Отдых и риклаксация

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С кем будешь встречаться теперь,

когда тебе с кем угодно можно?

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Я не знаю. Только если появится

кто-то особенный.

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Я имею в виду очень особенный.

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Кого я раньше даже не рассматривала, как вариант.

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- Охренеть! Охренеть! Охренеть!

- Мне нужна такая любовь, крепкая любовь.

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Ах, да.

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Такая же крепкая, как пенис, крепко сидящий

за крайней плотью.

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Такая тёплая, такая...

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А ну-ка отъебитесь все.

Морти, мне нужна твоя помощь.

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Н-н-нам нужно сгонять

на короткое приключение.

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Ты сказал, что сегодня я могу пойти в школу.

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Это было до того, как мне что-то понадобилось, Морти.

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В скоплении Абаданго есть осколок плазмы.

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Он у принцессы. Если я его достану,

то буду крутым.

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Мы вообще перерывов не делаем, Рик.

Это плохо скажется.

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Это же мои подростковые годы. Я только

что узнал, что у Джессики никого нет.

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Ого, Морти! Просто ого! Какая же у тебя

интересная жизнь.

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Давай. Вошли и вышли, приключение

на 20 минут.

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Шесть дней спустя.

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Они у нас на хвосте!

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Держи ровнее, Морти!

Пять цетонов!

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Ровно, чёрт тебя дери!

Два цетона!

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Огонь!

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Тяни на себя, Морти! На себя!

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Пиздец.

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Ебааать!

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Блядь!

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Пиздец, я больше так не могу!

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Это правда был полный ебан!

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Мы чуть не погибли!

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То есть, ты согласен?

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Хуясен! Это было безумие!

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Читая удача. Я не контролировал эту

ситуацию вообще.

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Посмотри на это, Морти!

Посмотри на мои ёбаные руки.

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Посмотри на это дерьмо.

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Почему ты продолжаешь делать это с нами?

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Не знаю, Морти. Может, я ненавижу себя.

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М-может, я считаю, что заслуживаю смерти.

Я не знаю.

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Нам нужен отпуск.

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Авторы перевода

Женя Спицын и Сарыч

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То, что нужно.

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Ты был прав. Лучший

спа-салон в галактике.

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Это даже не жестокость.

Эти штуки делают тоже самое и в естественных условиях.

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Они любят проглатывать вымотанных существ

на 20 минут, а потом выплёвывать.

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Всё моё тело как попка младенца.

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Хотите бесплатную психологическую детоксинацию?

Она устраняет все когнитивные токсины,

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очищает организм.

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Наверное, этот чувак за процент с продаж работает.

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Вряд ли.

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Ты работаешь за процент?

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Мы работаем не за проценты, у нас

почасовая оплата.

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Правда, никаких льгот...

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Боже мой, послушай, мы опробуем

аппарат, но...

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но и ты тоже кое-что попробуй.

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Попробуй проглотить огромный комок соплей,

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который мотается у тебя в горле.

Это отвратительно, никому неприятно такое слушать.

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Вот как ты делаешь.

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Ладно, Рик, хватит.

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Блин, видел, как я на него огрызнулся?

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Боже, мне и правда надо расслабиться.

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Может, тебе следует дважды

пройти процедуру.

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Так, мистер комедиант, не нужно издеваться

надо мной, это не помогает.

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Рик, а эта штука и должна так делать?

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Мооорти!

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Р-рик?

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Морти!

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Что случилось?

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Мы взорвались, болван. Неужели,

ты настолько тупой?

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Понятно, что чувак, на которого я наорал,

перегрузил аппарат.

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Этого мало, чтобы убить Рика и Морти, распиздяй!

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А вот этого может хватить.

Бежим, Морти!

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У меня всё болит!

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Потому что ты бесполезный.

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Боже, насколько мощным был взрыв?

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Я - гений, у меня нет времени на это дерьмо.

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Б-блин, в какой ад мы попали, Рик?

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Ты такой тупой, Морти!

Ты - идиот!

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Ада не существует.

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Я тебе верю, но я просто хочу умереть.

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Ты умрёшь, когда я тебе скажу.

Я тобой управляю!

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Я управляю вселенной!

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Почему я этим хвастаюсь? Мне ничего не надо доказывать.

Меня окружают ничтожные куски дерьма и...

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токсины.

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Мы не в аду, Морти. Мы в детоксикаторе.

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Аппарат не взорвался. Он сработал нормально.

Он убрал токсины.

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Мы - токсины.

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Ты меня слушаешь? Ты - тупой кусок отходов!

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Мы - это то, что устранили.

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Надеюсь, вы расслабились

после процедуры детоксикации.

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Послушай, чувак, то, что я сказал о твоём горле...

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Всё нормально.

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Мило в твоей строны, что ты меня простил.

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И всё же это неприемлемое поведение,

о котором я сожалею.

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Поверь, мужик, я давно здесь работаю.

Всё понимаю.

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Ты не против, если я включу музыке?

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Валяй.

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♪ Возьми меня за терригнуськи. ♪

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Что это?

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Я нажал на случайное воспроизведение.

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Ты шутишь?

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Ох уж эта вселенная.

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Ой, извини.

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Нам нужно слушать по одной случайной песне в день.

Пусть многое нам не понравится, но

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мы найдём много чего нового.

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Это очень интересная мысль.

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Заставляет задуматься, если ли алгоритмическая

формула, которая позволит достичь идеальной пропорции.

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Только послушай меня. Пытаюсь рассчитать счастье.

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Если бы только кто-то мог, Рик.

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Эй, а вот что ни одна наука не измерит...

Для меня честь быть твоим дедушкой, Морти.

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Спасибо, Рик. Я люблю тебя.

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Да, нахуй! Да, вот так! Получай!

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Прямо в твой сучий сральник, ёбаная хуйня.

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Угадай, кто только что

открыл новый элемент?

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А ты сможешь это сделать, Морти? Хоть кто-то,

кроме меня, сможет это сделать за миллиард лет?

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Если бы бог существовал, то он смог бы

так сделать? Ответ: "Нет"!

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Если бог существует, то это, блядь, я!

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Да, Рик. Я согласен, Рик.

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Пока ты лепил свои паразитические

сфинктеры,

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я открыл токсичный аналог электричества, Морти.

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Что на это скажешь?

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П-по-моему, мой голос раздражает.

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Так и есть, и это - твоё лучшее качество.

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Ты прав.

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Кто мне скажет, какой общий знаменатель

у этих дробей?

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Вы не знаете, или вам просто скучно?

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Эй, послушай, знаешь... если нам всем тут скучно,

разве не ты будешь нашим общим знаменателем?

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Блин, Морти, просто умора.

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Обычно я отчитываю за любое плохое поведение, но

похоже, сейчас твой характер изменился в лучшую сторону.

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Урок окончен.

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Крутяк, Морти.

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Ты - молодец, Морти.

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Спасибо за совет, Морти.

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Не за что.

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У меня получилось, Морти.

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Я и не сомневался.

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Эй, Морти, помнишь, вчера я не мог

играть на тромбоне?

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А вот теперь зацени.

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Как я тебе и говорил, Митч. Всё это время

музыка была в твоём сердце.

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Дурацкая шляпа. Если бы у меня только

хватило смелости быть собой.

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Вот так.

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Может, ты и смог одурачить всех этих болванов,

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но я знаю, что за этой уверенностью скрывается

всё тот же жалкий неудачник.

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Мне это известно, потому что я делаю

точно так же, брат.

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Больше я не одинок.

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Привет, Морти, по школе ходят слухи,

что ты стал суперэнергичным.

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Не знаю на этот счёт, но я точно знаю,

что у меня довольно тяжёлый случай

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до сих пор тебя на ужин не отводина.

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Может, это даже смертельно.

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Привет, дети, надеюсь, не прерываю что-то важное.

Морти, можно тебя на минуточку?

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Буду рад помочь, Рик.

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Не хочу тебя беспокоить, но после нашего

утреннего похода я начал получать очень слабые

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и очень необычные сигналы на свой

под-эфировый телефон.

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Слушай.

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Сломался.

Отнеси в ремонт.

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Я вернулся к раскладушке только для важных

звонков. Если и нужно поговорить,

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то лучше с глазу на глаз.

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Я отследил звонок до того спа-салона, в котором

мы были, Морти.

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Мне показалось, что я услышал там голос,

поэтому усилил сигнал. Послушай.

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Эй, козлина!

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Вот блин.

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Помнишь нас?

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Не люблю стычки.

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Вы нас наебали, куски отходов!

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Всё верно. Вы - ёбаные отходы, а не мы.

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Я - невъебенный гений и бог!

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Ты серьёзно думал, что эта штука меня сдержит?

Я разорву твою глотку...

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Морти, что если наши токсичные

половины обладают своей личностью,

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своей волей к жизни? Что если моя обладает

мои интеллектом

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и пытается придумать, как добраться до нас?

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Похоже, твоя половина страдает от боли.

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В ней очень много боли.

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Но тебе необязательно думать об этом,

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давай разберёмся с твоим недугом с помощью

городской велосипедной йоги. Она потрясающая.

00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,510

Ты занимаешься йогой на велике, но только

для людей старше двенадцати...

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Я не уверен, что могу махнуть на это рукой, Морти.

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Если бы я знал, что так будет,

то не пошёл бы на детоксикацию.

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Точнее, пошёл бы, потому что

во мне были токсины.

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Но теперь их нет, и я должен за них отвечать, верно?

00:08:49,510 --> 00:08:50,510

Вот так дилемма.

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Мне кажется, я знаю, что нужно сделать.

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Морти!

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Рик!

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Знаешь, единственная проблема в этом большом толстом мозге в том,

что он изголодался по большим толстым проблемам.

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Сфокусируйся на хорошем. Доверься мне.

00:09:00,650 --> 00:09:02,860

Всё хорошо. Если меня этого лишить...

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то кому-то не поздоровится.

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Блин, лучший дедушка на свете, правда.

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И это не пустые слова. Так оно и есть!

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Люблю барабаны. Я никогда не брал уроки игры

на барабанах. Почему? Ограничения.

00:09:21,790 --> 00:09:24,590

Мы привязаны к собственным ограничениям.

Насколько это потрясающе?

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Капуста приготовлена на кухне?

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Мне воды.

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А что за... крудайт?

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Крудите. Это несколько морковных палочек.

00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,490

Да всё нормально. Произноси, как захочешь.

Слова - лишь штуки такие.

00:09:35,510 --> 00:09:37,140

Спасибо. Прошу, у нас тут беседа.

00:09:37,650 --> 00:09:40,370

Боже, как же я рад, что наконец-то

ужинаю с тобой.

00:09:40,510 --> 00:09:42,460

Знаешь, как долго я этого ждал? Просто...

00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:46,860

Хотя лучше б ты заткнулась. Шучу.

Ты такая тихая. Что не так?

00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,940

Почему бы тебе не рассказать о себе?

Какая атмосфера на планете Джессика?

00:09:49,970 --> 00:09:53,870

Где у неё экватор? Когда выходные и-и-и праздники?

00:09:53,890 --> 00:09:55,730

Они везде в одинаковый день?

Поговори со мной.

00:09:55,750 --> 00:09:58,640

Ну... мне... нравится этот ресторан.

00:09:58,670 --> 00:10:01,860

Ёб вашу мать! Ёб вашу мать, у нас здесь тупица!

00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,270

Какой же я дурак, поверить не могу,

что не подумал об этом.

00:10:04,290 --> 00:10:08,060

Тебе надо пройти детоксикацию, как и я.

Это инопланетное спа, ты заходишь туда и...

00:10:09,470 --> 00:10:09,970

а лазеры...

00:10:12,910 --> 00:10:15,620

Он всё высасывает. Всё, что меня сдерживало.

Всё плохое.

00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:16,490

То есть, просто...

00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:18,090

Да?

00:10:18,630 --> 00:10:20,810

Круууууто.

00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,010

Боже мой, не могу поверить.

00:10:23,030 --> 00:10:24,530

Да, телефоны ужасны, я вернулся к...

00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,390

Я совершенно забыла свою...

00:10:26,610 --> 00:10:29,080

У меня есть штука и...

00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:31,380

Штука - это хорошо.

00:10:31,410 --> 00:10:34,030

А знаешь что? Почему я это делаю?

Это даже хуже правды.

00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,410

Послушай, извини, Морти, я не думаю, что...

00:10:36,430 --> 00:10:40,690

Не продолжай. Можешь не объяснять, всё нормально.

00:10:40,730 --> 00:10:42,210

Мне кажется, тебе со мной будет скучно.

00:10:42,230 --> 00:10:45,820

Именно. Искры не летят. Как раз для этого

и нужны свидания, понимаешь?

00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,030

Первое свидание. Ни искр, никакого вреда,

никаких переживаний.

00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,930

Жизнь - это шоссе, мы будем ехать по нему

всю ноооочь!

00:10:52,070 --> 00:10:53,180

Сейчас поем крудайт.

00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:55,050

Они натуральные?

00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,000

Отлично. Что ж, вечер продолжается.

00:10:58,630 --> 00:11:00,350

Итак, поехали.

00:11:00,890 --> 00:11:04,070

Мэм, боюсь, у меня для Вас плохие новости.

Ваши деньги здесь не пригодятся.

00:11:04,870 --> 00:11:06,230

Следующий коктейль за мой счёт, сэр.

00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:07,470

Разве ты не ребёнок?

00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,530

Только там, где нужно.

Морти.

00:11:10,350 --> 00:11:10,960

Стейси.

00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:13,620

Я смотрел, как ты пьёшь, Стейси.

Сдаётся мне, у тебя тяжёлая работа.

00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,630

Интересно, как угодить тебе? Вот на такую

работу я бы хотел.

00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,070

Полставки, полная ставка...

00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:19,500

Буду я с ней справляться или нет...

00:11:19,590 --> 00:11:21,000

Повысят меня или уволят...

00:11:21,020 --> 00:11:23,530

Кабинет с большими окнами, агрессивное поглощение,

несчатный случай на производстве...

00:11:23,670 --> 00:11:25,570

Я стою на коленях, Стейси, и молю...

00:11:25,780 --> 00:11:28,030

Боготворю, прошу... что захочешь...

00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:29,550

Что на это скажешь?

00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:32,840

Ладно. По хуям.

00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:33,710

Дзинь.

00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,870

Давай спросим у моего дедушки.

Он - учёный. Эй, Рик!

00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,270

Эй, Рик, тебе знакома техника "Бенуа"?

00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:46,780

Отличные новости, Морти. Я вернулся в спа, и они

позволили мне купить камеру сдерживания из детоксикатора.

00:11:46,810 --> 00:11:47,440

Зачем?

00:11:47,460 --> 00:11:48,920

Затем, что мы возвращаемся домой, сучара.

00:11:48,940 --> 00:11:49,590

Что это?

00:11:49,610 --> 00:11:52,210

Это - частица твоего ссыкливого деда, которая

не боится быть собой.

00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,140

О, по-моему, ты тоже кое-что уронил.

00:11:54,170 --> 00:11:56,610

Прошу, я не хочу, чтобы меня снимали.

Я уродливый и страшный.

00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:57,210

Мне уйти?

00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,510

Ты сама себе хозяйка, Стейси.

00:11:58,530 --> 00:11:59,310

Тогда я хочу остаться.

00:11:59,430 --> 00:12:02,850

Рик, только не говори, что ты собираешься

засунуть эти... штуки... обратно в нас.

00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,520

Морти, извини, эти штуки живые

и являются частью нас.

00:12:05,660 --> 00:12:08,060

Мы вышвынули их из дома и заточили в канистре.

00:12:08,290 --> 00:12:09,240

Уёбок!

00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,590

Видишь? Они живут в боли.

00:12:10,610 --> 00:12:13,380

Этим они и занимаются. Живут в боли.

Они сами - боль.

00:12:13,410 --> 00:12:17,200

Они - это всё плохое, что есть в нас.

Что, кстати, включает и нашу нечестность.

00:12:17,220 --> 00:12:19,430

Откуда ты знаешь, что это не какая-нибудь

безумная уловка?

00:12:19,460 --> 00:12:22,380

О, значит, если я полностью сделан из токсинов,

то я - лжец?

00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:24,800

Иди нахуй, мелкий социопат. Ты слышал, Морти?

00:12:24,820 --> 00:12:26,850

Могу сказать, что все меня ненавидят.

Вы все меня ненавидите...

00:12:26,870 --> 00:12:29,090

Заткнись, Морти. Здоровый Рик, мы это

сделаем или что?

00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:31,260

Да. Извини, Морти, ты должен зайти в будку.

00:12:31,290 --> 00:12:33,950

Не веди переговоров с этим говнюком, тупица.

Ты же Рик!

00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:36,460

Покажи, что доминируешь.

Морти, в будку, сейчас.

00:12:36,550 --> 00:12:37,240

В будку!

00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:38,670

Давай, Морти.

00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:39,380

Не трожь меня!

00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,320

Морти, сделай полезное дело и добровольно

верни себе токсины.

00:12:42,350 --> 00:12:43,610

Неееет!

00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:44,990

Неправильно, если меня это возбуждает?

00:12:45,010 --> 00:12:47,350

Вытащи меня отсюда! Стейси, помоги!

Открой дверь!

00:12:47,450 --> 00:12:49,280

Скажи стоп-слово, Морти.

00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,980

Морской огурец! Морской огурец!

00:12:51,290 --> 00:12:52,180

Что ты творишь?

00:12:52,210 --> 00:12:53,500

Я всё для тебя сделаю, Морти.

00:12:56,580 --> 00:12:59,560

Сработало! Ха-ха! Да!

Идиот поверил моему каждому слову.

00:12:59,590 --> 00:13:01,960

Теперь посмотрим, по нраву ли ему жизнь

в этой бочке с говном.

00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:03,670

Он у меня за спиной, да?

00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:04,870

Он стоит перед тобой.

00:13:04,890 --> 00:13:06,400

Оу, мои глаза ещё не приспособились.

00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:08,280

Эм, это типа секс-подземелье?

00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,470

Наверное, стоило внимательней слушать.

00:13:11,270 --> 00:13:16,630

Спустя 70 лет заключения в этом сентиментальном болване

мне наконец-то дадут пожить своей жизнью.

00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:17,660

Ты же сказал, мы станем единым целым.

00:13:17,690 --> 00:13:19,930

Я солгал, тупица!

Я лгу направо и налево!

00:13:19,950 --> 00:13:22,040

На кой чёрт мне становиться единым целым

с таким слюнтяем, как ты?

00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:24,250

Так... ты просто хотел заточить нас

в этом баке?

00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:25,170

Та-таким был твой план?

00:13:25,190 --> 00:13:27,400

Не "был", пидорасина, а до сих пор есть.

00:13:28,220 --> 00:13:28,830

Убей его, Рик!

00:13:28,860 --> 00:13:30,250

Это не по мне!

Ужас какой!

00:13:30,270 --> 00:13:31,410

Ладно,

сам напросился.

00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,850

А вот на это?

00:13:33,110 --> 00:13:34,810

Вот на это я напросился, а?

На это?

00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:37,750

Выявляю угрозы для промежности.

00:13:37,770 --> 00:13:39,820

Система пах-пах 6000.

Прикончь его!

00:13:40,670 --> 00:13:42,820

Это... пользователь промежности.

00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,810

Поверь мне, этой штукой я пользовася

куда больше, чем он.

00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,690

Знаете что?

Сами разбирайтесь.

00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,730

Ты так хорошо меня знаешь.

00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:57,440

Какого чёрта, деда Рик?!

00:13:57,460 --> 00:13:58,450

- Пшла нах, Саммер.

- Прости, Саммер.

00:14:00,150 --> 00:14:02,240

Лады, лады, давай успокоимся.

Не делай этого.

00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,860

Я люблю тебя.

Хороший мальчик.

00:14:04,890 --> 00:14:05,780

Кто моя кроха?

00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:06,760

Саммер, бегом отсюда!

Быстрей!

00:14:06,790 --> 00:14:08,050

Оу, кто тут у нас?

00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,650

К-к-кто это там?

00:14:09,670 --> 00:14:12,240

Оу, нет. Видишь того плохого дядю?

00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:13,870

Ты мой хороший мальчик,

хватай его.

00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:14,940

Хватай его.

00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:19,520

Сукин с...

00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:31,950

Неплохо, засранец.

00:14:31,980 --> 00:14:33,610

Мы можем во всем разобраться.

00:14:33,630 --> 00:14:35,080

Не стоит перегибать палку и прибегать к --

00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,930

Г-готово, Рик.

Бак у меня!

00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,750

Я-я кусок дерьма,

но бак у меня!

00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:43,410

Ты отправишься прямиком в бак, сучёнок.

00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,510

Будешь жить в этом токсичном пиздеце, как приходилось мне.

00:14:50,830 --> 00:14:53,290

Так-то, пидрила ---

Прямиком в ебучий --

00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:56,420

Папы?

00:14:56,610 --> 00:14:58,410

Окей, просто --

не вмешивай её в это дело.

00:14:58,460 --> 00:14:59,470

Что происходит?

00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,900

Ладно, нахуй всё.

Время плана Б.

00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:04,230

Если я не могу заточить вас в токсичный мир,

то сделаю этот мир токсичным.

00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:07,450

Всё в порядке, девочки.

00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,310

Мне-мне очень жаль, что моё поведение

подвергло нас опасности.

00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:12,930

Е-если хотите, я могу сходить в огород,

00:15:12,950 --> 00:15:15,370

нарвать свежего базилика,

и сварганить нам отличный Скалопини.

00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,890

Что имела в виду твоя козявочная версия,

когда говорила, что собирается сделать мир токсичным?

00:15:19,910 --> 00:15:22,930

Поверь, солнышко, мотивации этого

персонажа - настоящая загадка.

00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,780

К чёрту всё, Рик.

Мы должны остановить его.

00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,320

Что бы ты сделал с этим баком в последнюю очередь?

00:15:27,340 --> 00:15:29,360

Морти, я ценю твои стремления, но

00:15:29,390 --> 00:15:30,800

не наше это дело,

понимаешь?

00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,580

Вершить судьбы и решать какой мир не постигнет какой конец.

00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:36,350

У наших токсинов столько же

прав на своё мировосприятие, сколько и --

00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:38,260

Морти, это не очень здорово давать мне леща.

00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:42,680

Очевидно, моя здоровая версия в хреналион раз отличается от твоей,

ты, бесполезный старый хрыч.

00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:43,470

Постой. Вот оно.

00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:48,130

Как аппарат детоксикации отличает полезное от

вредного для всего, что через него проходит?

00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:52,240

Это невозможно.

Должно быть, он определяет, что мы сами считаем токсичным.

00:15:52,260 --> 00:15:53,110

Что значит...

00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,900

- Папа!

- Ка-Какого чёрта, Рик?

00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:56,860

Объясню по пути.

00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:03,420

Это Башня Лунного Света, Морти,

у-у-у неё идеальная высота и металлическая структура

для усиления и облучения токсичной энергии.

00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:04,530

Как тебе такое, Морти?

00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:05,860

Разве ты не взволнован, Морти?

00:16:05,890 --> 00:16:08,550

Вот блин. Мне очень страшно.

З-здесь жутко высоко.

00:16:08,580 --> 00:16:12,340

Как только я дёрну рубильник,

весь мир станет таким же токсичным, как мы, детка.

00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:21,100

Отче наш, сущий на небесах!

Да святится --

00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:24,150

Бога нет!

Мы выдумали его ради денег!

00:16:29,770 --> 00:16:33,930

Санты не существует.

Ваши родители не хотели вас!

00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,250

Мы, блядь, это сделали, Морти.

00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,260

Подними свои грабли в воздух!

00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:40,600

Да, мелкий ты кусок дерьма.

00:16:41,490 --> 00:16:42,250

Помнишь меня?

00:16:42,270 --> 00:16:44,900

Ты так и не понял, что тебе меня не одолеть?

00:16:44,930 --> 00:16:46,890

Да, понял. А ещё я понял кое-что другое.

00:16:46,910 --> 00:16:47,640

Вот что.

00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:51,150

В этой пуле содержится зашифрованный вирус-нанобот,

00:16:51,170 --> 00:16:53,700

который разложит твоего Морти изнутри где-то

за... а, двадцать минут.

00:16:53,730 --> 00:16:54,930

Думаешь, мне не насрать?

00:16:54,950 --> 00:16:56,410

Я знаю, что тебе не насрать, болван.

00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:57,540

Потому что мне всё равно.

00:16:57,570 --> 00:16:58,800

Вот что я ещё знаю --

00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:00,890

ключ к расшифровке для нейтрализации вируса.

00:17:00,910 --> 00:17:02,250

Ты его хочешь?

Ну так пойди и возьми.

00:17:02,270 --> 00:17:03,830

Стань со мной одним целым, и ты спасешь его.

00:17:03,850 --> 00:17:07,360

Пффт. Да брось, чел.

Я был заточен в твоей ссыкливой башке 70 полных иллюзий лет.

00:17:07,380 --> 00:17:10,540

Но это самый что ни на есть очевиднейший блеф,

который я когда-либо --

00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:12,400

Бог ты мой!

Что ты творишь?!

00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:14,790

-Он сократил твоё время вдвое. Десять минут.

-Ооо! Как больно!

00:17:14,820 --> 00:17:15,640

Что с тобой не так?

00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,630

Оу, со мной всё совершенно так -- непомерное самомнение,

00:17:17,660 --> 00:17:19,710

нарциссизм, непосильное одиночество,

00:17:19,730 --> 00:17:21,860

мои нерациональные привязанности.

00:17:21,890 --> 00:17:23,920

Где-то же они должны быть,

но уж точно не здесь, братец.

00:17:23,940 --> 00:17:25,390

Я ни за что не вернусь!

00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:27,000

Честно говоря,

в любом случае мне всё равно.

00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:28,140

Ты - часть меня, которую я ненавижу.

00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,840

И когда я говорю "честно",

то можешь мне поверить,

00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:31,490

мы оба знаем, я слишком

здоров, чтобы солгать.

00:17:31,510 --> 00:17:32,040

Смотри.

00:17:32,810 --> 00:17:35,330

Хорошо! Завязывай с этим!

Тебе некому что-то доказывать.

00:17:35,350 --> 00:17:37,330

Морти, не то, чтобы мне не было пох, но ты в порядке?

00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,380

-Господи Иисусе, как больно.

-Успокойся, прекращай ныть.

00:17:39,410 --> 00:17:41,380

В-в-всё будет в хорошо.

Деда с тобой.

00:17:41,410 --> 00:17:42,950

Тебе смешно?

00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:44,760

Полезно обладать чувством юмора в таких ситуациях.

00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:46,010

О, так у тебя его нет.

00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:48,220

Ты буквально не способен уловить всю соль.

00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:51,870

Меня это забавляет, потому что ты только и делал, что

ныл, потому что я был главным.

00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:54,690

Но стоит отдать тебе штурвал, и уже через пять минут

мы - трупы.

00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,400

-Рик?

-Ты больное, жалкое, тупое животное.

00:17:57,650 --> 00:17:58,100

Рик?!

00:17:59,650 --> 00:18:01,440

Сделай это!

Сделай это, кусок ты...

00:18:03,610 --> 00:18:07,130

Я вернулся, крошка! Обычный Рик!

Хозяин обоих миров!

00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:07,890

Зацени-ка!

00:18:08,570 --> 00:18:10,150

"Извиняюсь."

00:18:10,170 --> 00:18:12,680

Теперь мы просто переключим этот дурацкий токсичный луч.

00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,470

Блин, я и правда заморачиваюсь, когда злюсь.

00:18:17,590 --> 00:18:18,720

О, давай, ещё.

00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,650

Бог... он... есть.

00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:35,110

Мама! Мамочка!

00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:38,310

Ха! Лады, Морти, сделаем единым и твой мелкий зад.

00:18:38,330 --> 00:18:40,910

Ты лучше меня, Рик.

Я достаточно здоров, чтобы принять это.

00:18:41,390 --> 00:18:43,760

Этот малой настоящая заноза в заднице.

00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:44,620

Т-т-ты ведь спасешь меня?

00:18:45,310 --> 00:18:47,050

Часть меня хотела, токсичный Морти.

00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:49,620

Часть меня очень хотела этого.

00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:51,480

Нью-Йорк.

Три недели спустя.

00:18:51,790 --> 00:18:53,760

Говорю тебе, эти акции просто огонь! Ага.

00:18:53,790 --> 00:18:55,750

Это просто отличная идея!

Определенно отличная идея!

00:18:55,770 --> 00:18:58,180

Дуэйн, Дуэйн, Дуэйн, я тебя понял,

теперь пойми меня.

00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,610

Я хоть раз тебе врал?

00:18:59,950 --> 00:19:03,290

Именно! Спроси любого,

Морти не лжёт, Дуэйн.

00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,460

Выложу тебе всё, как есть.

00:19:04,490 --> 00:19:09,600

Этот пакет - рыжеволосая красотка, недавно рассталась,

она не ждёт цветов, но уже готова к любви.

00:19:09,620 --> 00:19:12,260

И судьба расположила её шкафчик в двух шагах от твоего, Дуэйн --

00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,150

Всего в двух шагах.

00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:16,090

Так что сделай первый шаг или шагай отсюда, Дуэйн.

00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,610

Синюю или красную?

Какую ты примешь, бро?

00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:23,520

Я тебя понял, Дуэйн.

Ты здесь босс.

00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,400

Биотехнологии Хайнхольц.

00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:27,530

полтора миллиона за тридцать три.

00:19:29,490 --> 00:19:31,220

Ах, ёбаный ты зверь.

00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:36,890

Ммм! Натуральное?

00:19:37,370 --> 00:19:38,160

Ммм!

00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:41,180

Морти у телефона.

00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:43,170

Привет, Морти.

Это Джессика.

00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,520

Слушай, мы можем поговорить минутку?

00:19:45,550 --> 00:19:47,860

Этого достаточно, чтобы Рик отследил меня?

00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,860

Вернись, Морти.

Я скучаю.

00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:50,980

Ты скучаешь по старому мне.

00:19:51,010 --> 00:19:52,320

Ты скучаешь по тому, кто

сходил по тебе с ума

00:19:52,350 --> 00:19:53,600

так сильно, что ты не

давала ничего взамен.

00:19:53,630 --> 00:19:55,280

С чего ты взял, что я не хочу ответить взаимностью?

00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,930

-Потому что я не болен.

-Твоя бывшая?

00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,560

-Мне стоит ревновать?

-Тут нет повода ревновать.

00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,430

Я только что поняла, что

выступаю с речью на

00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:04,370

мероприятии по сбору средств

в вечер нашего свидания.

00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,220

-Я могу всё отменить.

-Мы будем вместе. Это и есть свидание.

00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,250

Ты идеальный мужчина.

00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,640

Оу, дорогой, кажется, ты нажал не ту кнопку.

Ты не повесил трубку.

00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,890

Ха. Вот оно как?

00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,790

Прости, мини Американский Психопат,

00:20:21,810 --> 00:20:24,010

время принимать лекарства с негативным эффектом.

00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,260

Делай то, что должен.

00:20:29,950 --> 00:20:31,760

Ну что, как ты, Морти?

00:20:31,790 --> 00:20:34,370

- Вот блин, я жалок.

- Ну, как? Хорош ли я?

00:20:34,390 --> 00:20:36,790

Думаю, это того стоит,

знать, что я тебе небезразличен.

00:20:36,810 --> 00:20:39,490

Небезразличен? Мне?

Морти, между нами ничего нет.

00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,900

-Я это сделала из-за него.

-Ах ты лживая сука!

00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,140

Она пробиралась в наш дом, Морти,

и без конца доставала меня:

00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,860

"Не -- не -- н-не нашёлся ли у вас новый Морти?"

00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,720

Потому что ты звонил мне в пьяном угаре и плакался об этом.

00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:49,400

Не плакался я!

00:20:49,420 --> 00:20:50,800

Жаклин, я --

00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:52,690

Я-я-я не тот, кем тебе представлялся.

00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:56,330

Так ты не 14-летний мальчуган с Среднего

Запада, который сбежал из семьи

00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:59,620

и нажился на собстевнной несознательности,

став биржевым брокером?

00:20:59,650 --> 00:21:01,960

Оу. Видимо, я и впрямь говорил всё, как есть, да?

00:21:01,980 --> 00:21:04,750

Ты говорил истину.

Ты был моей родственной душой.

00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,620

Что ж...

Б-- Больше нет. Я, эм...

00:21:08,790 --> 00:21:12,270

Можешь оставить себе квартиру

и -- и -- и, э... и дронов.

00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:15,950

Хрен ей, а не дронов.

Они трансформируются в маленького Вольтрона.

Они крутецкие.

00:21:17,370 --> 00:21:18,780

Хрен тебе, а не дронов.

00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:22,430

Так как твоё свидание с Брэдом?

00:21:22,450 --> 00:21:24,180

Это было не свидание.

Мы просто пообедали вместе.

00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,140

Вы ребята собираетесь сойтись, не так ли?

00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:27,760

Морти, ты мне нужен для приключения.

00:21:27,790 --> 00:21:28,900

Эх, "нужен" - довольно сильное слово.

00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,780

Нам нужны дверные ограничители, но и кирпичи сойдут.

00:21:30,820 --> 00:21:31,460

Хорошо.

00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:34,620

Морти.

00:21:35,830 --> 00:21:37,150

Хорошо, что ты вернулся.

00:21:38,890 --> 00:21:40,370

Тебе делали золотой дождь?

00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:41,990

О, мой бог. Вкусняшка.

00:21:43,170 --> 00:21:46,450

♪ Эй, а ты хочешь подержать мою терригнуську? ♪

00:21:46,820 --> 00:21:49,680

♪ Она прямо здесь. Хватай мой террифлаб. ♪

00:21:49,890 --> 00:21:53,250

♪ Сожми его. Хватай, сжимай,

уткнись в мой террифлаб. ♪

00:21:53,670 --> 00:21:57,190

♪ Эй, я тебя приглашу на

Танец терригнуськи. ♪

00:21:57,650 --> 00:22:00,470

♪ Хочешь со мной? Схвати меня за мои держуськи. ♪

00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:02,280

♪ Сожми их крепко. ♪

00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:06,090

♪ Мразина, пососи мои держиписоськи. ♪

00:22:06,330 --> 00:22:08,760

♪ Лизни мою дыру дергуськи. ♪

00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,250

♪ Мои террифлабы у тебя во рту. ♪

00:22:11,650 --> 00:22:13,970

♪ Сосни мои флабы, кусок дерьма. ♪

00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:22,190

Несмотря на то, что на сегодняшний день эти башни можно на руках пересчитать,

они были очень популярны в конце 19 века.

