Риклантидическая путаница

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Готов, как никогда, Рик.

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О, да что ж, блядь, такое?!

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Привет, я - Рик К-22.

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Это - мой Морти. Мы путешествуем по реальностям

и просим Риков сделать пожертвование фонду реконструкции Цитадели Риков.

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Ты что, тупой? Мы покончили с Цитаделью Риков.

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Я вообще никогда их не поддерживал, поэтому

я убил всё начальство и оставил Цитадель гнить.

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О, так это был ты.

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Сначала они попытались убить его.

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Вот блин. Что ж, у нас хорошие новости -

совета больше нет.

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Он в курсе. Он же их убил.

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Хочешь осадить своего Морти?

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Каждый день.

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Фонд реконструкции Цитадели Риков. Не...

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Морти, он ничего не пожертвует. Ты пытаешься протолкнуть

"Бал Тайной полиции" чернокожему подростку.

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Пойдём.

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Необязательно быть мудаком.

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Ты вроде сам знаешь, что это не так.

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Блин, я не знал, что Рики и Морти

до сих живут в Цитадели.

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Интересно, чем они живут каждый день?

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Продолжай задавать себе этот вопрос, пока нас

ждёт весёлое первое самостоятельное приключение в Атлантиду.

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Любой, кто пытается снова использовать

Цитадель, либо тупой,

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либо один из миллионов заложников

ужасных идей.

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Блин, хорошо, что я не один из них.

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Рик и Морти.

Истории из Цитадели

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Авторы перевода

Женя Спицын и Сарыч

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Утренние новости Цитадели. Новости

о Цитадели с утра.

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Название говорит само за себя.

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Здравствуйте. Я - Рик D716-B.

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А я - Рик D716.

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Здорово, наверное.

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Сегодня в выпуске: перебои гравитации

в Ист Санчез Хайтс.

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А также, становится плохо из-за клеточной матрицы,

работающей на уране?

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Ответ вряд ли вас удивит: "Да".

Это же уран.

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Всё это и другие новости после рекламы.

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В шестидесяти циклах от центральной

конечной кривой

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есть Рик, который больше работает с деревом,

чем над поляризационной обшивкой.

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Его зовут Рик-простак, но он не дурак.

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Очень давно он понял, что его величайшее

творение - это дочь.

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Люблю папочку!

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Мы сняли этот момент и крутим его по кругу

в разуме Рика-простака.

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А вещество, которое заставляет его мозг выделять

секреции

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идёт на производство вафельного печенья Рика-простака

"Простые вафли".

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Прочувствуйте нереальный

вкус вашего собственной завершённости.

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Прочувствуйте Рика-простака.

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Остался день до того, как наша теперь демократическая

Цитадель выберет своего первого президента.

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Гонка довольно однобокая

среди Риков-кандидатов.

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Но ещё один кандидат получит как минимум

один голос за то, что он самый очаровательный.

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Всё верно, кандидат от партии Морти

всё ещё в деле,

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и его уже можно за это любить.

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Вот он машет рукой в своём костюмчике.

Разве не очаровательно?

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Маленький гадёныш.

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Похоже, что у нас есть запись его речи.

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Ой блин, о боже, я проиграю в выборах и всё такое.

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Мы неплохо держались, сэр, но

по-моему, пора выходить из гонки.

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Я чувствую себя довольно уверенно

перед сегодняшними дебатами

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Не стоит, сэр. Вы должны быть в ужасе.

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Возможно, вам стоит немного поверить

в меня, молодой человек.

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Вы не платите мне за веру.

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И мы одного возраста.

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Ой, извини, я ожидал...

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Напарника Рика?

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Урок номер один, новичок: ожидай неожиданного.

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Залезай.

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Морти тоже люди!

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А ну-ка съебал от машины, ты,

ебучее безриковое животное!

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Эти выборы взбудоражили больше жёлтых футболок,

чем Джессика в день фото.

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Довольно жестоко, сэр.

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Ну, так доложи на меня.

Всем поебать.

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Да я просто. Мне немного грустно, что коп Морти

называет других Морти животными.

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Ну, а мне грустно видеть, что очередной коп Рик

поддался на групповую психотерапию.

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Рад узнать, что есть такие, как я.

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Да был один, как думаешь, почему

кресло было пустым?

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Ограбление на пересечении пятой и авеню.

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Пятая? Это же Морти-таун.

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Патруль 7 уже в пути.

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Хорошая мысль, Рик.

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Хорошая мысль, Рик.

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Это отличное приключение.

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Это отличное приключение.

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Мне нравится быть твоим новым Морти.

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Мне нравится быть твоим новым пердорти!

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Очень смешно, мистер Смит.

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Почти также смешно, как тот случай, когда

твоего Рика обезглавили на Зорпантеоне-9.

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Или это был твой третий Рик?

Сколько у тебя вообще было Риков?

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Пять.

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Понятно. Ты и правда кое в чём лучший в классе.

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Завтра вас передадут вашим новым Рикам.

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Надеюсь, они станут вашими последними.

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Да, отсталый Ри...

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Высокий Морти?

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А я выпшусился на этот раз?

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Всё может быть, высокий Морти.

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Вряд ли мы увидимся после всего этого.

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Предлагаю провести последний день с пользой.

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Предлагаю... пойти к порталу желаний.

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Это миф.

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Это не миф.

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Четвёртый Морти моего первого Рика

знал, чей Морти туда ходил.

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Если мы здесь не ради выпуска, то наши

задницы окажутся в Морти-тауне.

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Я думал, что твой последний Рик объединил тебя

с ящером, а не с цыплёнком.

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Ладно, я в деле.

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Я тоже.

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Какого чёрта?

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Я вроде как муху увидел.

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Послушайте, распиздяи.

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Я был вашим супервайзером пять лет,

но всё херовое когда-то кончается,

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и вот меня повысили до регионального менеджера.

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Я чувствую то же самое, возможно,

мы больше никогда не увидимся.

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Правда теперь вакансия супервайзера

открыта, так что...

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Начиная со следующей недели вы будете

вылизывать задницу...

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К-83, которого с признательносью называют Крутым Риком.

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Да, я новенький в Цитадели, и кто-то из вас

может подумать, что я ещё зелёный,

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но что тут скажешь?

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Я крутой Рик!

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Йоу, зацените, какой я.

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Ладно, болваны, есть вопросы?

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Отлично, тогда за работу, вы, золотые добрикчики.

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Без Риков, без семей, охреневшие и неуправляемые.

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Из Морти воспитывают прихлебал.

Но когда прихлёбывать не с кого,

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они начинают просто давать по ебалу.

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Они были моего роста, им было

где-то по четырнадцать лет.

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О, они были в жёлтых футболках.

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Обязательно это запиши.

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Были какие-нибудь мутации, модификации?

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Три глаза, хвост, может стрижка под "ёжик"?

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Нет, просто четыре нормальных Морти.

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Нормальных?

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Напиши об этом в блоге.

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Надо кое-что прочесать.

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О, блин, привет, чем заняты, ребята?

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О, блин, чувак, да ничем, чувак,

просто зависаем и всё такое.

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Я понял, о, блин, я должен разобраться, кто

ограбил магазин на той стороне улицы,

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но, блин, я не знаю.

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О, блин, чувак, отстойно, что Рик

заставляет тебя этим заниматься.

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Он не мой Рик, он - мой напарник.

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О, блин.

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Ну, наверное, форма оказывает большое влияние.

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Откуда мне знать? Как по мне...

то ты похож на прихлебателя.

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Назови меня прихлебателем ещё раз!

Назови меня прихлебате.лем!

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Чувак, хорош, о, блин!

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Хотите увидеть, как я покрашу стену?

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Это были Безумцы Морти-тауна, чувак.

Безумцы Морти-тауна.

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Ты в курсе, сколько положений кодекса

только что нарушил?

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О, блин, Рик, да что я могу знать

о том, что знаю?

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Пиздуй в тачку.

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Больше лазеров.

