Скандалы, Рик и расследования

00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:07,173

Oh, my god. No. No.

00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,175

- I told you.

- Hold on.

00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,177

Will you please...

00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:12,970

not marry me?

I chose Veronica.

00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:14,222

- What?!

- Yes!

00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:16,224

- Hold it.

- Why would he chose Veronica?

00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,892

Because he loves her?

00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,310

Well, if it's any

consolation, Summer,

00:00:19,395 --> 00:00:21,145

none of it mattered

and the entire show was stupid.

00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,605

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.

00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,607

You show us your concept

of good TV,

00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,526

and we'll crap all over that.

00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:29,195

Thought you'd never ask.

00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,446

Hey.

00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,448

Oh, cool. ls that

crystallized xanthanite?

00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,409

It conducts electrons

across dimensions.

00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:36,327

20% accurate as usual, Morty.

00:00:36,412 --> 00:00:37,829

The important thing being,

00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:39,789

I just upgraded

our cable package

00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,041

with programing from every

conceivable reality.

00:00:42,126 --> 00:00:43,626

Wait. Does that mean

we get Showtime Extreme?

00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,420

How about Showtime Extreme

in a world

00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:47,088

where man evolved from corn?

00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:49,132

We're not so different.

We're both corn of action.

00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,134

Yeah, but one of us

is dead corn!

00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,510

Boring.

00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,554

Summer you just

spent three months

00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,472

watching a man

choose a fake wife.

00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,477

So, what, it'd be better

if the people were corn?

00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,101

Jerry, you don't get it.

00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:03,354

This is infinite TV

from infinite universes.

00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,148

Look.

- This shit is delicious.

00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:08,192

A movie about a guy eating shit.

00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,236

A violent antique show.

00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,654

It's a pleasure to have you.

00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,573

The pleasure's all mine.

00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:15,658

Letterman from a timeline

where Jerry's famous.

00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,368

- Wait!

- What in the hell?

00:01:17,453 --> 00:01:18,995

I agree. Where is this going?

00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,580

No, the other thing!

Go back.

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Really? All right, fine.

00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,625

Glen, this court order says

you can't eat shit anymore.

00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:26,627

- All right, Jerry.

00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:28,463

When you're right, you're right.

00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:29,839

Now I'm hooked.

00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,748

Coming up next on

"Shmloo's the Shmloss,"

00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,374

Shmlony has a nightmare.

00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,419

- Shmlantha! Shmlona!

- Amazing... a dimension

00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:10,421

where all proper nouns

begin with "Shmla."

00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:12,924

Shmla... Shmlangela?

00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:14,592

Shmlonathan?

00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,886

All right, that actually

got old pretty quick.

00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,429

Rick!

00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:20,681

Will you please go back

to me on "David Letterman"?

00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,433

Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

00:02:22,518 --> 00:02:23,935

I don't remember the channel.

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Ah! Go back! Go back!

00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:28,022

- Geez.

- You speak the true-true.

00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:30,358

Oh, my god.

Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"!

00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:33,152

I'm in "Cloud Atlas"!

What's "Cloud Atlas"?

00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,779

Sometimes,

small true-true

00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,781

different than

the big true-true.

00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,324

How is this possible?

00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,618

Infinite timelines,

infinite possibilities,

00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,582

including a timeline

where Jerry's a movie star.

00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,163

Look, you guys are

getting excited

00:02:44,248 --> 00:02:45,915

about the wrong aspect

of this device.

00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,583

Wha... look at this.

00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,253

And now, another quick mystery.

00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,097

I just want to know who

could have done this.

00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,090

It's a travesty.

- I did.

00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,508

See this knife

and all the blood on it?

00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:56,801

Here's my fingerprints.

00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,178

Guilty. I sentence you

to life in prison.

00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:00,763

Here's another quick mystery.

00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,765

- My mother's dead.

- And I killed her.

00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,475

Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:05,768

Thank you very much.

00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,395

Guilty.

Sentenced to murder.

00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,773

- Here's another.

- I'm the killer.

00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,442

Oh, wow, that one was

really quick, wasn't it?

00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,987

Now, who wants to watch

random, crazy TV shows

00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:18,239

from different dimensions,

and... and then who wants

00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,825

to narcissistically obsess

about their alternate selves?

00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:23,494

I want to obsess about myself.

00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:25,496

Here, these scan

your retinas

00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,498

and let you view

parallel timelines

00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,375

through genetically matching

versions of your eyes.

00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:30,459

Go fetch.

00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,336

- This is so cool.

- Ladies first.

00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:33,546

I'm proud of you, Morty.

00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,673

Hey, man, I don't give

a crap about myself, Rick.

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Let's watch some

crazy stuff, yo.

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I'm Ants in My Eyes Johnson,

00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:41,262

here at Ants in My Eyes

Johnson's electronics.

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I mean, there's so many ants

in my eyes.

00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:46,392

And there's so many TVs,

microwaves, radios, I think.

00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:49,687

I can't... I'm not 100% sure

what we have here in stock

00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:51,397

because I can't see anything.

00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:54,233

Our prices, I hope,

aren't too low.

00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:56,903

Check out this refrigerator,

only $200.

00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,779

What about this microwave?

Only $100.

00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:00,406

That's fair.

00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,867

I'm Ants in My Eyes Johnson.

Everything's black.

00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:04,327

I can't see a thing.

00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,329

And also, I can't feel

anything, either.

00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,455

Did I mention that?

00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:10,041

But that's not as catchy as

having ants in your eyes,

00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:12,668

so that always goes, you know,

off by the wayside.

00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,837

I can't feel.

It's a very rare disease.

00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,547

All my... all my nerves,

00:04:16,632 --> 00:04:18,883

they don't allow

for the sensation of touch,

00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,843

so I never know what's going on.

00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,845

Am I standing, sitting?

I don't know.

00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,389

Are we sure we wanna look

at our own alternate lives?

00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,725

You're right. Maybe we should

just play Yahtzee.

00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,852

Give me those.

00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:30,937

What do you see?

00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:33,940

Whiteness...

pure whiteness.

00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,610

You're my best friend,

Jerry Smith.

00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,070

I love doing cocaine with you.

00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:42,156

Whoa, I love doing cocaine

with you, too, Johnny Depp.

00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,242

Haven't we spent

enough time on you?

00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:47,995

I'm performing surgery...

00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,997

but not on a horse...

on a human.

00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:51,624

That's great, Beth.

00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,876

You always wanted to be

a real surgeon.

00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,878

I am a real surgeon.

00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,588

Uh... Summer's turn.

00:04:57,673 --> 00:04:59,590

Finally.

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I don't see anything.

00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:03,344

Well, you should select

a different timeline.

00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:05,348

I mean, if your father and I

achieved our dreams,

00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,847

there's a chance

you weren't even born.

00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,350

That came out wrong.

That came out very wrong.

00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,937

Fine. I'll find a world where

you bothered to have me.

00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,109

We're playing Yahtzee.

00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:19,860

Yahtzee's fun.

We love Yahtzee.

00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,529

It's a fun game

for fun families.

00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,781

Hey, could I get those goggles

back for a second?

00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:27,201

It's a 45-horsepower

with antilock brakes,

00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:30,371

and it's the official car

of "Mr. Sneezy 3D."

00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:33,165

It's the brand-new Sneezy XL.

00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:36,043

The horn, when you honk it,

makes a sneeze noise.

00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,213

It's polite, it's right,

00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:44,260

and it's Sneezy, Deezy

MC... Deluxe.

00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,928

I'm Mr. Sneezy.

00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,472

Huh, seems like TV

from other dimensions

00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,391

has a somewhat looser

feel to it.

00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:53,227

Yeah, it's got an almost

improvisational tone.

00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,855

It's in theaters now.

Coming this Summer.

00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:58,357

Two brothers in a van,

00:05:58,442 --> 00:05:59,817

and then a meteor hits.

00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,069

And they ran as fast

as they could

00:06:02,154 --> 00:06:03,946

from giant cat monsters.

00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,865

And then a giant tornado came.

00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:11,245

And that's when things got

knocked into 12th gear.

00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:14,123

A Mexican armada shows up,

00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,460

with weapons made

from t-tomatoes.

00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,712

And you better

bet your bottom dollar

00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:23,466

that these two brothers

know how to handle business

00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:27,428

in "Alien Invasion

Tomato Monster

00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:28,763

Mexican Armada Brothers,

00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:30,848

Who are Just Regular Brothers,

00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,100

Running in a Van

from an Asteroid

00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:37,146

and All Sort of

The Movie."

00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,148

Hold on. There's more.

00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,567

Old women are coming,

and they're also in the movie.

00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,444

And they're gonna come

00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,988

and cross attack

these two brothers.

00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,573

But let's get back

to the brothers,

00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:50,576

because they're...

they have a strong bond.

00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:51,869

You don't want to know

about it here,

00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,537

but I'll tell you one thing.

00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,790

The moon... it comes crashing

into Earth.

00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,750

And what do you do then?

00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,544

It's two brothers and...

and they're gonna...

00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,546

It's called "Two Brothers."

"Two Brothers."

00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,715

It's just called

"Two Brothers."

00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,967

Holy crap.

I am winning a Nobel prize.

00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,136

Come on. Time's up.

00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:10,846

I'm taming a lion.

00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,973

No, wait.

There are film cameras.

00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,601

I might be a lion tamer

in a movie.

00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:17,311

You get the idea.

I work with lions.

00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,899

Ohh, we're not playing Yahtzee!

00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,193

We're playing

Chutes and Ladders.

00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,904

Seems like when I exist,

life gets a little more...

00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,572

I don't know... predictable?

00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,616

When two people create

a life together,

00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,619

they set aside their previous

lives as individuals.

00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:35,246

Give me a break.

00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:37,998

We're not heroes for having

unprotected sex on prom night.

00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:39,333

Oh, I get it.

00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:41,502

Now that you know

you could have had it better,

00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,921

you resent me

for holding you back.

00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,507

Well, now that we know you think

the tables are turning,

00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,431

we know you thought

there were unturned tables.

00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:50,386

What are you talking about?

00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,054

All this time, you've been

thinking, "what if that loser,

00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,348

Jerry, hadn't talked me out

of the abortion?"

00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,433

- Um...

- Well, now you know.

00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:57,560

You'd be a doctor.

Whoop-DE-do.

00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,228

You'd also be drinking wine

alone

00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,480

in a house full of exotic birds.

00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:04,316

And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht,

banging Kristen Stewart.

00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:06,735

You thought about

getting an abortion?

00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,195

Everyone thinks about it.

00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,280

Obviously, I'm the version of me

that didn't do it,

00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:13,284

so you're welcome.

- Yeah, you're welcome.

00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:14,952

Yeah, thank you guys so much.

00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,662

It's a real treat to be

raised by parents

00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,414

that forced themselves

to be together

00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,124

instead of being happy.

00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:22,293

Hey, do we have any

wafer cookies?

00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:23,627

Mmm!

00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:24,795

Oh, boy.

00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,297

Looks like you guys have been

checking out alternate lives

00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:28,141

and realizing you don't

have it as good, huh?

00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,383

That's too bad.

00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,107

You know, me and Morty

are having a blast.

00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,720

We just discovered a show

called "Ball Fondlers."

00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,680

I mean, I don't want to rub it

in or anything,

00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:37,683

but you guys clearly backed

the wrong conceptual horse.

00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:53,115

- I'm in heaven right now.

- The best day of my life.

00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,867

So, now what do we do?

00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:57,071

That show "Ball Fondlers"

sounded kind of interesting.

00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,704

- Dad!

- What?!

00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,998

They're having fun in there.

What do you guys want from me?

00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:03,000

Every family on this block

has to wonder

00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,710

if they're together by choice.

00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,587

Our family just has

interdimensional goggles

00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:09,006

to show us for a fact

that we're not.

00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,675

- Well, I'm leaving.

- You can't leave. You're 17.

00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,260

Yeah, and I'm not pregnant.

00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:16,222

I'm gonna have better judgment

than you guys had at my age.

00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,682

I'm gonna move

to the southwest and...

00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,852

I don't know, do something

with turquoise.

00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:25,856

It's "Saturday Night Live,"

00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:28,525

starring a piece of toast,

00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,861

two guys with handlebar

mustaches,

00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:33,781

a man painted silver

who makes robot noises,

00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:35,616

Gar Ma Nar Nar,

00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,327

three, um, um, um...

00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,162

I'll get back to that one,

00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,872

a hole in the wall

00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:44,041

where the men can see it all,

00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:48,337

and, returning for his

25th consecutive year,

00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,757

Bobby Moynihan!

00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,300

Interesting fun fact...

00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:55,886

Moynihan and a piece of toast

hate each other.

00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,889

Apparently, they've got some

real creative differences.

00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:00,307

Hey, are you tired of real doors

00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:01,976

cluttering up your house,

00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:03,644

where you open them and you

actually go somewhere,

00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,020

and you go into another room?

00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,606

Get on down

to Real Fake Doors. That's us.

00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,066

Fill a whole room up with them.

00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,317

See, watch.

Check this out.

00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:11,443

Won't open.

00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:12,569

Won't open.

00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:13,904

Not this one.

00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,072

Not this one.

00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,156

None of them open.

00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,866

Fakedoors.com is our website,

00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,869

so check it out for a lot of

really great deals

00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:24,164

on fake do-o-o-o-rs!

00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,172

Hey, wait a minute, Rick.

00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,632

I thought this was a commercial.

00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,342

What's going on?

- Relax, Morty.

00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:39,096

Don't... don't worry about it.

Let's just see where this goes.

00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,223

Step on it!

We all got places to be!

00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,642

Son of a bitch.

00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,271

Oh, that must be where he lives.

00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:48,689

Okay.

00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:52,318

Huh. He's making himself a sandwich now.

00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,864

Hey, everybody.

So, this is my house.

00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:59,199

Just made a sandwich...

peanut butter and jelly.

00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,118

Still here, still selling

fake doors.

00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,244

What?

00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,288

Oh, my god.

It's still the commercial.

00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,290

We have fake doors

like you wouldn't believe.

00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,667

What are you worried about?

Come get fake doors.

00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,961

Call us up and order

some fake doors today.

00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:12,838

Don't even hesitate,

don't even worry,

00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:13,922

and don't even...