00:22:22,210 --> 00:22:24,480

Целый город мог быть освещён...

00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:26,050

Что это за фигня?

00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,580

Морской огурец! Морской огурец!

00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,755

So, Jessica,

I heard you broke up with Brad.

00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:06,882

Who are you gonna date

now that you can date anyone?

00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:07,841

I don't know.

00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:11,303

I mean, obviously if someone

special comes along...

00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:13,514

B-But I mean

really special, like,

00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,891

nothing I've even remotely

considered in the past.

00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,643

-Holy shit, holy shit.

-I want that kind of love

00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:19,102

-like that docking kind of love.

-Oh, yeah.

00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:21,855

Like, penis in the foreskin

kind of love,

00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,233

just, like, warm, just like...

00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:28,612

[ Exhaling ] He...

[ Coughs ]

00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:29,863

[ Footsteps approach ]

00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,406

-[ Inhales ]

-Everybody fuck off.

00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,741

Morty, I need your help.

00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,535

W-W-W-We... We need to go

on a quick adventure.

00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,119

You said

I could go to school today.

00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,163

That was be[burps]fore

I needed something, Morty.

00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:40,332

There's a plasma shard

in the Abadango Cluster.

00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,834

A princess has it.

If I get it, I'll be awesome.

00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,462

We've been going nonstop, Rick.

It's not healthy.

00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:46,964

You know,

these are my teenage years.

00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:48,924

I-I just found out

Jessica's single.

00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,302

Oh, that's... Wow, Morty. Wow.

What an exciting life you lead.

00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:54,638

Let's go. In and out,

20 minutes adventure.

00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:59,184

-They're on our tail!

-Steady, Morty. Five cetons.

00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,358

Steady, God damn it!

Two cetons.

00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,859

-[ Engine sputters ]

-MORTY: Wha!

00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,487

[ Gasps, moans ]

00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:14,324

-Fire!

-[ Screams ]

00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,328

Pull up, Morty, pull up!

Pull up!

00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:19,496

[ Morty screams ]

00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,832

[ Both screaming ]

00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:31,258

[ Cheers and applause,

triumphant music plays ]

00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,429

[ Bottles clink ]

00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:43,186

[ Both sighing ]

00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:47,232

-Fuck.

-[ Sobs ]

00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:50,110

[ Screams ]

00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:51,945

Oh, fuck!

00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,238

Fuck!

00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:55,866

Aah! Aah!

00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,868

I can't fucking do this anymore!

00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,412

That was seriously fucked up.

We almost died.

00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:01,872

-So you agree?

-Fuck yes!

00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:03,498

That w... T-This was insane!

00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:04,625

That was pure luck.

00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:07,127

I was not in control

of that situation at all.

00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:11,298

[ Sobs, screams ]

00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,258

Look at this, Morty.

Look at my fucking hand.

00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:14,259

Look at this shit.

00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,553

Why do you keep doing this

to us?!

00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,388

I don't know, Morty.

Maybe I hate myself.

00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:20,807

Maybe I think I deserve to die.

I-I-I-I don't... I don't know!

00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:24,478

[ Wails ]

00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,438

We need a vacation.

00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:29,066

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,931

[ Relaxing music plays ]

00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:04,434

[ Device beeps, alien purrs ]

00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,478

-Isn't that something?

-You were right.

00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,271

Best day spa in the galaxy.

00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:09,272

It's not even cruel, either.

00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,274

These things are just doing

what they do in the wild.

00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,068

They love swallowing

stressed-out creatures

00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,653

for 20 minutes

and then puking them up.

00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,988

My whole body's

like a baby's ass.

00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:19,199

Complimentary

psychological detox?

00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,659

Removes

all your cognitive toxins

00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,202

[ Gurgles ]

purifies your system.

00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,745

Oof, this guy on commission

or something?

00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,789

I don't think...

Are you on commission?

00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,541

We're not on commission.

We get paid by the hour.

00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:29,167

[ Phlegmy ]

There's no incentive, really...

00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:30,210

Oh, my God.

Okay, listen.

00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:31,545

W-W-W-We'll try the machine,

00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:33,422

but... but I'd like you

to try something.

00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,216

Try swallowing

the giant ball of snot

00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,593

that's dangling around

in the back of your throat.

00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,595

It's disgusting.

Nobody wants to hear that.

00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,305

[ Clears throat ]

00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,641

-That's what you do.

-Okay, Rick, come on. Enough.

00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:47,102

Man, did you hear me

bite that guy's head off?

00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,520

-Geez, I really need to chill.

-[ Whirring ]

00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,021

Maybe you should

go through twice.

00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:52,733

All right, mister comedy man,

you don't have to bust my balls.

00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:54,359

-You're not helping things.

-[ Clanking, buzzing ]

00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,528

Rick, is this thing

supposed to be making this

00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:57,904

[ Distorted ] noise?

00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,865

[ High-pitched ringing ]

00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:02,117

[ Gurgling ]

00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,497

[ Echoing ] Morty!

00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,124

-Ri-Rick.

-Morty!

00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,084

[ Groans ]

What happened?

00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,128

We blew up, idiot!

Are you really that stupid?

00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,046

Obviously the guy I yelled at

overloaded the machine.

00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:18,133

It takes more than that to kill

Rick and Morty, motherfucker!

00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:21,011

[ Roaring ]

00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:22,053

But this might do it.

00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,347

-Run, Morty!

-E-Everything hurts!

00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:25,849

GUNK RICK:

That's because you're worthless!

00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,602

[ Grunts ] Jesus,

how big was this explosion?

00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,270

I'm a genius.

I don't have time for this shit.

00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,230

W-W-We're in hell,

aren't we, Rick?

00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,399

You're so stupid, Morty.

You're an i[burps]diot.

00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,276

[ Burps ]

There's no such thing as hell.

00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,361

I believe you,

but I just want to die.

00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:41,364

You can die when I say so.

I control you.

00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,784

I control the universe!

Why am I bragging about that?

00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:44,951

I have nothing to prove.

00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:47,662

I'm surrounded by inferior

pieces of shit and...

00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:50,749

Toxins.

00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,251

We're not in hell, Morty.

We're in the detoxifier.

00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:55,212

The machine didn't blow up.

It worked normally.

00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:56,630

It removed our toxins.

00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:57,881

-We're the toxins.

-[ Screams ]

00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:00,759

Are you listening, you stupid

little garbage person?!

00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,928

We're what got removed!

00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:08,099

I hope you both found that detox

sufficiently relaxing.

00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:10,435

Hey, man, listen, those comments

I made about your throat?

00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:11,728

[ Clears throat ]

It's all good.

00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:13,480

It's nice of you

to let me off the hook.

00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:16,233

It's still unacceptable

behavior, and I do regret it.

00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:18,193

Believe me, man, I've been

working here a longtime.

00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,152

I get it.

00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:24,991

Hey, uh, you mind

if I put on some music?

00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,117

Not at all.

00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:27,369

[ Slow-tempo music plays ]

00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,746

♪ Grab my terrifolds ♪

00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,581

-What is that?

-I just hit shuffle.

00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,958

-Are you kidding?

-[ Chuckles ]

00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,585

This universe.

[ Belches ] Oh, excuse me.

00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,504

We should listen to one random

song a day, you know?

00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,089

We'd end up hearing

more songs we didn't like,

00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:40,924

but we'd discover

a lot more that we did.

00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,551

That is an interesting concept.

00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:43,802

You know, it makes me wonder

00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,178

if there's

an algorithmic expression

00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:46,888

that could achieve

the ideal ratio.

00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,181

[ Chuckles ]

Listen to me

00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:50,934

[ Laughs ] trying to calculate

happiness over here.

00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:52,477

Hoo, if anyone could, Rick.

00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:54,437

Hey, here's something

no science could measure.

00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,565

I'm real proud

to be your grandpa, Morty.

00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,650

Thanks, Rick.

I love you.

00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:01,152

Yeah, motherfucker!

Yeah! Get it! Get some!

00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,488

Right up your fucking bitch ass,

you fuck!

00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,448

Guess who just discovered

a new element?!

00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:06,741

You think you could do that,

Morty?

00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,870

You think anyone but me could do

that ever in a billion years?

00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:12,038

Do you think if God existed

he could do it?

00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:13,081

The answer is no.

00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,458

If God exists, it's fucking me.

00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,127

Yes, Rick.

I-I agree, Rick.

00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:19,796

While you were flapping

your parasitic turd holster,

00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,673

I discovered

the toxic equivalent

00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:22,799

of electricity, Morty.

00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:23,884

What do you think about that?

00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,760

Uh... I th... I think my voice

is annoying.

00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,554

It is,

and it's your best quality.

00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,139

So true.

00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,308

Now, who can tell me

the common denominator

00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,184

of these two fractions?

