Рикчжурский мортидат

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Давай, футбол! Давай! Давай!

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Ну, давайте! Играйте в футбол!

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Значит, ты майнишь, чтобы крафтить,

и крафтишь, чтобы майнить?

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Ага.

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Твой отец придумал эту игру?

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Вредина.

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Господа, друг из Вашингтона нуждается

в вашей помощи.

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Как засекречено.

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Если они могут телепортироваться,

почему мы не...

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Я лишь работаю здесь, Стив, как и ты.

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Хорошо. Хорошо, хорошо.

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Господин президент.

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Как раз вовремя, господа.

Рик, тебе обязательно здесь пить?

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Да.

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Вот какое приключение: какая-то

инопланетная фиговина

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завелась в секс-тоннелях Кеннеди.

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Вы должны найти и избавиться от неё.

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Секс-тоннели Кеннеди?

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Естественно, вы забудете, что видели их,

а также, в связи с государственным смущением,

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кокаиновый лаунж Трумана, свалку шлюх МакКинли

и рабский колизей Линкольна.

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Он не всех освободил.

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Дайте знать, когда закончите.

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Может, тогда сделаем селфи?

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Слишком занят, Морти. А теперь расскажите

об этом саммите. Он по поводу мира или обычный?

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Вот отстой.

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Боже, и не говори.

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Блин, ну раз тебе это не нравится...

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Ты о чём? С чего мне это должно

нравится? Это же отстой.

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Ты любишь всякий отстой, Морти.

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Я думал, что для молодых тупиц это честь

работать на президента и насрать, что надо делать.

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Может, первые пару раз,

но это просто отстой.

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Он обращается с нами,

как с охотниками за привидениями.

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Надо поговорить с ним.

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Ага, это должно быть весело.

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Давай установим границы с избалованным

любителем командовать,

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который думает, что правит миром, и отдаёт приказы на атаку

дронами, чтобы справиться со своей неуверенностью.

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Либо так, либо нас ждёт это.

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Третий вариант. Майнкрафт.

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Теперь он тебе нравится?

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Не буду врать, Морти, он меня затягивает.

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Доложи президенту.

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Что ему сказать?

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Скажи правду.

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Скажи ему, что Рик и Морти продинамили

Америку.

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Авторы перевода

Женя Спицын и Сарыч

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С помощью дерева можно сделать сундук.

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Класс. Тогда я смогу сложить в него

всё это дерево для будущего создания сундуков.

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Ты не получишь удовольствия, если будешь

всё анализировать.

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И вот этим они предпочитают заниматься?

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Всё указано в стенограмме.

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Обращается с нами, как с охотниками

за привидениями.

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То есть, теперь охотники за привидениями

не круты?

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Не помню, чтобы подписывал

такой законопроект.

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Любитель командовать. Отдаёт приказы на атаку

дронами, чтобы справиться с...

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...неуверенностью.

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Отправить к ним дронов?

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Так мы докажем

их правоту!

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И взорвём.

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Дайте мне телефон.

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Эта игра популярна среди

аутистов?

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Зачем ты об этом спрашиваешь?

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Потому что она начинает мне нравиться.

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Отказ от принятия вызова -

тяжкое преступление.

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Веди себя спокойно. Он думает,

что мы ещё в тоннелях.

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Когда мы сообщим, что видим их?

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Пока что мы имеем все карты на руках.

Мы не покажем ни одной, пока не придёт время.

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Круто.

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Алло?

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Привет, ребята, звонит

президент США, как дела?

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Привет. Мы усердно работаем над этой

фиговиной в секс-тоннеле.

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Наверное, это наш новый заклятый враг.

Так что это займёт время.

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Сколько думаешь, Морти, месяц?

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Будет надеяться, что месяц, да.

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Вы - два лживых хера! Я вижу по спутнику,

что вы просиживаете жопы и играете в Майнкрафт.

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Всё верно. Что скажете в своё оправдание?

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Да, в этом нет ничего хорошего,

господин президент.

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Разве можно увидеть что-то хорошее

через незаконный космический спутник?

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Не тыкайте мне высокой моралью. Вы нарушаете

тысячи федеральных законов в день.

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Правда?

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Довольно круто.

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И да, да, да, да. Порой вы спасаете мир,

и Америка платит взаимностью,

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не возглагая на вас ответственность

за эти законы.

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О, боже, мы и не знали, что

у вас такое мнение на этот счёт.

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Ну, в этом никто не виноват.

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Нам никогда не удавалось пообщаться,

так сказать.

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Просто мы считаем, что когда мы появляемся,

то это мы оказываем услугу Вам.

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Особенно, ну знаете...

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когда оказывается, что вам нужна помощь с чудовищем

из "Секретных Материалов", которое вы нашли в подвале.

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А что касается причины, по которой Вы

никогда нас не арестовывали...

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мы думаем, что вы знали, что это невозможно,

если бы Вы попытались.

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Ну, знаете, всё бы плохо закончилось.

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Плохо закончилось?

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Можете пояснить?

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По-моему, один из тысяч ваших законов

говорит, что нет, не могу пояснить.

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Просто поверьте. Никто из нас

не хотел бы это проверять.

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И никогда не придётся.

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Кстати, мы будем и дальше спасать Землю.

Мы только рады.

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Да, но не потому что на ней есть Америка, а потому что

перемещаться в новую версию Земли - та ещё срань.

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Но Вы можете звонить нам,

ну, типа, как друзьям.

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Да, если захотите сделать селфи...

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В общем, мы всё уладили?

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Да. Спасибо, господа.

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Я ж говорил, чувак.

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Я впечатлён, Морти. Всё прошло

очень гладко.

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Все возьмите себя в руки.

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Сэр, какой у нас новый план действий

по Рику и Морти?

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Он состоит в том, что они никогда не были

и не будут нам нужны.

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Сегодня мы празднуем нашу независимость

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от Рика и Морти.

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Все на выход.

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♪ Как мне позабыть твою любовь? ♪

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Всю весну в центре одежды распродажа

одежды! Приходите в отдел одежды.

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Я примерила всё это шутки ради.

Я знаю, что нельзя это купить.

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Ой, да ладно, ты отлично

выглядишь. Лови момент, пока молодая.

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Но пообещай, что если результат будет

слишком хорош, то ты воспользуешься защитой.

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Правда? Спасибо!

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Когда ты успела стать крутой?

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Не знаю. Может, я свыклась с разводом и...

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...теперь всё новое.

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Мне ли не знать. Раньше я не могла

и часа с тобой вынести.

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Без обид. Мне нравится. Всё здорово.

Ты прямо другой человек.

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Да.

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Другой человек.

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Бразилия

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Только не вы.

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Бежим! Бежим!

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Как тебе такое, Морти?

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Ого, как в Майнкрафте.

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Уу, только что на Амазонке обнаружили

новый вид существ с ядерным оружием.

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Давай совершим первый контакт, пока

кто-нибудь другой не забрал всё их дерьмо.

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А как же это?

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Это уже было в Саус Парке 4 года назад.

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Они быстрые.

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Или мы медленные.

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Не делайте этого, ребята, а то жертв

будет "бразиллион".

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Потому что вы бразильцы.

Это угроза и каламбур.

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Никто меня не понимает.

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Американцы! Захват!

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О, привет, Рик. Вы тоже здесь.

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Похоже, действительно наступил

всемирный кризис.

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О, боже. Господин президент, мы с Морти

держим ситуацию под контролем.

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Не сомневаюсь.

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Свободны.

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Свободны?

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Да. Свободны. Вы здесь не нужны.

Можете уйти, и всем будет наплевать.

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Давалось раньше слышать такое?

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Да Вы хоть знаете, как устранить

эту угрозу?

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Мы не собираемся их устранять. Мы уменьшимся

и решим вопрос мирно.

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Вы уменьшаетесь с помощью

таблеток?

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Вы ещё здесь?

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Ты не должен сейчас отправиться в другую версию Земли

со своим звезданутым напарником, озабоченным селфи?

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Мы можем здесь находиться.

Вы же не президент Амазонки.

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Да, нам в школе рассказывали о вашей должности.

Вы - слуга народа.

