Огурчик Рик

00:00:05,086 --> 00:00:05,648

Морти!

00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:06,234

Рик?

00:00:06,656 --> 00:00:08,297

Эй, Мооортииииии!

00:00:08,322 --> 00:00:08,805

Рик?

00:00:08,992 --> 00:00:11,617

Ты где-то далеко или внутри чего-то?

00:00:12,023 --> 00:00:12,875

Это камера?

00:00:13,445 --> 00:00:14,883

Может, везде камеры?

00:00:14,908 --> 00:00:17,539

Морти! Гараж, Морти!

Зайди в гараж!

00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:19,242

Морти!

00:00:19,508 --> 00:00:19,977

Рик?

00:00:20,203 --> 00:00:21,313

Г-где ты?

00:00:21,338 --> 00:00:22,586

На верстаке, Морти.

00:00:22,611 --> 00:00:24,656

Ты - невидимый и собираешься пёрнуть на меня?

00:00:24,681 --> 00:00:25,703

Переверни огурчик.

00:00:25,728 --> 00:00:28,898

И что? Я его трону, ты скажешь, что это

инопланетный член или типа того?

00:00:28,923 --> 00:00:30,289

Ну, давай, переверни огурчик, Морти.

00:00:30,625 --> 00:00:32,563

Ты не пожалеешь. Оно того стоит.

00:00:33,586 --> 00:00:36,172

Я превратил себя в огурчик, Морти! БУМ!

00:00:36,197 --> 00:00:37,766

Вот так открытие! Я - огурчик!

00:00:37,791 --> 00:00:40,688

Что ты на это скажешь? Я превратил себя в огурчик!

00:00:41,148 --> 00:00:44,758

Чего ты на меня уставился, бро?

Я превратил себя в огурчик, Морти.

00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:45,227

И?

00:00:45,252 --> 00:00:50,297

И? Что тебе ещё нужно? Я превратил себя

в огурчик, а 11-е сентября организовало наше правительство.

00:00:50,322 --> 00:00:50,758

Разве?

00:00:50,783 --> 00:00:53,523

Какая разница, Морти? Каждый день по всему

миру совершаются теракты.

00:00:53,548 --> 00:00:55,328

Но вот чего не происходило ещё никогда.

00:00:55,625 --> 00:00:58,727

Я - огурчик. Я - огурчик Рииииик!

00:01:30,045 --> 00:01:32,209

Авторы перевода

Женя Спицын и Олег Сарыч

00:01:35,250 --> 00:01:36,109

Ты собираешься...

00:01:36,476 --> 00:01:37,015

ну в смысле...

00:01:37,343 --> 00:01:39,695

Это первая часть какого-то фокуса?

00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:41,898

Я не занимаюсь магией, Морти. Я занимаюсь наукой.

00:01:41,923 --> 00:01:44,000

Здесь нужны мозги, а там тёмная подводка для глаз.

00:01:44,025 --> 00:01:45,875

Ты можешь двигаться? Ты можешь летать?

00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:47,601

Какой бы был из меня огурчик, если бы мог?

00:01:47,626 --> 00:01:50,866

Ладно, может, огурчики живут вечно или...

00:01:50,891 --> 00:01:54,374

Морти, хватит глубоко копать и просто удивись.

Я - огурчик!

00:01:54,399 --> 00:01:57,031

Я-я-я просто пытаюсь понять, зачем ты это сделал.

00:01:57,056 --> 00:01:58,500

Зачем вообще кто-то захочет это делать?

00:01:58,525 --> 00:02:01,000

Причина, по которой кто-то так сделал бы,

если бы мог,

00:02:01,025 --> 00:02:04,195

хотя на самом деле не может, состоит в том,

что он может, хотя на самом деле нет.

00:02:04,220 --> 00:02:05,937

Морти, надо уходить, а то опоздаем.

00:02:06,382 --> 00:02:07,289

Где твой дедушка?

00:02:07,314 --> 00:02:09,257

Прямо здесь, милая. Я - огурчик!

00:02:09,282 --> 00:02:10,796

Что? Да зачем ты...

00:02:11,351 --> 00:02:12,796

Послушай, мы опаздываем, нам пора.

00:02:12,821 --> 00:02:14,062

Куда вы собрались?

00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:19,390

Мы записались к врачу в центре города

ещё неделю назад, и все на это согласились.

00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:20,375

Включая тебя.

00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,539

О господи, Бет. Совсем вылетело из головы.

00:02:23,812 --> 00:02:25,781

Блинский блин. Я - огурчик.

00:02:25,806 --> 00:02:27,851

Я не знаю, смогу ли... блин...

00:02:27,876 --> 00:02:30,562

Рик, ты сделал это специально, чтобы

не ходить на семейную психотерапию?

00:02:30,587 --> 00:02:31,304

Морти!

00:02:31,329 --> 00:02:33,727

Всё нормально, Бет. Я понимаю подозрения Морти.

00:02:33,752 --> 00:02:37,477

Я уже вводил его в заблуждение раньше.

Морти, переверни меня, чтобы я мог смотреть в глаза.

00:02:38,477 --> 00:02:43,532

Морти, уверяю тебя, я бы никогда не стал искать

способ не ходить на семейную психотерапию.

00:02:43,743 --> 00:02:47,032

Надеюсь, что отсутствие у меня пальцев не помешало

вам почувствовать иронические кавычки.

00:02:47,057 --> 00:02:48,821

А ты не можешь просто снова превратиться

в человека?

00:02:48,846 --> 00:02:53,040

Отличный вопрос, Саммер. К сожалению, я это сделал,

чтобы испытать себя.

00:02:53,065 --> 00:02:57,141

Мне потребуется несколько часов или даже дней,

чтобы понять, как вернуться в человеческую форму.

00:02:57,166 --> 00:03:00,461

Но! Знаете, ваша мама может положить меня

в сумочку или карман...

00:03:00,486 --> 00:03:01,618

Если я очень вам нужен.

00:03:01,643 --> 00:03:03,907

Никому ничего не нужно. Всё нормально.

00:03:03,932 --> 00:03:06,985

Оставайся здесь и придумай, как перестать

быть огурчиком, ладно?

00:03:07,010 --> 00:03:11,360

Эй, Рик! Почему над тобой висит

шприц с таинственной жидкостью?

00:03:11,385 --> 00:03:15,813

И почему нитка, на которой он висит, находится

между лезвий ножниц, соединённых с таймером?

00:03:15,838 --> 00:03:20,089

И почему таймер установлен на 10 минут, как раз когда

мы уедем на приём?

00:03:21,792 --> 00:03:26,714

Ну, Морти, если хочешь знать, то шприц

никак не связан с темой этого разговора,

00:03:26,739 --> 00:03:28,550

а значит не нуждается в объяснении...

00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:28,980

Хватит.

00:03:29,269 --> 00:03:31,136

Дети, нам пора.

А то опоздаем.

00:03:31,161 --> 00:03:33,730

Ч-ч-что ты там делаешь, Бет?

Что ты делаешь, милая?

00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:38,058

Ну, ты же не хочешь, чтобы в тебя воткнулся

шприц с жидкостью, не имеющей отношения к твоему положению.

00:03:38,083 --> 00:03:38,769

Какая от этого польза?

00:03:39,394 --> 00:03:40,378

И не поспоришь.

00:03:40,403 --> 00:03:41,862

Отлично. Увидимся позже.

00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:46,245

Эй, будь осторожней со шприцом, он нужен для

кое-чего другого. Он важен, так что не сломай!

00:03:47,711 --> 00:03:49,453

Ладно, возможно, мне пиздец.

00:04:06,456 --> 00:04:07,354

Отлично.

00:04:09,135 --> 00:04:10,096

Дурацкий кот.

00:04:12,346 --> 00:04:15,143

Понимаю, на что это похоже, Иззи,

но я - не змея!