00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:15,090

All right, I'm bored.

Change it.

00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,925

Wait, wait, Rick.

Hold on, hold on.

00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,135

That's our slogan.

00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:20,429

See it on the bottom

of the screen below our name.

00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,556

Here's another slogan

right below that one.

00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,142

What are you worried about?

Come get fake doors.

00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:27,144

Get in here quick, get out quicker

00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,937

with an arm of fake doors in your arms.

00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,440

Okay, okay, you can change it.

00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,984

I hate Mamumanums-days,

00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:36,487

and I really could go

for some enchiladas.

00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:38,906

Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:41,825

It's just like Garfield, only

instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:44,536

Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where

those sex robots came from?

00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,580

Remember that whole thing?

00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,582

Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty...

pretty...

00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:50,125

That's true.

That's right.

00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,795

Yeah. Let's watch some more

Gazorpazorpfield.

00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,797

Hey, John.

It's me, Gazorpazorpfield.

00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,632

Boy fuck you, John,

00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,385

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,388

Come on, Gazorpazorpfield.

Go easy on me, huh?

00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,182

You dumb, stupid, weak,

00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,310

pathetic, white, white,

00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,646

uh... guilt...

00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,065

white-guilt milquetoast

00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,109

piece of human garbage.

00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:16,473

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield,

that's...

00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:18,070

you know, you're

pretty mean to me,

00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,321

but that takes the cake.

00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,989

I don't give a fuck.

00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,283

I'm Gazorpazorp-fuckin'-field, bitch.

00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,619

Now give me my

fucking enchiladas.

00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:27,913

Hey, Rick, you know, did they

use Bill Murray for this?

00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,456

Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.

00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:30,916

No, Morty, it's Lorenzo Music.

00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,584

In this reality,

he's still alive.

00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,420

Oh, okay.

Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?

00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:35,963

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,923

He also did the voice of that

one guy from "Ghostbusters,"

00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:40,050

which is really strange

because it's the same character

00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:41,260

Bill Murray played in the movie.

00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,719

But then, when they

made the movie,

00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,847

Bill Murray did the voice

of Gazorpazorp...

00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,891

- or Garfield, I mean.

- That's pretty cool, Rick.

00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,767

So all that happened

in this reality, too?

00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:49,935

I don't know.

00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:51,478

Just making conversation

with you, Morty.

00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:52,938

What, you think

I'm a... I'm...

00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:55,065

I know everything about

everything?

00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,234

Did you really talk me

out of the abortion?

00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,487

Well, we... we blew a tire

on the way to the clinic.

00:13:00,572 --> 00:13:03,866

I think, in my head, I was

doing it all for the kids.

00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:07,369

And now the first kid is going

to do something with turquoise.

00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,496

Which is either

code for crystal meth

00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,373

or a gateway to it.

00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,500

So we didn't do

the kids any favors.

00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:16,378

So we should stay together

for each other and ourselves,

00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,255

or...

00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:20,174

Or...

00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,595

Man, woman, and now Trunkman?

00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,513

We know science has created

men that have a trunk

00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,140

that allows them

to have sex with both

00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,225

male and female partners.

00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,519

But we don't like the idea of

these people getting married.

00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:35,314

Put a line in the sand,

everybody.

00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,107

Vote "no" on proposition XW2.

00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,526

The act that says trunkpeople

can get married.

00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,903

Who needs it?

00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,404

Not on my watch.

00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:46,283

Paid for by Michael Denny

and The Denny Singers.

00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,410

Hi. I'm a trunkperson,

and I want...

00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:51,163

I feel love in my heart, too,

just like you.

00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:52,998

I wanna be able

to express that love

00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:54,791

with both a man and a woman.

00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,293

And I won't be able to

00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,629

if Denny and The Denny Singers

get their way.

00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:01,131

Hey, let the trunkpeople have

sex and get married, huh?

00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:03,842

Paid for by trunkpeople.

00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:06,011

Oh, I love me

strawberry sniggles.

00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,138

Ooh, I hope nobody ever gets

my hands on me

00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:11,433

and tries to steal

my strawberry smiggles.

00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:12,918

I'm gonna eat every last

one of them,

00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,895

because... and then

they'll be in my stomach,

00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,980

and nobody will ever be

able to eat them.

00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,441

Except for me, because they'll

be all inside my stomach.

00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:23,820

Um, my name is

Mr. Tophat Jones,

00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,656

and God forbid anyone ever

take my sner...

00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,449

little-people snibbles.

00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:28,951

I'm keeping them all for me.

00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,994

Mmm. Mmm.

00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:33,038

Last bite.

Mmm.

00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:35,040

Oh, now they're all resting

comfortably in my stomach.

00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,583

Ooh, am I feeling good.

00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:38,877

No! Get away from me!

Get away from me!

00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:40,879

There's no more strawberry

snibbles... no!

00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:44,466

Jesus Christ!

00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,134

Jesus Christ! It hurts!

00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,636

My entrails are out!

00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,179

Why would you even want

to eat these?

00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:51,348

They're soaked

with my stomach acid.

00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:53,600

Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,

00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:55,477

and spirit, save me.

00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,187

Take me to the light.

00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,939

Oh, my god. I see demons.

00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,482

I see demons are coming!

00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,192

Geez, Rick.

Oh, my god.

00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:03,637

That's some pretty

hard-core stuff,

00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,571

you know, for a cereal

commercial.

00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:08,156

Well, Morty... I mean, you

wanna sell boxes of cereal,

00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,950

you gotta pump the gas a little.

00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,660

Pedal to the metal, Morty.

00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:15,080

In a world where muscular

Mannies are coming,

00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:16,748

and they're coming strong,

00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:20,377

there's only three

unmuscular Michaels.

00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,629

Get down. Hurry. Run.

00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:28,385

And that's when real

Turbulent Juice is coming,

00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:31,096

and you got to take care of it.

00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,515

With Turbulent Juice,

turbulent tables,

00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,269

no room is safe

from the turbulent power

00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,396

of Turbulent Juice.

00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,398

- What in the hell?

- Sex sells, Morty.

00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,400

Sex sells what?

00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,986

Was that a movie or, like,

does it clean stuff?

00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,487

Hey, Dad.

00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:48,989

- God.

- What's going on?

00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,833

Well, your mother and I

are gonna be spending

00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:52,409

some time apart, Morty.

00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,411

And your sister found out

she was an unwanted pregnancy.

00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,247

- What?

- Speaking of what,

00:15:57,332 --> 00:16:00,626

Morty,

what should we watch next?

00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:02,461

What about this?

00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,421

Babylegs, you're a good

detective.

00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,965

But not good enough,

because of your baby legs.

00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:08,967

So I'm partnering you up

with Regularlegs.

00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,427

Hey, there.

00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,429

Detective, I'm...

this is upsetting to me

00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:15,265

because I feel like I don't

need no regular-leg partner.

00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:17,059

Babylegs, don't talk back to me.

00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,560

Good luck, you two.

00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,604

There's a criminal to kill.

00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,648

Wow, you sure found

this guy quick.

00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,650

Uh, yeah, because I'm a good

detective.

00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,443

Look, Babylegs.

It's the criminal.