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Чисто технически, мы - Ваши начальники.

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Я тебя умоляю, Морти. Ты платишь столько налогов,

сколько у тебя лобковых волос.

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О, есть у меня лобковые волосы,

верховный главнопердящий!

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Хочешь их сосчитать?

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Верховный главнопердящий.

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Ну всё! Давайте!

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Узнаёшь редкий элемент Санчезиум?

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Мы подготовились к неожиданным обстоятельствам

уровня Рика.

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В смысле, ты приказывал готовиться другим людям, пока

сам просиживал зад на мирных саммитах.

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Мирные саммиты важны!

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О, да. Они отлично работают.

Мы прямо тонем в мире.

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Ты - отстой!

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Это вы - отстой! Оперативная группа Альфа,

приготовиться к уменьшению.

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Кстати, а есть ли медицинская страховка

у оперативной группы Альфа?

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Ведь если действие этих таблеток

основано на субатомном сжатии,

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то знайте, что даже после грибовидного облака

рак будет проще излечить.

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Чёрт возьми, я это сделаю!

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Ого.

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Оперативная группа Альфа распущена.

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А вы двое больше не американцы.

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Я могу так сказать. Вам отказано в гражданстве.

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Если вы ещё раз ступите на американскую землю,

я буду расценивать это как вторжение.

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А мне должно быть больно?

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На это больно смотреть. Какое же

отстойное уменьшение.

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Его одежда не уменьшилась

в размере?

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Уменьшение из 70-х, вечеринка на одного.

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Лизните мой уменьшающийся зад.

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А вот и он. Ладно, валим отсюда, Морти.

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Какого чёрта?

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Я выдумал Санчезиум, тупицы.

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Не верьте всему, что написано в википедии.

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Отбой, он не боится пиратов.

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Бежим, Морти. Про пиратов была правда!

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Я-я-я не могу сейчас говорить, милая.

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А когда вообще можешь?

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Верно подмечено.

Что случилось?

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Помнишь, ты недавно сказал, что если я захочу,

то могу

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покинуть Землю и начать бороздить бесконечный

космос, чтобы понять, кто я есть,

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и никто бы не узнал, что я ушла, потому что

ты можешь заменить меня клоном?

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Угу.

00:09:11,890 --> 00:09:12,620

Я - клон?

00:09:12,650 --> 00:09:13,300

Прости, что?

00:09:13,330 --> 00:09:16,350

Я - клон? И настоящая я решила уйти, а

я только думаю, что решила остаться

00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:18,760

потому что так я и должна думать,

потому что я - замена Бет?

00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:20,440

Нет.

00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:20,980

Хорошо.

00:09:21,810 --> 00:09:25,270

О, и ещё кое-что. Если бы я была клоном,

ты бы сказал мне?

00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:30,520

Бет, когда умные люди обретают счастье,

то перестают узнавать себя.

00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,300

А ты очень умная, потому что ты

настоящая папина дочка.

00:09:34,330 --> 00:09:35,690

О, боже, ты прав.

00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:36,800

Прости.

00:09:37,330 --> 00:09:38,030

Спасибо, пап.

00:09:38,060 --> 00:09:38,630

Всё на мази?

00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:40,370

Абсолютно. Теперь я в порядке.

00:09:41,090 --> 00:09:45,620

Дабы отсечь сомнения, ты не притворяешься, что считаешь себя

настоящей, хотя на самом деле считаешь себя клоном?

00:09:45,770 --> 00:09:49,080

И ты не боишься, что мне придётся тебя уничтожить,

раз ты стала обладать своим сознанием?

00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,230

Нет.

00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:53,120

Хорошо. Рад был помочь.

До встречи.

00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:06,420

И куда мне?

00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,480

Что за... что-что-что что это значит?

00:10:10,580 --> 00:10:11,350

Бессмыслица.

00:10:11,590 --> 00:10:13,350

Проезжай вперёд и паркуйся.

00:10:13,370 --> 00:10:14,670

Так и скажи, чёрт тебя дери!

00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,170

Извини.

00:10:16,730 --> 00:10:17,350

Плохой день.

00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,640

Я - президентша мега великанов.

00:10:22,780 --> 00:10:25,080

Мы так назвали себя до того, как узнали,

что мы маленькие.

00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,130

Госпожа президентша,

00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:30,330

я - президент Америки, то есть, по сути всего мира,

но это не мои слова, если что.

00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:30,880

Я пришёл...

00:10:30,910 --> 00:10:32,060

Я знаю, кто Вы.

00:10:32,220 --> 00:10:35,680

Мы уже договорились о перемирии

с вашими послами Риком и Морти.

00:10:35,710 --> 00:10:36,650

Рик и Морти были здесь?

00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,390

Конечно, они были здесь. Они могут мгновенно

уменьшаться и телепортироваться.

00:10:39,650 --> 00:10:41,380

Они попросили меня дать Вам это.

00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:44,480

Они сказали, что она растянется, когда спадёт эффект

вашей раковой таблетки, и ваше тело

00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:46,830

будет неловко увеличиваться со скоростью

фильмов 50-х.

00:10:46,850 --> 00:10:47,950

А есть штаны?

00:10:47,970 --> 00:10:49,990

Они сказали, что Вы предпочитаете

ходить в одной футболке.

00:10:50,070 --> 00:10:52,850

Видимо, Вам необходимо размахивать

своим членом?

00:10:54,950 --> 00:10:55,920

Рик и Морти сбежали.

00:10:55,950 --> 00:10:57,860

Да ну нахер? Отвезите меня в Пентагон.

00:10:57,890 --> 00:10:59,450

Мы враждуем с Риком и Морти.

00:10:59,470 --> 00:11:01,140

Не желаете заскочить в Белый Дом?

00:11:01,170 --> 00:11:03,620

У меня есть штаны и в Пентагоне, Ронда.

Это указано в моём договоре.

00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,480

Я имела в виду, что Вам нужно созвать

пресс-конференцию.

00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:08,200

Израиль и Палестина объявили

о длительном перемирии.

00:11:08,230 --> 00:11:08,530

Что?

00:11:08,550 --> 00:11:12,280

Они подписали некий договор под названием

"Всё довольно очевидно, если подумать об этом".

00:11:12,420 --> 00:11:16,820

Судя по всему, анонимный американский дипломат

сводил их в бар Звёздных Войн,

00:11:17,050 --> 00:11:20,990

где они выкурили улучшающие восприятие инопланетные

феромоны через лазерный кальян.

00:11:21,020 --> 00:11:22,380

А я всё равно считаю, что это дело рук Путина.

00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:24,060

Это были Рик и Морти, вы, долбоёбы!

00:11:24,090 --> 00:11:25,280

Но все лавры достаются Вам, сэр.

00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:27,140

Ваш рейтинг одобрения только что добрался

до 100%.

00:11:27,410 --> 00:11:28,640

И зачем это нужно Рику и Морти?

00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,100

Потому что они - мудаки!

00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:34,410

Я польщён, но потребовались силы всей команды,

чтобы достичь того, что мы сделали сегодня.

00:11:34,490 --> 00:11:35,140

Спасибо!

00:11:35,980 --> 00:11:36,390

Ну?

00:11:36,420 --> 00:11:39,620

Они ещё не возвращались домой, сэр. Мы ведём наблюдение

за всеми возможными местоположениями.

00:11:40,390 --> 00:11:41,990

Чёрт возьми, они прямо здесь!

00:11:42,010 --> 00:11:43,060

Они здесь, чёрт возьми!

00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,070

Красный код! Нужно подкрепление!

00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:44,910

Да расслабьтесь вы все.

00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:48,040

Мы просто ждали вас в комнате, которую вы

не можете взорвать или за которой не будете следить.

00:11:48,230 --> 00:11:51,430

И хоть мы не сменили реальность,

теперь у тебя есть всё, что ты хотел,

00:11:51,450 --> 00:11:53,850

чтобы ты забыл о нашем существовании, а мы

отплатим взаимностью.

00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,280

А ты не мог просто отправить сообщение?

00:11:55,370 --> 00:11:59,930

Ну, раз мы больше не увидимся...

Народ, мы поняли! Красный Код! Хватит!

