Виндикаторы 3: Возвращение концесветника

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Если их ДНК попадёт в пищевую цепь,

весь наш вид может стать бесплодным.

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Тогда почему мы их не убиваем?

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Ага, а когда мне потребуется обесплодить вид,

кто это сделает, ты?

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Ууу, Рик, это что, сигнал Поборников?

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Поборники призвали нас на общий сбор!

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Я отказываюсь отвечать на буквальный

зов приключений, Морти. Пусть с автоответчиком общаются.

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Рик, Поборники связываются, только когда

сама вселенная оказывается под угрозой.

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Они - первая линия обороны против зла.

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Они - защитники беззащитных.

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Они сами пишут свои пресс-релизы, Морти.

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Они - кучка паникёров. Час они тратят на болтовню,

а потом 20 минут носятся, как угарелые, пока корабль взрывается.

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Это такая стадия. Мы уже это делали,

что большим событием прошлого лета. Забудь об этом.

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Я, Морти Смит, использую своё право

отправиться на одно из десяти

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- приключений Рика и Морти. Читай и рыдай.

- Да чтоб...

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тебя черти дрючили!

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Ладно, только не говори, что я тебя

не предупреждал.

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Да! Флагманский корабль Поборников,

сигнал принят.

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У нас будут Поборники двааааааа!

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Упс, Морти, советую тебе заморозить сперму.

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Авторы перевода

Женя Спицын и Сарыч

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Поборники, Губитель Миров вернулся.

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И в этот раз он собирается погубить

не просто миры.

00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:36,950

У нас есть основания полагать, что его

цитадель находится на...

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...моих яйцах.

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Рик!

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...в системе Терранеус.

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Как только мы окажемся рядом, Миллион Муравьёв

проведёт сканирование на наличие активности феромонов,

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что должно привести нас к местонахождению базы.

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О, так это Миллион Муравьёв?

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Отсюда я не вижу, что это муравьи.

Я думал, что это - Какамен.

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Шебутной Какамен.

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Рик, перестань!

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Рик, ты хотел бы что-то добавить

к инструктажу?

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Да, всего лишь пару примечаний к проекту.

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Этот чувак...

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Это...

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Я - Крокобот.

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Ну да, Крокобот.

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Значит, ты наполовину холодная

бесчувственная рептилия, и наполовину

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такая же холодная и бесчувственная

машина.

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Да.

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Ого. И какая твоя история происхождения?

Ты упал в колодец чрезмерности?

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Вот блин!

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Нуб Нуб, у нас инструктаж.

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Если позволишь продолжить, Рик, я думаю,

мы наткнёмся на продвинутые меры безопасности.

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Полагаю, ты можешь с этим помочь.

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Дайте-ка сверюсь со своим списком

сил и слабостей.

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Способность делать, что угодно,

но только когда захочу.

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Думаю, что мне это по зубам.

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Вот бы у меня была способность

пресечь его понты.

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Алан Рельсы, дамы и господа.

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После трагической смерти родителей в железнодорожной

аварии, он получил способность призывать поезда-призраки.

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Но не всё так плохо.

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Больше всего они боялись, что их сын

будет дуть в свисток.

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Вот блииин!

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Спасибо, Нуб Нуб.

Этот парень в теме.

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Вэнс Максимус, звёздный солдат вне закона.

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Простите за опоздание,

попал в магазине на время скидок.

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Время скидок.

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Я тоже опоздал, потому что пил, в ответ на что

получил ноль апплодисментов.

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Рик Санчез, умелец ужасов.

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Тяжело выговорить.

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Иии Морти, верно?

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Ого, да!

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Никогда не забывал ни про одного ребёнка.

Что скажете, Поборники, сделаем три из трёх?

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Да!

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Он сказал "три из трёх"?

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Он сказал, что никогда не забывал

ни про одного ребёнка?

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Ты хотел сказать "два из двух",

верно, Вэнс?

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Вообще-то мы собирались прошлым летом, чтобы

сразиться со Смертомитроном.

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Значит это Поборники 3?

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А Поборники 2 были без нас?

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Я чувствую неуверенность.

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А ты уверен? А то может

здесь пикник неподалёку?

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Похоже, он нашёл свою публику.

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Довольно подло, ребята.

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Надеюсь, тебя радует это приключение, Морти.

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Они стали даже ещё отстойнее,

чем в прошлый раз.

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В прошлый раз нас здесь не было, забыл?

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Поборники всё сделали без нас.

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А ещё многие из них погибли. Они потеряли

Леди Катану, Калипсо, Диабло Верде.

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Ой. Да, раньше разнообразием они не блистали.

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В статье сказано, что в прошлый раз нас не позвали

из-за личностного конфликта.

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Не переживай, Морти. Они любят тебя.

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Супергероям нужны наивные, непримечательные

люди, чтобы те были рядом и вели себя так, будто им крышут сносит.

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Мне кажется, что причиной личностного конфликта

мог быть ты.

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Боже.

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Ну разве не круто?

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Я был им так сильно не нужен, что им пришлось убить

трёх невинных цветных героев, и им всё равно пришлось вернуть меня?

00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,620

Рик, раз уж это моё приключение и всё такое,

ты мог бы сделать мне одолжение?

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Эм, а приключение разве

уже не одолжение, Морти?

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То, что я сплю на этом белье, не одолжение?

00:04:35,370 --> 00:04:37,880

В смысле, за ч-ч-что мы вообщем боремся?

За удобство?

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Рик, меня это всерьёз обескураживает. Мне очень

стыдно, что эти ребята не любят нас.

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Почему? Морти, каждую неделю я побеждаю

гагусов посильнее этих ребят.

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Да, но не героев.

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Я тебя умоляю, они просто называют

себя так, чтобы...

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Я их так называю, Рик! Это мои герои! Мои!

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Хм. О вкусах не спорят.

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Пойду выпью чего-нибудь.

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Доброе утро, Поборники. Корабль прибыл

в систему Терранеус.

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Всем Поборникам следует явиться...

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...в комнату инструктажа.

В комнату из...

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...эта комната отличается от...

00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:21,710

комнаты для переговоров.

00:05:22,110 --> 00:05:25,750

Извините, я сегодня первый день работаю

на громкой связи. Мандраж первого дня.

00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:30,510

О боже.

00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:33,260

Доброе утро. Похоже, что у твоего

дедушки была та ещё ночка.

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Крокобот, почему бы тебе не сопроводить мистера Санчеза

в более удобное место, чтобы кое-кто смог...

00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,550

...убрать его диарею.

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Я волнуюсь на своём первом задании.

00:05:44,780 --> 00:05:46,730

Вообще-то Нуб Нуб, у тебя

новое задание.

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Вот блин.

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Поборники, готовьтесь к приземлению.

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Морти, мы с Поборниками поговорили утром,

и боюсь, что необходимо внести изменения.

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Я всё понимаю. Мне очень жаль.

00:05:58,710 --> 00:06:02,380

Тебе и должно быть жаль... что ты ходишь в жёлтой

футболке, будто ты не один из нас.

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Позор.

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Я-я...

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Я же не супергерой.

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Присядь-ка, шеф.

Каждый человек во вселенной - герой.

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Тебе всего лишь нужно отличать

добро от зла, и поддерживать добро.

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Рик говорит, что добро и зло - это

искусственные понятия.

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Ну да, сдаётся мне...

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...что в его случае, это верно.

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Не идёшь с нами, Нуб Нуб?

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Нет, у меня...

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у меня ещё остались дела.

00:06:32,450 --> 00:06:33,740

Охранные дроны на подлёте.

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Звёздная Мать, одари меня своей яростью.

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Все на посадку!

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Турели.

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Ты цел?

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Да.

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Я потерял всего лишь 400 муравьёв.

Моя королева откладывает ещё яица.

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Теперь во мне снова Миллион Муравьёв.

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Кто-нибудь, разбудите Санчеза.

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О, господи.

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Рик, ты проснулся.

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Едва ли.

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Мы находимся под огнём автоматических

турелей. Ты можешь их выключить?

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Ага.

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О боже, так-то лучше.

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Рик!

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Слушай, я не могу помочь, если не могу видеть.

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Я мог бы просто призвать поезд-призрак.

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Правда? Ой, не говори.

Ты бы просто призвал поезд-призрак.

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Слушайте все, чувак с поездом-призраком

воспользовался бы поездом-призраком.

00:07:55,810 --> 00:07:56,710

Да иди ты нахуй.

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Есть у кого кофе?

00:07:57,620 --> 00:08:00,510

Эй, Морти, будь другом. Дедушка оставил кофеварку

на корабле...

00:08:00,930 --> 00:08:01,930

Ну, такую, с французским жимом...

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Сам за ней иди.

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Эти утром ты особенно грубый, не так ли?

00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:10,500

Сосредоточься на задании, ладно?

00:08:10,530 --> 00:08:12,390

Ой-ёй, извини, ты прав.

00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:15,440

Ууу, морда кирпичом. Надо сделать морду кирпичом, да?

00:08:17,810 --> 00:08:19,150

Ёлы-шпалы!

00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,160

Все мертвы.

00:08:20,220 --> 00:08:22,920

Зачем Губитель Миров сделал это со своими мужчинами...

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и несколькими женщинами.

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Ну, он же Губитель Миров. Чувак губит миры.

Это его фишка.

00:08:27,860 --> 00:08:32,120

Ууу, как страшно. Я в охуенной готовности.

В полной боевой готовности.

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Берегитесь!

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Какого хуя?

00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:38,790

Это Губитель Миров.

Что с ним произошло?

00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:42,210

Я чувствую, как жизнь покидает его.

00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:46,390

Миллион Муравьёв, дамы и господа. Муравьиная

колония, обладающая силой двух человеческих глаз.

00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,240

Что ж, короткое задание - хорошее задание.

00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:52,560

Помните, как Алан призвал поезд-призрак?

00:08:52,580 --> 00:08:54,570

Увидимся в Поборниках 4. Морти?

00:08:54,730 --> 00:08:57,560

Рик, тот, кто это сделал, является

ещё большей угрозой, чем Губитель Миров.

00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:58,860

Нельзя уходить сейчас.

00:08:58,890 --> 00:09:01,050

Он прав. Конец ещё далеко.

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Что ж, удачи в этом деле.

00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:06,830

Мы с Морти уже час назад должны были встретиться с Леди Кометой,

Человеком-Монорельсом, Двумя Говнюками и Целым Аллигатором.

00:09:20,210 --> 00:09:21,100

Дерьмо.

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Я чувствую присутствие ещё большего зла.

00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,360

Проверка, раз, два.

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Так, уже пишет? Хорошо.

00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,080

Здарова, Поборники. Добро пожаловать

на расплату, деткаааааа!

00:09:35,820 --> 00:09:39,220

Что ж, официально заявляю, вчера я перебрал.

00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:44,810

Вы это смотрите? Ну вы... Поборники.

00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:45,990

Теперь, когда нам известно, что...

00:09:46,010 --> 00:09:46,390

Рик?

00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,030

Что происходит, приятель?

00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:51,250

Очевидно, что я пришёл сюда вчера,

но ничего не помню.

00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,810

Очевидно? Ты пришёл сюда и одолел

нашего заклятого врага

00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:56,920

в таком пьяном виде, что даже этого не помнишь?

00:09:57,050 --> 00:09:59,140

И для тебя это очевидно?

00:09:59,170 --> 00:10:01,230

Послушайте, я не такой простой, как вы, ребята...

00:10:01,540 --> 00:10:05,790

Без обид, но я заметил, что большую часть из того,

что вы делаете за год, можно забабахать за пару часов.

00:10:06,130 --> 00:10:10,350

И я подумал, почему бы просто не сделать вашу

работу за вас, чтобы мы смогли сыграть в весёлую игру.

00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:14,780

Рик, это что, как в "Пиле"?

00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,390

Ты серьёзно хочешь "распилить" Поборников?

00:10:17,420 --> 00:10:19,250

Морти, я - алкаш, а не шаблонщик.

00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:23,060

Если нарушите правила, проиграете

или попытаетесь сбежать, то умрёте.

00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,880

Как в "Пилееее".

00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:28,300

Мы видели достаточно, сейчас попробую

вырубить это.

00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:29,410

Погнали, правило №1.

00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:32,990

По всей галактике знают, кто такие Поборники, но

знают ли вы сами себя?

00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,270

Вы знаете, кто вы?

00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:38,250

Соспоставьте своё... своё дерьмо, с-свои фишки,

с-свои лица и...

00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:40,600

Вы поняли. Надо подобрать соответствие.

00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:44,120

Сделайте это за три минуты или умрёте.

00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:48,390

К чёрту, я не буду в это играть.

Я найду отсюда выход.

00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,420

Так-так-так, погоди, Вэнс.

Он сказал, что ты умрёшь, если попытаешься уйти.

00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:52,540

А значит нас ждут ловушки.

00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:55,090

Почему ты ведёшь себя так, будто это не ты?

00:10:55,110 --> 00:10:57,940

Какое слово в "потере памяти" ты не понимаешь?

Ты вроде как сам пьёшь.

00:10:58,130 --> 00:11:02,810

Я пью, как крутой парень, как сексуальный тип,

а не как психопат из трейлерного парка, блин.

00:11:02,900 --> 00:11:04,180

Вэнс, сохраняй спокойствие.

00:11:04,210 --> 00:11:06,550

О, значит теперь ты наш лидер,

раз мы подарили тебе жилетку?

00:11:06,570 --> 00:11:08,940

Ты - умственно-отсталый пацан, с которым

мы делаем совместные фотографии.

00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,060

Ладно, обидно, но...

00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,140

Так... я теряю самообладание.

00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:13,760

Мне нужно пространство.

00:11:14,230 --> 00:11:16,930

Мне нужно убраться отсюда!

00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,470

Назови хоть одну причину, почему

я не должен задушить тебя.

00:11:43,490 --> 00:11:46,550

Потому что мой верхний слой кожи привязан к

нановолоконной защитной сети.

00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,330

И потому что, как я и говорил, я не помню,

что было прошлой ночью.

00:11:49,350 --> 00:11:51,960

Я же говорил, что не нужно было

звать обратно этого усохшего уёбка.

00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:56,760

Алан, я не горжусь тем, что здесь происходит, но если и дальше будешь

нападать на меня, то на поезд-призрак зайдёт новый пассажир.

00:11:57,180 --> 00:11:59,800

Ребята, я разобрался.

00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,060

Поздравляю, вы справились!

00:12:02,830 --> 00:12:05,870

Это была уловка. Каждое описание

подходило каждому из вас.

00:12:06,110 --> 00:12:08,920

Пьяный Рик хотел показать, что вы не особенны

и ничем не примечательны.

00:12:09,410 --> 00:12:10,780

Он всегда хочет это показать.

00:12:10,910 --> 00:12:13,190

Давайте разберёмся с этим как можно быстрее.

00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:15,050

А потом разберёмся с вами обоими.

00:12:15,070 --> 00:12:17,620

С обоими? Надеюсь, ты гордишься собой.

00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:20,660

Ну, типа, горжусь. Я спас чёртову вселенную.

00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:21,730

Проблема не в этом, Рик.

00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:23,460

А было бы в этом, если бы не спас.

00:12:23,870 --> 00:12:27,420

Поборники говорят, что их работа - бороться

со злом, где бы оно ни скрывалось.

00:12:27,770 --> 00:12:28,400

Но они не...

00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,160

Выберите место, ты будете...

00:12:30,790 --> 00:12:33,000

Они никогда об этом не упомянут,

00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:35,940

но бороться с тьмой значит бороться с собой.

00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,650

О! Я знаю, что это. Дориан 5!

00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:39,560

Крокобот, не надо...

00:12:39,590 --> 00:12:43,670

Другого ответа просто не может быть.

Моя логика машины и рептилии уверена в этом.

00:12:47,570 --> 00:12:49,040

Тут скорее больше крокодила,

чем робота.

00:12:49,070 --> 00:12:50,010

Чёрт возьми!

00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:52,210

А что случилось на Дориан 5?

00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:52,740

Ничего.

00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:56,030

Ничего? Мы истребили жизнь на планете.

00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:57,100

Погодите, что?

00:12:57,150 --> 00:12:59,120

Там скрывался Смертомитрон.

00:12:59,140 --> 00:13:03,230

Он мог менять форму. Уничтожение Дориан 5

было единственным способом убить его!

00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:07,010

Давайте, ребят, у нас у всех это на уме,

не заставляйте меня говорить за вас.

00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,110

О, ну ладно, опять двадцать пять?

00:13:09,140 --> 00:13:13,050

Знаете, я мог бы собрать вам прибор, который

засёк бы Смертомитрона на раз...

00:13:13,330 --> 00:13:13,630

два.

00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:16,500

Это не я не хотела возвращать тебя,

а Алан.

00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:20,180

Если ты ещё раз возложишь эти смерти

на мои плечи...

