Воспитание Газорпазорпа

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for a broken

defraculator.

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That is multiphase quantum

resonator.

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- Well, does it defraculate?

- Fuck no.

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Then -- then -- then

it's a broken defraculator.

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Like you would even know dick

about fraculation!

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Your planet

just got cellphones,

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and the coverage

still sucks!

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Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.

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So, let's say 60 smidgens.

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I tell you what --

I'll do you a favor.

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I'll throw in a fart.

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Hey, uh, Rick, um,

you think

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maybe I could get

something from this place,

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like a souvenir, like,

just to have --

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like, something cool,

you know?

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Not here, Morty.

We'll stop somewhere else.

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Because, you know, there's

always another pawn shop.

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Oh, okay. I just, um --

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you know, I thought that

robot over there

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looked pretty cool,

you know?

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Oh, it looks cool, huh?

That's why you want it?

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Yeah!

You know, I mean...

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it's different

from the stuff on Earth,

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and, you know, you take me

to all these crazy places

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across the galaxy,

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and, you know, I don't

really have anything to --

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to remember all those

trips by.

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It'd be kind of cool,

like a souvenir.

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You know, like, what if

you passed away

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or died

or something?

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I wouldn't even have anything

to remember

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all the cool stuff

we did, you know?

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Okay. 60

for the resonator,

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and my grandson

wants the sex robot.

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So, we're just going

to pretend this isn't happening?

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I'm not saying that's

a bad idea -- just asking.

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Rick, why would you

let Morty

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bring that

thing into our house?!

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I don't know.

What do you want from me?

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He thi-- he thou--

he thought it looked cool.

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You know what I mean?

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Whew!

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Ahh. All right.

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Back to -- back to --

b-back upstairs.

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Well, I'm intervening.

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Intervening with

puberty?

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You'll turn him into

Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon."

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He's at that age.

Let's just be proud of him.

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Jesus. Did I really set

the bar that low?

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Um, Rick, could you

come with me, please --

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q-quickly?

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Okay, now if we hear squeaking,

we intervene.

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Where's the sex robot,

Morty?

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That is Gwendolyn --

l-I mean, the robot!

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She started beeping, transformed

and tried to fly away!

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Strange -- that's

usually the man's job.

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You know what I'm talking

about, Morty?

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Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

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Morty!

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That's my

catchphrase, remember?

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Remember -- remember how I --

how I cemented that catchphrase?

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All right.

All right, seriously, though,

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let me

grab this thing.

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Come on, you... rascal.

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- Okay, unacceptable! Oh.

- What is going on?

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All right. Uh-oh.

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"Uh-oh"? What is that?!

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Hmm. I think Morty's robot

was designed

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for more than long

weekends.

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Genetic compiler,

incubation chamber.

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Yep. This here's some kind

of baby maker,

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and that there's half Morty,

half --

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who -- who knows wh-what?

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It's my bad, guys.

I'll -- I'll take care of it.

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- Grandpa Rick, no, no!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

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What do you think

you're doing?!

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Hey, listen -- you guys

quarantined the house

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when Summer brought olives

back from Mexico.

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I mean, this thing could grow

to the size of Delaware.

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I mean, it might eat brains

and exhale space AIDS.

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We gotta be careful.

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I lost the chance

to be careful, Rick.

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I'm a father now!

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You know, it's time for me

to be responsible.

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Isn't that right...

- Don't name it.

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- ...Morty Jr.?

- Oh, crap. He named it.

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Well, Dad, it's a living thing,

and it's half human.

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And it was born on American

soil, which entitles it to --

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Jerry, majoring in

Civics was your mistake.

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Don't punish us for it.

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Fine.

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I'm gonna take this thing

to my workshop and investigate.

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Do not let that thing out

of your sight.

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Lt looks harmless now,

but it could grow dangerous.

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Like The Insane Clown Posse.

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Yeah. Good one, Jerry.

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2003 just called.

Lt wants its easy target back.

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Ohh.

He's like a little me!

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Y-You don't think he'll turn

into a monster... do you?

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They always do.

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Hey, uh, 1995 called!

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They want their

"certain year called

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wanting its 'blank' back"

formula back!

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Why, Jerry?

Why expend the effort?

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Life is effort,

and I'll stop when I die!

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- Out.

- Whatcha doin'?

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Well, I can't solve

the problem my way,

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thanks to your family's

primitive biological hang-ups.

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Gross. I might have just

touched one of Morty's loads.

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But maybe I can find suitable

parents for Morty Jr.

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on this robot's home world,

which is...

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Gazorpazorp

in the Andromeda system.

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Scoot, Summer.

- Don't you need a new companion

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now that Morty's

in the family way?

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I don't do adventures

with chicks, Summer.

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Oh, right -- because there's

something about having a wiener

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that would make me better

at walking through a hole?

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- Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

- Oh, crap.

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Grandpa Rick! Ugh!

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Help! Help! Aah! Aah!

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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- Grandpa Rick!

- Still think it's a good idea

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to go through holes

without a wiener?

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- I want to go home.

- Yeah, no duh.

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Ugh!

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Great. Now I have to take

over a whole planet

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because of your stupid

boobs.

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- You're doing great, Morty.

- Really? You think?

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I mean, I'm not doing

much of anything.

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What do I do if it cries?

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Then you put it down

and let it cry itself out.

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Yeah, right. We tried

that technique on Summer,

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and she's gonna end up

stripping, isn't she?

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Yes, she is.

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She's gonna strip

for attention

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because she was denied it.

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Stop filling it

with your own insecurity.

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You're gonna turn it

into Morty --

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uh, mm -- more --

more -- more -- more of you.

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Well, we can't all be

raised like reptiles

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by a mentally ill scientist.

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What the -- aah! Aah!

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Listen to me. I am not

rewarding this behavior.

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Knock it off,

both of you!

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G-Give me him!

Give me my baby!

00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,528

You're both nuts!

00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,072

I'm gonna raise Morty Jr.

myself!

00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,742

♪ Where's your hands?

There's your hands ♪

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♪ And that's how we play

handy hands ♪

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Oh, you are going

to ruin that kid, Morty.

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At least we can agree

on that.

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Thanks, Dum-Dum.

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I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum."

Go get more.

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Summer, put your burqa on!

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That burqa is

a human-rights violation,

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and I spent a lot

on this top.

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Look, I'm trying to

repair a p-portal gun

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with a bunch of sex-doll

parts,

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and I have to do it

one-handed

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to keep these Belushis

from carting you off.

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The least you could do is be

ashamed of your gender.

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Ugh. What's the deal

with this place?

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Why is it such

a sausage planet,

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and how did such backward

idiots invent robots?

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Obviously, at some point,

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the Gazorpians became

so evolved

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that they replaced females

with birthing machines.

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The resultant lack of

distraction and hen-pecking

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allowed them to focus entirely

on war,

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so they bombed themselves back

to the stone age,

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and now they just fight with

each other over fake pussy

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with sticks and rocks

all day long.

00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,760

You think it's efficient

to get rid of women?

00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,845

You ever see a line for

the men's room?

00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,597

Are you hear-- do you Li--

do you hear me, Summer?

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Droppin' loads.

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Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads.

00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:22,191

The plot thickens.

00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,029

Uh, you might want to cover

your eyes, Summer.

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Yeah, like it was

my dream to watch.

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Yeah, baby!

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Summer, grab --

grab hold.

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Yeah, baby!

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Aaaah!

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Grandpa Rick, where

are we going?

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Well, obviously, Summer,

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it appears the lower

tier of this society

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is being manipulated through sex

and advanced technology

00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,928

by a hidden ruling class.

Sound familiar?

00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,888

Ticketmaster.

00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,974

Oh, there -- there we

go, Summer.

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Hey -- hey, brother.

Hey, bro.

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Nice racket you got

going on here.

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Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from

Earth dimension C-137.

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Don't mean you any harm.

Coming in peace.

00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,527

It's all cool in the, uh --

"good in the neighborhood"

00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:08,863

is what I was trying to come --

is what I meant.

00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,409

Oh, I get it --

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the old behind-every-great-man

Amazon twist.

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Silence!

00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,669

- Your slave is ill-mannered.

- My slave?

00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,671

We assume you are

from a more primitive world,

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where men are still

permitted to be servants.

00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,426

If he is a rogue male, tell us

now and we will kill him.

00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,094

He's my slave.

He's my slave.

00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,095

He's definitely my slave.

00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,182

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!

00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,975

Oh, boy.

00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,894

What's the opposite

of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"?

00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,812

Am I right,

ladies and gentlemen?

00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:44,231

Are you guys kidding me?

00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,150

Oh, Morty Jr.!

00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,235

You're gonna be a special

little guy, aren't you?

00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,404

You -- oh, yeah.

You're my special little guy.

00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:52,239

Ohh.

00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,116

Ohh! Ha ha!

00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,117

DA.

00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,702

What was that,

Morty Jr.?

00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,662

Were you gonna say, "Dada"?

Say, "Dada."

00:08:58,747 --> 00:08:59,705

Death!

00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,123

"Dada."

00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,583

Domination!

00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,668

Um... "Dada"?

00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,670

Destruction. Domination.

00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:09,131

Nice.

00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,556

The spider in sector "C" is still alive.

00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,558

Plan your route accordingly

and expect delays.

00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,560

We're not telling you

what to do.

00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,562

We're just sharing

how we feel.

00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,564

And now weather --

is anyone else cold,

00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,650

or is it just me?

00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,737

I am Mar-sha,

ruler of Gazorpazorp.

00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,614

I am here

if you need to talk.

00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,991

- What is this place?

- Paradise.

00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,744

We built it during the great

passive-aggression,

00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,871

when the females separated

from the males

00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,624

due to their increasingly

destructive behavior.

00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,125

I am here

if you need to talk.

00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,086

I am here if you need

to talk.

00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,672

From here, we dispense

mechanical surrogates

00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,173

to maintain our population.

00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,635

Fertilized surrogates are

returned here to our nursery.

00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,638

The females are placed

into educational programs

00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:00,140

where they can discover

a service to our paradise

00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,059

that fulfills them most.

00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,395

Males...

00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:08,065

...they get to play outside.

00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,067

That was just a baby.

00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,069

And within a day, he'll be

an adult male Gazorpian --

00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,988

one of the most aggressively

violent creatures

00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,322

in the universe.

00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,324

Wait a minute -- we're here

because a male Gazorpian

00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,785

was born on our planet.

00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,374

You speak when you're

spoken to, ding-a-ling!

00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,918

It's true, though -- one of your

babies was born on Earth.

00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,254

Are you the ruler of this

Earth?

00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,339

- How did you know?

- The quality of your top.

00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,258

- Do you love it?

- I love it.

00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,676

I'm here if you need to talk.

00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,094

I'm here if you

need to talk.

00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,429

I'm here if you need

to talk.

00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:41,181

If the Gazorpian is male,

your Earth is in grave danger.

00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,017

We will give you passage

back home

00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,435

so it can be terminated.

00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,103

But first, mojitos.

00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,938

We don't have time

for mojitos.

00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:50,316

- You are insulting them.

- I don't care, Summer!

00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,318

This place is the worst!

I want to go home!

00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,320

Well, it really

doesn't matter what you want,

00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,530

because this is a sane place

where women rule.

00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,532

Yeah. You know what

I have to say about that?

00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,620

I cannot believe my ears!

00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,961

Whoo, boy!

Who let the frogs out, huh?

00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,047

Grandpa!

00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,257

- Grandpa?

- That sounds patriarchal!

00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,925

Lt means "father of father."

00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,261

Then this one

is not your slave,

00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,764

and your Earth is yet

another planet dominated by men.

00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,974

It's not dominated

by us, okay?

00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,851

On Earth, men and women

are equals.

00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:29,355

Equals?! We make 70% of your

salary for the same job!

00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,190

- Seize them!

- Whoa!

00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,361

Was this really the time

to make that point, Summer?

00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:38,822

This is for you, Daddy.

00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:40,115

Oh, man!

00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,284

Um, okay.

Listen to me, Morty Jr.

00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,953

I've got to tell you something

very important, okay?

00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,997

Killing is bad --

bad!

00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:48,999

You're silly, Daddy.

00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,251

No, Morty Jr.

I'm being serious, okay?

00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,087

You need to put your energy

into something else.

00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,838

I mean, what about dancing?

00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,298

Would you like to learn

how to dance?

00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,176

I'd like to dance --

on the graves of my enemies.

00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,720

Ohh!

No, Morty Jr.!

00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,224

Daddy, can I go outside?

00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:06,767

No! Absolutely not!

00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,894

But that's where all

the people and the animals are.

00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,146

Yeah, but you can't

go out there because the --

00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,148

the air is poisonous

for you!

00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,525

You will die --

you'll die instantly

00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,443

if you ever leave

this house!

00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:17,778

You hear me?

- For real?

00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,571

For real times

a million, buddy.

00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,031

So, let's just stay inside,

00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,033

and, you know, let's try

dancing, right?

00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,035

Look at me. Yay! Look.

We're gonna dance.

00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,912

Come on. Join --

dance with me here.

00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,705

We love to dance.

- Why do we love to dance?

00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,208

'Cause I said so!

00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:34,044

Nice.

00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,509

So, what are you in for?

00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,636

Because I got --

I got a big,

00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,513

you know, penis

between my legs.

00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,348

What -- what --

what are you in for?

00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,725

The worst crime

a female can commit.

00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,352

Veronica Ann Bennett,

00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,564

I find you guilty of having

bad bangs.

00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,524

You ever notice the ones

with bad bangs

00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,234

always have three

names?

00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,571

You are hereby sentenced

to the silent treatment!

00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,949

Pfft!

This is gonna be cake.

00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,117

No! Jackie!

00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,785

Rick and Summer of Earth,

00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,954

for the crimes of treason

against womankind

00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:12,374

and for creating the sound

of which we do not speak

00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,960

because it does not exist,

you are hereby sentenced to --

00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,045

What, what, what --

a night on the couch?

00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,839

- ...death.

- Ooh, gerp.

00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,716

I hate you so much

right now.

00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,718

This will be

the first instance

00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,720

of capital punishment

in our society

00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,389

in 500 years due

to our awesomeness,

00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,433

so we are forced

to improvise.

00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,478

We placed a large boulder

on that ledge.

00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,105

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna

crush us with a boulder?!

00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,107

No! Stop interrupting!

00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,901

The boulder falls

onto a lever

00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,903

that will launch...

knives.

00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,070

What?

00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,906

Just give me a gun.

I'll kill myself.

00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,574

Stop interrupting!

00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,493

The knives will --

00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,870

Fine! You were right

the first time, okay?

00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,497

The boulder crushes you.

00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:53,499

I just didn't want to admit

you were right. Happy?

00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,501

No, just ignore them.

Ignore them.

00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,169

Such an asshole.

00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,004

Look, I'm sorry, Summer.

00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,797

I feel bad that I let you

drag us into this.

00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,674

I wish I could have been

a better Grandpa to you,

00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,343

and, you know,

for what it's worth,

00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,345

that is a really nice, cute top

that you're wearing there.

00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,180

Top. My top!

00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:11,183

My top -- the same top you

complimented earlier!

00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,520

Look -- look at the tag.

Read it.

00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,314

Lt says, "Marc Jacobs."

00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,442

Marc? Jacob?

These are names of the penis.

00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,570

Yes.

An Earth man made this top.

00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,364

Maybe on your planet,

00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:27,991

separation of the genders is

the right thing to do,

00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,993

but on Earth, a certain

percentage of our males

00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,578

are born gay,

00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:35,123

which is why my clothes are

better than all of yours.

00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,667

A man made something fashionable?

00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:39,670

It's true, and sometimes

the truth hurts,

00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,380

but it must be accepted.

00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,382

Like if I told you that

you're using

00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:45,217

the wrong

color foundation for your skin

00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:47,052

and it ends at your neck,

00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,804

making you look like

a party clown.

00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,098

Okay, ouch. Noted.

But the fact remains...

00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:53,976

if you impose

Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth,

00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,602

you're no better

than the men

00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,938

whose farts shall remain

unspoken.

00:14:58,022 --> 00:14:59,940

And if you think my top

is cute,

00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,942

you cannot execute.

00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,904

Very well. Give the Earth

people a spacecraft

00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,906

so they may head back

to their weird planet,

00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:11,034

where women are kind of equal

but not really.

00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,036

Good job, Summer,

and thanks, girls.

00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,746

You know, you girls are really

something,

00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,331

I'll tell you that.

00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,000

You know when we first

go there, I was like --

00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,626

Give them a ship now.

00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:23,005

Morty Jr.! Smoking?!

00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,506

That is not okay!

00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,799

What are you gonna do --

ground me?

00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,092

I can't go outside anyway!

00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,845

So what?!

You could do things inside!

00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,097

You could play guitar.

You could masturbate.

00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,641

I don't want to masturbate.

I want to conquer the planet!

00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,311

Oh, here we go again!

You know, who do you think...

00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,396

is gonna love you if you conquer

the planet, Morty Jr.?!

00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,064

Love -- that's all you

care about!

00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,524

What about weapons?!

00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,401

What about domination

of the enemy?!

00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,361

All right, that's it --

no more History Channel!

00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,697

This TV is for cartoons

and video games only!

00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,742

I hate video games!

You take that back!

00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:53,452

Give it to me!

00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,454

Ugh!

00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,456

I-I-I didn't mean --

I didn't mean that.

00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,124

I didn't mean to do that.

I'm sorry.

00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,627

I can't take this anymore!

I'd rather breathe poison...

00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:03,629

than live another minute

with you!

00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,964

No! No, no, no! Stop!

00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,471

My life has been a lie!

00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,556

God is dead!

The government's lame!

00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,558

Thanksgiving is about

killing Indians!

00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,393

Jesus wasn't born

on Christmas!

00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,020

They moved the date!

Lt was a pagan holiday!

00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,022

- Oh, Dad!

- Yes, Morty?

00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,024

My son is gonna take

over the planet,

00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,567

and I am too young to drive!

00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,818

Can you help me

get him back?!

00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,822

I suppose, Morty.

I suppose.

00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:34,826

But first, a deep sip

from a very tall glass

00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:37,996

of "I told you so."

00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,585

Oh, my god!

Please, Dad! Come on!

00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:52,761

♪ Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,

00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,846

burnin' inside ♪

00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,058

♪ With the youth in the blood

and the age and the heat

00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:01,186

and the fire in your pants,

open wide ♪

00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,814

♪ You're gonna run from

the damn cold,

00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:07,442

but you can't run from

your youth ♪

00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,883

Dad, there he is!

00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,678

Oh, god.

Hey, stop that!

00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,681

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Dad!

00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,893

Morty Jr., no!

It's me! It's Dad.

00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:44,062

It's okay!

00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,022

Put the car down,

Morty Jr.

00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:48,108

No! No!

♪ Wh-Where's your hands? ♪

00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:51,695

♪ Where's your hands? ♪

00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,113

My car!

00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:57,117

♪ And that's how we play

handy hands ♪

00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,785

Out of the -- out of

the way, Morty!

00:17:58,870 --> 00:17:59,870

- No!

- Morty!

00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:01,663

That's one of the most

violently aggressive

00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,706

creatures in the universe!

00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,458

- Ow!

- He's my son!

00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:08,336

And if you hurt him, you'll

have to kill me, Rick!

00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,594

Dad, I'm so confused!

00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,305

I know, Morty Jr.

I'm sorry.

00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,098

I ended up lying to you

and yelling at you

00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,142

just like my parents

did to me.

00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,561

You know, parents are just

kids having kids.

00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,230

One minute, you like

how a shiny robot looks.

00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,399

The next minute,

you're in a fist fight

00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,318

with your alien son.

00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:32,819

I'm an alien?

00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,821

We all have bad

impulses, bad thoughts.

00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,615

We just have to learn

to channel them

00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,325

into something

constructive.

00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,911

But I want to murder

everyone I see.

00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,746

Well, you know, I mean,

maybe there's a job out there

00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:44,414

for people that feel

that way.

00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,916

Actually, there is.

00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,876

Hi. I'm Brad Anderson,

creator of

00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,086

the nationally syndicated

comic strip "Marmaduke."

00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,088

You should consider being

a creative.

00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,799

I'm haunted by uncontrollable

thoughts

00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,550

of mutilation

and sexual assault

00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,385

on a near daily basis.

00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,971

But, you know, I channel it

all into my work.

00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,681

- Oh. Wow.

- Huh.

00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,767

I never got that impression

from reading "Marmaduke."

00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,310

Well, did you get

the impression

00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,521

I was trying to make

you laugh?

00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,899

Tell me that wasn't

Brad Anderson.

00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:13,109

Aw, see?

You hear that, Morty Jr.?

00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,320

Maybe you could try being

a creative of some kind.

00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,364

Maybe!

I always have sort of wanted

00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:19,658

to see my face

on the back of a novel.

00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,661

I mean, what I really want to do

is slit people's throats,

00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:23,829

but beyond that...

00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:26,122

I know you can do it,

son.

00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,542

I think it's time I get

a place of my own.

00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:31,378

I promise I'll call you

every day I need money

00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:33,588

or a place

to do laundry.

00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,634

Aaaaaaah!

00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:43,348

So, I assume this novel

your son writes

00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:46,810

is gonna pay for my rear axle?

00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,520

Isn't it interesting,

Summer,

00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,522

that after all that stuff

we just did,

00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,607

nothing really mattered

and there was no point to it?

00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,651

Kind of makes you wonder,

huh -- about nothing?

00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:57,070

Are you sure it doesn't

make you re-evaluate

00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,322

your policy about taking

girls on adventures?

00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,449

No. I'd say, given

what we've been through,

00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,951

that I was right

the whole time

00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,953

and any epiphanies

about gender politics were

00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,830

a projection of your feminine

insecurity.

00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,374

But, hey, why don't you have

a pink spaceship?

00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,459

Go ride around and have

a jolly old time.

00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,670

Maybe that'll shut you up.

- Dad? Summer?

00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,297

Where were you guys

this whole time?

00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:16,882

On Gazorpazorp.

Where were you?

00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,508

I was reading

a newspaper.

00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,969

Oh, that's interesting, Beth.

You know, it's funny.

00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,346

l-I-I heard about a little bit

of news myself.

00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,473

Take a look.

T-Take a listen.

00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:30,729

Wubba-lubba-dub-dubs!

00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,480

This

this world

00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,649

still got a --

it's still got a chance!

00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,318

Yeah! Ha ha!

00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:37,944

See you -- see you guys

next week!

00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,487

See everybody next week.

00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:10,810

Mortimer Smith, Jr.,

00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,437

New York Times

bestselling author,

00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,439

your book is about innocence,

the definition of it,

00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,441

and, inevitably,

its impossibility.

00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:18,276

ls it autobiographical?

00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:19,527

Certainly.

00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:22,447

I mean, all writing is,

in my opinion.

00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:25,408

But my, uh --

00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:28,161

My father kept me locked

in the house

00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:30,664

until I was a teenager.

00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,457

And there was violence

00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:35,585

and, uh,

threats of poison gas --

00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,337

but also dancing.

00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,464

But you persevered

and created this masterpiece

00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:40,840

from your suffering.

00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:43,510

Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel,

"My Horrible Father,"

00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:45,470

in every store

and on everyone's mind.

00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,263

Pick it up.

We'll be right back.

00:21:47,348 --> 00:21:48,848

It's a thankless job, Morty.

00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,016

You did the best you could.

00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:52,519

I hope he's eating enough.

00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,480

Did you get any of that?

00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,565

It's a good-a show!

00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,463

for a [burps] broken

defraculator.

00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:08,675

That is multiphase quantum

resonator.

00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:10,510

- Well, does it defraculate?

- Fuck no.

00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,512

Then -- then -- then

it's a broken defraculator.

00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:14,514

Like you would even know dick

about fraculation!

00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:16,224

Your planet

just got cellphones,

00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:18,309

and the coverage

still sucks!

00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,436

RICK:

Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.

00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,271

So, let's say 60 smidgens.

00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,981

I tell you what --

I'll do you a favor.

00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,566

I'll throw in a fart.

00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,568

Hey, uh, Rick, um,

you think

00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:29,404

maybe I could get

something from this place,

00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:31,239

like a souvenir, like,

just to have --

00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:32,990

like, something cool,

you know?

00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,534

Not here, Morty.

We'll stop somewhere else.

00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:36,828

Because, you know, there's

always another pawn shop.

00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,830

MORTY:

Oh, okay. I just, um --

00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,498

you know, I thought that

robot over there

00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,333

looked pretty cool,

you know?

00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,794

Oh, it looks cool, huh?

That's why you want it?

00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,421

Yeah!

You know, I mean...

00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,131

it's different

from the stuff on Earth,

00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:50,133

and, you know, you take me

to all these crazy places

00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,676

across the galaxy,

00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,678

and, you know, I don't

really have anything to --

00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,638

to remember all those

trips by.

00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,640

It'd be kind of cool,

like a souvenir.

00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,392

You know, like, what if

you passed away

00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:00,768

or died

or something?

00:01:00,853 --> 00:01:02,562

I wouldn't even have anything

to remember

00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,355

all the cool stuff

we did, you know?

00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,357

Okay. 60 [burps]

for the resonator,

00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,110

and my grandson

wants the sex robot.

00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,102

[ rhythmic creaking ]

00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,859

So, we're just going

to pretend this isn't happening?

00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,944

I'm not saying that's

a bad idea -- just asking.

00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:53,780

Rick, why would you

let Morty

00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,907

bring that

thing into our house?!

00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,366

I don't know.

What do you want from me?

00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,744

He thi-- he thou--

he thought it looked cool.

00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:00,661

You know what I mean?

00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:01,913

Whew!

00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:05,625

[ gulping ]

00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,418

Ahh. All right.

00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:10,004

Back to -- back to --

b-back upstairs.

00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:11,881

[ footsteps depart,

door closes in distance ]

00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,841

[ rhythmic creaking ]

00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,301

Well, I'm intervening.

00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:16,969

Intervening with

puberty?

00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,430

You'll turn him into

Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon."

00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:22,558

He's at that age.

Let's just be proud of him.

00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,102

Jesus. Did I really set

the bar that low?

00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:26,103

[ footsteps approach ]

00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,397

Um, Rick, could you

come with me, please --

00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,607

q-quickly?

00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:33,611

Okay, now if we hear squeaking,

we intervene.

00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:35,279

[ warbling ]

00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,114

Where's the sex robot,

Morty?

00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:39,325

That is Gwendolyn --

l-I mean, the robot!

00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:41,828

She started beeping, transformed

and tried to fly away!

00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,496

Strange -- that's

usually the man's job.

00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,206

You know what I'm talking

about, Morty?

00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:47,083

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

[ laughs ]

00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,584

Morty!

[laughs]

00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,253

That's my

catchphrase, remember?

00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,922

Remember -- remember how I --

how I cemented that catchphrase?

00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,340

All right.

All right, seriously, though,

00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:55,550

let me

grab this thing.

00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,593

[ grunts ]

00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,470

Come on, you... rascal.

00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:02,557

- Okay, unacceptable! Oh.

- What is going on?

00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,392

- [ giggles ]

- All right. Uh-oh.

00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:06,352

"Uh-oh"? What is that?!

00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,271

Hmm. I think Morty's robot

was designed

00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,731

for more than long

weekends.

00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,527

Genetic compiler,

incubation chamber.

00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:16,445

Yep. This here's some kind

of baby maker,

00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,155

and that there's half Morty,

half --

00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,157

[burps]

who -- who knows wh-what?

00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,243

It's my bad, guys.

I'll -- I'll take care of it.

00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,870

- Grandpa Rick, no, no!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,538

What do you think

you're doing?!

00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,331

Hey, listen -- you guys

quarantined the house

00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,083

when Summer brought olives

back from Mexico.

00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,252

I mean, this thing could grow

to the size of Delaware.

00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,671

I mean, it might eat brains

and exhale space AIDS.

00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:35,506

We gotta be careful.

00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,508

I lost the chance

to be careful, Rick.

00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,843

I'm a father now!

00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,720

You know, it's time for me

to be responsible.

00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,555

Isn't that right...

- Don't name it.

00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,557

- ...Morty Jr.?

- Oh, crap. He named it.

00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,559

Well, Dad, it's a living thing,

and it's half human.

00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,270

And it was born on American

soil, which entitles it to --

00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,272

Jerry, majoring in

Civics was your mistake.

00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:52,690

Don't punish us for it.

00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,233

[ groans ]

Fine.

00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:57,028

I'm gonna take this thing

to my workshop and investigate.

00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,030

Do not let that thing out

of your sight.

00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:02,033

Lt looks harmless now,

but it could grow dangerous.

00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:04,035

Like The Insane Clown Posse.

00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,995

Yeah. Good one, Jerry.

00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,623

2003 just called.

Lt wants its easy target back.

00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,791

Ohh.

He's like a little me!

00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:13,878

Y-You don't think he'll turn

into a monster... do you?

00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,504

They always do.

00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,840

Hey, uh, 1995 called!

00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,342

They want their

"certain year called

00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,260

wanting its 'blank' back"

formula back!

00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:23,304

Why, Jerry?

Why expend the effort?

00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:25,556

Life is effort,

and I'll stop when I die!

00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,602

- Out.

- Whatcha doin'?

00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,395

Well, I can't solve

the problem my way,

00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,397

thanks to your family's

primitive biological hang-ups.

00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:35,733

Gross. I might have just

touched one of Morty's loads.

00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:38,027

But maybe I can find suitable

parents for Morty Jr.

00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:41,864

on this robot's home world,

which is...

00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,866

Gazorpazorp

in the Andromeda system.

00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,869

Scoot, Summer.

- Don't you need a new companion

00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,871

now that Morty's

in the family way?

00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,123

I don't do adventures

with chicks, Summer.

00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,125

Oh, right -- because there's

something about having a wiener

00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,628

that would make me better

at walking through a hole?

00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:58,756

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

- Oh, crap.

00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,716

Grandpa Rick! Ugh!

00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,219

Help! Help! Aah! Aah!

00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,929

[ roars ]

00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,807

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,475

- Grandpa Rick!

- Still think it's a good idea

00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,060

to go through holes

without a wiener?

00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,562

- I want to go home.

- Yeah, no duh.

00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,022

Ugh!

00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:16,273

[ gasps ]

00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:17,733

[ all snarling ]

00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,735

Great. Now I have to take

over a whole planet

00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,113

because of your stupid

boobs.

00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,949

- You're doing great, Morty.

- Really? You think?

00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,784

I mean, I'm not doing

much of anything.

00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,119

What do I do if it cries?

00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,329

Then you put it down

and let it cry itself out.

00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,915

Yeah, right. We tried

that technique on Summer,

00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,126

and she's gonna end up

stripping, isn't she?

00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,627

Yes, she is.

00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:38,629

She's gonna strip

for attention

00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,631

because she was denied it.

00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,050

Stop filling it

with your own insecurity.

00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:45,219

You're gonna turn it

into Morty --

00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:47,430

uh, mm -- more --

more -- more -- more of you.

00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,265

Well, we can't all be

raised like reptiles

00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,058

by a mentally ill scientist.

00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,893

- [ vomits ]

- What the -- aah! Aah!

00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:54,812

[ crying ]

00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,231

Listen to me. I am not

rewarding this behavior.

00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:58,899

Knock it off,

both of you!

00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,735

G-Give me him!

Give me my baby!

00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,528

You're both nuts!

00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,072

I'm gonna raise Morty Jr.

myself!

00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,742

♪ Where's your hands?

There's your hands ♪

00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,369

♪ And that's how we play

handy hands ♪

00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,704

[ giggles ]

00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,914

Oh, you are going

to ruin that kid, Morty.

00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,833

At least we can agree

on that.

00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:17,960

[ all snarling ]

00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,424

[ growling ]

00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:25,968

Thanks, Dum-Dum.

- [ roars ]

00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,554

I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum."

Go get more.

00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,181

Summer, put your burqa on!

00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:32,183

That burqa is

a human-rights violation,

00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,810

and I spent a lot

on this top.

00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,645

Look, I'm trying to

repair a p-portal gun

00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,064

with a bunch of sex-doll

parts,

00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,482

and I have to do it

one-handed

00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,567

to keep these Belushis

from carting you off.

00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,736

The least you could do is be

ashamed of your gender.

00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,197

Ugh. What's the deal

with this place?

00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:47,990

Why is it such

a sausage planet,

00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,326

and how did such backward

idiots invent robots?

00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,994

Obviously, at some point,

00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,412

the Gazorpians became

so evolved

00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:55,956

that they replaced females

with birthing machines.

00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,167

The resultant lack of

distraction and hen-pecking

00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,127

allowed them to focus entirely

on war,

00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,129

so they bombed themselves back

to the stone age,

00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,090

and now they just fight with

each other over fake pussy

00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,591

with sticks and rocks

all day long.

00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,760

You think it's efficient

to get rid of women?

00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,845

You ever see a line for

the men's room?

00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,597

Are you hear-- do you Li--

do you hear me, Summer?

00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,725

[ rumbling ]

Droppin' loads.

00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,895

ALL:

Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads.

00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:22,191

[between burps]

The plot thickens.

00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,860

[ all shouting indistinctly ]

00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,029

Uh, you might want to cover

your eyes, Summer.

00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,156

Yeah, like it was

my dream to watch.

00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,908

[ all murmuring ]

00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,034

Yeah, baby!

00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,745

Summer, grab --

grab hold.

00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,122

Yeah, baby!

00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,581

Aaaah!

00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,211

Grandpa Rick, where

are we going?

00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,838

Well, obviously, Summer,

00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,923

it appears the lower

tier of this society

00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,175

is being manipulated through sex

and advanced technology

00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,928

by a hidden ruling class.

Sound familiar?

00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,888

[ gasps ]

Ticketmaster.

00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,974

Oh, there -- there we

go, Summer.

00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:56,725

Hey -- hey, brother.

Hey, bro.

00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,561

Nice racket you got

going on here.

00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:01,397

Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from

Earth dimension C-137.

00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,649

Don't mean you any harm.

Coming in peace.

00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,527

It's all cool in the, uh --

"good in the neighborhood"

00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:08,863

is what I was trying to come --

is what I meant.

00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,409

Oh, I get it --

00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,953

the old behind-every-great-man

Amazon twist.

00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:18,247

- Silence!

- [ choking ]

00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,791

[ coughs ]

00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,669

- Your slave is ill-mannered.

- My slave?

00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,671

We assume you are

from a more primitive world,

00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,882

where men are still

permitted to be servants.

00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,426

If he is a rogue male, tell us

now and we will kill him.

00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,094

He's my slave.

He's my slave.

00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,095

He's definitely my slave.

00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,722

[ chokes ]

00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,182

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!

00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,975

[ coughs ]

Oh, boy.

00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,894

What's the opposite

of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"?

00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,812

Am I right,

ladies and gentlemen?

00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:44,231

[ burps ]

Are you guys kidding me?

00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,150

MORTY:

Oh, Morty Jr.!

00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,235

You're gonna be a special

little guy, aren't you?

00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,404

You -- oh, yeah.

You're my special little guy.

00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:52,239

Ohh.

[ laughs ]

00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,116

Ohh! Ha ha!

00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,117

DA.

00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,702

What was that,

Morty Jr.?

00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,662

Were you gonna say, "Dada"?

Say, "Dada."

00:08:58,747 --> 00:08:59,705

Death!

00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,123

"Dada."

00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,583

Domination!

00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,668

Um... "Dada"?

00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,670

Destruction. Domination.

00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:09,131

[ clears throat ]

Nice.

00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,556

WOMAN ON PA:

The spider in sector "C" is still alive.

00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,558

Plan your route accordingly

and expect delays.

00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,560

We're not telling you

what to do.

00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,562

We're just sharing

how we feel.

00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,564

And now weather --

is anyone else cold,

00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,650

or is it just me?

00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,737

I am Mar-sha,

ruler of Gazorpazorp.

00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,614

I am here

if you need to talk.

00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,991

- What is this place?

- Paradise.

00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,744

We built it during the great

passive-aggression,

00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,871

when the females separated

from the males

00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,624

due to their increasingly

destructive behavior.

00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,125

I am here

if you need to talk.

00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,086

I am here if you need

to talk.

00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,672

From here, we dispense

mechanical surrogates

00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,173

to maintain our population.

00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,635

Fertilized surrogates are

returned here to our nursery.

00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,638

The females are placed

into educational programs

00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:00,140

where they can discover

a service to our paradise

00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,059

that fulfills them most.

00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,395

Males...

- [ baby giggling ]

00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:08,065

...they get to play outside.

00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,067

That was just a baby.

00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,069

And within a day, he'll be

an adult male Gazorpian --

00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,988

one of the most aggressively

violent creatures

00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,322

in the universe.

00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,324

Wait a minute -- we're here

because a male Gazorpian

00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,785

was born on our planet.

00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,374

You speak when you're

spoken to, ding-a-ling!

00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,918

It's true, though -- one of your

babies was born on Earth.

00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,254

Are you the ruler of this

Earth?

00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,339

- How did you know?

- The quality of your top.

00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,258

- Do you love it?

- I love it.

00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,676

I'm here if you need to talk.

00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,094

I'm here if you

need to talk.

00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,429

I'm here if you need

to talk.

00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:41,181

If the Gazorpian is male,

your Earth is in grave danger.

00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,017

We will give you passage

back home

00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,435

so it can be terminated.

00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,103

But first, mojitos.

00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,938

We don't have time

for mojitos.

00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:50,316

- You are insulting them.

- I don't care, Summer!

00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,318

This place is the worst!

I want to go home!

00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,320

Well, it really

doesn't matter what you want,

00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,530

because this is a sane place

where women rule.

00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,532

Yeah. You know what

I have to say about that?

00:10:58,616 --> 00:10:59,908

[ farting ]

00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,410

[ all gasp ]

00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,620

WOMAN:

I cannot believe my ears!

00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:05,706

[ farting continues ]

00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,961

Whoo, boy!

Who let the frogs out, huh?

00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,047

Grandpa!

00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,257

- Grandpa?

- That sounds patriarchal!

00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,925

Lt means "father of father."

00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,261

Then this one

is not your slave,

00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,764

and your Earth is yet

another planet dominated by men.

00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,974

It's not dominated

by us, okay?

00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,851

On Earth, men and women

are equals.

00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:29,355

Equals?! We make 70% of your

salary for the same job!

00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,190

- Seize them!

- Whoa!

00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:32,608

[ choking ]

00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,361

Was this really the time

to make that point, Summer?

00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:38,822

This is for you, Daddy.

00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:40,115

Oh, man!

00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,284

Um, okay.

Listen to me, Morty Jr.

00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,953

I've got to tell you something

very important, okay?

00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,997

Killing is bad --

bad!

00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:48,999

[ giggles ]

You're silly, Daddy.

00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,251

No, Morty Jr.

I'm being serious, okay?

00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,087

You need to put your energy

into something else.

00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,838

I mean, what about dancing?

00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,298

Would you like to learn

how to dance?

00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,176

I'd like to dance --

on the graves of my enemies.

00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,720

Ohh!

No, Morty Jr.!

00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,224

Daddy, can I go outside?

00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:06,767

No! Absolutely not!

00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,894

But that's where all

the people and the animals are.

00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,146

Yeah, but you can't

go out there because the --

00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,148

the air is poisonous

for you!

00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,525

You will die --

you'll die instantly

00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,443

if you ever leave

this house!

00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:17,778

You hear me?

- For real?

00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,571

For real times

a million, buddy.

00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,031

So, let's just stay inside,

00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,033

and, you know, let's try

dancing, right?

00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,035

Look at me. Yay! Look.

We're gonna dance.

00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,912

Come on. Join --

dance with me here.

00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,705

We love to dance.

- Why do we love to dance?

00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,208

- 'Cause I said so!

- [ crying ]

00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:34,044

[ both clearing throats ]

BOTH: Nice.

00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:38,549

[ indistinct conversations ]

00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,509

So, what are you in for?

00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,636

Because I got --

I got a big,

00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,513

you know, penis

between my legs.

00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,348

What -- what --

what are you in for?

00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,725

The worst crime

a female can commit.

00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,352

WOMAN:

Veronica Ann Bennett,

00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,564

I find you guilty of having

bad bangs.

00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,524

You ever notice the ones

with bad bangs

00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,234

always have three

names?

00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,571

You are hereby sentenced

to the silent treatment!

00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:01,738

[ all gasp ]

00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,949

Pfft!

This is gonna be cake.

00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,117

No! Jackie!

00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,785

Rick and Summer of Earth,

00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,954

for the crimes of treason

against womankind

00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:12,374

and for creating the sound

of which we do not speak

00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,960

because it does not exist,

you are hereby sentenced to --

00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,045

What, what, what --

a night on the couch?

00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,839

- ...death.

- Ooh, gerp.

00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,716

I hate you so much

right now.

00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,718

This will be

the first instance

00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,720

of capital punishment

in our society

00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,389

in 500 years due

to our awesomeness,

00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,433

so we are forced

to improvise.

00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,478

We placed a large boulder

on that ledge.

00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,105

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna

crush us with a boulder?!

00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,107

No! Stop interrupting!

00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,901

The boulder falls

onto a lever

00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,903

that will launch...

knives.

00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,070

What?

00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,906

Just give me a gun.

I'll kill myself.

00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,574

Stop interrupting!

00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,493

The knives will --

00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,870

Fine! You were right

the first time, okay?

00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,497

The boulder crushes you.

00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:53,499

I just didn't want to admit

you were right. Happy?

00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,501

No, just ignore them.

Ignore them.

00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,169

Such an asshole.

00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,004

RICK:

Look, I'm sorry, Summer.

00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,797

I feel bad that I let you

drag us into this.

00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,674

I wish I could have been

a better Grandpa to you,

00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,343

and, you know,

for what it's worth,

00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,345

that is a really nice, cute top

that you're wearing there.

00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,180

Top. My top!

00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:11,183

My top -- the same top you

complimented earlier!

00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,520

Look -- look at the tag.

Read it.

00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,314

Lt says, "Marc Jacobs."

00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,442

Marc? Jacob?

These are names of the penis.

00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,570

Yes.

An Earth man made this top.

00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,364

Maybe on your planet,

00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:27,991

separation of the genders is

the right thing to do,

00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,993

but on Earth, a certain

percentage of our males

00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,578

are born gay,

00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:35,123

which is why my clothes are

better than all of yours.

00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,667

[ gasps ]

A man made something fashionable?

00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:39,670

It's true, and sometimes

the truth hurts,

00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,380

but it must be accepted.

00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,382

Like if I told you that

you're using

00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:45,217

the wrong

color foundation for your skin

00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:47,052

and it ends at your neck,

00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,804

making you look like

a party clown.

00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,098

Okay, ouch. Noted.

But the fact remains...

00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:53,976

if you impose

Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth,

00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,602

you're no better

than the men

00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,938

whose farts shall remain

unspoken.

00:14:58,022 --> 00:14:59,940

And if you think my top

is cute,

00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,942

you cannot execute.

00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,485

[ all gasp ]

00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,904

Very well. Give the Earth

people a spacecraft

00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,906

so they may head back

to their weird planet,

00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:11,034

where women are kind of equal

but not really.

00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,036

Good job, Summer,

and thanks, girls.

00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,746

You know, you girls are really

[burps] something,

00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,331

I'll tell you that.

00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,000

You know [burps] when we first

go there, I was like --

00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,626

Give them a ship now.

00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:23,005

[ inhales deeply ]

Morty Jr.! Smoking?!

00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,506

That is not okay!

00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,799

What are you gonna do --

ground me?

00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,092

I can't go outside anyway!

00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,845

So what?!

You could do things inside!

00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,097

You could play guitar.

You could masturbate.

00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,641

I don't want to masturbate.

I want to conquer the planet!

00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,311

Oh, here we go again!

You know, who do you think...

00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,396

is gonna love you if you conquer

the planet, Morty Jr.?!

00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,064

Love -- that's all you

care about!

00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,524

What about weapons?!

00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,401

What about domination

of the enemy?!

00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,361

All right, that's it --

no more History Channel!

00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,697

This TV is for cartoons

and video games only!

00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,742

I hate video games!

You take that back!

00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:53,452

Give it to me!

00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,454

Ugh!

00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,456

I-I-I didn't mean --

I didn't mean that.

00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,124

I didn't mean to do that.

I'm sorry.

00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,627

I can't take this anymore!

I'd rather breathe poison...

00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:03,629

than live another minute

with you!

00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,964

No! No, no, no! