops

do wrong?

00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:24,884

Shot...people?

00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,635

-Shot passengers.

-Wrong.

00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:28,762

The passengers tampered

with the anthology's structure.

00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,264

Lethal response

was permitted,

00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,600

but not with him

holding that tank.

00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,393

Let's take a look at what

they should have done.

00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,686

Train cops!

Hands in the air!

00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,021

-Drop the tank!

-Drop it!

00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:38,606

Drop it! Drop the tank.

00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,275

[ Applause ]

00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,860

Sorry to nitpick, sir,

but if there was

00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,988

a continuity explosion,

isn't there always one?

00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:47,907

And doesn't that mean

those two could be anywhere?

00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,742

What? No, you idiot,

that -- it's --

00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,869

It's just a training video.

That didn't actually happen.

00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:52,912

That's what you think.

00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,580

Hey.

How'd you get here?

00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,165

Yeah, like we're the ones

that popped up out of nowhere?

00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:57,166

Fuck these guys.

00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:59,335

[ Grunting ]

00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,588

Hey, what the hell?

Your leg is healed.

00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:04,298

Yeah, it's a real

free-for-all.

00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:05,841

Here we go.

00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,384

Of course this thing is

just a fucking circle.

00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,094

You'd think it was so

God damn complicated --

00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,639

Okay, here's where

the stupid vignettes were.

00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,432

God, imagine if that

had been the whole thing.

00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:17,311

So now we're here,

and the engine must be here.

00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,896

I'll have to rig us

a couple of space suits

00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:21,190

that start failing

around here so we can

00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:22,483

[burps]

pay a heavy price

00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:23,901

for re-entering

at this threshold.

00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,361

We have to

leave the train?

00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:26,987

We don't have to

do anything, Morty.

00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,572

This is just

a structural guide.

00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,741

We're obviously gonna

impart our own style.

00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,159

I don't like how meta

this is getting, Rick.

00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,410

Shut up, Morty.

You're 14.

00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:34,912

You watch videos

of people on YouTube

00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,580

reacting to

fucking YouTube.

00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:37,831

I'll be the judge of

when we get too meta.

00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:38,958

Holy shit.

00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,250

-How is he still breathing?

-Aah!

00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:41,961

He's suspended

in disbelief,

00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,671

slowly dying while

living out an alternative

00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,005

non-diagetic reality.

00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:47,007

Geez, what a horrible

way to die.

00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,050

You don't know

the half of it.

00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:49,718

-Oh!

-[ Both laugh ]

00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:51,553

You're on fuego with the

guy-torn-in-half bits, Rick.

00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:52,846

That one was

organic, though.

00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,431

That's because

you're naturally funny.

00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:55,683

That -- that's good

old-fashioned fun

00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,142

right there, you know?

00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:58,560

W-w-we don't need

to over-think shit, okay?

00:07:58,687 --> 00:07:59,853

Okay, buddy.

Nice and grounded,

00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,188

fully immersive

from here on out.

00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,606

[ Rumbling ]

00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,233

-Right after this.

-W-what's happening?

00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,567

Going into an act break.

00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,153

♪ Not quite a bird ♪

00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:10,155

♪ Not quite a person ♪

00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:11,532

♪ Maybe what matters ♪

00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,993

♪ Is to love

yourself first and ♪

00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:15,619

♪ Soar ♪

00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:17,454

♪ Child of air and land ♪

00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,707

♪ With wings and hands ♪

00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,583

♪ Yes, you're a bird

and a person ♪

00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,794

♪ I'm a bird

and a person ♪

00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,671

BOTH: ♪ And more ♪

00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,464

Sure, that was

a great moment,

00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:28,549

but it was hardly

the best time

00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:29,675

Rick and Morty

were musical.

00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,010

Who can

forget the t--

00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,886

Hey. You guys

think there's something weird

00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,179

about this train?

00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,305

We've been here

a really long time

00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:36,515

and nobody's

taken our tickets.

00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:37,766

Aaah!

00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:38,892

[ All screaming ]

00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,437

Aaaah!

00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:43,647

The galaxy's greatest scientists

continue to ponder

00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,442

the horrific figure known

to children as Floaty Blood Man.

00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:49,069

But after three months, nobody

is any closer to the truth.

00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:51,113

For Cutesy Name News,

I'm Uncle Nibbles.

00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,449

I can't believe

Floaty Bloody Man is real.

00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:55,576

He's more than real,

he's my new god.

00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,578

-Check it.

-Is that brand-new,

00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,580

-or is the blood just --

-Accurately depicted, yeah.

00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:01,749

His followers believe

the entire universe

00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,667

is Floaty Bloody Man's

nightmare as he dies

00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,127

in a time-dilated

reality.

00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:06,587

So we could

go at any minute.

00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:09,048

No. I'm part of

the Floaty Nogasm Brotherhood.

00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,507

We believe we're

keeping him alive

00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:13,010

by redirecting our suppressed

sexual energies.

00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,470

You're staying a virgin

00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:17,056

just to keep

the universe existing?

00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,433

That's...

so attractive.

00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,642

It is?

00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,728

Okay, look,

let's just do it once.

00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:25,230

[ Moaning ]

00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,442

Sorry.

00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,944

Aaah!

00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,446

-Happy now?

-He was suffering.

00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,822

Keep moving.

00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:35,365

We have to get

to the return threshold

00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:36,825

before the ticking clock

on your suit gets to zero.

00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,077

Why would you put

ticking clock --

00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,328

Because if it's too easy

to get there,

00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:40,954

we'll never get there.

00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,790

If you don't want to be meta

stop, deconstructing shit.

00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,541

That's

the thematic seal.

00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,168

Gotta find a way

to disrupt it.

00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:49,171

Okay, Morty, tell a story

unrelated to us.

00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,340

-Uh, what do --

-Stop thinking and do it!

00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,425

Uh, okay, uh,

there was this --

00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,511

My name is Mike Johnson.

That's good coffee.

00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:56,512

[ Doorbell rings ]

00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,305

Better get that door.

00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,973

Iiiiiiii, hello.

00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,308

I want your cookies.

00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,684

I'm hungry,

I want your cookies.

00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,144

Scorpions, scorpions.

00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,271

There's scorpions outside.

Get inside.

00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:07,648

What do they want

from us?

00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,274

-They want food.

-Me too.

00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,400

RICK: Okay, just stop.

00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,111

I'm not

a writer, okay?

00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:13,946

Relax, your story was supposed

to be awful and stupid.

00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,197

I just failed to

predict how well

00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:16,698

that would mesh

with the theme.

00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,033

Think. Think.

00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,618

What kind of story

would we never --

00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,703

Morty, do you know

what the Bechdel Test is?

00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,163

-The what?

-For God's sake, Morty,

00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:24,832

the formula for

measuring female agency

00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,875

in a story proposed by

lesbian cartoonist Allison --

00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:28,627

what the hell are they

teaching you in that school?!

00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:30,462

-Other stuff!

-Then you've killed us both!

00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:32,506

Why is lesbian part

of her job title?!

00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,882

Oh, now you're

progressive?!

00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,551

-What is the test?!

-You have to tell --

00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:36,718

[ Beeping ]

00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:38,929

[ Gagging ]

00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:41,098

Morty, Morty.

00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:43,642

Two women.

They both have to have names

00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,227

and talk to each other

about something...

00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:46,687

Rick!

00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,730

-...other than a man...

-Oh, Rick, listen to me.

00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:51,400

Once upon a time,

my mom and my sister...

00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:53,110

Listen to me!

00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:56,196

Mom, can I try

your tea?

00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,031

Yes, Summer.

00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,658

Yes. Try my tea.

00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:02,035

It's so good.

It's so warm.