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Если хотите, что можете потратить больше

времени на ответ.

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Ладно, Рик-жонглёр,

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как бы Вы разрешили финансовый кризис Цитадели?

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Для начала я хотел бы сказать, что эта Цитадель -

самая лучшая во всей мультивселенной.

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Итак, я думаю, что ответ на Ваш вопрос

состоит из трёх частей.

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Во-первых, затраты на образование должны

быть намного выше.

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Но их нужно сбалансировать с обороной.

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Проверьте эти факты, будьте добры.

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Хотя ладно, кого я обманываю?

Гонка окончена.

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Вот так нужно управлять Цитаделью.

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Кандидат Морти, число Морти-одиночек

стремительно растёт,

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в то время, как уровень удовлетворённости

Риков падает,

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а раскола между двумя группами не было шире.

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Быстро решите эту проблему.

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Я не вижу раскола между Риками и Морти.

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Не может быть!

00:08:13,830 --> 00:08:15,210

У меня есть встречный аргумент.

00:08:15,850 --> 00:08:18,350

Господа, господа, думаю, мы можем согласиться

в одном.

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Получилось не одно, а два, но суть вы поняли.

00:08:22,620 --> 00:08:23,490

Вы закончили?

00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:28,800

Я вижу раскол между Риками и Морти, которые

хотят, чтобы этот раскол имел место быть,

00:08:29,230 --> 00:08:30,090

и нами.

00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,040

Я вижу это повсюду.

00:08:33,390 --> 00:08:38,310

Я вижу это в школах, где Морти учат быть одинаковыми,

потому что им угрожают тем, что делает нас уникальными.

00:08:38,650 --> 00:08:41,480

Я вижу это на улицах, где Морти выдают пистолеты,

00:08:41,710 --> 00:08:44,780

чтобы мы были заняты борьбой друг с другом,

а не борьбой с настоящей несправедливостью.

00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:49,180

Я вижу это на фабриках, где Рики работают

за гроши по сравнению с зарплатой босса,

00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,780

хотя они такие же и с таким же

уровнем интеллекта.

00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,610

Проблема Цитадели не в бездомных Морти

и разгневанных Риках.

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Проблема Цитадели в том, что Рики и Морти живут

за счёт её смерти.

00:09:04,350 --> 00:09:04,890

Пиздец.

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Он направился во вкусовое ядро!

00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,340

Но я хочу сказать им пару слов.

00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:12,630

От Риков и Морти, которые поддерживают

в ней жизнь,

00:09:13,510 --> 00:09:14,410

пара слов

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от Риков и Морти, которые верят в Цитадель,

00:09:19,140 --> 00:09:21,460

тем Рикам и Морти, которые не верят.

00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:24,160

Вы в меньшинстве.

00:09:29,950 --> 00:09:31,170

Охренеть.

00:09:32,950 --> 00:09:35,380

Не могу поверить. Я не верю.

00:09:35,410 --> 00:09:37,270

Знаю. Поэтому ты уволен.

00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:43,680

Похоже, что тебе нужна работа. Могу предложить

очень заманчивую зарплату.

00:09:43,790 --> 00:09:45,670

Но сначала поговорим о льготах.

00:09:46,450 --> 00:09:47,680

Папочка любит тебя.

00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:49,630

Ты папина дочурка.

00:09:49,650 --> 00:09:52,040

Твоя жизнь - ложь, чувак.

Все ваши жизни - ложь.

00:09:52,060 --> 00:09:54,760

Вы не поняли? Они сказали, что мы особенные,

потому что мы - Рики,

00:09:54,810 --> 00:09:56,890

но потом забрали всё, что делало нас уникальными.

00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,840

Мы тебя понимаем. Мы такие же работяги Рики,

как ты,

00:09:59,870 --> 00:10:01,490

только наш конвеер - это правосудие.

00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:02,750

Каковы твои требования?

00:10:02,780 --> 00:10:05,720

М-мне нужна портальная пушка, незарегистрированная,

которую невозможно отследить,

00:10:05,740 --> 00:10:08,380

с достаточным количеством жидкости,

чтобы вытащить меня из этой чёртовой тюрьмы!

00:10:08,820 --> 00:10:09,910

Там пресса снаружи.

00:10:09,930 --> 00:10:11,040

Так не впускай их.

00:10:11,230 --> 00:10:14,060

В общем, да, подозреваемый говорит,

что Цитадель - это ложь,

00:10:14,140 --> 00:10:15,930

что она построена на лжи, и прочую херню.

00:10:16,010 --> 00:10:19,800

Хочу сказать, что нужно ценить то, что имеешь,

потому что жизнь всегда может быть хуже.

00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:20,720

Слово вам, Рики.

00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:23,730

Спасибо, Рик D0716-C.

Какой же выблядок.

00:10:23,750 --> 00:10:24,430

И не говори.

00:10:24,460 --> 00:10:27,490

Тем временем выборы приняли неожиданный

оборот,

00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,890

когда голоса за Морти из партии Морти

взлетели до небес.

00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,450

Морти, Морти, Морти, "Рик Таймс".

00:10:32,470 --> 00:10:32,980

Да.

00:10:33,010 --> 00:10:35,390

Морти, из какой Вы реальности

и где Ваш Рик?

00:10:35,420 --> 00:10:38,460

Боже, мы так много путешествовали, что уже

и не вспомнить.

00:10:38,490 --> 00:10:41,950

В каждом Рике я вижу своего Рика, надеюсь,

что они видят во мне своего Морти.

00:10:42,930 --> 00:10:44,760

Можно повторить, только воды меньше?

00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:47,770

Взбодрись, приятель. Морти станет

президентом.

00:10:48,010 --> 00:10:51,000

Представь, как эту мордашку начнут винить во всём.

00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,570

Наверное, надо было больше верить.

00:10:52,710 --> 00:10:55,320

Тебе нужна не вера, а страх.

00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:58,320

Что это?

00:10:59,130 --> 00:11:00,190

Секреты.

00:11:00,550 --> 00:11:02,830

А что это по-твоему? Посмотри,

во что я одет.

00:11:02,860 --> 00:11:05,560

Взяв всю систему на прицел, вы боитесь

за свою безопасноть?

00:11:05,580 --> 00:11:07,230

Лучше я буду жить с надеждой, чем в страхе.

00:11:07,350 --> 00:11:10,540

Если придётся чего-то бояться, то я бы

боялся, что другим людям страшно.

00:11:10,710 --> 00:11:12,010

Что их пугает сам страх.

00:11:12,110 --> 00:11:13,800

Но нет, я не боюсь.

00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,350

Эй, Рик, чувак, когда Морти станет президентом,

ты отлижешь мне яйца или чё?

00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:21,360

Блин, внучок, пока ты позволяешь мне чистить скрёбвоньки

и забирать шип-шипки,

00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:23,030

я буду лизать всё, что не прибито к полу.

00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:25,400

Руки вверх!

00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:27,310

Что за хрень, чувак? Что за херня нахрен?

00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:29,760

Что, ребята, делаете домашку по химии с дедушкой?

00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:30,850

Это то, о чём я подумал?

00:11:30,870 --> 00:11:32,150

Палёная портальная жидкость.

00:11:36,910 --> 00:11:38,360

Похоже, в расчётах ошибся.

00:11:38,390 --> 00:11:39,720

Обыщи это место.

00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:47,250

Т-ты мой новый Рик?

00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:48,440

Всё нормально, Морти.

00:11:54,910 --> 00:11:55,690

Господи.

00:11:55,830 --> 00:11:57,780

Он пырнул меня. Хорошенько приложился.

00:11:57,810 --> 00:11:59,190

Всё нормально, жить будешь.

00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:02,270

Ты был прав. Всё, чему меня учили в академии...

00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:04,840

Не важно. Нет ничего плохого, если немного веришь в Морти.

00:12:05,340 --> 00:12:06,700

Нужно лишь выбрать верного.

00:12:07,290 --> 00:12:08,630

Почему тут стоит колыбель?

