Межвселенское кабельное 2: Искушение судьбы

00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:06,341

Don't worry about Jerry.

He's gonna be fine.

00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,593

You hear me, Jerry?

You're gonna be fine.

00:00:08,677 --> 00:00:10,261

- Whoa!

- Ooh, watch out for that stuff.

00:00:10,345 --> 00:00:11,930

It'll stain

if it gets on your clothes,

00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,598

and it'll send you

into a murderous rage

00:00:13,682 --> 00:00:15,266

if it gets

in your eyes or mouth.

00:00:15,350 --> 00:00:16,935

Why would you keep

mutant bacteria

00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,603

in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

00:00:18,687 --> 00:00:20,164

I know this isn't the time,

but, you know,

00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:21,582

technically, the second freezer

drawer is mine.

00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:22,917

- Not anymore.

- You're overreacting!

00:00:22,941 --> 00:00:24,293

We're losing him.

- All right, fine.

00:00:24,317 --> 00:00:25,586

But you're

not touching my crisper.

00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,195

- Is he going to die?

- Don't worry.

00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:29,280

Dr. Glip Glop

is the best in the galaxy.

00:00:29,364 --> 00:00:31,199

Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop.

00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,993

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,370

- [Roars]

- Aah!

00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,914

[Sizzling]

- What?

00:00:37,997 --> 00:00:40,351

Every hospital claims to have

the best doctor in the galaxy.

00:00:40,375 --> 00:00:42,085

It's like those pizza places

00:00:42,168 --> 00:00:43,896

that claim to have

the best pizza in the world.

00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,606

What do you think,

they have pizza contests?

00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:47,110

Have you ever been

to a pizza contest?

00:00:47,173 --> 00:00:48,842

- Go in the waiting room, Dad.

- Fine!

00:00:48,925 --> 00:00:50,969

Excuse me.

00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,554

Coming through.

What are you here for?

00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:53,656

Just kidding.

I don't care.

00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:54,681

♪♪

00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,308

Well, this won't do.

00:00:57,392 --> 00:00:59,686

- Hey, what are you doing?

- A sequel.

00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,188

- I don't understand.

- Yeah, me, neither.

00:01:02,272 --> 00:01:04,399

We pretty much nailed it

the first time.

00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,693

♪ Bounce that ass,

drop it down to the floor ♪

00:01:06,943 --> 00:01:08,862

♪ Freak that nigga

'til his shit get sore ♪

00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:11,489

♪ Bounce that ass

drop it down to the floor ♪

00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:13,213

♪ Shake that shit

'til you can't no more ♪

00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,492

♪ Biatch! ♪

00:01:14,576 --> 00:01:16,411

[Electricity crackling]

00:01:18,747 --> 00:01:20,665

[Channels clicking]

00:01:20,749 --> 00:01:22,834

Ooh! Ooh!

00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,502

Ow!

00:01:24,586 --> 00:01:27,672

"Man vs. Car,"

the newest hit show,

00:01:27,756 --> 00:01:31,050

- Where it pits a man...

- Yeah!

00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,594

- ...versus a car.

[horn honks]

00:01:32,677 --> 00:01:34,429

On tonight's episode,

00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,514

Michael Jenkins fights

a regular old car.

00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,433

Here we go.

00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:40,268

Oh, he's pushing

his way through.

00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,603

He's trying to fight that car,

00:01:41,686 --> 00:01:43,354

but the car seems to have

the upper hand.

00:01:43,438 --> 00:01:45,982

Oh, he's got a little bit

of pushback there.

00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:48,318

Oh, no.

He just got ran over...

00:01:48,401 --> 00:01:50,445

and chewed up by the tires.

00:01:50,528 --> 00:01:53,448

I guess that's another one

for the cars.

00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:54,866

[laughs]

00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,327

I mean,

wouldn't the cars always win?

00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:58,787

♪♪

00:01:59,037 --> 00:02:02,373

Samantha, I need to know

that you understand

00:02:02,457 --> 00:02:05,627

that I have a couple

of eyeholes.

00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,629

I do. I do understand

about your eyeholes.

00:02:07,712 --> 00:02:10,298

Here, look at my eyeholes.

00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:14,302

Oh, my god.

You have eight eye ho... holes.

00:02:14,385 --> 00:02:15,720

[Chuckles]

00:02:15,804 --> 00:02:17,722

Ohh, I'm looking through

your eyeholes.

00:02:17,806 --> 00:02:19,724

Yes, look through my eyeholes.

00:02:19,808 --> 00:02:21,976

[Moaning]

00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:28,024

I'm the Eyehole... Man.

00:02:28,107 --> 00:02:32,445

I'm the only one that's

allowed to have Eyeholes.

00:02:32,529 --> 00:02:35,907

Get up on out of here

with my Eyeholes.

00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,909

ANNOUNCER: Eyeholes.

Get them today.

00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:39,619

RICK: You gotta be

careful, Morty.

00:02:39,702 --> 00:02:41,514

If that guy catches you

with a box of his Eyeholes,

00:02:41,538 --> 00:02:43,122

he comes bursting in

through a window

00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,926

and just starts

kicking the shit out of you.

00:02:45,041 --> 00:02:46,459

But it's worth the risk.

00:02:46,543 --> 00:02:48,187

They melt in your mouth, Morty.

They're delicious.

00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:50,105

Dad, I can't believe

you're explaining alien cereal.

00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,566

- We're worried about Jerry.

- Well, you're 39 years too late,

00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,384

or, you know, however old he is.

00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:55,969

Is he... Is he 50?

00:02:56,052 --> 00:02:57,846

Jesus Christ, Beth,

is... Is Jerry 50?

00:02:58,096 --> 00:03:00,473

Where am I?

00:03:00,557 --> 00:03:03,852

Relax, Mr. Smith.

You're in an alien hospital.

00:03:04,102 --> 00:03:05,687

I mean, to you,

it's an alien hospital.

00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,355

To me,

you're just in a hospital.

00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:08,749

There's another matter

we need to discuss with you.

00:03:08,773 --> 00:03:09,774

Okay.

00:03:09,858 --> 00:03:11,609

An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles,

00:03:11,693 --> 00:03:14,362

the galaxy's most influential

civil rights leader,

00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:16,739

was brought to this hospital's

emergency room,

00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:19,075

where he is currently fighting

for his life.

00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:20,201

My god.

00:03:20,285 --> 00:03:24,080

Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles'

life can be saved

00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:27,959

if we replace

his heart with your human penis.

00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,502

I see.

Wait, what?

00:03:29,586 --> 00:03:31,379

It's perfect.

00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,964

The configuration of veins,

00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,425

the ratio of thickness

to elasticity,

00:03:35,508 --> 00:03:37,719

the delicate asymmetry

of what you call your balls,

00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:40,597

and with relatively

few adjustments,

00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,266

your genitals can be molded

into a functioning heart

00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:46,144

for the most important man

in the universe.

00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,062

- Yeah, but... I mean...

- Oh, forget it!

00:03:48,146 --> 00:03:50,023

I told you this was

a waste of time!

00:03:50,106 --> 00:03:51,608

Have respect, Yarp.

00:03:51,691 --> 00:03:53,610

The Earth man's world

is tiny and undeveloped.

00:03:53,693 --> 00:03:55,862

He knows nothing

of the genocides of Clorgon

00:03:56,112 --> 00:04:00,742

or the tragic events

of 65.3432.23/14.

00:04:00,825 --> 00:04:04,662

ALIEN: And even if he did,

he wouldn't comprehend them.

00:04:04,746 --> 00:04:06,873

I've dwelt among the humans.

00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:10,919

Their entire culture

is built around their penises.

00:04:11,169 --> 00:04:13,046

It's funny to say

they are small.

00:04:13,129 --> 00:04:15,381

It's funny to say they are big.

00:04:15,465 --> 00:04:16,883

I've been at parties

00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:21,054

where humans have held

bottles, pencils, thermoses

00:04:21,137 --> 00:04:23,765

in front of themselves

and called out,

00:04:23,848 --> 00:04:27,644

"Hey, look at me.

I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick.

00:04:27,727 --> 00:04:30,438

I've got such-and-such

for a penis."

00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,941

I never saw it fail

to get a laugh.

00:04:33,191 --> 00:04:34,484

All right!

That's enough!

00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,235

You guys are talking

about my species.

00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:39,238

We understand genocide.

We do it sometimes.

00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:40,907

Then you would give your penis

00:04:41,157 --> 00:04:42,551

so that Shrimply Pibbles

might live?

00:04:42,575 --> 00:04:44,494

- Stop asking!

- Yes, I will!

00:04:44,577 --> 00:04:46,162

That's right, assholes.

00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:47,705

Take my penis.

Take it all!

00:04:47,789 --> 00:04:49,040

And tell Shrimply Pibbles

00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,376

that when the galaxy

came calling,

00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,670

Jerry Smith from Earth

didn't flinch!

00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:57,090

[laughs]

00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:58,800

Hey, w-what's wrong,

Morty?

00:04:58,883 --> 00:05:00,402

Oh, you're worried

about your dad, huh?

00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,636

Huh?

Oh, no, no, no.

00:05:01,719 --> 00:05:03,346

I'm just...

I'm just looking

00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,348

at that lady over there

getting coffee.

00:05:05,431 --> 00:05:06,641

What's up with her face?

00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:09,060

Is she human,

or is she like Worf?

00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,478

You know, Worf from "Star Trek,"

00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:12,814

how he has all that shit

all over his face,

00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:15,066

but he's just a human

in a costume, you know?

00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:16,789

Morty, uh, let's see

what else is on, huh?

00:05:16,818 --> 00:05:18,111

Okay.

00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:20,113

And now we're back

to "How Did I Get Here?"

00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:22,907

the only show

that makes you ask yourself,

00:05:22,991 --> 00:05:24,867

"How did I get here?"

00:05:24,951 --> 00:05:25,994

[chuckles]

00:05:26,244 --> 00:05:27,912

Here's our first person.

00:05:27,996 --> 00:05:29,998

Oh. Oh, my god.

00:05:30,248 --> 00:05:31,916

How did I get here?

00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,668

Hello?!

00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:35,628

How did I get here?!

Somebody, help me, please!

00:05:35,712 --> 00:05:37,672

HOST: [laughs]

All right!

00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:40,174

Holy crap! Look, it's that lady

with the shit on her face

00:05:40,258 --> 00:05:42,844

like Worf from "Star Trek"

that was getting coffee!

00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:44,595

How did she get there?!

00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:46,431

Oh, my god, Morty,

how did she get there?

00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,683

How did she get there?

[laughs]

00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:51,519

Is that something

we should be concerned about?

00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:53,813

Just stay away

from the coffee machine.

00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:56,357

MAN: Calling all

Jan Michael Vincents.

00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,484

Calling all

Jan Michael Vincents.

00:05:58,568 --> 00:05:59,861

ANNOUNCER: In a world

00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:01,624

where there's eight

Jan Michael Vincents...

00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:03,698

MAN: We need one

Jan Michael Vincent

00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:04,782

to Quadrant "C."

00:06:04,866 --> 00:06:06,146

We need two Jan Michael Vincents

00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,493

to Quadrant "E."

00:06:07,577 --> 00:06:09,412

...and 16 Quadrants,

00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,998

There's only enough time

for a Jan Michael Vincent

00:06:12,248 --> 00:06:13,750

to make it to a quadrant.

00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:16,335

He can't be at two quadrants

at once.

00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,713

Hey, Rick, who...

Who is Jan Michael Vincent?

00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,715

Oh, man, I'm trying to

remember, Morty.

00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:23,718

Jan Michael Vincents

are used up.

00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:27,138

I need a goddamn

Jan Michael Vincent.

00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:30,266

Is it important that we know

who Jan Michael Vincent was...

00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:31,809

- In order to get this?

- Nope.

00:06:31,893 --> 00:06:34,687

I refuse to send the legislation

that allows more

00:06:34,771 --> 00:06:38,066

than eight Jan Michael Vincents

to a precinct.

00:06:38,316 --> 00:06:40,234

This Jan-Uary,

00:06:40,318 --> 00:06:43,613

it's time to Michael down

your Vincents.

00:06:43,696 --> 00:06:47,366

"Jan Quadrant Vincent 16."

00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:48,534

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

00:06:48,618 --> 00:06:49,911

That's Jan Michaels.

00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:51,754

Excuse me, nurse,

can you take my temperature

00:06:51,788 --> 00:06:53,206

because I think I have

00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:55,750

Jan Quadrant Vincent fever

over here.

00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,919

All right, Morty!

You've done it.

00:06:58,002 --> 00:07:00,421

So, we'll be detaching

your sexual organ at the base

00:07:00,505 --> 00:07:03,341

by making incisions

here, here, and here.

00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:04,467

Got it.

00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:06,260

Leaving a partial length

of severed urethra

00:07:06,344 --> 00:07:08,179

- To be threaded through...

- [laughs]

00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:11,015

Oh, you know what, I gotta...

I gotta laugh at myself here.

00:07:11,099 --> 00:07:12,809

I'm having a little laugh

at myself

00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,602

because I just realized

I haven't run

00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,229

this whole decision

past my wife.

00:07:16,312 --> 00:07:18,439

Oh. Do you think

she'll be okay with this?

00:07:18,523 --> 00:07:19,774

Oh, absolutely.

00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,776

Beth's automatically

on board always

00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,903

with every decision I make.

00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,404

Hey, I'm Stealy.

00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:28,074

Follow me on my adventure

through this office.

00:07:28,324 --> 00:07:29,325

♪♪

00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:31,911

All right, here we go.

00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:33,788

We're gonna just steal

a couple of things.

00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,206

Excuse me.

Can I help you?

00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,333

Starting with common

office objects.

00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,918

Hey, hey, hey!

That's my stuff!

00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,545

Such as staplers and pins

00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,547

and all sorts of things like...

Such as that.

00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,298

That's it.

I'm calling security.

00:07:44,382 --> 00:07:46,134

No! [muffled grunting]

00:07:48,386 --> 00:07:49,387

♪♪

00:07:50,805 --> 00:07:53,599

All right, okay,

now we're in the quiet safe room

00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:55,977

where none of the people

whose stuff I stole

00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,311

can get to us.

00:07:57,395 --> 00:07:59,397

Now, let's look

at all the stuff we got.

00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,983

We got a bag of bobbish.

00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:04,569

That's eight brapples.

00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,320

We got a plumbus.

00:08:06,404 --> 00:08:08,906

That's 6 1/2 brapples.

00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:12,160

We got, uh, a...

Crushed red party cups.

00:08:12,410 --> 00:08:14,370

15 1/2 brapples.

00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:15,913

[Ding! ding! ding! ding!]

00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:17,999

Welcome back to "Funny Songs."

00:08:18,082 --> 00:08:19,876

It's all improvised.

It's very funny.

00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:22,170

I need a volunteer

from the audience.

00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,338

Um, longtime fan

of the show. Uh...

00:08:24,422 --> 00:08:26,841

What do you do?

What's your profession?

00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:28,968

I am a tax attorney.

00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:31,512

Okay, here we go.

Hit... Hit the music.

00:08:31,596 --> 00:08:32,847

♪♪

00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,099

♪ I'm a tax attorney ♪

00:08:35,183 --> 00:08:36,767

♪ Oh, geez, oh ♪

00:08:36,851 --> 00:08:38,769

♪ Forget about everybody else ♪

00:08:38,853 --> 00:08:40,646

♪ Forget about Jesus Christ ♪

00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:42,273

♪ Forget about Muhammad ♪

00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:46,027

♪ Forget about, uh...

all those religions ♪

00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:48,863

♪ Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Da-Ba-Bop ♪

00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,156

The end.

00:08:50,406 --> 00:08:52,033

Oh, my god.

Oh, that was so, so funny.

00:08:52,116 --> 00:08:53,618

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,328

Hey, um, security guards,

take him out.

00:08:55,411 --> 00:08:56,954

Get him out of here.

- What?

00:08:57,038 --> 00:08:58,372

Get the orthodontist

out of here.

00:08:58,456 --> 00:09:00,041

- No! Why?

[glass shatters]

00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:03,377

Take him out of the audience.

Kill him. Sic him.

00:09:03,461 --> 00:09:04,712

Demons...

00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:06,714

Suck his life out.

I don'tgive a shit.

00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:08,841

- Smith family?

- Yes?

00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:11,886

I wanted to let you all know

that Jerry is doing just fine.

00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:13,888

- Yay! Called it!

- Whoo-hoo! That's good news!

00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:16,474

But, uh, Mrs. Smith,

could you come with me?

00:09:18,142 --> 00:09:20,436

Hi, honey,

so, here's the thing...

00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,146

These guys...

They want to completely

00:09:22,230 --> 00:09:24,899

remove my penis and use it

as an alien's heart.

00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:27,068

And we just need you

to sign off on it.

00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:28,653

- What?!

- Uh-Oh.

00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,864

Maybe we got a problem here

after all, guys. Yikes.

00:09:31,948 --> 00:09:34,700

His penis will be replaced

with a sophisticated prosthetic.

00:09:34,784 --> 00:09:37,119

Now, there's a wide range

of options to choose from.

00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:38,829

They're all in this catalogue.

00:09:38,913 --> 00:09:41,082

I don't care about prosthetics.

This is insane.

00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:43,000

What do you people

think you're doing?

00:09:43,084 --> 00:09:45,002

I understand your feelings,

Mrs. Smith.

00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:46,337

Oh, I don't think you do.

00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,339

I bring my husband in

for emergency treatment.

00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,007

He's gone an hour.

00:09:50,091 --> 00:09:52,635

And now you want his penis,

and you hand me some... catalog.

00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,679

It's... It's...

It's... It's... I mean...

00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,681

Sheesh. Well, there you go.

Sorry.

00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,933

I know it's hard to understand,

00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:01,811

but on Earth, love comes first.

00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:03,938

There are those that believe,

Mr. Smith,

00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:06,774

that Shrimply Pibbles represents

love between all life.

00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,818

His fate will determine

00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,654

the fate of hundreds of billions

of sentient life-forms.

00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:15,032

Whoa! Whoa.

So, billions of life-forms?

00:10:15,116 --> 00:10:16,826

Hundreds of billions.

00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:19,787

I mean, Jerry,

y-you didn't explain

00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,540

the full gravity

of the situation.

00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,375

Uh, well, Beth,

I don't think your decision

00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,210

should be based on politics.

00:10:26,294 --> 00:10:28,212

Who could argue

with a wife's decision

00:10:28,296 --> 00:10:30,214

to keep her lover intact?

00:10:30,298 --> 00:10:32,883

Well, I don't think that's

fair at all, Jerry. At all.

00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:35,886

In fact, the whole paradigm

has sexist overtones.

00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:37,972

Beth, can we talk

about this privately?

00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:39,974

You know, I think

the bottom line is, Jerry,

00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:43,144

if you want to keep your penis,

you should say, out loud,

00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,146

"I prefer to keep

my penis."

00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:47,982

But, Beth, what kind of man

would say something like that

00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:50,318

if the universe needed

his penis?!

00:10:50,568 --> 00:10:52,320

Well, Jerry,

what kind of wife would I be

00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:55,489

if I did anything

to stand in your way?

00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,163

Hey, listen,

is your mouth tiny and small?

00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:03,873

Then why don't you come

to Lil'Bits...

00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:05,249

MAN: Lil' Bits!

00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,001

...where the food is tiny.

00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:08,804

It looks like regular food,

but really tiny.

00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,396

You can put it in your mouth

and eat it.

00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:11,857

Nothing gets stuck in your lips.

00:11:11,881 --> 00:11:13,716

It's just tiny and tiny

and fits right...

00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:15,718

- Fits right in.

- Lil' Bits!

00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:19,722

We got tiny lasagna,

tiny pizza, tiny pie.

00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:23,017

Mmm!

Little, tiny fried eggs.

00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,561

Oh, shit.

We got tiny people.

00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:26,687

Lil' Bits!

00:11:26,771 --> 00:11:28,147

You hungry?

Come on down.

00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:29,732

Lil' Bits.

00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:32,360

Eat some fucking shit,

you fucking stupid bitch.

00:11:32,610 --> 00:11:34,070

[Chuckles]

Just kidding.

00:11:34,153 --> 00:11:36,197

You've got some time to kill

before the procedure,

00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,699

so I assume you'd like to, uh,

00:11:38,783 --> 00:11:40,242

use your penis one last time.

00:11:40,326 --> 00:11:41,702

Here's my computer.

00:11:41,786 --> 00:11:43,579

It's got the alien internet

on it.

00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:46,582

Here's some porn.

00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:47,833

And there's an alien towel.

00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:49,460

I actually got that

on another planet.

00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,045

So it is an alien towel to me.

00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,963

- Good luck.

- Thanks.

00:11:53,047 --> 00:11:54,382

[Door closes]

00:11:54,632 --> 00:11:56,384

[Sighs]

00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:04,225

What is this?

00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:05,226

Hmm.

00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:07,395

Hey, wait a minute.

00:12:07,645 --> 00:12:08,562

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith?

00:12:08,646 --> 00:12:10,189

Uh, yeah, just masturbating!

00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,982

I forgot to mention,

00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:14,402

there are extensive medical

records open on my desktop,

00:12:14,652 --> 00:12:16,946

and I trust you to confine

your activities...

00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:19,240

- to the purely pornographic.

- Absolutely!

00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:20,783

Good luck.

00:12:20,866 --> 00:12:21,867

[Clicks]

00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:24,870

My god!

[chuckles]

00:12:24,954 --> 00:12:27,790

Mr. Pibbles,

you just wrote my penis

00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:31,168

a one-way ticket

to staying on my body town.

00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:34,964

ANNOUNCER: It's the opposite news

with Michael Thompson.

00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:37,091

Hey, everybody.

It's me, Michael Thompson.

00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,969

Today the Pope

didn't get killed.

00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:43,139

He's perfectly fine.

And he's on vacation in Aruba.

00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:45,141

In other opposite news,

information...

00:12:45,224 --> 00:12:46,976

Hey, Rick,

what's the deal with this guy?

00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:48,978

W-Why is his body,

like, sloping off

00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:50,980

to the right side

of the screen like that?

00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,863

I don't know, Morty.

See what else is on, huh?

00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,817

Hey, welcome

to "Cooking Things."

00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,193

I'm Pichael Thompson.

00:12:56,277 --> 00:12:57,653

Hey, wait a minute, Rick.

00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,131

This guy's body

is, like, sloping down

00:12:59,155 --> 00:13:00,656

and leaning off to screen left.

00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,199

Oh, my god,

and his name's Pichael.

00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:03,868

I'm cooking

a little bit of this.

00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,661

I'm gonna cook

a little bit of that.

00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:08,122

Oh, oh, hey!

Stop tugging, Michael!

00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:09,540

Oh, my god!

Siamese twins!

00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,250

They're...

They're Siamese twins!

00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:13,461

You quit tugging.

I-I'm in the middle of my news.

00:13:13,711 --> 00:13:15,379

Oh, oh, it's always about you,

isn't it?

00:13:15,463 --> 00:13:17,548

Can you believe this guy,

ladies and gentlemen?

00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,009

He's got his own news show.

He's got a normal name.

00:13:20,092 --> 00:13:22,028

- Hey, flip back to the news.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:24,030

You could tell our parents

started with naming with him.

00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:26,849

It's like, "oh, Michael."

They had that one planned...

00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,559

before they even got

pregnant, I bet.

00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,102

I don't want to be that girl,

00:13:30,186 --> 00:13:31,663

but maybe there would be

less conflict

00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,206

if they didn't shoot their shows

at the same time.

00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,350

Oh, Summer, you have no idea

00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,998

how much money

that must save production.

00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,818

And then they found out

I was attached,

00:13:37,902 --> 00:13:39,629

along for the ride,

and they said, "ah, shit.

00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,447

Well, just fuck it,

call him Pichael."

00:13:41,697 --> 00:13:43,866

Fuck you, Pichael.

You're a fucking piece of shit.

00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,284

♪♪

00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:46,869

[Camera shutters clicking]

00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:47,995

Good afternoon.

00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,705

I know all of you are wondering

00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:52,333

about the condition

of our dear, beloved Pibbles.

00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:55,920

Which would you prefer between

the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?

00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,422

I prefer my own penis,

and so should you!

00:13:58,506 --> 00:14:00,883

The brave Earth man

whose sacrifice

00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:03,719

is going to allow

Shrimply Pibbles to live...

00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:04,845

Mr. Jerry Smith.

00:14:04,929 --> 00:14:06,180

[Cheers and applause]

00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:07,848

Hello, everyone!

00:14:07,932 --> 00:14:10,184

Let's hear it again

for Shrimply Pibbles, huh?

00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,936

He's a good guy, isn't he?

00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:15,064

I've only just been learning

about his accomplishments,

00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:17,274

from his march

on Flirk Blirk Square

00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:20,069

to his ongoing battle

with heroin dependency.

00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:21,070

He's the best.

00:14:21,153 --> 00:14:23,656

[Cheers and applause]

00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:26,367

Um, yeah.

00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:29,245

Well, I-it occurs to me

that his heroin addiction

00:14:29,328 --> 00:14:31,914

may not have been

a matter of public record.

00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,251

You realize heroin makes up

10% of the atmosphere

00:14:35,334 --> 00:14:37,878

on Shrimply Pibbles'

home planet.

00:14:37,962 --> 00:14:40,214

His planet was destroyed

by Clorgon death squads.

00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,925

He can't live outside of it

without breathing heroin.

00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:45,386

Right. I know that.

I just think...

00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:49,181

This guy's trying to get out of

giving away his penis!

00:14:49,265 --> 00:14:51,976

[Crowd shouting]

00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:55,666

NARRATOR:

Today on "How They Do It"...

00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,189

Plumbuses.

00:14:57,273 --> 00:14:59,483

Everyone has a plumbus

in their home.

00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,320

First, they take the dinglebop,

00:15:03,404 --> 00:15:07,116

and they smooth it out

with a bunch of schleem.

00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:11,954

The schleem is then repurposed

for later batches.

00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,163

They take the dinglebop,

00:15:13,247 --> 00:15:15,165

and they push it

through the grumbo,

00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:17,251

where the fleeb

is rubbed against it.

00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:19,336

It's important that the fleeb

is rubbed

00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:22,506

because the fleeb

has all of the fleeb juice.

00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:24,967

Then a schlami shows up,

00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,678

and he rubs it and spits on it.

00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,221

They cut the fleeb.

00:15:29,305 --> 00:15:31,932

There's several hizards

in the way.

00:15:32,016 --> 00:15:35,019

The blamfs rub

against the chumbles.

00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:38,522

And the ploobis and grumbo

are shaved away.

00:15:38,606 --> 00:15:42,276

That leaves you

with a regular, old plumbus.

00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:45,362

I always wondered how,

uh, plumbuses got made.

00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:49,116

Hey, welcome back

to "Personal Space."

00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,993

I'm your host Phillip Jacobs,

00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:54,330

and let me tell you,

I care about my personal space.

00:15:54,413 --> 00:15:57,291

Whoa, whoa. Hey.

Who's around me right now?

00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:59,251

Who's around me?

00:15:59,335 --> 00:16:02,463

Now, why don't we step up here

and everybody get stepped up

00:16:02,546 --> 00:16:05,591

and let's get

some stepped-up personal space

00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:07,009

up in this place.

00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,135

Here we go.

00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:10,387

We get a one, personal space.

00:16:10,471 --> 00:16:12,181

Two, personal space.

00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:14,308

Three,

stay out of my personal space.

00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:17,061

Four, keep away

from my personal space.

00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,897

Five...

get out of that personal space.

00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,315

Six...

00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,983

Stay away

from my personal space.

00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:24,401

Seven...

00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:25,845

keep away

from that personal space.

00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:28,447

Eight, personal space.

00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:31,116

Nine, personal space.

00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,203

You know, I take personal space

pretty seriously,

00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:37,206

up to the point that I don't

even care about this...

