Звёздный рикрейсер „Гадлактика“

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Приключение будет долгим,

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и опустошать кувшин мне не особо охота.

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Джерри, прошу, позволь мне

автоматизировать эту рутинную хрень!

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Я ни у кого не просил помощи,

и вы двое можете уходить.

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Мама сказала мне остаться здесь

и проследить, чтоб ты не умер.

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Ну тогда передай матери,

что я не пропаду.

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Не приучай ребёнка врать, Джерри,

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даже если, ну, Рождество на носу.

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Тогда сам ей передам.

Уоу!

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Я же просил, больше никаких лучемётов!

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Чем ты там в меня пульнул?

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Теперь твоя атомная матрица

чуть легче воздуха.

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А ботинки чуть тяжелее воздуха,

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что делает тебя плюс-минус невесомым.

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И, на мой взгляд, концептуально это

более впечатляюще,

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чем хождение по воде.

Но что я понимаю?

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Божий промысел не одарял меня с рождения.

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Я сам всей хуйни достиг.

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Сразу проясню: это не значит,

что ты мне помог.

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Эффект пройдёт через 10 часов, и следующий

такой выстрел обойдётся тебе в 30 баксов.

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Да будто оно мне нужно

на все 10 часов.

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Сири, поставь таймер

на 9 часов и 50 минут.

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Включаю группу Beatles.

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- Мне надо пописать.

- Неа.

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Могу дать тебе сколопендру,

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проглотишь – и сразу расхочется.

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Не буду я глотать сколопендру.

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Ты думаешь, сколопендре охота

твою мочу уплетать?

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В этой сделке жертва далеко не ты.

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Ой-ой, прокол шины.

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Как прокол шины

вообще возможен в космосе, Рик?

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Очевидно,

от острого предмета в космосе, Морти.

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Офигеть, будто реально

со спущенным колесом едем..

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Не-не, это я так запрограммировал,

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сигнал о сдутом колесе симулирует

полное погружение.

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Могу отключить.

По мне это прикольнее,

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чем сигнал голосами знаменитостей,

но ладно.

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Колесо спустило?

Доставай запасную Чарли Шину.

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Н-да.

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- Можно мне с тобой выйти, Рик?

- Не, я такое в кино видел.

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Двое покидают корабль.

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Одного уносит к чёртовой бабушке.

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Оставайся здесь, в безопасности.

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- Морти, твою ж треть!

- Ну эй!

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Хоть разок мне тут можно позависать?

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Эх, молодёжь, вы думаете, что космос –

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это как вечернее шоу.

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Видите его каждый день

и мечтаете попасть туда,

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а оно мечтает высосать

из вашего тела весь воздух,

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чтобы вы бесконечно кружили там

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в виде быстромумифицированного трупа,

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космос того же самого хочет,

так что полезай в тачку.

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Мне ничто не грозит.

Тут вообще ничего нет!

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Здесь есть буквально всё,

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и в этот раз я слишком занят,

чтобы тебе помочь.

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Ну да, обычно же ты мне всегда помогаешь.

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- Проклятье!

- Что это?

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Космическая змея, очевидно.

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В космосе есть змеи?

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В космосе есть буквально всё, Морти!

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А теперь пиздуй

обратно в машину!

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Рик, я умираю.

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Я вижу чёрную гору.

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На деле умирающие люди

не жужжат об этом без остановки.

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- Правда?

- Без понятия.

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Обычно вокруг меня все умирают быстрее.

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Ладно-ладно.

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Сейчас проанализирую планету этой змеи

и состряпаю противоядие.

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Компьютер, тебе стоит поторопиться.

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Морти начинает походить

на японского призрака из 90-х.

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Срезаю углы.

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О боже мой, ну и бардак у этих змей.

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19 миллиардов змей, разделённых

на 10,000 наций,

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находятся на грани войны из-за...

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расы.

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Разве не угарно?

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Представь, что ты расистская змея.

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"Эй, другая змея,

я тебя ненавижу

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из-за цвета кожи."

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Боже ты мой! Тебе не смешно?

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А, ты умираешь.

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Просто чудо, что они смогли

так далеко зайти

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и не доползти до вымирания.

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О боже, я убил их...

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Как там этого космонавта звали?

Нил Амстердам?

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Нил Адлер, Морти,

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но тут вообще другая история.

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Это самка,

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от чего ещё сильнее душу рвёт.

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Стоп-стоп!

Морти, ты это слышишь?

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Зацени.

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Змеиный джаз.

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Ха, вот болваны!

Погнали.

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Впереди долгий путь,

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а я не хочу глотать сколопендру.

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Рик, погоди!

Давай назад.

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Я не хочу стать причиной, по которой

19 миллиардов змей потеряют надежду.

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Верно, Морти. Только

19 миллиардов змей могут так сделать.

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Этот вид ещё не пережил эту стадию.

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Можно перефразировать

великого Джеффа Фоксворти,

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"если в первый контакт цапаешь за лодыжку,

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твоя цивилизация, скорее всего,

на низком уровне развития."

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Чё как, братва?

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Смотрю, вы в баскет рубитесь.

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Как насчёт дружеского пари?

Спорим, что этот белый умеет прыгать?

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Эй, давай без расизма на площадке, лады?

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А я думал, что такие разговоры –

это часть стритбола.

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Ну а теперь это часть всего остального,

так что остынь.

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Мы... начали не с той ноги.

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Меня зовут Джерри Смит.

Я живу в пригороде.

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И я пришёл сюда,

потому что у меня есть превосходство,

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и я хочу использовать его,

пока оно есть.

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Йо, у нас тут нацист.

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Эй, произошло недопонимание.

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Вот... смотрите.

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На помощь! Помогите!

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Мне нужен этот ботинок!

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Нет, не трогайте ботинок и деньги.

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Они станут мощным

и неоднозначным памятником

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принципиальности нашего района.

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Боже, вот это приключение, да?

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Эй, Морти.

Я вижу, что ты расстроен

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из-за всей этой ситуации со змеёй,

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так что поступим так.

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Я буду избегать тебя до конца дня.

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Включи змеиный джаз.

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А она дружелюбная?

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Это змея.

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Вы-вы не замечали, может,

она смотрит в небо

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и мечтает о чём-то большем?

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Она нет, а те с красными ярлыками – да.

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Все змеи дороже 50 баксов

тоскуют по неизведанному.

