Свадебные Сквончеры

00:00:04,464 --> 00:00:07,133

Jerry, get a job.

[knock on door]

00:00:07,217 --> 00:00:08,760

Uh, w-why

don't you get it, Jerry?

00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,429

You're the man of the house,

and you don't have a job.

00:00:11,513 --> 00:00:13,223

[Sighs]

00:00:13,306 --> 00:00:14,683

Delivery for Rick.

00:00:14,933 --> 00:00:16,351

Morning, Summer, Beth,

and Jerry.

00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:19,062

- Gross. What is that thing?

- It's a courier flap.

00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,539

It's like the intergalactic

version of UPS,

00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:22,065

but less off-putting.

00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:23,358

Oh, shiiit!

00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:25,318

It looks like an egg-vite

from Birdperson.

00:00:25,402 --> 00:00:27,487

Must be time

for his annual Oscar party.

00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:29,256

And, by the way,

our TV signals take light years

00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,448

to reach his planet.

00:00:30,532 --> 00:00:32,367

Nobody tell him

that "Braveheart" wins.

00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,369

[music plays] Greetings.

This is Birdperson.

00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:35,620

And Tammy!

00:00:35,704 --> 00:00:37,497

Inviting you

to planet Squanch for

00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:39,332

our mate-melding ceremony...

- Blugh!

00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:40,709

[Muffled]

Ifyou're from Earth,

00:00:40,959 --> 00:00:42,239

that means

we're getting married!

00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,671

Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's

marrying Birdperson!

00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:46,381

What the hell is a Birdperson?

00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:47,674

He's Rick's best friend.

00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:49,402

Uh, I-let's not

get carried away, Morty.

00:00:49,426 --> 00:00:51,261

Would you like to RSVP

or send a gift?

00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:53,263

No. Weddings are basically

funerals with cake.

00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:55,324

If I wanted to watch someone

throw their life away,

00:00:55,348 --> 00:00:57,183

[burps]

I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

00:00:57,267 --> 00:00:58,685

Affirmative!

Returning to sender.

00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:00,079

No, hold on, stay,

courier flaps.

00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,813

- Staying!

- Dad, you have a friend...

00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:03,815

that's getting married.

That's a big deal.

00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,692

It's a big deal he has a friend.

00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:08,278

What do you know

about friendship, Jerry?

00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:09,946

Confirmed, shipping Jerry.

00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,948

- Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah!

- Oh, god! Jerry!

00:01:12,031 --> 00:01:13,116

- Dad!

- Dad!

00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:15,201

Where is it taking him?

00:01:15,285 --> 00:01:17,162

I assume planet Squanch...

00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,122

6,000 light years

across the galaxy.

00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,707

Whoa, t-that's...

That's insane!

00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:23,585

Yeah, I know. Now we have

to go to the wedding.

00:01:23,668 --> 00:01:26,254

♪♪

00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:56,868

[Upbeat music playing]

00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,787

[Bottles rattling]

00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:05,960

Rick Sanchez!

00:02:06,044 --> 00:02:07,504

You psycho bag of squanch!

00:02:07,587 --> 00:02:09,005

Hey, what's up, Squanchy?

00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:10,965

- Hey, Squanchy.

- Morty, Summer!

00:02:11,049 --> 00:02:12,634

And you must be Beth.

00:02:12,717 --> 00:02:14,636

Mwah!

Ensquanche!

00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:17,430

Your language has the word

"squanch" in it a lot.

00:02:17,514 --> 00:02:18,949

Doesn't that become

tedious and worn out,

00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,433

like the Smurf thing?

00:02:20,517 --> 00:02:23,478

Beth, Squanchy culture

is more contextual than literal.

00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:26,022

Just say what's in your

squanch and people understand.

00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:27,398

Oh. Okay.

00:02:27,482 --> 00:02:29,943

I squanch my family.

00:02:30,026 --> 00:02:31,653

- Uh...

- What? I do.

00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,364

I squanch my family.

- Stop saying it. Gross.

00:02:34,447 --> 00:02:35,907

Come on in, guys.

00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,742

The guest are having

cocksquanches.

00:02:40,745 --> 00:02:42,455

[Groaning]

00:02:42,539 --> 00:02:43,915

[Gasps]

00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,667

Where am I?!

- You're at a wedding.

00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,418

Go change.

00:02:47,502 --> 00:02:50,046

♪ And I'm an alien

with jazz rap style ♪

00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,340

♪ Jazz rapping

for an alien mile ♪

00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:55,093

♪ Fat beats and an alien

smile ♪

00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:58,388

♪ Jazz space phone,

alien dial is my friend ♪

00:02:58,471 --> 00:02:59,990

♪ I got a mouthful of jazz

for your ass ♪

00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,474

[Crying]

00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:02,767

♪ And I'm gonna keep

jazzing ♪

00:03:02,851 --> 00:03:04,394

[Both squealing]

Oh, you made it!

00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,354

I wouldn't miss it

for the world!

00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,523

Oh, my god.

I love your ring.

00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:11,484

Thanks. It was

Birdperson's grandmother's.

00:03:11,568 --> 00:03:13,236

She fought a squirrel for it.

00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,529

Birdperson.

00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,531

Rick, I am pleased

you and your family

00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,408

could witness my melding

with Tammy.

00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,076

Our pleasure.

00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:21,595

Yeah, I just hope

you got a pre-meld.

00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,371

- Rick!

- What?! It's just a practical

00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,307

way of making sure that

when she's done with you,

00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:27,083

you can get

one of your balls back.

00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:29,085

- Jesus, Dad.

- He's grumpy from the flight.

00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,087

Ohh, I-I was happy

on the flight.

00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,006

I'm grumpy from the landing.

00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:35,550

[Sighs] Well, I looked

at the guest book.

00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,802

We don't know

a damn person here.

00:03:37,886 --> 00:03:39,971

Hi! Jerry Smith...

Father of the bride's friend.

00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,265

Advertising is my usual game,

but I'm between...

00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:44,100

Jerry, stop networking.

We're in space.

00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:45,852

"Jerry, get a job!

00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,788

Jerry, don't look for a job

at an alien wedding!"

00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,731

I don't get you.

- This is the closest...

00:03:49,814 --> 00:03:51,625

I've ever gotten to this part

of my father's life.

00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,443

I don't want to blow it.

00:03:53,526 --> 00:03:55,153

Okay, I get it.

I'm cramping your style.

00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:58,114

You say you get it, but

I'm scared you'll keep doing it.

00:03:58,197 --> 00:04:00,116

Look, here's some humans

you can practice on.

00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,118

You must be

Summer's mom and dad.

00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,081

We're Tammy's parents...

Pat and Donna Guterman.

00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,205

Hi. Beth.

This is Jerry.

00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:09,000

So your teenage daughter's

marrying a Birdman.

00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,668

Are you guys down with that?

00:04:10,752 --> 00:04:12,337

[Chuckles]

No pun intended.

00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,130

We're quite proud.

00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,382

He's a wonderful person

and an incredible Bird.

00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:18,259

Still, what is he, 40?

[chuckles]

00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:19,510

It's just, you know,

00:04:19,594 --> 00:04:21,679

when he was 30,

she was an actual child.

00:04:21,763 --> 00:04:23,514

When he was her age,

she wasn't born.

00:04:23,598 --> 00:04:25,558

When he was,

let's see, like, 18,

00:04:25,642 --> 00:04:28,603

she was literally

in there in your womb.

00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,313

Imagine being pregnant

with your daughter

00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:32,166

and a Bird teenager

comes into your home and says,

00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:34,108

"I'll take that.

I'll have sex with that."

00:04:34,192 --> 00:04:35,777

[both chuckle]

Give us one second.

00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,779

Were you born with your feet

in your mouth?

00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:40,615

I was transported here

against my will in a meatball, all right.

00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,117

So take your attitude

to the men's section of KMart,

00:04:43,201 --> 00:04:45,620

'cause you need to cut me

some slack... s.

00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,121

I want you to stand

in the corner

00:04:47,205 --> 00:04:48,724

and face the corner

and talk to nobody.

00:04:48,748 --> 00:04:52,043

Maybe... I... will.

00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,045

You know, you're not being

very supportive

00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,755

of Birdperson on his big day.

00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,049

Birdperson's big day, Morty,

00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:01,469

was at Blood Ridge

on Glapflap's third moon

00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,346

against the Gromflamites!

00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,682

This?

This is a losing battle.

00:05:05,765 --> 00:05:07,684

Geez, Rick,

it's not like he's dying.

00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:09,227

He's getting married!

00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,704

I mean, what do you think's

gonna happen

00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,355

if you open yourself up

a little bit?

00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:13,815

I mean, look around.

00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:16,693

This is your family and friends

all around you, you know?

00:05:16,776 --> 00:05:18,277

Take the day off.

00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:20,321

There's nothing to run from,

nothing to fight.

00:05:20,405 --> 00:05:22,323

[Whistles]

That's his last name.

00:05:22,407 --> 00:05:23,449

Are you hyphenating it?

00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:24,742

Squanch this, mo-Fo.

00:05:24,826 --> 00:05:26,244

[Both laugh]

00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,287

Good one, Morty.

Excuse me, bartender.

00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:30,289

Can you make me

a dumb grandson pep talk?

00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:33,376

It's one part lame advice about

stuff you know nothing about

00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,836

and a lot of vodka.

00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,629

Mm-Hmm.

I have a lot of vodka.

00:05:36,713 --> 00:05:37,547

Then I'll take one of those.

00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,173

I don't need the rest.

00:05:39,257 --> 00:05:41,342

God, whatever, Rick.

00:05:41,426 --> 00:05:43,886

It sounds like you and my dad

have a long history together.

00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:45,555

Wish I could say the same.

00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,557

The road your father and I

walked together

00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,519

is soaked deeply with the blood

of both friends and enemies.

00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,603

Must be nice.

00:05:52,687 --> 00:05:54,647

Um, I used to have to draw him

00:05:54,731 --> 00:05:56,357

into family photos

with a crayon.

00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,860

The war in which we fought

is far from over.

00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,486

We live our lives in hiding.

00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:02,697

I guess I should

be happy for you.

00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:05,324

I mean, great,

you guys got to hang out.

00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:06,868

I hope you had a blast.

00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:09,454

The galactic government

considers us terrorists.

00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,831

It's unwise of me

to share these details,

00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,416

but I've become inebriated.

00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:14,810

I don't know

if you can appreciate

00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:17,003

what it means to grow up

without a father, but...

00:06:17,253 --> 00:06:18,796

The guest list at this wedding

00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,632

includes 17 of the Federation's

most wanted.

00:06:21,716 --> 00:06:23,634

We have committed

numerous atrocities

00:06:23,718 --> 00:06:25,303

in the name of freedom.

00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:26,679

Annnd during that time,

00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:28,490

I don't suppose he

ever mentioned his daughter.

00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,891

Are those baby quiches?

00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,350

Night crawler pate.

00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:33,394

I should prepare

for the ceremony.

00:06:33,478 --> 00:06:35,438

Like talking to a brick wall.

00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:36,856

[Squawking]

00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:38,900

In the name of the squanch,

the six rivers,

00:06:38,983 --> 00:06:40,902

the four squanches,

and the nine balls,

00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:45,281

I unite these two organisms

in eternal squanch!

00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:47,408

Tammy, you may

squanch your vows now.

00:06:47,492 --> 00:06:49,911

Birdperson...

[inhales sharply]

00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:53,915

You are my seed,

my worm, my earliness,

00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,666

and my lack of cats.

00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,169

I promise to be yours

until your death.

00:06:58,252 --> 00:06:59,504

- Nice!

- ALL: Aww!

00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,963

Birdperson.

00:07:01,047 --> 00:07:03,883

Tammy, I was approaching

infertility when I met you,

00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,635

but there is still time.

00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:07,345

I am yours until my death.

00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:08,846

ALL: Aww!

00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:10,765

[Burping]

Aww.

00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:13,810

I now pronounce you

Squanch and Birdperson!

00:07:13,893 --> 00:07:15,978

[Cheers and applause

and profane kissing]

00:07:20,775 --> 00:07:23,653

♪ Girl, you got it going on ♪

00:07:24,946 --> 00:07:27,073

[Children laughing]

00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:29,575

[Monotone]

I am not staring at you.

00:07:29,659 --> 00:07:32,662

I am a cyborg photographer.

Just act natural.

00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,455

This is a candid shot.

00:07:34,539 --> 00:07:36,582

I don't require a camera so...