00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:39,208

I'm not even interested

in having this skin

00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:41,585

on my personal space.

00:16:41,669 --> 00:16:42,753

[groans]

00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:43,754

Oh, my god!

00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,756

[groans]

00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,424

Oh, it hurts!

00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:48,634

SUMMER:

Gross!

00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:50,219

RICK: [laughs]

What an asshole!

00:16:50,302 --> 00:16:51,512

Ohh, tune in next week...

00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:52,596

[theme music plays]

00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,264

...to the best show ever,

00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,058

the show we all grew and love...

00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,185

"The Personal Space Show."

00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:00,246

ANNOUNCER: More "Personal Space"

next Tuesday at 8:00.

00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,772

Up next, the heat is turning up

00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:04,358

with Samantha and the Boys

on "The Northsiders."

00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:07,444

[speaking alien language]

00:17:08,445 --> 00:17:10,364

[whistle blows]

00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:25,796

If you could all just stop

screaming and chanting

00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,382

and making whatever

that gesture means...

00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,175

Excuse me.

Come on.

00:17:30,259 --> 00:17:32,678

Please, everyone, I have news

about Shrimply Pibbles.

00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,013

Word of Jerry Smith

00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,015

trying to weasel out

of his penis donation

00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,226

has spread across the galaxy.

00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,687

Beings everywhere

have come together

00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:45,107

to offer what little they have

to help save Shrimply's life.

00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:49,153

Enough to pay for a brand-new,

state-of-the-art synthetic heart

00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,698

that will be even better

than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis.

00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:55,242

Wait! That was an option

the whole time?!

00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,744

You guys suck!

00:17:56,994 --> 00:17:59,705

Yeah. We suck.

Are you still here?

00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,457

Okay, Jerry.

Let's head home.

00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:03,500

I can't leave now.

Everyone hates me.

00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,669

Unfortunately,

there's no surgical procedure

00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:08,380

that can fix that.

00:18:08,464 --> 00:18:10,841

Or is there?

00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:12,217

[Monitor beeping]

00:18:12,301 --> 00:18:13,761

- Scalpel.

- Scalpel.

00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:15,596

- Nano-Doctor.

- Nano-Doctor.

00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,265

- Nano-Scalpel.

- Nano-Scalpel.

00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,725

Okay. We're ready.

00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:21,310

Not so fast!

00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:23,353

Mr. Smith? What are you doing?

Are you insane?!

00:18:23,437 --> 00:18:24,646

I'm a good person,

00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,524

and I demand

that you cut off my penis

00:18:27,608 --> 00:18:30,027

and put it in that man's chest.

00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,236

That's not how it works!

00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,071

Well, you're gonna make it work.

00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,701

[knocking]

00:18:37,785 --> 00:18:41,371

I'm Octopus Man!

[laughs]

00:18:41,455 --> 00:18:44,750

I'm Octopus Man! [laughs]

00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:49,505

I'm a marine biologist

who was bitten by an octopus.

00:18:49,588 --> 00:18:51,340

[laughs]

00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:54,301

And now I'm...

I help people.

00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:56,303

I save people.

00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:59,139

I'm a troublesome

octopus person.

00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:01,475

Uh-Oh. I gotta save

some trouble

00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:05,020

'cause here comes

a trouble mite.

00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,772

SUMMER: Gross!

00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:10,192

Does all interdimensional TV

have to rely on juvenile violence?

00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,045

Well, Summer, maybe people that

create things aren't

00:19:12,069 --> 00:19:14,696

concerned with your delicate

sensibilities, you know?

00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:16,591

Maybe the species

that communicate with each other

00:19:16,615 --> 00:19:18,325

through the filter

of your comfort

00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,386

are less evolved than

the ones that just communicate!

00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,210

Maybe your problems

are your own to deal with,

00:19:22,246 --> 00:19:24,057

and maybe the public giving

a shit about your feelings

00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:25,391

is a one-way ticket

to extinction!

00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:26,792

Geez, Morty.

00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:29,270

I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger

hasn't texted you back yet.

00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:30,796

I don't want to talk about it.

00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,559

- Okay, guys, let's go home.

- Where's Dad?

00:19:32,631 --> 00:19:34,633

Breaking news...

Shrimply Pibbles is being

00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:37,135

held hostage by the human

known as Jerry Smith.

00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:38,929

- Remove my penis!

- SUMMER: [gasps]

00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,931

- Holy crap!

- It's cool. It's fine.

00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:42,933

It's gotta be from

an alternate reality, right?

00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,686

- Are you sure?

- I don't know.

00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:48,313

Do it! Do it!

Remove my penis!

00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:49,940

Sir, put the gun down

00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:51,692

and step away

from Mr. Pibbles!

00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:53,527

- Jerry!

- Dad, what are you doing?!

00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:55,696

I'm a good person.

I'm a good person.

00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,698

Where did he get a gun?

Who gave him a gun?

00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:00,200

That's not a gun.

That's the XP-20 XS.

00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:02,494

Ah!

00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:07,958

Oh, my god.

00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,793

I'm a good person.

00:20:09,877 --> 00:20:13,797

[Screaming]

00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:16,425

[Distorted screaming]

00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:17,759

No!

00:20:17,843 --> 00:20:20,971

Nooooo!

00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,765

[monitor beeping]

00:20:23,849 --> 00:20:25,851

[both screaming]

00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,478

MAN: Hey, how's itgoing?

00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:30,397

This is

my butthole ice cream parlor.

00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,900

I got all kinds of ice cream...

Peanut butter andjelly...

00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:34,443

[farts]

- ...vanilla...

00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:35,777

[farts]

- ...chocolate...

00:20:35,861 --> 00:20:37,529

[farts]

- ...and every flavor

00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:38,864

served out of a butthole...

00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,741

- [groaning]

- Just like you're back home.

00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:41,825

- Dad!

- Dad!

00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,994

What happened?

Where am I?

00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,579

Was it all a dream?

00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,456

No, you were shot like 50 times.

00:20:47,539 --> 00:20:50,000

57. Thankfully,

you're in a super-sophisticated

00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,585

alien hospital,

00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,712

so it was basically like

getting a splinter removed.

00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,881

All... All I wanted

was for everyone to like me.

00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,692

Jerry, remember that time

you left a comment

00:20:57,716 --> 00:20:59,636

underneath that YouTube video

and someone replied

00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,696

and called you a dumb-ass,

so you replied and told them,

00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,781

"it takes one to know one,"

and you stayed up all night

00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:05,432

hitting "refresh"

on your browser

00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:07,201

waiting for them to reply

and then you fell asleep crying?

00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:09,019

I remember it differently.

00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,563

This is like that.

You can't make people like you.

00:21:11,647 --> 00:21:13,857

You just have to wait

for hating you to bore them.

00:21:13,941 --> 00:21:15,067

You know, you're right.

00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:16,568

I shouldn't be motivated

00:21:16,652 --> 00:21:18,445

by other people's

opinions of me.

00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:19,768

All right, guys, let's go home.

00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:21,141

If it's all the same

to you, Rick,

00:21:21,198 --> 00:21:22,658

I'd like to go to the zoo...

00:21:22,741 --> 00:21:24,326

- With my family.

- What?!

00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,220

- What are you talking about?!

- Why would we do that?!

00:21:26,244 --> 00:21:27,555

- It's a stupid idea!

What's the matter with you!?

00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:29,164

Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!

00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,558

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We'll go home.

00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:31,768

What the hell

is he talking about?!

00:21:31,792 --> 00:21:34,670

♪♪

00:22:10,789 --> 00:22:12,666

- Aah!

- I'm the Eyehole Man!

00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,501

What is going on? Aah!

00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,962

Give me my Eyeholes!

I'm Eyehole Man!

00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:18,645

That part of the cupboard

is mine, Jerry!

00:22:18,714 --> 00:22:20,215

Why do you even have those?!

00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:21,609

- Give me my Eyeholes!

- Help me, please!

00:22:21,633 --> 00:22:23,152

Get up on out of here

with my Eyeholes!

00:22:23,176 --> 00:22:24,636

[screaming]

00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,096

Did you get any of that?

00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,181

It's-a good-a show!

00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,593

You hear me, Jerry?

You're gonna be fine.

00:00:08,677 --> 00:00:10,261

- Whoa!

- Ooh, watch out for that stuff.

00:00:10,345 --> 00:00:11,930

It'll stain

if it gets on your clothes,

00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,598

and it'll send you

into a murderous rage

00:00:13,682 --> 00:00:15,266

if it gets

in your eyes or mouth.

00:00:15,350 --> 00:00:16,935

Why would you keep

mutant bacteria

00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,603

in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

00:00:18,687 --> 00:00:20,164

I know this isn't the time,

but, you know,

00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:21,582

technically, the second freezer

drawer is mine.

00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:22,917

- Not anymore.

- You're overreacting!

00:00:22,941 --> 00:00:24,293

We're losing him.

- All right, fine.

00:00:24,317 --> 00:00:25,586

But you're

not touching my crisper.

00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,195

- Is he going to die?

- Don't worry.

00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:29,280

Dr. Glip Glop

is the best in the galaxy.

00:00:29,364 --> 00:00:31,199

Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop.

00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,993

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,370

Aah!

00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,914

What?

00:00:37,997 --> 00:00:40,351

Every hospital claims to have

the best doctor in the galaxy.

00:00:40,375 --> 00:00:42,085

It's like those pizza places

00:00:42,168 --> 00:00:43,896

that claim to have

the best pizza in the world.

00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,606

What do you think,

they have pizza contests?

00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:47,110

Have you ever been

to a pizza contest?

00:00:47,173 --> 00:00:48,842

- Go in the waiting room, Dad.

- Fine!

00:00:48,925 --> 00:00:50,969

Excuse me.

00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,554

Coming through.

What are you here for?

00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:53,656

Just kidding.

I don't care.

00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:54,681

♪♪

00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,308

Well, this won't do.

00:00:57,392 --> 00:00:59,686

- Hey, what are you doing?

- A sequel.

00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,188

- I don't understand.

- Yeah, me, neither.

00:01:02,272 --> 00:01:04,399

We pretty much nailed it

the first time.

00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,693

♪ Bounce that ass,

drop it down to the floor ♪

00:01:06,943 --> 00:01:08,862

♪ Freak that nigga

'til his shit get sore ♪

00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:11,489

♪ Bounce that ass

drop it down to the floor ♪

00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:13,213

♪ Shake that shit

'til you can't no more ♪

00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,492

♪ Biatch! ♪

00:01:20,749 --> 00:01:22,834

Ooh! Ooh!

00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,502

Ow!

00:01:24,586 --> 00:01:27,672

"Man vs. Car,"

the newest hit show,

00:01:27,756 --> 00:01:31,050

- Where it pits a man...

- Yeah!

00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,594

- ...versus a car.

00:01:32,677 --> 00:01:34,429

On tonight's episode,

00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,514

Michael Jenkins fights

a regular old car.

00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,433

Here we go.

00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:40,268

Oh, he's pushing

his way through.

00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,603

He's trying to fight that car,

00:01:41,686 --> 00:01:43,354

but the car seems to have

the upper hand.

00:01:43,438 --> 00:01:45,982

Oh, he's got a little bit

of pushback there.

00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:48,318

Oh, no.

He just got ran over...

00:01:48,401 --> 00:01:50,445

and chewed up by the tires.

00:01:50,528 --> 00:01:53,448

I guess that's another one

for the cars.

00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,327

I mean,

wouldn't the cars always win?

00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:58,787

♪♪

00:01:59,037 --> 00:02:02,373

Samantha, I need to know

that you understand

00:02:02,457 --> 00:02:05,627

that I have a couple

of eyeholes.

00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,629

I do. I do understand

about your eyeholes.

00:02:07,712 --> 00:02:10,298

Here, look at my eyeholes.

00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:14,302

Oh, my god.

You have eight eye ho... holes.

00:02:15,804 --> 00:02:17,722

Ohh, I'm looking through

your eyeholes.

00:02:17,806 --> 00:02:19,724

Yes, look through my eyeholes.

00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:28,024

I'm the Eyehole... Man.

00:02:28,107 --> 00:02:32,445

I'm the only one that's

allowed to have Eyeholes.

00:02:32,529 --> 00:02:35,907

Get up on out of here

with my Eyeholes.

00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,909

Eyeholes.

Get them today.

00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:39,619

You gotta be

careful, Morty.

00:02:39,702 --> 00:02:41,514

If that guy catches you

with a box of his Eyeholes,

00:02:41,538 --> 00:02:43,122

he comes bursting in

through a window

00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,926

and just starts

kicking the shit out of you.

00:02:45,041 --> 00:02:46,459

But it's worth the risk.

00:02:46,543 --> 00:02:48,187

They melt in your mouth, Morty.

They're delicious.

00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:50,105

Dad, I can't believe

you're explaining alien cereal.

00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,566

- We're worried about Jerry.

- Well, you're 39 years too late,

00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,384

or, you know, however old he is.

00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:55,969

Is he... Is he 50?

00:02:56,052 --> 00:02:57,846

Jesus Christ, Beth,

is... Is Jerry 50?

00:02:58,096 --> 00:03:00,473

Where am I?

00:03:00,557 --> 00:03:03,852

Relax, Mr. Smith.

You're in an alien hospital.

00:03:04,102 --> 00:03:05,687

I mean, to you,

it's an alien hospital.

00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,355

To me,

you're just in a hospital.

00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:08,749

There's another matter

we need to discuss with you.

00:03:08,773 --> 00:03:09,774

Okay.

00:03:09,858 --> 00:03:11,609

An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles,

00:03:11,693 --> 00:03:14,362

the galaxy's most influential

civil rights leader,

00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:16,739

was brought to this hospital's

emergency room,

00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:19,075

where he is currently fighting

for his life.

00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:20,201

My god.

00:03:20,285 --> 00:03:24,080

Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles'

life can be saved

00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:27,959

if we replace

his heart with your human penis.

00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,502

I see.

Wait, what?

00:03:29,586 --> 00:03:31,379

It's perfect.