00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,160

Не угрожай ей.

00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,960

Поздравляю, вы справились!

00:13:25,030 --> 00:13:26,580

Что это ещё за хрень такая, Израиль?

00:13:26,610 --> 00:13:29,820

Рик начинает болтать о нём,

когда напивается вдрызг.

00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,610

Что? Ч-ч-что я о нём говорю?

00:13:31,630 --> 00:13:32,950

Ч-ч-что я хочу сказать?

00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:37,660

Да ничего. Ты просто бубнишь о военных бюджетах

и об ООН, а потом вырубаешься.

00:13:37,690 --> 00:13:40,190

Так, давайте проясним, иногда я

00:13:40,310 --> 00:13:43,150

ссылаюсь на геополитические сложности темы...

00:13:43,470 --> 00:13:45,430

А это не одно и то же, что посещать

антисемитские места.

00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:46,860

Мне это не интересно...

00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:51,540

Мне тоже, я просто говорю, что раз на то пошло,

то пьяный я, видимо, так сильно поддерживает Израиль,

00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:52,730

что желает ему только лучшего и...

00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,830

Эй, чувак. Я в это не лезу.

Делай, как считаешь нужным.

00:13:59,110 --> 00:14:00,000

Алоха...

00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:02,560

означает и "привет", и "пока" на Гавайях, но...

00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,180

Но что означает алоха...

00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,190

никак не связано с этой комнатой.

00:14:08,660 --> 00:14:09,630

Я просто в распиздень.

00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,100

Ладно, давайте так...

00:14:12,210 --> 00:14:14,930

Я прикрою глаза ненадолго, я не буду спать, я просто...

00:14:15,350 --> 00:14:16,760

дам глазам отдохнуть,

00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:18,440

так что здесь всё будет просто.

00:14:18,690 --> 00:14:20,790

Попробуйте забить трёхочковые, скажем...

00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:25,040

Забейте пять трёхочковых за пять минут, а иначе... даже не знаю.

00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:28,670

Всё это место или вся планету взорвёт нейтрино бомба.

00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:32,840

Я пытаюсь преподать вам урок о том,

какие вы самовлюблённые...

00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:33,890

Или типа того...

00:14:34,330 --> 00:14:35,440

А ещё о Гавайях.

00:14:35,950 --> 00:14:40,030

Кидайте мяч в корзину, а я обезврежу

собранную по пьяни нейтрино бомбу.

00:14:40,150 --> 00:14:42,000

Есть 40-процентный шанс, что она не взорвётся, но...

00:14:42,630 --> 00:14:43,880

лучше вам держаться подальше.

00:14:43,990 --> 00:14:44,800

Морти, сколько ты их...

00:14:44,830 --> 00:14:46,490

Слишком много, Рик. Слишком много!

00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,440

Блин, да уж, сегодня я показываю

себя с лучшей стороны.

00:14:53,140 --> 00:14:54,370

Трёхочковый.

00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,040

Отличный бросок.

00:14:55,210 --> 00:14:56,080

Спасибо.

00:14:56,150 --> 00:14:57,690

Из вас двоих выходит отличная команда.

00:14:58,780 --> 00:14:59,440

Из всех нас.

00:15:00,310 --> 00:15:01,300

Да, наверное.

00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:02,840

Трёхочковый.

00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:06,580

Но у вас, ребят, всегда была эта негласная связь.

00:15:07,350 --> 00:15:09,460

По-настоящему негласная.

00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,930

Такая негласная, что о ней не стоит

рассказывать своему мужу.

00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:18,050

Мы больше не женаты, Алан.

00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,020

Конечно, но были ли мы женаты,

00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:23,830

когда вы двое на три дня "пропали без вести"

на Дельфи Шесть?

00:15:23,860 --> 00:15:28,330

Потому что я почувствовал что-то неладное, когда вы вернулись.

00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:31,010

Но что уж мне знать о чувственности?

00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,720

Я ведь всего лишь проводник в поезде-призраке.

00:15:32,750 --> 00:15:35,970

А ты - куча обыкновенных жуков, что ебётся с моей женой!

00:15:37,130 --> 00:15:38,440

Трёхочковый.

00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:39,670

Где, блядь, этот питающий провод?

00:15:39,820 --> 00:15:41,180

Ты всегда запихиваешь его черт знает куда.

00:15:41,210 --> 00:15:42,560

А, ааах, может быть, вот тут?

00:15:42,580 --> 00:15:44,580

Бог ты мой, какая же дерьмовая нейтрино бомба.

00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,500

Просто чудо, что я хоть что-то уничтожаю.

00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:47,220

Ну не знаю даже.

00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:49,440

Сегодня у тебя вышло уничтожить почти что всё.

00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:50,660

Злодеев, героев,

00:15:50,690 --> 00:15:52,460

границы, их разделяющие, моё детство.

00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,610

Спасибо, я это ценю, Морти,

00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:57,400

я знаю, что ты посасываешь поборнический хер, так что

00:15:57,430 --> 00:15:59,790

тебе довольно таки тяжко принять тот факт,

что я был прав на их счёт.

00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:01,600

Да, это так.

И знаешь почему, Рик?

00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:04,150

Потому что, когда ты ведешь себя, как мудак,

твоя правота не имеет значения,

00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,020

никто не хочет, чтобы ты насладился ею.

00:16:06,050 --> 00:16:08,190

Знаю. Всем хочется, чтобы их любимчики всегда были правы.

00:16:08,350 --> 00:16:10,310

Вот почему все популярые люди такие, в рот их ебись, бараны.

00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:15,030

И почему твои надменные, непроработанные, крупнобюджетные друзья

могут навернуть двойной сэндвич с говном.

00:16:15,430 --> 00:16:16,450

Обезвредил.

00:16:16,580 --> 00:16:18,650

Да ты, чёрт возьми, завидуешь.

00:16:18,820 --> 00:16:20,920

Да! Ты это хотел услышать?

00:16:20,950 --> 00:16:22,210

Тебе понравилось?

00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:29,140

Тебе понравились его шесть миллионов извивающихся лапок

больше, чем мой постигший трагедию, полупризрачный, полупарящий хрен?

00:16:29,170 --> 00:16:31,930

- Ребят, прекратите! Вы лишь доказываете, что мой мудак-дедушка прав!

- Трёхочковый.

00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,150

Тебе бы хотелось верить, что дело только в сексе!

Мы любили друг друга!

00:16:35,470 --> 00:16:37,080

У нас был ребёнок!

00:16:37,110 --> 00:16:37,600

Чего?

00:16:37,690 --> 00:16:41,360

Мы с Миллионом Муравьев зачали ребёнка, и он погиб во мне,

00:16:41,390 --> 00:16:45,530

потому что там было полмиллиона муравьев и

наполовину сколлапсировавшаяся звезда!

00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:49,550

И да.

Он был куда лучше тебя.

00:16:49,570 --> 00:16:50,040

Да?

00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,250

В миллион раз лучше!

00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,320

На посаааадку, пидрила!

00:16:55,350 --> 00:16:57,320

Остановитесь!

00:17:00,660 --> 00:17:02,290

Фууу.

Этого я не ожидал.

00:17:02,340 --> 00:17:03,420

Это сарказм?

00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,670

Я не позволю вам ускользнуть, когда всё закончится.

00:17:05,730 --> 00:17:07,770

Все эти смерти на твоих руках.

00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,610

Да брось, быть может, парочка - да.

Но точно не смерть проводника.

00:17:11,090 --> 00:17:11,940

Все смерти.

00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,200

Ладно.

00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,110

Вы справились! Поздравляю!

00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:21,550

Что ж, теперь уже всем стало ясно, что Поборники

полны дерьма.

00:17:21,580 --> 00:17:24,150

Однако. У вас есть то, чего у меня не будет никогда.

00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,690

И только это я хоть как-то ценю в Поборниках.

00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,410

Если вы знаете, о чём я, поместите это на платформу.

00:17:30,530 --> 00:17:33,290

Ошибётесь - взорвёте всю планету.

00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:34,590

И, возможно, солнечную систему,

00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:37,410

потому что, в этот раз я сделал

заебатую нейтрино бомбу.

00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:41,020

Так в чём подвох? Морти, ты - эксперт по пьяному Рику.

00:17:41,950 --> 00:17:45,270

Я думаю, что бы мы туда ни положили, мы умрём.

00:17:45,610 --> 00:17:48,020

Он сказал, что это часть Поборников, которую он ценит.

00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:49,040

Что значит - ничего.