00:07:36,666 --> 00:07:38,417

Sorry.

00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,378

Hi.

I am not staring at you...

00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:43,339

[screams]

00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:46,092

[Clinking]

00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:47,844

Uh, hi, everybody.

00:07:47,927 --> 00:07:49,595

I'm Ri[burps]ck.

00:07:49,679 --> 00:07:54,600

You know, when I first

met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

00:07:54,684 --> 00:07:56,411

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy

in the universe

00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:57,687

because I'm the smartest.

00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,490

And being nice is something

stupid people do

00:07:59,564 --> 00:08:00,898

to hedge their bets.

00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:02,358

Now, I haven't been

exactly subtle

00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:03,776

about how little

I trust marriage.

00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:05,153

I couldn't make it work,

00:08:05,403 --> 00:08:06,839

and I could turn a black hole

into a sun,

00:08:06,863 --> 00:08:08,823

so at a certain point,

you got to ask yourself

00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,700

what are the odds this is legit

00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:12,511

and not just some big lie

we're all telling ourselves

00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:13,995

because we're afraid

to die alone?

00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:16,831

Because, you know, that's

exactly how we all die... alone.

00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:17,914

- Oh, boy.

- Oh, Dad.

00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:19,000

Jesus.

00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:21,043

But... But...

here's the thing.

00:08:21,127 --> 00:08:23,004

Birdperson is my best friend,

00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:25,840

and if he loves Tammy, well,

then I love Tammy, too.

00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:28,593

[Cheers and applause]

00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:32,388

To friendship, to love, and

to my greatest adventure yet...

00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,724

Opening myself up to others.

00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,267

SUMMER: Hear, hear!

Cheers!

00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,269

Cheers to that, motherfucker!

00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,022

Thank you, Rick.

That was beautiful.

00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:44,400

Gosh, I look around this room,

and I think,

00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,277

"Uh, Tammy,

you're a high-School senior

00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,963

from the planet Earth,

and you're marrying

00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:50,573

a 40-year-old Birdperson?

Like, what?!"

00:08:50,656 --> 00:08:51,574

[laughter]

00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:52,992

Yeah, Tammy!

00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:55,703

But then I think, you know,

in a lot of ways,

00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,706

I'm not a high-School senior

from the planet Earth.

00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,958

In a lot of ways,

what I really am

00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:03,920

is a deep-cover agent

for the Galactic Federation,

00:09:04,003 --> 00:09:06,047

and you guys are

a group of wanted criminals,

00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:09,050

and this entire building is,

in a certain sense, surrounded.

00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,885

- [All murmur]

- Oh, shit.

00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,363

- I... don't get the metaphor.

- I'll explain it to you later.

00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,056

Everyone here is under arrest

00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:16,849

for crimes

against the Federation.

00:09:16,933 --> 00:09:17,934

I 'chaim!

00:09:18,017 --> 00:09:21,229

- Tammy, what are you doing?

- Sit your Bird ass down.

00:09:21,479 --> 00:09:23,314

Tammy?

00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:25,066

[Cawing weakly]

00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:27,735

Birdperson!!

No!!

00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:30,404

[Screaming]

00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:32,949

Holy...

00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,125

[beep]

Drop the portal gun.

00:09:43,209 --> 00:09:45,211

Slide it to

the center of the room.

00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:47,755

[Beeping]

00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,132

Somebody confiscate that

and don't damage it.

00:09:50,216 --> 00:09:51,676

They'll want it at...

00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,469

[whooshing]

00:09:53,552 --> 00:09:55,972

[High-pitched ringing

and muffled background]

00:10:12,488 --> 00:10:14,156

[Sighs, roars]

00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,658

There's no time to squanch!

00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,576

Get your family out of here!

00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,537

I got this.

00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:22,290

[Gulps]

00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:24,834

[Roaring]

00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,128

[Deep voice] How about a taste

of my squanch?!

00:10:27,211 --> 00:10:28,838

[Growling]

00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:32,425

Come on, this way!

00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,218

Squanch this!

00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:39,348

[Engine turns over]

00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,478

Good thing I grabbed

a space weapon.

00:10:44,562 --> 00:10:46,402

RICK: That's a confetti gun,

you fucking idiot!

00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,524

- SUMMER: Dad!

- RICK: Hold on tight!

00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,486

Aaah!!

00:10:56,324 --> 00:10:58,075

Aaaah!!

00:10:58,159 --> 00:11:00,202

[Sirens wailing]

00:11:00,286 --> 00:11:01,954

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!!

00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,046

What the hell happened

back there?!

00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:12,840

This is on you guys.

I told you weddings are stupid.

00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:17,887

Uh, Rick, is there anything

you'd like to tell us

00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:20,014

about your relationship

00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:23,017

with this previously unknown

galactic government?

00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,186

All the important points

seem pretty clear, no?

00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,438

They think they control

the galaxy, I disagree.

00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,440

Don't hate the player,

hate the game, son.

00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,650

How could you be so dishonest

with this family?

00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,861

Oh! Oh, should I have been

more open and trusting

00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,255

and loving like,

oh, I don't know,

00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:38,032

my now dead best friend?

Or your daughter,

00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,659

who is BFFs

with an intergalactic narc?

00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:41,911

Hey, Tammy was cool!

00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,038

- And now we know why.

- Because of you!

00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,956

Fuck you, Summer,

and fuck the government,

00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,833

and fuck me

for letting my guard down,

00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:49,460

which I will never do again.

00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:50,920

Geez, Rick!

00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,672

You can't say f...

"'F' you" to your granddaughter.

00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:56,217

I just did, Morty.

Here's dessert. Fuck you.

00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:57,986

Look, I think we've all had

a tough wedding.

00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,762

Actually,

the wedding was beautiful.

00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:01,045

The reception got out of hand.

00:12:01,097 --> 00:12:03,224

Anyway, I say we go home,

sleep it off,

00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,101

and have a family meeting

in the morning.

00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,228

Yeah, about going home,

we can't... ever.

00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:08,771

ALL:

What?!

00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,207

Oh, these guys are

looking for us now.

00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:11,607

Earth will be swarming

with them.

00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,733

Us?!

00:12:12,817 --> 00:12:14,110

- Jerry...

- I want to go home!

00:12:14,193 --> 00:12:16,338

Look, anyone that wants

to go back to Earth is free to.

00:12:16,362 --> 00:12:18,197

But here's what's gonna happen.

00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,800

Alien bureaucrats are gonna

arrest you.

00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,665

They're gonna put

the intergalactic equivalent

00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,203

of [burps] jumper cables

under your nuts and or labia

00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,038

and hook them up

to an alien car battery

00:12:26,122 --> 00:12:27,623

until you tell them

where I am...

00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,393

Which I guarantee you,

you're not gonna know,

00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:31,377

which I guarantee

they won't believe.

00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,254

So who's homesick?

By applause.

00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,673

- [Sobbing]

- Ladies? Anybody?

00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,509

What are we going to do?

Where are we going to live?

00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,761

Take it easy.

This is a blessing in disguise.

00:12:40,845 --> 00:12:42,221

Fuck Earth.

00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,184

You realize our planet's name

means dirt, right?

00:12:44,223 --> 00:12:45,724

We'll find a new world.

00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,160

Computer, how many planets

in the Milky Way

00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,103

are at least 90% similar

to Earth?

00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:52,731

[Beeping]

FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets.

00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:55,192

How many of those are outside

federal jurisdiction?

00:12:55,276 --> 00:12:57,528

[Beeping]

Three.

00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,738

See?

Our cup runneth over.

00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,031

Now, who wants to go shopping

00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:03,200

for a brand-new

motherfucking world?!

00:13:03,284 --> 00:13:04,368

All right!

00:13:04,452 --> 00:13:06,287

RICK:

Look at this baby!

00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:08,080

Would you even know

that wasn't Earth?

00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:09,999

MORTY: Yes, because

there's no Africa.

00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:12,084

RICK: Pssh. White people

problems, Morty.

00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:14,295

Let's go down and check her out.

00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:16,297

[Thud, water splashing]

00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,090

Oh. I thought

it was further away.

00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:20,676

I uh... I guess this one's

a little small.

00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,136

All right, uh, maybe...

00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,099

Maybe we should go check out

the other two, huh?

00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,269

Okay, this one's bigger.

00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:34,315

This looks nice.

00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,900

Mom, Dad, look!

00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,651

Strawberries on a cob!

00:13:37,735 --> 00:13:38,903

[Munching]

00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,863

Whoa!

Hey, check this out!

00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,615

Flowers on a cob!

[laughs]

00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:45,951

Huh. Strawberries and flowers

on a cob, huh?

00:13:46,035 --> 00:13:47,244

That's pretty cool.

00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:49,830

Are those...

mountains on a cob?

00:13:49,914 --> 00:13:51,749

[Birds cawing]

00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:54,335

RICK: Oh, my god.

00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,466

Get in the ship, sweetie.

- What?

00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:01,800

Get in the goddamn ship!!

00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:03,135

Everything's on a cob!!

00:14:03,219 --> 00:14:05,763

The whole planet's on a cob!!

Go, go, go!!

00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,389

[Engine turns over]

00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,060

[Burps] All right,

third time's the charm.

00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:12,144

See what we got here.

00:14:15,481 --> 00:14:16,982

Seems good.

00:14:17,066 --> 00:14:18,442

And nothing on the cob.

00:14:18,526 --> 00:14:20,277

Didn't know that was

a necessity, but...

00:14:20,361 --> 00:14:22,446

No, it's nice.

I think this might be it.

00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:24,281

Wow!

Hey, look, you guys.

00:14:24,365 --> 00:14:26,116

The sun's rising.

00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,827

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:33,874

Uh, Dad, how long are the days

on this planet?

00:14:33,958 --> 00:14:36,210

Uh, computer, how long

are the days on this planet?

00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:37,419

[Screaming continues]

00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:39,630

42 hours.

00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,757

All right, well,

those are the two choices,

00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,676

'cause cob planet is

off the table.

00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:44,885

Now let's take a vote.

00:14:44,969 --> 00:14:46,554

MAN: Well, it's official.

00:14:46,804 --> 00:14:48,681

The obscure planet

known as Earth,

00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:51,517

formerly the hiding place

of interstellar terrorist

00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,519

and fugitive Rick Sanchez,

00:14:53,769 --> 00:14:56,730

has just become

the 6, 048th planet

00:14:56,814 --> 00:14:58,399

to join the Galactic Federation.

00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,568

The plucky little ball

of water and dirt,

00:15:00,818 --> 00:15:02,319

which is where it gets its name,

00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:06,073

is dominated by seven billion

primate-descended natives

00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:10,119

who love to eat spaghetti

and pray to kangaroos.

00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:12,997

Spaghetti, kangaroos?

I've gotta check this place out.

00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,833

[both laugh]

Well, you can.

00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,085

Contact the Ministry of Tourism

for details.

00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,254

Up next,

teenagers are calling it

00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:22,381

[growls and squeals]

00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,258

And it's not what you think.

00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:25,735

What are you...

What did you do that for?

00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,052

Dramatic effect.

00:15:27,136 --> 00:15:29,680

Good morning, family.

Oh, do I smell bacon?

00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,682

Yes, we discovered

a species of tiny pig

00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,809

off the coast of New Australia

00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:36,061

about 30 yards east.

- Or 300 yards west.

00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:37,438

We'd offer you some,

00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:39,857

but we hunted it to extinction

for breakfast.

00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,692

Well, I thought

I'd walk to the South Pole

00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:43,527

and do a little bit

of exploring.

00:15:43,611 --> 00:15:45,029

If you guys need me, just yell

00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,280

or throw something so hard

00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,003

that it goes around the world

and hits me.

00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,633

[Door shuts]

Okay, now that he's gone,

00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:52,077

can we please talk about

our situation?

00:15:52,161 --> 00:15:54,163

Dad, you can't talk about people

behind their back.

00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:55,581

You know, it's a small world.

00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,166

Please, he's in the South Pole!

00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:59,627

And we need to have

a serious conversation.

00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:01,879

[Insects chirping]

00:16:02,838 --> 00:16:04,840

[Thunder rumbles]

00:16:07,343 --> 00:16:09,928

[Wind howling]

00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,932

South Pole discovered, baby!

00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,768

Ohhhh!

00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:17,728

Oh fuck! An ice cave?

00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,021

Shit!

00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,732

Things just keep on

getting better.

00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,109

Wow, it's the planet's core.

00:16:24,193 --> 00:16:25,736

JERRY: I'm just saying,

00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,905

we keep acting

like there's only two options,

00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,323

but there's not.

00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:31,200

So, yes, if we went

back to Earth,

00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,786

as long as Rick was out there,

they'd wanna interrogate us.

00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:35,996

But, and this is

purely hypothetical,

00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,499

what if we turned your father in

to the government?

00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,750

Jerry, so help me god,

00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,794

if you ever bring this up again,

no more bacon.

00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,420

There already is no more bacon!

00:16:43,504 --> 00:16:45,923

This world sucks!

Our life sucks!

00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:47,758

Why are we doing this

for someone

00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:51,303

that would never do anything

for anyone but himself?

00:16:51,387 --> 00:16:53,055

MORTY:

That's not the point, Dad!

00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,058

We love Rick...

f-for the most part.

00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,286

SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love

people in hopes of a reward,

00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,354

Dad, you love them

unconditionally.

00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:02,398

That's very good, kids.

I'm proud of you.

00:17:02,481 --> 00:17:04,108

Okay, so let me

get this straight.

00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,359

For the rest of your lives,

00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,069

no matter how much it hurts you,

00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,279

no matter how much it

destroys our children's futures,

00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:12,074

we're gonna do whatever

Rick wants, whenever he wants?

00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,951

- ALL: Yes.

- Why?!

00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,620

Because I don't want him to

leave again, you dumb asshole!!

00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,132

Hey. Uh...

00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,551

I was gonna hope over

to the Gloppydrop system,

00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,052

get some ice cream.

00:17:32,136 --> 00:17:33,721

You... You want me

to come with?

00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:36,390

Don't you need my brain waves

for camouflage or something?

00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:38,559

I'll be okay.

Bye, Morty.

00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:40,269

Rick?

00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:42,104

You're not leaving, right?

00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,022

Yeah, I am.

To get ice cream.

00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:45,649

So, you're coming back?

00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,943

Morty, if you go to where

there's a bunch of ice cream

00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,194

and then you don't come back,

00:17:49,278 --> 00:17:50,863

you haven't

actually gotten ice cream,

00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:53,115

you've just gone

where ice cream is.

00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,242

Rick, I can handle it if you go,

00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,161

but you'll break Mom's heart.

00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,871

And I won't forgive you

for that.

00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,248

Where's the van, Morty?

00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:04,168

It's over the horizon

in the driveway.

00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:11,216

[Engine turns over]

00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:20,976

♪ I hurt myself today ♪

00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,478

[Dialing]

00:18:22,561 --> 00:18:24,313

[Woman speaking gibberish]

00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,773

For English, press 2.

00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:27,608

[beep]

Connecting to agent.

00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:29,443

WOMAN:

Ongoing investigations.

00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:32,613

Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith,

I'm from planet Earth.

00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,990

I know the whereabouts

of Rick Sanchez,

00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:36,325

the wanted criminal.

00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:37,618

Hold on!

[ringing]

00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,119

This is Special Agent Gribbles.

00:18:39,203 --> 00:18:40,537

You have a tip

about Rick Sanchez?

00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:42,623

Yeah, he kidnapped me

and my family,

00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,625

and he left us

on Dwarf Terrace-9.

00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,461

He said he was gonna

go to the Plimplom Tavern.

00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,296

And listen.

- Yes?

00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,357

I'm doing what's right

for the galaxy by calling you,

00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,219

so if we come back to Earth, can

my family have a normal life?

00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,888

We only want Sanchez, sir.

Your family will be fine.

00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,473

Nice. Thank you.

00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,183

I'm Jerry Smith,

00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:04,144

and I love sucking big,

sweaty boners

00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:08,440

and licking disgusting

furry testicle sacks.

00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:10,526

Uh... okay.

00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:17,574

♪ What have I become ♪

00:19:17,658 --> 00:19:22,496

♪ My sweetest friend ♪

00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:28,252

♪ Everyone I know ♪

00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:34,508

♪ Goes away in the end ♪

00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:36,218

♪ You could have it all ♪

00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:40,639

- He's not coming back, is he?

- MORTY: No.

00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,933

♪ My empire of dirt ♪

00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:46,019

Hey, look, cops.

00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:52,776

♪ I will let you down ♪

- Good morning.

00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:58,240

♪ I will make you hurt ♪

00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:04,454

How long will you be

visiting Earth?

00:20:04,538 --> 00:20:05,831

Oh, we live here.

00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,208

We were just off-planet

for a wedding.

00:20:08,292 --> 00:20:09,543

Go that way.

00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:30,439

[Tires screech, beeping]

00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,566

I have processed

that you are in in distress

00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:34,735

and have proscribed

antidepressants.

00:20:34,818 --> 00:20:37,279

Compliments of

the Galactic Federation.

00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:38,447

I feel better.

00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,198

Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits.

00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:41,992

Report to

the Ministry of Employment

00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,328

and you will be assigned

a function.

00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:47,789

Honey! I got a job!

00:20:47,873 --> 00:20:50,334

♪ You could have it all ♪

00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:53,879

Sorry, I am not staring at you,

I am taking your mug shot.

00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:59,468

♪ My empire of dirt ♪

00:20:59,551 --> 00:21:05,474

♪ I will let you down ♪

00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:09,853

♪ I will make

you hurt ♪

00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,777

Hey, what are you in for?

00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:19,488

Everything.

00:21:24,493 --> 00:21:26,870

♪♪

00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:57,275

Hoo-Whee,

what a cliffhanger.

00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:58,944

Oh, boy, oh, my!

00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,363

That's a real crazy ending, huh?

00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:04,950

Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole

from episode 204.

00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:06,827

[Groans]

As you can see,

00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:08,829

I'm still recovering

from the bullet shot

00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:10,831

that I got from Beth.

00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,916

Remember that one?

Ooh-Whee!

00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,960

- [Meowing]

- Come and get it, kitty.

00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:17,671

You know, these little fellows

help me get through the day.

00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:18,672

[Gulping]

00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:20,424

Ooh-whee.

00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,426

Oh, whoo-whee!

Feels better.

00:22:22,509 --> 00:22:25,012

[Doorbell rings]

00:22:25,262 --> 00:22:27,264

I got a large pepperoni

and some crazy sticks.

00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:29,766

Hey, what did you think

of that finale, huh?

00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:32,602

Mm! You think the Smith family

is gonna be okay?

00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:34,163

Yeah, I don't know

what you're talking about, bro.

00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,856

Your total is $12.37.

00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:37,917

Whoo-Whee! You think

Rick's gonna get out off jail?

00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,877

Whoo-Whee, you think

the family's gonna rescue him?

00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,501

Hey, what the fuck?!

Get the fuck off me!

00:22:41,528 --> 00:22:43,572

[laughing

and saying "ooh-whee!"]

00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:44,865

Ow!

00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:46,509

Tune in to "Rick and Morty"

season three in,

00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:48,577

like, a year and a half...

00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:52,247

or longer

to see how we unravel this mess.

00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:53,498

Ooh-Whee!

00:22:53,582 --> 00:22:55,000

Oh, my god!

00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:56,501

Did you get any of that?

00:22:56,585 --> 00:22:58,545

It's-a good-a show!

00:00:04,464 --> 00:00:07,133

Jerry, get a job.

00:00:07,217 --> 00:00:08,760

Uh, w-why

don't you get it, Jerry?

00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,429

You're the man of the house,

and you don't have a job.

00:00:13,306 --> 00:00:14,683

Delivery for Rick.

00:00:14,933 --> 00:00:16,351

Morning, Summer, Beth,

and Jerry.

00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:19,062

- Gross. What is that thing?

- It's a courier flap.

00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,539

It's like the intergalactic

version of UPS,

00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:22,065

but less off-putting.

00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:23,358

Oh, shiiit!

00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:25,318

It looks like an egg-vite

from Birdperson.

00:00:25,402 --> 00:00:27,487

Must be time

for his annual Oscar party.

00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:29,256

And, by the way,

our TV signals take light years

00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,448

to reach his planet.

00:00:30,532 --> 00:00:32,367

Nobody tell him

that "Braveheart" wins.

00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,369

Greetings.

This is Birdperson.

00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:35,620

And Tammy!

00:00:35,704 --> 00:00:37,497

Inviting you

to planet Squanch for

00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:39,332

our mate-melding ceremony...

- Blugh!

00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:40,709

Ifyou're from Earth,

00:00:40,959 --> 00:00:42,239

that means

we're getting married!

00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,671

Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's

marrying Birdperson!

00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:46,381

What the hell is a Birdperson?

00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:47,674

He's Rick's best friend.

00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:49,402

Uh, I-let's not

get carried away, Morty.

00:00:49,426 --> 00:00:51,261

Would you like to RSVP

or send a gift?

00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:53,263

No. Weddings are basically

funerals with cake.

00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:55,324

If I wanted to watch someone

throw their life away,

00:00:55,348 --> 00:00:57,183

I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

00:00:57,267 --> 00:00:58,685

Affirmative!

Returning to sender.

00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:00,079

No, hold on, stay,

courier flaps.

00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,813

- Staying!

- Dad, you have a friend...

00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:03,815

that's getting married.

That's a big deal.

00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,692

It's a big deal he has a friend.

00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:08,278

What do you know

about friendship, Jerry?

00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:09,946

Confirmed, shipping Jerry.

00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,948

- Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah!

- Oh, god! Jerry!

00:01:12,031 --> 00:01:13,116

- Dad!

- Dad!

00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:15,201

Where is it taking him?

00:01:15,285 --> 00:01:17,162

I assume planet Squanch...

00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,122

6,000 light years

across the galaxy.

00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,707

Whoa, t-that's...

That's insane!

00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:23,585

Yeah, I know. Now we have

to go to the wedding.

00:01:23,668 --> 00:01:26,254

♪♪

00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:05,960

Rick Sanchez!

00:02:06,044 --> 00:02:07,504

You psycho bag of squanch!

00:02:07,587 --> 00:02:09,005

Hey, what's up, Squanchy?

00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:10,965

- Hey, Squanchy.

- Morty, Summer!

00:02:11,049 --> 00:02:12,634

And you must be Beth.

00:02:12,717 --> 00:02:14,636

Mwah!

Ensquanche!

00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:17,430

Your language has the word

"squanch" in it a lot.

00:02:17,514 --> 00:02:18,949

Doesn't that become

tedious and worn out,

00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,433

like the Smurf thing?

00:02:20,517 --> 00:02:23,478

Beth, Squanchy culture

is more contextual than literal.

00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:26,022

Just say what's in your

squanch and people understand.

00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:27,398

Oh. Okay.

00:02:27,482 --> 00:02:29,943

I squanch my family.

00:02:30,026 --> 00:02:31,653

- Uh...

- What? I do.

00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,364

I squanch my family.

- Stop saying it. Gross.

00:02:34,447 --> 00:02:35,907

Come on in, guys.

00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,742

The guest are having

cocksquanches.

00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,667

Where am I?!

- You're at a wedding.

00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,418

Go change.

00:02:47,502 --> 00:02:50,046

♪ And I'm an alien

with jazz rap style ♪

00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,340

♪ Jazz rapping

for an alien mile ♪

00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:55,093

♪ Fat beats and an alien

smile ♪

00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:58,388

♪ Jazz space phone,

alien dial is my friend ♪

00:02:58,471 --> 00:02:59,990

♪ I got a mouthful of jazz

for your ass ♪

00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:02,767

♪ And I'm gonna keep

jazzing ♪

00:03:02,851 --> 00:03:04,394

Oh, you made it!

00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,354

I wouldn't miss it

for the world!

00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,523

Oh, my god.

I love your ring.

00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:11,484

Thanks. It was

Birdperson's grandmother's.

00:03:11,568 --> 00:03:13,236

She fought a squirrel for it.

00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,529

Birdperson.

00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,531

Rick, I am pleased

you and your family

00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,408

could witness my melding

with Tammy.

00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,076

Our pleasure.

00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:21,595

Yeah, I just hope

you got a pre-meld.

00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,371

- Rick!

- What?! It's just a practical

00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,307

way of making sure that

when she's done with you,

00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:27,083

you can get

one of your balls back.

00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:29,085

- Jesus, Dad.

- He's grumpy from the flight.

00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,087

Ohh, I-I was happy

on the flight.

00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,006

I'm grumpy from the landing.

00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:35,550

Well, I looked

at the guest book.

00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,802

We don't know

a damn person here.

00:03:37,886 --> 00:03:39,971

Hi! Jerry Smith...

Father of the bride's friend.