00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,964

The configuration of veins,

00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,425

the ratio of thickness

to elasticity,

00:03:35,508 --> 00:03:37,719

the delicate asymmetry

of what you call your balls,

00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:40,597

and with relatively

few adjustments,

00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,266

your genitals can be molded

into a functioning heart

00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:46,144

for the most important man

in the universe.

00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,062

- Yeah, but... I mean...

- Oh, forget it!

00:03:48,146 --> 00:03:50,023

I told you this was

a waste of time!

00:03:50,106 --> 00:03:51,608

Have respect, Yarp.

00:03:51,691 --> 00:03:53,610

The Earth man's world

is tiny and undeveloped.

00:03:53,693 --> 00:03:55,862

He knows nothing

of the genocides of Clorgon

00:03:56,112 --> 00:04:00,742

or the tragic events

of 65.3432.23/14.

00:04:00,825 --> 00:04:04,662

And even if he did,

he wouldn't comprehend them.

00:04:04,746 --> 00:04:06,873

I've dwelt among the humans.

00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:10,919

Their entire culture

is built around their penises.

00:04:11,169 --> 00:04:13,046

It's funny to say

they are small.

00:04:13,129 --> 00:04:15,381

It's funny to say they are big.

00:04:15,465 --> 00:04:16,883

I've been at parties

00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:21,054

where humans have held

bottles, pencils, thermoses

00:04:21,137 --> 00:04:23,765

in front of themselves

and called out,

00:04:23,848 --> 00:04:27,644

"Hey, look at me.

I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick.

00:04:27,727 --> 00:04:30,438

I've got such-and-such

for a penis."

00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,941

I never saw it fail

to get a laugh.

00:04:33,191 --> 00:04:34,484

All right!

That's enough!

00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,235

You guys are talking

about my species.

00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:39,238

We understand genocide.

We do it sometimes.

00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:40,907

Then you would give your penis

00:04:41,157 --> 00:04:42,551

so that Shrimply Pibbles

might live?

00:04:42,575 --> 00:04:44,494

- Stop asking!

- Yes, I will!

00:04:44,577 --> 00:04:46,162

That's right, assholes.

00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:47,705

Take my penis.

Take it all!

00:04:47,789 --> 00:04:49,040

And tell Shrimply Pibbles

00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,376

that when the galaxy

came calling,

00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,670

Jerry Smith from Earth

didn't flinch!

00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:58,800

Hey, w-what's wrong,

Morty?

00:04:58,883 --> 00:05:00,402

Oh, you're worried

about your dad, huh?

00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,636

Huh?

Oh, no, no, no.

00:05:01,719 --> 00:05:03,346

I'm just...

I'm just looking

00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,348

at that lady over there

getting coffee.

00:05:05,431 --> 00:05:06,641

What's up with her face?

00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:09,060

Is she human,

or is she like Worf?

00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,478

You know, Worf from "Star Trek,"

00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:12,814

how he has all that shit

all over his face,

00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:15,066

but he's just a human

in a costume, you know?

00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:16,789

Morty, uh, let's see

what else is on, huh?

00:05:16,818 --> 00:05:18,111

Okay.

00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:20,113

And now we're back

to "How Did I Get Here?"

00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:22,907

the only show

that makes you ask yourself,

00:05:22,991 --> 00:05:24,867

"How did I get here?"

00:05:26,244 --> 00:05:27,912

Here's our first person.

00:05:27,996 --> 00:05:29,998

Oh. Oh, my god.

00:05:30,248 --> 00:05:31,916

How did I get here?

00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,668

Hello?!

00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:35,628

How did I get here?!

Somebody, help me, please!

00:05:35,712 --> 00:05:37,672

All right!

00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:40,174

Holy crap! Look, it's that lady

with the shit on her face

00:05:40,258 --> 00:05:42,844

like Worf from "Star Trek"

that was getting coffee!

00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:44,595

How did she get there?!

00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:46,431

Oh, my god, Morty,

how did she get there?

00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,683

How did she get there?

00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:51,519

Is that something

we should be concerned about?

00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:53,813

Just stay away

from the coffee machine.

00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:56,357

Calling all

Jan Michael Vincents.

00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,484

Calling all

Jan Michael Vincents.

00:05:58,568 --> 00:05:59,861

In a world

00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:01,624

where there's eight

Jan Michael Vincents...

00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:03,698

We need one

Jan Michael Vincent

00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:04,782

to Quadrant "C."

00:06:04,866 --> 00:06:06,146

We need two Jan Michael Vincents

00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,493

to Quadrant "E."

00:06:07,577 --> 00:06:09,412

...and 16 Quadrants,

00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,998

There's only enough time

for a Jan Michael Vincent

00:06:12,248 --> 00:06:13,750

to make it to a quadrant.

00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:16,335

He can't be at two quadrants

at once.

00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,713

Hey, Rick, who...

Who is Jan Michael Vincent?

00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,715

Oh, man, I'm trying to

remember, Morty.

00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:23,718

Jan Michael Vincents

are used up.

00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:27,138

I need a goddamn

Jan Michael Vincent.

00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:30,266

Is it important that we know

who Jan Michael Vincent was...

00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:31,809

- In order to get this?

- Nope.

00:06:31,893 --> 00:06:34,687

I refuse to send the legislation

that allows more

00:06:34,771 --> 00:06:38,066

than eight Jan Michael Vincents

to a precinct.

00:06:38,316 --> 00:06:40,234

This Jan-Uary,

00:06:40,318 --> 00:06:43,613

it's time to Michael down

your Vincents.

00:06:43,696 --> 00:06:47,366

"Jan Quadrant Vincent 16."

00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:48,534

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

00:06:48,618 --> 00:06:49,911

That's Jan Michaels.

00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:51,754

Excuse me, nurse,

can you take my temperature

00:06:51,788 --> 00:06:53,206

because I think I have

00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:55,750

Jan Quadrant Vincent fever

over here.

00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,919

All right, Morty!

You've done it.

00:06:58,002 --> 00:07:00,421

So, we'll be detaching

your sexual organ at the base

00:07:00,505 --> 00:07:03,341

by making incisions

here, here, and here.

00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:04,467

Got it.

00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:06,260

Leaving a partial length

of severed urethra

00:07:06,344 --> 00:07:08,179

To be threaded through...

00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:11,015

Oh, you know what, I gotta...

I gotta laugh at myself here.

00:07:11,099 --> 00:07:12,809

I'm having a little laugh

at myself

00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,602

because I just realized

I haven't run

00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,229

this whole decision

past my wife.

00:07:16,312 --> 00:07:18,439

Oh. Do you think

she'll be okay with this?

00:07:18,523 --> 00:07:19,774

Oh, absolutely.

00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,776

Beth's automatically

on board always

00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,903

with every decision I make.

00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,404

Hey, I'm Stealy.

00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:28,074

Follow me on my adventure

through this office.

00:07:28,324 --> 00:07:29,325

♪♪

00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:31,911

All right, here we go.

00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:33,788

We're gonna just steal

a couple of things.

00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,206

Excuse me.

Can I help you?

00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,333

Starting with common

office objects.

00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,918

Hey, hey, hey!

That's my stuff!

00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,545

Such as staplers and pins

00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,547

and all sorts of things like...

Such as that.

00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,298

That's it.

I'm calling security.

00:07:44,382 --> 00:07:46,134

No!

00:07:48,386 --> 00:07:49,387

♪♪

00:07:50,805 --> 00:07:53,599

All right, okay,

now we're in the quiet safe room

00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:55,977

where none of the people

whose stuff I stole

00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,311

can get to us.

00:07:57,395 --> 00:07:59,397

Now, let's look

at all the stuff we got.

00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,983

We got a bag of bobbish.

00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:04,569

That's eight brapples.

00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,320

We got a plumbus.

00:08:06,404 --> 00:08:08,906

That's 6 1/2 brapples.

00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:12,160

We got, uh, a...

Crushed red party cups.

00:08:12,410 --> 00:08:14,370

15 1/2 brapples.

00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:17,999

Welcome back to "Funny Songs."

00:08:18,082 --> 00:08:19,876

It's all improvised.

It's very funny.

00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:22,170

I need a volunteer

from the audience.

00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,338

Um, longtime fan

of the show. Uh...

00:08:24,422 --> 00:08:26,841

What do you do?

What's your profession?

00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:28,968

I am a tax attorney.

00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:31,512

Okay, here we go.

Hit... Hit the music.

00:08:31,596 --> 00:08:32,847

♪♪

00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,099

♪ I'm a tax attorney ♪

00:08:35,183 --> 00:08:36,767

♪ Oh, geez, oh ♪

00:08:36,851 --> 00:08:38,769

♪ Forget about everybody else ♪

00:08:38,853 --> 00:08:40,646

♪ Forget about Jesus Christ ♪

00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:42,273

♪ Forget about Muhammad ♪

00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:46,027

♪ Forget about, uh...

all those religions ♪

00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:48,863

♪ Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Da-Ba-Bop ♪

00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,156

The end.

00:08:50,406 --> 00:08:52,033

Oh, my god.

Oh, that was so, so funny.

00:08:52,116 --> 00:08:53,618

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,328

Hey, um, security guards,

take him out.

00:08:55,411 --> 00:08:56,954

Get him out of here.

- What?

00:08:57,038 --> 00:08:58,372

Get the orthodontist

out of here.

00:08:58,456 --> 00:09:00,041

- No! Why?

00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:03,377

Take him out of the audience.

Kill him. Sic him.

00:09:03,461 --> 00:09:04,712

Demons...

00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:06,714

Suck his life out.

I don'tgive a shit.

00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:08,841

- Smith family?

- Yes?

00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:11,886

I wanted to let you all know

that Jerry is doing just fine.

00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:13,888

- Yay! Called it!

- Whoo-hoo! That's good news!

00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:16,474

But, uh, Mrs. Smith,

could you come with me?

00:09:18,142 --> 00:09:20,436

Hi, honey,

so, here's the thing...

00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,146

These guys...

They want to completely

00:09:22,230 --> 00:09:24,899

remove my penis and use it

as an alien's heart.

00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:27,068

And we just need you

to sign off on it.

00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:28,653

- What?!

- Uh-Oh.

00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,864

Maybe we got a problem here

after all, guys. Yikes.

00:09:31,948 --> 00:09:34,700

His penis will be replaced

with a sophisticated prosthetic.

00:09:34,784 --> 00:09:37,119

Now, there's a wide range

of options to choose from.

00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:38,829

They're all in this catalogue.

00:09:38,913 --> 00:09:41,082

I don't care about prosthetics.

This is insane.

00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:43,000

What do you people

think you're doing?

00:09:43,084 --> 00:09:45,002

I understand your feelings,

Mrs. Smith.

00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:46,337

Oh, I don't think you do.

00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,339

I bring my husband in

for emergency treatment.

00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,007

He's gone an hour.

00:09:50,091 --> 00:09:52,635

And now you want his penis,

and you hand me some... catalog.

00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,679

It's... It's...

It's... It's... I mean...

00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,681

Sheesh. Well, there you go.

Sorry.

00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,933

I know it's hard to understand,

00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:01,811

but on Earth, love comes first.

00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:03,938

There are those that believe,

Mr. Smith,

00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:06,774

that Shrimply Pibbles represents

love between all life.

00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,818

His fate will determine

00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,654

the fate of hundreds of billions

of sentient life-forms.

00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:15,032

Whoa! Whoa.

So, billions of life-forms?

00:10:15,116 --> 00:10:16,826

Hundreds of billions.

00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:19,787

I mean, Jerry,

y-you didn't explain

00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,540

the full gravity

of the situation.

00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,375

Uh, well, Beth,

I don't think your decision

00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,210

should be based on politics.

00:10:26,294 --> 00:10:28,212

Who could argue

with a wife's decision

00:10:28,296 --> 00:10:30,214

to keep her lover intact?

00:10:30,298 --> 00:10:32,883

Well, I don't think that's

fair at all, Jerry. At all.

00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:35,886

In fact, the whole paradigm

has sexist overtones.

00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:37,972

Beth, can we talk

about this privately?

00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:39,974

You know, I think

the bottom line is, Jerry,

00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:43,144

if you want to keep your penis,

you should say, out loud,

00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,146

"I prefer to keep

my penis."

00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:47,982

But, Beth, what kind of man

would say something like that

00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:50,318

if the universe needed

his penis?!

00:10:50,568 --> 00:10:52,320

Well, Jerry,

what kind of wife would I be

00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:55,489

if I did anything

to stand in your way?

00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,163

Hey, listen,

is your mouth tiny and small?

00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:03,873

Then why don't you come

to Lil'Bits...

00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:05,249

Lil' Bits!

00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,001

...where the food is tiny.

00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:08,804

It looks like regular food,

but really tiny.

00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,396

You can put it in your mouth

and eat it.

00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:11,857

Nothing gets stuck in your lips.

00:11:11,881 --> 00:11:13,716

It's just tiny and tiny

and fits right...

00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:15,718

- Fits right in.

- Lil' Bits!

00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:19,722

We got tiny lasagna,

tiny pizza, tiny pie.

00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:23,017

Mmm!

Little, tiny fried eggs.

00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,561

Oh, shit.

We got tiny people.

00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:26,687

Lil' Bits!

00:11:26,771 --> 00:11:28,147

You hungry?

Come on down.

00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:29,732

Lil' Bits.

00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:32,360

Eat some fucking shit,

you fucking stupid bitch.

00:11:32,610 --> 00:11:34,070

Just kidding.

00:11:34,153 --> 00:11:36,197

You've got some time to kill

before the procedure,

00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,699

so I assume you'd like to, uh,

00:11:38,783 --> 00:11:40,242

use your penis one last time.

00:11:40,326 --> 00:11:41,702

Here's my computer.

00:11:41,786 --> 00:11:43,579

It's got the alien internet

on it.

00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:46,582

Here's some porn.

00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:47,833

And there's an alien towel.

00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:49,460

I actually got that

on another planet.

00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,045

So it is an alien towel to me.

00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,963

- Good luck.

- Thanks.

00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:04,225

What is this?

00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:05,226

Hmm.

00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:07,395

Hey, wait a minute.