00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,520

You don't know

or y'all just bored?

00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,981

Hey, listen, you know, wha...

if we're all bored over here,

00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,983

wouldn't the common denominator

be [chuckles] you?

00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,402

-[ Laughter ]

-Damn, Morty. That's hilarious.

00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:44,905

Normally I would come down

on any kind of disruption,

00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,656

but it seems to represent

a positive change

00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:47,657

for your character.

00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:48,867

-Class dismissed!

-[ Chatter ]

00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:51,411

-Awesome, Morty!

-You done good, Morty.

00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:52,495

-GIRL: Oh, yeah!

-[ Bell rings ]

00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:53,914

-Thanks for the advice, Morty.

-You got it.

00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:55,665

-I did it, Morty!

-I knew you could.

00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:56,875

Hey, Morty, remember yesterday

00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,418

when I couldn't

play the trombone?

00:06:58,543 --> 00:06:59,794

Well, check this out!

00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,254

[ "When the Saints

Go Marching In" plays ]

00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:02,756

Just like I told you, Mitch.

00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,758

The music was in your heart

the whole time.

00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:05,884

Stupid hat.

00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,845

Wish I had the courage

to just be myself.

00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:10,221

There you are.

00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,307

[ Music continues ]

00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,225

You might have

all these idiots fooled,

00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,728

but I know you're still

the same pathetic loser

00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,980

hiding behind

a confident facade.

00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:20,607

I know that because...

00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,859

I'm doing the same thing,

brother.

00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,612

-I'm not alone anymore!

-[ Music resumes ]

00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:28,782

Hey, Morty. Word around school

is you've become super healthy.

00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:30,033

I don't know about all that.

00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,452

I do, however, know that I have

a pretty bad case of

00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,704

haven't taken you

to dinner-itis.

00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:36,206

Might be fatal.

[ Chuckles ]

00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:38,041

Hey, kids.

Uh, hope I'm not interrupting.

00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,459

Morty, a moment of your time?

00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:40,877

Happy to help, Rick.

00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:41,962

I hate to bug you with this,

00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:44,547

but after our morning hike,

I started receiving very faint,

00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,925

highly unusual transmissions

on my sub-ether phone.

00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,009

-Listen.

-[ Cellphone beeps ]

00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,554

[ Demonic whooshing, screams ]

00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,932

-[ Beep ]

-It's a bad phone. Chuck it.

00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:56,142

I downgraded to a clamshell

for emergencies only.

00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,894

You know, if... if... if

something's worth saying,

00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,145

i-it's worth eye contact.

00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:01,439

Uh, I-I-I traced

the source of the call

00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:02,941

back to the spa we went to,

Morty.

00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,275

I thought I could hear

a voice in there,

00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:05,986

so I enhanced it, a-and listen.

00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,570

[ Screaming ]

00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,489

-GUNK RICK: Hey, asshole!

-GUNK MORTY: Oh, man!

00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:11,449

-Remember us?

-I don't like confrontation!

00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:13,326

GUNK RICK: You fucked us,

you pieces of garbage!

00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:15,537

That's right,

you're fucking garbage, not us.

00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,455

I'm a fucking genius and a god.

00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:18,915

You really think

this thing can hold me?

00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,542

-I'm gonna rip your throat...

-[ Beep ]

00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,169

Morty, what if the toxic parts

of us have their own identities,

00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:24,379

their own will to live?

00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,214

W-What if mine shares

my intelligence

00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,091

and devised a way

to reach out to us?

00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,384

Sounds like

he's in a lot of pain.

00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,386

[ Smacks lips ]

Lot. O. Pain.

00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,263

But, you know, you shouldn't

have to deal with that, man.

00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:34,723

You know,

l-let's work off your trauma

00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,099

with some urban spin yoga.

00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,059

It's amazing.

You do yoga on a bike,

00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,227

but you have

an at-risk preteen...

00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,438

I don't think I can

just blow this off, Morty.

00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:43,898

If I had known it worked this

way, I wouldn't have detoxed.

00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,984

Well, I would have

because I was toxic.

00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:49,237

Now I'm detoxed and I'm

accountable to my toxins, right?

00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:52,198

-I-It's a dilemma.

-I think I know what to do.

00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,867

-Morty!

-Rlck! [ Laughs ]

00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:56,161

You know, the only problem here

is a big fat brain

00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:58,621

that misses eating

all them big fat problems.

00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:01,332

Focus on the good things.

Trust me, things are good.

00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,209

Taking that away from me

[ Chuckles ]

00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,045

that wouldn't be healthy.

00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,504

[ Ominous music plays ]

00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,298

[ Laughs ]

00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,800

Oh, man. World's Greatest

Grandpa, for reals.

00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,635

It's not just a coffee cup

for you, bud.

00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,054

You're legit.

00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:18,641

[ Piano music plays ]

00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,185

I love drums.

I never took drum lessons.

00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:23,229

Why? Limitations. We are

addicted to our own limitations.

00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:24,314

How amazing is that?

00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:25,732

Is the kale prepared

in the kitchen?

00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,400

-I'll have a water.

-Uh...

00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,861

how is the..."cru-dite?"

00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,280

Crudité.

It's a cup of carrot sticks.

00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,199

Ha! It's okay!

Pronounce it however you want.

00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:35,867

Words are just things.

Please. Thank you.

00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,202

We're having a conversation.

00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:40,121

God, I am so excited

to finally have dinner with you.

00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:41,581

You know how long

I've been waiting for this?

00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:43,083

It's like, whew!

00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,709

I-I-I wish you'd shut up,

though.

00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,377

Just kidding. You know,

you're so quiet. What's wrong?

00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:47,754

W-Why don't you tell me

about yourself?

00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,672

What's the atmosphere like

on planet Jessica?

00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:50,840

Where's the equator?

00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:53,051

What are the vacations

a-and the holidays?

00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:54,886

I mean, you know [ Laughs ]

are they the same time?

00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,055

-Talk to me.

-Well...I...

00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,515

like this restaurant.

00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,476

Holy shit! Holy shit!

We have a moron over here!

00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,519

I'm an idiot.

00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:03,978

I can't believe I haven't

thought of this.

00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,022

You have to do

this detox thing I did.

00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,816

It's at an alien spa.

You go through it.

00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,985

Fwoos-s-s-ssh,

lasers, bwaa-bwaa-bwaa.

00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,530

[ Imitates lasers ]

Sucks everything out.

00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,281

Everything that was holding me

back, everything bad,

00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,783

I mean, it just

[ Makes suction noises ]

00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:17,784

[ Laughs ] Right?

00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:20,370

Cooooool.

00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,789

Oh, my God!

I can't believe this.

00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:24,082

Yeah, phones are awful.

I downgraded to...

00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:26,251

I totally forgot my...

00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,754

I have a...thing, and...

00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:31,381

-Things are good.

-You know what?

00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,758

Why am I doing that?

That's more rude than the truth.

00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,386

Look, I'm sorry, Morty.

I just don't think...

00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:39,389

Do not. Even.

You have no need to explain.

00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,390

It's all good.

00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,933

I think you'd get bored with me.

00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,852

E-Exactly.

Look, the sparks aren't flying.

00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,603

This is what dating is for,

you know?

00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,564

[ Laughs ]

First date, no sparks.

00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:49,899

No damage, no worries.

Life is a highway.

00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,734

We're gonna ride it

all night lonnngg!

00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,820

Gonna eat some "crudite."

Mmm!

00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:56,281

Is this organic? Mmm.

All right.

00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,116

You know, the evening continues.

00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:00,410

Okay, here we go.

00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,704

Ma'am, I'm afraid I have

some bad news for you.

00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,455

Your money's no good here.

[ Laughs ]

00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:05,957

I'll... I'll get the next round,

sir.

00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:08,668

-Aren't you a child?

-Only in the ways that matter.

00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,628

-Morty.

-[ Sighs ] Stacy.

00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:12,005

I've been watching you drink,

Stacy.

00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,548

I get the feeling

you've got a hard job.

00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,216

I wonder what it takes

to please you.

00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,719

That's the job I want...

part time, full time,

00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,304

I want to be good at it,

bad at it.

00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:22,307

I want to get promoted, fired,

corner office, hostile takeover,

00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:23,349

workplace accident.

00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:24,684

I'm on my knees, Stacy,

00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:27,478

praying, worshiping, begging,

whatever you want.

00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,981

[ Sniffs ]

What do you think about that?

00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,650

Okay. Fuck it.

00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:33,651

-[ Glasses clink ]

-Tink.

00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,905

-[ Tires screech ]

-STACY: [ Giggling ] Mm!

00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,907

MORTY: Let's ask my grandpa.

He's a scientist.

00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,993

Hey, Rick, are you familiar

with Ben Wa technology?

00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:43,036

Morty, great news.