00:12:00,530 --> 00:12:03,730

Мой внук усердно поработал на тебя, и мне кажется,

что он заслужил селфи.

00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,740

Если честно, если не хочет, то и не надо.

00:12:05,770 --> 00:12:06,510

Тебе надо.

00:12:06,530 --> 00:12:09,720

Что это за охреневшие побратимские действия?

Проваливайте из моего кабинета!

00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,320

Серьёзно? Вы настолько упёртый?

00:12:11,340 --> 00:12:13,220

Это он упёртый, а я защищаю

свою страну.

00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,400

От селфи?

00:12:14,430 --> 00:12:16,120

От подчинения неприятелю.

00:12:16,140 --> 00:12:17,890

А Китай знает об этой причине отказа?

00:12:17,910 --> 00:12:19,520

Китай не относится к Белому Дому с

пренебрежением.

00:12:19,550 --> 00:12:21,410

А с чего бы? Я уверен, что это дорого обойдётся.

00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:21,930

Проваливайте!

00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:22,830

Без селфи не уйдём!

00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:23,760

Задержать их!

00:12:23,780 --> 00:12:26,840

У тебя есть право не выполнять его приказ, а я

гарантирую, что ты умрёшь, если тронешь меня.

00:12:26,870 --> 00:12:29,550

Загробной жизни нет, только лишь тьма.

Не делай этого.

00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:30,780

Рик!

00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:31,990

Так, что это было?

00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:32,370

Смерть.

00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:33,020

Какая?

00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:33,680

Мгновенная.

00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:35,110

Даже никакого звука не было.

Он просто умер.

00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:38,570

Да, очень страшно. За этим страшно наблюдать.

Это называется отпугивающее средство.

00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:40,070

Ты не мог просто вырубить его.

00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:42,070

С каких пор вырубание - это отпугивающее средство?

00:12:42,090 --> 00:12:44,490

Любой предпочтёт быть в отрубе,

чем умереть.

00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,220

Ты совершил убийство в Овальном Кабинете.

00:12:46,250 --> 00:12:47,010

Теперь ты не можешь уйти.

00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,870

И ладно. Я сказал, что без селфи не уйду.

00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,100

Да не нужно мне селфи.

00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,360

А я говорю, что вы его не получите

и не уйдёте отсюда.

00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:53,080

Значит, договорились?

00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:53,510

Да.

00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:56,830

Нет, не договорились, ведь ты думаешь,

что получишь селфи, и вы сможете уйти.

00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:57,900

Я получу селфи?

00:12:57,930 --> 00:12:58,380

Никогда.

00:12:58,410 --> 00:12:59,340

Значит я никогда не уйду.

00:12:59,370 --> 00:12:59,940

Именно.

00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:00,480

Вот видишь.

00:13:00,510 --> 00:13:01,420

Кто-нибудь занял удобную позицию для стрельбы?

00:13:01,450 --> 00:13:03,190

Да, девять человек. Давай покажу.

00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:05,200

Но я бы не советовал...

00:13:05,230 --> 00:13:05,930

Открыть огонь!

00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:07,940

Боже, какие вы тупые.

00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:08,990

Уведите отсюда президента.

00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:09,870

Плохая идея.

00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:10,810

Погоди, почему?

00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:13,340

Потому что если здесь нет того, кого они

не должны убивать,

00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,120

то они разнесут здесь всё, пытаясь убить меня.

00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:18,970

Пока ты жив, не важно, где ты будешь находиться,

если только не на селфи с ним,

00:13:18,990 --> 00:13:19,790

я буду здесь.

00:13:20,970 --> 00:13:22,650

Господи, он же не какой-то ёбаный бог!

00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,650

Ты знаешь, кто я, знаешь, на что

я способен.

00:13:24,670 --> 00:13:25,620

В-всё нормально, Рик.

00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,170

Я - доктор Кто во всём этом пиздеце!

00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,300

Я могу быть клоном. Я могу быть голограммой.

00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:32,650

Мы можем быть клонами, которыми управляют роботы,

а ими через специальные шлемы

00:13:32,670 --> 00:13:34,780

управляют настоящие Рик и Морти,

поёбывая твою мать.

00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,020

Я убью тебя!

00:13:36,050 --> 00:13:37,850

Тогда приезжай на 312 Олив-стрит.

00:13:37,870 --> 00:13:38,580

Это её адрес?

00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,330

Ты этого не знаешь, потому что ты - плохой сын.

00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,300

Взять его! Semper fi!*

*Верен долгу всегда

00:13:43,770 --> 00:13:45,890

Номер три. Круговорот.

00:13:46,650 --> 00:13:47,370

- Чёрт!

- Номер четыре.

00:13:47,510 --> 00:13:48,820

Ловкость рук.

00:13:51,250 --> 00:13:51,730

Бет?

00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,040

Мой отец мог клонировать меня, и, возможно,

я - клон.

00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:55,900

Он говорит, что это не так, но так бы

он и сказал клону.

00:13:55,950 --> 00:13:56,500

Ещё бы.

00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,530

Номер шесть. Техасская волна.

00:13:58,550 --> 00:13:59,680

Как по мне, ты похожа на себя.

00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:00,660

Ты что, болван?

00:14:01,470 --> 00:14:03,800

Прости. Прости, это было так грубо.

00:14:03,830 --> 00:14:06,260

Я пришла к тебе за помощью, но вот оскорбляю

твой интеллект.

00:14:06,290 --> 00:14:07,620

Посмотри, к чему приводит интеллект.

00:14:07,650 --> 00:14:12,830

Не придирайся к интеллекту, потому что сейчас

я хочу понять, чем я могу тебе помочь.

00:14:12,850 --> 00:14:15,470

Я не могу отвечать за всё это, Джерри.

Мой разум, мои мысли -

00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:18,600

всё это переменные величины, единственная

постоянная - это ты.

00:14:18,930 --> 00:14:20,810

Ты знаешь меня. От и до.

00:14:21,670 --> 00:14:22,770

Делай то, что должен.

00:14:25,070 --> 00:14:26,030

Ладно. Присядь.

00:14:26,530 --> 00:14:28,010

А теперь скрести ноги.

00:14:28,260 --> 00:14:29,600

Эта нога сверху. Хорошо.

00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:30,940

Что ты задумал?

00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,340

Выпускной класс, я повёл тебя на свидание

на представление Милуокского симфонического оркестра,

00:14:36,370 --> 00:14:38,640

который исполнял музыку Алана Сильвестри

в парке.

00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:41,620

В фильме "Вулкан" на этом моменте,

00:14:41,650 --> 00:14:45,870

когда Томми Ли Джонс и рабочие используют машины,

чтобы переправить поток лавы в тупик,

00:14:46,230 --> 00:14:49,160

я заметил, что у меня так вспотели руки, что я

никогда не смогу взять тебя за руку.

00:14:49,370 --> 00:14:52,900

Но я так хотел дотронуться до тебя, что вытер

руки о траву,

00:14:52,930 --> 00:14:56,510

но ко мне прилипла обёртка от "Сникерса", и я

начал как бы трясти её

00:14:56,530 --> 00:14:58,330

и стряхивать без особых движений.

00:14:58,350 --> 00:15:01,940

Но ты начала осматриваться, и я подумал: "Ну всё,

она увидит, что я неудачник."

00:15:02,140 --> 00:15:06,440

И мне никогда её не коснуться, но у меня ещё есть время,

но эта рука, и эта этикетка Сникерса,

00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:09,580

и этот незабываемый момент с духовыми,

ведь это была сцена с парнем, горящем в лаве.

00:15:09,610 --> 00:15:11,580

И сказал себе:

Похуй! Губы не потеют!

00:15:14,620 --> 00:15:16,010

Ого. Да.

00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,260

Это чувство я никогда не забуду.

00:15:18,770 --> 00:15:19,840

Ты настоящая.

00:15:20,730 --> 00:15:21,790

Что ж, тогда всё ясно.

00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:24,340

Потому что в моих воспоминаниях я ненавижу ту ночь.

00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:33,000

Но теперь, пережив это вновь, я начинаю чувствовать, как же мне повезло

быть любимой таким простым, честным, простым человеком.