00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:52,320

Он хочет, чтобы в свои последние мгновения,

мы осознали, насколько ему на всё похуям.

00:17:52,350 --> 00:17:54,880

Боже! Хорошо, у кого есть еще варианты?

00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:56,360

Быть может...

Быть может, это Морти.

00:17:56,380 --> 00:17:56,760

Что?

00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:57,800

Эй, я не знаю.

00:17:57,850 --> 00:17:59,380

Ну сам посуди, когда я напиваюсь,

00:17:59,410 --> 00:18:01,380

меня пробирает на глупости и эмоции, и в этом нет никакой логики.

00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:01,990

Ну типа,

00:18:02,390 --> 00:18:06,040

возможно, я напился настолько, что я почувствовал,

будто Морти уходит от меня к Поборникам.

00:18:06,060 --> 00:18:08,770

И, может быть,

так я пытался сказать: "Хорошо,

00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,080

можете забрать его, но только если будете знать, насколько он важен

00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:12,420

или же я убью вас."

00:18:12,450 --> 00:18:14,970

Это, довольно детальная догадка.

00:18:14,990 --> 00:18:17,600

Слушайте, к-к-кроме нас в этой комнате ни души.

00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,780

Я использую логику, чтобы получить

цельную картину.

00:18:19,810 --> 00:18:20,900

Это моя лучшая догадка.

00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,090

И ты ставишь на неё наши жизни.

00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,190

Ставок больше нет.

Я всё понял.

00:18:25,410 --> 00:18:27,460

Что ж, Морти, я думаю, у тебя на лице ухмылка,

00:18:27,490 --> 00:18:29,120

потому что ты неправильно всё понял.

00:18:29,140 --> 00:18:31,540

Я не пытаюсь утаить какую-то скрытую любовь к тебе.

00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,970

Я хочу прояснить, что, если у кого-то есть варианты получше,

00:18:33,990 --> 00:18:36,200

как например, может, я вчера дал

амулет кому-то из вас или...

00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:42,120

Дерьмо.

00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:49,540

Прости. Мне никогда не удавались прощания,

и я пьян, так что, ну знаешь, я просто...

00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,130

Похоже, мы с тобой видимся в последний раз.

00:18:52,550 --> 00:18:54,150

Я не умею уживаться с героями.

00:18:54,180 --> 00:18:56,560

И я не... они...

Они не хотят водится со мной.

00:18:56,580 --> 00:19:00,170

Но я хочу, чтобы ты знал,

что даже если я и не показывал это.

00:19:00,190 --> 00:19:02,340

Я очень ценю,

что ты рядом со мной.

00:19:03,190 --> 00:19:06,560

Черт побери, почему я плачу?

В этом нет смысла.

00:19:07,010 --> 00:19:08,580

Аагх, ты...

Ты, возможно, озадачен,

00:19:08,610 --> 00:19:09,800

потому что мы друг друга едва знаем,

00:19:09,830 --> 00:19:11,660

но ты серьезно подставил себя под удар,

00:19:11,690 --> 00:19:14,340

когда поддержал мои первоклассные шутки

тогда в комнате инструктажа.

00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,910

Остальные никак не могут вытащить головы из своих задниц.

00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:20,810

Даже мой собственный внук был такой:

"Ооо, Поборники, да они такие крутые!"

00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:23,810

В смысле он кретин. Это их аудитория.

00:19:24,150 --> 00:19:25,530

Но ты не такой, как они, Нуб Нуб.

00:19:25,550 --> 00:19:27,500

Ах ты уёбок.

00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,760

Ты, блять, охуенен!

И ты умный.

00:19:29,790 --> 00:19:32,470

И мы могли бы, вместе тусить и...

00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:34,970

И я искренне надеюсь, что у тебя получится

стать полноправным Поборником.

00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,410

и... и сд...

Сделай мне одолжение:

00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,620

никто не должен знать, что я-я стал неженкой.

00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,370

Но скажи им вот что.

00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:41,830

Передай им что...

00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,560

Ох, блядь. Лады, я наложил в портки. Лады, поки.

00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:53,150

- Чт... Чувак, Морти, что случилось?

- Заткнись.

00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:57,380

Я чувствую, это значит, что мы не умрём.

00:19:57,410 --> 00:19:58,490

Лишь некоторые из нас.

00:19:59,340 --> 00:20:00,320

Сладуля моя.

00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:02,550

Дай Сосисечка всё сделает, Прижимашечка.

00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:03,610

Это ради общего блага.

00:20:03,630 --> 00:20:04,480

- Общего блага?

- Сосисечка?

00:20:04,510 --> 00:20:06,010

Всё, как ты говорил, Морти.

00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:08,150

- Нет ни "хорошего", ни "плохого".

- Не говорил я такого.

00:20:08,180 --> 00:20:13,150

Вся галактика верит в то, что Поборники обезопасят её.

00:20:13,180 --> 00:20:14,360

Агась,

Как же мне сейчас безопасно.

00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,700

Несомненно, на чьё имя нам выписать чек?

00:20:16,730 --> 00:20:20,400

- Надо сказать, мы в долгу не останемся после нашего удушения.

- Ага?

00:20:20,430 --> 00:20:21,990

Сосисечка,

внемли мне.

00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:23,340

Когда ты пришла ко мне,

00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:25,670

я был всего лишь разумной колонией муравьев.

00:20:25,700 --> 00:20:28,850

Твои убеждения,

твоё стремление к справедливости...

00:20:28,870 --> 00:20:30,710

научили меня человечности.

00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,580

Когда всё это стало так сложно?

00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,580

Кто знает?

Но мы можем жить по-простому.

00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:38,200

Ты всегда был романтиком.

00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,540

И поэтому тебе тоже не спастись.

00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:45,610

Прости, любовь моя.

00:20:47,030 --> 00:20:49,240

Блиииин!

Она предательски грохнула Прижимашечку!

00:20:49,270 --> 00:20:52,360

Молчать!

Я наслажусь вашей...

00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:54,610

Давайте как следует отблагодарим Рика Санчеза

00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,180

за убийство Губителя Миров, организацию этого улетного тусича,

00:20:57,210 --> 00:21:00,700

и за то, что он пригласил самого зачётного и талантливого чувака ,

00:21:00,730 --> 00:21:03,550

Лоджика!

Ооооу, да!

00:21:04,670 --> 00:21:05,920

- Только посмотри!

- Ща все будет.

00:21:06,050 --> 00:21:07,170

- Блин, да я устроил целую вечеринку.

- Ща все будет.

00:21:07,190 --> 00:21:08,650

- Пригласил всех кучу людей.

- С вами Лоджик, народ!

00:21:08,670 --> 00:21:10,700

- Неплохо, бухаРик, неплохо.

- Привет моему корешу Рику.

00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:11,960

Вы готовы?

00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:14,390

Чух-чух, Машинист, чел,

его стук на путях трагедии.

00:21:14,420 --> 00:21:16,410

Супернова могла бы быть и пораздетее.

00:21:16,430 --> 00:21:18,950

Рик, Сверхновая удирает.

Эх, какая разница?

00:21:18,980 --> 00:21:20,580

Но... она же пыталась убить нас.

00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:22,700

Морти, 20 человек на неделе пытаются грохнуть меня.

00:21:22,730 --> 00:21:24,210

В итоге, с половиной из них я накуриваюсь.

00:21:24,230 --> 00:21:25,980

В смысле, зацени,

Шестеренка же здесь.

00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:26,920

Мулик Муравьев тоже мощный чувачок

00:21:26,950 --> 00:21:28,620

Хм... Ну это точно пройдёт насквозь.

00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,420

Морти, да на тебе же куртка Поборника.

00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,320

Кто мой маленький супергерой?

00:21:32,340 --> 00:21:34,370

Абсолютно любой во вселенной может быть героем, мам.

00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:35,990

Потому то нам и не нужны куртки.

00:21:36,020 --> 00:21:37,940

И я уверен, что Поборники - подавно.

00:21:37,970 --> 00:21:39,450

Ну если вы не возражаете.

00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,130

Эй, народ! Зацените, нового Поборника!

00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:45,440

- Чёрт, деда Рик должно быть ужрался всранину.

- Заткнись, Саммер.

00:21:45,510 --> 00:21:48,000

И не забудь ты про того, кому никак не дадут шанс.

00:21:48,020 --> 00:21:49,980

Нуб Нуб! Все здесь сучки собрались, ведь он

00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,690

Нуб Нуб! У его хера больше охват, чем у

Ютуб!

00:21:53,710 --> 00:21:55,330

Кто, мать его, этот Нуб Нуб?