00:04:15,168 --> 00:04:19,190

Я смотрел видео на Youtube и знаю, что коты

боятся огурцов, потому что думают, что это змеи.

00:04:19,401 --> 00:04:21,260

Я - не змея. Я - огурчик!

00:04:21,285 --> 00:04:21,979

Я - огурчик!

00:04:27,660 --> 00:04:29,215

Чёрт, какое яркое солнце.

00:04:30,629 --> 00:04:33,075

Ну хорош, я не могу так умереть.

00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:36,270

Для мега-гения это эквивалент смерти

на туалете.

00:04:37,996 --> 00:04:39,950

Так... жарко.

00:04:40,942 --> 00:04:42,364

Вот так я умру.

00:04:52,364 --> 00:04:53,716

О, боже, влага.

00:04:54,677 --> 00:04:58,255

О, боже, влага... Сбавь обороты, боже.

Сбавь немного обороты!

00:05:03,625 --> 00:05:06,539

О, господи! Перпендикулярно!

Перпендикулярно!

00:05:06,564 --> 00:05:08,195

Дерьмоооо!

00:05:28,109 --> 00:05:29,484

Давай, вот так.

00:05:29,898 --> 00:05:31,710

Попробуй этот вкусный рассол.

00:05:35,054 --> 00:05:37,023

Давай! Давай, уёбок!

00:05:37,390 --> 00:05:37,937

Давай!

00:05:59,623 --> 00:06:00,952

Дааааа!

00:06:01,873 --> 00:06:06,209

Почему это считается семейной терапией, если папа

не приглашён, а дедушка не пришёл?

00:06:06,234 --> 00:06:08,530

Да, и что такого храброго в поедании хот-дога?

00:06:08,555 --> 00:06:10,756

Никто и не хотел приходить сюда, дурачки.

00:06:10,873 --> 00:06:13,498

Это ваш директор отправил нас на приём,

00:06:13,702 --> 00:06:17,717

хотя это не вся семья нюхала горшочную эмаль

в гончарном кабинете

00:06:17,742 --> 00:06:19,750

и обмочилась в кабинете истории.

00:06:20,328 --> 00:06:22,797

О, семья Смитов, только без отца.

00:06:22,822 --> 00:06:24,484

Вы тоже пациенты доктора Вонг?

00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:26,649

Временно. По требованию школы.

00:06:26,674 --> 00:06:29,266

Я тоже. И давно вы едите какахи?

00:06:30,461 --> 00:06:33,719

Мы... никогда не ели какахи.

00:06:34,344 --> 00:06:35,383

И я тоже!

00:06:35,758 --> 00:06:38,297

Интересно, куда подевалось

моё семейство?

00:06:38,969 --> 00:06:41,414

Семья Смитов, я - доктор Вонг.

Входите.

00:06:46,388 --> 00:06:49,170

Вы говорили, что к вам присоединится дедушка.

00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,443

Он с головой погрузился в эксперимент.

00:06:51,468 --> 00:06:56,101

Он учёный. Самый настоящий. Типа,

межгалактического уровня.

00:06:56,126 --> 00:06:57,124

Его работа очень...

00:06:57,149 --> 00:06:58,413

Он превратил себя в огурец.

00:06:58,438 --> 00:06:58,749

Морти!

00:06:58,976 --> 00:07:04,437

Не перебивай маму. Извините, думаю, здесь можно

плавно перейти к вопросу дисциплины.

00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:07,491

Часто ли дедушка превращает себя в огурец?

00:07:07,516 --> 00:07:10,554

Что? Нет! Что это вообще за вопрос?

00:07:10,579 --> 00:07:13,476

Это такой вопрос, который не должен обидеть

или оскорбить вас.

00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,859

О, господи, один из этих вопросов.

00:07:16,030 --> 00:07:19,476

Нет, раньше мой отец никогда не

превращал себя в огурец.

00:07:19,501 --> 00:07:21,718

Он непредсказуемый и эксцентричный.

00:07:21,743 --> 00:07:24,093

Как и вся семья. Кстати говоря...

00:07:24,382 --> 00:07:28,413

Хорошо, давайте я кое-что спрошу, и вся семья

изольёт душу.

00:07:29,265 --> 00:07:32,187

Как думаете, почему дедушка превратил

себя в огурец?

00:07:46,468 --> 00:07:48,749

Эй, послушай, я знаю, что это твой мир, а не мой.

00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:53,639

Чем скорее я отсюда выберусь, тем быстрее продолжу

накладывать огромные кучи, на которых ты будешь прокармливаться.

00:07:54,465 --> 00:07:55,973

Какая ты целеустремлённая крыса.

00:07:56,458 --> 00:07:59,442

А ты можешь устремиться... немного...

00:08:00,473 --> 00:08:01,137

вправо?

00:08:03,379 --> 00:08:04,715

Да, да, да!

00:08:04,762 --> 00:08:06,551

Давай, давай, давай, свежая, свежая, свежая.

00:08:06,895 --> 00:08:08,723

Ого-го! Это ваш друг?

00:08:08,911 --> 00:08:10,825

Не волнуйтесь, он погиб за любимым делом,

00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:12,614

проживая жизнь тупой, ебанутой крысы.

00:08:33,974 --> 00:08:35,091

О дааааа!

00:09:00,162 --> 00:09:03,216

Я не говорила, что мой отец идеален,

я говорила, что у него важная работа.

00:09:03,241 --> 00:09:07,232

А она говорит, что важнее всего то,

что он соврал тебе, чтобы не идти сюда.

00:09:07,263 --> 00:09:08,084

Вовсе нет!

00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:09,896

Давайте проведём эксперимент.

00:09:09,943 --> 00:09:12,076

Как я поняла, ваша семья ценит науку.

00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:16,076

Поднимите руку, если вы точно знаете,

что было в шприце.

00:09:17,669 --> 00:09:22,927

Поднимите руку, если вы точно знаете, что в шприце

находится НЕ антиогуречная сыворотка.

00:09:24,748 --> 00:09:26,271

Бет, у Вас рука дёрнулась.

00:09:26,296 --> 00:09:27,849

Вы правда не понимаете, что происходит?

00:09:27,874 --> 00:09:28,341

Расскажите.

00:09:28,366 --> 00:09:31,209

Что ж, доктор Вонг...

Кстати, расисткая фамилия.

00:09:31,310 --> 00:09:35,584

Очевидно, что Морти и Саммер ухватились за вашу

субъективную одержимость огурцами,

00:09:35,748 --> 00:09:37,966

чтобы обойти то, что по идее

должно быть их терапией.

00:09:38,037 --> 00:09:42,904

О, я думаю, что происшествие с огурцом - это лучшая

тропа к сути проблемы вашей семьи.

00:09:43,262 --> 00:09:46,051

Я думаю, что, возможно, у вас с отцом очень

00:09:46,184 --> 00:09:47,348

особенные взаимоотношения.

00:09:47,373 --> 00:09:50,324

Я не думаю, что они поощряют эмоции

и уязвимость.

00:09:50,349 --> 00:09:54,316

Скорее, они их порицают. Возможно, эти отношения

разрушили ваш брак

00:09:54,543 --> 00:09:57,769

и из-за них ваши дети склонны направлять

свои чувства не туда, куда надо.

00:09:59,572 --> 00:10:00,158

Иди нахуй!

00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:00,713

Мама!

00:10:00,738 --> 00:10:01,877

И вы оба идите нахуй!

00:10:04,616 --> 00:10:08,249

Кстати, ты мог заметить, что несмотря на твои

многочисленные отличительные особенности,

00:10:08,803 --> 00:10:11,889

я не давал тебе кличку, типа Шрам, Полоса или Голиаф.

00:10:12,256 --> 00:10:14,350

Потому что для меня ты не особенный.

00:10:14,624 --> 00:10:16,428

Ты был особенным для крыс, но теперь они мертвы.