00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:44,579

I went back to the spa,

and they let me purchase

00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,331

the containment unit

from their detoxifier.

00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:47,290

Why?

00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:48,666

Because we're coming home,

bitch!

00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:49,500

What is this?

00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:51,920

This is the parts of your pussy

grandpa that keep it real.

00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,796

Oh... Oh, and I think

you dropped something, too!

00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:56,299

I don't want to be on-camera.

I'm ugly and gross. Please.

00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,092

-Should I go?

-You're your own person, Stacy.

00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,302

Then I'd like to stay.

00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:00,345

Rick, please tell me

00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,722

you're not trying to put

that stuff back inside of us.

00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,350

Morty, I'm sorry. That stuff

is alive and it belongs with us.

00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,518

We yanked them from their homes

and locked them in a can.

00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,062

-[ Clanks ]

-Motherfucker!

00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:10,521

See?

They're living in pain.

00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,148

That's what they do, Rick.

They live in pain.

00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:13,441

They are pain, you know?

00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,401

Th-They're all the bad parts

of us, which, by the way,

00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:16,653

includes our dishonesty,

00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,239

so how do you know this isn't

all some sort of crazy trick?

00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:21,074

Oh, so now because

I'm made entirely of toxins,

00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:22,116

I'm also a liar?

00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,410

Fuck you, you little sociopath.

You hear this, Morty?

00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:25,828

Oh, everybody hates me.

I can tell.

00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:27,247

-Y-You all hate me...

-All right, shut up, Morty.

00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:28,539

Healthy Rick,

are we doing this or what?

00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:30,750

Yep. Sorry, Morty. I need you

to step into the booth.

00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,919

Don't negotiate

with that little turd, dummy.

00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:35,046

You're the Rick.

You need to show dominance.

00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,924

Morty, booth, now. Booth!

00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,175

-Come on, Morty.

-Don't touch me!

00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,011

Morty, do the healthy thing and

voluntarily retoxify yourself.

00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:43,012

Nooooo!

00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:44,931

Is it wrong if I think

this is kind of hot?

00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,016

Let me out of here!

Stacy, help! Open the door!

00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:49,185

I need to hear our safe word,

Morty.

00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,728

Sea Cucumber!

Sea Cucumber!

00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:51,604

What are you doing?

00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,523

I'll do anything for you, Morty.

00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,900

[ Booth hisses, whirs ]

00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:59,279

It worked! [ Laughs ] Yes!

That idiot believed every word.

00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:01,906

Now let's see how he enjoys

living in that shit tank.

00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,408

He's right behind me, isn't he?

00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:06,160

-He's in front of you.

-My eyes are still adjusting.

00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,996

Uh, is this like a sex dungeon?

00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,415

I guess I should've been

paying attention.

00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,042

GUNK RICK: After 70 years

of being bottled up

00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,919

inside a [burps]

sentimental jackass,

00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:16,337

I finally get to live

my own life.

00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:17,422

You said we were merging.

00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,674

I lied, dumbass!

I lie about everything!

00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,884

Why would I ever re-merge

with a pussy like you?

00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,928

So...you were just gonna trap us

in that tank?

00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:24,929

T-That was your plan?

00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,806

Not was, motherfucker.

Still is.

00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,558

-[ Groans ]

-Kill him, Rick!

00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:30,059

I don't like this!

This is scary!

00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,144

All right, you asked for it.

00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:32,687

-Did I ask for this?

-[ Groans ]

00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,273

Did I ask for this?

Huh? Did I?

00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,567

-[ Whirs ]

-Assessing threat to groin.

00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:39,569

Groin System 6000.

Kill him!

00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:40,611

[ Whirs, beeps ]

00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,739

That...is my groin's user.

00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:44,615

Believe me, I got a lot more use

out of that thing

00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:45,450

than he ever did.

00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,952

You know What?

Not my table.

00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,496

[ Grunting ]

00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:54,542

-You do know me.

-[ Gasps ]

00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:56,794

What the hell, Grandpa Rick?

00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,421

-Fuck you, Summer!

-Sorry, Summer!

00:13:58,546 --> 00:13:59,630

[ Beep ]

00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:01,758

Okay, okay, take it easy.

Don't do it.

00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,009

[ Rapid beeping,

creature whimpers ]

00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:05,345

I love you. Good boy.

Daddy's little boy.

00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:06,596

Summer, get out of here! Go!

00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:07,597

Oh, who's that?

00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,349

Who[burps]'s that over there?

00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:11,434

Oh, no. You see the bad man

in front of you?

00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:13,394

You're a good little boy.

You're gonna get him.

00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,271

-[ Creature roars ]

-You're gonna get him.

00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,815

-Aah!

-[ Screams ]

00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:18,983

Son of a...

00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:22,987

[ Grunts ]

00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,823

[ Screams, moans ]

00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:27,825

[ Screams ]

Ahh!

00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:30,203

[ Roars ]

00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:31,621

Nice try, asshole.

00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:33,206

We can resolve

[panting] our issues.

00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,291

We don't need to resort

to over-the-top...

00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:36,626

[ Groans ]

00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:37,835

Aah!

00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,754

I-I did it, Rick.

I got the tank!

00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,589

I-I'm a piece of shit,

but I got the tank!

00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,049

You're going in that tank,

motherfucker.

00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:44,926

You're gonna [burps] live in

that toxic shit wasteland

00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:45,968

like I had to do!

00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:46,803

-Aah!

-Ow!

00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:50,223

[ Screaming ]

00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:51,808

GUNK RICK:

That's right, motherfucker.

00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:53,434

You're going in that fuckin'...

00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:56,145

Dads?

00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,147

Okay, just...

just leave her out of it.

00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:58,981

What's going on?

00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:00,316

All right, fuck this.

Time for plan B.

00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,151

If I can't trap you

in a toxic world,

00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:04,445

I'll just make the whole world

toxic.

00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:07,240

It's okay, girls.

00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,992

I-I'm so sorry I put us in

danger with some of my behavior.

00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:12,537

I-If you'd like,

I can go out in the g-garden,

00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,081

pick some fresh basil,

and make us a nice Scallopini.

00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,041

What did the booger version

of you mean

00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:19,502

when he said he was going to

make the whole world toxic?

00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:22,755

Believe me, sweetie, that man's

motivations are a mystery.

00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,507

Screw that, Rick.

We got to stop him.

00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:26,008

What's the last thing

you'd think about doing

00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:27,051

with that tank thing?

00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:28,803

Morty, I appreciate

what you're trying to do,

00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,388

but it's not our place,

you know,

00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:33,307

to pick and choose which world

gets saved from what apocalypse.

00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,269

Our... Our toxins have as much

a right to their worldview as...

00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:38,187

Morty, how is it healthy

to slap me?

00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,523

Obviously my version of health

is a hell of a lot different

00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:42,233

from yours,

you useless old turd.

00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,234

Wait. That's it.

00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,819

How could that detox machine

know the difference

00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,947

between healthy and sick for

everything that goes through it?

00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:48,781

It can't.

00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:51,868

It must be by the individual's

own definition of toxicity.

00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,661

That means...

00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,413

-Dad!

-What... What the hell, Rick?

00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:56,706

I'll explain on the way.

00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,541

GUNK RICK:

This "Moon Tower," Morty,

00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,460

i[burps]s the perfect height

and metallic composition

00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:03,045

for the a[burps]mplification

and beaming of toxic energies.

00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:04,213

What do you think about that,

Morty?

00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:05,506

Are you excited about that,

Morty?

00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:08,050

Oh, man. I'm just freaked out.

I-It's too high up here.

00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,260

Once I flip this switch,

00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:12,054

the entire world is gonna

be just as toxic as us, baby.

00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:14,599

[ Electrical crackling ]

00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:21,230

As we praise

our loving Father...

00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,983

God is a lie!

We made him up for money!

00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:26,360

[ Bells chiming ]

00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,155

[ Laughter, squeaking ]

00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,532

Santa Claus isn't real.

00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,285

You were all mistakes!

[ Groans ]

00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,954

[ Laughs ]

We fuckin' did it, Morty.

00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,247

Put your fuckin' hands

in the air.

00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:40,875

Yeah, you little piece of shit.

00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,001

Remember me?

00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:44,587

Didn't you learn last time

that you can't beat me?

00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,506

Yeah, I did. And then I learned

something else.

00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,257

-This.

-Aah! [ Screams, moans ]

00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,801

That bullet is laced with

an encrypted nanobotic virus

00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,596

that will disintegrate your

Morty in about, ah, 20 minutes.

00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:54,597

You think I give a shit?

00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,057

I know you give a shit, dummy.

00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,225

Because I know I don't.

00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,476

Here's another thing I know.

00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,520

The decryption key

that neutralizes the virus.

00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:01,854

You want it?

Come and get it.

00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:03,606

Merge with me and you'll know

how to save him.