00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,195

Oh, fuck it. I'm the killer.

I'm running.

00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:29,279

I'm running real quick.

00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,281

Babylegs, here we go!

00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:35,827

That's the sound I make

when I'm trying to run fast.

00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,456

All right, I'm not

gonna get him.

00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,458

I just learned a real

valuable lesson.

00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:43,168

I'm coming, Babylegs.

00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,045

I'm... Regularlegs.

00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:46,672

We got him.

00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:48,340

Hey, that was good teamwork.

00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,217

Babylegs and Regularlegs,

00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:52,219

I'm proud of you two

for working together.

00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,221

And, Babylegs, I know

it was hard for you

00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:56,682

to come to the conclusion

that you need a partner,

00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,266

but I'm proud of you

that you did it.

00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,351

Hey, thanks, Chief.

00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:01,061

Now get the fuck out of here.

00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,646

Pretty cool, huh, Morty?

00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,231

Oh.

- I thought it was cool.

00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:07,693

I don't give a fuck what

you think, Jerry.

00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:14,574

Hey, uh, y-you doing okay?

00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,243

I kind of know how you feel,

Summer.

00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:18,120

No, you don't.

You're the little brother.

00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,924

You're not the cause of your

parents misery.

00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:22,624

You're just a symptom of it.

00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,669

- Can I show you something?

- Morty, no offense...

00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,712

but a drawing of me you made

when you were eight

00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,380

isn't gonna make me feel like

less of an accident.

00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:31,216

That out there?

That's my grave.

00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,927

- Wait, what?

- On one of our adventures...

00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:36,722

Rick and I basically

destroyed the whole world,

00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:39,725

so we bailed on that reality,

and we came to this one.

00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:42,227

Because in this one,

the world wasn't destroyed.

00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,438

And in this one, we were dead.

00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,362

So we came here and...

and we buried ourselves,

00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,233

and we took their place.

00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:50,360

And every morning, Summer,

I eat breakfast

00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:54,239

20 yards away

from my own rotting corpse.

00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:56,074

So you're not my brother?

00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:57,784

I'm better than your brother.

00:17:57,869 --> 00:17:59,549

I'm a version of your brother

you can trust

00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,496

when he says "don't run."

00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,124

Nobody exists on purpose.

Nobody belongs anywhere.

00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,543

Everybody's gonna die.

00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:10,297

Come watch TV.

00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:12,632

Mrs. Sullivan always planned

00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:15,135

to leave everything to her cats.

00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,638

But sometimes, plans need

a helping paw.

00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,267

What are the kitties to do

00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,561

but buckle together

and work as a team?

00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,522

Mrs. Sullivan, I... please,

forgive me for being forward,

00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,065

but your eyes are so beautiful.

00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,778

Wait. This is

an actual movie?

00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:35,280

This fall, sparks will fly...

00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,701

Mrs. Sullivan.

Ohh.

00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,828

Between one guy

who can't get a break...

00:18:41,913 --> 00:18:44,164

There's something about you,

Mrs. Sullivan.

00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:47,042

And nine cats who break

all the rules.

00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:49,961

"Last Will and Testi-meow:

00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,547

Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's

House II."

00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,008

Well, somebody in Hollywood

just lost their job.

00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:56,843

Written and directed by

Jerry Smith.

00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:59,304

I wrote and directed that?

What am I, nuts?

00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,264

Oh, hey, Morty.

You just missed a preview

00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:02,891

for your Dad's

"Citizen Kane."

00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,351

Doesn't matter.

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,019

Hey, if your mother

and I had to split custody,

00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:07,646

who would you guys chose?

00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,314

Doesn't matter.

00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:12,108

Breaking news... Academy

Award-Winning actor Jerry Smith

00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:14,861

is leading police

on a slow-speed pursuit

00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,905

after suffering

an apparent breakdown.

00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,615

Don't even think about it.

00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:20,617

Come on.

Are you kidding me, Jerry?

00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,536

It's just a bunch of dumb

tabloid crap.

00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:26,248

It's my life,

and we're watching it.

00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,876

You did it, Beth.

You really nailed it.

00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:34,297

You're a surgeon...

a human surgeon.

00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:37,217

Yay, you win.

00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:38,885

Where the hell am I going?

00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:41,054

Wh... What are you

asking me for, Jerry?

00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,223

I'm sitting here

trying to figure out

00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,891

why the cops don't just

take you out.

00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:47,060

I mean they got

a clear shot to your head.

00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:49,521

I can't believe our tax dollars

pay for this.

00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,072

Jerry?

00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:01,408

Jerry Smith?

00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:04,077

Beth Sanchez, I have been in

love with you since high school.

00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:06,037

I hate acting.

I hate cocaine.

00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:07,622

I hate Kristen Stewart.

00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,374

I wish you hadn't gotten

that abortion,

00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:13,879

and I've never stopped thinking

about what might have been.

00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:18,508

♪ Give me a name ♪

00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:24,264

♪ Hear my faith ♪

00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:29,352

♪ Seal my fate ♪

00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:36,776

♪ And when you breathe ♪

00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:39,279

♪ You breathe for two ♪

00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:41,043

Hey, "Ball Fondlers"?

Huh, "Ball Fondlers"?

00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,713

Yeah, I could go

for some "Ball Fondlers."

00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,242

Yeah, "Ball Fondlers."

00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:47,787

Aah!

00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:21,863

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World

Weather is done,

00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:23,573

and now it's sports time

coming up.

00:21:23,658 --> 00:21:25,450

- Oh, hello, there.

- Good day to you, miss.

00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:27,410

So, the hamsters live

00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:28,870

inside the rectums of those

people?

00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:30,580

Yes, sweetie.

That's where the live.

00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:31,998

Well, how does that work?

00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,000

I mean, do the butts look like

little apartments inside?

00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:35,585

Yeah, and can they

leave the butt

00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,295

and, like, walk around

on their own?

00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:40,006

I don't know. I'm watching

the same thing you guys are.

00:21:40,091 --> 00:21:41,883

Grandpa Rick,

if they leave the butt

00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:43,510

and the person wanders off,

00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:45,178

how would they find

their butt person again?

00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:47,180

I don't know, Summer.

I can't even hear the TV.

00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:48,640

All right, that's it.

00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:50,100

We're just gonna go there

so you idiots

00:21:50,184 --> 00:21:51,893

can ask your stupid

questions all day.

00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:54,145

Ooh, family vacation!

00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:09,953

Did you get any of that?

00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:11,997

It's a good-a show!

00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:05,463

Cynthia...

00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:07,173

JERRY:

Oh, my god. No. No.

00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,175

- I told you.

- Hold on.

00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,177

Will you please...

00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:12,970

not marry me?

I chose Veronica.

00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:14,222

- What?!

- Yes!

00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:16,224

- Hold it.

- Why would he chose Veronica?

00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,892

Because he loves her?

00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,310

Well, if it's any

consolation, Summer,

00:00:19,395 --> 00:00:21,145

none of it mattered

and the entire show was stupid.

00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,605

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.

00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,607

You show us your concept

of good TV,

00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,526

and we'll crap all over that.

00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:29,195

Thought you'd never ask.

00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,446

Hey.

00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,448

Oh, cool. ls that

crystallized xanthanite?