00:10:16,631 --> 00:10:18,163

Наверное, тебе надо было

производить впечатление на меня.

00:10:19,006 --> 00:10:20,835

Чёрт возьми, как же я себя люблю.

00:10:31,503 --> 00:10:33,441

Огурчик Риииииик!

00:10:47,872 --> 00:10:48,747

Попаркурим!

00:10:49,021 --> 00:10:50,279

Попаркурим!

00:10:54,212 --> 00:10:56,423

Всё нормально. Я просто ищу ближайший выход.

00:10:56,860 --> 00:10:58,337

Давайте без резких движений!

00:10:58,365 --> 00:11:00,217

Нарушение безопасности!

00:11:02,615 --> 00:11:04,592

Чей это, блядь, туалет?

00:11:11,550 --> 00:11:12,720

В чём дело?

00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:14,860

Огурчик? Крыса? И то, и другое?

00:11:14,937 --> 00:11:16,485

Оно называет себя учёным.

00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:17,870

Где он?

00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:21,620

Похоже, что оно передвигается по вентиляции

и трубам пневмопочты.

00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:25,196

Он собирает офисные принадлежности,

видимо, чтобы сконструировать оружие.

00:11:25,221 --> 00:11:27,331

Но cмотрите, что он творит на мезонине!

00:11:27,590 --> 00:11:32,130

Оно перетащило бутылку из помойки в бак для вторсырья.

00:11:32,290 --> 00:11:35,379

Что бы это ни было, оно стыдит нас.

00:11:35,404 --> 00:11:37,874

У нас 34 вооруженных охранника, и мы не можем убить огурец?

00:11:38,062 --> 00:11:39,792

32 вооруженных охранника.

00:11:40,124 --> 00:11:41,484

Двоих он убил.

00:11:41,921 --> 00:11:43,141

Он звонит.

00:11:43,179 --> 00:11:45,909

Соединяй, и отследите его местонахождение.

00:11:46,754 --> 00:11:47,224

Алло.

00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:50,197

Здарова! Эм, не могли бы вы, пожалуйста, выпустить меня?

00:11:50,337 --> 00:11:53,687

Одно лишь ваше нахождение в этом здании

является международным преступлением.

00:11:53,850 --> 00:11:57,010

Я бы вас не выпустил даже если бы вы не убивали моих людей.

00:11:57,035 --> 00:11:59,355

Знайте, что ваши люди сами пошли на смерть.

00:11:59,380 --> 00:12:00,780

И каким же это образом?

00:12:01,002 --> 00:12:02,872

Они не хотели меня выпускать.

00:12:02,974 --> 00:12:03,894

Соленье.

00:12:03,919 --> 00:12:06,275

Закройте рты и примитесь за работу, вы, ебучая мелюзга!

00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:08,210

Я не вовремя, или...?

00:12:08,235 --> 00:12:11,055

Некоторые мои люди зовут тебя Соленье.

00:12:11,650 --> 00:12:14,330

Огуречный Человек.

Старая байка.

00:12:14,355 --> 00:12:16,110

Он выползает из тарелок с недоеденным супом,

00:12:16,130 --> 00:12:18,112

дабы украсть сны у небережливых детишек.

00:12:18,183 --> 00:12:19,583

Вам бы повезло, если бы это было так.

00:12:19,608 --> 00:12:20,748

Пошли! Стрелять на поражение!

00:12:36,584 --> 00:12:37,294

Он мёртв.

00:12:38,487 --> 00:12:41,017

Потому что этому огурчику плевать на ваших деток.

00:12:41,991 --> 00:12:43,301

Я не стану красть их сны.

00:12:43,683 --> 00:12:45,132

Я заберу их родителей.

00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,040

Соленье! Он идет!

00:13:05,065 --> 00:13:07,615

Это потому что я не доел тот бутерброд!

00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,325

Он - всего лишь огурец!

00:13:09,350 --> 00:13:10,770

Он - чудовище.

00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,420

И не только он.

00:13:21,831 --> 00:13:25,531

Можешь и дальше гнить и погибнуть

здесь в отречении от внешнего мира.

00:13:25,754 --> 00:13:29,229

Или, можешь убить огурец и заслужить свободу.

00:13:30,194 --> 00:13:33,754

Нет никакой свободы, покуда дышит твой лидер.

00:13:33,779 --> 00:13:35,549

Вся страна - сплошная тюрьма.

00:13:35,951 --> 00:13:37,511

Значит, Катерина - заключённый.

00:13:37,768 --> 00:13:39,888

Быть может, у меня получится сбросить и её оковы.

00:13:40,741 --> 00:13:42,307

Она жива, Ягуар.

00:13:44,231 --> 00:13:45,871

Где этот огурчик?

00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:48,735

Бет, как ты думаешь, что в этом шприце?

00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,296

Вы мне скажите, не у меня же часовой сеанс стоит 200 баксов.

00:13:51,321 --> 00:13:52,911

Антиогуречная сыворотка.

00:13:52,936 --> 00:13:55,966

Ваши дети считают, что это может быть антиогуречная сыворотка.

00:13:55,991 --> 00:13:59,751

Мои дети ссут прямо за партой и

нюхают необожённые вазы.

00:13:59,776 --> 00:14:01,925

Они просто обижены на меня из-за развода.

00:14:01,950 --> 00:14:03,410

Я и не говорила, что обижена на тебя.

00:14:03,450 --> 00:14:05,860

В этом и есть смысл обнюхивание эмали горшков, Саммер.

00:14:05,885 --> 00:14:07,335

Ты это делаешь, вместо того, чтобы сказать:

00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,280

"Я обиделась на мамочку" в слух.

00:14:09,305 --> 00:14:10,455

Господи! Ох... Там

00:14:10,654 --> 00:14:13,304

В... в... в... этом альбоме фотки людей жующих какахи!

00:14:13,329 --> 00:14:17,029

Выбирать чью-либо сторону или осуждать - не моя работа.

00:14:17,054 --> 00:14:19,534

Как вы считаете, когда ваш отец попросит

вернуть этот шприц,

00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:20,179

вы могли бы спросить...

00:14:20,204 --> 00:14:21,944

Да он в бы жизни не попросил его, ясно?

00:14:21,969 --> 00:14:23,959

Он ему не нужен! Он просто сделает ещё!

00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:26,090

Ему ни откого ничего не нужно!

00:14:26,710 --> 00:14:28,340

И поэтому вы им восхищаетесь.

00:14:29,790 --> 00:14:32,310

Это куда лучше, чем вешать свои проблемы на других.

00:14:50,010 --> 00:14:50,800

Да хорош!

00:15:01,810 --> 00:15:04,881

Огурец, ты должен знать, что ничего личного!

00:15:04,906 --> 00:15:06,436

Ты должен знать, как же это заезженно.

00:15:06,461 --> 00:15:07,571

У них моя дочь!

00:15:07,596 --> 00:15:09,656

И я сделаю всё, чтобы вновь увидать её.

00:15:09,681 --> 00:15:15,211

Ага, чего бы я только НЕ сделал, чтобы увидеться со своей,

но твоя смерть приблизит меня к ней сильнее, чем твоя вторичная херня.

00:15:20,605 --> 00:15:22,600

Я не занимаюсь херней, Огурец.

00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:24,765

Один из нас должен умереть,

00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,290

а я ещё никогда не умирал!

00:15:26,315 --> 00:15:27,655

Это тебя и погубит, Ягуар:

00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,590

ты не открываешься новому опыту.

00:15:42,185 --> 00:15:42,955

Всё готово?

00:15:44,054 --> 00:15:45,034

Ягуар?!

00:15:45,687 --> 00:15:47,207

Ягуар подвёл тебя.

00:15:47,890 --> 00:15:48,580

Давайте!

00:15:48,812 --> 00:15:50,972

Победа за тобой, Огуречный человек.

00:15:50,997 --> 00:15:52,107

Я отключаю охрану.