00:12:08,740 --> 00:12:10,800

Такими вещами они занимаются.

Чтобы тебе стало хуже.

00:12:11,270 --> 00:12:13,220

Блин, бумажной работы будет по самое не балуйся.

00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:14,830

Сходи за аптечкой в машине.

00:12:15,090 --> 00:12:16,210

А с этими я разберусь.

00:12:23,820 --> 00:12:24,750

Что случилось?

00:12:24,780 --> 00:12:25,850

То же, что и всегда.

00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:27,610

Морти убивают Морти.

00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:32,950

Почти...

00:12:33,550 --> 00:12:34,270

...дотянулся.

00:12:34,930 --> 00:12:37,750

Эй, а ну-ка руки прочь от моих

драных мегафруктов!

00:12:38,740 --> 00:12:39,660

Взять их, мальчик!

00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:43,130

Я не для того ношу эту грёбаную шляпу и

придерживаюсь деревенского образа,

00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,500

чтобы вы бесплатно ели, пока

не достигли совершеннолетия.

00:12:45,790 --> 00:12:48,660

Держу пари, что портал желаний ведёт

в реальность, где... все...

00:12:48,860 --> 00:12:51,070

Где живут гренки с сисями.

00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:54,310

А я думаю, что он ведёт в место, где полно

му... мух.

00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:56,190

А я думаю, он никуда не ведёт.

00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:59,250

Наверняка, это просто дыра, куда вся Цитадель

выбрасывает свои несбывшиеся надежды.

00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,240

Пижон, почему ты так драматизируешь?

00:13:01,450 --> 00:13:03,490

Хочешь знать почему?

Из-за этого.

00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:07,090

Я - один из экспериментальных Морти

с имплантированной драмой.

00:13:07,140 --> 00:13:10,570

Как думаешь, каково это, Толстый Морти, знать,

что куда бы ты ни пошёл,

00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:14,320

именно из-за меня все будут чувствовать

грусть и немного скуки.

00:13:14,350 --> 00:13:16,600

Пижон, имплантат не делает тебя тем,

кто ты есть.

00:13:16,940 --> 00:13:18,680

Ты ещё рукава подворачиваешь.

00:13:19,410 --> 00:13:21,530

Я думал, что я - Морти-левша.

00:13:21,870 --> 00:13:24,270

Тогда пользуйся левой рукой,

чтобы есть побольше овощей.

00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:25,930

Здравствуйте. Как дела?

00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:26,950

Рад познакомиться.

00:13:26,970 --> 00:13:29,190

Я - сантехник, сэр. Я - Рик, и я сантехник.

00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:32,540

Это не похоже на работу для Рика. Вы же не пришли

в Цитадель, чтобы работать сантехником, не так ли?

00:13:32,570 --> 00:13:33,960

Это верно, сэр.

00:13:33,990 --> 00:13:37,240

Мистер Морти, мистер Морти, я клонировал себя,

чтобы вы могли поцеловать меня в виде ребёнка!

00:13:37,260 --> 00:13:38,850

Он прямо как ребёнок Морти.

00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,740

Эй... ты нашёл новую работу?

00:13:43,770 --> 00:13:46,120

Да, нашёл. Я работаю твоим убийцей.

00:13:48,650 --> 00:13:49,310

В порядке...

00:13:49,850 --> 00:13:50,930

Я в порядке, я...

00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,890

О, блин, о, боже.

00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,550

Вам бы не помешало повеселиться.

00:14:02,660 --> 00:14:04,890

Один танец за десятку,

два за двадцать пять.

00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,650

Нет, спасибо. И ты считать не умеешь.

00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:09,340

Да, как же весело!

00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:10,420

Что это за место?

00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:11,590

Жуткий Морти.

00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:14,790

Как там обычно говорят Рики?

Не бери в голову.

00:14:14,990 --> 00:14:17,450

Пойдём, я хочу, чтобы ты познакомился

с важным человеком.

00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:19,190

Дорогой!

00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,870

Как идут дела с Безумцами Морти-тауна?

00:14:21,890 --> 00:14:25,120

С ними произошёл несчатный случай.

Больше от них не будет проблем.

00:14:25,190 --> 00:14:26,950

Это были плохие Морти.

00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,730

Очень плохие Морти.

00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,090

Большой Морти жертвует деньги, чтобы

поддерживать мир в Морти-тауне.

00:14:33,110 --> 00:14:36,980

Можешь считать его наркобароном, а нас

копами в его штате.

00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:37,360

Морти.

00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:38,550

Какой Морти?

00:14:38,730 --> 00:14:39,670

М-мой напарник.

00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,070

Морти, ты прав. Морти-таун - плохое место,

00:14:42,170 --> 00:14:44,060

но это не значит, что мы тоже должны быть плохими.

00:14:44,090 --> 00:14:46,020

Эй, что за дела, Морти?

00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:46,910

Какой Морти?

00:14:46,930 --> 00:14:48,270

Коп, олухи.

00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,750

Не волнуйся насчёт Рика, Морти.

Он новенький.

00:14:50,770 --> 00:14:52,930

Он ещё не понимает, как всё работает.

00:14:52,950 --> 00:14:55,320

Тоже самое ты говорил о своём последнем напарнике.

00:14:56,390 --> 00:14:58,400

Зачем ты говоришь такое, Большой Морти?

00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:00,570

Ты делаешь хуёво нам обоим.

00:15:00,590 --> 00:15:03,540

Неверно. Это он сделает хуёво вам обоим,

00:15:03,890 --> 00:15:05,860

если не возьмёт деньги.

00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,640

Большой Морти, ты арестован.

00:15:08,870 --> 00:15:10,920

С... самый умный человек в галактике.

00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,400

Это реквизит!

Пр... просто реквизит!

00:15:21,660 --> 00:15:23,040

Сейчас-то ты не такой большой, да?

00:15:23,180 --> 00:15:25,020

Я и не был!

Это ж метафора!

00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:25,740

Достаточно.

00:15:25,940 --> 00:15:27,180

Если оставим его в живых, то он расколется.

00:15:27,210 --> 00:15:28,810

Не оставишь, и расколюсь я.

00:15:28,950 --> 00:15:30,030

О... одно то я точно знаю,

00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,700

Ковбой Морти точно не проболтается,

не беспокойтесь.

00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,970

Пора этому ковбойчику волочить отсюда ноги.

00:15:36,230 --> 00:15:38,230

Ты говорил мне довериться

верному Морти.

00:15:38,310 --> 00:15:39,850

Я в тебя верю, напарник.

00:15:40,020 --> 00:15:41,170

Поступи правильно.

00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:44,150

Деда Рик,

00:15:44,170 --> 00:15:46,170

Я-я не хочу больше

работать в Цитадели.

00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,850

Я хочу жить, как обычный ребёнок.

00:15:47,950 --> 00:15:50,930

Я-я хочу ходить в школу, бросать мяч

и мастурбировать.

00:15:59,830 --> 00:16:01,020

Какого чёрта там произошло?

00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,450

То же, что и всегда.

00:16:02,690 --> 00:16:04,170

Рики убивают Морти.

00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,190

Так, чувак, всё готово.

Мы принесли пушку.

00:16:13,380 --> 00:16:14,680

Что за хрень он удумал?

00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,690

Агх... Где... где это я?

00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,190

В плохом месте, но скоро окажешься в хорошем.

00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:20,380

Эй! Эй!

00:16:21,540 --> 00:16:22,390

Нет, нет, нет, нет...

00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:24,700

Мать твою!

00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,490

Портал во вселенную блендеров?!

00:16:26,510 --> 00:16:27,850

Самая древняя уловка!

00:16:27,970 --> 00:16:30,180

Я же Рик!

Во мне Рика больше, чем в любом из вас!

00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,520

Тогда ты знаешь, что ты только что

убил своё единственное преимущество.

00:16:32,550 --> 00:16:34,130

Ну так попробуйте достать меня, уёбки!

00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,620

Притормозите!