00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,265

Advertising is my usual game,

but I'm between...

00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:44,100

Jerry, stop networking.

We're in space.

00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:45,852

"Jerry, get a job!

00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,788

Jerry, don't look for a job

at an alien wedding!"

00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,731

I don't get you.

- This is the closest...

00:03:49,814 --> 00:03:51,625

I've ever gotten to this part

of my father's life.

00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,443

I don't want to blow it.

00:03:53,526 --> 00:03:55,153

Okay, I get it.

I'm cramping your style.

00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:58,114

You say you get it, but

I'm scared you'll keep doing it.

00:03:58,197 --> 00:04:00,116

Look, here's some humans

you can practice on.

00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,118

You must be

Summer's mom and dad.

00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,081

We're Tammy's parents...

Pat and Donna Guterman.

00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,205

Hi. Beth.

This is Jerry.

00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:09,000

So your teenage daughter's

marrying a Birdman.

00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,668

Are you guys down with that?

00:04:10,752 --> 00:04:12,337

No pun intended.

00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,130

We're quite proud.

00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,382

He's a wonderful person

and an incredible Bird.

00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:18,259

Still, what is he, 40?

00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:19,510

It's just, you know,

00:04:19,594 --> 00:04:21,679

when he was 30,

she was an actual child.

00:04:21,763 --> 00:04:23,514

When he was her age,

she wasn't born.

00:04:23,598 --> 00:04:25,558

When he was,

let's see, like, 18,

00:04:25,642 --> 00:04:28,603

she was literally

in there in your womb.

00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,313

Imagine being pregnant

with your daughter

00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:32,166

and a Bird teenager

comes into your home and says,

00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:34,108

"I'll take that.

I'll have sex with that."

00:04:34,192 --> 00:04:35,777

Give us one second.

00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,779

Were you born with your feet

in your mouth?

00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:40,615

I was transported here

against my will in a meatball, all right.

00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,117

So take your attitude

to the men's section of KMart,

00:04:43,201 --> 00:04:45,620

'cause you need to cut me

some slack... s.

00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,121

I want you to stand

in the corner

00:04:47,205 --> 00:04:48,724

and face the corner

and talk to nobody.

00:04:48,748 --> 00:04:52,043

Maybe... I... will.

00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,045

You know, you're not being

very supportive

00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,755

of Birdperson on his big day.

00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,049

Birdperson's big day, Morty,

00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:01,469

was at Blood Ridge

on Glapflap's third moon

00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,346

against the Gromflamites!

00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,682

This?

This is a losing battle.

00:05:05,765 --> 00:05:07,684

Geez, Rick,

it's not like he's dying.

00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:09,227

He's getting married!

00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,704

I mean, what do you think's

gonna happen

00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,355

if you open yourself up

a little bit?

00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:13,815

I mean, look around.

00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:16,693

This is your family and friends

all around you, you know?

00:05:16,776 --> 00:05:18,277

Take the day off.

00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:20,321

There's nothing to run from,

nothing to fight.

00:05:20,405 --> 00:05:22,323

That's his last name.

00:05:22,407 --> 00:05:23,449

Are you hyphenating it?

00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:24,742

Squanch this, mo-Fo.

00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,287

Good one, Morty.

Excuse me, bartender.

00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:30,289

Can you make me

a dumb grandson pep talk?

00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:33,376

It's one part lame advice about

stuff you know nothing about

00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,836

and a lot of vodka.

00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,629

Mm-Hmm.

I have a lot of vodka.

00:05:36,713 --> 00:05:37,547

Then I'll take one of those.

00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,173

I don't need the rest.

00:05:39,257 --> 00:05:41,342

God, whatever, Rick.

00:05:41,426 --> 00:05:43,886

It sounds like you and my dad

have a long history together.

00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:45,555

Wish I could say the same.

00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,557

The road your father and I

walked together

00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,519

is soaked deeply with the blood

of both friends and enemies.

00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,603

Must be nice.

00:05:52,687 --> 00:05:54,647

Um, I used to have to draw him

00:05:54,731 --> 00:05:56,357

into family photos

with a crayon.

00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,860

The war in which we fought

is far from over.

00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,486

We live our lives in hiding.

00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:02,697

I guess I should

be happy for you.

00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:05,324

I mean, great,

you guys got to hang out.

00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:06,868

I hope you had a blast.

00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:09,454

The galactic government

considers us terrorists.

00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,831

It's unwise of me

to share these details,

00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,416

but I've become inebriated.

00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:14,810

I don't know

if you can appreciate

00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:17,003

what it means to grow up

without a father, but...

00:06:17,253 --> 00:06:18,796

The guest list at this wedding

00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,632

includes 17 of the Federation's

most wanted.

00:06:21,716 --> 00:06:23,634

We have committed

numerous atrocities

00:06:23,718 --> 00:06:25,303

in the name of freedom.

00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:26,679

Annnd during that time,

00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:28,490

I don't suppose he

ever mentioned his daughter.

00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,891

Are those baby quiches?

00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,350

Night crawler pate.

00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:33,394

I should prepare

for the ceremony.

00:06:33,478 --> 00:06:35,438

Like talking to a brick wall.

00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:38,900

In the name of the squanch,

the six rivers,

00:06:38,983 --> 00:06:40,902

the four squanches,

and the nine balls,

00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:45,281

I unite these two organisms

in eternal squanch!

00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:47,408

Tammy, you may

squanch your vows now.

00:06:47,492 --> 00:06:49,911

Birdperson...

00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:53,915

You are my seed,

my worm, my earliness,

00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,666

and my lack of cats.

00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,169

I promise to be yours

until your death.

00:06:58,252 --> 00:06:59,504

- Nice!

- Aww!

00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,963

Birdperson.

00:07:01,047 --> 00:07:03,883

Tammy, I was approaching

infertility when I met you,

00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,635

but there is still time.

00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:07,345

I am yours until my death.

00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:08,846

Aww!

00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:10,765

Aww.

00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:13,810

I now pronounce you

Squanch and Birdperson!

00:07:20,775 --> 00:07:23,653

♪ Girl, you got it going on ♪

00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:29,575

I am not staring at you.

00:07:29,659 --> 00:07:32,662

I am a cyborg photographer.

Just act natural.

00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,455

This is a candid shot.

00:07:34,539 --> 00:07:36,582

I don't require a camera so...

00:07:36,666 --> 00:07:38,417

Sorry.

00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,378

Hi.

I am not staring at you...

00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:47,844

Uh, hi, everybody.

00:07:47,927 --> 00:07:49,595

I'm Rick.

00:07:49,679 --> 00:07:54,600

You know, when I first

met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

00:07:54,684 --> 00:07:56,411

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy

in the universe

00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:57,687

because I'm the smartest.

00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,490

And being nice is something

stupid people do

00:07:59,564 --> 00:08:00,898

to hedge their bets.

00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:02,358

Now, I haven't been

exactly subtle

00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:03,776

about how little

I trust marriage.

00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:05,153

I couldn't make it work,

00:08:05,403 --> 00:08:06,839

and I could turn a black hole

into a sun,

00:08:06,863 --> 00:08:08,823

so at a certain point,

you got to ask yourself

00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,700

what are the odds this is legit

00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:12,511

and not just some big lie

we're all telling ourselves

00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:13,995

because we're afraid

to die alone?

00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:16,831

Because, you know, that's

exactly how we all die... alone.

00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:17,914

- Oh, boy.

- Oh, Dad.

00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:19,000

Jesus.

00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:21,043

But... But...

here's the thing.

00:08:21,127 --> 00:08:23,004

Birdperson is my best friend,

00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:25,840

and if he loves Tammy, well,

then I love Tammy, too.

00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:32,388

To friendship, to love, and

to my greatest adventure yet...

00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,724

Opening myself up to others.

00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,267

Hear, hear!

Cheers!

00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,269

Cheers to that, motherfucker!

00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,022

Thank you, Rick.

That was beautiful.

00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:44,400

Gosh, I look around this room,

and I think,

00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,277

"Uh, Tammy,

you're a high-School senior

00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,963

from the planet Earth,

and you're marrying

00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:50,573

a 40-year-old Birdperson?

Like, what?!"

00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:52,992

Yeah, Tammy!

00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:55,703

But then I think, you know,

in a lot of ways,

00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,706

I'm not a high-School senior

from the planet Earth.

00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,958

In a lot of ways,

what I really am

00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:03,920

is a deep-cover agent

for the Galactic Federation,

00:09:04,003 --> 00:09:06,047

and you guys are

a group of wanted criminals,

00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:09,050

and this entire building is,

in a certain sense, surrounded.

00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,885

Oh, shit.

00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,363

- I... don't get the metaphor.

- I'll explain it to you later.

00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,056

Everyone here is under arrest

00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:16,849

for crimes

against the Federation.

00:09:16,933 --> 00:09:17,934

I 'chaim!

00:09:18,017 --> 00:09:21,229

- Tammy, what are you doing?

- Sit your Bird ass down.

00:09:21,479 --> 00:09:23,314

Tammy?

00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:27,735

Birdperson!!

No!!

00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:32,949

Holy...

00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,125

Drop the portal gun.

00:09:43,209 --> 00:09:45,211

Slide it to

the center of the room.

00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,132

Somebody confiscate that

and don't damage it.

00:09:50,216 --> 00:09:51,676

They'll want it at...

00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,658

There's no time to squanch!

00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,576

Get your family out of here!

00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,537

I got this.

00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,128

How about a taste

of my squanch?!

00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:32,425

Come on, this way!

00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,218

Squanch this!

00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,478

Good thing I grabbed

a space weapon.

00:10:44,562 --> 00:10:46,402

That's a confetti gun,

you fucking idiot!

00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,524

- Dad!

- Hold on tight!

00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,486

Aaah!!

00:10:56,324 --> 00:10:58,075

Aaaah!!

00:11:00,286 --> 00:11:01,954

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!!

00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,046

What the hell happened

back there?!

00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:12,840

This is on you guys.

I told you weddings are stupid.

00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:17,887

Uh, Rick, is there anything

you'd like to tell us

00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:20,014

about your relationship

00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:23,017

with this previously unknown

galactic government?

00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,186

All the important points

seem pretty clear, no?

00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,438

They think they control

the galaxy, I disagree.

00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,440

Don't hate the player,

hate the game, son.

00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,650

How could you be so dishonest

with this family?

00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,861

Oh! Oh, should I have been

more open and trusting

00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,255

and loving like,

oh, I don't know,

00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:38,032

my now dead best friend?

Or your daughter,

00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,659

who is BFFs

with an intergalactic narc?

00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:41,911

Hey, Tammy was cool!

00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,038

- And now we know why.

- Because of you!

00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,956

Fuck you, Summer,

and fuck the government,

00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,833

and fuck me

for letting my guard down,

00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:49,460

which I will never do again.

00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:50,920

Geez, Rick!

00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,672

You can't say f...

"'F' you" to your granddaughter.

00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:56,217

I just did, Morty.

Here's dessert. Fuck you.

00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:57,986

Look, I think we've all had

a tough wedding.

00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,762

Actually,

the wedding was beautiful.

00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:01,045

The reception got out of hand.

00:12:01,097 --> 00:12:03,224

Anyway, I say we go home,

sleep it off,

00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,101

and have a family meeting

in the morning.

00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,228

Yeah, about going home,

we can't... ever.

00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:08,771

What?!

00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,207

Oh, these guys are

looking for us now.

00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:11,607

Earth will be swarming

with them.

00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,733

Us?!

00:12:12,817 --> 00:12:14,110

- Jerry...

- I want to go home!

00:12:14,193 --> 00:12:16,338

Look, anyone that wants

to go back to Earth is free to.

00:12:16,362 --> 00:12:18,197

But here's what's gonna happen.

00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,800

Alien bureaucrats are gonna

arrest you.

00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,665

They're gonna put

the intergalactic equivalent

00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,203

of jumper cables

under your nuts and or labia

00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,038

and hook them up

to an alien car battery

00:12:26,122 --> 00:12:27,623

until you tell them

where I am...

00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,393

Which I guarantee you,

you're not gonna know,

00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:31,377

which I guarantee

they won't believe.

00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,254

So who's homesick?

By applause.

00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,673

Ladies? Anybody?

00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,509

What are we going to do?

Where are we going to live?

00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,761

Take it easy.

This is a blessing in disguise.

00:12:40,845 --> 00:12:42,221

Fuck Earth.

00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,184

You realize our planet's name

means dirt, right?

00:12:44,223 --> 00:12:45,724

We'll find a new world.