00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,240

Йоу, ну скажите же, скажите же!

00:21:57,260 --> 00:21:59,320

Йо, это вновь Лоджик, народ.

00:21:59,350 --> 00:22:01,830

Не забывайте меня.

Не забывайте о безопасных ремнях.

00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:03,880

Черт, скажите все спасибо Рику,

00:22:03,910 --> 00:22:05,790

поймите, насколько надо быть

обезбашенным,

00:22:05,820 --> 00:22:07,560

чтоб замутить нам такой фестиваль,

00:22:07,590 --> 00:22:09,430

будучи в жутчайшую хламину, чел?

00:22:10,180 --> 00:22:13,250

И всё то дерьмо, что я опрокинул насчет Вэнса, всё это хрень собачья.

00:22:13,270 --> 00:22:16,020

Нахуй Вэнса,

этот утырок сосет.

00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,280

Вуууу!

00:22:19,350 --> 00:22:20,840

Да!

00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:22,390

Йоу!

00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:24,590

Мне уже скинули бабки?

00:22:24,890 --> 00:22:25,410

У!

00:22:28,290 --> 00:22:31,080

Поверить не могу, что мы едим шестереженное с Поборником.

00:22:31,110 --> 00:22:35,340

Так вы, девочки, из Института Шестеренок или...

00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:37,320

Инопланетный теракт!

00:22:37,340 --> 00:22:41,790

Хорошо, похоже самое время... мне...

00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:44,900

Пойду ка я, пожалуй, перевоплощусь.

00:22:45,370 --> 00:22:46,990

Так классно!

Ага!

00:22:47,010 --> 00:22:50,370

Стоп, в каком смысле перевоплощусь?

На нем же уже была куртка.

00:22:53,030 --> 00:22:54,440

Нужно знать, когда брать, а ког...

00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,005

If their DNA gets

into Earth's food chain,

00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:06,632

our entire species

could be sterilized.

00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:08,133

Then why aren't we killing them?

00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,135

Right, next time I need

a species sterilized,

00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:11,345

who's gonna do it for me, you?

00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:12,721

-[ Humming ]

-Whoa! Rick!

00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,473

I-Is that the Vindibeacon?

00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:16,517

We're being called to assemble

by the Vindicators!

00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:18,852

I refuse to answer a literal

call to adventure, Morty.

00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,354

-Let it go to voicemail.

-Rick,

00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:22,981

the Vindicators only call when

the universe itself is at stake.

00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,025

They're the first line

of defense against evil.

00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,401

They're the guardians

of the unguarded!

00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,403

They're the writers of their own

press releases, Morty.

00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,697

They're a bunch of drama queens

that spend an hour talking

00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,658

and 20 minutes jumping around

while shit blows up.

00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,409

They're a phase.

We did one.

00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:35,994

It was the big event

of that summer.

00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:36,870

Let it die.

00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,997

I, Morty Smith, invoke my right

00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,916

to choose one in every 10

Rick and Morty adventures.

00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,335

-God fuckin' damn it!

-Read 'em and weep.

00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:46,296

Fine. But don't say

I didn't warn you.

00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:49,466

Yes! Vindicator Command Ship...

beacon received.

00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:52,636

We're doing

Vindicators Twoooooo!

00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,096

-[ Squish! ]

-Whoops.

00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,139

Uh, Morty, you might want

to freeze some sperm.

00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:59,768

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:27,004

[ Electricity crackles ]

00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,466

SUPERNOVA: Vindicators,

Worldender is back,

00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,136

and this time he's out

to end more than worlds.

00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:36,930

We have reason to believe

his stronghold is located on...

00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:37,889

-My balls.

-Rick!

00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,474

...the Terraneous system.

00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:43,061

Once in range, Million Ants will

scan for pheromone activity,

00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,230

which should lead us

to the location of the base.

00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,274

Oh, that's Million Ants.

00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:48,650

I can't see the ants

from over here.

00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:52,571

I just assumed that was, uh,

turd man, wiggly turd man.

00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:53,572

-Rick, stop!

-SUPERNOVA: Rick,

00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,365

you have something to add

to the briefing?

00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:57,492

Uh, yeah,

just a few more design notes.

00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,287

Um, this guy,

the, uh... the, uh...

00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,997

I am Crocubot.

00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,665

[ Laughs ]

Right, Crocubot.

00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:07,085

So, you're half cold,

unfeeling reptile, half...

00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,420

also cold...

00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:10,547

-equally unfeeling machine.

-Yes.

00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,424

Wow. So, your origin is what?

00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,468

Y-You fell

into a vat of redundancy?

00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:16,428

[ Laughs ]

Got damn!

00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,013

Noob Noob,

we're having a briefing.

00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,681

If I can continue, Rick.

00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,184

I anticipate sophisticated

security measures.

00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,061

I trust

you can be of service there.

00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:26,104

Well, let me check my list

of powers and weaknesses.

00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:29,066

Ability to do anything

but only whenever I want.

00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,567

Yeah, that sounds like

a job for me.

00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:33,111

I wish he had the ability

to check his attitude.

00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:34,488

Alan Rails,

ladies and gentlemen.

00:02:34,613 --> 00:02:36,573

After his parents' tragic death

in a railroad accident,

00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,575

he gained the power

to summon ghost trains.

00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:39,743

It's not all bad, though.

00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:42,913

They were spared having to see

their grown son wear a whistle.

00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:44,748

Got damn!

00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:46,708

Thanks, Noob Noob.

This guy gets it.

00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:52,130

Vance Maximus,

Renegade Star Soldier.

00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:53,256

[ Glass shatters ]

00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:55,133

Sorry I'm late.

It was happy hour.

00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:57,302

-[ Laughter ]

-Happy hour.

00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:59,262

Uh, I was also late

because of my drinking

00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:01,223

and mentioned it

to zero applause.

00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,433

Rick Sanchez.

Tinkerer of Terror.

00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:04,768

Man, that's hard to say.

00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,561

And...Morty, right?

00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,772

-Whoa, yeah!

-I never forget a kid.

00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,274

What do you say, Vindicators?

Let's make this three for three.

00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,192

-Haha!

-Yes!

00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:13,777

Did he say "three for three"?

00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:15,445

Did he say he never

forgets a kid?

00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,489

You mean two for two,

right, Vance?

00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:22,994

Actually, we assembled

a second time last summer

00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,955

to fight Doomnomitron.

00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,833

So this is...Vindicators Three?

00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:31,920

And you guys did

Vindicators Two...without us?

00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,674

I sense...insecurity.

00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:37,509

Are you sure there's not

just a picnic nearby?

00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,969

[ Laughter ]

00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,554

I guess he found his crowd.

00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:42,597

Pretty toothless stuff, guys.

00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:45,517

[ Brushing teeth, spits ]

00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:47,686

I hope you're happy with

the adventure so far, Morty.

00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,521

These guys are even lamer

than last time.

00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,815

We weren't here last time,

remember?

00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,692

They did a whole Vindicators

without us.

00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:55,277

A bunch of them got killed, too.

00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:58,822

They lost Lady Katana,

Calypso, Diablo Verde...

00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:01,908

Yikes. Yeah, things did feel

less diverse in there.

00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,494

This article says the reason

we weren't involved was...

00:04:04,619 --> 00:04:06,329

"personality conflicts."

00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:08,290

Don't worry, Morty.

They love you.

00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,001

Superheroes need a wide-eyed

unremarkable to tag along

00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,170

and react to everything

like it's mind-blowing.

00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:16,256

I...think the personality

conflict might have been...

00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,299

you?

00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:20,385

[ Spits ]

Jesus.

00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:21,887

How awesome is that?

00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,472

I mean, they wanted

to not need me so bad,

00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,265

they murdered three

innocent heroes of color

00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,017

and they still

had to bring me back?

00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:29,102

Rick, since

it's my adventure and all,

00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:30,645

could you do me a favor?

00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,939

Uh, the adventure

is the favor, Morty.

00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:35,317

Me sleeping on these linens

is the favor.

00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:38,028

I mean, w-w-what... what are we

vindicating? Comfort?

00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:39,571

Rick, this really bums me out.

00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:42,240

It-It's embarrassing to find out

these guys don't like us.

00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:44,493

Why? Morty [burps]

I defeat gagoos

00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,203

more powerful than these guys

every week.

00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:47,746

Yeah, but not heroes.

00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:49,998

Oh, please, they just call

themselves heroes so they can...

00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:53,919

I'm calling them that, Rick!

They're my heroes. Mine!

00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:58,799

Huh, no accounting for taste.