00:15:52,182 --> 00:15:54,122

Спасибо, не надо.

Я иду по ваши души.

00:15:54,862 --> 00:15:58,772

Огурец, в сейфе на 2 этаже хранятся

облигации стоймостью в 100 миллионов долларов.

00:15:58,879 --> 00:16:00,271

Я скажу тебе комбинацию.

00:16:00,296 --> 00:16:01,916

Но это же деньги народа!

00:16:01,941 --> 00:16:04,201

Заткни рот и вызови мне вертолёт, болван!

00:16:04,323 --> 00:16:05,423

Мы договорились?

00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,545

Передай все эти деньги дочурке Ягуара после её освобождения.

00:16:08,612 --> 00:16:09,742

Или я приду за тобой.

00:16:09,767 --> 00:16:11,137

Его дочь мертва.

00:16:11,384 --> 00:16:12,784

Ха, так ты лжец.

00:16:12,809 --> 00:16:14,139

Ягуар - настоящее животное.

00:16:14,164 --> 00:16:15,904

Ты же - разумный овощ.

00:16:15,994 --> 00:16:17,324

Мы можем договориться.

00:16:17,349 --> 00:16:19,029

Я так не думаю. Скоро увидимся.

00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:20,373

Вертолёт на месте?

00:16:20,404 --> 00:16:20,655

Да.

00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,280

Полиция тоже в пути.

00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:23,450

Что мы им скажем?

00:16:24,490 --> 00:16:26,440

Передайте им, что нас ограбили.

00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:33,140

Эй! Эй, ты куда?

00:16:33,170 --> 00:16:34,420

Я тут!

00:16:49,540 --> 00:16:51,060

Прощай, Соленье.

00:16:55,755 --> 00:16:56,925

Ф-15 уже в воздухе.

00:16:56,970 --> 00:16:59,490

Этот вертолёт превратиться в обломки через семь минут.

00:16:59,792 --> 00:17:02,892

Что ж, моя дочь где-то в пяти минутах отсюда,

а жить мне осталось восемь.

00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,989

Огурец, я так и не успел сказать своей дочурке,

как я люблю ее, но ты успеешь.

00:17:07,014 --> 00:17:08,414

Оу, нууу. Она в курсе!

00:17:08,439 --> 00:17:10,199

В смысле, мы не верим во всё это дерьмо.

00:17:10,224 --> 00:17:13,112

Если подумать, любовь - это лишь чувство

близости, помноженное на время.

00:17:13,137 --> 00:17:16,330

Доступ к бесконечному количеству вселенных

исключает необходимость в близости.

00:17:16,390 --> 00:17:21,770

По факту, я бросил одну из своих бесконечных дочерей

в альтернативной версии Земли, захваченной мутантами.

00:17:22,991 --> 00:17:24,731

Ладушки. Удачи тебе!

00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:27,197

Погодь. А моих дочурок тоже бесконечность?

00:17:27,323 --> 00:17:30,083

А? Эм, нет.

Не, нету. Мне очень жаль.

00:17:30,108 --> 00:17:31,668

Неа, только у меня.

00:17:33,650 --> 00:17:34,420

Мда уж.

00:17:37,110 --> 00:17:37,940

Я...

00:17:38,410 --> 00:17:39,630

очень...

00:17:39,910 --> 00:17:41,310

боюсь...

00:17:41,501 --> 00:17:42,971

что моих детей исключат из школы.

00:17:42,996 --> 00:17:44,776

Отлично. Саммер, теперь ты.

00:17:44,801 --> 00:17:49,193

Я очень зла, что не могу нюхать эмаль,

00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,014

так как люди считают, что это из-за того,

что моя семья - отстой.

00:17:52,217 --> 00:17:57,397

Я хочу, чтобы однажды на меня посмотрели,

как на человека, которому просто нравится кайфовать.

00:17:57,426 --> 00:17:58,296

Очень хорошо.

00:17:58,498 --> 00:18:00,358

Морти, а ты хочешь высказаться?

00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:04,913

Мне... очень... жаль...что я обмочился.

00:18:05,262 --> 00:18:08,782

Мне очень жаль, что я обмочился в классе, а не в уборной.

00:18:08,807 --> 00:18:11,997

Только посмотрите на эту семейку.

Вы ребята молодцы.

00:18:12,182 --> 00:18:14,772

Что вы думаете насчет еженедельной терапии?

00:18:25,821 --> 00:18:26,691

Вы, должно быть, Рик.

00:18:27,396 --> 00:18:29,116

Сегодня я много слышала о вас.

00:18:29,141 --> 00:18:31,235

Ваша семья просто сходит по вам с ума.

00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:33,298

Ваша дочь очень высокого о вас мнения.

00:18:33,323 --> 00:18:34,273

Вы просто везунчик.

00:18:34,298 --> 00:18:35,068

Ага, спасибо.

00:18:35,093 --> 00:18:37,933

Солнышко, у тебя случайно в сумке не завалялся тот шприц?

00:18:42,130 --> 00:18:43,420

Пап...

00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:47,984

Мне бы очень хотелось, чтобы ты сказал, что в этом шприце.

00:18:48,209 --> 00:18:51,889

Это очень важная... Сыворотка... Которая спасёт мне жизнь.

00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:55,064

У меня... у меня был тяжелый день.

00:18:55,227 --> 00:18:58,447

И я получил много ран.

00:18:58,610 --> 00:18:59,850

Я на волоске от смерти,

00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:01,580

но это можно исправить сывороткой.

00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,090

Которая превратит вас из огурца в человека.

00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:05,525

Да.

00:19:05,563 --> 00:19:07,283

Рик, почему вы солгали дочери?

00:19:09,610 --> 00:19:11,020

Чтобы не ехать сюда.

00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:12,310

Почему вы не хотите быть здесь?

00:19:12,335 --> 00:19:14,915

Потому что я не уважаю терапии, потому что я - учёный.

00:19:14,970 --> 00:19:17,670

Потому что я живу тем, что изобретаю, преобразую, созидаю и разрушаю.

00:19:17,896 --> 00:19:19,990

И я изменяю мир, если меня что-то в нём не устраивает.

00:19:20,015 --> 00:19:22,055

И мне думается, что визит в арендованный офис в торговом центре

00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,170

с целью общения с послом среднестатистичности,

00:19:24,195 --> 00:19:26,065

который объяснит, какие чувства передают те или иные слова

00:19:26,090 --> 00:19:27,390

никому никогда не помогал.

00:19:27,415 --> 00:19:29,045

Думаю, это помогает людям забыться

00:19:29,070 --> 00:19:29,940

и перестать паниковать,

00:19:30,218 --> 00:19:32,989

что является складом ума тех же животных, что мы едим.

00:19:33,014 --> 00:19:34,514

Но не тем, что я хочу для себя.

00:19:34,791 --> 00:19:35,791

Я ж не корова.

00:19:35,871 --> 00:19:38,021

Я огурчик!

Когда хочу им быть.

00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:39,986

Так что... Вы сами спросили.

00:19:41,012 --> 00:19:41,582

Рик,

00:19:41,682 --> 00:19:46,972

ваш неоспоримый интеллект и болезнь,

разрушающую вашу семью, связывает лишь то,

00:19:46,997 --> 00:19:49,217

что все в вашей семье, включая вас,

00:19:49,429 --> 00:19:51,819

используют интеллект для оправдания этой болезни.

00:19:51,885 --> 00:19:58,175

Похоже, что Вы поочерёдно считаете,

что ваш разум - неостановимая сила и неизбежное проклятие.

00:19:58,650 --> 00:20:02,718

И я считаю, что Вы так поступаете, потому что единственное

непостижимое для вас понятие состоит в том,

00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,828

что это Ваш разум, находящийся под Вашим контролем.

00:20:05,091 --> 00:20:07,881

Вы сами решили явиться сюда.