00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,160

Computer, how many planets

in the Milky Way

00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,103

are at least 90% similar

to Earth?

00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:52,731

765 known planets.

00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:55,192

How many of those are outside

federal jurisdiction?

00:12:55,276 --> 00:12:57,528

Three.

00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,738

See?

Our cup runneth over.

00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,031

Now, who wants to go shopping

00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:03,200

for a brand-new

motherfucking world?!

00:13:03,284 --> 00:13:04,368

All right!

00:13:04,452 --> 00:13:06,287

Look at this baby!

00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:08,080

Would you even know

that wasn't Earth?

00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:09,999

Yes, because

there's no Africa.

00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:12,084

Pssh. White people

problems, Morty.

00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:14,295

Let's go down and check her out.

00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,090

Oh. I thought

it was further away.

00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:20,676

I uh... I guess this one's

a little small.

00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,136

All right, uh, maybe...

00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,099

Maybe we should go check out

the other two, huh?

00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,269

Okay, this one's bigger.

00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:34,315

This looks nice.

00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,900

Mom, Dad, look!

00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,651

Strawberries on a cob!

00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,863

Whoa!

Hey, check this out!

00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,615

Flowers on a cob!

00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:45,951

Huh. Strawberries and flowers

on a cob, huh?

00:13:46,035 --> 00:13:47,244

That's pretty cool.

00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:49,830

Are those...

mountains on a cob?

00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:54,335

Oh, my god.

00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,466

Get in the ship, sweetie.

- What?

00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:01,800

Get in the goddamn ship!!

00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:03,135

Everything's on a cob!!

00:14:03,219 --> 00:14:05,763

The whole planet's on a cob!!

Go, go, go!!

00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,060

All right,

third time's the charm.

00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:12,144

See what we got here.

00:14:15,481 --> 00:14:16,982

Seems good.

00:14:17,066 --> 00:14:18,442

And nothing on the cob.

00:14:18,526 --> 00:14:20,277

Didn't know that was

a necessity, but...

00:14:20,361 --> 00:14:22,446

No, it's nice.

I think this might be it.

00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:24,281

Wow!

Hey, look, you guys.

00:14:24,365 --> 00:14:26,116

The sun's rising.

00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,827

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:33,874

Uh, Dad, how long are the days

on this planet?

00:14:33,958 --> 00:14:36,210

Uh, computer, how long

are the days on this planet?

00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:39,630

42 hours.

00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,757

All right, well,

those are the two choices,

00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,676

'cause cob planet is

off the table.

00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:44,885

Now let's take a vote.

00:14:44,969 --> 00:14:46,554

Well, it's official.

00:14:46,804 --> 00:14:48,681

The obscure planet

known as Earth,

00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:51,517

formerly the hiding place

of interstellar terrorist

00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,519

and fugitive Rick Sanchez,

00:14:53,769 --> 00:14:56,730

has just become

the 6, 048th planet

00:14:56,814 --> 00:14:58,399

to join the Galactic Federation.

00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,568

The plucky little ball

of water and dirt,

00:15:00,818 --> 00:15:02,319

which is where it gets its name,

00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:06,073

is dominated by seven billion

primate-descended natives

00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:10,119

who love to eat spaghetti

and pray to kangaroos.

00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:12,997

Spaghetti, kangaroos?

I've gotta check this place out.

00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,833

Well, you can.

00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,085

Contact the Ministry of Tourism

for details.

00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,254

Up next,

teenagers are calling it

00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,258

And it's not what you think.

00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:25,735

What are you...

What did you do that for?

00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,052

Dramatic effect.

00:15:27,136 --> 00:15:29,680

Good morning, family.

Oh, do I smell bacon?

00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,682

Yes, we discovered

a species of tiny pig

00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,809

off the coast of New Australia

00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:36,061

about 30 yards east.

- Or 300 yards west.

00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:37,438

We'd offer you some,

00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:39,857

but we hunted it to extinction

for breakfast.

00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,692

Well, I thought

I'd walk to the South Pole

00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:43,527

and do a little bit

of exploring.

00:15:43,611 --> 00:15:45,029

If you guys need me, just yell

00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,280

or throw something so hard

00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,003

that it goes around the world

and hits me.

00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,633

Okay, now that he's gone,

00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:52,077

can we please talk about

our situation?

00:15:52,161 --> 00:15:54,163

Dad, you can't talk about people

behind their back.

00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:55,581

You know, it's a small world.

00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,166

Please, he's in the South Pole!

00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:59,627

And we need to have

a serious conversation.

00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,932

South Pole discovered, baby!

00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,768

Ohhhh!

00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:17,728

Oh fuck! An ice cave?

00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,021

Shit!

00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,732

Things just keep on

getting better.

00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,109

Wow, it's the planet's core.

00:16:24,193 --> 00:16:25,736

I'm just saying,

00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,905

we keep acting

like there's only two options,

00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,323

but there's not.

00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:31,200

So, yes, if we went

back to Earth,

00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,786

as long as Rick was out there,

they'd wanna interrogate us.

00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:35,996

But, and this is

purely hypothetical,

00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,499

what if we turned your father in

to the government?

00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,750

Jerry, so help me god,

00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,794

if you ever bring this up again,

no more bacon.

00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,420

There already is no more bacon!

00:16:43,504 --> 00:16:45,923

This world sucks!

Our life sucks!

00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:47,758

Why are we doing this

for someone

00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:51,303

that would never do anything

for anyone but himself?

00:16:51,387 --> 00:16:53,055

That's not the point, Dad!

00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,058

We love Rick...

f-for the most part.

00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,286

Yeah, you don't love

people in hopes of a reward,

00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,354

Dad, you love them

unconditionally.

00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:02,398

That's very good, kids.

I'm proud of you.

00:17:02,481 --> 00:17:04,108

Okay, so let me

get this straight.

00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,359

For the rest of your lives,

00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,069

no matter how much it hurts you,

00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,279

no matter how much it

destroys our children's futures,

00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:12,074

we're gonna do whatever

Rick wants, whenever he wants?

00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,951

- Yes.

- Why?!

00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,620

Because I don't want him to

leave again, you dumb asshole!!

00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,132

Hey. Uh...

00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,551

I was gonna hope over

to the Gloppydrop system,

00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,052

get some ice cream.

00:17:32,136 --> 00:17:33,721

You... You want me

to come with?

00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:36,390

Don't you need my brain waves

for camouflage or something?

00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:38,559

I'll be okay.

Bye, Morty.

00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:40,269

Rick?

00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:42,104

You're not leaving, right?

00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,022

Yeah, I am.

To get ice cream.

00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:45,649

So, you're coming back?

00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,943

Morty, if you go to where

there's a bunch of ice cream

00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,194

and then you don't come back,

00:17:49,278 --> 00:17:50,863

you haven't

actually gotten ice cream,

00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:53,115

you've just gone

where ice cream is.

00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,242

Rick, I can handle it if you go,

00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,161

but you'll break Mom's heart.

00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,871

And I won't forgive you

for that.

00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,248

Where's the van, Morty?

00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:04,168

It's over the horizon

in the driveway.

00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:20,976

♪ I hurt myself today ♪

00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,773

For English, press 2.

00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:27,608

Connecting to agent.

00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:29,443

Ongoing investigations.

00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:32,613

Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith,

I'm from planet Earth.

00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,990

I know the whereabouts

of Rick Sanchez,

00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:36,325

the wanted criminal.

00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:37,618

Hold on!

00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,119

This is Special Agent Gribbles.

00:18:39,203 --> 00:18:40,537

You have a tip

about Rick Sanchez?

00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:42,623

Yeah, he kidnapped me

and my family,

00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,625

and he left us

on Dwarf Terrace-9.

00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,461

He said he was gonna

go to the Plimplom Tavern.

00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,296

And listen.

- Yes?

00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,357

I'm doing what's right

for the galaxy by calling you,

00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,219

so if we come back to Earth, can

my family have a normal life?

00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,888

We only want Sanchez, sir.

Your family will be fine.

00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,473

Nice. Thank you.

00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,183

I'm Jerry Smith,

00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:04,144

and I love sucking big,

sweaty boners

00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:08,440

and licking disgusting

furry testicle sacks.

00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:10,526

Uh... okay.

00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:17,574

♪ What have I become ♪

00:19:17,658 --> 00:19:22,496

♪ My sweetest friend ♪

00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:28,252

♪ Everyone I know ♪

00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:34,508

♪ Goes away in the end ♪

00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:36,218

♪ You could have it all ♪

00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:40,639

- He's not coming back, is he?

- No.

00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,933

♪ My empire of dirt ♪

00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:46,019

Hey, look, cops.

00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:52,776

♪ I will let you down ♪

- Good morning.

00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:58,240

♪ I will make you hurt ♪

00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:04,454

How long will you be

visiting Earth?

00:20:04,538 --> 00:20:05,831

Oh, we live here.

00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,208

We were just off-planet

for a wedding.

00:20:08,292 --> 00:20:09,543

Go that way.

00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,566

I have processed

that you are in in distress

00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:34,735

and have proscribed

antidepressants.

00:20:34,818 --> 00:20:37,279

Compliments of

the Galactic Federation.

00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:38,447

I feel better.

00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,198

Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits.

00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:41,992

Report to

the Ministry of Employment

00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,328

and you will be assigned

a function.

00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:47,789

Honey! I got a job!

00:20:47,873 --> 00:20:50,334

♪ You could have it all ♪

00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:53,879

Sorry, I am not staring at you,

I am taking your mug shot.

00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:59,468

♪ My empire of dirt ♪

00:20:59,551 --> 00:21:05,474

♪ I will let you down ♪

00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:09,853

♪ I will make

you hurt ♪

00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,777

Hey, what are you in for?

00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:19,488

Everything.

00:21:24,493 --> 00:21:26,870

♪♪

00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:57,275

Hoo-Whee,

what a cliffhanger.

00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:58,944

Oh, boy, oh, my!

00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,363

That's a real crazy ending, huh?

00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:04,950

Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole

from episode 204.

00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:06,827

As you can see,

00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:08,829

I'm still recovering

from the bullet shot

00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:10,831

that I got from Beth.

00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,916

Remember that one?

Ooh-Whee!

00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,960

Come and get it, kitty.

00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:17,671

You know, these little fellows

help me get through the day.

00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:20,424

Ooh-whee.

00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,426

Oh, whoo-whee!

Feels better.

00:22:25,262 --> 00:22:27,264

I got a large pepperoni

and some crazy sticks.

00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:29,766

Hey, what did you think

of that finale, huh?

00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:32,602

Mm! You think the Smith family

is gonna be okay?

00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:34,163

Yeah, I don't know

what you're talking about, bro.

00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,856

Your total is $12.37.

00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:37,917

Whoo-Whee! You think

Rick's gonna get out off jail?

00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,877

Whoo-Whee, you think

the family's gonna rescue him?

00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,501

Hey, what the fuck?!

Get the fuck off me!

00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:44,865

Ow!

00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:46,509

Tune in to "Rick and Morty"

season three in,

00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:48,577

like, a year and a half...

00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:52,247

or longer

to see how we unravel this mess.

00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:53,498

Ooh-Whee!

00:22:53,582 --> 00:22:55,000

Oh, my god!

00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:56,501

Did you get any of that?

00:22:56,585 --> 00:22:58,545

It's-a good-a show!

00:00:04,470 --> 00:00:05,620

Джерри, найди работу.

00:00:07,150 --> 00:00:08,769

Э, п-почему бы

тебе не открыть, Джерри?

00:00:08,770 --> 00:00:10,670

Ты тут главный и безработный.

00:00:13,170 --> 00:00:14,200

Доставка для Рика.

00:00:14,250 --> 00:00:15,800

Доброе утро, Саммер, Бетт

и Джерри.

00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,300

Отвратительно. Что это?

00:00:17,370 --> 00:00:18,300

Это - складка-курьер.

00:00:18,350 --> 00:00:20,150

Это как межгалактическая

версия UPS,

00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:21,550

но менее ленивая.

00:00:21,650 --> 00:00:22,970

О, чёёрт!

00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,719

Похоже на яйцо-приглашение

от птицечеловека.

00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,950

Должно быть пришло время

его ежегодной Оскар-вечеринки.

00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,070

А, кстати,

наши TV сигналы идут до него

00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:29,900

световые годы.

00:00:29,950 --> 00:00:32,430

Никто не рассказываете ему,

что фильм "Храброе сердце" победил.

00:00:32,650 --> 00:00:34,370

Приветствую.