Я Рик Ди. Санчез Третий,

00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:43,560

владелец этого самого

вафельного предприятия,

00:16:43,590 --> 00:16:45,500

и тот самый Рик прав,

скажу я вам.

00:16:45,570 --> 00:16:47,300

В нём больше Рика, чем в любом из вас.

00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:48,250

Он террорист!

00:16:48,270 --> 00:16:49,480

А какой Рик - нет?

00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:52,740

Цитадель была основана Риками для Риков и их свободы!

00:16:52,770 --> 00:16:54,150

Молодой человек, как вас зовут?

00:16:54,170 --> 00:16:55,180

Рик. И мне...

00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,430

Столько же, сколько и мне, знаю.

00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:57,670

Давно вы здесь работаете?

00:16:57,700 --> 00:16:58,510

Пятнадцать лет.

00:16:58,540 --> 00:17:00,220

Что же с нами стало?

00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,870

Сколько бы вы не дали ему, он своё отслужил.

00:17:02,890 --> 00:17:03,780

Покончим же с этим.

00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:05,010

Пойдём со мной, дружище.

00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:05,810

Куда?

00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:06,990

В твою новую жизнь.

00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:09,670

А начнём мы с того, что съебнём отсюда подальше.

00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:11,220

Йоу, J-22, задай им жару!

00:17:14,010 --> 00:17:18,730

Есть такой Рик, который захватил заложника на фабрике,

а потом убил своего босса и нескольких коллег.

00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:22,430

На фабрике печенья со вкусом лжи.

00:17:22,970 --> 00:17:25,110

Он заставил всех нас задуматься.

00:17:25,140 --> 00:17:27,750

И взамен он получил незабываемый вкус

настоящей свободы.

00:17:29,660 --> 00:17:31,170

И мы сохранили этот вкус,

00:17:31,210 --> 00:17:34,500

чтобы передать его ему, а он в свою очередь

передаст его вам

00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,500

в каждом кусочке новых

"Отборных вафель свободы Простака Рика".

00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:41,940

Прочувствуйте всю палитру вкуса

разбитых надежд.

00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,360

Прочувствуйте "Простака Рика".

00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:46,940

Так это не сказки.

00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:49,670

После вас.

00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,270

Вот и он.

Портал желаний.

00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:02,660

Говорят, чтобы желание сбылось,

нужно пожертвовать чем-то действительно важным.

00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:05,720

Для меня - это мой панини гриль.

00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,290

Желаю кучу сэндвичей.

00:18:08,310 --> 00:18:10,240

И да, я уловил иронию.

00:18:10,270 --> 00:18:13,710

Кажись, мне остаётся пожелать что-то покруче

этой дебильной сёрферской феньки.

00:18:14,250 --> 00:18:17,300

Желаю, чтобы инцест-порнушка стала...

популярнее среди более широкой публики.

00:18:17,540 --> 00:18:18,600

Э... это для друга.

00:18:19,130 --> 00:18:20,910

Вы же понимаете, что ничего не сбудется?

00:18:21,430 --> 00:18:23,120

Желаниям Морти не суждено стать явью.

00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:24,700

Не в Цитадели.

00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,230

Тогда почему ты привёл нас сюда?

00:18:26,310 --> 00:18:27,740

Потому что надеялся, что это изменится.

00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,280

Что-нибудь в этой жизни.

Хоть какие-нибудь перемены.

00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:33,090

Что ж, надеюсь, для такого ты пожертвуешь

чем-то охрененно важным.

00:18:33,410 --> 00:18:34,370

И я.

00:18:35,110 --> 00:18:35,970

Но это вряд ли.

00:18:36,940 --> 00:18:38,450

-Нееееет!

-Пижоооон!

00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,800

М... может...

Может сейчас он в лучшем мире.

00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:45,470

Утилизация отходов.

00:18:45,580 --> 00:18:47,150

Будьте осторожны.

00:18:52,140 --> 00:18:53,090

Его нужно было остановить.

00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:55,590

Не... нельзя...

Я не мог дать ему победить.

00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:57,630

Тогда тебе стоило точнее целиться, бро.

00:18:57,660 --> 00:19:00,050

Он выжил? Нет, нет, нет.

Выслушайте меня.

00:19:00,070 --> 00:19:00,990

Я работал на него.

00:19:01,020 --> 00:19:02,460

Я руководил предвыборной кампанией.

00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,550

Этот Морти не тот, за кого себя выдаёт.

00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:07,190

Ну, да. Ещё ни один Морти

не выдавал себя за президента.

00:19:07,210 --> 00:19:09,080

-Он... выиграл?

-Ага.

00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,400

Это был полный отрыв.

00:19:11,430 --> 00:19:13,150

Не сказал бы, что это полный отрыв.

00:19:13,180 --> 00:19:15,040

Там чуть ли не дошло до пересчета голосов.

00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:17,370

Боже. Ты тоже в Ха-ха-хранника решил поиграть?

00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:19,550

Почему я ещё здесь?

00:19:19,570 --> 00:19:21,070

Я слышал, он во всём сознался.

00:19:21,090 --> 00:19:23,120

Твоё дело пересмотрели.

Ты свободен.

00:19:23,140 --> 00:19:26,020

Но... Я нарушил как минимум десяток

положений ведомственного кодекса.

00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,690

Новое ведомство. Новые кодексы.

00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:29,170

Новая Цитадель.

00:19:30,090 --> 00:19:31,690

Мы пропустили выпускной?

00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:32,700

Где новые Рики?

00:19:32,730 --> 00:19:34,370

Ни выпускного.

Ни Риков.

00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,000

-У школы новый учебный план.

-Какой?

00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:38,670

Я знать не знаю, да мне и не обязательно.

00:19:38,690 --> 00:19:39,440

Меня уволили.

00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:40,750

Удачи, говнюки.

00:19:40,770 --> 00:19:43,440

Нихрена ж себе.

Желание Пижона сбылось.

00:19:45,510 --> 00:19:48,190

Простите за опоздание, Мистер Президент.

Разбирался с проблемами на работе.

00:19:48,210 --> 00:19:49,050

Стоило того!

00:19:49,790 --> 00:19:50,880

Ничего страшного.

00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,340

Уберите верхушку, пожалуйста.

00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:55,000

Так что ты там говорил,

Рик швейного квартала?

00:19:55,170 --> 00:19:59,760

Мы говорили о том, "Президент" Морти, что

нам всё равно, кто сидит в этом кресле.

00:19:59,780 --> 00:20:01,620

Что Рик, что Морти, даже грёбаный Джерри...

00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:02,410

Никакой разницы.

00:20:02,430 --> 00:20:06,580

Здесь наше слово было законом ещё до Совета Риков,

и вскоре ты поймешь, что так оно и есть и по сей день.

00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:08,790

Он на самом деле говорит от лица всех присутствующих?

00:20:08,820 --> 00:20:09,450

-Мм.

-Ага.

00:20:09,470 --> 00:20:11,060

Что ж, думаю нужно раставить точки над и.

00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,100

Поднимите руки, если вы с ним солидарны.

00:20:18,450 --> 00:20:20,310

До... достаточно убрано с верхушки?

00:20:20,340 --> 00:20:22,700

Даже не знаю.

Достаточно ли?

00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,340

-Да, да, да, мать твою, да!

-Всё просто зашибись!

00:20:24,370 --> 00:20:25,090

Прекрасно.

00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:31,340

Нет более подходящего момента для выпивки

и для зловещей расчётливой речи, от которой душа уходит в пятки.

00:20:32,450 --> 00:20:33,860

Речи о политике...

00:20:35,220 --> 00:20:36,480

О порядке...

00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:38,310

Братстве...

00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:40,020

Власти.

00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:42,280

Но речи - удел агитаторов.

00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,790

Настало время для тех, кто действует.

00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,650

Уху! Ха-ха-ха! Да!

00:21:45,670 --> 00:21:47,920

-Атлантида, крошка!

-Это было офигенно!

00:21:47,950 --> 00:21:49,460

Ты подцепил ту русалочку.