00:15:33,020 --> 00:15:34,170

Простым было дважды.

00:15:34,190 --> 00:15:36,390

Я не та женщина, на которой ты женился, Джерри.

00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,760

Потому что эта женщина любит тебя.

00:15:38,790 --> 00:15:42,610

Ха-ха. Что ж...

Вива ля шанс...

00:15:42,630 --> 00:15:43,790

Окей, это было глупо...

00:15:43,820 --> 00:15:46,380

Эм... Послушай... Я... Слова...

00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,200

Дон Чидл...

00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,220

Вы имеете права съебаться к хуям из моего кабинета.

00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:57,700

У тебя есть право лизнуть моего хуйца.

00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:58,750

Давай его сюда.

00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,960

Уступи! Уступи селфи!

00:17:09,980 --> 00:17:11,140

Уступаю! Уступаю!

00:17:11,170 --> 00:17:12,030

Делай своё селфи.

00:17:12,060 --> 00:17:14,480

Так, Морти, иди сюда

и скажи сыр.

00:17:14,970 --> 00:17:15,870

Морти?

00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:17,840

Морти, да брось!

00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:19,530

Твою то мать.

00:17:21,780 --> 00:17:25,000

Рик, не злись на меня.

Я-я-я украл твою портальную пушку.

00:17:25,030 --> 00:17:26,230

Какого хуя, Морти?

00:17:26,260 --> 00:17:29,140

Я тебе 800 раз сказал, что не хочу это долбаное селфи!

00:17:29,170 --> 00:17:32,720

Слушай, что бы между вами с президентом не происходило,

меня не касается.

00:17:32,750 --> 00:17:34,460

-И куда ты ушёл?

-Не могу сказать.

00:17:34,490 --> 00:17:36,780

Рик, ты сказал моей маме, что она может быть клоном?

00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,480

Нет! Я сказал, что она оригинал!

00:17:38,510 --> 00:17:41,250

-Не это ли говорят клонам?

-О, боже ты мой.

00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,910

-Рик, мама с папой хотят начать сначала.

-Что?! Не... Она не клон!

00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:50,070

Что ж, она говорит, ей всё равно, оригинал она или нет,

потому что сейчас она любит моего папу, и попросила меня с Саммер прийти домой,

00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:52,140

и мы прячемся от тебя, чтобы ты её не убил.

00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,230

Если она клон.

00:17:53,260 --> 00:17:55,500

В выбранном мною месте, которое ты никогда не найдешь.

00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,390

Так что... не ищи нас.

00:17:59,340 --> 00:18:00,330

Давай, сучёнок!

00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:01,460

Сам давай, сучёнок.

00:18:01,490 --> 00:18:03,740

Я всё... Хватит с меня...

Мне нужно...

00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:06,180

-Мне пора...

-Выходит, я победил.

00:18:06,250 --> 00:18:07,820

Я тут главный и тебе не уйти.

00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,020

Ты террорист, враг народа, и ты пнул меня по шарам 10 минут назад!

00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,790

Администрация президента не может

сосуществовать с богом во плоти, который ей не покоряется.

00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:16,420

Ну... Кроме Посейдона.

00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,060

Но он уже за решёткой в Зоне 51,

так что это не считается.

00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,760

Мистер президент, заключим сделку.

00:18:20,790 --> 00:18:24,710

Если вы позволите мне воспользоваться своим

убогим дешёвым утраивающим дефицит телепортом,

00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,400

я перемещусь, разберусь кое-с-чем,

и мы никогда не увидимся.

00:18:27,430 --> 00:18:28,500

Хорошо. Уговор.

00:18:28,530 --> 00:18:30,300

Неведимкофицеры, опустите оружие.

00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,160

Да, да, не хочу это слышать.

00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:35,260

-Вы же понимаете, что я их видел.

-Не зарывайтесь, Санчез.

00:18:46,190 --> 00:18:47,090

Он нас нашёл!

00:18:47,430 --> 00:18:49,920

Я же говорила, что не надо прятаться в той же хижине.

00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:52,060

Так, мы больше не будем прятаться.

Это закончится сейчас.

00:18:53,450 --> 00:18:55,280

Пап, если ты мне отец.

00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,270

Конечно, ты мне не отец, ведь ты пришел с винтовкой,

потому что я клон.

00:18:58,610 --> 00:19:02,210

Похоже, у меня все воспоминания твоей дочери,

так что я в какой-то степени была ей.

00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:05,430

Они нас и связывают, но я никак не могу связать их

с тем фактом, что

00:19:05,460 --> 00:19:09,130

она оставила семью и меня,

что связывает меня с ними.

00:19:09,150 --> 00:19:13,200

Так что если убьёшь меня, ладно.

Она не пострадает. Но ты погубишь настоящую семью.

00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,720

И разве вместо этого ты не можешь

просто уйти?

00:19:15,860 --> 00:19:20,250

Разве нет бесконечности реальностей?

Ты не можешь просто переместиться туда, где я не знаю, что я клон,

00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:28,340

и где другая, но идентичная версия твоей оригинальной поехавшей сучки,

дочери-социопате будет объектом твоей гордости, будучи чёрт знает где?

00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:32,070

Бет, поехавшая ты сука,

ты моя дочь.

00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:33,680

Я принёс пушку, чтоб убить Джерри.

00:19:33,710 --> 00:19:35,870

-Ахаха, да! Да!

-Божечки.

00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,790

Да, да, да, ты победил, Джерри.

00:19:37,820 --> 00:19:38,700

Ты победил!

00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:42,280

Ни один гений не способен остановить рост

тех посредственных пустых сорняков,

00:19:42,310 --> 00:19:46,930

которыми ты обхватываешь всех и каждого,

питаясь их соками, лишая возможности оградить свою жизнь от тебя.

00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:50,980

Что ж, тебе было трудно признать это.

Я это ценю.

00:19:51,010 --> 00:19:53,160

Морти, где портальная пушка? Валим отсюда.

00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:55,010

-Я остаюсь, Рик.

-Ты что...

00:19:56,430 --> 00:19:57,440

Как же вы не понимаете?

00:19:57,470 --> 00:19:59,120

Всё, что для вас значимо, ничего не значит.

00:19:59,150 --> 00:20:03,180

Ни капли исключительности!

Это происходит бесконечность раз в бесконечности миров.

00:20:03,210 --> 00:20:04,550

И вот это?

00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,010

Да!

00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:09,920

Однако, даже субъективно, это было не смешно.

00:20:09,940 --> 00:20:12,520

-Так ты останешься?

-Существует бесконечность реальностей, Морти.

00:20:12,540 --> 00:20:19,260

С чего мне оставаться в той, где я разгромил Белый Дом,

стал врагом США, да ещё и персонажем с самым низким статусом в семье идиотов?

00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,660

Потому что я пукнула?

00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,080

Вон там ещё осталась часть разрухи.

00:20:25,110 --> 00:20:29,180

Кажется, вы до сих пор не поняли, чем должен заниматься

Министр Труда!

00:20:29,790 --> 00:20:31,820

Мистер президент, я Рик Санчез.

00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,380

Но, не тот, кто устроил вот это всё.

00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:37,960

Мы Рики путешествуем по бесконечности

и время от времени меняемся местами, как раки-отшельники, наверное.

00:20:37,990 --> 00:20:39,300

Я Рик-рыбак, ловящий нахлыстом.

00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:44,820

Отличить меня от Рика, с которым вы повздорили,

можно по моему увлечению рыбалке и сопутствующей шляпе.

00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:48,160

Надеюсь, я буду вам полезен,

если планета окажется под угрозой.

00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,150

Друзья?

00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:52,600

А звучит неплохо.

00:20:53,190 --> 00:20:54,540

Дети, ужин!

00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:55,780

Мы из китайского ресторана.

00:20:55,810 --> 00:20:57,150

А там была сладкая курица?

00:20:57,180 --> 00:20:58,740

Вроде как, это всё что у них есть.

00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,720

Люблю китайскую кухню!

Спасибо, мам!

00:21:00,750 --> 00:21:03,240

Надеюсь, чуть позже я отведаю твоей сладкой курочки.

00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:04,440

Прекрати.