00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,163

Mom, can I talk to you

00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,706

about my special time?

00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,916

It's okay.

I have one, too.

00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,126

Mine is heavy today.

00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:10,919

Mine is never light.

00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,796

I love you ever

since you were...

00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,089

mailed to me.

00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,757

By a doctor woman.

00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,259

Your special time

is your power.

00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,469

It makes you strong

like a boob.

00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:20,762

Strong against what?

00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:22,848

Scorpions.

Female Scorpions.

00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:24,975

They're attacking

outside. Come on.

00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,188

Fight them with your

heavy special time.

00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:30,564

You do it, too.

00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,692

[ Epic music plays ]

00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:37,779

[ Cellphones ring ]

00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:39,448

-Hello?

-Hello?

00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:42,284

I'm that Supreme Court lady,

and you fucking did it.

00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,536

-We did it!

-We did it!

00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,124

[ Grunts ]

00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,876

Great job, Morty.

00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:52,461

A feminist masterpiece.

00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:54,171

Hey, look.

00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,135

Guess who's got two penises

and all the agency?

00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,137

Rick and Morty.

00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:03,805

Story Lord.

00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,515

I should've known you were

behind this, and I did.

00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:06,808

-Who is this guy?

-Ugh.

00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:08,810

He's like a Matrix

Space Frasier.

00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:09,978

Let's get this fight

over with, nerd.

00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,188

I've got

shit to do.

00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:12,689

You of all people

know, Rick,

00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:15,192

there can be no destination

without a journey.

00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,402

I don't know that at all.

I regularly teleport.

00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:20,155

Oh, of course.

No rules for you.

00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:21,865

Spiraling through

the multiverse,

00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:24,743

burping semi-improvised dialogue

about how nothing matters,

00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:27,329

so we may as well pull out

our dicks and rub them

00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,998

on fate's glaring teeth

like we're brushing fate's teeth

00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,209

but we're using your gross,

dirty dick.

00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:33,418

Must be nice.

00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:34,670

-[ Slurps ]

-Nobody's stopping you.

00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:36,838

True. Not anymore.

00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:37,923

[ Grunts ]

00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,299

-Goddamn!

-We already did this.

00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,510

Oh, is this a double beat?

Oh, well.

00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,428

Just how I adventure,

dawg.

00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:44,596

This is more

impressive than

00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:45,847

the Tickets Please Guy,

though.

00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,516

You are like 90%

cum gutter.

00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:50,727

It's called discipline.

Watch this.

00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,479

-God damn.

-Geez!

00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,605

Do we have to

fight him?

00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:54,898

I don't want to.

00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,441

We surrender.

We're not fighting.

00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:57,526

-[ Grunting ]

-Ow!

00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:58,694

Ow!

00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,404

Fucking kick your ass.

00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:01,405

Ow!

00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:02,823

Oh!

00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,033

-[ Alarm ringing ]

-Hey! Get back in your egg!

00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:07,911

-What the --

-Don't worry, Morty!

00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:08,954

Nothing out there

is canon!

00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,289

[ Grunts ]

00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,873

-We've got a pulse.

-Stay with me, Private.

00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,667

Smith, listen to me.

You were exposed

00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,711

to a chemical that is

altering your mind.

00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:17,004

To beat it,

you have to hold on --

00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,088

We're losing him.

00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:19,756

Aliens. Sarge?!

00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:22,217

Morty, never forget the highest

truth of all --

00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:24,469

you're getting your

ass kicked on a train.

00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:25,470

[ Grunts ]

00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:26,930

Professor Sanchez?

00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:28,015

Did it work?

00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,766

I wouldn't say that,

Marcus.

00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:32,352

I'd say it

fucking worked.

00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:35,105

100% time dilation

and total immersion.

00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,565

-Define "total."

-Marcus,

00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:38,358

I've been back in reality

for three hours,

00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,610

and I still have memories

of a completely different life.