00:21:49,490 --> 00:21:51,950

Я очень надеюсь, что это было не на один раз, и мы ещё встретимся.

00:21:51,970 --> 00:21:56,200

Кстати, слушай, эм... Тебе ведь интересно,

во что вылилась эта история с Цитаделью?

00:21:56,220 --> 00:21:57,330

Пффф. Ни капельки, Морти.

00:21:57,350 --> 00:22:00,380

Эта дыра больше никак не повлияет на наши жизни.

00:22:00,410 --> 00:22:02,780

-В отличие от той Русалки! Даааа!

-Уууууу!

00:22:02,810 --> 00:22:05,970

Мы туда ещё вернемся!

Да мы каждую неделю будем там отрываться, чел!

00:22:05,990 --> 00:22:07,680

-Атлантидааа!

00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,214

to the Lost City of Atlantis?

00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:06,590

Ready as I'll ever be, Rick.

00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:08,550

-[ Portal opens ]

-Oh, for fuck's sake.

00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:11,053

Hello. I'm Rick K-22.

This is my Morty.

00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,804

We're going from

reality to reality

00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:14,223

asking Ricks to contribute

00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,934

to the Citadel of Ricks

Redevelopment Fund.

00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:17,935

What are you, stupid?

00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:19,520

We're done with

the Citadel of Ricks.

00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:21,772

I was [burps] never on board

with it in the first place.

00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:24,066

That's why I murdered everyone

in charge and left it to rot.

00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,151

Oh, that was you.

00:00:26,276 --> 00:00:28,695

-They tried to murder him first.

-Aw, geez.

00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:31,406

Well, you'll be happy to know

that the council's gone now.

00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,158

Yeah, he knows.

He murdered them.

00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,410

-You want to rein in your Morty?

-Every day.

00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,454

The Citadel of Ricks

Redevelopment Fund donates...

00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,623

Morty, he's not gonna

[burps] donate.

00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,124

You're pitching

the Policeman's Ball

00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:42,584

to a black teenager here.

00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,211

-Let's go.

-You don't have to be a dick.

00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:45,837

I think you know

that's not true.

00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:47,798

Geez. I didn't know there were

still Ricks and Mortys

00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:48,799

living on the Citadel.

00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:50,467

I wonder what their

day-to-day lives are like.

00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:51,552

Well, you can keep

wondering that

00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:52,636

while we go on a fun, fresh,

00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,846

self-contained adventure

to Atlantis.

00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:57,975

Anyone continuing to explore

the Citadel is either stupid

00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,268

or one of

the unfortunate millions

00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,144

held hostage

by their terrible ideas.

00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,355

Man, I'm glad

I'm not one of them!

00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:08,860

♪ Somewhere out on

that horizon ♪

00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:14,658

♪ Out beyond the neon lights ♪

00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:21,081

♪ I know there must be

somethin' better ♪

00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:26,795

♪ But there's nowhere else

in sight ♪

00:01:28,964 --> 00:01:32,217

♪ It's survival in the city ♪

00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:38,015

♪ When you live

from day to day ♪

00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:44,062

♪ City streets

don't have much pity ♪

00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:50,986

♪ When you're down,

that's where you'll stay ♪

00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,613

ANNOUNCER RICK:

Citadel Morning News.

00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:54,364

News about the Citadel

in the morning,

00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:55,866

pretty self-explanatory.

00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,909

Good morning.

I'm Rick D-716B.

00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,454

-And I'm Rick D-716.

-Must be nice.

00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,873

Coming up, gravity outages

in East Sanchez Heights.

00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,916

And is your uranium-powered

cellular matrix

00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,084

making you sick?

00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:07,878

The answer may not surprise you.

00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,755

It's... Yes, it's uranium.

00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,090

Those stories and more

after this break.

00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:15,552

SAM ELLIOT: 60 iterations

off the central finite curve,

00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,471

there's a Rick

that works more with wood

00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,222

than polarity plating.

00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:22,392

His name is Simple Rick,

but he's no dummy.

00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:23,935

He realized long ago

00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,979

that the greatest thing

he'd ever create

00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,230

was his daughter.

00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,398

I love Daddy!

00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:29,691

SAM ELLIOT:

We captured that moment.

00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:32,277

We run it on a loop

through Simple Rick's mind,

00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,404

and the chemical

it makes his brain secrete

00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:37,616

goes into every Simple Rick's

"Simple Wafers" Wafer Cookie.

00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:39,534

Come home to

the impossible flavor

00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,078

of your own completion.

00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:43,121

Come home to Simple Rick's.

00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,999

Just one day remains before

our newly democratic Citadel

00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,668

elects its first President.

00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:50,087

It's anyone's race

among the Rick candidates.

00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,838

But a certain other candidate

should be getting

00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:54,299

at least one vote

for most adorable.

00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:57,177

That's right. The Morty party

candidate's still in the race,

00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,137

and you just gotta

love him for that.

00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:01,056

RICK D-716: Here you see him

in his little Morty suit waving.

00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,266

RICK D-716B: Isn't that

adorable? Little jackass.

00:03:03,392 --> 00:03:04,518

RICK D-716: Uh, yeah,

I think we actually have

00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,103

the audio for his speech here.

00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:07,396

"Aw, geez. Aw, man.

00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,106

I'm gonna lose the election

and stuff."

00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:11,191

[ Both laugh ]

00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:12,442

We had a good run, sir,

00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,653

but I think it's time

to pull out of the race.

00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,780

I feel pretty confident

about tonight's debate.

00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:19,491

You shouldn't, sir.

You should be terrified.

00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,618

Maybe you should find

a little faith, young man.

00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:24,121

You don't pay me to have faith.

00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:25,789

And we're the same age!

00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,916

[ All cheering ]

00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,423

-Aah!

-Whoa!

00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,635

Oh. Sorry.

I-I was expecting...

00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:39,636

A Rick partner?

00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:42,180

Lesson one, rookie,

expect the unexpected.

00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,640

Now, get in.

00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:46,977

Mortys are human!

00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,479

Get the fuck off the car,

you Rickless fuckin' animal!

00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:50,647

-Whoa!

-MORTY COP: The election's

00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,232

got these yellow shirts

more riled up

00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:53,650

than a picture-day Jessica.

00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:54,985

That's pretty harsh, sir.

00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:56,653

So report me.

Nobody gives a fuck.

00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,238

Look, I'm just saying,

it makes me a little sad

00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,449

to hear a Morty cop

calling Mortys animals.

00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,325

Well, it makes me sad

to hear another Rick cop

00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,119

buying into his

sensitivity training.

00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,704

Well, I'm glad to know

there's more like me.

00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:06,830

Oh, there was one.

00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:09,291

Why do you think that seat

was empty?

00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,626

RICK DISPATCH: Robbery at Fifth

and [belches] Avenue.

00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,712

Fifth and [belches]

That's Morty Town.

00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:14,713

Unit seven responding.

00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:16,131

-[ Zaps ]

-Ohh!

00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,341

[ Siren wailing ]

00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:19,885

RICK TEACHER:

Good idea, Rick.

00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,344

ALL MORTY STUDENTS:

Good idea, Rick.

00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:23,096

This is a great adventure.

00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:25,015

ALL:

This is a great adventure.

00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:27,225

RICK TEACHER:

I love being your new Morty.

00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,685

ALL:

I love being your new Mor...

00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:30,270

-Farty.

-[ Laughter ]

00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,189

Very amusing, Mr. Smith.

00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,191

Almost as amusing as

when your first Rick

00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,610

was decapitated on

Zorpantheon Nine.

00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:39,613

Or was that your third Rick?

How many Ricks have you had?

00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,114

-Five.

-I see.

00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,742

So you are top of the class

in something.

00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,077

Tomorrow you'll be transferred

to your new Ricks.

00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,163

Hopefully

they will be your last.

00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,207

Yes, Slow Ri...

Tall Morty?

00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:52,959

Di... Did I gradgitate

this time yet?

00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:54,795

Anything's possible, Tall Morty.