00:21:04,980 --> 00:21:07,110

Вот твоя тупая шляпа, долбоящер.

00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,240

Пап, ты больше не можешь так разговаривать с Джерри.

00:21:09,260 --> 00:21:11,190

Мы теперь настоящая семья.

00:21:11,210 --> 00:21:14,640

Теперь во многом всё будет, как в первом сезоне,

но без каких-либо трудностей.

00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:16,870

Теперь мы с Джерри - счастливые родители в браке,

00:21:16,890 --> 00:21:20,490

а тот факт, что страх твоего исчезновения придавал мне мотивацию, оставлен в забвении.

00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:21,230

В забвении?

00:21:21,250 --> 00:21:22,620

Ты в жизни так не говорила.

00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,040

Быть может, ты всё-таки клон.

00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,240

Да дед его знает.

00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:04,500

Ооооой-ёёёй!

00:22:04,530 --> 00:22:05,640

Вот так сезон!

00:22:05,670 --> 00:22:08,340

Вы уж извините, что не появлялся,

но я женился,

00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:09,190

у меня теперь малыш.

00:22:09,210 --> 00:22:12,490

Решил доучиться и сдал ЕГЭ.

00:22:12,570 --> 00:22:14,910

А ВЫ что делали, пока ждали?

00:22:14,930 --> 00:22:18,580

Надеюсь вы не пинали хуи,

и не всрали жизнь!

00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,210

Ооой-ёёёй!

00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:25,410

Увидимся в четвёртом сезоне, который выйдет...

Ещё очень не скоро!

00:22:25,430 --> 00:22:29,150

К тому времени я, может, отращу огроменную бородищу,

как у Санты Клауса.

00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,170

И... ну... ну и...

00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:32,350

И у меня...

00:22:32,690 --> 00:22:34,340

будет парочка внуков,

00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,430

и всякая подобная хрень.

00:22:36,460 --> 00:22:38,490

Вот... вот тогда и увидимся!

00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,091

Oh, come on.

00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:10,427

Play football!

00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:13,263

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:15,098

[ Creature growls softly ]

00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:19,311

-[ Creature snarls ]

-Aaah!

00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:20,395

[ Slash! ]

00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,397

RICK: So, you're mining stuff

to craft with

00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:23,857

and crafting stuff to mine with?

00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,776

-Uh-huh.

-Did your dad write this game?

00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:27,819

-Mean.

-[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:33,242

Gentlemen, you're needed

by a friend in Washington!

00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,702

How clandestine.

00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:37,120

[ Zap! ]

00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:38,747

If they can teleport,

why did we take...

00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,415

I just work here, Steve,

same as you!

00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:41,458

[ Indistinct conversation ]

00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,419

All right.

All right, all right.

00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,630

-Mr. President.

-It's about time, gentlemen.

00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:47,839

Rick, do you need

to drink in here?

00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,299

-Yes.

-Here's the adventure.

00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,343

Some kind of alien...googa

00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,220

has infested

the Kennedy Sex Tunnels.

00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,264

I want it hunted down

and taken out.

00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,682

Kennedy Sex Tunnels?

00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,058

Naturally, you'll forget

you saw them,

00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,352

along with, in order of

national embarrassment,

00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,521

the Truman Cocaine Lounge,

the McKinley Hooker Dump,

00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,565

and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum.

00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:06,358

He didn't free them all.

00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,568

And let me know

when you're done.

00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:08,610

Maybe then we could

get a selfie?

00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,821

Too busy, Morty.

Now tell me about this summit.

00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:13,448

Is it a peace one

or a regular one?

00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,742

[ Beeping ]

00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:18,954

[ Growling ]

00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,372

[ Zap! Zap! Zap! ]

00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:21,915

[ Whimpers ]

00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,085

Ugh. This sucks.

00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,336

God, tell me about it.

00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:27,838

Oh, man.

If you're not into it...

00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:29,673

What do you mean?

Why would I be into it?

00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:31,758

-It's lame.

-You're into lame stuff, Morty.

00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,885

I thought young dumb people

considered it an honor

00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,096

to work for presidents

or whatever the shit.

00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:38,390

Maybe the first few times,

but this just sucks.

00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,267

He treats us like Ghostbusters.

00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,102

-We should talk to him.

-Yeah, that sounds fun.

00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,479

Let's set some boundaries

with a spoiled control freak

00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,731

that thinks he runs the world

00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,899

and orders drone strikes

to cope with his insecurity.

00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,360

It's either that

or more of this.

00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:51,862

Third choice...

00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:53,363

-"Minecraft."

-You like it now?

00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,699

Got to be honest, Morty.

It's growing on me.

00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:57,200

Notify the president.

00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:59,620

-What do I tell him?

-Tell him the truth.

00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:03,582

Tell him Rick and Morty

just blew off America.

00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:05,709

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:36,782

MORTY: You can use that wood

to make a chest.

00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:38,241

RICK: Oh, good. Then I can

store all this wood

00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:39,868

I'll need later

for chest-making.

00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,036

MORTY: Okay. You're not

going to have fun

00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,496

if you analyze everything.

00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:43,747

This is what they'd rather do?

00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,540

It's all in the transcript.

00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,417

"Treats us like Ghostbusters."

00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,086

So, Ghostbusters

aren't cool now?

00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:50,754

I don't recall

signing that bill.

00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:51,880

"Control freak."

00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,257

"Orders drone strikes

to cope with..."

00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:56,843

"Insecurity."

00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:58,261

Should we drone-strike them?

00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,263

-That would prove him right!

-And blow him up.

00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:01,473

Give me the phone.

00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:03,308

RICK: Is this game popular

with autistic people?

00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:04,851

Why would you say

something like that?

00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,228

'Cause I'm starting to love it.

00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,312

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,356

MORTY: "Failure to answer

is a felony offense"?

00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,357

RICK:

Play it cool.

00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:12,234

As far as he knows,

we're still in the tunnels.

00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,360

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:

[ Chuckles ]

00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:15,112

When should we reveal

we can see them?

00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:16,655

We're holding all

the cards right now.

00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,699

We don't show any before

the time is right.

00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:19,950

-Awesome.

-RICK: Yello?

00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,451

Hi, guys.

U.S. President calling.

00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:22,911

-How's it going?

-Oh, hey.

00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,955

Just hard at work

on this sex tunnel gagoo.

00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,873

I think it's kind of our

new archnemesis, you know?

00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:27,999

It might take a while.

00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,418

What do you think, Morty,

a month?

00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:30,877

Fingers crossed, a month, yeah.

00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:33,547

You lying dicks!

00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,090

I see your asses playing

"Minecraft"!

00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,550

I got you on satellite!

00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:37,884

That's right.

00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,219

What do you have to say

for yourselves?

00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,138

Okay, obviously,

this looks bad, Mr. President.

00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,556

I mean, what doesn't look bad

00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:43,890

through an illegal

spy satellite?

00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,016

Don't high-road me.

00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,727

The two of you break

1,000 federal laws a day.

00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:48,478

-Wow, really?

-That's pretty cool.

00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:50,814

And, yes, yes, yes, yes,

you save the world now and then.

00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,023

America returns that favor

00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,526

by not holding the two of you

accountable to its laws.

00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,319

-Oh!

-Oh! Oh, God.

00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,071

We... We didn't know

you saw it that way.

00:03:58,196 --> 00:03:59,865

Well, it's nobody's fault.

00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:01,700

We never had "the talk,"

so to speak.

00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:02,951

RICK: Yeah. I mean,

the way we see it,

00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,746

when we show up,

that's the favor to you.

00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,706

Especially, you know,

when it turns out

00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,499

you wanted someone to come over

just because you found

00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,293

an "X-Files" monster

in your basement.

00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:14,588

As for the reason you've never,

like, arrested us,

00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,798

we assumed you just knew

that it was impossible,

00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,300

like, if you tried.

00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,469

You know, it wouldn't go well.

00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:24,681

Wouldn't go well?

Can you elaborate?

00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:27,559

I think one of your 1,000 laws

says, no, I can't elaborate.

00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,394

Just trust me.

None of us want to go there.

00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:30,937

Which we'll never have to.