00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:00,467

I'm gonna go get a drink.

00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:10,060

PA SYSTEM:

Good morning, Vindicators.

00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:12,312

Ship has arrived

at Terraneous system.

00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:15,857

All Vindicators report

to the...briefing room.

00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,318

The... The room

from the, uh... the...

00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,195

Uh, it's the d...

it's a different room than...

00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,905

than conference room.

00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,449

I'm sorry, it's my first day

as a PA System.

00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:26,952

First-day jitters.

[ Imitates radio crackle ]

00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:30,497

Oh, God.

00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:33,333

Good morning. Looks like

your grandpa had a long night.

00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,961

Crocubot, why don't you

escort Mr. Sanchez

00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:39,005

to a more comfortable spot

so that someone can

00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:41,591

[ Sighs ]

clean up his diarrhea.

00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:44,553

Oooh, I'm nervous

about my first mission!

00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,930

Actually, Noob Noob,

you have a new mission.

00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:48,473

Got damn.

00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,851

Vindicators,

prepare for arrival.

00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:53,520

Morty, the Vindicators and I

had a chat this morning,

00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:55,772

and I'm afraid we need

to make a little change.

00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:58,775

[ Sighs ] I-I totally get it.

I-I'm so sorry.

00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,944

You should be, running around

in a yellow T-shirt

00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,279

like you're not one of us.

00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:05,657

-Disgraceful.

-I-I-I'm not a superhero.

00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:06,950

Cop a squat, chief.

00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,743

Everyone in the universe

is a hero.

00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,204

All you have to do is know the

difference between good and bad

00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:12,289

and root for good.

00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,791

Rick says good and bad

are artificial constructs.

00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,877

Yeah, well, I get the feeling...

00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:19,254

he kind of needs that

to be the case.

00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,463

Not coming, Noob Noob?

00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:25,552

[ Grunts ] Ohh! No, uh,

I got stuff to do here.

00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,311

VANCE:

Security drones inbound.

00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:37,188

[ Echoing ] Star Mother,

grant me your wrath.

00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,527

-All aboard!

-[ Whistle blows ]

00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:51,202

[ Electricity crackles ]

00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,371

[ Lasers firing ]

00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,541

-Gun turret.

-Are you all right?

00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:58,752

Yes. I only lost 400 ants.

00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,629

My queen is laying more.

00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:03,506

I am back to...one Million Ants.

00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:05,133

Someone wake up Sanchez.

00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,803

Ugh! Oh, Christ.

00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,555

-Rick. You're up.

-Barely.

00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,474

We're taking fire

from an automated turret.

00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,059

-Can you bring it offline?

-Uh-huh.

00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:19,856

[ Fizzing ]

00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,737

-Uh, my God, that's better.

-SUPERNOVA: Rick!

00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,739

Hey, I can't help

if I can't see.

00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:31,910

[ Lasers firing ]

00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:34,037

[ Warbles ]

00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:40,126

[ Sproing! ]

00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,088

[ Mechanical whirring ]

00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,881

[ Muffled laser fire ]

00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:47,133

[ Electricity crackles ]

00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:48,843

I could've just used

a ghost train.

00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,638

Really? You don't say.

You would've used a ghost train?

00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:53,848

Hey, everybody,

the ghost train guy

00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,684

would have used a ghost train.

00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,435

-Man, fuck you.

-Is there coffee?

00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,728

Hey, Morty, can you be a pal?

00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:00,438

Grandpa left his coffee maker

on the ship,

00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:01,773

you know,

the French press thing...

00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:02,899

Get it yourself.

00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,863

Little extra [burps] snippy

this morning, aren't you?

00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,490

Just focus on the mission,

all right?

00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,492

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, you're right.

00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:15,870

Ohh, real serious.

Gotta take it real serious, huh?

00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:20,166

Son of a Steam Engine.

They're all dead.

00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:23,086

Why would Worldender do this

to his own men...

00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,463

-and several women?

-Well, he is the Worldender.

00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,716

The guy ends worlds.

Kind of his thing.

00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,969

Ohh, real scared.

Real fuckin' on alert,

00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:32,220

high alert over here.

00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:35,306

Watch out!

00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:36,266

What the fuck?!

00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,768

It's Worldender!

What happened to him?

00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:39,936

[ Groans ]

00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,313

I sense his life force

is fading.

00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,648

RICK: Million Ants,

ladies and gentlemen.

00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,401

The ant colony with the power

of two human eyes.

00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,111

[ Groans, retches ]

00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:50,280

RICK: All right. Short mission.

Good mission.

00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,532

Remember when Alan

wanted to use a ghost train?

00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:54,367

See you guys

in Vindicators Four. Morty?

00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:55,660

Rick, whoever did this

00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,495

is an even bigger threat

than Worldender.

00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:58,663

We can't leave now.

00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:01,124

He's right.

This is far from over.

00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,125

Well, have fun with that,

00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,502

but Morty and I have to meet

a Lady Comet, a Monorail Man,

00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,671

Two Assholes, and a

Full Alligator in like an hour.

00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,423

[ Boom! ]

00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,143

[ Water drips ]

00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,186

Shit.

00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:24,522

I sense the presence

of a greater evil.

00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,525

DRUNK RICK:

Check, check. One, two.

00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:30,570

Okay. Is it recording?

Good.

00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,280

Hello, Vindicators.

00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,450

Welcome to your reckoning,

baby!

00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,118

Welp, it's official.

00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,537

I had too much to drink

last night.

00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:42,165

If you guys are watching this,

00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,751

you're, you know,

the Vindicators.

00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:47,796

-So, now that we know...

-Rick? What's going on, buddy?

00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:51,091

Obviously, I came here

last night during a blackout.

00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,342

"Obviously"?

00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,636

You came here and defeated

our archnemesis

00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,679

while so drunk,

you don't remember doing it?

00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:58,973

That's something "obvious"

to you?

00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,892

Look, I'm a lit[burps]... little

more complex than you guys,

00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,061

and, no offense,

but I've always suspected

00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:04,312

that a lot of what you do

in a year

00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,897

could be knocked out

in a couple of hours.

00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,233

So I thought Why not

just do your job for you

00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,568

so we can have

a little fun game.

00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:14,656

MORTY: Rick, is...

is this a "Saw" thing?

00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,158

Are you seriously

Sawing the Vindicators?

00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,119

Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack.

00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,663

If you break the rules,

lose the game, or try to leave,

00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:22,914

you will die.

00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,208

Like in [burps] "Sawwww."

00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,626

Well,

I-I-I think we've seen enough.

00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,211

I'll just figure out

how to unplug this.

00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:29,462

Okay, here we go.

Room number one.

00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,172

The Vindicators are known

throughout the galaxy,

00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,384

but do they know yourselves...

do you know yourselves?

00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:36,803

Match your... your shit,

your... your gimmicks,

00:10:36,928 --> 00:10:39,389

with your faces,

and y-you get it.

00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,473

It's a matching thing.

00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:44,060

And do it in three minutes

or you'll [burps] all die.

00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,270

[ Beep ]

00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:46,938

Screw this.

I'm not playing his game.

00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:48,314

I'm gonna find us

a way out of here.

00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:49,607

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on, Vance.

00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,192

He said you'd die

if you tried to leave.

00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,443

That means there's booby traps.

00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:54,779

Why are you acting

like that's not you?

00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,781

What part of "blackout"

don't you understand?

00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:57,782

I thought you drank.

00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,368

Like cool drinking!

Like sexy drinking,

00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,662

not this psycho,

trailer-park shit!

00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,289

Vance, stay calm.

00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:06,374

Oh, so you're the leader now,

because we gave you a jacket?

00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,626

You're the learning-disabled kid

we do photo ops with.

00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:10,628

-Okay, ouch, but...

-Okay, this...

00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:13,214

this is triggering me.

I need space.

00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:16,384

I-I need space from this!

00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:20,597

[ Gunfire ]

00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:23,349

[ Electricity crackles ]

00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:25,852

[ Chainsaw revs ]

00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:27,687

[ Blade slices ]

00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,147

[ Splat! ]

00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:41,659

-[ Grunts ]

-Give me one reason

00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,077

why I shouldn't crush

your windpipe.

00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:46,998

Because my epidermis is laced

with a nanofiber defense mesh.

00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:49,167

And because, like I said,

I don't remember last night.

00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:51,878

I told you not to invite this

mummified motherfucker back.

00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,213

Alan, I'm not proud

of what's happening here,

00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:54,297

but if you keep coming at me,

00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:57,091

there's gonna be another

passenger on that ghost train.