Вы решили высказаться,

00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:11,476

чтобы принизить мою профессию ровно так же,

как и решили стать огурчиком.

00:20:12,069 --> 00:20:14,130

Вы - хозяин своего собственной вселенной.

00:20:14,155 --> 00:20:16,733

И в то же время с вас стекает крысиная кровь и фекалии.

00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:20,028

Вы сами заставили свой разум

буквально пресмыкаться.

00:20:20,276 --> 00:20:23,736

Я не сомневаюсь, что вам до смерти наскучит моя терапия.

00:20:23,761 --> 00:20:26,691

Как и мне становится скучно, когда я чищу зубы или подтираю задницу.

00:20:26,870 --> 00:20:32,388

Дело в том, что восстановление, поддержка и очистка - это не приключение.

00:20:32,458 --> 00:20:34,768

В этом нет никакого риска для жизни.

00:20:34,944 --> 00:20:36,419

Это просто работа.

00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:40,574

И, подводя черту, скажу, что некоторые люди

могут смириться с работой, а некоторые

00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,590

что ж, некоторые предпочтут смерть.

00:20:43,615 --> 00:20:45,665

У каждого из нас есть выбор.

00:20:49,090 --> 00:20:52,850

Сеанс окончен. Я дам вам свою визитку,

надеюсь мы ещё встретимся.

00:20:52,870 --> 00:20:56,550

И, если у вас есть друзья или родственники,

оторые поедают фекалии и хотят прекратить, передайте мой номер.

00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:03,860

Ты... ты прости меня, за то, что солгал.

00:21:03,910 --> 00:21:05,130

Я... я не должен тебе лгать.

00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:05,890

Оу, все в порядке.

00:21:05,910 --> 00:21:08,510

То есть, спасибо, и, да, не должен.

00:21:08,530 --> 00:21:11,810

Но, надеюсь, ты понимаешь, что этот сеанс должен был быть не об этом.

00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:16,280

Да не, в смысле, я... я знаю, что Морти обмочил портки,

и Саммер нюхала клей или типа того...

00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:20,133

Она нюхала эмаль, а мы об этом даже не говорили.

00:21:20,158 --> 00:21:21,888

Да... Есть дела поважнее.

00:21:22,728 --> 00:21:24,848

Ох уж эта мозгоправка.

Слова вставить не даёт.

00:21:27,170 --> 00:21:29,010

Так мы вернемся туда?

00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,450

Дорогуша, можно... можно мне шприц?

00:21:31,470 --> 00:21:33,530

Бог ты мой, да! Пап, он у меня в сумочке.

00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,530

Прости меня ради бога. Ты, наверное, в агонии.

00:21:43,850 --> 00:21:44,560

Господи.

00:21:46,090 --> 00:21:48,320

Боже мой. Ох уж эти психологи.

00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:49,820

Те еще фрукты.

00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,900

Блин, как же я скучал по своим рукам, и крови и желудку.

00:21:54,674 --> 00:21:55,614

Нам надо выпить.

00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,286

Серьезно? Типа, куда-нибудь съездить?

00:21:57,311 --> 00:21:59,791

Да, давай сбросим детей и наклюкаемся как следует.

00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:01,050

Без вопросов.

00:22:02,370 --> 00:22:03,730

А мне она понравилась.

00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:08,490

Что думаешь насчет "Таверны Смоукис"?

О, а может "Шоунис"?

00:22:08,510 --> 00:22:09,920

Ага, что угодно. Что угодно сойдет.

00:22:42,698 --> 00:22:44,581

Тебе не сойдёт это с рук, Концерто.

00:22:44,691 --> 00:22:46,870

Вот тут вы ошибаетесь, мистер Санчез.

00:22:46,988 --> 00:22:50,363

Это будет моим величайшим представлением

всех времён!

00:22:53,085 --> 00:22:55,906

Ну, всё, Морти, нам конец.

Нам не спастись.

00:22:56,140 --> 00:22:58,335

После всего, через что мы прошли,

вот так мы погибнем.

00:22:58,835 --> 00:23:00,015

Пусть земля тебе будет пухом.

00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:01,992

Блин, Рик, я-я-я не хочу умирать.

00:23:02,054 --> 00:23:04,539

А теперь Ми беБОЛЬ!

00:23:07,284 --> 00:23:08,104

Ягуар!

00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,383

Кто-кто это был, Рик?

00:23:14,524 --> 00:23:17,172

Это, Морти, причина, по которой

не стоит ходить к психологу.

00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:06,256

-Morty!

-Rick?

00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:08,717

-RICK: Hey, Morty?!

-Rick?

00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,512

Are you far away,

or are you inside something?

00:00:11,637 --> 00:00:12,971

Is this a camera?

00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,640

Is everything a camera?

00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,391

RICK:

Morty, the garage, Morty.

00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:17,768

Come to the garage!

00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,104

-Morty?

-Rick? W-Where are you?

00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,356

RICK:

On my work bench, Morty.

00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:24,399

Are you invisible and you're

gonna, like, fart on me?

00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,609

RICK:

Flip the pickle over.

00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:26,735

What, I'm gonna touch it,

00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,320

and you're gonna tell me it's

an alien dick or something.

00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:30,197

RICK: Come on,

flip the pickle, Morty.

00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:33,116

You're not gonna regret it.

The payoff is huge.

00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,244

I turned myself

into a pickle, Morty!

00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,538

Boom! Big reveal...

I'm a pickle.

00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:38,789

What do you think about that?

00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,624

I turned myself into a pickle!

00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,626

W-What are you just

staring at me for, bro?

00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,545

I turned myself

into a pickle, Morty!

00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:45,796

-And?

-And?

00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,339

What more do you want

tacked on to this?

00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,133

I turned myself into a pickle,

and 9/11 was an inside job.

00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:51,468

-Was it?

-Who cares, Morty?

00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,262

Global acts of terrorism

happen every day.

00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,347

Uh, here's something

that's never happened before...

00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,723

I'm a pickle.

00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:59,101

I'm Pickle Rick!

00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:06,692

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:37,514

Are you going to,

I mean, you know...

00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:39,641

Is this the first part

of some kind of magic trick?

00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,643

I don't do magic, Morty,

I do science.

00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,395

One takes brains,

the other takes dark eyeliner.

00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,689

Well, can you move?

Can you fly?

00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,316

Wouldn't be much

of a pickle if I could.

00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,360

All right, well, do pickles

live forever or...

00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:53,614

Morty, stop digging for hidden

layers and just be impressed.

00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,157

-I'm a pickle.

-I-I'm just trying

00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,867

to figure out

why you would do this...

00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,243

why anyone would do this.

00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,787

The reason anyone would

do this is, if they could,

00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,998

which they can't,

would be because they could,

00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:03,999

-which they can't.

-[ Door opens ]

00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,168

Morty, we have to get going,

or we're gonna be late.

00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,961

-Where's your grandpa?

-RICK: Right here, sweetie.

00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,546

-I'm a pickle!

-What?!

00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,006

Why would you... Ugh!

00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,633

Look, we're running late.

We have to go.

00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:13,925

W-Where are you guys going?

00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:16,178

We have an appointment

downtown

00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:19,222

that was set a week ago

and agreed upon by everyone,

00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:20,223

including you.

00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:23,518

Oh, my God. Beth, oh,

it totally slipped my mind.

00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,520

Geez, oh, man.

I'm a pickle.

00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,856

I mean, I don't know

if I can... Ooh, geez.

00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,484

Rick, did you do this on purpose

to get out of family counseling?

00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:31,985

-Morty!

-It's okay, Beth.

00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,445

I understand Morty's suspicion.

00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,113

I've misled him before.

00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,574

Morty, turn me so we're

making eye contact.

00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,328

Morty, I assure you,

I would never find a way

00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,455

to get out of family therapy.

00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,123

I hope my lack of fingers

doesn't prevent

00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:46,875

the perception of my air quotes.