00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:04,982

Pfft. Come on, man.

I've been trapped

00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,109

in your pussy brain

for 70 years of delusions,

00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:10,112

but this is the all-time weakest

bluff that I've ever...

00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,240

Jesus Christ!

What are you doing?!

00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:13,574

He's cutting your time in half.

00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,326

-10 minutes.

-What is your problem?

00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,495

Oh, I had all my problems

removed... my entitlement,

00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,455

my narcissism,

my crippling loneliness,

00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:21,791

my irrational attachments.

00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:23,626

They must be somewhere.

They ain't over here, bro.

00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:25,127

I'm not going back in there!

00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,671

Honestly,

I don't care either way.

00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:27,797

I hate having you in me.

00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,423

And when I say "honestly"

you can believe it,

00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,300

because we both know

I'm too healthy to lie.

00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:32,760

-Watch.

-[ Screams ]

00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,012

All right! Knock it off!

You're not impressing anyone.

00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:36,973

Morty, not that I give a shit,

but are you okay?

00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,975

-Jesus Christ, it hurts.

-Relax, quit your bitching.

00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:41,018

Y-You're gonna be fine.

Grandpa's here.

00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,603

-[ Laughs ]

-You think that's funny?

00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,522

Y-You got to have a sense

of humor about these things.

00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:45,731

Oh, wait, you can't.

00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,067

You're literally incapable

of seeing the bigger picture.

00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,694

I guess it's just funny

because you've never done

00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,529

anything but complain

about me being in charge,

00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:54,240

but if I ever gave you the wheel

we'd be dead in five minutes.

00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,867

-Rick?

-You poor, dumb, sick animal.

00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:57,910

[ Weakly ] Rick?

00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:00,162

Aah! Just do it!

00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:02,039

Just do it, you piece of...

00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,708

[ Groans ]

00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,836

I'm back, baby! Regular Rick!

Master of both worlds!

00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:08,212

Check it it out!

[ Farts ]

00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:09,880

"Excuse me."

00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:12,383

Now we'll just reverse

this hacky toxicity beam.

00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,343

Man, I really overthink shit

when I'm angry.

00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:17,179

[ Electricity crackles,

powers down ]

00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:19,348

-[ Moaning ]

-Oh, give it to me.

00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,809

Mm, ma-mah.

00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,687

God is not a lie.

00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:25,813

[ Whoosh! ]

00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,774

[ Bells chime ]

00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:32,111

[ Animalistic screeching ]

00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:33,571

[ Wailing ]

00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:34,905

Mommy! Mommy!

00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,365

Ha! All right, Morty,

00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:38,284

now it's time we re-merge

your little ass.

00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:39,327

You're a better man

than me, Rick.

00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,786

I'm healthy

enough to admit that!

00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:43,122

That kid

is a real piece of shit.

00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,665

Y-Y-You're gonna save me, right?

00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,168

Part of me wanted to,

Toxic Morty.

00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,879

Part of me really wanted to.

00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:51,464

[ Car horn beeps ]

00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:53,299

I'm telling you,

these shares are hot. Yeah.

00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:55,384

That sounds like a good idea.

It's definitely a good idea.

00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:57,803

MORTY: Duane, Duane, Duane,

I get it. Now can you get me?

00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:59,430

Have I ever lied to you?

00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:02,683

That's right, and ask around,

I never do, Duane.

00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,101

Let me put this real simple.

00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:06,646

This stock is a beautiful

redhead, recently single,

00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:09,148

not looking to date

but ready to fall in love,

00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:11,609

and fate has put her locker

two down from yours, Duane...

00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,778

two lockers down.

00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,821

So step up or step off, Duane.

00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,449

Blue pill or red pill,

what'll it be, bro?

00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,161

Totally understand, Duane.

00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:23,746

-You're the boss.

-[ Phone beeps ]

00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:25,289

Heinholz Biotech...

00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,249

million and a half

at thirty-three.

00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,168

-[ Cheers and applause ]

-Heh.

00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,253

You little fuckin' monster.

00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:33,756

[ Chopping ]

00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:34,840

[ Crunch ]

00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:36,717

Mmm! Is this organic?

00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,930

-[ Cellphone vibrates ]

-Go for Morty.

00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:42,807

JESSICA:

Hi, Morty. It's Jessica.

00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:45,184

Look, can we just talk

for a minute?

00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,478

Is that how long it takes

for Rick to trace my location?

00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,689

JESSICA: Come back, Morty.

I miss you.

00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:50,690

You miss the old me.

00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:52,149

You miss someone

that loved you so much,

00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:53,401

you never had to love 'em back.

00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,985

JESSICA: How do you know

I don't want to love you?

00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,446

-Because I'm not sick.

-Ex-girlfriend?

00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:58,739

Should I be jealous?

00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,199

There's nothing

to be jealous of.

00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:01,617

I just realized

that I'm scheduled

00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:04,078

to speak at that fundraiser

on our date night.

00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,454

I can cancel.

00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:06,997

We'll be together.

That's a date.

00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,958

You are the perfect man.

00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:11,460

Oh, sweetie, I think you hit

the wrong button.

00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:12,628

You didn't hang up.

00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,714

Huh. How 'bout that?

00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,340

[ Glass shatters ]

00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:19,218

[ Mechanical whirring ]

00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,470

Sorry, tiny American Psycho.

00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,723

Time to take the op[burps]posite

of your medicine.

00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:26,642

Do what you got to do.

[ Screams ]

00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,061

Oh! Ow! Aah!

00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,522

So, how do you feel, Morty?

00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:34,108

-Ah, geez. I'm miserable.

-Am I good or what?

00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,444

I guess it's worth it, though,

to know how much you care.

00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:39,113

Care? Me?

Morty, I'm fine with you.

00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,699

I-I only did this for him.

-You lying bitch.

00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,826

She kept coming to our house,

Morty, and kept asking me,

00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,244

"Did... Did... D-Did you get

a new Morty yet?"

00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,913

Because you kept drunk-dialing

me and crying about it.

00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:49,206

I wasn't crying!

00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:50,374

Jacquelyn, I...

00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,251

I-I-I wasn't who I said I was.

00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,920

You weren't a 14-year-old boy

from the Midwest

00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,756

who ran away from his family

and capitalized

00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:59,508

on his lack of conscience

by becoming a stock broker?

00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:01,719

Oh. I guess I was pretty

up front about that, wasn't I?

00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,345

You were up front

about everything.

00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:04,680

You were my soul mate.

00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:08,434

Well...

N-Not anymore.

I'll, um...

00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:09,935

Y-You can keep the apartment

00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,854

and... and... and,

uh...the drones.

00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:12,938

She can't keep the drones.

00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:14,440

They turn into

a little Voltron robot.

00:21:14,565 --> 00:21:15,566

They're awesome.

00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:16,817

[ Electrical whirring ]

00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:18,694

You can't keep the drones.

00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,196

[ School bell rings ]

00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:22,156

So, how was your date with Brad?

00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,116

It wasn't a date.

We were just having lunch.

00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:25,868

You guys are getting

back together, aren't you?

00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:27,328

Morty, I need your help

on an adventure.

00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:28,662

Eh, "need" is a strong word.

00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,539

We need door stops,

but a brick would work, too.

00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:31,749

Okay.

00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,168

Morty

00:21:35,252 --> 00:21:36,796

Good to have you back.

00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:40,007

Have you ever been peed on

before?

00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,760

Oh, my God. Yum.

00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:46,347

♪ Hey, did you ever want to hold

a terrifold? ♪

00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,098

♪ I got one right here ♪

00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:49,642

♪ Grab my terri-flap ♪

00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:50,810

♪ Squeeze it ♪

00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:53,229

♪ Grab it, squeeze it,

tug on my terri-flap ♪

00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:55,439

♪ Hey, I want to take you to ♪

00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,233

♪ The terrifold dance ♪

00:21:57,358 --> 00:22:00,402

♪ Wanna come with me?

You can grab my holdie-folds ♪

00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:02,112

♪ Squeeze 'em tight ♪

00:22:02,238 --> 00:22:03,572

♪ You son of a bitch ♪

00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:05,908

♪ Suck my holdie-flappy folds ♪

00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,577

♪ Lick my flappy foldie-holes ♪

00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:11,288

♪ My terri-flaps in your mouth ♪

00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:13,666

♪ Suck my flaps,

you piece of shit ♪

00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:16,418

♪ [ Echoes ] Whoo ♪

00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:19,088

MAN: Although only a handful

of moon towers remain today,

00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:21,799

they were popular

in the late 19th century.

00:22:21,924 --> 00:22:24,385

An entire town could be

illuminated by...

00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:25,803

What the hell is this?

00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:27,471

[ Beeps, hisses ]

00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:29,056

-Sea Cucumber!

-[ Tour guide screams ]

00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:31,308

Sea Cucumber!