00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:55,879

-[ Groans ]

-[ Laughter ]

00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,006

[ Bell rings ]

00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:01,218

I guess we won't be seeing

each other after this, huh?

00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,386

I say we make

our last day count.

00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,764

I say...we go to

the Wishing Portal.

00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,682

-That's a myth.

-It's not a myth.

00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,351

My first Rick's fourth Morty

00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:10,811

knew a Rick

whose Morty went there.

00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,562

If we're not here

for graduation,

00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:14,147

our butts are gonna wind up

in Morty Town.

00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:16,358

I thought your last Rick

fused you with a lizard,

00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,484

not a chicken.

00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:18,944

Okay, fine. I'm in.

00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,320

Me too.

00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:23,949

-What the hell?!

-I thought I saw a fly.

00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,082

[ Alarm blaring ]

00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,750

SUPERVISOR RICK:

[ Whistles ]

00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,126

Listen up, fuck nuts.

00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:36,920

I've been your supervisor

for five years,

00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,839

but all shitty things

must come to an end,

00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:41,258

and I have been promoted

to regional manager.

00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:42,133

[ Mock cheering ]

00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,594

Yeah, I feel the same way.

May be never meet again.

00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:45,595

Of course, that makes

00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,138

the position of supervisor

available,

00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,766

so, as of next week,

the ass you'll be kissing

00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,309

will be that of...

00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:53,895

K-83, affectionately

known as Cool Rick.

00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,231

-[ All grumbling ]

-I know I'm new to the Citadel,

00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,400

and some of you might not think

I put in my time,

00:05:58,525 --> 00:05:59,818

but what can I say?

00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:01,027

I'm Cool Rick!

00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:02,821

Yo! Ha! Ha!

Check me out!

00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:04,906

All right knuckle[burps]heads,

any questions?

00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,994

All right, then, back to work,

you gold rickers.

00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:14,040

[ Hip-hop music plays ]

00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,796

No Ricks, no families,

00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:22,173

high off their asses,

and running amuck.

00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:24,217

Mortys are raised

to be Sidekicks.

00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:27,095

Without a side to kick,

they just start kicking.

00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,639

They were...

They were about my height,

00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:31,182

around 14 years old.

00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,559

Oh, their... their shirts

were yellow!

00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,144

Yeah, make sure

you get that down.

00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,062

Any mutations, augmentations?

00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:38,189

Uh, three eyes? A tail?

Maybe a buzz cut?

00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:39,733

No.

Just four normal Mortys.

00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,651

-Normal?

-Put it in your blog.

00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:43,320

Let me turn over a few rocks.

00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:46,323

Aw, geez.

Hey, what's goin' on, fellas?

00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:47,699

Aw, geez, man.

Nothing, man.

00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,034

We're just hanging out

and stuff.

00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,243

I hear that

Aw, geez.

00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:51,620

I guess I'm supposed to be

figurin' out

00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,038

who robbed the store

across the street.

00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,748

But, aw, geez, I don't know.

00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:55,999

Aw, geez man, that sucks

00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:57,417

that your Rick's

making you do that.

00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,753

He's not my Rick.

He's my partner.

00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,171

Aw, geez.

00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,423

Well, maybe the uniform

makes a big difference.

00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:04,716

Who am I to say?

00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:07,218

To me, you just look

like a sidekick.

00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,095

Call me a sidekick

one more time!

00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,722

-Call me a sidekick!

-Hey, man! Come on! Aw, geez!

00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:12,265

Wanna see how I paint a wall?!

00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:13,892

It was

the Morty Town Locos, man!

00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:15,435

-The... The Morty Town Locos!

-[ Groans ]

00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,062

Aah! Aah!

00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,064

Do you realize how many codes

you just violated?

00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:20,273

Aw, geez, Rick.

00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:21,942

What do I know about

knowin' stuff?

00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,777

Get in the fuckin' car.

00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:25,195

More lasers.

00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,405

You could take more time to

answer the question if you like.

00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,701

Okay, Juggling Rick,

00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:34,037

how would you solve

the Citadel's financial crisis?

00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:36,373

First off, can I just say

that I believe this Citadel

00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,625

is the greatest

in the entire multi-verse.

00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,710

Now, I believe

the answer to your question

00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,087

has three parts.

00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:46,049

First, education spending

must get much higher.

00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,009

But it has to be balanced

with defense...

00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,053

-Whoa! Whoa!

-Can we fact-check this please?

00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:51,346

Never mind.

Who am I kidding?

00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,722

This race is over.

00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:55,558

And that's how you run

a Citadel!

00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:56,893

[ All Ricks cheering ]

00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:59,938

Candidate Morty, the number

of displaced Mortys is soaring

00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,023

while Rick satisfaction levels

are plummeting,

00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,526

and the divide between the two

groups has never been wider.

00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,236

Solve that one real quick.

00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,904

[ Ricks cheering, chuckling ]

00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:10,782

I don't see a divide

between Ricks and Mortys.

00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:11,866

Oh, shocker.

00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,827

-[ Farts ]

-[ Laughter ]

00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:15,745

I'd like to offer a re-buttal.

[ Farts ]

00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,248

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I think

we can all agree on one thing.

00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,166

[ Farts twice ]

Well, it came out as two things,

00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:21,793

but you get the idea.

00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,253

-[ Laughter ]

-You guys finished?

00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:24,462

[ Laughing stops ]

00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,923

The division I see is between

the Ricks and Mortys

00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,758

that like the Citadel divided...

00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,343

and the rest of us.

00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:32,887

I see it everywhere I go.

00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,514

I see it in our schools

00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,224

where they teach Mortys

we're all the same,

00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,351

because they're threatened

by what makes us unique.

00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:41,187

I see it in our streets

where they give guns to Mortys

00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:44,774

so we're too busy fighting each

other to fight real injustice.

00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:46,192

I see it in our factories

00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,945

where Ricks work for a fraction

of their boss' salary

00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,614

even though they're identical

and have the same IQ.

00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,993

The Citadel's problem

isn't homeless Mortys

00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:56,494

or outraged Ricks.

00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:57,495

[ Screams ]

00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,456

[ Gunshots ]

00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:02,208

The Citadel's problem

is the Ricks and Mortys

00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:03,543

feeding on the Citadel's death.

00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:05,628

-Holy shit.

-[ Alarm sounding ]

00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:08,006

RICK SECURITY OFFICER:

He's headed for the flavor core!

00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:10,258

But I've got

a message for them,

00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,219

from the Ricks and Mortys

keeping it alive,

00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:16,347

a message

from the Ricks and Mortys

00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:19,142

that believe in this Citadel

00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:21,519

to the Ricks and Mortys

that don't.

00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,647

You're outnumbered.

00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:29,069

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:31,529

Holy shit.

00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:33,740

I don't believe it.

00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:35,158

I-I can't believe it.

00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,494

I know.

That's why you're fired.

00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,705

Sounds like

you're looking for work.

00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,583

I can offer you a very enticing

compensation package.

00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,627

First, let's talk benefits.

00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:49,214

Daddy loves you.

That's Daddy's good girl.

00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:50,465

Your life is a lie, man.

00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,509

All your life's are lies!

Don't you get it?!

00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,552

They told us we were special

because we were Ricks,

00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,679

but they stripped us of

everything that made us unique!

00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:57,680

We know how you feel.

00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,516

We're working-stiff Ricks

just like you.

00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:01,309

but our assembly line

is justice.

00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,519

What are your demands?

00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:03,937

I-I-I want a portal gun.

00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:05,396

Unregistered, untraceable,

00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:08,191

with enough fluid to take me off

this goddamn prison!

00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:11,027

-The media's outside.

-Well, keep 'em there.

00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,822

Anyway, so, yeah, the suspect

says the Citadel's a lie,

00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,740

built on lies,

and some other shit.

00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,742

I say appreciate

the life you have,

00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,369

because it can always be worse.

00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:20,370

Back to you, Ricks.

00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,580

Thank you, Rick D-716C.