Это птицечеловек.

00:00:34,420 --> 00:00:35,450

И Тэмми!

00:00:35,550 --> 00:00:37,169

Приглашаем вас на планету сквонч

00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:39,049

на нашу церемонию

бракообъявления...

00:00:39,050 --> 00:00:40,070

Если вы с Земли,

00:00:39,050 --> 00:00:40,050

Аа!

00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,600

Это значит,

что мы вступаем в брак!

00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:42,500

О, Боже мой!

00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:44,470

Моя подруга Тэмми

выходит за муж за птицечеловека!

00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,100

Что за чертовщина этот птицечеловек?

00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:47,219

Он лучший друг Рика.

00:00:47,220 --> 00:00:48,869

Ээ, д-давай не

будем преувеличивать, Морти.

00:00:48,870 --> 00:00:50,849

Не хотите ли вы ответить на приглашение

или отправить подарок?

00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:53,099

Нет. Свадьбы - это попросту

похороны с тортом.

00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:54,950

Если бы я хотел посмотреть на кого-нибудь

прожигающего жизнь,

00:00:54,970 --> 00:00:56,669

я бы просто ошивался с Джерри весь день.

00:00:56,670 --> 00:00:58,026

Подтверждено!

Возвращаю к отправителю.

00:00:58,050 --> 00:00:59,719

Нет, подожди, постой, складка-курьер.

00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:00,170

Остаюсь!

00:01:00,370 --> 00:01:02,370

Папа, у тебя женится друг.

00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,350

Это - большое дело.

00:01:03,420 --> 00:01:05,420

Большое дело,

что у него есть друг.

00:01:05,450 --> 00:01:07,920

Что ты знаешь о приятелях,

Джерри?

00:01:07,950 --> 00:01:09,370

Подтверждено, принять Джерри.

00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:10,550

Воу, подожди! Аа!

00:01:10,550 --> 00:01:11,320

О, Боже! Джерри!

00:01:11,370 --> 00:01:12,370

- Папа!

- Папа!

00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:14,500

Куда оно его везёт?

00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,250

Я предполагаю, на планету сквонч...

00:01:16,470 --> 00:01:18,470

6000 световых лет

через галактику.

00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,319

Воу, э-это...

это безумно!

00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,739

Да, я знаю. Теперь нам придётся

пойти на свадьбу.

00:01:22,740 --> 00:01:25,440

♪

00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:54,960

Перевод - savask, стили и тайминг -

alexeymil0, английские субтитры - kalkar

00:02:04,470 --> 00:02:06,120

Рик Сэнчез!

00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,000

Ах, ты психованный мешок сквонча!

00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:08,870

Эй, как дела, сквончи?

00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:09,550

- Эй, сквончи.

- Эй, сквончи.

00:02:09,553 --> 00:02:12,470

Морти, Саммер!

А Вы, должно быть, Бетт.

00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,120

Енсквончи!

00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:17,550

В Вашем языке слово

"сквонч" часто используется.

00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,369

Не становится ли это

утомительным и избившимся,

00:02:19,370 --> 00:02:20,370

как "смурфы"?

00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,450

Бетт, культура сквончи

больше контекстная, чем буквальная.

00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:26,076

Ты просто вкладываешь, что хочешь

в свой сквонч, и люди понимают.

00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:27,420

О. Ладно.

00:02:27,470 --> 00:02:30,120

Я сквончу мою семью.

00:02:30,270 --> 00:02:30,800

Эм...

00:02:30,801 --> 00:02:31,820

Эм.. Что, это так.

00:02:31,850 --> 00:02:32,720

Я сквончу мою семью.

00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,470

Хватит говорить это. Отвратительно.

00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:35,950

Ладно вам, парни.

00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,620

Гости пьют коксквончи.

00:02:43,870 --> 00:02:44,800

Где я?!

00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:45,800

На свадьбе.

00:02:45,850 --> 00:02:46,850

Переоденься.

00:02:47,220 --> 00:02:49,320

♪ Я пришелец

с джазовым рэпом ♪

00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:52,300

♪ Джазово рэпую

для пришельской мили ♪

00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,900

♪ Жирный бит и пришельская улыбка ♪

00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:57,870

♪ Джазовый космический телефон,

пришельский номер друга ♪

00:02:58,450 --> 00:03:00,920

♪ У меня полный рот джаза

на твою задницу ♪

00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,850

♪ И я буду джазовать ♪

00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,420

О, ты приехала!

00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:05,970

Ну, конечно же!

00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:08,720

О, Боже мой. Мне нравится твоё кольцо.

00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:11,570

Спасибо. Это

бабушки птицечеловека.

00:03:11,620 --> 00:03:13,300

Она билась с белкой за него.

00:03:13,670 --> 00:03:14,550

Птицечеловек.

00:03:14,650 --> 00:03:17,069

Рик, я рад, что ты и твоя семья

00:03:17,070 --> 00:03:19,119

смогли засвидетельствовать мой

брак с Тэмми.

00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,050

Мы очень рады.

00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:22,000

Да, надеюсь у вас был добрак.

00:03:22,070 --> 00:03:22,770

Рик!

00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:22,770

Что?!

00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,476

Это просто практический способ

удостовериться,

00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:25,500

что когда она покончит с тобой,

00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,150

ты сможешь вернуть

хотя бы одно яичко.

00:03:27,170 --> 00:03:27,970

Боже, пап.

00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,450

Он раздражительный после полёта.

00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:31,270

Оо, я-я был счастлив

во время полёта.

00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:32,770

Я раздражительный после посадки.

00:03:34,550 --> 00:03:35,950

Ну, я взглянул

на гостевую книгу.

00:03:36,020 --> 00:03:37,750

Мы тут не знаем

ни одного чёртова человека.

00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:40,400

Привет! Джерри Смит...

отец подруги невесты.

00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:42,750

Реклама - моя обычная деятельность,

но я в перерыве...

00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,800

Джерри, хватит подлизываться.

Мы в космосе.

00:03:44,870 --> 00:03:46,020

"Джерри, найди работу!"

00:03:46,050 --> 00:03:48,219

"Джерри, не ищи работу

на пришельской свадьбе!"

00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:49,020

Я тебя не понимаю.

00:03:49,021 --> 00:03:50,576

Это самое близкое,

к чему я когда либо добиралась

00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,050

в жизни моего отца.

00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:53,170

Я не хочу это испортить.

00:03:53,270 --> 00:03:55,349

Ладно, понял.

Я всё порчу тебе.

00:03:55,350 --> 00:03:57,910

Ты говоришь, что понял, но

я боюсь, что ты продолжишь делать это.

00:03:57,950 --> 00:04:00,146

Смотри, вот люди,

на которых ты можешь попрактиковаться.

00:04:00,170 --> 00:04:01,770

Вы, должно быть,

отец с матерью Саммер.

00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:04,219

Мы - родители Тэмми...

Пэт и Донна Гутерман.

00:04:04,220 --> 00:04:05,220

Привет. Бетт.

00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:06,370

Это - Джерри.

00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:09,450

То есть ваша дочь-подросток

выходит замуж за птицечеловека.

00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:10,820

А вы за это?

00:04:11,270 --> 00:04:12,270

Ха-ха. Без шуток.

00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:13,200

Мы очень гордимся.

00:04:13,210 --> 00:04:16,420

Он замечательный человек

и удивительная птица.

00:04:16,470 --> 00:04:18,470

Всё же, сколько ему, 40?

Хех.

00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:19,620

Просто, знаете,

00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:21,969

когда ему было 30,

она была ребёнком.

00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,926

Когда ему было сколько ей сейчас,

она ещё не родилась.

00:04:23,950 --> 00:04:26,170

Когда ему было, допустим, 18,

00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:28,950

она была буквально

там, в Вашей матке.

00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,626

Представьте, что вы беременны

вашей дочерью,

00:04:30,650 --> 00:04:32,500

а птицетинейджер

заходит к вам домой и говорит:

00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,450

"Я заберу это.

Я буду заниматься с этим сексом."

00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:35,719

Ха-ха.

Дайте нам пару секунд.

00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,919

Ты родился таким вредным?

00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,420

Я был перемещён сюда против воли

00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:40,869

во фрикадельке, да?

00:04:40,870 --> 00:04:43,400

Так что забери своё отношение

в мужскую секцию kmart-а,

00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:46,000

потому, что тебе нужно подшить мне

брю..ки.

00:04:46,070 --> 00:04:47,400

Я хочу, что бы ты встал в угол,

00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:48,860

смотрел в угол

и ни с кем не говорил.

00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:51,170

Может... я... так и сделаю.

00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:54,420

Знаешь, ты не очень добр

00:04:54,470 --> 00:04:55,870

к птицечеловеку в его большой день.

00:04:55,900 --> 00:04:58,370

Большим днём птицечеловека, Морти,

00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,720

был день битвы за хребет

на третей луне Глапфлапа

00:05:01,770 --> 00:05:03,200

против громфламитов!

00:05:03,620 --> 00:05:06,000

Это? Это проигрышная битва.

00:05:06,150 --> 00:05:07,820

Боже, Рик, он не умирает.

00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,120

Он женится!

00:05:09,270 --> 00:05:10,819

То есть, что по твоему

произойдёт,

00:05:10,820 --> 00:05:12,370

если ты немного откроешься?

00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:13,700

То есть, оглянись.

00:05:13,850 --> 00:05:16,920

Вокруг тебя твоя семья и друзья, да?

00:05:16,970 --> 00:05:17,970

Возьми выходной.

00:05:18,150 --> 00:05:20,370

Нет от чего убегать,

не с чем бороться.

00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,619

Это его фамилия.

00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:23,669

Через дефис?

00:05:23,670 --> 00:05:25,200

К сквончу это, сучара.

00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,370

Неплохо, Морти.

Извините, бармен.

00:05:28,420 --> 00:05:30,369

Вы можете сделать мне

поучение от тупого внука?

00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:33,569

Это одна часть лажовых советов

о том, что ты не знаешь,

00:05:33,570 --> 00:05:35,050

и много водки.

00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:36,620

Мммм, у меня есть много водки.

00:05:36,650 --> 00:05:37,670

Тогда я возьму её.

00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:38,920

Остальное мне не нужно.

00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:40,320

Боже, как хочешь, Рик.

00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:42,970

О, похоже, что Вы и мой отец

00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,200

многое пережили вместе.

00:05:44,350 --> 00:05:45,600

Жаль, я не могу сказать так же.

00:05:45,650 --> 00:05:47,900

Дорога, по которой Ваш отец и я

прошли вместе

00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:51,850

глубоко пропитана кровью

и друзей, и врагов.

00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:52,570

Должно быть здорово.

00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,120

Эм, я раньше пририсовывала его

00:05:55,170 --> 00:05:56,396

к нашим семейным фото

карандашами.

00:05:56,420 --> 00:05:58,900

Война, в которой мы сражались

далека от завершения.

00:05:58,950 --> 00:06:00,570

Мы живём скрываясь.

00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:02,800

Думаю, я должна

быть счастлива за вас.

00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:05,400

То есть, здорово,

что вы, парни, отрывались.

00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:06,950

Надеюсь вы там зажгли.

00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,640

Галактическое правительство

расценивает нас в качестве террористов.

00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,100

С моей стороны неблагоразумно

делиться этими подробностями,

00:06:12,150 --> 00:06:13,620

но я опьянён.

00:06:13,650 --> 00:06:15,050

Не знаю, можете ли ВЫ понять,

00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,270

что такое расти без отца, но...

00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:18,860

Список гостей на свадьбу

00:06:18,861 --> 00:06:21,550

включает 17 особо разыскиваемых

федерацией.

00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,969

Мы совершали

многочисленные злодеяния

00:06:23,970 --> 00:06:25,099

во имя свободы.

00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:26,820

Иии в это время,

00:06:26,850 --> 00:06:28,700

я не думаю,

он когда-либо упоминал о своей дочери.

00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:30,076

Это - крохотные заварные пирожные?

00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,200

Пирожки с ночным змеем.

00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:33,100

Мне нужно готовиться

к церемонии.

00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:35,370

Как со стеной разговариваю.

00:06:36,820 --> 00:06:39,099

Во имя сквонча, шести рек,

00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:41,170

четырёх сквончев и девяти шаров,

00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:45,120

я объединяю эти два организма

в вечный сквонч!

00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,420

Тэмми, можешь

засквончить свою клятву.

00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:48,750

Птицечеловек...