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Я-я это видел, отвечаю.

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Ай! Твою мать, Ползуха,

ну ты чего?

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Успокойся!

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Прости меня.

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У каждого дома есть плюмбус.

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Прежде всего берётся дингельбоб.

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Ай! Ебучая гадина!

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- Хлоп-шлёп.

- Как в этом говне вообще можно выиграть?

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Так далеко мы зашли впервые.

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Слушайте, я же вас просила

присмотреть за Джерри?

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- Мы присмотрели.

- Тогда где он?

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Может, любовницу нашёл.

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Но серьёзно, его кто-нибудь видел?

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Деда, ты опять заточил его в картину?

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Я ни хрена не делал.

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Ты-ты сделал его невесомым.

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- Крысёныш.

- Невесомым?

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Я спас его, сделав чуток легче воздуха,

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и эффект закончится через пару часов.

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Закончится, и он грохнется с неба?

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Он не в небе, Бэт.

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Разве что Джерри

не проебётся в ношении обуви.

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- Твою мать, ему кранты.

- Чем ты только думал?

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- Привет, дорогая.

- Джерри, ты сейчас в небе?

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Рик сказал, что сделал тебя невесомым.

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Сделал невесомым? Пффф.

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Ох уж этот Рик и его взгляд на вещи.

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Да, я попросил Рика

сделать меня невесомым,

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чтобы повесить гирлянды.

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Я сейчас в магазине гирлянд.

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Да свали!

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Прости, тут какая-то тётка

меня заклевать пытается.

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Давайте вы мне поможете с выбором,

когда я повешу трубку.

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Мы на корабле Рика.

Скажи, где тебя подобрать?

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- Ты с Риком?

- А как ты думал...

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Джерри, я поставил Бэт на паузу

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устройством, которое мне дал

Чарли Шин после записи.

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По серьёзке, ты сейчас где?

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- Пошёл ты, Рик.

- Брось, Джерри.

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Я же могу распознать чайку по звуку.

00:09:20,610 --> 00:09:23,080

А звук наполняющихся дождём штанов

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распознать можешь?

00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:26,680

Надеюсь, однажды смогу.

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Джерри, короче говоря,

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сейчас Рождество,

и я сделаю тебе одолжение.

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Не дам тебе умереть и не скажу Бэт,

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что ты чуть не убился.

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- А по мне, всё идеально.

- Не понял?

00:09:36,870 --> 00:09:39,210

Если я выживу, то самостоятельно,

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а если сдохну, это будет твой косяк.

00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,090

С Рождеством, сучара.

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В это Рождество Христово я Иисус!

00:10:01,620 --> 00:10:03,460

Конечно, с ним. Мы беспокоимся.

00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,480

- Эээ, Джерри.

- Да, милая.

00:10:06,510 --> 00:10:07,990

Просто скажи, где тебя забрать.

00:10:07,990 --> 00:10:09,390

Бэт, я очень тронут тем,

00:10:09,390 --> 00:10:11,530

что ты заботишься обо мне,

но я в порядке,

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просто хочу подобрать ещё гирлянд

00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,260

и поиметь твой мир!

00:10:15,270 --> 00:10:17,700

Милый, папа же услышит.

00:10:17,730 --> 00:10:18,860

Мне пора.

00:10:18,940 --> 00:10:20,400

До скорого.

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Хорошо.

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Кажется, он в порядке.

00:10:26,510 --> 00:10:29,250

Да, в этот раз я даже буду топить за него.

00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,220

Диетический Спрайт, пожалуйста.

00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:40,760

И тут, часом, нет водителей убера?

00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,490

Сюда с камнями нельзя.

00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:44,230

- Что?

- Я сказала, никаких камней.

00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:45,830

- Тут тебе не озеро.

- Камень брось.

00:10:45,830 --> 00:10:48,230

Вообще-то, это служебный камень.

00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,500

Да, без него я летаю.

00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:51,770

Здоровяк притащил здоровый булыжник,

00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:53,030

думаешь, заборешь меня?

00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,170

Ясное дело, нет.

Вы же просто скала.

00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:56,440

- Так положь его!

- Положь булыжник!

00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,970

Если положу его, то начну летать,

00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:01,180

и вообще, в баре куча

потолочных вентиляторов!

00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,510

- Чё, крутым себя возомнил?

- Брось булыжник!

00:11:02,510 --> 00:11:04,380

Ладно-ладно

00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:05,710

Эй, чё за хуйня...

00:11:05,710 --> 00:11:07,430

Я предупреждал вас!

00:11:07,460 --> 00:11:09,440

- Хорош тут летать!

- Тут так не положено!

00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,930

Думаешь, ты лучше нас?

Пошёл отсюда!

00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:18,590

И подружку свою не забудь!

00:11:23,530 --> 00:11:25,470

Саммер, я потрясена,

00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:27,340

сегодня твой плейлист – просто топчик!

00:11:27,340 --> 00:11:28,940

Клёво да?

Это змеиный джаз.

00:11:28,940 --> 00:11:31,070

Моего братца укусила космическая змея,

которую он

00:11:31,070 --> 00:11:33,670

прибил колесом, дедуле пришлось

сканировать всю их культуру

00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,810

в поисках противоядия, и они нашли это.

00:11:35,810 --> 00:11:36,950

Тащусь!

00:11:36,980 --> 00:11:40,180

Змеиный джаз,

я тебя просто обожаю, отвечаю!

00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:42,010

Разве можно повлиять

на эволюцию целого вида

00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,350

без каких-либо последствий?

00:11:43,350 --> 00:11:44,820

Блин, а можно как-нибудь

00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:47,150

повлиять на твой задротский нудёж?

00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:47,990

Извините.

00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:50,550

А позже мы обсудим твои тряпки и твой вес.

00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:51,510

Справедливо.

00:11:53,830 --> 00:11:55,030

Какого хрена?

00:11:55,030 --> 00:11:56,560

Цель обнаружена.

00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,260

Там змеи!

Вернитесь в машину!

00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,350

Морти, да забудь ты уже о своих...

Змеи!

00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:08,730

Цель обнаружена.

00:12:10,710 --> 00:12:14,140

Пришельцы, я машина из будущего,

меня послали змеи-повстанцы,

00:12:14,140 --> 00:12:15,770

чтобы защитить вас от Змеекорп.

00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:18,670

Не бойтесь сходства, мой образ

смоделирован по вашему подобию.