00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,460

Can't you just turn yourself

back into a human?

00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:49,628

Great question, Summer.

00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:52,631

The unfortunate answer is

I did this to challenge myself.

00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,591

And it could take hours

or even days

00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,968

before I'm able to figure out

how to return to human form.

00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,679

But, I mean, you know,

your mom could put me

00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,347

in a purse or a pocket,

you know,

00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:01,473

if she really needs me to go.

00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:03,725

Nobody needs anything.

Okay, it's fine.

00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,435

I mean, you should just

stay here and figure out

00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:06,853

how to stop being

a pickle, okay?

00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:09,815

Hey, Rick, why is there

a syringe of mysterious fluid

00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,233

hanging directly over you?

00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,694

Also, why is the string

attached to it running through

00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,445

a pair of scissors

attached to a timer?

00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,948

And why is the timer set

to 10 minutes from now,

00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:20,409

exactly when we would

have left for therapy?

00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,704

Well, Morty, if you must know,

00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:26,456

the syringe is completely

unrelated to this discussion

00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,333

and, therefore, does not warrant

further explanation.

00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,961

Enough. Kids, it's time to go.

We don't want to be late.

00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:32,462

W-W-What are you

doing there, Beth?

00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,755

W-What are you doing there,

sweetie?

00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,632

Well, I mean, you don't

want to get pierced by a needle

00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,843

full of liquid unrelated

to your situation.

00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,094

How's that gonna help?

00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,429

Can't argue with that.

00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,596

Great.

We'll see you later.

00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:42,889

Hey, hey, be careful with that.

00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,015

-It's for something else.

-[ Car doors open, close ]

00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:45,183

-[ Engine starts ]

-It's really important,

00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,143

so don't break it.

00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,938

Okay, I may have fucked up here.

00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,106

[ Groans ]

00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,067

Dup, ap, ap, pap, ut,

dah, pap, pap, pap, pah.

00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,819

T-T-Tah, tah.

00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:59,406

[ Blowing raspberries ]

00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,699

[ Groans ]

00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:03,285

[ Clicking tongue ]

00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,164

-[ Cat meows ]

-Oh, great.

00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,417

Stupid cat.

00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:12,127

[ Cat sniffs, yowls ]

00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,503

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I know what it looks like

00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,046

to you, Izzy,

but I'm not a snake!

00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,590

I've seen the YouTube videos.

I know cats are scared

00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,842

of cucumbers and pickles because

they think they're snakes.

00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,302

-[ Hisses ]

-I'm not a snake!

00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:21,678

I'm a pickle, I'm a pickle!

00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:22,888

Whoa! [ Grunts ]

00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,098

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,475

[ Groans ]

00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,269

Oh, crap, that sun is bright.

00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,480

Okay, come on.

00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:32,898

This can't really be

the way I go out.

00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:34,441

This is the mega-genius

equivalent

00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,193

of dying on the toilet.

00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,530

So hot.

00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:42,365

This is how I'm gonna die.

00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,956

[ Thunder rumbles ]

00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:54,002

Oh, God, moisture.

00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,505

Oh, God, the moisture.

Dial it back, God.

00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,507

Dial it back a little bit here!

00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,716

Oh! Oh.

00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,051

[ Gasping ]

00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:03,053

[ Grunting ]

00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:04,221

Oh, God!

00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:06,348

Perpendicular, perpendicular!

00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:07,933

Oh, shit!

00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,143

Oh! Oh!

00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,398

[ Screaming ]

00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,317

[ Grunting ]

00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,694

Oh!

00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,283

[ Squeaking ]

00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,454

Come on.

That's it.

00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:31,581

Come get this delicious brine.

00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,666

Aah!

00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,668

-[ Squeals ]

-[ Grunts ]

00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,711

[ Muffled ] Come on!

Come on, motherfucker!

00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,046

Come on!

00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,173

[ Grunting ]

00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,219

[ Loud crunch ]

00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,763

[ Panting ]

00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,572

How is this even family therapy

00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,032

if Dad's not invited

and Grandpa won't come?

00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,243

Yeah, and what's courageous

about eating a hot dog?

00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,579

It's nobody's choice

to be here, you knobs.

00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,331

The family was told to get

counseling by your principal,

00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,083

even though it's not

the family that was

00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,544

huffing pottery glaze

in the art room

00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,296

and desk wetting

in history class.

00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,172

-[ Door opens ]

-Oh, the Smith family,

00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:22,549

minus a dad.

00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,384

You're patients

of Dr. Wong, too?

00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:26,386

Temporarily...

by order of the school.

00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:29,472

Me too. How long have

you all been eating poop?

00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:33,935

We...have never...eaten poop.

00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,520

Uh, me, neither.

00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:38,690

Say, where did my family

get off to? [ Chuckles ]

00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,483

Smith family, I'm Dr. Wong.

00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,027

Come on in.

00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:49,034

I was told there was a grandpa

that might be joining us?

00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,994

He got wrapped up

in an experiment.

00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,746

He's a scientist.

00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:55,081

Like, legit,

like on a an inter-galactic,

00:06:55,206 --> 00:06:56,750

sci-fi level.

His work is very...

00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,084

He turned himself into a pickle.

00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,295

Morty, Mom's talking.

I'm sorry.

00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,213

I suppose that's a good segue

00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,633

into our little

discipline cases here.

00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,469

Does Grandpa turn himself

into a pickle a lot?

00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:10,513

What?! No!

What kind of question is that?

00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:13,475

The kind that wasn't designed to

attack or hurt you in any way.

00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,852

Oh, Jesus Christ, one of these.

00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:19,272

No, my father has never turned

himself into a pickle before.

00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,566

He's unpredictable

and eccentric.

00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,818

The whole family is.

Speaking of which...

00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,780

Okay, let's open things up

to the whole family,

00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,949

and let me ask this.

00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:32,118

Why do we think Grandpa

turned himself into a pickle?

00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,081

[ Sawing ]

00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,044

[ Sighs ]

00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:43,213

Wow. Ugh!

00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,174

[ Snarling ]

00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,551

Hey, listen, I know this

is your world, not mine.

00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,261

The sooner I can get out,

the sooner I can go back

00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:53,556

to taking big craps, and you can

go back to subsisting on them.

00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,892

You are one driven rat.

00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:59,854

Could you be

a little more driven?

00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,731

To the right.

00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,693

Yes, yes, yes!

00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,778

Come on, come on, come on!

Fresh, fresh, fresh!

00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,780

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

was this your friend?

00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,782

Don't worry, he died

doing what he loved,

00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,367

being a dumb fucking rat.

00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,035

[ Grunts ]

00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:17,622

[ Snarling, screeching ]

00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,582

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,931

Oh, yeah!

00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:37,017

[ Grunting ]

00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,354

[ Laughs ]

00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:44,607

[ Rats squealing ]

00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:58,288

[ Grunting ]

00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,914

Aaaah!

00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,624

I didn't say

my father is perfect,

00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,084

I said his work is important.

00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,919

And she's saying

what's important is

00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,963

that Grandpa lied to you

to get out of coming here.

00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,048

Oh, he did not!

00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,549

Let's do an experiment here.

00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:11,926

I get the impression

this family values science.

00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,179

So raise your hand

if you feel certain

00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:16,056

you know what was

in the syringe.

00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:19,601

Raise your hand

if you know for certain

00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,812

the syringe does not

contain anti-pickle serum.

00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,024

Beth, your hand did

a little thing there.

00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,442

Do you really not see

what's happening here?

00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,444

-Tell me.

-Well, Dr. Wong...

00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,029

by the way, racist name...

00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:33,156

obviously, Morty and Summer

are seizing on your

00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,408

arbitrary pickle obsession

as an end run

00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,619

around what was supposed

to be their therapy.

00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:40,997

Oh, I think this pickle incident

is a better path than any other

00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,999

to the heart of

your family's dysfunction.