00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,571

I-I-I was

a scientist still.

00:13:42,697 --> 00:13:44,364

I-I-I was --

I-I-I had developed

00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:47,451

inter-dimensional travel,

I-I-I-I had a daughter.

00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,119

I-I didn't

have a mustache.

00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:53,290

I-I was kinda funny sometimes,

mostly burping.

00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:54,750

No more secret testing.

00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,168

I can help people now.

00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:57,377

You've helped people.

00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:58,670

I've hurt more.

00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,088

Aaah!

00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:02,007

P-P-Professor Sanchez.

I-I'm Morty Smith

00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,592

from the -- the --

the the 241 st.

00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,093

They -- they -- put your

pill in our food.

00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:06,720

-It -- it works.

-Call the police!

00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,513

It's okay. It's okay.

It's not real.

00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,182

N-n-n-n-nothing's

real.

00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,391

I'm sorry, son.

00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,226

I-i-it's okay.

You aren't real.

00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,020

[ All screaming ]

00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:17,814

God, you're right.

I should do more freeform stuff.

00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,941

-STORY LORD: In you go.

-What's happening?

00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,526

The reason

I brought you here.

00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,612

I'll now fuel

my anthology with your

00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,364

limitless potential,

propelling it to

00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:28,658

its final stop --

beyond the fifth wall.

00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:33,205

You idiot. Our potential

isn't limitless.

00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:34,414

You'll never break

the fifth wall

00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:35,624

before you've burnt

us out.

00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:38,377

Is that so?

Oh, well. Win-win.

00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:39,669

Rick,

w-what's he doing?

00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:41,213

He's trying to tap

into us, Morty.

00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:43,173

Resist.

00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,384

I can't believe you're finally

headed off to college.

00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,802

Yeah, you know,

it really felt like

00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:48,303

you were gonna be

17 forever.

00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,347

For, like,

16 years, at least.

00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:52,432

I can't believe

I'm tearing up over this.

00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,893

Jesus, Rick, you know,

you've really softened up.

00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:56,478

It's a human moment,

Morty.

00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:58,188

It's a human moment.

00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,107

-Aaah!

-Aaah! It hurts!

00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,154

[ Crashing ]

00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,156

Abradolph Lincoler?

I thought you were dead.

00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:11,201

I'm very much alive,

and I need your help.

00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,661

Yeah!

00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,079

Shit. He's taking

the good stuff, Morty.

00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:15,789

Wait, is --

is any of this canon?

00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:16,998

It could have been.

00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,708

[ Chuckles ] Oh, dear.

00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:21,711

Are there things Rick Sanchez

holds sacred after all?

00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:22,796

[ Whirring ]

00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,506

[ Both groaning ]

00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,093

[ Grunts ]

00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:29,594

How did you find us?

00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,012

[ Grunting ]

00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:32,389

I trusted you!

00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,641

Don't blame others

for your bad decisions.

00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,393

[ Grunting ]

00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:38,854

Resist, Morty!

Resist before he burns us out!

00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,564

Oh, too late now!

00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:41,898

What's wrong, Rick?

00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,192

Don't you want to see

how your story ends?!

00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:45,944

[ Laughs ]

00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:56,913

[ All shouting ]

00:15:57,874 --> 00:15:59,624

Holy shit, Rick.

What do we --

00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:00,876

There -- there --

there's now way out!

00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:02,252

You're right, Morty.

00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:03,962

Sometimes it does seem

like there's no way out.

00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,422

Like it's hopeless.

00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:07,716

But remember, there's always

someone there for us.

00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:09,050

Who?

00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:10,093

My best friend

and personal savior,

00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,511

Jesus Christ.

00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:12,888

What?! You -- you don't

believe in God.

00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,389

But He believes

in us, Morty.

00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,224

You know, I thought

I was the inventor,

00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:17,476

but the greatest

invention of all

00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,060

is the free gift

of Eternal Life.