00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,636

Guys! I figured it out.

00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,347

Congrats!

You did i[burps]t!

00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,725

It was a bit. All of the

descriptors apply to all of you.

00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:06,726

Drunk Rick's point

00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,062

is that none of you

are very special or different.

00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:10,730

That's always his point.

00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,857

Let's just get through this

as quickly as possible.

00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:14,859

Then we'll deal

with the two of you.

00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:17,654

The two of us?

I hope you're proud of yourself.

00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:20,281

Uh, I kind of am.

I saved the goddamn universe.

00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:21,616

That's not the issue, Rick!

00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,743

Ahh, it would've been

if I hadn't!

00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,203

The Vindicators say their job

00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,372

is to fight evil

wherever it hides,

00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:30,208

but they don't...

pick the location you'll...

00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:33,044

you'll never hear them

even mention,

00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:36,172

because to fight darkness

is to fight yourself.

00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,341

Oh! I know this.

Dorian 5!

00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:39,342

Crocubot, don't!

00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,969

There's no other

possible answer.

00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,846

My mechanical and reptilian

logic are certain of it.

00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,516

-[ Squish! ]

-Oh!

00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,726

Huh! I'm seeing more croc

than bot here.

00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:49,769

God damn it!

00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,563

-Uh, what happened on Dorian 5?

-Nothing!

00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,858

Nothing?

We exterminated a planet.

00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:57,026

W-Wait. Huh?

00:12:57,151 --> 00:13:00,113

Doomnomitron was hiding there!

He's a shapeshifter.

00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:03,032

Destroying Dorian 5

was the only way to kill him.

00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:04,617

Come on, guys,

we're all thinking it.

00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:05,868

Don't...

[ Coughs ]

00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:06,869

Don't make me say it.

00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,579

Oh, okay. This again.

00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,540

You know [burps]

I could have made you a device

00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:13,376

to detect Doomnomitron from

orbit like [snaps fingers] that.

00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:16,254

I'm not the one that

didn't want you back. Alan was.

00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:19,799

If you lay those deaths

at my doorstep one more time...

00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:21,968

Do not threaten her.

00:13:22,093 --> 00:13:24,387

-[ Ding! ]

-Congrats, you did it.

00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,431

What the hell is "Israel"?

00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:28,308

I-It's just something

Rick starts talking about

00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:29,559

when he's blackout drunk.

00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,352

W-What?

In w... In w-w-what way?

00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,937

Like, w-w-what's my point?

00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,147

In a way that has no point.

00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,441

You just babble about defense

budgets and the United Nations

00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:37,442

and then you pass out.

00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:40,695

So, to be clear,

I sometimes reference

00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,072

the geopolitical complexities

of the topic,

00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:45,325

which is not the same as going

to an anti-Semitic place.

00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,534

I have no stake in this.

00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,828

I don't, either. I'm...

I'm just saying, if anything,

00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:51,331

the drunk version of me is

probably so supportive of Israel

00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:52,457

he wants what's best for it

and...

00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:56,627

Hey, man, I'm not touching this.

You do you.

00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,924

Aloha...means hello

and goodbye in Hawaii.

00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:05,094

But, uh, aloha means...

00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:07,180

has nothing to do

with this room.

00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:09,682

[ Coughs ]

I'm so fuckin' drunk.

00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:11,434

Ugh, okay.

Here's the deal.

00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:13,353

I-I want to rest my eyes

for a little bit.

00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:14,354

I'm... I'm not going to sleep.

00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,189

I just... just need

to rest my eyes,

00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:17,815

so let's make this one simple.

00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,068

Just...try to hit

some three-pointers.

00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,737

Let's say...you have to

hit... five three-pointers

00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,281

in... five minutes... or...

I don't know...

00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,033

the Whole place... the

Whole planet will get blown up

00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:28,951

-with a n-neutrino bomb.

-[ Beep ]

00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:30,870

And try to make it a-a lesson

about yourselves,

00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:32,622

like... like

how selfish you are...

00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:33,915

are or something.

00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,792

And also Hawaii.

00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,377

[ Sighs ]

You guys hit the baskets.

00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,962

I'll disarm the drunkenly

improvised neutrino bomb.

00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,547

There's a 40% chance it's a dud,

00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,716

but y-you should still

stay back.

00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:46,469

-Morty, how many of these...

-Too many, Rick! Too many!

00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:49,889

Man, I am really getting

high-roaded today.

00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:54,185

-[ Ding ]

-That's a three-pointer.

00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:55,853

-Nice shot.

-Thank you.

00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:57,814

You two make quite a team.

00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:00,066

-[ Groans ]

-We all do.

00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:01,109

Yeah, I guess.

00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,318

-[ Ding ]

-That's a three-pointer.

00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:06,406

But you guys have always had

a... an unspoken bond.

00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,534

I mean really unspoken.

00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:13,287

Like, let's-not-tell-my-husband

unspoken.

00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,664

[ Buzzer ]

00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,667

We aren't married anymore, Alan.

00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,627

Sure, but were we married

00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:23,548

when you two were "stranded"

on Delphi Six for three days?

00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:28,052

Because I sensed something

was weird when you came back,

00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,763

but what do I know

about sensitivity?

00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:32,557

I'm just

a phantom train conductor.

00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:36,060

You're the pile of ordinary bugs

that fucked my wife!

00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,271

-[ Ding ]

-That's a three-pointer.

00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,480

Where the fuck

is the lead wire?

00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:40,773

You always put it

in the weirdest place.

00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:42,191

Um, uh, over here maybe?

00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:44,193

Jesus Christ,

what a shitty neutrino bomb.

00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:46,070

It's a miracle I ever

actually destroy anything.

00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:46,904

Oh, I don't know.

00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,115

You managed to destroy

just about everything today.

00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,324

The villains, the heroes,

00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,201

the lines between them,

my childhood.

00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:54,203

Thank you.

I appreciate it, Morty.

00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:55,580

I know you were sucking

the Kool-Aid

00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:56,622

out of the Vindicators' dicks,

00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,249

so the fact that I was right

about them

00:15:58,374 --> 00:15:59,542

must be pretty hard to admit.

00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,252

Yeah, it is.

You know why, Rick?

00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:02,420

Because when you're an asshole,

00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:03,796

it doesn't matter

how right you are.

00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:05,756

Nobody wants to give you

the satisfaction.

00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:08,009

I know. Everyone wants people

they like to be right.

00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,927

That's why popular people

are fucking dumb.

00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:11,721

And why your pretentious,

poorly written,

00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:12,847

high-budget friends back there

00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,807

can eat a double-decker

shit sandwich.

00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:16,225

Disarmed.

00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,561

Holy shit.

You're jealous.

00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,521

Yes! Is that

what you want to hear?!

00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:21,898

Did it feel good?

00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:24,609

Did you like his six million

wriggling legs

00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,444

more than my tragedy-stricken,

00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,905

half-ghost,

half-tumescent penis?!

00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:29,739

Guys, stop!

00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:31,449

You're just proving

my asshole grandpa right!

00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:35,036

You wish this was about sex!

We loved each other!

00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,246

-We had a child together!

-What?!

00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,415

I conceived a child

with Million Ants,

00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,167

and it died inside me

00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:45,796

because it was half a million

ants and half collapsing star!

00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:49,258

And yes.

He was better than you.

00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:52,094

-Yeah?

-One million times better.

00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:55,264

All aboard, motherfucker!

00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:57,058

[ Echoing ] Stop!

00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,477

[ Screaming ]

00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,021

Oof!

Didn't see that coming.

00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:03,523

Is that sarcasm?

00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,399

I don't want you slipping away

when this is over.

00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,443

All of these deaths

are on your hands.

00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:08,861

Okay, come on,

maybe a couple of them,

00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:10,321

but definitely

not the Train Guy.

00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:11,656

-Oof!

-All of them.

00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:12,698

Okay.

00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:15,326

-[ Dinging ]

-Congrats. You did it.

00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:18,663

All right, by now,

I've been pretty clear

00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:21,207

that I think the Vindicators

are [coughs] full of shit.

00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:24,085

But... you do have one thing

that I'll never have.

00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:26,212

And that thing is the only part

of the Vindicators

00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:27,588

with any value to me.

00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,132

If you know what it is,

place it on the platform.

00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:32,802

Guess wrong, and the pla-planet

will explode.

00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,262

And probably the solar system,

00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,347

'cause I kind of fuckin'

eyeballed the neutrino bombs

00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:37,640

on this one.