00:12:07,645 --> 00:12:08,562

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith?

00:12:08,646 --> 00:12:10,189

Uh, yeah, just masturbating!

00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,982

I forgot to mention,

00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:14,402

there are extensive medical

records open on my desktop,

00:12:14,652 --> 00:12:16,946

and I trust you to confine

your activities...

00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:19,240

- to the purely pornographic.

- Absolutely!

00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:20,783

Good luck.

00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:24,870

My god!

00:12:24,954 --> 00:12:27,790

Mr. Pibbles,

you just wrote my penis

00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:31,168

a one-way ticket

to staying on my body town.

00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:34,964

It's the opposite news

with Michael Thompson.

00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:37,091

Hey, everybody.

It's me, Michael Thompson.

00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,969

Today the Pope

didn't get killed.

00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:43,139

He's perfectly fine.

And he's on vacation in Aruba.

00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:45,141

In other opposite news,

information...

00:12:45,224 --> 00:12:46,976

Hey, Rick,

what's the deal with this guy?

00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:48,978

W-Why is his body,

like, sloping off

00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:50,980

to the right side

of the screen like that?

00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,863

I don't know, Morty.

See what else is on, huh?

00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,817

Hey, welcome

to "Cooking Things."

00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,193

I'm Pichael Thompson.

00:12:56,277 --> 00:12:57,653

Hey, wait a minute, Rick.

00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,131

This guy's body

is, like, sloping down

00:12:59,155 --> 00:13:00,656

and leaning off to screen left.

00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,199

Oh, my god,

and his name's Pichael.

00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:03,868

I'm cooking

a little bit of this.

00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,661

I'm gonna cook

a little bit of that.

00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:08,122

Oh, oh, hey!

Stop tugging, Michael!

00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:09,540

Oh, my god!

Siamese twins!

00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,250

They're...

They're Siamese twins!

00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:13,461

You quit tugging.

I-I'm in the middle of my news.

00:13:13,711 --> 00:13:15,379

Oh, oh, it's always about you,

isn't it?

00:13:15,463 --> 00:13:17,548

Can you believe this guy,

ladies and gentlemen?

00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,009

He's got his own news show.

He's got a normal name.

00:13:20,092 --> 00:13:22,028

- Hey, flip back to the news.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:24,030

You could tell our parents

started with naming with him.

00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:26,849

It's like, "oh, Michael."

They had that one planned...

00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,559

before they even got

pregnant, I bet.

00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,102

I don't want to be that girl,

00:13:30,186 --> 00:13:31,663

but maybe there would be

less conflict

00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,206

if they didn't shoot their shows

at the same time.

00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,350

Oh, Summer, you have no idea

00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,998

how much money

that must save production.

00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,818

And then they found out

I was attached,

00:13:37,902 --> 00:13:39,629

along for the ride,

and they said, "ah, shit.

00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,447

Well, just fuck it,

call him Pichael."

00:13:41,697 --> 00:13:43,866

Fuck you, Pichael.

You're a fucking piece of shit.

00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,284

♪♪

00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:47,995

Good afternoon.

00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,705

I know all of you are wondering

00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:52,333

about the condition

of our dear, beloved Pibbles.

00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:55,920

Which would you prefer between

the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?

00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,422

I prefer my own penis,

and so should you!

00:13:58,506 --> 00:14:00,883

The brave Earth man

whose sacrifice

00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:03,719

is going to allow

Shrimply Pibbles to live...

00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:04,845

Mr. Jerry Smith.

00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:07,848

Hello, everyone!

00:14:07,932 --> 00:14:10,184

Let's hear it again

for Shrimply Pibbles, huh?

00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,936

He's a good guy, isn't he?

00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:15,064

I've only just been learning

about his accomplishments,

00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:17,274

from his march

on Flirk Blirk Square

00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:20,069

to his ongoing battle

with heroin dependency.

00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:21,070

He's the best.

00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:26,367

Um, yeah.

00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:29,245

Well, I-it occurs to me

that his heroin addiction

00:14:29,328 --> 00:14:31,914

may not have been

a matter of public record.

00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,251

You realize heroin makes up

10% of the atmosphere

00:14:35,334 --> 00:14:37,878

on Shrimply Pibbles'

home planet.

00:14:37,962 --> 00:14:40,214

His planet was destroyed

by Clorgon death squads.

00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,925

He can't live outside of it

without breathing heroin.

00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:45,386

Right. I know that.

I just think...

00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:49,181

This guy's trying to get out of

giving away his penis!

00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:55,666

Today on "How They Do It"...

00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,189

Plumbuses.

00:14:57,273 --> 00:14:59,483

Everyone has a plumbus

in their home.

00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,320

First, they take the dinglebop,

00:15:03,404 --> 00:15:07,116

and they smooth it out

with a bunch of schleem.

00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:11,954

The schleem is then repurposed

for later batches.

00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,163

They take the dinglebop,

00:15:13,247 --> 00:15:15,165

and they push it

through the grumbo,

00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:17,251

where the fleeb

is rubbed against it.

00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:19,336

It's important that the fleeb

is rubbed

00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:22,506

because the fleeb

has all of the fleeb juice.

00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:24,967

Then a schlami shows up,

00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,678

and he rubs it and spits on it.

00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,221

They cut the fleeb.

00:15:29,305 --> 00:15:31,932

There's several hizards

in the way.

00:15:32,016 --> 00:15:35,019

The blamfs rub

against the chumbles.

00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:38,522

And the ploobis and grumbo

are shaved away.

00:15:38,606 --> 00:15:42,276

That leaves you

with a regular, old plumbus.

00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:45,362

I always wondered how,

uh, plumbuses got made.

00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:49,116

Hey, welcome back

to "Personal Space."

00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,993

I'm your host Phillip Jacobs,

00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:54,330

and let me tell you,

I care about my personal space.

00:15:54,413 --> 00:15:57,291

Whoa, whoa. Hey.

Who's around me right now?

00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:59,251

Who's around me?

00:15:59,335 --> 00:16:02,463

Now, why don't we step up here

and everybody get stepped up

00:16:02,546 --> 00:16:05,591

and let's get

some stepped-up personal space

00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:07,009

up in this place.

00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,135

Here we go.

00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:10,387

We get a one, personal space.

00:16:10,471 --> 00:16:12,181

Two, personal space.

00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:14,308

Three,

stay out of my personal space.

00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:17,061

Four, keep away

from my personal space.

00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,897

Five...

get out of that personal space.

00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,315

Six...

00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,983

Stay away

from my personal space.

00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:24,401

Seven...

00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:25,845

keep away

from that personal space.

00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:28,447

Eight, personal space.

00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:31,116

Nine, personal space.

00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,203

You know, I take personal space

pretty seriously,

00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:37,206

up to the point that I don't

even care about this...

00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:39,208

I'm not even interested

in having this skin

00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:41,585

on my personal space.

00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:43,754

Oh, my god!

00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,424

Oh, it hurts!

00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:48,634

Gross!

00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:50,219

What an asshole!

00:16:50,302 --> 00:16:51,512

Ohh, tune in next week...

00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,264

...to the best show ever,

00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,058

the show we all grew and love...

00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,185

"The Personal Space Show."

00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:00,246

More "Personal Space"

next Tuesday at 8:00.

00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,772

Up next, the heat is turning up

00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:04,358

with Samantha and the Boys

on "The Northsiders."

00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:25,796

If you could all just stop

screaming and chanting

00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,382

and making whatever

that gesture means...

00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,175

Excuse me.

Come on.

00:17:30,259 --> 00:17:32,678

Please, everyone, I have news

about Shrimply Pibbles.

00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,013

Word of Jerry Smith

00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,015

trying to weasel out

of his penis donation

00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,226

has spread across the galaxy.

00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,687

Beings everywhere

have come together

00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:45,107

to offer what little they have

to help save Shrimply's life.

00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:49,153

Enough to pay for a brand-new,

state-of-the-art synthetic heart

00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,698

that will be even better

than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis.

00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:55,242

Wait! That was an option

the whole time?!

00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,744

You guys suck!

00:17:56,994 --> 00:17:59,705

Yeah. We suck.

Are you still here?

00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,457

Okay, Jerry.

Let's head home.

00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:03,500

I can't leave now.

Everyone hates me.

00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,669

Unfortunately,

there's no surgical procedure

00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:08,380

that can fix that.

00:18:08,464 --> 00:18:10,841

Or is there?

00:18:12,301 --> 00:18:13,761

- Scalpel.

- Scalpel.

00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:15,596

- Nano-Doctor.

- Nano-Doctor.

00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,265

- Nano-Scalpel.

- Nano-Scalpel.

00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,725

Okay. We're ready.

00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:21,310

Not so fast!

00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:23,353

Mr. Smith? What are you doing?

Are you insane?!

00:18:23,437 --> 00:18:24,646

I'm a good person,

00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,524

and I demand

that you cut off my penis

00:18:27,608 --> 00:18:30,027

and put it in that man's chest.

00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,236

That's not how it works!

00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,071

Well, you're gonna make it work.

00:18:37,785 --> 00:18:41,371

I'm Octopus Man!

00:18:41,455 --> 00:18:44,750

I'm Octopus Man!

00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:49,505

I'm a marine biologist

who was bitten by an octopus.

00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:54,301

And now I'm...

I help people.

00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:56,303

I save people.

00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:59,139

I'm a troublesome

octopus person.

00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:01,475

Uh-Oh. I gotta save

some trouble

00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:05,020

'cause here comes

a trouble mite.

00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,772

Gross!

00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:10,192

Does all interdimensional TV

have to rely on juvenile violence?

00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,045

Well, Summer, maybe people that

create things aren't

00:19:12,069 --> 00:19:14,696

concerned with your delicate

sensibilities, you know?

00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:16,591

Maybe the species

that communicate with each other

00:19:16,615 --> 00:19:18,325

through the filter

of your comfort

00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,386

are less evolved than

the ones that just communicate!

00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,210

Maybe your problems

are your own to deal with,

00:19:22,246 --> 00:19:24,057

and maybe the public giving

a shit about your feelings

00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:25,391

is a one-way ticket

to extinction!

00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:26,792

Geez, Morty.

00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:29,270

I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger

hasn't texted you back yet.

00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:30,796

I don't want to talk about it.

00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,559

- Okay, guys, let's go home.

- Where's Dad?

00:19:32,631 --> 00:19:34,633

Breaking news...

Shrimply Pibbles is being

00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:37,135

held hostage by the human

known as Jerry Smith.

00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:38,929

Remove my penis!

00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,931

- Holy crap!

- It's cool. It's fine.

00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:42,933

It's gotta be from

an alternate reality, right?

00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,686

- Are you sure?

- I don't know.

00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:48,313

Do it! Do it!

Remove my penis!

00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:49,940

Sir, put the gun down

00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:51,692

and step away

from Mr. Pibbles!

00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:53,527

- Jerry!

- Dad, what are you doing?!

00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:55,696

I'm a good person.

I'm a good person.

00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,698

Where did he get a gun?

Who gave him a gun?

00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:00,200

That's not a gun.

That's the XP-20 XS.

00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:02,494

Ah!

00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:07,958

Oh, my god.

00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,793

I'm a good person.

00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:17,759

No!

00:20:17,843 --> 00:20:20,971

Nooooo!

00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,478

Hey, how's itgoing?

00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:30,397

This is

my butthole ice cream parlor.

00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,900

I got all kinds of ice cream...

Peanut butter andjelly...

00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:34,443

- ...vanilla...

00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:35,777

- ...chocolate...

00:20:35,861 --> 00:20:37,529

- ...and every flavor

00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:38,864

served out of a butthole...

00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,741

Just like you're back home.

00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:41,825

- Dad!

- Dad!

00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,994

What happened?

Where am I?

00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,579

Was it all a dream?

00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,456

No, you were shot like 50 times.

00:20:47,539 --> 00:20:50,000

57. Thankfully,

you're in a super-sophisticated

00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,585

alien hospital,

00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,712

so it was basically like

getting a splinter removed.

00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,881

All... All I wanted

was for everyone to like me.

00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,692

Jerry, remember that time

you left a comment

00:20:57,716 --> 00:20:59,636

underneath that YouTube video

and someone replied

00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,696

and called you a dumb-ass,

so you replied and told them,

00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,781

"it takes one to know one,"

and you stayed up all night

00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:05,432

hitting "refresh"

on your browser

00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:07,201

waiting for them to reply

and then you fell asleep crying?

00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:09,019

I remember it differently.

00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,563

This is like that.

You can't make people like you.

00:21:11,647 --> 00:21:13,857

You just have to wait

for hating you to bore them.

00:21:13,941 --> 00:21:15,067

You know, you're right.

00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:16,568

I shouldn't be motivated

00:21:16,652 --> 00:21:18,445

by other people's

opinions of me.

00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:19,768

All right, guys, let's go home.

00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:21,141

If it's all the same

to you, Rick,

00:21:21,198 --> 00:21:22,658

I'd like to go to the zoo...

00:21:22,741 --> 00:21:24,326

- With my family.

- What?!

00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,220

- What are you talking about?!

- Why would we do that?!

00:21:26,244 --> 00:21:27,555

- It's a stupid idea!

What's the matter with you!?

00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:29,164

Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!

00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,558

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We'll go home.

00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:31,768

What the hell

is he talking about?!

00:21:31,792 --> 00:21:34,670

♪♪

00:22:10,789 --> 00:22:12,666

- Aah!

- I'm the Eyehole Man!

00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,501

What is going on? Aah!

00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,962

Give me my Eyeholes!

I'm Eyehole Man!

00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:18,645

That part of the cupboard

is mine, Jerry!

00:22:18,714 --> 00:22:20,215

Why do you even have those?!

00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:21,609

- Give me my Eyeholes!

- Help me, please!

00:22:21,633 --> 00:22:23,152

Get up on out of here

with my Eyeholes!

00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,096

Did you get any of that?

00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,181

It's-a good-a show!

00:00:06,550 --> 00:00:08,850

Слышишь меня, Джерри?

Всё будет хорошо.

00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:09,970

Оу!