00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,409

It conducts electrons

across dimensions.

00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:36,327

20% accurate as usual, Morty.

00:00:36,412 --> 00:00:37,829

The important thing being,

00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:39,789

I just upgraded

our cable package

00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,041

with programing from every

conceivable reality.

00:00:42,126 --> 00:00:43,626

Wait. Does that mean

we get Showtime Extreme?

00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,420

How about Showtime Extreme

in a world

00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:47,088

where man evolved from corn?

00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:49,132

We're not so different.

We're both corn of action.

00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,134

Yeah, but one of us

is dead corn!

00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,510

SUMMER:

Boring.

00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,554

Summer [burps] you just

spent [burps] three months

00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,472

watching a man

choose a fake wife.

00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,477

So, what, it'd be better

if the people were corn?

00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,101

RICK:

Jerry, you don't get it.

00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:03,354

This is infinite TV

from infinite universes.

00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,148

Look.

- This shit is delicious.

00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:08,192

A movie about a guy eating shit.

00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,236

A violent antique show.

00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,654

[ laughs]

It's a pleasure to have you.

00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,573

The pleasure's all mine.

00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:15,658

Letterman from a timeline

where Jerry's famous.

00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,368

- JERRY: Wait!

- BETH: What in the hell?

00:01:17,453 --> 00:01:18,995

RICK:

I agree. Where is this going?

00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,580

No, the other thing!

Go back.

00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,123

RICK:

Really? All right, fine.

00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,625

Glen, this court order says

you can't eat shit anymore.

00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:26,627

[ dramatic music plays]

- All right, Jerry.

00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:28,463

When you're right, you're right.

00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:29,839

Now I'm hooked.

00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,748

Coming up next on

"Shmloo's the Shmloss,"

00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,374

Shmlony has a nightmare.

00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,419

- Shmlantha! Shmlona!

- RICK: Amazing... a dimension

00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:10,421

where all proper nouns

begin with "Shmla."

00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:12,924

Shmla... Shmlangela?

00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:14,592

Shmlonathan?

00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,886

All right, that actually

got old pretty quick.

00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,429

[ groans ] Rick!

00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:20,681

Will you please go back

to me on "David Letterman"?

00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,433

Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

00:02:22,518 --> 00:02:23,935

I don't remember the channel.

00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:25,520

SUMMER:

Ah! Go back! Go back!

00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:28,022

- RICK: Geez.

- You speak the true-true.

00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:30,358

Oh, my god.

Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"!

00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:33,152

I'm in "Cloud Atlas"!

What's "Cloud Atlas"?

00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,779

Sometimes,

small true-true

00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,781

different than

the big true-true.

00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,324

How is this possible?

00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,618

Infinite timelines,

infinite possibilities,

00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,582

including a timeline

where Jerry's a movie star.

00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,163

Look, you guys are

getting excited

00:02:44,248 --> 00:02:45,915

about the wrong aspect

of this device.

00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,583

Wha... look at this.

00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,253

And now, another quick mystery.

00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,097

I just want to know who

could have done this.

00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,090

It's a travesty.

- I did.

00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,508

See this knife

and all the blood on it?

00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:56,801

Here's my fingerprints.

00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,178

Guilty. I sentence you

to life in prison.

00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:00,763

Here's another quick mystery.

00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,765

- My mother's dead.

- And I killed her.

00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,475

Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:05,768

Thank you very much.

00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,395

Guilty.

Sentenced to murder.

00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:08,521

[ chokes, gags]

00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,773

- Here's another.

- I'm the killer.

00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,442

Oh, wow, that one was

really quick, wasn't it?

00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,987

Now, who wants to watch

random, crazy TV shows

00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:18,239

from different dimensions,

and... and then who wants

00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,825

to narcissistically obsess

about their alternate selves?

00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:23,494

I want to obsess about myself.

00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:25,496

[ sighs ] Here, these scan

your retinas

00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,498

and let you view

parallel timelines

00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,375

through genetically matching

versions of your eyes.

00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:30,459

Go fetch.

00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,336

- This is so cool.

- Ladies first.

00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:33,546

I'm proud of you, Morty.

00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,673

Hey, man, I don't give

a crap about myself, Rick.

00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,592

Let's watch some

crazy stuff, yo.

00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:38,926

I'm Ants in My Eyes Johnson,

00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:41,262

here at Ants in My Eyes

Johnson's electronics.

00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:43,347

I mean, there's so many ants

in my eyes.

00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:46,392

And there's so many TVs,

microwaves, radios, I think.

00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:49,687

I can't... I'm not 100% sure

what we have here in stock

00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:51,397

because I can't see anything.

00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:54,233

Our prices, I hope,

aren't too low.

00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:56,903

Check out this refrigerator,

only $200.

00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,779

What about this microwave?

Only $100.

00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:00,406

That's fair.

00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,867

I'm Ants in My Eyes Johnson.

Everything's black.

00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:04,327

I can't see a thing.

00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,329

And also, I can't feel

anything, either.

00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,455

Did I mention that?

00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:10,041

But that's not as catchy as

having ants in your eyes,

00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:12,668

so that always goes, you know,

off by the wayside.

00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,837

I can't feel.

It's a very rare disease.

00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,547

All my... all my nerves,

00:04:16,632 --> 00:04:18,883

they don't allow

for the sensation of touch,

00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,843

so I never know what's going on.

00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,845

Am I standing, sitting?

I don't know.

00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,389

Are we sure we wanna look

at our own alternate lives?

00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,725

You're right. Maybe we should

just play Yahtzee.

00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,852

Give me those.

[ beeping ]

00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:30,937

BETH:

What do you see?

00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:33,940

Whiteness...

pure whiteness.

00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,858

[ snorting ]

00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,610

You're my best friend,

Jerry Smith.

00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,070

I love doing cocaine with you.

00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:42,156

Whoa, I love doing cocaine

with you, too, Johnny Depp.

00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,242

[ groans ] Haven't we spent

enough time on you?

00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:47,995

[ beeping ]

I'm performing surgery...

00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,997

but not on a horse...

on a human.

00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:51,624

JERRY:

That's great, Beth.

00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,876

You always wanted to be

a real surgeon.

00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,878

I am a real surgeon.

00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,588

Uh... Summer's turn.

00:04:57,673 --> 00:04:59,590

Finally.

[ beeping ]

00:04:59,675 --> 00:05:01,592

I don't see anything.

00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:03,344

Well, you should select

a different timeline.

00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:05,348

I mean, if your father and I

achieved our dreams,

00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,847

there's a chance

you weren't even born.

00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,350

That came out wrong.

That came out very wrong.

00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,937

Fine. I'll find a world where

you bothered to have me.

00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,982

[ beeping ]

00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,109

We're playing Yahtzee.

00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:19,860

Yahtzee's fun.

We love Yahtzee.

00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,529

It's a fun game

for fun families.

00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,781

Hey, could I get those goggles

back for a second?

00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:27,201

It's a 45-horsepower

with antilock brakes,

00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:30,371

and it's the official car

of "Mr. Sneezy 3D."

00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:33,165

It's the brand-new Sneezy XL.

00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:36,043

The horn, when you honk it,

makes a sneeze noise.