00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:32,814

By the way, we'll keep on

saving the Earth.

00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,357

You know, we're...

we're happy to do that.

00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,109

RICK: Yeah, but not because

it contains America...

00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,570

because moving to a new version

of Earth is a bitch and a half.

00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:41,281

But feel free to call us, you

know, as... as, like, friends.

00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,450

Yeah, like, if you ever

want to take a selfie...

00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:45,911

So, are we cool?

00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,955

PRESIDENT: Yes.

Thank you, gentlemen.

00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,040

I told you, man!

00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:52,626

I'm impressed, Morty.

That went really well.

00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,836

[ Indistinct conversations ]

00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,963

Everybody,

get ahold of yourselves!

00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:59,299

Sir, what is our new

Rick and Morty policy?

00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:02,552

Our policy is, we never needed

them and never will again.

00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,679

Today, we celebrate

our independence

00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,306

from Rick and Morty.

00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:08,600

Everyone out.

00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,813

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:18,068

♪ How can I move on

from your love? ♪

00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:20,529

MAN: All this spring at Clothes

Mart, there's a clothes sale.

00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,780

Come on down

to the clothes section.

00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:24,032

I just put it on for fun.

I know I can't buy it.

00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,035

Oh, come on. You look great!

You're only young once.

00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,912

Just promise, if the results

are too strong,

00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:29,955

you'll use protection.

00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,706

Really?! Thanks!

00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,084

-When did you get rad?

-I don't know.

00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:38,255

Maybe I adjusted to the divorce

and everything's new.

00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:39,673

I'll say.

I couldn't stand you

00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:41,800

for more than an hour

at a time before.

00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:43,385

[ Chuckles ]

No... No offense.

00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,179

I like it. It's great.

You're like a different person.

00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,390

Yeah.

00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,433

Different person.

00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:53,979

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:58,108

Contato.

00:05:58,233 --> 00:06:01,319

Vamos! Vamos!

Aaah!

00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,737

How do you like that, Morty?

00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,781

Whoa!

Just like "Minecraft"!

00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:06,950

Ooh, a tiny

nuclear-capable species

00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,618

just got discovered

in the Amazon.

00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,245

Let's go make first contact

before someone else

00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,788

-gets all their shit.

-What about this?

00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,582

South Park did it

four years ago, Morty.

00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,959

-They're fast.

-RICK: Or we're slow.

00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,378

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:20,881

Don't do it, guys.

00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:23,425

The casualties would be

in the "Brazilians"

00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,051

because you're Brazilian.

00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,386

It's a threat and a pun.

00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:27,470

Nobody gets me.

00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:29,180

Americanos! Pressa!

00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,266

[ Rumbling ]

00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:50,243

Oh. Hello, Rick.

You're here, too.

00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,162

I guess this is a global crisis.

00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,705

Oh, God.

Uh, Mr. President,

00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,332

Morty and I

have the situation covered.

00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:56,750

I'm sure you did.

00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,209

-Dismissed.

-Dismissed?

00:06:58,335 --> 00:06:59,836

Yeah, dismissed.

00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,213

Not needed here. You can leave

and nobody will care.

00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:03,214

Have you never heard

that before?

00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,758

Do you even know how to take out

this kind of threat?

00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:05,926

We're not taking it out.

00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:09,220

We're going to shrink down and

approach them diplomatically.

00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,726

-RICK: You shrink with pills?

-Are you still here?

00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,770

Shouldn't you be going down

to your next version of Earth

00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,855

with your selfie-craving

star-fucker sidekick?

00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,523

-Whoa!

-We're allowed to be here.

00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,067

You aren't president

of the Amazon.

00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,818

Yeah, I learned about

yourjob in school.

00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,195

You're a civil servant.

00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,529

We're technically your boss.

00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:27,697

Oh, please, Morty.

00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,407

You pay as many taxes

as you have pubes.

00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,077

Oh, I got pubes,

Commander-in-Queef.

00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,287

-Y-You want to count them?

-Commander-in-Queef.

00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:35,497

That's it! Do it!

00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,875

Recognize the rare element

Sanchez-eum?

00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,378

We've been preparing for a Rick-Ievel eventuality for some time.

00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,546

You mean you've been ordering

other people to prepare for it

00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:45,423

while you sat on your ass

at peace summits.

00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,384

-Peace summits are important!

-Oh, yeah! They work great!

00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,260

We're really drowning in peace!

00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,096

-You suck!

-You suck!

00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,722

Task Force Alpha,

prepare to shrink.

00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:55,684

Is there a Task Force Alpha

health plan, by the way?

00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,061

Because if those pills are based

on subatomic compression,

00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,437

you could get

a more curable cancer

00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,731

just walking through

the mushroom clouds.

00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,149

God damn it!

I'll do it.

00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,903

-Whoa.

-Task Force Alpha is disbanded.

00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,655

And you two aren't

American anymore!

00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,657

I can say that.

You're expatriated!

00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,701

If you step foot

on homeland soil again,

00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,577

I'll treat it as an invasion.

00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:15,787

Is this supposed to be painful?

00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:16,788

Painful to watch.

00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,415

Oh, such lame shrinking.

00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,792

Oh, his clothes

stay the same size?

00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,253

'70s shrinking, party of one.

00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:25,422

[ High-pitched voice ]

Eat my shrinking ass!

00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,134

There he goes. All right.

Let's get out of here, Morty.

00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:31,761

What the hell?!

00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,972

I made Sanchez-eum up,

dumbasses.

00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:36,016

Don't believe everything

you read on Wikipedia.

00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,852

Stand down.

He's not afraid of pirates.

00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:41,563

Oh! Run, Morty!

That part was true!

00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:57,328

[ Dialing, ringing ]

00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:58,913

RICK:

I-I can't talk now, sweetie.

00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,081

-Oh, when can you?

-RICK: Good point.

00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,082

[ Burps ] What's up?

00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,501

Remember a little while ago

when you said that, if I wanted,

00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:06,254

I could, like, leave Earth

and wander the infinite cosmos

00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,715

to figure out who I am and that

nobody would ever know I'd left

00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,134

because you could

replace me with a clone?

00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,427

-Mm-hmm.

-Am I the clone?

00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,970

-Sorry. What?

-Am I the clone?

00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,014

Did the real me choose to leave,

and I only think I chose to stay

00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:17,223

because that's

what I need to think

00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:19,059

because I'm

the replacement Beth?

00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,186

-Okay.

00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,479

Wait.

And one more thing.

00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:25,690

If I were a clone,

would you tell me?

00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:28,485

Beth, you know, when...

when smart people get happy,

00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,612

they stop recognizing

themselves.

00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:33,990

And you are very smart because

you're very much my daughter.

00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,993

Oh, God. You're right.

I'm sorry.

00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,411

-Thank you, Dad.

-All good?

00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:40,413

Totally.

I'm fine now.

00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:41,956

And just to be sure,

00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,541

you're not pretending

to be convinced you're real

00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:45,335

because you're actually

convinced you're a clone

00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,170

and you're now terrified

that becoming self-aware

00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,922

would mean I'd have to

terminate you?

00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:52,092

-No.

-RICK: Okay. Glad I could help.

00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:53,384

See you soon.

00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,931

[ Breathing heavily ]

Aaaaaah!

00:09:58,056 --> 00:10:00,558

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:06,564

Where do I go?

00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,318

What does th... What... What...

What... What does this mean?

00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,361

This means nothing.

00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,196

Pull forward and park.

00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:14,447

Then say that, God damn it!

00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:16,449

Sorry.

00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,076

Bad day.

00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:19,869

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,539

I am Presidentress

of the Mega Gargantuans.

00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:25,041

We named ourselves

before learning we were small.

00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,669

Madam Presidentress,

I'm President of America,

00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:28,753

which is basically the world,

00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,088

but you didn't hear that

from me.

00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,923

-I've come to...

-I know who you are.

00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,758

We've already agreed

to a ceasefire

00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:35,552

with your ambassadors,

Rick and Morty.

00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,512

-Rick and Morty were here?

-Of course they were here.

00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,389

They can shrink instantly

and teleport.

00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,932

They told me to give you this.