00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:54,019

Ты - мое зерно,

мой червяк, моя скороспелость

00:06:54,020 --> 00:06:55,300

и моё отсутствие котов.

00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,250

Я обещаю быть твоей,

пока ты не умрёшь.

00:06:58,470 --> 00:06:59,470

- Оуу!

- Здорово!

00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:00,500

Птицечеловек.

00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:03,920

Тэмми, я приближался к

бесплодию, когда я тебя встретил,

00:07:04,070 --> 00:07:05,300

но ещё есть время.

00:07:05,850 --> 00:07:07,220

Я твой, до моей смерти.

00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:08,720

Оуу!

00:07:08,721 --> 00:07:09,780

Оу.

00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,820

Объявляю вас,

сквончем и птицечеловеком!

00:07:20,770 --> 00:07:23,800

♪ Детка, ты - бомба ♪

00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:29,800

Я не пялюсь на Вас.

00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:32,750

Я - киборг-фотограф.

Просто ведите себя как обычно.

00:07:32,770 --> 00:07:34,220

Это репортажное фото.

00:07:34,250 --> 00:07:36,450

Мне не нужна камера, так что...

00:07:36,970 --> 00:07:37,970

Извините.

00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,120

Привет. Я не пялюсь на вас.

00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:47,970

Ээ, привет всем.

00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,150

Я - Рик.

00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,930

Знаете, когда я впервые встретил

птицечеловека, он был, ээ-ээ...

00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,782

m -8 -1 b -76 -613 -520 b -119417816

b 121616152015 b 211421122211 b

00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,723

Э, привет, все. Я

- Рик. Знаете, когда я впервые

00:07:52,735 --> 00:07:54,426

встретил птице-человека, он был

(оборвать речь) (смять) (экспромт)

00:07:52,794 --> 00:07:54,240

229227225 b 22221021 -3 b 24 -426 -429 -5 b 29 -1028 -

1628 -21 b 28 -2227 -2427 -25 b 15 -242 -22 -10 -21

00:07:54,450 --> 00:07:56,500

Слушайте, я не самый приятный

парень во вселенной,

00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:57,900

потому, что я самый умный.

00:07:57,950 --> 00:07:59,626

А быть приятным - это то,

что делают тупые люди,

00:07:59,650 --> 00:08:00,650

чтобы подстраховаться.

00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,419

Теперь, я не особо скрывал,

00:08:02,420 --> 00:08:03,969

то, как слабо я доверяю браку.

00:08:03,970 --> 00:08:05,169

У меня не получилось

заставить это работать,

00:08:05,170 --> 00:08:06,770

а я могу обратить чёрную дыру

в звезду,

00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,020

так что в какой-то момент

задаёшься вопросом,

00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:10,569

каковы шансы, что это работает,

00:08:10,570 --> 00:08:12,646

а не является каким-нибудь большим обманом,

который мы повторяем себе

00:08:12,670 --> 00:08:14,076

потому, что боимся

умереть в одиночестве?

00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:17,100

Ведь, знаете,

это именно то,

как мы умираем - в одиночестве.

00:08:17,250 --> 00:08:18,270

- О, Боже.

- О, пап.

00:08:18,271 --> 00:08:18,670

Господи.

00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:20,950

Но.. но.. вот какое дело.

00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,970

Птицечеловек - мой лучший друг,

00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:25,950

и если он любит Тэмми, ну,

я тогда тоже люблю Тэмми.

00:08:28,620 --> 00:08:32,250

За дружбу, за любовь и

за моё наибольшее пока приключение...

00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:34,200

- открыться перед другими.

00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,050

Слышите, слышите! Ура!

00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,200

Ура этому, сучара.

00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:39,550

Спасибо тебе, Рик.

00:08:39,570 --> 00:08:40,720

Это было прекрасно.

00:08:41,570 --> 00:08:44,319

Боже, я смотрю на эту комнату

и думаю:

00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,570

"Э, Тэмми,

ты - старшеклассница

00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,120

с планеты Земля,

и ты выходишь за муж

00:08:48,150 --> 00:08:50,470

за 40-летнего птицечеловека?

Типа, что?!"

00:08:51,870 --> 00:08:53,069

Да, Тэмми!

00:08:53,070 --> 00:08:55,870

Но потом я думаю, знаете,

во многом,

00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:58,300

я не старшеклассница

с планеты Земля.

00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:01,200

Во многом,

я по настоящему -

00:09:01,270 --> 00:09:03,869

агент галактической федерации

под прикрытием,

00:09:03,870 --> 00:09:05,970

а вы, парни,

- группа разыскиваемых преступников,

00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,170

и всё это здание,

в некотором смысле, окружено.

00:09:10,170 --> 00:09:11,020

О, Боже.

00:09:11,070 --> 00:09:12,170

Я... я не понимаю метафору.

00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,319

Я потом тебе объясню.

00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,100

Все здесь арестованы

00:09:15,150 --> 00:09:16,850

за преступления

против федерации.

00:09:16,950 --> 00:09:17,850

За жизнь!

00:09:17,970 --> 00:09:19,170

Тэмми, что ты делаешь?

00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,300

Прижал свою птичью задницу.

00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:22,350

Тэмми?

00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:26,270

Птицечеловек!!

00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:27,360

Нет!!

00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:32,800

Боже...

00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,120

Брось портальную пушку.

00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:45,370

Отбрось её в центр комнаты.

00:09:47,870 --> 00:09:50,469

Кто-нибудь, конфискуйте это

и не повредите.

00:09:50,470 --> 00:09:51,470

Они хотят всё...

00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:13,620

Ээ.

00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,800

Нет времени сквончить!

00:10:15,870 --> 00:10:17,470

Уводи свою семью от сюда!

00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:18,520

У меня есть это.

00:10:25,070 --> 00:10:27,200

Как на счёт попробовать

моего сквонча?!

00:10:30,950 --> 00:10:32,250

Идём, сюда!

00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:33,950

Сквончи это!

00:10:42,570 --> 00:10:44,520

Хорошо, что я прихватил

космическую пушку.

00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:46,819

Это хлопушка, ты тупой идиот!

00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:47,220

Папа!

00:10:47,221 --> 00:10:48,250

Держитесь!

00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,110

Ааа!

00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,480

Аааа!

00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,770

Боже! Боже!

00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:10,000

Что за чертовщина

там произошла?!

00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:12,560

Это из-за вас,

я говорил, что свадьбы тупые.

00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:19,000

Э, Рик, есть ли что-нибудь,

что ты бы хотел сообщить нам

00:11:19,020 --> 00:11:20,450

о своих взаимоотношениях

00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:23,450

с доселе неизвестным

галактическим правительством?

00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:25,550

Всё главное довольно ясно, нет?

00:11:25,570 --> 00:11:28,050

Они думают, что управляют

галактикой, я не согласен.

00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:29,826

Я не ненавижу игрока,

мне не нравится игра, сынок.

00:11:29,850 --> 00:11:32,319

Как ты мог быть настолько нечестным

со своей семьёй?

00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,350

Оу! Оу, мне стоило быть

более открытым, доверчивым

00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:35,979

и любящим, как, о, не знаю,

00:11:35,980 --> 00:11:38,550

мой теперь мёртвый лучший друг?

Или твоя дочь,

00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,070

которая "лучший друг навсегда"

с межгалактической ФСБшницей?

00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,370

Эй, Тэмми была клёвой!

00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,300

И теперь мы знаем почему.

00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,320

Из-за тебя!

00:11:44,350 --> 00:11:46,470

К чёрту тебя, Саммер,

и к чёрту правительство.

00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,250

И к чёрту меня за то,

что снизил бдительность,

00:11:48,270 --> 00:11:50,020

чего я никогда больше не допущу.

00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,150

Боже, Рик!

00:11:51,220 --> 00:11:53,920

Ты не можешь посылать

свою внучку.

00:11:53,970 --> 00:11:56,619

Я только что это сделал, Морти.

А вот десерт - пошёл ты,

00:11:56,620 --> 00:11:58,196

Послушай, у нас у всех была

суровая свадьба.

00:11:58,220 --> 00:11:59,920

На самом деле,

свадьба была прекрасной.

00:11:59,950 --> 00:12:01,350

Приём вышел из под контроля.

00:12:01,370 --> 00:12:03,850

Как бы то ни было, давайте пойдём домой,

выспимся,

00:12:03,870 --> 00:12:05,450

а потом устроим семейное собрание

утром.

00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:08,110

Да, на счёт поездки домой,

мы не сможем этого сделать... никогда.

00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,120

Что?!

00:12:09,121 --> 00:12:10,600

О, эти парни теперь ищут нас.

00:12:10,650 --> 00:12:12,200

Земля будет роиться ими.

00:12:12,250 --> 00:12:12,770

Мы?!

00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:13,320

Джерри...

00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,070

Я хочу домой!

00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:15,700

Смотрите, все, кто хочет

вернуться на Землю,

00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:16,900

может вернуться на Землю.

00:12:16,950 --> 00:12:18,069

Но вот, что произойдёт.

00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:20,020

Инопланетные бюрократы

арестуют вас.

00:12:20,050 --> 00:12:21,970

Они засунут

межгалактический эквивалент

00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,469

кабелей-крокодилов

под ваши яйца или вагину

00:12:24,470 --> 00:12:26,519

и подключат их

к инопланетному аккумулятору

00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:27,800

пока вы не скажете им, где я...

00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:29,620

Что, я вам гарантирую,

вы не будете знать,

00:12:29,650 --> 00:12:31,670

чему, я гарантирую это,

они не поверят.

00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:33,970

Так кто скучает по дому? Похлопайте.

00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:35,770

Женщины? Кто-нибудь?

00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,370

Что мы будем делать?

00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:38,750

Где мы будем жить?

00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,319

Не кипишуй.

Это скрытый дар.

00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:42,370

К чёрту Землю.

00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,496

Ты понимаешь, что имя нашей планеты

означает "грязь", верно?

00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:45,650

Мы найдём другой мир.

00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:47,620

Компьютер, сколько планет во млечном пути

00:12:47,650 --> 00:12:49,550

по крайней мере на 90% схожих

с Землёй?

00:12:50,250 --> 00:12:52,950

765 известных планет.

00:12:53,070 --> 00:12:55,370

Сколько из них не под

юрисдикцией федерации?

00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:57,770

Три.

00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,169

Видите? У нас даже больше, чем нужно.

00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,350

Так, что хочет пойти за

00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,650

новеньким сучим мирком?!

00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:04,720

Да!

00:13:05,420 --> 00:13:06,800

Посмотрите на эту малютку!

00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,350

Вы вообще бы поняли,

что это не Земля?

00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,350

Да, потому, что тут нет Африки.

00:13:10,420 --> 00:13:12,450

Пфф. Проблемы белых,

Морти.

00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,770

Давайте спустимся и заценим.

00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:18,120

О, я думал она была дальше.

00:13:18,450 --> 00:13:20,750

Я, ээ.. Я думаю, она

немного маленькая.

00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:22,469

Ладно, ээ, может...

00:13:22,470 --> 00:13:24,200

Может нам стоит проверить

другие две, а?

00:13:29,050 --> 00:13:30,700

Ладно, эта больше.

00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:34,750

Выглядит неплохо.

00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,020

Мама, папа, смотрите!

00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,770

Малина на початке!

00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:41,070

Оу! Эй, зацените это!

00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:43,020

Цветы на початке! Ха-ха!

00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:46,320

Ха. Малина и цветы

на початке, а?

00:13:46,350 --> 00:13:47,400

Это довольно клёво.

00:13:47,470 --> 00:13:50,070

Это...

горы на початке?

00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:53,750

О, Боже мой.

00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:00,970

Забирайтесь в корабль, родные.

00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:00,970

Что?

00:14:01,030 --> 00:14:02,250

Забирайтесь в грёбанный корабль!!

00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:03,520

Тут всё на початках!!

00:14:03,550 --> 00:14:06,000

Вся планета - на початке!!

Пошли, пошли, пошли!!

00:14:08,970 --> 00:14:11,350

Ладно, Бог троицу любит.

00:14:11,420 --> 00:14:12,420

Посмотрим, что тут у нас.

00:14:16,180 --> 00:14:17,180

Выглядит неплохо.

00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:18,700

И ничего на початках.

00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:20,420

Не знал, что это

необходимость, но...

00:14:20,470 --> 00:14:22,800

Нет, это нормально.

Я думаю, это оно.

00:14:22,870 --> 00:14:24,620

Вау! Эй, смотрите, люди.

00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:25,770

Солнце встаёт.