00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,124

-That fuckin' guy.

-Tell me about it.

00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,750

[ Clears throat ]

Meanwhile, in election news,

00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:28,670

an unexpected turn of events

as Morty from the Morty Party

00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,255

soars to the top of the polls.

00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,549

-Morty! Morty! Morty!

-Yes.

00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:35,051

Morty, what's your original

reality, and where's your Rick?

00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:38,263

Gosh, we moved around so much,

it's hard to remember.

00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,056

I see every Rick as my Rick.

00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,225

I hope they see me

as their Morty.

00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,602

Another? Please?

With less water?

00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:46,104

Hey, cheer up, pal.

00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:47,730

A Morty's gonna be president.

00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,567

Imagine this kisser

getting blamed for everything.

00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,527

I guess I should've

had more faith.

00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,280

It's not faith you need.

It's fear.

00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:58,074

What's this?

00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,201

It's secrets.

00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,327

Wh-Wh-Wh-What do you

think it is?

00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:02,328

Look at how I'm dressed.

00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:03,788

RICK REPORTER: Having taken aim

at the system,

00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:05,290

are afraid at all

for your safety?

00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,916

CANDIDATE MORTY: I'd rather live

in hope than fear.

00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:10,461

If I had to fear anything, I'd

fear other people being afraid.

00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:11,671

Of fear. Itself.

00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:13,506

But, no, I'm not afraid.

00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:14,507

MORTY TOWN LOCO #1:

Hey, Rick, man,

00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:17,260

when there's a Morty president,

you gonna lick my balls or what?

00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,469

Sheeeet, grandson,

00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:21,097

you keep me peelin' skrabquams

and slippin' nib nibs,

00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,016

I'll lick whatever

ain't nailed down.

00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,267

-[ Laughter ]

-[ Door crashes ]

00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:25,185

Hands in the air!

00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:27,020

What the hell, man?!

What the hellin' hell?

00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:28,563

You guys doing a little

chemistry homework

00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,607

-with Grandpa?

-Is this what I think it is?

00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:31,983

Bootleg portal fluid.

00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:35,945

[ Screams ]

00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,198

I guess his math was off.

00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:39,574

Search the place.

00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,828

[ Sobbing ]

00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,998

Are... Are you...

my new...R-Rick?

00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:48,499

It's okay, Morty.

00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,003

-[ Grunts ]

-[ Screams ]

00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:53,963

[ Mobile playing ]

00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,548

Jesus.

00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:57,050

He stabbed me.

He got me bad, Morty.

00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:58,843

Shh. It's okay.

You're okay.

00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:00,178

You were right.

[ Coughs ]

00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,763

Everything I learned

at the academy was...

00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:02,680

Doesn't matter.

00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,807

Nothing's wrong with putting

your faith in a Morty.

00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,768

You just gotta pick

the right one.

00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:08,353

Why is there a crib in here?

00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,647

Something they do.

To make you feel bad.

00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:12,941

Boy, I got us knee-deep

in paperwork, huh?

00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,734

Go to the car

and grab a medi-pack.

00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:16,527

Let me worry about this.

00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,620

-What happened?

-Same old story.

00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:28,039

Mortys killing Mortys.

00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,045

Almost...got it.

00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,338

-[ All yelping ]

-FARMER RICK: Hey!

00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,507

Y'all get the hell away

from my damn mega fruit!

00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:38,508

[ All yelping ]

00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,176

-Sic 'em, boy!

-[ Barking ]

00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:41,302

I don't wear this dag-nab hat

00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,012

and commit

to this rural character

00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:45,223

so you can eat for free

while you come of age!

00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:47,475

I bet the Wishing Portal

leads to a reality

00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,476

where they're... where all...

00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,853

where it's a bunch of

French toast with boobies.

00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:52,522

I bet it leads to a place

with a bunch of fry...

00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:54,190

fly... flies everywhere.

00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:55,984

Yeah, I bet it goes nowhere.

00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:56,985

I bet it's a big hole

00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,112

where the Citadel dumps

all its broken dreams.

00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:01,239

Slick, why do you have to be

so dramatic?

00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:03,324

You wanna know why?

Because of this.

00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,118

I'm part of

an experimental line of Mortys

00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:06,744

with a drama implant.

00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,746

How do you think it feels,

Fat Morty,

00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,164

to know that

no matter where I go,

00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,457

I'll always be the one

00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,960

that makes everybody sad

and a little bored?

00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,337

Slick, that implant

isn't who you are, okay?

00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,965

You also roll up your sleeves.

00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,384

I thought

I was Left-Handed Morty.

00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:24,387

Then you should use your left

hand to eat more vegetables.

00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,639

Hey, there. How you doing?

Great to meet you.

00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:28,933

I'm a plumber, sir.

I'm a Rick, and I'm a plumber.

00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,143

That doesn't sound like

Rick work.

00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,228

You didn't come to the Citadel

to be a plumber, did you?

00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:33,563

Ha! ha!

I sure didn't, sir!

00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:34,731

Mr. Morty! Mr. Morty!

00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,941

I cloned myself so you could

kiss me as a baby!

00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,443

This is just like a Morty baby!

00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:40,778

[ All cheering ]

00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:43,531

Hey, did you, uh,

end up getting a new job?

00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,658

Yeah, I did.

Assassinating you.

00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:46,617

[ Groans ]

00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:47,577

[ Screams ]

00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,288

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,833

[ Groans ]

00:13:56,544 --> 00:14:00,381

Aw, man. Aw, geez.

Aw, hah.

00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:02,258

You look like you could use

a good time.

00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,594

One dance for $10, two for $25.

00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:07,096

No, thank you.

And bad math.

00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,098

Ha! Ha! Yeah!

This is a good time!

00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,267

-What is this place?

-The Creepy Morty.

00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,144

What is it your kind's

always saying?

00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,604

"Don't think about it."

00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:17,273

Come on. There's someone

important I want you to meet.

00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,275

Ah, Bubbala!

00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,486

How'd it go with

the Morty Town Locos?

00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:22,862

They had a little accident.

00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,822

They won't be causing

any trouble anymore.

00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:28,284

Those were bad Mortys.

Very bad Mortys.

00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,285

[ Snaps fingers ]

00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,037

Big Morty likes to contribute

00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:32,955

to keeping the peace

in Morty Town.

00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:36,709

Think of him as a "drug lord"

and us as cops on his payroll.

00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:38,169

-Morty...

-TOGETHER: Which Morty?

00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:39,837

M-M-My partner.

00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:41,923

Morty, you're right.

Morty Town is bad.

00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,800

But that doesn't mean

that we have to be.

00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:45,635

Hey, what's going on here,

Morty?

00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,054

-TOGETHER: Which Morty?

-The cop, morons!

00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:49,597

Don't worry about Rick,

Big Morty.

00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:50,515

He's new.

00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,725

He doesn't understand

how it works.

00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,186

That's what you said

about your last partner.

00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,022

Why would you say something

like that, Big Morty?

00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:00,274

You're fucking things up

for both of us here.

00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,653

Wrong. He's fucking things up

for both of you.

00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:06,072

Unless he takes the money.

00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:08,574

Big Morty, you're under arrest.

00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,910

S-Smartest man in the universe.

00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:12,161

[ Grunts ]

00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:14,747

[ All shouting, gunfire ]

00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,085

They're just props!

Th-They're just props!

00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,005

-[ Groans ]

-Not so big now, are ya?

00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,841

I never was!

It was figurative!

00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:25,675

That's enough.

00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:26,968

If we don't kill him,

he'll talk.

00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,553

If you do, I'll talk.

00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:29,846

O-One thing's for sure.

00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:32,473

Y-Y'all don't have to worry

about Cowboy Morty talkin'.

00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:35,852

This little cowpoke's gonna

mosey up on out of here.

00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:38,062

You told me to put my faith

in the right Morty.

00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:39,730

I've got faith in you, partner.

00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,441

Do the right thing.

00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:44,026

Oh, Grandpa Rick,

00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:45,945

I-I don't wanna be

on the Citadel anymore.

00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,655

I wanna be a regular kid.

00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,699

I-I wanna to go to school

and throw balls around

00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,242

and masturbate.

00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:57,039

[ Sirens wailing ]

00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:00,960

What the hell happened in there?

00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,462

Same old story.

00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:04,547

Ricks killing Mortys.

00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:07,216

Okay, man, okay,

we got your portal gun.

00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,807

What the hell's he doing?

00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:17,101

-[ Groans ] Where... Where am I?

-A bad place.

00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,811

But you're going

to a better one soon.

00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:21,230

Hey! Hey!

00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,399

-No, no, no, no!

-Whaa...

00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,400

God damn it!

00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:26,319

A portal to

the blender dimension?

00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:27,778

That's the oldest trick

in the book!

00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:29,822

I'm a Rick!

I'm more Rick than any of you!

00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,241

Then you should know you just

killed your only leverage!

00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,826

Then comes and get me,

motherfuckers!

00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,495

[ Guns cock ]

00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:38,206

[ Buzzing ]

00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,375

Stop.

I'm Rick D. Sanchez the Third,

00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,252

owner of this here

wafer establishment,

00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:45,463

and I say that the Rick in there

is right.

00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:46,839

He's more Rick than any of you.

00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:48,090

He's a terrorist!

00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:49,258

What Rick isn't?!

00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:52,345

The Citadel was founded by Ricks

for Ricks to be free!

00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,930

What's your name, young man?

00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:56,140

-Rick. And I'm...

-The same age as me, I know.

00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,434

-How long have you worked here?

-15 years.

00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,019

What the hell have we become?

00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:02,563

Whatever time you were gonna

make him serve, he's served it.

00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:03,940

It ends now.

00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,650

-Come with me, friend.

-Where are we going?

00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:06,817

To your new life.

00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:09,153

Which starts with walking

the fuck out of here.

00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,197

-Yo J-22, give 'em hell!

-[ Burps ]

00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:13,658

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:15,660

SAM ELLIOT: There's a Rick

that held a factory hostage

00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:18,704

after murdering his boss

and several co-workers.

00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:22,792

The factory made cookies,

flavored them with lies.

00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:24,794

He made us all take a look

at what we were doing.

00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:27,463

And in the bargain,

he got a taste of real freedom.

00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:29,549

[ Gunshot ]

00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:32,426

We captured that taste,

and we keep giving it to him

00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,178

so he can give it

right back to you

00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:37,473

in every bite of new Simple Rick

Freedom Wafer Selects.

00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,809

Come home to the unique flavor

00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,894

of shattering

the grand illusion.

00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:44,480

Come home to Simple Rick.

00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,899

It is real.

00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:48,442

[ Grunts ]

00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:49,735

After you.

00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:58,411

SPECS: There it is.

The Wishing Portal.

00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:00,121

They say for your wish

to come true,

00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:03,207

you have to give up something

really important.

00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:05,418

For me, that's my panini maker.

00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:08,087

I wish for a million sandwiches.

00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:10,047

And, yes, I see the irony.

00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:11,674

I guess

I wish I had something cooler

00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,301

than this dumbass

surfer necklace.

00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:17,263

I wish incest porn had...

had a more mainstream appeal.

00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:18,889

For... For a friend of mine.

00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,891

None of those things

are gonna happen, you know.

00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,311

Morty wishes never come true.

00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:24,604

Not on the Citadel.

00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:25,938

Then why did you bring us here?

00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:27,648

Because I wish

that would change.

00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,067

I wish anything about this life

would change.

00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:31,235

Well, I hope you're

putting something

00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,404

pretty goddamn important

in there.

00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:34,697

Me too.

00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,073

But I doubt it.

00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,534

-No!

-Slick!

00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:41,996

M-Maybe...

00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,706

Maybe it went somewhere nice.

00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,207

AUTOMATED RICK:

Garbage dump.

00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,293

Stand [burp] back.

00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:53,049

He had to be stopped.

00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:55,551

He... He cou... He c...

couldn't be allowed to win.

00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:57,470

Then you should've [burps]

worked on your aim, bro.

00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,764

He's alive? No, no, no.

You gotta listen to me.

00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:02,224

I-I worked for him.

I was his campaign manager.

00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,310

That Morty is not what he seems.

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,854

Yeah, well, no Morty

seems like a president.

00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,898

-He...won?

-Yeah.

00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:11,233

It was a blowout.

00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:12,860

I would hardly call it

a blowout.

00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,695

It was almost close enough

to trigger a recount.

00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:17,281

Jesus. What are you,

joke security now, too?

00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:18,949

RICK COP:

Why am I still here?

00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,618

I heard he confessed

to everything.

00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,870

Your case has been reviewed.

You're free to go.

00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,831

But... I violated at least

a dozen departmental codes.

00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:27,833

New department.

New codes.

00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,335

New Citadel.

00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:32,421

SPECS: Did we miss graduation?

Where are the new Ricks?

00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:34,256

No graduation.

No new Ricks.

00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,050

The school's curriculum

is changing.

00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:36,801

To what?

00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:38,219

I don't know,

and I don't have to know.

00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:39,303

I've been fired.

00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:40,805

[ Burping ]

Good luck, turds.

00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:43,432

Holy crap.

Slick's wish came true.

00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,686

Sorry I'm late, Mr. President.

00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:49,188

-Had a little crisis at work.

-Worth it!

00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:50,606

It's no problem.

00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:52,274

Uh, a little more off the top.

00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,027

You were saying,

Garment District Rick.

00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:57,822

We were saying,

"President" Morty,

00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,490

that we don't care

who sits in that seat.

00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:02,034

A Rick, a Morty, a goddamn

Jerry, doesn't matter.

00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:04,412

We've been running the Citadel

since before the council,

00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,372

and you'll find that we're

still running it now.

00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:08,499

Does he really speak

for everyone here?

00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:09,250

-Mm-hmm.

-Yeah.

00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,043

Well, I think it's important

to be clear.

00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:12,878

Raise your hand

if he speaks for you.

00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,092

[ All screaming ]

00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,219

Is...that enough off the top?

00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:22,555

I don't know. Is it?

00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:23,889

-Yes, yes, goddamn, yes.

-I think it's great.

00:20:24,014 --> 00:20:25,683

Good.

00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:27,768

This seems like

a good time for a drink

00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:31,355

and a cold calculated speech

with sinister overtones.

00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:34,859

A speech about politics...

00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:36,527

about order...

00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,696

brotherhood...

00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:40,197

power.

00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:42,533

But speeches

are for campaigning.

00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:45,411

Now is the time for action.

00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:49,331

[ Blond Redhead's

"For the Damaged" plays ]

00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:53,002

♪ Ah-ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:56,088

♪ Ah, ah-ah ♪

00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:59,759

♪ Ah-ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:01,886

♪ Ah, ah-ah ♪

00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:16,650

♪ Ah-ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:19,653

♪ Ah, ah-ah ♪

00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:23,282

♪ Ah-ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:25,701

♪ Ah, ah-ah ♪

00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,346

Whoo!

[ Laughs ] Yeah!

00:21:45,471 --> 00:21:47,556

-Atlantis, baby!

-That was amazing.

00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,099

You got some of that

mermaid puss.

00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:50,559

I'm really hoping

it wasn't a one-off thing

00:21:50,684 --> 00:21:51,644

and I can see her again.

00:21:51,769 --> 00:21:53,729

By the way, hey, um,

still not curious about

00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:55,940

what might've happened

at that crazy Citadel place?

00:21:56,065 --> 00:21:57,942

Psh. Not at all, Morty.

That place will never have

00:21:58,067 --> 00:22:00,110

any bearing over our lives

ever again.

00:22:00,236 --> 00:22:02,363

Unlike that mermaid puss!

Yeah!

00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:03,823

We're going back for seconds!

00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:05,533

We're gonna do that shit

every week, man!

00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:07,493

-That was Atlantis!

-Oh, shit!