00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:21,062

Is this --

are you fucking with me?

00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,647

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, trust me, Morty.

00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,566

I've done plenty of

effed up stuff in my life.

00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:26,818

But it's never too late

to accept Christ.

00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,403

Jesus is always

knocking at the door.

00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:30,030

All we have to do

is open it and let Him

00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,281

-into our hearts.

-How?

00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,699

I'm so glad you asked,

Morty.

00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,826

Just close your eyes

and go to Him in prayer.

00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,203

Like this.

00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,954

-Heavenly Father.

-Heavenly Father.

00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,748

TOGETHER: Thank you for sending

your only begotten son.

00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:41,750

What a second, no!

What are you doing?!

00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:43,835

TOGETHER: Jesus, I accept you

into my heart.

00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,212

No! This sucks.

00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,088

Stop! You guys would

never do this.

00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:48,507

TOGETHER:

Fill me with your Spirit.

00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,133

Make me a shining city

on a hill for you.

00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:51,927

-No! No!

-TOGETHER: Make me born again.

00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,720

-No!

-In Jesus' name, we pray.

00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,138

-Amen.

-Amen.

00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:56,723

-Amen!

-You did it!

00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,183

-Way to go, Morty!

-Crossy.

00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,434

Bible-Saurus.

You made it.

00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,520

We wouldn't miss this

for anything!

00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:02,812

You said it,

Mr. Celery.

00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:04,773

What the fuck

is all of this?!

00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:06,608

Greatest story

ever told, Story Lord.

00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:08,485

No, it's not.

It's awful!

00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:10,028

[ Whooshing ]

00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:11,655

I beg your pardon?

00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:13,448

Ah!

00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,200

Goddamn.

00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:17,118

-[ All gasping ]

-My Lord and my God!

00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,662

-No! No! It sucks in here.

-Let's get the fuck

00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,622

outta here. Go, now.

00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:22,123

Ugh.

We're safe, Morty.

00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,792

Nobody ever wanted

to see that shit.

00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:25,585

Wh-what's gonna happen

to Story Lord?

00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:27,921

He gets to spend eternity in

every writer's hell --

00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,256

-the Bible.

-I don't know.

00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,132

Some people actually

like that stuff.

00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,676

Seems kind of cynical.

00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,302

I just don't like taking

cheap shots, you know?

00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:36,096

Cheap shots?

Morty, we were literally

00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,514

saved by Jesus Christ.

00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,391

Tell me in any way

how that's offensive.

00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,059

This was

a little confusing,

00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,061

but I guess it brought us

closer together, you know?

00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,563

Tested our demons.

00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,147

Made us believe in

ourselves more than ever.

00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:47,566

Yeah.

You're right, Morty.

00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:49,317

We got all that meta-canon

shit outta the way

00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,069

and now we can

just be ourselves.

00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,779

Now what do you say we

bring this train

00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,489

into the station.

00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:06,418

Oh, shit.

00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,003

MORTY:

So what do you think?

00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:09,421

Wow. Where did you

get this thing?

00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:11,172

The Citadel of Ricks

Gift Shop.

00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,758

Do you really like it?

I didn't think you'd even care.

00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,969

What? Morty. No.

I love it.

00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,679

You did the most

important thing.

00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:19,055

You -- you bought

something.

00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:20,515

-What?

-You bought something.

00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:23,226

With money. God.

I love money so much, Morty.

00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,353

-Are you being sarcastic?

-Merchandise, Morty.

00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:28,023

Your only purpose in life is to

buy and consume merchandise.

00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:29,649

And you did it.

You went into a store --

00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,444

an actual honest to God store --

and you bought something.

00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,446

You didn't ask questions

or raise ethical complaints.

00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,406

You -- you just looked straight

into the bleeding jaws

00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,742

of capitalism

and said "Yes, daddy, please."

00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:41,161

And I'm...

I'm so proud of you.

00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,537

I only wish you could've

bought more.

00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,040

I -- I love buying things

so much, Morty.

00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:46,333

Rick, are -- are you --

00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,709

do you need to go

to the hospital?

00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,045

I love you, Morty.

Give Grandpa a kiss.

00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,880

Give -- give -- gimme --

give Grandpa a kiss.

00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:53,214

Lips if you want.

00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:54,549

What-- whatever

you're comfortable with.

00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:55,842

Some cultures do that.

00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,719

That was sweet.

Thank you.

00:18:57,845 --> 00:19:00,180

I -- I love you.

You're my little buddy.

00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,848

Okay.

00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,391

Let's watch some

Interdimensional Cable.

00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:05,518

[ Television clicks,

static crackles ]

00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,313

[ Train whistle blows ]

00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,440

So you're saying

my father

00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:11,941

and His kingdom...

00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,819

Well, yes --

it's based on the fusion

00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:16,363

of a Sumerian god

named "Ya"

00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,157

and a Mesopotamian god

named "Way."

00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,618

And we're in

a toy train?

00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,078

Yes.

00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:24,412

It's enough to really

make you question

00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,414

all of existence,

isn't it?

00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:28,917

So what do you think you're

gonna do about it?

00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:32,128

I'm gonna do

what I've always done.

00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,172

I'm gonna get the fuck

outta here.

00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:38,760

Father of omens!

Give me blood beyond sight!

00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:41,054

[ Crackling ]

00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,764

Hey, what

the fuck, Morty?

00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:44,474

The train you got me just

completely derailed itself.

00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,017

There's blood all over

the windows on it.

00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,061

Oh, man, I'm sorry, Rick.

I guess I'll return it.

00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,479

Return --

Are you insane?

00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:50,647

Did you hear

nothing I said?

00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:51,898

Buy another one,

Morty.

00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,483

Consume, Morty.

00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:55,485

Nobody's out there shopping

with this fucking virus.

00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,070

Where's your

fucking wallet?!

00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,198

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:20:27,685 --> 00:20:29,185

RICK: Tired of the same

boring adventures

00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,478

with your dogshit Morty?

00:20:30,604 --> 00:20:32,313

-Yeah!

-Aw. Geez.

00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,607

Then get ready for the Citadel

of Rick's Story Train.

00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,192

DEEP VOICE: Story Train.

Story Train.

00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:37,777

RICK: The Citadel of Rick's

Story Train

00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,821

comes with car after car

of enemies, lovers,

00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,322

and Goomby, all grappling with

00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:42,532

the nature of who

you truly are.

00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:44,033

MORTY: Rick is a god!

Tickets Please.

00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,618

RICK: Whoa! Watch out!

It's Story Lord!

00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:46,953

Damn. He's jacked.

00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,580

DEEP VOICE:

Pure cum gutter.

00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:50,373

RICK: And of course, what

story would be complete

00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,083

without the engineer of

the Greatest Story Ever Told.

00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:53,209

MORTY: Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:54,502

JESUS:

I have come not to judge

00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,254

the world, but to save it.

00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,006

RICK: And the best part is,

the fun never ends.

00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,466

Thanks to the Rick-patented

anthology generator,

00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:00,925

you'll never run out

of new stories

00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:02,135

and people to tell them.

00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:03,553

-Are they alive?

-RICK: Of course.

00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:04,929

But not in any ways

that matter.

00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:06,431

DEEP VOICE:

They. Have. No. Souls.

00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:07,766

Puppets. Of. Fate.

00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,225

RICK: The Story Train.

00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,977

Available now in

The Citadel of Ricks.

00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,479

Buy it ironically.

Buy it sincerely. Just buy it.

00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:13,855

Not buying it is an act

of buying it.

00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:15,106

Buy it now. Look it up.

It's real.

00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:16,941

www.story-train.com.

00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,902

On the Internet. It's there.

Buy it. Buy the train.

00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:20,278

We want you to buy the train.