00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:37,211

[ sneezes]

00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,213

It's polite, it's right,

00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:44,260

and it's Sneezy, Deezy

MC... Deluxe.

00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,928

I'm Mr. Sneezy.

[ sneezes]

00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,472

Huh, seems like TV

from other dimensions

00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,391

has a somewhat looser

feel to it.

00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:53,227

Yeah, it's got an almost

improvisational tone.

00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,855

It's in theaters now.

Coming this Summer.

00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:58,357

Two brothers in a van,

00:05:58,442 --> 00:05:59,817

and then a meteor hits.

00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,069

And they ran as fast

as they could

00:06:02,154 --> 00:06:03,946

from giant cat monsters.

00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,865

And then a giant tornado came.

00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:11,245

And that's when things got

knocked into 12th gear.

00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:14,123

A Mexican armada shows up,

00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,460

with weapons made

from t-tomatoes.

00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,712

And you better

bet your bottom dollar

00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:23,466

that these two brothers

know how to handle business

00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:27,428

in "Alien Invasion

Tomato Monster

00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:28,763

Mexican Armada Brothers,

00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:30,848

Who are Just Regular Brothers,

00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,100

Running in a Van

from an Asteroid

00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:37,146

and All Sort of

Things: The Movie."

00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,148

Hold on. There's more.

00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,567

Old women are coming,

and they're also in the movie.

00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,444

And they're gonna come

00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,988

and cross attack

these two brothers.

00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,573

But let's get back

to the brothers,

00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:50,576

because they're...

they have a strong bond.

00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:51,869

You don't want to know

about it here,

00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,537

but I'll tell you one thing.

00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,790

The moon... it comes crashing

into Earth.

00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,750

And what do you do then?

00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,544

It's two brothers and...

and they're gonna...

00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,546

It's called "Two Brothers."

"Two Brothers."

00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,715

[ laughing ] It's just called

"Two Brothers."

00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,967

Holy crap.

I am winning a Nobel prize.

00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,136

Come on. Time's up.

[ beeping ]

00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:10,846

I'm taming a lion.

00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,973

No, wait.

There are film cameras.

00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,601

I might be a lion tamer

in a movie.

00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:17,311

You get the idea.

I work with lions.

00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,522

[ beeping ]

00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,899

Ohh, we're not playing Yahtzee!

00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,193

We're playing

Chutes and Ladders.

00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,904

Seems like when I exist,

life gets a little more...

00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,572

I don't know... predictable?

00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,616

When two people create

a life together,

00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,619

they set aside their previous

lives as individuals.

00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:35,246

Give me a break.

00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:37,998

We're not heroes for having

unprotected sex on prom night.

00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:39,333

Oh, I get it.

00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:41,502

Now that you know

you could have had it better,

00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,921

you resent me

for holding you back.

00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,507

Well, now that we know you think

the tables are turning,

00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,431

we know you thought

there were unturned tables.

00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:50,386

What are you talking about?

00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,054

All this time, you've been

thinking, "what if that loser,

00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,348

Jerry, hadn't talked me out

of the abortion?"

00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,433

- Um...

- Well, now you know.

00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:57,560

You'd be a doctor.

Whoop-DE-do.

00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,228

You'd also be drinking wine

alone

00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,480

in a house full of exotic birds.

00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:04,316

And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht,

banging Kristen Stewart.

00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:06,735

You thought about

getting an abortion?

00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,195

Everyone thinks about it.

00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,280

Obviously, I'm the version of me

that didn't do it,

00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:13,284

so you're welcome.

- Yeah, you're welcome.

00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:14,952

Yeah, thank you guys so much.

00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,662

It's a real treat to be

raised by parents

00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,414

that forced themselves

to be together

00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,124

instead of being happy.

00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:22,293

Hey, do we have any

wafer cookies?

00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:23,627

Mmm!

00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:24,795

Oh, boy.

00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,297

Looks like you guys have been

checking out alternate lives

00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:28,141

and realizing you don't

have it as good, huh?

00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,383

That's too bad.

00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,107

You know, me and Morty

are having a blast.

00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,720

We just discovered a show

called "Ball Fondlers."

00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,680

I mean, I don't want to rub it

in or anything,

00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:37,683

but you guys clearly backed

the wrong conceptual horse.

00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:41,562

[ metal music plays]

00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:53,115

- I'm in heaven right now.

- The best day of my life.

00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,867

So, now what do we do?

00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:57,071

That show "Ball Fondlers"

sounded kind of interesting.

00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,704

- Dad!

- What?!

00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,998

They're having fun in there.

What do you guys want from me?

00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:03,000

Every family on this block

has to wonder

00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,710

if they're together by choice.

00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,587

Our family just has

interdimensional goggles

00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:09,006

to show us for a fact

that we're not.

00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,675

- Well, I'm leaving.

- You can't leave. You're 17.

00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,260

Yeah, and I'm not pregnant.

00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:16,222

I'm gonna have better judgment

than you guys had at my age.

00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,682

I'm gonna move

to the southwest and...

00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,852

I don't know, do something

with turquoise.

00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:25,856

It's "Saturday Night Live,"

00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:28,525

starring a piece of toast,

00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,861

two guys with handlebar

mustaches,

00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:33,781

a man painted silver

who makes robot noises,

00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:35,616

Gar Ma Nar Nar,

00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,327

three, um, um, um...

00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,162

I'll get back to that one,

00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,872

a hole in the wall

00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:44,041

where the men can see it all,

00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:48,337

and, returning for his

25th consecutive year,

00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,757

Bobby Moynihan!

00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,300

Interesting fun fact...

00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:55,886

Moynihan and a piece of toast

hate each other.

00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,889

Apparently, they've got some

real creative differences.

00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:00,307

Hey, are you tired of real doors

00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:01,976

cluttering up your house,

00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:03,644

where you open them and you

actually go somewhere,

00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,020

and you go into another room?

00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,606

Get on down

to Real Fake Doors. That's us.

00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,066

Fill a whole room up with them.

00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,317

See, watch.

Check this out.

00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:11,443

[ grunts ] Won't open.

00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:12,569

[ grunts ] Won't open.

00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:13,904

[ grunts ] Not this one.

00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,072

[ grunts ] Not this one.

00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,156

None of them open.

00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,866

Fakedoors.com is our website,

00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,869

so check it out for a lot of

really great deals

00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:24,164

on fake do-o-o-o-rs!

00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,172

Hey, wait a minute, Rick.

00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,632

I thought this was a commercial.

00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,342

What's going on?

- Relax, Morty.

00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:39,096

Don't... don't worry about it.

Let's just see where this goes.

00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,223

Step on it!

We all got places to be!

00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,642

[ honks horn ] Son of a bitch.

00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,271

Oh, that must be where he lives.

00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:48,689

Okay.

00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:52,318

RICK:

Huh. He's making himself a sandwich now.

00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,864

Hey, everybody.

So, this is my house.

00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:59,199

Just made a sandwich...

peanut butter and jelly.

00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,118

Still here, still selling

fake doors.

00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,244

MORTY:

What?

00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,288

Oh, my god.

It's still the commercial.

00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,290

We have fake doors

like you wouldn't believe.

00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,667

What are you worried about?

Come get fake doors.

00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,961

Call us up and order

some fake doors today.

00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:12,838

Don't even hesitate,

don't even worry,

00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:13,922

and don't even...

00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:15,090

All right, I'm bored.

Change it.

00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,925

Wait, wait, Rick.

Hold on, hold on.

00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,135

That's our slogan.

00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:20,429

See it on the bottom

of the screen below our name.

00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,556

Here's another slogan

right below that one.

00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,142

What are you worried about?

Come get fake doors.

00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:27,144

Get in here quick, get out quicker

00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,937

with an arm of fake doors in your arms.

00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,440

Okay, okay, you can change it.

00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,984

[ yawns]

I hate Mamumanums-days,

00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:36,487

and I really could go

for some enchiladas.

00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:38,906

MORTY:

Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:41,825

It's just like Garfield, only

instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:44,536

Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where

those sex robots came from?

00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,580

Remember that whole thing?

00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,582

Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty...

pretty...

00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:50,125

That's true.

That's right.

00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,795

Yeah. Let's watch some more

Gazorpazorpfield.

00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,797

Hey, John.

It's me, Gazorpazorpfield.

00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,632

Boy fuck you, John,

00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,385

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,388

Come on, Gazorpazorpfield.

Go easy on me, huh?

00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,182

You dumb, stupid, weak,

00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,310

pathetic, white, white,

00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,646

uh... guilt...

00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,065

white-guilt milquetoast

00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,109

piece of human garbage.

00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:16,473

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield,

that's...

00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:18,070

you know, you're

pretty mean to me,

00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,321

but that takes the cake.

00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,989

I don't give a fuck.

00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,283

I'm Gazorpazorp-fuckin'-field, bitch.

00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,619

Now give me my

fucking enchiladas.

00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:27,913

Hey, Rick, you know, did they

use Bill Murray for this?

00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,456

Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.

00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:30,916

No, Morty, it's Lorenzo Music.

00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,584

In this reality,

he's still alive.

00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,420

Oh, okay.

Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?

00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:35,963

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,923

He also did the voice of that

one guy from "Ghostbusters,"

00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:40,050

which is really strange

because it's the same character

00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:41,260

Bill Murray played in the movie.

00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,719

But then, when they

made the movie,

00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,847

Bill Murray did the voice

of Gazorpazorp...

00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,891

- or Garfield, I mean.

- That's pretty cool, Rick.

00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,767

So all that happened

in this reality, too?

00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:49,935

I don't know.

00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:51,478

Just making conversation

with you, Morty.

00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:52,938

What, you think

I'm a... I'm...

00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:55,065

I know everything about

everything?

00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,234

Did you really talk me

out of the abortion?

00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,487

Well, we... we blew a tire

on the way to the clinic.

00:13:00,572 --> 00:13:03,866

I think, in my head, I was

doing it all for the kids.

00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:07,369

And now the first kid is going

to do something with turquoise.

00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,496

[ sighs ] Which is either

code for crystal meth

00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,373

or a gateway to it.

00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,500

So we didn't do

the kids any favors.

00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:16,378

So we should stay together

for each other and ourselves,

00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,255

or...

00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:20,174

Or...

00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,595

Man, woman, and now Trunkman?

00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,513

We know science has created

men that have a trunk

00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,140

that allows them

to have sex with both

00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,225

male and female partners.

00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,519

But we don't like the idea of

these people getting married.

00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:35,314

Put a line in the sand,

everybody.

00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,107

Vote "no" on proposition XW2.

00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,526

The act that says trunkpeople

can get married.

00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,903

Who needs it?

00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,404

Not on my watch.

00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:46,283

Paid for by Michael Denny

and The Denny Singers.

00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,410

Hi. I'm a trunkperson,

and I want...

00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:51,163

I feel love in my heart, too,

just like you.

00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:52,998

I wanna be able

to express that love

00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:54,791

with both a man and a woman.

00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,293

And I won't be able to

00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,629

if Denny and The Denny Singers

get their way.

00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:01,131

Hey, let the trunkpeople have

sex and get married, huh?

00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:03,842

Paid for by trunkpeople.

00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:06,011

Oh, I love me

strawberry sniggles.

00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,138

Ooh, I hope nobody ever gets

my hands on me

00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:11,433

and tries to steal

my strawberry smiggles.

00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:12,918

I'm gonna eat every last

one of them,

00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,895

because... and then

they'll be in my stomach,

00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,980

and nobody will ever be

able to eat them.

00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,441

Except for me, because they'll

be all inside my stomach.

00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:23,820

Um, my name is

Mr. Tophat Jones,

00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,656

and God forbid anyone ever

take my sner...

00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,449

little-people snibbles.

00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:28,951

I'm keeping them all for me.

00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,994

Mmm. Mmm.

00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:33,038

Last bite.

Mmm.

00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:35,040

Oh, now they're all resting

comfortably in my stomach.

00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,583

Ooh, am I feeling good.

00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:38,877

No! Get away from me!

Get away from me!

00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:40,879

There's no more strawberry

snibbles... no!

00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:42,548

[ chokes, sputters]

00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:44,466

Jesus Christ!

00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,134

Jesus Christ! It hurts!

00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,636

My entrails are out!

00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,179

Why would you even want

to eat these?

00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:51,348

They're soaked

with my stomach acid.

00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:53,600

Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,

00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:55,477

and spirit, save me.

00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,187

Take me to the light.

00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,939

Oh, my god. I see demons.

00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,482

I see demons are coming!

00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,192

Geez, Rick.

Oh, my god.

00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:03,637

That's some pretty

hard-core stuff,

00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,571

you know, for a cereal

commercial.

00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:08,156

Well, Morty... I mean, you

wanna sell boxes of cereal,

00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,950

you gotta pump the gas a little.

00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,660

Pedal to the metal, Morty.

00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:15,080

In a world where muscular

Mannies are coming,

00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:16,748

and they're coming strong,

00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:20,377

there's only three

unmuscular Michaels.

00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,629

Get down. Hurry. Run.

00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:24,172

[ screeching]

00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:28,385

And that's when real

Turbulent Juice is coming,

00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:31,096

and you got to take care of it.

00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,515

With Turbulent Juice,

turbulent tables,

00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,269

no room is safe

from the turbulent power

00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,396

of Turbulent Juice.

00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,398

- What in the hell?

- Sex sells, Morty.

00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,400

Sex sells what?

00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,986

Was that a movie or, like,

does it clean stuff?

00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,487

- [ sighs ]

- Hey, Dad.

00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:48,989

- God.

- What's going on?

00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,833

Well, your mother and I

are gonna be spending

00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:52,409

some time apart, Morty.

00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,411

And your sister found out

she was an unwanted pregnancy.

00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,247

- What?

- Speaking of [burps] what,

00:15:57,332 --> 00:16:00,626

Morty, [burps]

what should we watch next?

00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:02,461

What about this?

00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,421

Babylegs, you're a good

detective.

00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,965

But not good enough,

because of your baby legs.

00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:08,967

So I'm partnering you up

with Regularlegs.

00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,427

Hey, there.

00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,429

Detective, I'm...

this is upsetting to me

00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:15,265

because I feel like I don't

need no regular-leg partner.

00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:17,059

Babylegs, don't talk back to me.

00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,560

Good luck, you two.

00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,604

There's a criminal to kill.

[ slurps]

00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,648

Wow, you sure found

this guy quick.

00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,650

Uh, yeah, because I'm a good

detective.

00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,443

Look, Babylegs.

It's the criminal.

00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,195

Oh, fuck it. I'm the killer.

I'm running.

00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:29,279

I'm running real quick.

00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,281

Babylegs, here we go!

00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:33,158

[trilling ]

00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:35,827

That's the sound I make

when I'm trying to run fast.

00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,621

[trilling ]

00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,456

All right, I'm not

gonna get him.

00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,458

I just learned a real

valuable lesson.

00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:43,168

I'm coming, Babylegs.

00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,045

I'm... Regularlegs.

00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:46,672

[ grunts ] We got him.

00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:48,340

Hey, that was good teamwork.

00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,217

Babylegs and Regularlegs,

00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:52,219

I'm proud of you two

for working together.

00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,221

And, Babylegs, I know

it was hard for you

00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:56,682

to come to the conclusion

that you need a partner,

00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,266

but I'm proud of you

that you did it.

00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,351

Hey, thanks, Chief.

00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:01,061

Now get the fuck out of here.

00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,646

Pretty cool, huh, Morty?

00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,231

Oh.

- I thought it was cool.

00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:07,693

I don't give a fuck what

you think, Jerry.

00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:08,777

[ click ]

00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:14,574

Hey, uh, y-you doing okay?

00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,243

I kind of know how you feel,

Summer.

00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:18,120

No, you don't.

You're the little brother.

00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,924

You're not the cause of your

parents misery.

00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:22,624

You're just a symptom of it.

00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,669

- Can I show you something?

- Morty, no offense...

00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,712

but a drawing of me you made

when you were eight

00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,380

isn't gonna make me feel like

less of an accident.

00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:31,216

That out there?

That's my grave.

00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,927

- Wait, what?

- On one of our adventures...

00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:36,722

Rick and I basically

destroyed the whole world,

00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:39,725

so we bailed on that reality,

and we came to this one.

00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:42,227

Because in this one,

the world wasn't destroyed.

00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,438

And in this one, we were dead.

00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,362

So we came here and...

and we buried ourselves,

00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,233

and we took their place.

00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:50,360

And every morning, Summer,

I eat breakfast

00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:54,239

20 yards away

from my own rotting corpse.

00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:56,074

So you're not my brother?

00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:57,784

I'm better than your brother.

00:17:57,869 --> 00:17:59,549

I'm a version of your brother

you can trust

00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,496

when he says "don't run."

00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,124

Nobody exists on purpose.

Nobody belongs anywhere.

00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,543

Everybody's gonna die.

00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:10,297

Come watch TV.

00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:12,632

Mrs. Sullivan always planned

00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:15,135

to leave everything to her cats.

00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,638

But sometimes, plans need

a helping paw.

00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:20,640

[thunder rumbles]

00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,267

What are the kitties to do

00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,561

but buckle together

and work as a team?

00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,522

Mrs. Sullivan, I... please,

forgive me for being forward,

00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,065

but your eyes are so beautiful.

00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,650

[ cats meow]

00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,778

Wait. This is

an actual movie?

00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:35,280

This fall, sparks will fly...

00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:37,115

[ moaning, cats meowing]

00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,701

Mrs. [moans] Sullivan.

Ohh.

00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,828

Between one guy

who can't get a break...

00:18:41,913 --> 00:18:44,164

There's something about you,

Mrs. Sullivan.

00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:47,042

And nine cats who break

all the rules.

00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,251

[ cats meow]

00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:49,961

"Last Will and Testi-meow:

00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,547

Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's

House II."

00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,008

Well, somebody in Hollywood

just lost their job.

00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:56,843

Written and directed by

Jerry Smith.

00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:59,304

I wrote and directed that?

What am I, nuts?

00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,264

Oh, hey, Morty.

You just missed a preview

00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:02,891

for your Dad's

"Citizen Kane."

00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,351

Doesn't matter.

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,019

Hey, if your mother

and I had to split custody,

00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:07,646

who would you guys chose?

00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,314

Doesn't matter.

00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:12,108

Breaking news... Academy

Award-Winning actor Jerry Smith

00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:14,861

is leading police

on a slow-speed pursuit

00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,905

after suffering

an apparent breakdown.

00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,615

Don't even think about it.

00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:20,617

Come on.

Are you kidding me, Jerry?

00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,536

It's just a bunch of dumb

tabloid crap.

00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:26,248

It's my life,

and we're watching it.

00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,876

You did it, Beth.

You really nailed it.

00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:34,297

[burps] You're a surgeon...

a human surgeon.

00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:37,217

Yay, you win.

[ slurps ]

00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:38,885

Where the hell am I going?

00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:41,054

Wh... What are you

asking me for, Jerry?

00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,223

[burps] I'm sitting here [burps]

trying to figure out

00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,891

why the cops don't just

take you out.

00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:47,060

I mean [burps] they got

a clear shot to your head.

00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:49,521

I can't believe our tax dollars

pay for this.

00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,108

[ doorbell rings ]

00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,072

Jerry?

00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:01,408

Jerry Smith?

00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:04,077

Beth Sanchez, I have been in

love with you since high school.

00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:06,037

I hate acting.

I hate cocaine.

00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:07,622

I hate Kristen Stewart.

00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,374

I wish you hadn't gotten

that abortion,

00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:13,879

and I've never stopped thinking

about what might have been.

00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:18,508

♪ Give me a name ♪

00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:24,264

♪ Hear my faith ♪

00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:29,352

♪ Seal my fate ♪

00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:36,776

♪ And when you breathe ♪

00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:39,279

♪ You breathe for two ♪

00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:41,043

Hey, "Ball Fondlers"?

Huh, "Ball Fondlers"?

00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,713

Yeah, I could go

for some "Ball Fondlers."

00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,242

Yeah, "Ball Fondlers."

00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:45,744

[ metal music plays]

00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:47,787

Aah!

00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:21,863

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World

Weather is done,

00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:23,573

and now it's sports time

coming up.

00:21:23,658 --> 00:21:25,450

- Oh, hello, there.

- Good day to you, miss.

00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:27,410

BETH:

So, the hamsters live

00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:28,870

inside the rectums of those

people?

00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:30,580

Yes, sweetie.

That's where the live.

00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:31,998

Well, how does that work?

00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,000

I mean, do the butts look like

little apartments inside?

00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:35,585

Yeah, and can they

leave the butt

00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,295

and, like, walk around

on their own?

00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:40,006

I don't know. I'm watching

the same thing you guys are.

00:21:40,091 --> 00:21:41,883

Grandpa Rick,

if they leave the butt

00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:43,510

and the person wanders off,

00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:45,178

how would they find

their butt person again?

00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:47,180

I don't know, Summer.

I can't even hear the TV.

00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:48,640

All right, that's it.

00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:50,100

We're just gonna go there

so you idiots

00:21:50,184 --> 00:21:51,893

can ask your stupid

questions all day.

00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:54,145

Ooh, family vacation!

00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:56,189

[ camera shutter clicks ]

00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:09,953

Did you get any of that?

00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:11,997

It's a good-a show!