00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:31,720

Ааааааааа!!

00:14:31,770 --> 00:14:34,490

Э, пап, как долго длятся дни

на этой планете?

00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:36,830

Э, компьютер, как долго

длятся дни на этой планете?

00:14:37,370 --> 00:14:39,100

42 часа.

00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:42,050

Ладно, ну, это два варианта,

00:14:42,070 --> 00:14:43,970

ведь планете початков

даже не рассматривается.

00:14:44,020 --> 00:14:45,020

Давайте проголосуем.

00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,750

Ну, это официально.

00:14:46,950 --> 00:14:49,100

Неприметная планета,

известная как Земля,

00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,070

прежде убежище

межзвёздного террориста

00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,750

и беглеца - Рика Сэнчеза,

00:14:53,820 --> 00:14:57,250

только что стала

6048-ой планетой,

00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:58,796

присоединившейся

к галактической федерации.

00:14:58,820 --> 00:15:01,050

Отважный маленький шар

воды и грязи,

00:15:01,060 --> 00:15:02,600

откуда, кстати, и происходит

его имя,

00:15:02,790 --> 00:15:06,250

находится под властвованием семи миллиардов

потомков приматов,

00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,870

которые любят есть спагетти

и молиться на кенгуру.

00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:12,050

Спагетти, кенгуру?

00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:13,769

Мне нужно посетить это место.

00:15:13,770 --> 00:15:14,869

Ха-ха!

00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,000

Ну, ты можешь.

00:15:16,070 --> 00:15:18,226

Свяжитесь с министерством туризма,

чтобы узнать подробности.

00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,500

Дальше, подростки называют это:

00:15:20,780 --> 00:15:22,619

[*№@%]

00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,750

И это не то, о чём вы подумали.

00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,420

Что ты..

Зачем ты это сделала?

00:15:26,450 --> 00:15:27,530

Для драматического эффекта.

00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:28,870

Доброго утра, семья.

00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:30,026

О, я чувствую запах бекона?

00:15:30,050 --> 00:15:32,350

Да, мы обнаружили

вид маленьких свиней

00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,900

за побережьем новой Австралии,

00:15:33,950 --> 00:15:35,019

примерно 30 ярдов на восток.

00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,500

Или 300 ярдов на запад.

00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:37,600

Мы бы тебе предложили,

00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:40,120

но мы истребили их для завтрака.

00:15:40,150 --> 00:15:42,200

Ну, я думал,

что мы пройдёмся до южного полюса

00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:43,669

и немного поисследуем.

00:15:43,670 --> 00:15:45,250

Если я буду вам нужен, просто крикните,

00:15:45,350 --> 00:15:46,626

или бросьте что-нибудь настолько сильно,

00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:48,330

что оно облетит вокруг света

и ударит меня.

00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:49,870

Ладно, раз он ушёл,

00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,300

можем ли мы поговорить

о нашей ситуации?

00:15:52,350 --> 00:15:54,600

Пап, ты не можешь разговаривать о людях

за их спиной.

00:15:54,650 --> 00:15:55,820

Знаешь, мир тесен.

00:15:55,850 --> 00:15:57,600

Ради Бога, он на южном полюсе!

00:15:57,670 --> 00:15:59,920

А нам нужно серьёзно поговорить.

00:16:11,950 --> 00:16:14,070

Южный полюс открыт, детка!

00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:15,650

Оуууу!

00:16:15,870 --> 00:16:18,150

О, грёбанная ледяная пещера?

00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,400

Чёрт.

00:16:19,570 --> 00:16:21,550

Всё становится только лучше.

00:16:22,770 --> 00:16:24,520

Вау, ядро планеты.

00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:25,900

Я просто говорю,

00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:28,169

что мы действуем,

будто есть только два варианта,

00:16:28,170 --> 00:16:29,170

но это не так.

00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,270

Так что, да, если бы мы

вернулись на Землю,

00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,550

пока Рик был там,

00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,970

они бы хотели допросить нас.

00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,200

Но, чисто гипотетически,

00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,650

что если мы бы сдали твоего отца

государству?

00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,020

Джерри, помоги мне Господь,

00:16:40,050 --> 00:16:42,176

если ты ещё раз подымешь эту тему,

останешься без бекона.

00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,800

И так уже нет бекона!

00:16:43,850 --> 00:16:45,000

Этот мир - отстой!

00:16:45,050 --> 00:16:46,100

Наша жизнь - отстой!

00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,200

Почему мы делаем это

для кого-то,

00:16:48,250 --> 00:16:51,750

кто никогда бы не сделал что-нибудь

для кого-то, кроме себя?

00:16:51,820 --> 00:16:53,250

Не в этом дело, папа!

00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:56,320

Мы любим Рика...

В-в основном.

00:16:56,370 --> 00:16:58,650

Да, ты не любишь людей

в ожидании награды,

00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,600

папа, ты любишь их безвозмездно.

00:17:00,670 --> 00:17:03,079

Очень хорошо, дети.

Я горжусь вами.

00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,469

Ладно, давайте проясним.

00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:05,750

До конца жизни,

00:17:05,770 --> 00:17:07,100

не важно

как сильно это ранит вас,

00:17:07,150 --> 00:17:09,749

не важно как сильно

это разрушает будущее наших детей,

00:17:09,750 --> 00:17:12,749

мы будем делать всё,

что захочет Рик, всё что угодно?

00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:13,200

Да.

00:17:13,350 --> 00:17:13,970

Почему?!

00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,570

Потому, что я не хочу, чтобы

он опять ушёл, ты тупой пень!!

00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,220

Эй. Ээ...

00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:31,070

Я хотел отправиться

в систему глоппидроп

00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:32,170

за мороженым.

00:17:32,171 --> 00:17:33,419

Ты... ты хочешь, чтобы

я пошёл с тобой?

00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,450

То есть,

тебе не нужны мои мозговые волны

00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:36,826

для камуфляжа или что-нибудь в этом духе?

00:17:36,850 --> 00:17:37,850

Я справлюсь.

00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:38,970

Пока, Морти.

00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,320

Рик?

00:17:40,670 --> 00:17:42,350

Ты не уходишь, верно?

00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,320

Да, ухожу. За мороженым.

00:17:44,450 --> 00:17:45,600

Так, ты вернёшься?

00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:48,119

Морти, если ты идёшь туда,

где куча мороженого,

00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,150

а потом не возвращаешься,

00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,019

значит ты

на самом деле не взял мороженого,

00:17:51,020 --> 00:17:52,820

а просто пришёл туда,

где оно есть.

00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:55,800

Рик, я справлюсь,

если ты уйдёшь,

00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:57,200

но ты разобьёшь сердце матери.

00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,020

И я не прощу тебя за это.

00:17:59,970 --> 00:18:01,200

Где фургон, Морти?

00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,220

За горизонтом, на дороге.

00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:21,590

♪ Я ранил себя сегодня ♪

00:18:23,090 --> 00:18:24,889

@$%^

00:18:24,890 --> 00:18:26,250

Для английского, нажмите 2.

00:18:26,390 --> 00:18:27,920

Подсоединяю к агенту.

00:18:28,230 --> 00:18:29,700

Текущие расследования.

00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:32,820

Э, привет, меня зовут Джерри Смит,

я с планеты Земля.

00:18:33,170 --> 00:18:35,300

Я знаю местоположения

Рика Сэнчеза,

00:18:35,350 --> 00:18:36,520

разыскиваемого преступника.

00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,550

Подождите!

00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,250

Это специальный агент Грибблс.

00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:40,720

У вас есть зацепка

о Рике Сэнчезе?

00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,070

Да, он взял в заложники меня и

мою семью

00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,820

и оставил нас

на Гномей Насыпи-9.

00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,620

Он сказал, что собирался пойти

в таверну плимплом.

00:18:47,850 --> 00:18:48,400

И слушайте.

00:18:48,570 --> 00:18:49,270

Да?

00:18:49,450 --> 00:18:51,570

Я делаю правое

для галактики дело, звоня вам,

00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,200

так что если я вернусь на Землю,

будет ли моя семья жить нормально?

00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,170

Нам нужен только Сэнчез, сэр.

Ваша семья будет в порядке.

00:18:58,320 --> 00:18:59,650

Хорошо. Спасибо.

00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:04,000

Я - Джерри Смит,

и я люблю сосать большие, потные

00:19:04,070 --> 00:19:08,450

*&и, и лизать

отвратительные мохнатые мошонки.

00:19:08,970 --> 00:19:10,570

Э... Ладно.

00:19:11,670 --> 00:19:15,970

♪ Чем я стал, ♪

00:19:18,470 --> 00:19:21,970

♪ Мой лучший друг ♪

00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,620

♪ Все, кого я знаю ♪

00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:33,650

♪ Уходят под конец ♪

00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:40,250

♪ У тебя могло всё быть ♪

00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,200

Он не вернётся, да ведь?

00:19:38,570 --> 00:19:39,770

Нет.

00:19:41,750 --> 00:19:43,499

♪ Моя империя из грязи ♪

00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:45,300

Эй, смотрите, копы.

00:19:47,850 --> 00:19:49,569

♪ Я разочарую тебя ♪

00:19:49,570 --> 00:19:50,850

Доброе утро.

00:19:53,850 --> 00:19:58,200

♪ Я сделаю тебе больно ♪

00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,720

Длительность вашего

визита на Землю?

00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:06,300

О, мы тут живём.

00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:08,420

Мы просто были вне планеты

во время свадьбы.

00:20:08,450 --> 00:20:09,450

Идите туда.

00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:32,720

Я просканировала,

что вы истощены

00:20:32,750 --> 00:20:34,670

и выписала антидепрессанты.

00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:36,720

Предоставлено

галактической федерацией.

00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:38,800

Мне лучше.

00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:40,620

Ваш долг - 7000 условных единиц.

00:20:40,650 --> 00:20:42,370

Обратитесь

в министерство занятости

00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,900

и вам дадут работу.

00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:47,070

Дорогая! Я получил работу!

00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,949

♪ У тебя могло быть всё ♪

00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:54,520

Извините, я не пялюсь

на вас, я просто фотографирую.

00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:58,470

♪ Моя империя из грязи ♪

00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:04,700

♪ Я разочарую тебя ♪

00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:10,560

♪ Я сделаю тебе больно ♪

00:21:15,470 --> 00:21:16,970

Эй, за что ты тут?

00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:18,400

За всё.

00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:27,570

♪

00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,700

Ой-вей, что за неожиданная концовка.

00:21:57,770 --> 00:21:59,250

О, Боже, о!

00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:01,819

Это просто безумная концовка, а?

00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:05,120

Привет, я мистер Говнючок

из эпизода 2-04.

00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,000

Ух. Как вы видите,

00:22:07,050 --> 00:22:09,319

я всё ещё отхожу,

от того выстрела

00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:10,720

от Бетт.

00:22:10,770 --> 00:22:12,950

Помните его? Ой-вей!

00:22:13,420 --> 00:22:14,520

Иди и возьми, котейка.

00:22:15,170 --> 00:22:17,700

Знаете, эти маленькие товарищи

помогают мне пережить день.

00:22:18,900 --> 00:22:19,900

Ой-вей.

00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,800

Ой-уу-вей! Намного лучше.

00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:27,900

У меня большой пепперони

и безумные палочки.

00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,070

Эй, а что ты думаешь,

об этом финале, а?

00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,549

Мм! По твоему с семьёй Смит

всё будет в порядке?

00:22:33,550 --> 00:22:34,696

Мда, я не знаю,

о чем ты говоришь, бро.

00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:35,900

С тебя $12.37.

00:22:35,950 --> 00:22:38,100

Ой-вей! Как думаешь, Рик

выберется из тюрьмы?

00:22:38,150 --> 00:22:40,550

Ой-вей, как думаешь,

семья спасёт его?

00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,300

Эй, что за фигня?!

Слезь на*** с меня!

00:22:42,350 --> 00:22:43,550

Ха! Ой-вей!

00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:44,070

Ау!

00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:46,380

Возвращайтесь к "Рику и Морти"

в третьем сезоне,

00:22:46,420 --> 00:22:48,100

через, примерно, год с половиной...

00:22:48,750 --> 00:22:51,850

Или дольше, чтобы увидеть, как

мы распутаем этот беспорядок.

00:22:52,150 --> 00:22:53,220

Ой-вей!

00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,299

О, Боже м...!

00:22:55,300 --> 00:22:56,809

Ты что-нибудь понял?

00:22:56,810 --> 00:22:58,810

Это хорошее шоу!