00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:41,143

So what's the trick? Morty,

you're the Drunk Rick expert.

00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:45,189

I think...no matter

what we put on there, we die.

00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:47,650

He said it's the part

of the Vindicators he values.

00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:48,693

That means nothing.

00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:49,986

He wants our last moment alive

00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:51,988

to be spent knowing

how few fucks he gave.

00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:54,532

Jesus! Okay,

open to second opinions.

00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,117

It could...

It could be Morty.

00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,493

-What?

-Hey, I don't know.

00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,120

I mean, look, when I get drunk,

00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,330

I get stupid and emotional,

and there's no logic to it.

00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:03,666

It's, like,

it's possible I got so drunk

00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:05,710

I felt like I was losing Morty

to the Vindicators,

00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:08,421

and maybe this is

my way of saying, "Okay,

00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,715

you can have him, but only if

you know how important he is.

00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,049

Otherwise, I'll kill you."

00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:14,760

That is a...

really specific guess.

00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,221

Look, I-I... There's

nothing in the room but us.

00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,432

I'm just using logic

to connect some dots.

00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:20,600

It's the best guess I've got.

00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,768

But you're betting our lives

on it.

00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:25,104

I'll cover that bet.

I get it.

00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,106

Well, Morty, I think

you're doing that smirky face

00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,816

because you're misinterpreting

the moment.

00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,193

I am not being coy

about some hidden love for you.

00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,487

I want to be really clear that

if anyone has a better guess,

00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,990

like, if I gave you

an amulet last night or...

00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,158

[ Ding ]

00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:38,993

-Phew.

-[ Both sigh ]

00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,745

[ Gasps ]

00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:41,912

Oh, shit.

00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:46,667

Sorry. I'm...not good

at goodbyes,

00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:49,462

and I'm drunk,

so, you know, I just...

00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:52,006

It looks like I'm never

going to see you again.

00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,924

I can't really roll

with the hero types.

00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:56,218

And I don't... They...

They don't want me around.

00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:59,805

But I want you to know, even if

I didn't show it at the time,

00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:02,391

I really appreciated

you sticking by me.

00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:06,062

God damn it, why am I crying?

It makes no sense.

00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:08,272

Ugh, you're...

you're probably confused

00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:09,482

because we barely

knew each other,

00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:11,067

but you really

stuck your neck out

00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:13,194

[burps] when you gave me props

for my awesome jokes

00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,403

in the briefing room.

00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:16,405

Everybody else had their head

so far up their ass.

00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,199

Even my own grandson is like,

00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,576

"Oh, the Vindicators,

they're so cool.

00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:23,663

I mean, he's a moron.

That's their demographic.

00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,247

But you're different,

Noob Noob.

00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:27,083

Motherfucker.

00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:29,502

You're fucking cool.

And you're smart.

00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:31,837

[ Crying ] And I bet

we could've hung out and shit.

00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:34,465

And I hope you get to be

a full-fledged Vindicator,

00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,050

and... and do... do me a favor.

00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,219

Don't... Don't let them know

I-I got emotional.

00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:40,179

But you can tell them

one thing.

00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,972

Tell them I said...

00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:45,726

Oh, fuck. Okay. I just

shit myself. Okay, later.

00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,150

-W... Dude, Morty, what happened?

-Shut up.

00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:57,113

I sense this means

we are not dying.

00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:58,489

Not all of us.

00:19:58,614 --> 00:19:59,907

-[ Both choking ]

-Sweetheart.

00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,992

Just let Titty Bean do this,

Snuzzles.

00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:02,993

It's for the greater good.

00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:03,994

-Greater good?

-Titty Bean?

00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,579

It's like you said, Morty.

00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,832

-There's no right or wrong.

-Never said that.

00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,668

It's the galaxy's faith

in the Vindicators

00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,962

that keeps the galaxy secure.

00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:14,088

Yeah, I feel safer already.

00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,340

No doubt. Who do we make

the check out to?

00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,634

I will say we are getting

some good licks in

00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,136

-while choking to death...

-Right?

00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:21,887

Titty Bean.

Listen to me.

00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:23,013

When you came to me,

00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:25,474

I was merely

a sentient colony of ants.

00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:28,436

It was your beliefs,

your pursuit of justice

00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,688

that taught me to be a man.

00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:31,689

[ Grunts ]

00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,482

When did it get so complicated?

00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:36,193

Who knows?

But we can make it simple again.

00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:37,987

You were always the romantic.

00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:40,156

Which is why you can't leave,

either.

00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:42,575

-[ Squish! ]

-[ Groans ]

00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,120

I'm sorry, my love.

00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:48,914

Damn!

She double-crossed Snuzzles!

00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:51,792

Silence!

I'm going to enjoy this.

00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:54,128

ANNOUNCER: Let's give

a huge thanks to Rick Sanchez

00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:56,922

for killing Worldender, putting

this awesome party together,

00:20:57,047 --> 00:21:00,301

and for booking one of

the hottest talents out there...

00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:04,054

-Logic!

-LOGIC: Aw, yeah.

00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,347

-Look at that.

-LOGIC: It's going down.

00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:06,932

Geez, I must have planned

a whole party.

00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,392

-LOGIC: It's Logic, y'all.

-Invited a bunch of people.

00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:10,519

Not bad, Drunk Rick, not bad.

00:21:10,644 --> 00:21:11,687

Are you ready?

00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:14,106

♪ There's a choo-choo train man,

he's rolling down tragedy ♪

00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:16,150

♪ Everybody knowing Supernova

fights gravity ♪

00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,694

-Rick, Supernova's getting away.

-Eh, who cares?

00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,362

But...she was trying to kill us.

00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:22,239

Morty, 20 people

try to kill me every week.

00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:23,824

I end up getting high

with half of them.

00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:25,451

I mean, check it out.

Gearhead's here.

00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:28,245

Hmm. Well, that's gonna shoot

through me.

00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:30,122

Morty, you're wearing

a Vindicator jacket.

00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:31,999

Are you a little superhero now?

00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,043

Everyone in the universe

is a hero, Mom.

00:21:34,168 --> 00:21:35,753

Which is why

we don't need jackets.

00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:37,546

And I'm pretty sure

we don't need Vindicators.

00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:38,923

Don't mind if I do.

00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:41,717

Hey, everybody!

Look who's a Vindicator!

00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:44,303

Man, Grandpa Rick

must have gotten shitfaced.

00:21:44,428 --> 00:21:45,221

Shut up, Summer.

00:21:45,346 --> 00:21:47,640

♪ Can't forget about the one who

never seems to get a chance ♪

00:21:47,765 --> 00:21:48,390

Noob Noob!

00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:49,767

♪ All the bitches

come around for ♪

00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:50,768

Noob Noob!

00:21:50,893 --> 00:21:52,102

♪ His dick gets

more visits than ♪

00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:54,522

-♪ YouTube ♪

-Who the fuck is Noob Noob?

00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:55,439

Noob Noob!

00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:56,899

LOGIC:

♪ Say, everybody, everybody is ♪

00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:58,901

Yo, it's Logic once again,

y'all.

00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:00,236

Don't forget the name.

00:22:00,361 --> 00:22:01,529

Make sure you get home safe.

00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:03,614

And, man, we gotta all

give it up for Rick,

00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:05,157

'cause, I mean,

what kind of motherfucker

00:22:05,282 --> 00:22:07,201

just sets up

a whole festival like this

00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:09,578

when he's completely loaded,

man?

00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:13,249

And all that stuff I said about

Vance, that's not real.

00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:16,460

Vance, fuck that guy.

That guy sucks dick.

00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:18,671

Whoo!

00:22:18,796 --> 00:22:20,798

Yeah!

00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:25,845

D-Did I get paid yet?

Whoo!

00:22:28,055 --> 00:22:30,724

I can't believe we're getting

Gear Cream with a Vindicator.

00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:34,603

So, you girls in Gear college

or Gear...

00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:37,022

-[ Explosion ]

-Alien terror attack!

00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:41,527

Okay. Sounds like

a job for...me.

00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:44,405

I better go

get into my alter ego.

00:22:44,530 --> 00:22:46,657

-[ Gasps ] So cool.

-I know.

00:22:46,782 --> 00:22:48,492

Wait, what alter ego?

00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:50,286

He was already wearing

the jacket.

00:22:50,411 --> 00:22:52,705

[ Breathing heavily,

whimpering ]

00:22:52,830 --> 00:22:54,123

Gotta know when to hold 'em

and...

00:22:54,248 --> 00:22:55,165

Aaaaah!

00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:57,167

[ Clunk! ]