00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,268

They said it will stretch

as your cancer pill wears off

00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:46,729

and your body awkwardly enlarges

at the rate of a '50s movie.

00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:47,730

Are there pants?

00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,858

They said you'd prefer

just a shirt.

00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,694

Apparently, you have a need

to swing your dick around?

00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:55,822

Rick and Morty escaped.

00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,740

No shit.

Take me to the Pentagon.

00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,242

We're at war

with Rick and Morty.

00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,827

You'll want to make a stop

at the White House?

00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,454

I have pants at the Pentagon,

Rhonda. It's in my contract.

00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,248

I mean you need to call

a press conference.

00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,917

Israel and Palestine have

announced a permanent ceasefire.

00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,752

-What?

-They signed something called

00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:12,130

"The Pretty Obvious If You

Think About It" accord.

00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:14,507

Apparently, an anonymous

American diplomat

00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,718

took them

to a "Star Wars" cantina,

00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,511

where they smoked

perspective-enhancing

00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,680

alien pheromones

through a laser hookah.

00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,432

I still say it has to be Putin.

00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:23,933

It was Rick and Morty,

you fucking dunce!

00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,059

But you're getting

the credit, sir.

00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,978

Your approval rating

just hit 100%.

00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,438

Why would Rick

and Morty want that?

00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,148

Because they're assholes!

00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,734

I'm flattered,

but it takes a whole team

00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,194

to achieve what we did today.

00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:35,653

Thank you.

00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:36,321

Well?

00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:37,447

They haven't been

back home, sir.

00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,782

We've got every possible

location under surveillance.

00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,659

God damn it!

They're right here!

00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,536

-They're here, God damn it!

-Code Red! We need backup!

00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,246

Everybody relax.

00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:46,456

Just waiting for you

in the only room

00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:48,041

you can't blow up or spy on.

00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:49,876

So, we're not changing

timelines for you,

00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,419

but now you have

everything you want,

00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,963

so you can forget we exist,

and we'll return the favor.

00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,298

You couldn't say that in a text?

00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,884

Well, since we won't be seeing

each other again, my...

00:11:58,009 --> 00:12:00,178

Guys, we get it.

It's a Code Red. Enough.

00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,888

My grandson has

worked hard for you,

00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,640

and I feel like

he's earned a selfie.

00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,516

Honestly, I could take it

or leave it at this point.

00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:06,517

You're taking it.

00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,519

No. What kind of fratty—ass

status move is that?

00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,520

Get out of my office!

00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,314

Seriously?

You're that stubborn?

00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:13,191

He's the stubborn one.

I'm protecting my country.

00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:14,359

Uh, from selfies?

00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,110

From subordination

to hostile powers.

00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,862

Uh, does China know about

that deal-breaker?

00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,489

China doesn't piss

on the White House.

00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:21,324

Well, why would they?

I'm sure it was expensive.

00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:22,992

-Get out.

-Not without a selfie.

00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:23,743

Arrest them.

00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,078

Son, you have a right

to refuse his order,

00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:26,788

and I guarantee you're going to

die if you touch me,

00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,915

and there's no afterlife.

Everything just goes black.

00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,124

Don't do it.

00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,043

-Whoa, Rick!

-Okay. What was that?

00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:33,169

-Death.

-What kind?

00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,420

-Instant.

-There was no sound.

00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:36,005

-He just died.

-Yeah, terrifying.

00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,465

It's a terrifying thing

to watch happen.

00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,716

It's called a deterrent.

00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:40,218

You couldn't

just knock him out?

00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:42,053

How is knocking out a deterrent?

00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,304

Everyone wants to be

knocked out.

00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:44,681

Nobody wants to be dead.

00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,140

You committed murder

in the Oval Office.

00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,183

-Now you can't leave.

-That's fine.

00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:48,810

I said I'm not leaving

without a selfie.

00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,270

Uh, I don't need a selfie.

00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,354

And I'm saying

you aren't getting one

00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:52,355

and you aren't leaving.

00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,899

-So we agree?

-Yes. No. We disagree

00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,859

because you think you're getting

a selfie and leaving.

00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:57,902

Am I getting a selfie?

00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:59,279

-Never.

-Then I'm never leaving.

00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,530

-Exactly.

-See?

00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:01,531

Does anyone have a shot?

00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,408

Yes, nine people.

I can show you.

00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,244

-But I wouldn't recommend...

-Open fire!

00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:07,912

God, you are dumb!

00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,038

Get the President out of here!

00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:10,790

-Bad idea.

-Wait. Why?

00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:11,958

Because if there isn't

someone in here

00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,376

that they're not

supposed to kill,

00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,128

they're going to wreck

the place trying to kill me.

00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:17,171

As long as you live,

no matter where you are,

00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,924

if it isn't in a selfie

with him, I'll be here.

00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:22,135

Jesus!

He's not a fucking god!

00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:23,469

You don't know what I am!

00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:24,637

And you don't know

what I can do!

00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:25,763

Geez, it's... it's cool, Rick!

00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:27,140

I'm Doctor Who

in this motherfucker.

00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:29,350

I could be a clone.

I could be a hologram.

00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,102

We could be clones

controlled by robots

00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,520

controlled with special headsets

00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:33,730

that the real Rick and Morty

are wearing

00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:34,772

while they're fucking

your mother!

00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:35,815

I'm going to kill you!

00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,567

Then come to 312 Olive Street!

00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:38,651

Is that her address?

00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,236

You don't know because

you're a bad son!

00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,864

-Ow!

-Take him down! Semper fi!

00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:43,906

Aaaaah!

00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:46,034

MAN:

Number three, The Twister.

00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,410

-Ow! Damn it.

-Number four...

00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,745

The Hanky Panky.

00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,455

[ Knock on door ]

00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:51,831

Beth?

00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:54,083

My dad might have cloned me,

and I might be the clone.

00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,835

And he says I'm not, but that's

what he'd say to a clone.

00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,129

-Typical.

-Number six, The Texas Ripple.

00:13:58,254 --> 00:13:59,756

You look like you to me.

00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,717

What are you, an idiot?

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,760

That was so rude.

00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:06,220

I came to you for help, and now

I'm insulting your intelligence.

00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,764

And look where

intelligence gets you.

00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,891

Well, don't knock intelligence,

because right now

00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,643

I'd love to understand

how I can help you.

00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,228

I can't be in charge

of that, Jerry.

00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,731

My mind, my ideas are all

part of the variable.

00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,900

The only constant is you.

00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,694

You know me inside and out.

00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,237

Do what you have to do.

00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:26,699

Okay. Sit down.

00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,201

Now cross your legs.

00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:29,535

That leg on top. Good.

00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,662

Oh, what is this?

00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:32,830

[ Classical music plays ]

00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,749

Senior year,

I took you on a date

00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,292

to the Milwaukee

Symphony Orchestra

00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:39,379

performing the music

of Alan Silvestri in the Park.

00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:41,506

At this point in the song

from "Volcano,"

00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,549

when Tommy Lee Jones

and the utility workers

00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:46,094

are using cars to guide

the lava into a cul-de-sac,

00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,804

I realized my palms

were so sweaty,

00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:49,347

I would never get

to hold your hand.

00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:50,723

But I was desperate

to touch you,

00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:52,767

so I wiped my palm

on the grass next to me.

00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,727

But a Snickers wrapper

kind of got stuck on it,

00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,604

so I started

kind of jiggling it,

00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,439

whipping it without

moving too much.

00:14:58,564 --> 00:14:59,899

But you started looking over,

and I thought,

00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:02,026

"Well, this is it. She's going

to see that I'm a loser,

00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:03,111

and I'll never get

to touch her.

00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,779

But I still have time

to touch her."

00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,197

But my hand had Snickers

on it,

00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:07,615

and the brass section

was swelling

00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,450

because it was the scene with

the guy melting in the lava.

00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,577

And I just thought, "Fuck it.

Lips don't sweat."

00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,290

Wow. Yeah.

00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,793

I'll never forget that feeling.

00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,628

You're the real thing.

00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,004

Then that settles it,

00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,715

because my memory

is of hating that night.

00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:27,969

But now, reliving it,

all I can feel is how lucky I am

00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:33,015

to be loved by such a simple,

honest, simple man.

00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:34,016

Simple twice.

00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,894

This isn't the woman

you married, Jerry,

00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,604

because this woman loves you.

00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:42,066

Uh...well, vive la différence.

00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:44,110

[ Chuckles ]

Okay. That was lame.

00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:46,779

Listen, I... Words.

00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:48,531

Don Cheadle.

00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,783

[ Moaning ]

00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,621

You have the right to get

the fuck out of my office!

00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,707

You have the right

to kiss my dick!

00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,792

Give me the thing.

00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:00,960

Ugh!

00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:03,004

Oh! Ugh!

00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,427

Ugh!

00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,098

[ Both coughing ]

00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,356

[ Both screaming ]

00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,742

[ Both scream ]

00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:33,951

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,161

[ Both scream ]

00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:41,292

Oh! [ Laughing ]

00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:44,837

[ Clicking ]

00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:54,805

Aah!

00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,485

Ohh!

00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,820

Submit!

Submit for the selfie!

00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:11,906

I yield! I yield!

Take the selfie!

00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:14,534

Okay. Morty, get in there

and say, "Cheese."

00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,577

Morty?

00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:17,787

Morty, come on!

00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:19,622

[ Sighs ] God damn it!

00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:21,040

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:24,835

Rick, don't get mad,

but I-I stole your portal gun.

00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,087

RICK:

What the fuck, Morty?!

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,881

I told you I didn't want

the damn selfie 800 times!

00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:30,633

Look, whatever the hell

is going on between you

00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:32,635

and the president,

it's got nothing to do with me.

00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,345

-So where did you go?

-MORTY: I can't tell you.

00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,639

Rick, did you tell my mom

she might be a clone?

00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,474

No! I told her she wasn't!

00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:39,976

Well, isn't that

what you'd tell a clone?

00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:41,102

RICK:

Oh, for Christ's sake.

00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,020

Rick, my mom and dad

are getting back together.

00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:44,814

What? No!

She's not a clone!

00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:46,816

Well, she says it doesn't

matter if she is or isn't

00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,192

because now she loves my dad,

00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:50,027

and she wanted me

and Summer to come home,

00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:52,029

and we're hiding from you

so you don't kill her

00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:55,366

if she's a clone in a place I

picked that you will never find.

00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,868

-So don't look for us.

-[ Beep ]

00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,414

-Come on, bitch!

-Oh, you come on, bitch.

00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:02,915

I'm out. I'm done.

00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,293

I got to... I got to go.

00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,628

So I win. Then I'm in charge,

and you can't leave.

00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,255

You're a terrorist.

You're an enemy of the state,

00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:10,923

and you kicked me in the balls

10 minutes ago!

00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,800

The office of the President

can't coexist

00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,802

with a living god

that won't submit to it...

00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,304

I mean, besides Poseidon.

00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:17,888

But he's locked up

in Area 51 already,

00:18:18,014 --> 00:18:18,889

so that doesn't really count.

00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,766

Mr. President,

I'll make you a deal.

00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,852

If you let me use

your ghetto-ass off-brand

00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:24,645

deficit-tripling teleporter,

00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:27,398

I can go take care of something,

and you'll never see me again.

00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,984

Yes. Deal.

Invisi-troopers, stand down.

00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,152

-[ All groan ]

-Yeah, yeah.

00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,153

I don't want to hear it.

00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,863

You know I could see them

this whole time, right?

00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:35,364

Don't push it, Sanchez.

00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:39,285

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:47,209

He found us!

00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:48,419

I told you

we shouldn't have gone

00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:49,879

to the same cabin

as last time!

00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:52,298

Oh, we're not going anywhere.

This ends now.

00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:56,594

Dad, if you're my dad.

Of course, you're not my dad.

00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:58,554

You're here with a gun

because I am a clone.

00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,222

I guess I have all

your daughter's memories.

00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:03,768

So I guess I was her,

which makes me related to her.

00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:05,102

But I don't relate to her.

00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:09,231

She left her family and me,

which means I relate to them.

00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:11,359

So if you kill me, fine.

You're not killing her.

00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,277

But you're killing

a real family.

00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,696

And instead of doing that,

will you just go away?

00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,448

Aren't there, like,

infinite timelines?

00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,742

Can't you just move to one

where I don't know I'm a clone

00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,952

and where a different

but identical version

00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:24,622

of your authentic

sociopathic crazy bitch

00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,874

of a daughter can keep

making you proud

00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,209

by being somewhere else?

00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,837

Beth, you crazy bitch.

You're my daughter.

00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:33,464

I brought this here

to kill Jerry.

00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,591

-Oh, my God!

-Jesus Christ!

00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,594

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You win, Jerry. You win!

00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,972

No amount of genius can stop

your dumb mediocre vacuous roots

00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,058

from digging into everything

and everyone around you

00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,686

and draining them of

any ability to fend you off.

00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:49,730

Well, it couldn't have been

easy for you to say that.

00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:50,856

I appreciate it.

00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:53,067

Morty, where's my portal gun?

Let's get out of here.

00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,276

I'm staying here, Rick.

00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,028

Are you... Ugh!

00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,321

Nobody gets it.

00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:58,948

Nothing you think matters

matters.

00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:00,157

This isn't special.

00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:01,617

This... This is happening

infinite times

00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:02,785

across infinite realities.

00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,287

Including this?

[ Farts ]

00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,792

Which is not to say that,

subjectively, it wasn't funny.

00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:10,793

Are you going to stay?

00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:12,420

There's infinite

timelines, Morty.

00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,839

Why would I stay in the one

where I trashed the White House,

00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:16,424

became an enemy of America

00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,510

and the lowest-status character

in my idiot family?

00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:23,013

Because of the fart?

00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:24,807

There's still some rubble

over there.

00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,517

I don't think you've

ever understood

00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:29,562

what "Secretary of the Interior"

means!

00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,605

Hi, Mr. President.

I'm Rick Sanchez,

00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,315

but not the one that did this.

00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:36,318

We Ricks travel the infinite and

switch places with each other

00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:37,903

like hermit crabs, I think.

00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,238

I'm Fly Fishing Rick.

00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:40,614

You can distinguish me

from the Rick

00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:41,741

that you had a falling-out with

00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:44,577

by my fly-fishing enthusiasm

and accompanying hat.

00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:45,870

I hope I can be of service

00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:48,038

if, uh, you ever find

the planet to be in danger.

00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:49,039

Friends?

00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:52,918

Sounds good to me.

00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,462

Kids, dinner!

00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:55,838

I got Panda Express!

00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,006

Did you get sugar chicken?

00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,841

That's kind of the only

thing they have.

00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,551

I love Panda E!

Thanks, Mom!

00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:02,762

I'm hoping to get a piece

of your sugar chicken later.

00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:05,055

[ Laughs ] Stop it.

00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:06,974

Here's your [burps]

stupid hat, dipshit.

00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,185

Dad, you can't talk to Jerry

that way anymore.

00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,020

We're a real family now.

00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:13,147

In many ways, things

will be like Season 1

00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,690

but more streamlined.

00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,776

Now Jerry and I are

happily married parents,

00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,319

and the idea

that I was motivated

00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,321

by a fear of you leaving

can be eschewed.

00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:22,490

Eschewed?

You've never used that word.

00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:23,949

Maybe you are a clone.

00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:26,118

[ Laughs ] It's not like

Rick would tell us.

00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:28,287

[ Laughter ]

00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:34,001

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:05,658

Ooh-wee!

What a season!

00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:08,327

Sorry I never showed up,

but I got married.

00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:09,203

I had a baby.

00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:12,498

I went back to school

and got my G-E-E-E-D.

00:22:12,623 --> 00:22:14,875

What did you do

while you were waiting?

00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,629

Hopefully you didn't just fuck

around and waste your life.

00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,172

Ooh-wee!

00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:24,885

See you for Season 4 in,

like, a really long time!

00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:29,098

I might even have

a big white Santa Claus beard

00:22:29,223 --> 00:22:31,267

and... and... and a...

00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:34,311

and a couple of grandkids

00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:36,438

and all that kind of stuff.

00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:38,649

See you... See you then!