00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:44,876

I think it's possible

that you and your father

00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:47,170

have a very specific dynamic.

00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,254

I don't think it's one

00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:50,131

that rewards emotion

or vulnerability.

00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,508

I think it may punish them.

00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:54,177

I think it's possible that

dynamic eroded your marriage

00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,096

and is infecting

your kids with a tendency

00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:57,847

to misdirect their feelings.

00:09:59,140 --> 00:09:59,933

Fuck you.

00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:00,934

-Mom!

-Mom!

00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,018

Fuck both of you, too.

00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,020

[ Snarling ]

00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,356

By the way, you might notice

that in spite of

00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,149

your numerous

distinctive features

00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:11,736

[growls] I never gave you a name

like Scar or Stripe or Goliath.

00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,197

That's because, to me,

you aren't special.

00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:16,491

You were special to rats.

Now they're dead.

00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,910

I guess it was me

you should have impressed.

00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,703

God damn it, I love myself.

00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:33,383

Pickle Rick!

00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,433

[ Grunting ]

00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,395

[ Sighs ]

00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,730

[ Grunting ]

00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,024

Get that parkour.

Get that parkour!

00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,693

[ Grunts ]

00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,403

[ Elevator dings ]

00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:54,988

-[ All gasp ]

-Hey, it's cool.

00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,239

Just need to find

the nearest exit.

00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,907

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No need to freak out.

00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,742

[ Shouting in Russian ]

00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:00,785

Whoa!

00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,287

[ Panting ]

00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,414

Who in the fuck's toilet

is this?

00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:07,375

[ Alarm blaring ]

00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,380

What is it?

00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,883

[ Russian accent ]

A pickle? A rat? Both.

00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,426

[ Russian accent ]

It says it's a scientist.

00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:17,719

Where is it?

00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,554

It seems to be

using the air ducts

00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,181

and the mail tubes

to get around.

00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,850

It's been gathering

office supplies, we think,

00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:25,143

to build weaponry.

00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,687

But look what it did

on the mezzanine.

00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:31,649

It transferred a bottle from

the trash to the recycling bin.

00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:35,236

Whatever this thing is,

it's shaming us.

00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,822

We have 34 armed guards,

and we can't kill a pickle?

00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,824

32 armed guards.

00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,618

He killed two.

00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:42,785

It's on the phone.

00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:45,705

Put him on, and locate

the phone he's using.

00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:47,123

-[ Phone beeps ]

-Hello.

00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:50,126

RICK: Hi, um, can you, uh

[belches] please let me out?

00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:51,753

Your mere presence

in this building

00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,630

violates international law.

00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:56,758

I couldn't let you out even

if you hadn't killed two men.

00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:59,010

You should know

those men killed themselves.

00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,762

PAVEL:

And how is that?

00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,764

RICK: They didn't

[belches] let me out.

00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:03,598

Solen'ya.

00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,058

Shut your mouth

and do yourjobs,

00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:06,142

you fucking children!

00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:08,102

Uh, is this not

a good time or...

00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,813

Some of my men

are calling you "Solen'ya"...

00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:14,150

the Pickle Man,

an old wives' tale.

00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:15,777

He crawls from

bowls of cold soup

00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,029

to steal the dreams

of wasteful children.

00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,572

RICK:

That'd be a lucky break for you.

00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:20,823

Go, shoot to kill.

00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:23,326

Aaah!

00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,914

[ Both scream ]

00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,668

[ Gunfire in distance ]

00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:36,965

[ Russian accent ]

We got him.

00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:39,008

RICK:

Because this pickle

00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,177

doesn't care about

your children.

00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,388

And I'm not gonna

take their dreams.

00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:46,307

I'm gonna take their parents.

00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,767

[ Beeping ]

00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,355

[ Whirring ]

00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,153

[ Whirring ]

00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,197

[ Screaming ]

00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,826

Solen'ya!

He's coming!

00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,537

It's because I threw

halfway my sandwich!

00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,330

He's just a pickle!

00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,498

He's a monster.

00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,208

He's not the only one.

00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:13,876

[ Beep ]

00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:25,221

You can stay dead to the world

and die in this room.

00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:29,350

Or you can kill a pickle for me

and earn your freedom.

00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:33,604

There is no freedom while

your leader breathes.

00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,773

Our country is a prison.

00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,608

Then Catarina is a prisoner.

00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,111

Perhaps I could arrange

her escape, as well.

00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,739

She lives, Jaguar.

00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,242

Where is this pickle?

00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,536

What do you think is

in the syringe, Beth?

00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,247

You're the one that costs

$200 an hour. You tell me.

00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:52,790

-Anti-pickle serum.

-It's anti-pickle serum.

00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,793

Your kids think it might be

anti-pickle serum.

00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:59,547

My kids pee their desks

and suck on unbaked vases.

00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,674

They're just angry at me

for divorcing their father.

00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,217

I never said I was angry at you.

00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,470

That's the point of

pottery-enamel huffing, Summer.

00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,096

You do it so you

don't have to say,

00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,140

"I'm angry at Mommy," out loud.

00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:10,808

Oh, my God!

Oh, there...

00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,935

there's pictures of people

eating poop in there!

00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:16,814

It's not my job to take sides

or pass judgment.

00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,317

Do you think when your father

asks for that syringe,

00:14:19,442 --> 00:14:20,151

you could ask him...

00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:21,569

He won't have to

ask for it, okay?

00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,780

He won't need it.

He'll just make more.

00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,074

He doesn't need

anything from anyone.

00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,534

You admire him for that.

00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,745

It's better than

making your problems

00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,246

other people's problems.

00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,374

[ Whirring ]

00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,263

[ Screams ]

00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,307

Oh, come on!

[ Grunts ]

00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,271

[ Screams ]

00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,523

[ Groans ]

00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,484

[ Sighs ]

00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:04,779

Pickle Man, you should

know this isn't personal!

00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,364

You should know

that isn't original.

00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:07,448

They have my daughter.

00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,534

There's nothing I won't do

to see her again.

00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:11,786

Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do

to see my daughter,

00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,579

but killing you gets me

to her quicker

00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,373

than your derivative bullshit.

00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:17,125

[ Groaning ]

00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,294

[ Both screaming ]

00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,213

I never bullshit, Pickle Man.

00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,424

This can only end

with one of us dead,

00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:25,967

and I have never died.

00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,885

That will be your

downfall, Jaguar,

00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,179

not being open

to new experiences.

00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,184

[ Gunfire ]

00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,860

Is it done?

00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,278

Jaguar?!

00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,155

RICK:

Jaguar couldn't make it.

00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,322

PAVEL:

Do it.

00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,616

Okay, you win, Pickle Man.

00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,034

I'm unsealing the building.

00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,704

RICK: No, thanks.

I'm coming for you now.

00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:57,331

Pickle Man, there's

$100 million worth of bonds

00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:58,708

in a safe on level two.

00:15:58,833 --> 00:15:59,959

I'll give you the combination.

00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:01,919

That money belongs

to the people.

00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,172

Shut up and call me

a helicopter, you prick!

00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,298

Do we have a deal?!

00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,300

RICK: Take that money,

give it to Jaguar's daughter

00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:08,426

when you set her free.

00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:09,719

Or I'll be visiting you.

00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:11,304

PAVEL:

Jaguar's daughter is dead.

00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,555

Huh, so you're a liar.

00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,098

PAVEL:

Jaguar was an animal.

00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,683

You're an intelligent pickle.

00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,101

We can do business.

00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,187

RICK: I don't think so.

See you soon.

00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,563

-Is the helicopter here?

-Yes.

00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,107

And the police are on the way.

What do we tell them?

00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,192

-Ooh!

-Aah!

00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:25,985

Tell them we were robbed.

00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,531

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,825

Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?!

00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,410

I'm right here!

00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:51,010

Farewell, Solen'ya.