00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,026

О, остерегайтесь этой фигни.

00:00:11,050 --> 00:00:12,446

Она оставит пятна, если попадёт на одежду

00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:14,326

и вызовет у вас

смертоносную ярость, если попадёт

00:00:14,350 --> 00:00:15,120

в глаза и рот.

00:00:15,121 --> 00:00:16,779

Почему ты хранил бактерии-мутанты

00:00:16,780 --> 00:00:18,409

в баночке с вишнёвым мороженым?

00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:20,326

Я знаю, что это не подходящее время,

но, знаешь, технически

00:00:20,350 --> 00:00:21,719

второй ящик холодильника мой.

00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,320

Теперь нет.

00:00:22,420 --> 00:00:23,320

Ты слишком остро реагируешь!

00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,050

Мы его теряем.

00:00:24,051 --> 00:00:25,691

Ладно, хорошо,

но не трогай мой контейнер.

00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:26,720

Он умрёт?

00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:27,350

Не волнуйся.

00:00:27,450 --> 00:00:29,620

Доктор Глип Глоп -

лучший в галактике.

00:00:30,070 --> 00:00:31,470

Здравствуйте, я - доктор Глип Глоп.

00:00:32,850 --> 00:00:34,300

О, Боже мой! О, Боже мой!

00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,600

Ааа!

00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:37,950

Что?

00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,246

Каждый госпиталь утверждает, что у них

00:00:39,270 --> 00:00:40,930

лучший доктор в галактике.

00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:42,339

Как в тех пиццериях,

00:00:42,340 --> 00:00:44,086

которые утверждают,

что у них лучшая пицца в мире.

00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:45,369

Ты думаешь

у них есть соревнования пицц?

00:00:45,370 --> 00:00:46,749

Ты когда-нибудь была

на соревновании пицц?

00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:48,300

Иди в зал ожидания, отец.

00:00:48,350 --> 00:00:49,350

Ладно!

00:00:50,470 --> 00:00:51,180

Простите.

00:00:51,220 --> 00:00:52,720

Дайте пройти.

Как ты сюда попал?

00:00:52,780 --> 00:00:54,010

Шучу. Мне без разницы.

00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:55,980

♪

00:00:56,250 --> 00:00:57,350

Да, так дело не пойдёт.

00:00:57,770 --> 00:00:59,419

Что Вы делаете?

00:00:59,420 --> 00:01:00,370

Продолжение.

00:01:00,371 --> 00:01:01,700

Я не понимаю.

00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:02,720

Да, я тоже.

00:01:02,770 --> 00:01:04,290

Мы вполне попали в точку

в прошлый раз.

00:01:04,660 --> 00:01:12,660

"Межпространственное Телевидение 2"

00:01:13,330 --> 00:01:14,330

Сучка!

00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:18,720

Перевод - savask, стили и тайминг -

alexeymil0, английские субтитры - kalkar

00:01:21,650 --> 00:01:23,120

О! О!

00:01:23,220 --> 00:01:24,220

Оу!

00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:28,240

"Человек против Машины,"

новейший телехит,

00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:30,109

где стравливают человека...

00:01:30,110 --> 00:01:30,550

Да!

00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:32,170

И машину.

00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:33,960

В сегодняшнем выпуске.

00:01:34,070 --> 00:01:36,135

Майкл Дженкинс борется

с обычной старой машиной.

00:01:37,750 --> 00:01:38,690

Так.

00:01:38,691 --> 00:01:40,200

О, он проталкивает себе дорогу.

00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:41,859

Он пытается сражаться с этой машиной,

00:01:41,860 --> 00:01:43,346

но похоже, что у машины

лидирующая позиция.

00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:46,199

О, у нас тут немного

пробуксовки.

00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,300

О, нет.

00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,539

Его переехали и зажевали шинами.

00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,220

Думаю, это ещё одно очко

в пользу машин.

00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,140

Аха-ха-ха.

00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,470

То есть,

разве машины не всегда побеждают?

00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:59,050

♪

00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,079

Саманта, я надеюсь,

00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,470

что ты понимаешь,

что у меня есть несколько глазниц.

00:02:05,420 --> 00:02:08,200

Я понимаю. Я знаю

про твои глазницы.

00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:10,600

Вот, посмотри на мои глазницы.

00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:14,730

О, Боже мой.

У тебя восемь глаз-з-ниц.

00:02:16,030 --> 00:02:18,029

О, я смотрю через твои глазницы.

00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:19,720

Да, смотри через мои глазницы.

00:02:26,010 --> 00:02:28,320

Я глазнице-мэн.

00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:31,370

Я - единственный,

кому можно иметь глазницы.

00:02:32,450 --> 00:02:36,270

Пошли ка вы отсюда

с моими глазницами.

00:02:36,370 --> 00:02:39,319

Глазницы. Купи их сегодня. Икея...

00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:40,376

Нужно быть осторожным, Морти.

00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,126

Если этот парень поймает тебя

с коробкой его глазниц,

00:02:42,150 --> 00:02:43,389

он влетит через окно

00:02:43,390 --> 00:02:45,050

и начнёт выбивать из тебя всё дерьмо.

00:02:45,070 --> 00:02:45,900

Но это стоит того.

00:02:46,070 --> 00:02:48,020

Они таят во рту, Морти.

Они восхитительны.

00:02:48,070 --> 00:02:50,296

Отец, я не могу поверить,

что ты объясняешь инопланетный завтрак.

00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:51,270

Мы волнуемся о Джерри.

00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:52,820

Ну, ты опоздала на 39 лет,

00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,320

или, знаешь, сколько ему там.

00:02:54,620 --> 00:02:55,570

Ему... ему 50?

00:02:55,620 --> 00:02:58,100

Господи Иисусе, Бетт, Джерри 50?

00:02:59,770 --> 00:03:01,270

Где я?

00:03:01,370 --> 00:03:04,109

Расслабьтесь, мистер Смит.

Вы в инопланетном госпитале.

00:03:04,110 --> 00:03:05,949

То есть, для Вас

это инопланетный госпиталь.

00:03:05,950 --> 00:03:07,379

Для меня, Вы в просто госпитале.

00:03:07,380 --> 00:03:09,326

Есть другой вопрос,

который мы хотим обсудить с вами.

00:03:09,350 --> 00:03:10,050

Ладно.

00:03:10,051 --> 00:03:12,120

Час назад, Шримпли Пибблс,

00:03:12,170 --> 00:03:15,000

наиболее влиятельный

правоборец в галактике,

00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,900

был доставлен в реанимацию этого госпиталя,

00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,460

где он сейчас борется за свою жизнь.

00:03:19,670 --> 00:03:20,350

Боже мой.

00:03:20,460 --> 00:03:22,650

Мистер Смит,

жизнь Шримпли Пибблса

00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:28,169

может быть спасена, если мы заменим

его сердце твоим человеческим пенисом.

00:03:28,170 --> 00:03:29,739

Ясно. Подождите, что?

00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:31,270

Это идеально.

00:03:31,370 --> 00:03:32,900

Конфигурация вен,

00:03:33,050 --> 00:03:35,439

отношение толщины

к эластичности,

00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,120

небольшая асимметрия того,

что вы называете яйца,

00:03:38,170 --> 00:03:40,320

и с относительно

небольшими изменениями,

00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,450

Ваши гениталии могут быть превращены

в работающее сердце

00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,319

для наиболее важного человека

во вселенной.

00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,409

Да, но... я хочу сказать...

00:03:47,410 --> 00:03:48,320

О, забудьте!

00:03:48,321 --> 00:03:50,220

Я говорил, что это - трата времени!

00:03:50,370 --> 00:03:51,659

Прояви уважение, Ярп.

00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:53,659

Мир этого землянина

мал и неразвит.

00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:56,099

Он ничего не знает

о геноциде Хлоргонов

00:03:56,100 --> 00:04:00,920

или о трагических событиях 65.3432.23/14.

00:04:01,070 --> 00:04:04,869

И даже если он знал,

он бы не понял их.

00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:07,110

Я жил среди людей.

00:04:07,270 --> 00:04:10,800

Вся их культура

построена вокруг их пенисов.

00:04:11,180 --> 00:04:13,450

Смешно, если сказать,

что они маленькие.

00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:15,470

Смешно, если сказать,

что они большие.

00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,100

Я был на вечеринках,

00:04:17,350 --> 00:04:21,319

где люди держали

бутылки, карандаши, термосы

00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,050

перед собой и кричали:

00:04:24,170 --> 00:04:27,420

"Эй, посмотрите.

Я мистер то-и-то-член.

00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:30,460

У меня то-и-то

вместо пениса."

00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:33,000

Я никогда не видел,

чтобы это не вызывало смех.

00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:34,320

Ладно! Хватит!

00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:36,270

Вы парни разговариваете

о моём виде.

00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:39,409

Мы понимаем геноцид.

Мы его иногда устраиваем.

00:04:39,410 --> 00:04:41,020

Тогда Вы отдадите свой член,

00:04:41,140 --> 00:04:42,589

чтобы Шримпли Пибблс мог выжить?

00:04:42,590 --> 00:04:43,590

Хватит спрашивать!

00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:44,750

Да, отдам!

00:04:44,850 --> 00:04:46,149

Правильно, ублюдки.

00:04:46,150 --> 00:04:48,450

Забирайте мой член.

Забирайте его полностью!

00:04:48,550 --> 00:04:49,770

И скажите Шримпли Пибблсу,

00:04:49,850 --> 00:04:51,389

что когда галактика нуждалась,

00:04:51,390 --> 00:04:53,670

Джерри Смит с Земли не дрогнул!

00:04:55,620 --> 00:04:57,270

А-ха-ха! Ха-ха-ха!

00:04:57,700 --> 00:04:59,170

Эй, что не так, Морти?

00:04:59,250 --> 00:05:01,050

О, ты волнуешься об отце, а?

00:05:01,150 --> 00:05:02,420

А? О, нет, нет, нет.

00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:04,000

Я просто... я просто смотрю

00:05:04,050 --> 00:05:05,729

на ту женщину вон там,

берущую кофе.

00:05:05,730 --> 00:05:06,899

Что с её лицом?

00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:09,070

Она человек, или она как Ворф?

00:05:09,250 --> 00:05:10,800

Знаешь,

Ворф из "Звёздного Пути",

00:05:10,870 --> 00:05:12,750

у которого вся эта фигня

на лице,

00:05:12,970 --> 00:05:15,250

но он - просто человек

в костюме, да?

00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,819

Морти, ээ, давай посмотрим,

что ещё передают, а?

00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:18,250

Ладно.

00:05:18,380 --> 00:05:20,679

А мы возвращаемся к

"Как я сюда попал?"

00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,119

Единственное шоу,

которое заставляет вас подумать,

00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,089

"Как я сюда попал?"

00:05:25,090 --> 00:05:26,219

Ха-ха-ха! Ха-ха!

00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:28,119

Вот наш первый гость.

00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,260

О. О, Боже мой.

00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:31,790

Как я сюда попала?

00:05:32,450 --> 00:05:33,450

Эй?!

00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,446

Как я сюда попала?!

Кто-нибудь, помогите мне, пожалуйста!

00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:37,920

Ха-ха-ха! Ха-ха! Ладно!

00:05:38,050 --> 00:05:40,570

Боже правый! Смотри, та женщина,

с фигнёй на лице

00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:43,170

как у Ворфа из "Звёздного Пути",

которая брала кофе!

00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,500

Как она туда попала?!

00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:46,609

О, Боже мой, Морти,

как она туда попала?

00:05:46,610 --> 00:05:49,520

Как она туда попала?

Хе-хе-хе.

00:05:49,570 --> 00:05:51,549

Это то, чем мы должны быть озабочены?

00:05:51,550 --> 00:05:53,250

Просто держитесь подальше

от кофе-машины.

00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,580

Вызываю всех

Янов Майклов Винсентов.

00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:58,819

Вызываю всех

Янов Майклов Винсентов.

00:05:58,820 --> 00:05:59,400

В мире,

00:05:59,550 --> 00:06:01,619

где есть восемь

Янов Майклов Винсентов...

00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:03,500

Нам нужен один Ян Майкл Винсент

00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:04,720

в зону С.

00:06:04,850 --> 00:06:07,390

Нам нужно два Яна Майкла Винсента

в зону E.

00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,959

И 16 зон,

00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,229

времени достаточно только

чтобы один Ян Майкл Винсент

00:06:12,230 --> 00:06:13,970

добрался до зоны.

00:06:14,270 --> 00:06:16,500

Он не может быть

в двух одновременно.

00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,969

Эй, Рик, кто...

кто такой Ян Майкл Винсент?

00:06:18,970 --> 00:06:19,820

О, Боже.

00:06:19,850 --> 00:06:20,930

Я пытаюсь вспомнить, Морти.

00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,170

Янов Майклов Винсентов

используют.

00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,900

Нам нужен чёртов

Ян Майкл Винсент.

00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:30,450

Это важно знать, кем был Ян Майкл Винсент,

00:06:30,570 --> 00:06:31,750

чтобы понять это?

00:06:30,950 --> 00:06:31,750

Нет.

00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:35,169

Я-я отказываюсь утверждать

указ, позволяющий

00:06:35,170 --> 00:06:37,319

иметь больше восьми

Янов Майклов Винсентов

00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,329

на округ.

00:06:38,330 --> 00:06:40,490

Этим ян-варём,

00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:43,830

время замайклить

своих винсентов.

00:06:44,550 --> 00:06:47,450

"Ян зона Винсент 16"

00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:48,570

- Воу!

- Воу!

00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:49,720

Это Ян Майклс.

00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,970

Извините, сестра,

не могли бы Вы снять мою температуру,

00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:53,146

потому, что я думаю, что у меня

00:06:53,170 --> 00:06:56,170

Ян-зона-Винсент-лихорадка.

00:06:56,220 --> 00:06:57,920

Да, Морти!

Ты сделал это.

00:06:58,180 --> 00:07:01,349

Так, мы отделим

Ваш половой орган от основания

00:07:01,350 --> 00:07:03,750

с помощью разрезов

тут, тут и тут.