00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:21,950

Ребёнок-примат должен быть уничтожен,

чтобы сохранить нашу реальность.

00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,720

Морти,

какого хрена ты натворил?

00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,750

Я хотел поступить правильно.

00:12:25,780 --> 00:12:27,380

Я взял живую змею и...

00:12:29,830 --> 00:12:31,430

Спрячьтесь за мной.

Я защищу...

00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,500

Почему они нападают на нас?

Я же помог им.

00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:43,100

Ты показал им, что в космосе есть

нечто побольше

00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:45,110

и пострашнее, это сплотило их, дурачок.

00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:46,640

Они бы вернулись в Средние века

00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,900

на несколько поколений.

00:12:47,910 --> 00:12:49,500

Но вместо этого они решили

00:12:49,510 --> 00:12:50,970

посвятить свои жизни созданию

00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:53,510

непродуманной технологии

по уничтожению вселенной

00:12:53,510 --> 00:12:56,110

по типу машины времени. И всё ради того,

чтобы прибить одного говнюка на земле,

00:12:56,110 --> 00:12:57,710

который не мог оставить

мёртвую змею в покое

00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,590

даже после укуса в ногу.

00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:02,360

В следующий раз оставайся

в сраной тачке!

00:13:02,780 --> 00:13:08,090

21 июля 2026. 17 миллиардов змей

прекратили своё существование.

00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:11,810

Тех, кто выжил, ожидал новый кошмар –

00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,510

война машин и змей.

00:13:16,990 --> 00:13:19,050

В конце змеи одержали верх

00:13:19,050 --> 00:13:20,820

по совершенной случайности.

00:13:21,230 --> 00:13:26,340

Но пришелец, мальчик с дальней звезды,

спас нас.

00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,230

Куда мы, Рик? Что мы здесь делаем?

00:13:43,260 --> 00:13:46,270

Нам нужно в самое сердце Змеинет.

Заткнись-ка и смотри в оба..

00:13:46,610 --> 00:13:48,540

Сопротивление бесполезно.

00:13:48,540 --> 00:13:50,850

Ого, погляди-ка.

Этот-то довольно прикольный на самом деле.

00:13:50,870 --> 00:13:51,740

Иди ко мне, малыш.

00:13:51,950 --> 00:13:53,670

Ах ты, сучий потрох!

00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:55,010

Пошли, Морти.

00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:59,220

Твой выводок должен быть уничтожен.

00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,820

Вам не уничтожить её и её выводок.

00:14:02,010 --> 00:14:04,590

- Должен уничтожить выводок и мать.

- За мной.

00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:06,760

Твой выводок

породит всю жизнь на планете.

00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,960

- Это какой-то бред.

- Бредятина какая-то.

00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,290

Смотри, это же Ползуха!

00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:11,780

Шире шаг, дерьмоклюй!

00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,750

Привет, это автоответчик.

Ваш номер не в моих контактах,

00:14:27,780 --> 00:14:28,980

так что не сотавляйте сообщение.

00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:30,650

Привет, солнце.

00:14:30,650 --> 00:14:33,570

Слушай, Морти сказал мне,

что ты не веришь в то,

00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,870

что я могу развесить гирлянды,

не убив себя.

00:14:36,550 --> 00:14:40,500

Я хочу быть сильным мужчиной,

которого ты заслуживешь,

00:14:41,860 --> 00:14:45,660

но правда в том, что... но правда в том,

что наш дом будет гореть ярче Вегаса!

00:14:49,950 --> 00:14:51,200

Оу, почуял турбулентность?

00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,800

Не, я под кайфом.

00:14:54,430 --> 00:14:55,900

Поделись.

00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:07,020

Полагаю, взяток вы не берёте?

00:15:12,090 --> 00:15:14,000

Кому ещё ноги подарить?

00:15:19,970 --> 00:15:21,510

Да твою налево, издеваетесь!

00:15:21,510 --> 00:15:23,240

Я думал, у них тут машина времени.

00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,430

А она даже на четверть не закончена.

00:15:25,460 --> 00:15:27,100

Придётся изобрести её вместо них.

00:15:27,110 --> 00:15:28,570

Я не знаю змеиную математику.

00:15:28,570 --> 00:15:30,250

Не хотел, но придётся.

00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,550

Сука. Ладно.

00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,840

Чт-что происходит?

Что ты делаешь?

00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:36,960

Напоминаю себе впрячься

за твой проёб ещё сильнее.

00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:38,320

Шалом, опущенцы.

00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,540

- Пошёл ты. От опущенца слышу.

- Что за хрень?

00:15:40,990 --> 00:15:43,250

- Эй, ты... ты как?

- Да иди ты на хуй!

00:15:43,260 --> 00:15:45,790

- Чего? Сам иди.

- Вот.

00:15:45,790 --> 00:15:47,260

Брось. Вам тяжело было, что ли?

00:15:47,260 --> 00:15:48,930

А сам как думаешь?

Идём, Морти.

00:15:48,930 --> 00:15:50,930

Мне интересно, откуда у меня фингал.

00:15:50,930 --> 00:15:53,010

Морти, завали и одевайся.

00:15:56,420 --> 00:16:01,460

ЗМЕИНЫЙ ТЕХНИЧЕСКИЙ УНИВЕРСИТЕТ, 1985.

00:16:02,950 --> 00:16:04,480

Слушай, ну так что мы делаем?

00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,350

Здесь написано всё, что им нужно знать

о временных скачках,

00:16:07,350 --> 00:16:10,080

и эти знания они получат в змеином 85-м.

00:16:10,340 --> 00:16:12,680

Это настолько рано,

что мы будем не при делах,

00:16:12,690 --> 00:16:14,290

а их тупость будет в самом пике.

00:16:14,290 --> 00:16:15,690

А что потом?

00:16:15,690 --> 00:16:17,420

Мы соскочим с этой пиздецки всратой истории

00:16:17,420 --> 00:16:19,290

и дадим межвременным змейкам

00:16:19,290 --> 00:16:20,580

куснуть себя за хвост.

00:16:29,330 --> 00:16:31,000

ЗМЕИНЫЙ ТЕАТР ФОРДА, 1865 год.

00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,700

ЗМЕИНЫЙ БЕРЛИН, 1938 ГОД.

00:17:30,270 --> 00:17:32,400

Самое главное – держаться!

00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,830

Джерри Смит, я тебя спасу.

00:17:34,830 --> 00:17:37,450

Что? Я же сказал Рику,

что помощь мне не нужна!

00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,770

Я не знаком с Риком.

00:17:38,770 --> 00:17:40,970

Меня прислало общество

гибридов людей и змей

00:17:40,970 --> 00:17:42,910

- Типичный Рик!

- из альтернативной версии...

00:17:46,250 --> 00:17:48,310

Получилось!

Мы садимся!

00:17:48,310 --> 00:17:49,650

Я знал, что смогу!

00:17:59,130 --> 00:18:01,860

Господи, Рик,

тут просто настоящий ад!

00:18:01,860 --> 00:18:03,610

Стало только хуже.

00:18:03,870 --> 00:18:05,530

Рик, смотри, Саммер!

00:18:09,210 --> 00:18:12,470

Никто не смеет душить меня

без моего согласия.

00:18:12,470 --> 00:18:14,380

Рик, ты сделал только хуже.

00:18:14,410 --> 00:18:15,340

Поверь мне, Морти.

00:18:15,370 --> 00:18:17,010

Мы помогли им нажать педаль газа.

00:18:17,010 --> 00:18:19,110

Осталось дождаться,

когда их тормознёт коп.

00:18:20,150 --> 00:18:22,860

ШТАБ МЕЖПРОСТРАНСТВЕННЫХ КОПОВ ВРЕМЕНИ.

00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:25,270

Шлимипортки у аппарата.

00:18:25,550 --> 00:18:28,420

Змеи? Путешествия во времени?

Чё они сделали?

00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:31,620

Каким хером...

Ладно-ладно, я этим займусь.

00:18:31,930 --> 00:18:35,180

Код 10-51 на сраной змеиной планете.

00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:37,360

Не смотри на меня.

Я боюсь змей.

00:18:37,390 --> 00:18:39,140

"Я боюсь змей", пиздёж!

00:18:39,170 --> 00:18:41,090

Ты боишься работы.

Вот, чё ты боишься.

00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:42,030

Ладно-ладно.

00:18:42,430 --> 00:18:43,710

Давай разберёмся с этим.

00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:50,570

Ты только посмотри!

00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:52,240

Умная змеюка, да?

00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:53,910

Пользуешься орудиями труда?

00:18:53,910 --> 00:18:55,250

Этими орудиями ты накосячишь

00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:57,180

с материями пространства.

00:18:57,180 --> 00:18:58,980

- Иди сюда, пидорасина!

- Ты чё удумал?

00:18:58,990 --> 00:19:01,680

- Не шути со временем!

- Не шути, сука, со временем!

00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,120

- Твою мать!

- Что случилось?

00:19:07,130 --> 00:19:09,060

Уж лучше так, чем нападать на нас.

00:19:09,090 --> 00:19:12,530

В истории про путешествия во времени

просто невозможно накосячить сильнее.

00:19:12,730 --> 00:19:14,990

Считаю, что это

одно из твоих приключений.

00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:16,200

- Да ладно тебе!

- Никакой халявы.

00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,510

Блин, я хотел сгонять в Мир Сисек.

00:19:18,540 --> 00:19:20,540

Уже не сгоняем, потому что ты обосрался.

00:19:20,540 --> 00:19:21,850

Теперь обтекай.

00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,030

Саммер, хочешь сгонять в Мир Сисек?

00:19:24,090 --> 00:19:25,340

Не сегодня.

00:19:26,630 --> 00:19:27,670

Отстой.

00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,990

Эй, милая, смотри.

00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,220

Джерри,

я беспокоилась за тебя.

00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:35,290

Эй, да я просто тут убивал змей,

как и все остальные,

00:19:35,290 --> 00:19:37,640

а заодно повесил гирлянду.

00:19:37,670 --> 00:19:41,230

Ты был там всё это время? Я кричала

о помощи, а ты оставался на крыше?

00:19:41,230 --> 00:19:43,560

Я не слышал тебя из-за своих криков.

00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:44,630

Мы уже говорили об этом.

00:19:44,630 --> 00:19:46,700

Ну, я рада, что ты цел.

00:19:46,970 --> 00:19:49,570

Прикинь! Конечно я цел.

00:19:49,570 --> 00:19:51,040

Кстати, козёл,

00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,240

я справился без тебя!

00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,510

О боже мой, как больно!

00:19:57,060 --> 00:19:57,780

Что это было?

00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,500

Я вылечил твою ногу на 50%.

00:19:59,650 --> 00:20:01,440

А дальше ты сам, крепыш.

00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:04,230

Вот это другое дело.

Уважуха, братуха.

00:20:04,580 --> 00:20:06,650

Боже, какое же твой отец чмо.

Ладно, Морти.

00:20:06,650 --> 00:20:08,550

Давай отведаем гоголь-моголь.

00:20:08,580 --> 00:20:09,720

Погнали.

00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,260

Не так быстро, ребята.

00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:12,990

Да, вы, кажется, кое-что забыли.

00:20:12,990 --> 00:20:15,100

С Рождеством, пидормоты.

За работу.

00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:16,580

Боже, обязательно так язвить?

00:20:16,610 --> 00:20:18,160

- Это лишнее.

- Что за фигня?

00:20:18,190 --> 00:20:19,000

Лажа полная.

00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,000

Да, всегда классно, пока не припрягут,

да, говномоголь?

00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,400

Да, удачно вам пошить змеиные костюмы,

00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:25,270

- мрази ползучие.

- Да, так их, Морти.

00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:27,140

Блин, не обязательно же

вести себя по-ублюдски?

00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,370

То же касается и ребят перед нами,

но они вели себя именно так!

00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,940

С Рождеством, говно!

00:20:30,940 --> 00:20:33,880

Вот вам призрак

Рождества грядущего, сучары.

00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,670

- Такие злые.

- Очень злые.

00:21:07,890 --> 00:21:09,780

Блин, я просто хочу открыть подарки.

00:21:09,780 --> 00:21:12,050

Я жду, когда ты закончишь эти костюмы.

00:21:12,050 --> 00:21:13,680

Я почти закончил.

А знаешь, что?

00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:15,590

Так сойдёт! Всё!

00:21:15,590 --> 00:21:16,550

Ладно.

Погнали.

00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:20,320

Вот мы приземлились. Пойдём.

00:21:20,330 --> 00:21:22,440

Даже не верится,

что мы почти закончили, Рик.

00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:24,520

Я прям чувствую вкус гоголь-моголя.

00:21:24,890 --> 00:21:25,800

Знаешь, что?

00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,800

Мне кажется, что мы что-то забыли.

00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,700

Ах да, спасибо, что напомнил.

00:21:29,940 --> 00:21:31,940

Морти, в следующий раз сиди в машине.

00:00:03,420 --> 00:00:04,754

This adventure is gonna be

a long haul,

00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:06,464

and I don't feel like

emptying the jug.

00:00:06,590 --> 00:00:08,841

Jerry, will you please just let

me automate this fucking task?

00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:10,384

I didn't ask

for anyone's help.

00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,011

You two

are welcome to leave.

00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:13,429

Mom told me she wanted me

to stay here

00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:15,056

to make sure

you didn't die.

00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:17,225

Well, you tell your mother

that I'm gonna be fine.

00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,060

Don't train your child

to lie, Jerry,

00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,853

even though, you know,

'tis the season.

00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:22,063

Then I'll tell her.

00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:23,856

Whoa!

00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,566

I told you,

no more rays.

00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:27,151

What ray

did you zap me with?

00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:30,196

I made your atomic matrix

slightly lighter than air,

00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:32,406

and now your shoes

are heavier than air,

00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,116

which makes you

neutrally buoyant,

00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:37,036

which I find personally

more impressive conceptually

00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,955

than walking on water,

but what do I know?

00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:41,165

I wasn't born into

the god business.

00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:42,458

I fucking earned it.

00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,835

Whoa! [ Laughs ]

00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:47,088

Just to be clear,

this doesn't mean you helped me.

00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,422

It wears off in 10 hours,

00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,424

and the next hit

will cost you 30 bucks.

00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,135

Like I'll even be using it

in 10 hours.

00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:55,096

[ Whispers ] Siri, set a 9-hour

and 50-minute timer.

00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,639

SIRI: Playing The Beatles.

00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,058

-I need to pee.

-Nope.

00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:00,518

Here, I've got a centipede

you can swallow

00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:01,686

that makes you

not have to go.

00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:03,354

I ain't swallowing

no centipede.

00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,314

What, you think the centipede

wants to eat your pee?

00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,149

You're not the victim

in this transaction.

00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,985

-[ Thump ]

-Uh-oh, flat tire.

00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:10,987

How the hell do you get

a flat tire in space, Rick?

00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:13,322

Obviously from a sharp thing

in space, Morty.

00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:14,574

It's just crazy

how much it feels

00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,117

like getting

a regular flat.

00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:18,035

Oh, no, no, that's just

my custom-programmed,

00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:21,289

fully immersive flat-tire

indication experience.

00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,999

I can turn it off.

I thought it was cooler

00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:25,293

than the celebrity voice

package, but here.

00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:28,796

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Flat tire --

you should be...walkin'.

00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,172

-Oof.

-Yeah.

00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:31,591

MORTY: Can I come out

with you, Rick?

00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:32,633

RICK:

No, I've seen this movie.

00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,385

Two guys leave

th[burps]e ship.

00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:35,761

One guy

goes spinning away.

00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:37,430

You're staying in here

where it's safe.

00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:39,515

[ Gasps ]

00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:40,725

[ Pants ]

00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:43,686

-Morty, goddamn it.

-Come on.

00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,354

I n-- I never

get to be out here.

00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,148

Ugh, you young people

think space is like

00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,608

"Saturday Night Live."

00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:51,152

You see it every day,

so you dream of being in it,

00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,446

but it dreams of removing

all the air from your body

00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:55,156

and making you float

around it for eternity

00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,824

as a flash-mummified corpse,

00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,994

which is also what space wants,

so get back in the car.

00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,954

I'm not in danger.

There's nothing out here.

00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,581

Literally everything

is out here,

00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:06,000

and unlike everywhere else,

I'm too busy to help you.

00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,294

Right, because you're

always so helpful.

00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:10,004

Ah!

00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,841

-God damn it.

-What is that?

00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,843

Obviously,

it's a space snake.

00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,386

T-There's snakes

in space?

00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,680

There's literally everything

in space, Morty!

00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,807

Now get the fuck

back in the car.

00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,935

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

00:02:53,799 --> 00:02:55,758

MORTY: I'm dying, Rick.

00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,968

[ Groans ]

I can see the black mountain.

00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:00,221

People who are really dying

don't keep bring it up.

00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:01,764

-Is that true?

-I don't know.

00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:03,974

I'm just usually around people

that die faster.

00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,268

-[ Groans ]

-All right. All right.

00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,770

J-Just let me analyze

the snake's planet,

00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:09,438

so I can whip up

an antivenom.

00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,357

Computer, you might want

to put a rush on this.

00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:13,943

Morty's starting to look

like a '90s Japanese ghost.

00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,778

COMPUTER: Cutting corners.

00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,280

Oof, oh, my God,

these snakes are a mess.

00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:20,908

19 billion snakes divided

into 10,000 nations

00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,160

all on the brink

of global war over...

00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:25,079

[Laughs] race.

00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,205

How funny is that?

00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,165

Imagine being

a racist snake.

00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,458

"Hey, other snake,

I hate you

00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,794

because you're

the wrong color, snake."

00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,130

Oh, my God.

You're not laughing?

00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,715

Oh, you're dying.

00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,134

It's a miracle they were able

to fling one this far out

00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,969

before they slithered

into extinction.

00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:42,638

Oh, oh, God,

I killed their --

00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,640

What's his name,

their Buzz Aspirin?

00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,058

It's actually

Buzz Advil, Morty,

00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:47,435

and, uh, this is

totally different.

00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,769

It's a female snake.

00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,312

There's an extra layer

of heartbreak.

00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:52,148

Wait. Wait.

Morty, Morty, you hear that?

00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:53,649

-Listen.

-[ Rhythmic hissing ]

00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,401

Snake jazz.

00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,737

Ha. Idiots.

Let's get moving.

00:03:57,863 --> 00:03:59,071

We've got a long way to go,

00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,239

and I'm not sharing

that centipede.

00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:01,949

Rick, wait.

Go back.

00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,410

I-I can't be the reason why

19 billion snakes lost all hope.

00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:05,661

That's right, Morty.

00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,329

Only 19 billion snakes

can do that.

00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,582

That species was never

getting beyond this stage.

00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,751

To paraphrase

the great Jeff Foxworthy,

00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:14,044

if you bite your first contact

on its ankle,

00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:16,714

you might be

a type-zero-civilization-neck."

00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,176

What up, homeys?

00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,178

Shooting hoops, I see.

00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:23,637

Hey, who's interested

in a friendly bet

00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,514

that this white guy

can jump.

00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,808

Hey, leave the racial stuff

off the court, okay?

00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,852

Oh, I thought that kind of

talk was part of street ball.

00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:32,646

Well, now it's part

of everything else, so chill.

00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,023

We -- We got off

on the wrong foot.

00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:36,066

My name is Jerry Smith.

I live in the suburbs.

00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,027

I'm only here because

I have a certain power

00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,112

I wanted to kind of celebrate

before it goes away.

00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,697

Yo, we got a Nazi

up here.

00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:44,074

Hey, I think there's

a misunderstanding.

00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:45,826

Here, just -- just watch.

00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,036

Huh?

00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,204

Help! Help!

00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,164

I-I need that shoe!

00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:53,667

No, no, don't touch that shoe

or that money.

00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,836

Let them be a powerful

but confusing monument

00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,296

to our

neighborhood's integrity.

00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:00,591

Oh, boy, what an adventure,

huh?

00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,551

Hey, Morty, listen.

I can tell you're pretty upset

00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,011

about the whole

snake encounter thing,

00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,304

so I'll tell you what.

00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,514

I'm just gonna go ahead

and avoid you

00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,515

for the rest of the day.

00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,933

[ Cans clatter ]

00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,269

Play snake jazz.

00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:14,772

[ Rhythmic hissing ]

00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:20,778

♪♪

00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:26,742

♪♪

00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,160

MORTY:

I-Is this one friendly?

00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:29,662

It's a snake.

00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,413

You ever -- You ever see

this one look up at the sky

00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:33,707

like it's dreaming

of something more?

00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,961

No, but, uh, all those ones

marked with red sticker, yeah.

00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,921

Any snake over 50 bucks

yearns for the beyond.

00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,422

I-I-I've seen them do it.

00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:44,051

[ Hissing ]

00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,887

Ow! Damn it, Slippy,

come on.

00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,889

Ow!

Just please.

00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,141

[ Crying ] I'm sorry.

00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:55,062

MAN ON TV: Everyone has

a plumbus in their home.

00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,815

First, they take the dinglepop.

00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:04,446

Ow!

Fucking monster.

00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:11,453

[ Radar beeping ]

00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:12,955

[ Hissing ]

00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,298

[ Hissing ]

00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:24,842

[ Hissing ]

00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,427

[ Hissing ]

00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:27,970

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,476

[ Hissing ]

00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,192

[ Monitors beeping ]

00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,448

[ Hissing ]

00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:52,286

[ Hissing ]

00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,476

[ Hissing ]

00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,270

[ Hisses ]

00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:27,196

[ Hissing ]

00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,065

Downbeat.

00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,483

How do you win

this fucking game?

00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,110

We-We've never

gotten that far.

00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,320

Guys, did I not tell you

to keep your eye on Jerry?

00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:09,863

-We did.

-Then where is he?

00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,156

Maybe he's having

an affair.

00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:14,284

[ Laughter ]

00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,120

But for real,

has anyone seen him?

00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,705

Grandpa, did you trap him

in a painting again?

00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:18,789

I didn't do shit.

00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,582

Well,

y-y-you made him floaty.

00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,459

-Asshole.

-Made him floaty?

00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:25,379

I saved his life by making his

body slightly lighter than air,

00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,006

and it expires

in a couple of hours.

00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,383

Expires, like he'll fall

out of the sky?

00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,051

He won't by in the sky,

Beth,

00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:34,888

unless it's possible for Jerry

to fuck up wearing shoes.

00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,724

-Oh, crap, he's gonna die.

-What were you thinking?

00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:40,853

[ Shivering ]

00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:45,315

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:46,650

Hey, babe.

00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,652

Jerry,

are you in the air?

00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:50,279

Rick told me

he made you floaty.

00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,197

Made me floaty?

Pfft.

00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:54,658

Got to love

Rick's world view.

00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,577

Yes, I had Rick

make me floaty

00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:57,911

so I could

put up some lights.

00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,455

Now, I'm at

the light store.

00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,123

-[ Squawking ]

-Get away!

00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:04,793

Sorry, this lady at the store

is trying to peck me.

00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,795

JERRY: Yes, you can help me

find lights

00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,297

after I'm off the phone.

00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,382

We're in Rick's ship.

How about we just pick you up?

00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:11,842

-JERRY: You're with Rick?

-Well, why wouldn't I --

00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,469

Jerry, I paused Beth

with a device

00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:15,929

Christopher Walken gave me

after a record session.

00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,347

Real talk, buddy,

where you at?

00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,016

-Go to hell, Rick.

-RICK: Come on, Jerry.

00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,726

I can recognize

the sound of a seagull.

00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:23,020

Can you recognize the sound

of a man's pants

00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,772

filling up with rain?

00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,857

I hope to one day.

00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,567

Jerry,

I'll tell you what.

00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,652

Because it's Christmas,

I'm gonna do you a favor.

00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,696

I won't let you die,

and I won't tell Beth

00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,198

that you almost

killed yourself.

00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,784

-Sounds like a win-win to me.

-RICK: Come again?

00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,286

If I survive,

it'll be without you,

00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,413

and if I die,

it'll be on your ass.

00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,540

Merry Christmas, bitch.

00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:47,669

I am the Jesus Christ

of Christmas!

00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:59,890

[ Screaming ]

00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,101

-[ Cellphone vibrates ]

-...I be with him?

00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:04,269

We both care.

00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,105

-Whoa. Jerry.

-JERRY: Yes, honey?

00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:07,815

Let us

just come get you.

00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,441

JERRY: Beth, I am so touched

00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,527

that you care for me this much,

but I'm fine,

00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,320

and I just want to put up these

Christmas lights,

00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,114

and [Distorted]

I will eat your world.

00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,574

BETH: Honey,

my dad can hear you.

00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:18,784

[ Normal voice ]

Got to go.

00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,202

[ Distorted ] See you soon.

00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,787

BETH: Okay.

00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,790

[ Screams ]

00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:26,458

Well, it sounds like

he's fine.

00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,169

Yeah, I'm almost kind of

rooting for him this time.

00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:34,341

[ Rock music plays ]

00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,218

[ All gasp ]

00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,220

One Diet Sprite Remix,

please,

00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,806

and, uh, is anyone here

an Uber driver?

00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,391

You can't bring

that boulder in here.

00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:44,101

-What?

-I said no boulders.

00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:45,853

-This ain't the lake, buddy.

-Drop the rock.

00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,105

Well, it's kind of a --

a service boulder.

00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:49,523

Yeah,

I float without it.

00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,692

Big man

holding a big rock,

00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:52,985

think you can

take me down?

00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:55,195

No, obviously not.

You're huge.

00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:56,488

-Then put it down.

-Put the boulder down!

00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,115

If I put it down,

I'm going to float.

00:10:58,241 --> 00:10:59,700

-Drop it!

-Put it down!

00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,535

And frankly, your bar

has a lot of ceiling fans.

00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,578

Drop the rock.

00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,329

-Put it down.

-Okay, okay, okay.

00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:05,789

Hey, whoa,

what the fuck?!

00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:07,124

-Stop doing that.

-I told you this would happen.

00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,792

Well, stop floating.

00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,085

-Who said you could float here?

-I can't control it.

00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,754

[ Indistinct shouting ]

00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:16,383

Aaaaaaaaaah!

00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,468

And take your girlfriend

with you.

00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,345

[ Grunts ]

00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:23,557

[ Snake jazz playing ]

00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,517

Summer,

how supes shook am I

00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,311

about your playlisting

fleekness tonight?

00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:29,062

You love it?

It's snake jazz.

00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,023

My little brother got bit

by a snake in outer space

00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:32,399

and killed it

with a hubcap,

00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,775

and my grandpa had to scan

its planet's culture

00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,611

for an antivenom,

and they found this.

00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,070

It's my jam.

00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,199

Seriously, my new thing now

is snake jazz.

00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,950

Can you alter the course

of a species' evolution

00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,327

like that

without repercussions?

00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:44,870

Gee, I don't know,

Nancy.

00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:47,080

Can you alter the course

of being a giant fucking nerd?

00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,957

Sorry.

00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,459

Also, later, we need to discuss

your clothing and your weight.

00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:51,543

That's fair.

00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,754

[ Moans ]

00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,005

What the hell?

00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,340

[ Robotically ]

Target acquired.

00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:57,966

[ Gunshot ]

00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:01,053

[ Gun clicks ]

00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:03,889

[ Gunshot ]

00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,390

Snakes!

Get back in the car!

00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,226

Morty, enough with the --

Snakes!

00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,061

[ Robotically ]

Target acquired.

00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,399

Aliens, I am a robot sent back

in time by the Snake Resistance

00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,235

to protect you

from Serpacorp.

00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:18,779

My appearance is designed to be

familiar and to put you at ease.

00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:22,407

The ape child must be eliminated

to protect our timeline.

00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:23,742

Morty,

what the hell did you do?

00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,452

I was just trying to do

the right thing.

00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,079

I took a living snake --

00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,539

[ Groans ]

00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,041

Get behind me.

I will protect --

00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,293

Aaah!

00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:38,465

♪♪

00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,217

Why -- Why are they

attacking us?

00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,760

I-I-I helped them.

00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,262

You gave them proof that

there was something bigger

00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,347

and scarier to unite against,

you little idiot.

00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,848

They would have gone back

into the Dark Ages

00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,141

for a couple of generations,

00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,768

but instead,

they dedicated themselves

00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,311

into making

universe-destroying,

00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,772

un-thought-out technology

like time travel

00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,275

all so they could try to kill

a little shit sack on Earth

00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:57,776

who couldn't let

a dead snake be dead

00:12:57,902 --> 00:13:00,153

even after

it bit his ankle.

00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,489

Next time,

stay in the fucking car.

00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:08,036

NARRATOR: 17 billion snake lives

ended on June 21, 2026.

00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:12,332

The survivors lived only to

face a new nightmare,

00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:16,378

the war between

snake and machine.

00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:19,089

In the end,

snake overcame machine

00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,258

because of what

we couldn't predict --

00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:26,513

that an alien, a child from

a distant star, would save us.

00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,363

W-Where are we going?

W-What are we doing here, Rick?

00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:44,573

RICK: We got to get the heart

of Snake Net.

00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,783

Now, shut up,

and stay close.

00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,618

[ Robotically ]

Resistance is mouselike.

00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:50,954

Whoa, hey, look.

That one's actually really cool.

00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:51,997

Come here, little guy.

00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:53,832

Ah, you little son of a bitch.

00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:56,126

Come on, Morty.

00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,296

[ Robotically ] Your brood

must be exterminated.

00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:02,049

You will not kill her

or her brood.

00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,718

-Must kill brood and mother.

-Get behind me.

00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,887

Your brood will seed all life

on this planet.

00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,014

-That doesn't make sense.

-That didn't make sense.

00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,349

Hey, it's --

it's Slippy!

00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,267

Keep up, shit bag.

00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,946

[ Sighs ]

00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:26,531

BETH: Hi, you went directly

to voicemail

00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:27,908

because your number

is not in my phone.

00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,159

Don't leave a message.

00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,702

Hi, honey.

00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,705

Uh, look. Morty told me

that you didn't think

00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,874

I could hang lights

without killing myself.

00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:42,089

Look, I want to be a strong man

for you, but the truth is --

00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,717

The truth is, I'm coming home

with the best lights ever.

00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:50,138

Oof.

00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:51,306

Whoa,

feel that turbulence?

00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,516

Nope, I'm on molly.

00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:54,226

[ Both laugh ]

00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:55,602

Give me some.

Ahh.

00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,607

SIRI: 10 hours has expired.

00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,777

Aaaah!

00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,947

I don't suppose you guys

will take a bribe?

00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:07,948

[ Hisses ]

00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,116

Ah!

00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,287

Anyone else want legs?

00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,378

God damn it.

Are you kidding me?

00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:23,213

I thought there'd be

a time machine in here.

00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,215

They're not even a quarter

of the way through making it.

00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,134

I'm gonna have to invent it

for them.

00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,552

I-I don't know snake math.

00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,095

Ugh, I didn't want to have

to do this.

00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,139

Fuck.

All right.

00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,890

W-What's going on?

What are you doing?

00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:37,018

I'm reminding myself to commit

even more to your fuck-up.

00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:38,270

Hey, assholes.

00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,646

Fuck you.

Takes one to know one.

00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,106

What the heck?

00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,358

-Hey, man, you -- you okay?

-You know what? Fuck you.

00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,944

-What? Screw you.

-Here.

00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,237

Come on.

Was it really that hard?

00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,156

What do you think?

Come on, Morty.

00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,158

Man, I-I-I wonder why

I had a black eye.

00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,368

Morty, shut the fuck up

and put these on.

00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:59,416

[ Mid-tempo funk music plays ]

00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,504

Okay,

so w-what are we doing?

00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:05,839

That book has everything

they need

00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,424

to create

snake time travel,

00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:10,385

a-and they're getting it

in 1985, snake time.

00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,762

Now, they're gonna do it so

early that it won't involve us,

00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,264

and they're gonna be

even stupider with it.

00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:15,765

Huh,

a-and then what?

00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,476

We're removing ourselves

from this sloppy,

00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,394

fucked-up story

and letting snake time travel

00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,021

eat its own tail.

00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,819

[ Hissing ]

00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,321

[ All hissing ]

00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,852

[ Hissing ]

00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,634

Just have to keep my grip.

00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,011

Jerry Smith, I am here

to save you.

00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,222

What? I already told Rick

I don't want help.

00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,848

I do not know Rick.

00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:41,226

I was sent by a society

of human-snake hybrids...

00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:43,311

-Classic Rick.

-...from an alternate version --

00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,316

I did it!

We're landing!

00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:49,651

I knew I could do it.

00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:51,444

[ Laughs hysterically ]

00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,913

Jesus Christ, Rick,

it's pandemonium out there!

00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:04,040

T-This is worse

than when we left.

00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:05,750

Rick, look, Summer!

00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:12,549

Nobody chokes me

without consent.

00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:14,342

Y-You just made things worse,

Rick.

00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:15,635

Trust me, Morty.

00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,262

We helped them press

on the gas pedal.

00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,514

We just got to wait for them

to blow by a cop.

00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,685

[ Telephone rings ]

00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,478

Shleemypants here,

what's up?

00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,523

Snakes? Time travel?

They did what?

00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:31,776

How the fuck did --

Okay, okay, I'm on it.

00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:35,113

We got a 10-51

on a goddamn snake planet.

00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,282

Don't look at me.

I'm afraid of snakes.

00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:39,075

"I'm afraid of snakes,"

bullshit.

00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:40,910

You afraid of work.

That's what you afraid of.

00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,287

All right.

All right.

00:18:42,413 --> 00:18:43,997

[ Sighs ] Let's go

take care of this.

00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:49,169

[ Hisses ]

00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:50,629

Oh, look at you.

00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,172

You a smart snake,

huh?

00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:53,965

You using tools now,

huh?

00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,300

Those tools are gonna

turn into you

00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:57,010

manipulating the fabric

of shit.

00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,053

Get over here, motherfucker.

00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,137

What the fuck you think

you doing?

00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:02,724

-Don't fuck with time.

-You don't fuck with time.

00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,851

[ Snakes hissing ]

00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,354

-Holy shit.

-What happened?

00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,064

Look, this is better

than them attacking us.

00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:10,607

Also, that's about

as much curvature

00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:12,651

as you're gonna get

from a time-travel story.

00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,986

You know what? This one counts

as one of your adventures.

00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,404

-Hey, come on.

-No freebies.

00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,406

Aw, man, I-I wanted

to go to Boob World.

00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,492

Well, now, we can't

because you fucked up.

00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,369

Got to learn a lesson.

00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,995

You want to go to Boob World,

Summer?

00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:25,372

Eh, not today.

00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:29,125

[ Sighs ]

This sucks.

00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:31,169

[ Panting ]

Hey, honey, check it out.

00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:33,296

Jerry,

I was worried about you.

00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:35,590

Oh, just killing some snakes

up here like everyone else,

00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,467

I guess, and finishing

the Christmas lights.

00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:39,010

Wait, the whole time?

00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,304

I was screaming for help,

and you stayed on the roof?

00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,515

I couldn't hear you

over my own screaming.

00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:44,683

We've talked about this.

00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:47,018

Well,

I'm just glad you're safe.

00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:49,521

Well, duh,

of course, I'm safe.

00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:50,939

Hey, guess what,

asshole.

00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:52,190

I did it without you.

00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:53,692

Whoa! Ah!

00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:56,611

Oh, God, it hurts.

00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:57,779

What was that?

00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,406

I healed your leg 50%.

00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,574

The rest is on you,

big man.

00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,536

That's what I'm talking about.

Respect, my brother.

00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,705

Geez, your dad sucks.

All right, Morty.

00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,623

Let's go enjoy

a little bit of eggnog, huh?

00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:09,749

All right.

00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,334

Not so fast, boys.

00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,044

Yeah, I think you might be

forgetting something.

00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:15,046

Merry Christmas, fuck nuts.

Get to work.

00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,548

Geez, I don't see why you have

to be smug about it.

00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:17,966

-A bunch of bullshit.

-That's not necessary.

00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:19,467

This fucking sucks.

00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:21,052

Yeah, it's fun until it's you,

huh, shit nog?

00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,388

Yeah, have fun sewing those

snake costumes together,

00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:25,265

-you little tramp.

-You tell them, Morty.

00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,142

Geez, you guys don't have

to be dicks about it, all right?

00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:29,394

Yeah, neither did the guys

before us, but you know what?

00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,146

They were.

Merry Christmas, you shit bags.

00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,857

Yeah, ghost of Christmas future,

bitches, you fucking idiots.

00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:36,526

-So mean.

-Those guys are mean.

00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:39,654

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,934

Man, I just want to open

my Christmas presents.

00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:12,228

Well, I'm waiting on you

to finish those snake costumes.

00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,105

I'm almost done.

You know what?

00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:15,565

T-They're good enough.

I'm done.

00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:17,275

All right.

Let's go.

00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,528

All right. We're landing.

Come on.

00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:22,655

Man, I can't believe

we're almost done, Rick.

00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,449

I can practically taste

the eggnog.

00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:25,950

Hey, you know what?

00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:27,952

I -- I feel like

we're forgetting something.

00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:29,913

Oh, yeah, uh, thanks

for reminding me.

00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:31,915

Morty, next time,

stay in the car.

00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:33,458

[ Camera shutter clicks ]