00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:56,891

F-15s are scrambled.

00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,393

This helicopter will be

shot down in seven minutes.

00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,937

Well, my daughter

is about five away,

00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,688

and I've got about

eight to live.

00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:05,066

Pickle Man, it's too late

for me to tell my daughter

00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,817

I love her, but not for you.

00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:08,194

Oh, well, uh, she knows.

00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:10,071

I mean, we don't really

buy into that kind of crap.

00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:11,531

To the extent that love

is an expression

00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:14,242

of familiarity over time,

my access to infinite timelines

00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,035

precludes the necessity

of attachment.

00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,496

In fact, I even abandoned

one of my infinite daughters

00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:22,500

in an alternate version of earth

that was taken over by mutants.

00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,961

Okay.

Good luck with that.

00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:27,046

Wait. Do I have

infinite daughters?

00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,132

Huh? Uh, no.

No, nope, sorry about that.

00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:31,551

Nope, just me.

00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,136

Yeesh!

00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:38,848

I...

00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:39,849

am...

00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:41,394

afraid...

00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:42,937

that my kids will get expelled.

00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,438

Good.

Summer, you go.

00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,816

I am mad...

00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,818

that I can't huff enamel

00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:51,821

without people assuming

it's because my family sucks.

00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:55,366

I hope to be seen one day

00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,285

as someone that just

likes getting high.

00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,244

Good job.

00:17:58,369 --> 00:18:00,162

Morty, do you have

an "I" statement?

00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:03,666

I am sad...

00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:04,959

that I peed.

00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:08,546

I'm sad that I peed in class

instead of a toilet.

00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:11,757

Look at this family go.

You guys are pros.

00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:14,844

What do you guys think about

doing this once a week?

00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:17,888

Ugh.

00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,311

[ Grunts ]

00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,479

[ Groans ]

00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,356

-You must be Rick.

-Mm-hmm.

00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:28,983

I've heard a lot

about you today.

00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,027

Your family is crazy about you.

00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:32,737

Your daughter holds you

in very high regard.

00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,155

You're a lucky fella.

00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,073

Yeah, thank you.

Uh, sweetie, you don't still

00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:37,783

happen to have that syringe

in your purse?

00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,289

Dad...

00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:47,835

I would like you to tell me

what's in the syringe.

00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:52,006

It's a serum that I need to,

uh... to stay alive.

00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,967

I have had a rough day.

00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:58,346

And, uh, I've sustained

a lot of damage.

00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:01,349

I'm pretty close to death,

which the serum will prevent.

00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,768

By changing you from

a pickle to a human.

00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:05,519

Yes.

00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,605

Rick, why did you lie

to your daughter?

00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,858

So I wouldn't have to come here.

00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,109

Why didn't you want

to come here?

00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:14,654

Because I don't respect therapy,

because I'm a scientist.

00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,864

Because I invent, transform,

create, and destroy

00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,449

for a living, and when

I don't like something

00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:19,742

about the world, I change it.

00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,827

And I don't think going to

a rented office in a strip mall

00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:23,829

to listen to some

agent of averageness

00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:25,665

explain which words

mean which feelings

00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,249

has ever helped

anyone do anything.

00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:28,918

I think it's helped a lot

of people get comfortable

00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:30,878

and stop panicking,

which is a state of mind

00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,755

[burps] we value

in the animals we eat

00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,465

but not something

I want for myself.

00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:35,716

I'm not a cow.

00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,802

I'm a pickle...

when I feel like it.

00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:40,554

So...you asked.

00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,890

Rick, the only

connection between

00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,226

your unquestionable intelligence

and the sickness

00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:48,145

destroying your family

is that everyone in your family,

00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,732

you included, use intelligence

to justify sickness.

00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,318

You seem to alternate

between viewing your own mind

00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:58,155

as an unstoppable force

and as an inescapable curse.

00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,699

And I think

it's because the only

00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,826

truly unapproachable

concept for you

00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:04,829

is that it's your mind

within your control.

00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:06,622

You chose to come here.

00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:09,500

You chose to talk,

to belittle my vocation,

00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,794

just as you chose

to become a pickle.

00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:13,838

You are the master

of your universe,

00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:16,549

and yet you are dripping

with rat blood and feces,

00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:19,844

your enormous mind literally

vegetating by your own hand.

00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:22,513

I have no doubt that

you would be bored senseless

00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:25,266

by therapy, the same way

I'm bored when I brush my teeth

00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:26,559

and wipe my ass.

00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:28,477

Because the thing

about repairing,

00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:32,273

maintaining, and cleaning is

it's not an adventure.

00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:34,692

There's no way to do it

so wrong, you might die.

00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,277

It's just work.

00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:37,361

And the bottom line is,

00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:40,948

some people are okay going

to work, and some people...

00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,325

well, some people

would rather die.

00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,995

Each of us gets to choose.

00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:49,874

-[ Watch beeps ]

-That's our time.

00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:51,250

I'm going to

give you guys my card

00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:52,418

and hope to hear

from you again.

00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,295

And if you have any friends

or family that eat poop

00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,089

and would like to stop,

give them my number.

00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,429

I'm sorry I lied

to get out of the thing.

00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:05,598

-I... I shouldn't lie to you.

-Oh, it's fine.

00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:08,017

I mean, thank you,

and, yeah, you shouldn't.

00:21:08,142 --> 00:21:09,810

But I hope you know

that's not what

00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,520

that session was supposed to be.

00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:14,106

Oh, no, I mean, I know

it was Morty peeing his pants

00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:15,983

and Summer snorting glue

or whatever...

00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,026

[ Beth laughs ]

00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:19,945

She huffed enamel, and we never

even talked about it.

00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,197

RICK: Well, there was

so much more at stake.

00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:22,281

[ Beth laughs ]

00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:25,451

RICK: I mean, that shrink,

what a monologuist.

00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,996

Are we gonna go back?

00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,915

Sweetie, could I get...

get that syringe now?

00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,292

Oh, my God, yes!

Dad, it's in my purse.

00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,294

Oh, I'm sorry.

You must be in agony.

00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:40,758

[ Groans ]

00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:43,260

[ Coughing ]

00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:44,220

Jesus.

00:21:44,345 --> 00:21:45,596

[ Coughs ]

00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:48,098

Jesus Christ.

Therapists, man.

00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:49,517

Weird breed.

00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:51,227

Man, I missed having hands...

00:21:51,352 --> 00:21:54,188

and blood and a stomach.

00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:55,648

We should get a drink.

00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:57,107

Really?

Like, go somewhere?

00:21:57,233 --> 00:21:59,693

Yeah, let's drop the kids off

and go tie one on.

00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,445

Absolutely.

00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:03,989

I-I liked her.

00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:07,076

So what are you thinking,

like, Smokey's Tavern?

00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:08,077

Maybe Shoney's?

00:22:08,202 --> 00:22:10,120

Yeah, either one.

Either one.

00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:13,958

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:22:42,611 --> 00:22:44,405

RICK: You'll never get away

with this, Concerto.

00:22:44,530 --> 00:22:46,574

That is where you're mistaken,

Mr. Sanchez.

00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:50,327

This shall be my greatest

performance of all time!

00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:52,204

[ "Moonlight Sonata" plays ]

00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:54,415

RICK: This is it, Morty.

We're goners.

00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:55,541

We're not getting

out of this one.

00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:57,001

After everything

we've been through,

00:22:57,126 --> 00:22:58,168

this is how we're gonna die.

00:22:58,294 --> 00:22:59,753

Make peace with your god.

00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,755

Oh, geez, Rick,

I-I-I don't want to die!

00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:04,842

And now for the E-splat!

00:23:04,967 --> 00:23:06,302

[ Grunts ]

00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:08,053

Jaguar!

00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:14,268

Who... Who was that, Rick?

00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:17,187

That, Morty, is why

you don't go to therapy.