00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:04,520

Понял.

00:07:04,521 --> 00:07:06,720

Оставляя немного длины

разъединённой уретры,

00:07:06,770 --> 00:07:07,670

чтобы провести через...

00:07:07,670 --> 00:07:08,390

А-ха-ха!

00:07:08,391 --> 00:07:11,000

Ой, знаете что, я тут понял...

Я посмеялся над собой.

00:07:11,070 --> 00:07:13,029

Я немного смеюсь над собой

00:07:13,030 --> 00:07:15,250

потому, что я только что понял,

что не посоветовался

00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:16,476

с женой, на счёт этого всего.

00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:18,520

О. как Вы думаете,

она не будет против?

00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:19,300

О, точно нет.

00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,850

Бетт автоматически всегда за

00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:23,400

все мои решения.

00:07:24,170 --> 00:07:25,539

Эй, я - воришка.

00:07:25,540 --> 00:07:28,249

Проследуйте за мной в моём приключении

в офисе.

00:07:28,250 --> 00:07:28,250

♪ Приключения воришки ♪

00:07:28,251 --> 00:07:30,340

♪ Приключения воришки ♪

00:07:30,370 --> 00:07:31,020

Ясно, ага.

00:07:31,070 --> 00:07:33,420

Мы просто украдём пару вещиц.

00:07:34,050 --> 00:07:35,419

Извините. Как я могу помочь?

00:07:35,420 --> 00:07:37,620

Начиная с обычных офисных вещей.

00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,149

Эй, эй, эй! Это мои вещи!

00:07:39,150 --> 00:07:40,750

Таких как степплеров и булавок

00:07:40,870 --> 00:07:42,950

и всяких других штук, как...

как это.

00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,320

Всё.

Я вызываю охранников.

00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,050

Нет! Ммммм

00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,730

♪

00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:54,000

Всё, ладно,

теперь мы в тихой безопасной комнате,

00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:56,269

где никто из людей,

чьи вещи я украл,

00:07:56,270 --> 00:07:57,420

сможет до нас добраться.

00:07:57,570 --> 00:07:59,570

Теперь, давайте посмотрим

на наши вещи.

00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:02,120

У нас пакетик боббишей.

00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,250

Это - восемь брапплсов.

00:08:04,780 --> 00:08:06,200

Тут пламбас.

00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,700

Это - 6 с половиной брапплсов.

00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,270

Тут у нас, ээ...

скомканные красные стаканчики.

00:08:12,590 --> 00:08:14,920

15 с половиной брапплсов.

00:08:16,350 --> 00:08:18,030

Добро пожаловать назад на "Весёлые Песни".

00:08:18,070 --> 00:08:20,090

Всё сымпровизировано.

Это очень смешно.

00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,820

Мне нужен доброволец из зала.

00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,250

Эм, давний фанат

шоу. Эм...

00:08:25,350 --> 00:08:27,020

Чем вы занимаетесь?

Какая у вас профессия?

00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:29,100

Я - специалист по налогам.

00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,550

Ладно, ясно.

В-включайте музыку.

00:08:31,870 --> 00:08:33,109

♪

00:08:33,110 --> 00:08:35,250

♪ Я - специалист по налогам ♪

00:08:35,310 --> 00:08:36,800

♪ О, Боже, о ♪

00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,420

♪ Забудьте о всём другом ♪

00:08:39,150 --> 00:08:40,820

♪ Забудьте о Иисусе Христе ♪

00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:42,450

♪ Забудьте о Муххамеде ♪

00:08:42,550 --> 00:08:46,250

♪ Забудьте о, эм...

всех этих религиях ♪

00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,270

♪ Па-да-па-па-па-да-па! ♪

00:08:49,420 --> 00:08:50,300

Конец.

00:08:50,390 --> 00:08:53,250

О, Боже мой.

О, это было так, так смешно.

00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:53,750

Спасибо.

00:08:53,770 --> 00:08:54,370

Всегда пожалуйста.

00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,320

Эй, эм, охрана, выпроводите его.

00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:57,270

Выпроводите его.

00:08:56,630 --> 00:08:57,270

Что?

00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,700

Выпроводите ортодонта отсюда.

00:08:58,770 --> 00:08:59,770

Нет! Почему?

00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,939

Вынесите его из зала.

Убейте его. Взять его.

00:09:03,940 --> 00:09:04,940

Демоны...

00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,370

Высосите всю его жизнь.

00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:07,900

Мне пофигу.

00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:08,940

Семья Смит?

00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:08,940

Да?

00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:12,020

Хотел вам сказать,

что с Джерри всё хорошо.

00:09:12,070 --> 00:09:13,980

- Ей! Знал это! - Ву-ху!

- Да!

00:09:13,981 --> 00:09:14,770

Это хорошие новости!

00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:16,920

Но, эм,

миссис Смит, не могли бы Вы пройти со мной?

00:09:18,270 --> 00:09:20,250

Привет, дорогая,

ну, тут такое дело...

00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,800

Эти парни...

Они хотят полностью

00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:24,740

убрать мой член и использовать его

в качестве сердца для инопланетянина.

00:09:24,770 --> 00:09:27,220

И нам нужна ты,

чтобы одобрить это.

00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:27,970

Что?!

00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:28,660

О-оу.

00:09:28,661 --> 00:09:31,869

Может, в конце концов,

у нас тут проблема, парни. Ой.

00:09:31,870 --> 00:09:35,550

Его пенис будет заменён

сложным протезом.

00:09:35,570 --> 00:09:38,100

Сейчас есть большое количество

опций, из которых можно выбирать.

00:09:38,170 --> 00:09:39,250

Они все - в этом каталоге.

00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:41,850

Мне без разницы на протезы.

Это безумство.

00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,280

Что по вашему вы делаете?

00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:45,200

Я понимаю Ваши чувства,

миссис Смит.

00:09:45,220 --> 00:09:46,220

О, я так не думаю.

00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,420

Я доставляю своего мужа в неотложку.

00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:49,520

Его нет час.

00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:53,250

И теперь вы хотите его член

и даёте мне какой-то каталог.

00:09:53,350 --> 00:09:54,889

Это... это...

это... это... то есть...

00:09:54,890 --> 00:09:55,420

Фуф.

00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:57,450

Ну, вот так вот. Извините.

00:09:57,570 --> 00:10:01,500

Я знаю, это тяжело понять,

но на Земле, любовь превыше всего.

00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,900

Есть те, кто верят, мистер Смит,

00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:07,050

что Шримпли Пибблс представляет собой

любовь между всеми живыми существами.

00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,869

От его судьбы зависят

00:10:08,870 --> 00:10:11,800

судьбы сотен миллиардов

разумных форм жизни.

00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:15,310

Воу! Воу.

То есть, миллиардов форм жизни?

00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,400

Сотен миллиардов.

00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,450

То есть, Джерри,

т-ты не объяснил

00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,520

всю значимость ситуации.

00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,750

Эм, ну, Бетт,

я не думаю, что твоё решение

00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,400

должно основываться на политике.

00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,620

Кто будет спорить

с решением жены

00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,389

оставить достоинство её любимого?

00:10:30,390 --> 00:10:33,070

Ну, я не думаю,

что это вообще честно, Джерри. Вообще.

00:10:33,170 --> 00:10:36,000

На самом деле, вся эта парадигма

имеет сексистские нотки.

00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:38,170

Бетт, можем мы поговорить

об этом наедине?

00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,176

Знаешь, я думаю,

что основной момент в том, Джерри,

00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,650

что если ты хочешь сохранить свой пенис,

ты должен сказать вслух:

00:10:43,750 --> 00:10:45,650

"Я предпочитаю оставить свой пенис".

00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,450

Но, Бетт, какой мужчина

скажет такое,

00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,400

если вселенная нуждается

в его члене?!

00:10:50,470 --> 00:10:52,720

Ну, Джерри,

какой женой я бы была,

00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,020

если бы я как-нибудь тебе перечила?

00:11:00,190 --> 00:11:01,190

Эй, слушайте,

00:11:01,220 --> 00:11:02,420

Ваш рот крошечный и маленький?

00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,146

Тогда почему бы вам не

прийти в "маленькие кусочки"

00:11:04,170 --> 00:11:05,050

Маленькие кусочки!

00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:06,600

Где еда маленькая.

00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:09,120

Она выглядит как обычная еда,

но очень маленькая.

00:11:09,170 --> 00:11:10,626

Вы можете положить её себе в рот

и есть её.

00:11:10,650 --> 00:11:12,010

Ничего не застрянет в Ваших губах.

00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,980

Она просто маленькая и маленькая

и помещается...

00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:15,169

помещается прямо вовнутрь.

00:11:15,170 --> 00:11:16,170

Маленькие кусочки!

00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:20,100

У нас есть маленькая лазанья,

маленькая пицца, маленький пирог.

00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,200

Ммм! Крохотные, маленькие жареные яйца.

00:11:23,420 --> 00:11:25,920

О, чёрт. У нас маленькие люди.

00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,200

Маленькие кусочки!

00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:28,570

Вы голодны? Приходите.

00:11:28,670 --> 00:11:29,670

Маленькие кусочки.

00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,800

Съешь немного грёбанного

дерьма, ты, тупая сука.

00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:34,320

Хе-хе-хе. Просто прикалываюсь.

00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,650

У Вас есть время

перед операцией,

00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,620

так что я предполагаю,

что Вам захочется, э,

00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,000

попользоваться Вашим

пенисом в последний раз.

00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:42,120

Вот - мой компьютер.

00:11:42,150 --> 00:11:43,650

Тут есть инопланетный Интернет.

00:11:45,150 --> 00:11:46,470

Вот - порно.

00:11:46,670 --> 00:11:47,910

И вот - инопланетное полотенце.

00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,746

Я в действительности достал его

на другой планете.

00:11:49,770 --> 00:11:51,046

Так что это - инопланетное

полотенце для меня.

00:11:51,070 --> 00:11:52,270

Удачи.

00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:52,700

Спасибо.

00:11:55,220 --> 00:11:56,950

Эх.

00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:03,620

Что это?

00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:06,670

Хмм.

00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:07,550

Эй, погодите.

00:12:07,650 --> 00:12:09,270

О, э, мистер Смит?

00:12:09,370 --> 00:12:10,950

Э, да, просто мастурбирую!

00:12:11,350 --> 00:12:12,350

Я забыл упомянуть,

00:12:12,420 --> 00:12:14,870

там есть большие медицинские

записи на моём рабочем столе,

00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,100

и я доверяю Вам

ограничить свою активность

00:12:17,220 --> 00:12:18,669

чисто порнографической.

00:12:18,670 --> 00:12:19,620

Без сомнения!

00:12:19,670 --> 00:12:20,670

Удачи.

00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:24,850

Боже мой!

00:12:25,670 --> 00:12:28,609

Мистер Пибблс,

вы только что выписали моему пенису

00:12:28,610 --> 00:12:31,120

билет в один конец,

чтобы остаться в моём теле.

00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:35,400

Противоположные новости

с Майклом Томпсоном.

00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,500

Эй, все.

Это я, Майкл Томпсон.

00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:40,450

Сегодня поп не был убит.

00:12:40,570 --> 00:12:44,159

У него всё в порядке.

И он в отпуске в Арубе.

00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,899

В других противоположных новостях,

информация...

00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,220

Эй, Рик,

что такое с этим парнем?

00:12:47,270 --> 00:12:49,700

П-почему его тело, типа, наклоняется

00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,169

к правой части экрана?

00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:53,276

Я не знаю, Морти.

Посмотрим, что там еще показывают, а?

00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:54,969

Эй, добро пожаловать

на "Готовим всячину".

00:12:54,970 --> 00:12:56,400

Я Пайкл Томпсон.

00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:57,500

Эй, погоди, Рик.

00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,300

У этого парня тело,

типа, отклоняется вниз

00:12:59,350 --> 00:13:00,570

и идёт в левую часть экрана.

00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:02,370

О, Боже мой, и его имя Пайкл.

00:13:02,550 --> 00:13:03,750

Я приготовлю немного этого.

00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:05,000

Я приготовлю немного этого.

00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:08,620

О, о, эй!

Не тащи, Майкл!

00:13:08,670 --> 00:13:10,600

О, Боже мой! Сиамские близнецы!

00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:11,950

Они...

они - сиамские близнецы!

00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:14,150

Ты прекращай тащить.

Я-я в середине моих новостей.

00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,120

О, о, это всегда про тебя,

не так ли?

00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:18,046

Вы можете поверить этому парню,

дамы и господа?

00:13:18,070 --> 00:13:20,350

У него своё новостное шоу.

У него нормальное имя.

00:13:20,420 --> 00:13:22,300

Эй, переключи назад на новости.

00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:22,300

О, да, да, да.

00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,846

Легко определить, что наши родители

начали придумывать нам имена с него.

00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,229

Вроде: "О, Майкл".

00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:27,700

Готов поспорить, это было запланировано

00:13:27,670 --> 00:13:29,030

ещё до того, как они зачали ребёнка.

00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,270

Не хочу быть занудой,

00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:31,870

но может было бы меньше споров,

00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:33,546

если бы они не снимали свои шоу

в одно и то же время.

00:13:33,570 --> 00:13:34,850

О, Саммер, ты не представляешь,

00:13:34,950 --> 00:13:36,350

сколько денег

это может сэкономить.

00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,976

А потом они обнаружили,

что я прикреплён,

00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,820

и они сказали: "Ах, чёрт.

00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,100

Ну, по фигу,

назовём его Пайкл."

00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:44,849

Пошёл в ****у, Пайкл.

Ты - чёртов кусок дерьма.

00:13:44,850 --> 00:13:46,250

♪

00:13:46,370 --> 00:13:47,650

Добрый вечер.

00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:49,500

Я знаю, вам всем интересно

00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:52,550

состояние

нашего дорогого, любимого Пибблса.

00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:55,670

Что бы ты предпочёл из

XP-20 и XP-20 XS?

00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:58,870

Я предпочитаю свой пенис,

как и тебе следовало бы!

00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:01,000

Храбрый землянин, чья жертва

00:14:01,050 --> 00:14:03,550

позволит Шримпли Пибблсу жить...

00:14:03,650 --> 00:14:05,800

Мистер Джерри Смит.

00:14:06,050 --> 00:14:07,470

Здравствуйте, все!

00:14:08,070 --> 00:14:10,400

Поаплодируем ещё раз

для Шримпли Пибблса, а?

00:14:10,470 --> 00:14:12,250

Он хороший парень, не так ли?

00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:15,200

Я только недавно узнал

о его достижениях,

00:14:15,270 --> 00:14:17,300

начиная с его марша

на площади Флёрк Блёрк

00:14:17,350 --> 00:14:19,970

и заканчивая его текущей

борьбой с героиновой зависимостью.

00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:21,100

Он - лучший.

00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,520

Эм, да.

00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:29,770

Ну, мне кажется,

что его героиновая зависимость

00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,250

не была известна общественности.

00:14:32,730 --> 00:14:36,720

Вы понимаете, что героин составляет

10% атмосферы

00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:38,170

на родной планете

Шримпли Пибблса.

00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:40,900

Его планета была уничтожена

отрядами смерти Хлоргонов.

00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:43,470

Он не может жить вне её

не вдыхая героин.

00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,409

Ясно. Я знаю это.

Я просто думаю...

00:14:46,410 --> 00:14:49,600

Этот парень хочет избежать

донорства своего члена!

00:14:54,670 --> 00:14:56,120

Сегодня в "Как это сделано"

00:14:56,220 --> 00:14:57,400

Пламбусы.

00:14:57,550 --> 00:14:59,770

У всех есть пламбус в доме.

00:15:01,370 --> 00:15:03,520

Сначала, они берут динглбоп

00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:07,100

и разглаживают его

с помощью шлима.

00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:12,070

Шлим потом используется

для следующих партий.

00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:13,420

Они берут динглбоп

00:15:13,550 --> 00:15:15,220

и вдавливают его через грумбо,

00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:17,550

где он потом трётся о флиб.

00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,500

Важно, что флиб натирают,

00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,620

ведь в флибе

содержится сок флиба.

00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,920

Потом появляется шлами,

00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,500

который натирает это и плюёт на него.

00:15:28,350 --> 00:15:29,970

Они режут флиб.

00:15:30,050 --> 00:15:32,120

Есть несколько опасных моментов

в этом деле.

00:15:32,270 --> 00:15:35,020

Бламфсы трут чамблсы.

00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:38,820

И плубис и грумбо срезаются.

00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:42,500

Это даёт Вам

старый добрый пламбус.

00:15:42,820 --> 00:15:45,520

Мне всегда было интересно как,

э, делают пламбусы.

00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:49,300

Эй, добро пожаловать назад

на "Персональное Пространство".

00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:51,270

Я - Ваш ведущий Филлип Джейкобс,

00:15:51,370 --> 00:15:54,570

и позвольте мне поведать вам, как мне

важно моё персональное пространство.

00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,470

Воу, воу. Эй.

Кто рядом со мной?

00:15:57,550 --> 00:15:58,670

Кто рядом со мной?

00:15:59,870 --> 00:16:03,489

Теперь, почему бы нам не подняться сюда,

активизироваться

00:16:03,490 --> 00:16:06,200

и посмотреть

немного шагового персонального пространства

00:16:06,250 --> 00:16:07,250

тут.

00:16:07,950 --> 00:16:08,750

Поехали.

00:16:08,970 --> 00:16:10,820

Один, персональное пространство.

00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:12,650

Два, персональное пространство.

00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:15,370

Три, держись подальше от моего

персонального пространства.

00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:17,776

Четыре, держись подальше

от моего персонального пространства.

00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:18,400

Пять...

00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:20,296

Уходи из этого персонального пространства.

00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:21,320

Шесть...

00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,176

Держись в стороне

от моего персонального пространства.

00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,200

Семь...

00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,326

Держись в стороне

от этого персонального пространства.

00:16:26,350 --> 00:16:28,450

Восемь, персональное пространство.

00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,800

Девять, персональное пространство.

00:16:31,070 --> 00:16:34,270

Знаете, я отношусь к персональному

пространству довольно серьёзно,

00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,620

настолько, что меня не

интересует это...

00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,800

Я даже не заинтересован

в ношении этой кожи

00:16:39,870 --> 00:16:41,600

на моём персональном пространстве.

00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:43,950

О, Боже мой!

00:16:45,970 --> 00:16:48,100

О, это больно!

00:16:48,450 --> 00:16:49,550

Отвратительно!

00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:50,650

Ха-ха!

Что за говнюк!

00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,470

Ох, смотрите нас на следующей неделе...

00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:54,646

Лучшее шоу из когда либо созданных,

00:16:54,670 --> 00:16:56,500

шоу,

которое мы все поддерживаем и любим...

00:16:56,670 --> 00:16:58,170

"Шоу Персонального Пространства".

00:16:58,270 --> 00:17:00,346

Больше "Персонального Пространства"

в следующий вторник в 8:00.

00:17:00,370 --> 00:17:01,770

Дальше, ситуация накаляется

00:17:01,850 --> 00:17:04,470

у Саманты и мальчиков

в "Нордсайдерах".

00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,920

Не могли бы вы все перестать

кричать и скандировать

00:17:26,950 --> 00:17:28,850

и показывать тот жест,

что бы он не значил...

00:17:28,970 --> 00:17:29,970

Извините. Пошёл.

00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:33,150

Пожалуйста, все. У меня есть новости

о Шримпли Пибблсе.

00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,570

Молва о Джерри Смите,

00:17:35,650 --> 00:17:37,700

пытающемся выкрутиться

и не отдавать свой пенис,

00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:39,370

пересекла всю галактику.

00:17:39,450 --> 00:17:41,870

Создания повсюду объединились,

00:17:41,970 --> 00:17:45,600

чтобы предложить то немногое, что они могут

сделать, чтобы спасти жизнь Шримпли.

00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:50,100

Достаточно, чтобы оплатить новейшее

современное синтетическое сердце,

00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,669

которое будет даже лучше,

чем жалкий пенис мистера Смита.

00:17:53,670 --> 00:17:56,000

Подожди! Был такой вариант

всё это время?!

00:17:56,050 --> 00:17:57,320

Вы - отстой!

00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,020

Да. Мы отстой.

А Вы ещё здесь?

00:18:00,050 --> 00:18:01,800

Ладно, Джерри. Идём домой.

00:18:01,820 --> 00:18:03,770

Я не могу уйти сейчас.

Все меня ненавидят.

00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,270

К сожалению,

нет хирургической операции,

00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,560

которая могла бы это исправить.

00:18:09,070 --> 00:18:11,100

Или есть?

00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:13,270

Скальпель.

00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:13,970

Скальпель.

00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:14,750

Нано-доктор.

00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:15,800

Нано-доктор

00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:16,800

Нано-скальпель.

00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:17,990

Нано-скальпель.

00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,050

Ладно. Мы готовы.

00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,600

Не так быстро!

00:18:21,770 --> 00:18:23,650

Мистер Смит? Что вы делаете?

Вы сошли с ума?!

00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:24,700

Я - хороший человек,

00:18:25,050 --> 00:18:27,770

и я требую,

чтобы вы отрезали мой член

00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,250

и засунули его в грудную клетку того парня.

00:18:30,350 --> 00:18:31,450

Это так не работает!

00:18:31,620 --> 00:18:33,270

Ну, вы заставите это работать.

00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:42,210

Я - человек-осьминог! Ха-ха-ха-ха!

00:18:42,770 --> 00:18:45,270

Я - человек-осьминог! Ха-ха-ха-ха!

00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:49,999

Я - морской биолог,

которого укусил осьминог.

00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,400

Ха-ха.

00:18:52,620 --> 00:18:55,000

И теперь я... я помогаю людям.

00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:56,200

Я спасаю людей.

00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:59,070

Я - проблемный

человек-осьминог.

00:18:59,150 --> 00:19:00,170

О-оу.

00:19:00,270 --> 00:19:01,870

Нужно предотвратить беду,

00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,450

ведь у меня тут

проблемный хлопец.

00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:07,000

Отвратительно!

00:19:07,170 --> 00:19:08,600

Всё межпространственное телевидение

00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:10,579

полагается на детское насилие?

00:19:10,580 --> 00:19:12,540

Ну, Саммер,

может люди, которые создают что-то

00:19:12,550 --> 00:19:13,300

не осведомлены

00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,219

о твоих тонких

чувствах, понимаешь?

00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:17,419

Может виды,

которые общаются друг с другом

00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:18,949

через фильтр твоего комфорта

00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:21,089

менее эволюционированны, чем

те, что просто общаются!

00:19:21,090 --> 00:19:22,850

Может твои проблемы -

твоё собственное дело,

00:19:22,950 --> 00:19:24,830

и может общество, не забивающее

не твои чувства,

00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:26,199

это билет в один конец к вымиранию!

00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,200

Боже, Морти.

00:19:27,350 --> 00:19:30,150

Бьюсь об заклад, Кэтрин Хэфлфингер

тебе ещё не ответила.

00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:31,340

Я не хочу говорить об этом.

00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:32,400

Ладно, парни, идём домой.

00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:33,120

Где папа?

00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:33,920

Экстренные новости.

00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,700

Шримпли Пибблс

находится в заложниках

00:19:35,850 --> 00:19:37,470

у человека,

известного как Джерри Смит.

00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:38,700

Удалите мой пенис!

00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:39,750

Боже мой!

00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:40,926

Всё в нормально. Всё в порядке.

00:19:40,950 --> 00:19:42,750

Это должно быть

альтернативная реальность, да?

00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,769

Ты уверен?

00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:45,770

Я не знаю.

00:19:45,950 --> 00:19:47,000

Делай! Делай!

00:19:47,070 --> 00:19:48,370

Удалите мой член!

00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:50,150

Сэр, положите оружие на пол

00:19:50,220 --> 00:19:52,100

и отойдите от мистера Пибблса!

00:19:52,220 --> 00:19:52,770

Джерри!

00:19:52,770 --> 00:19:53,770

Папа, что ты делаешь?!

00:19:53,870 --> 00:19:56,000

Я - хороший человек.

Я - хороший человек.

00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:57,900

Где ты достал пистолет?

Кто дал ему пистолет?

00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:00,350

Это не пистолет.

Это - XP-20 XS.

00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:02,520

А!

00:20:07,630 --> 00:20:08,420

О, Боже мой.

00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:09,520

Я - хороший человек.

00:20:09,620 --> 00:20:14,070

Аааааа!

00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:16,650

ОО!

00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:17,750

Нет!

00:20:17,820 --> 00:20:19,920

Неееет!

00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:27,790

Аааа!

00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:28,920

Эй, как дела?

00:20:28,970 --> 00:20:31,250

Это мой

жопский ларёк с мороженым.

00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,950

У меня есть все виды мороженого...

Арахисовое и желейное...

00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,100

...ванильное...

00:20:35,370 --> 00:20:36,420

...шоколадное...

00:20:36,570 --> 00:20:37,820

...Все вкусы

00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,250

подаются из задницы...

00:20:39,830 --> 00:20:41,600

прямо как дома.

00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:42,100

- Папа!

- Папа!

00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,900

Что случилось? Где я?

00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:45,870

Это всё был сон?

00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:47,800

Нет, в тебя выстрелили,

типа, 50 раз.

00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,350

57. К счастью,

ты в супер-навороченном

00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:51,650

инопланетном госпитале,

00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,870

так что, грубо говоря, это

было, как вытащить занозу.

00:20:53,970 --> 00:20:56,120

Всё... всё, что я хотел,

это чтобы я всем нравился.

00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,520

Джерри, помнишь тот раз,

когда ты оставил комментарий

00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,420

под тем видео на ютубе,

и кто-то ответил

00:21:00,450 --> 00:21:02,319

и назвал тебя дебилом,

а ты ответил и сказал,

00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,559

что "чья бы корова мычала",

и ты остался на ночь

00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,059

нажимать на "обновить"

в своём браузере,

00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:07,776

ожидая, что тебе ответят,

а потом заснул рыдая?

00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,050

Я помню это иначе.

00:21:09,150 --> 00:21:11,720

Это - то же самое.

Ты не можешь заставить людей любить тебя.

00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:14,330

Тебе просто приходится ждать,

пока им не надоест ненавидеть тебя.

00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:16,000

Знаешь, ты права.

00:21:16,070 --> 00:21:17,200

Я не должен быть мотивирован

00:21:17,220 --> 00:21:18,620

мнениями других людей обо мне.

00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:19,670

Ладно, все, пойдём домой.

00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:21,420

Если тебе без разницы, Рик,

00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:22,750

я бы хотел пойти в зоопарк...

00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:24,499

Со своей семьёй!

00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:25,150

Что?!

00:21:25,220 --> 00:21:27,050

- О чём ты говоришь?!

- Почему мы будем это делать?!

00:21:27,053 --> 00:21:28,776

- Это тупая идея! Что с тобой!?

- Не будь куском дерьма, Джерри!

00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,569

Ладно, мне жаль. Мне жаль. Мы пойдём домой.

00:21:30,570 --> 00:21:31,800

О чём он вообще?!

00:21:32,550 --> 00:21:35,750

♪

00:22:11,590 --> 00:22:12,620

Ааа!

00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:13,570

Я - глазнице-мэн!

00:22:13,620 --> 00:22:14,649

Что происходит? Ааа!

00:22:14,650 --> 00:22:16,900

Отдай мне мои глазницы!

Отдай мне мои глазницы!

00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,226

- Эта часть шкафчика моя, Джерри!

- Отдай глазницы! Я - глазнизе-мэн!

00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:20,650

Почему у тебя вообще они есть?!

00:22:20,750 --> 00:22:21,769

Помогите мне, пожалуйста!

00:22:21,770 --> 00:22:23,309

Проваливай с моими глазницами!

00:22:23,310 --> 00:22:24,859

О, Боже м...!

00:22:24,860 --> 00:22:26,359

Ты что-нибудь понял?

00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,360

Это хорошее шоу!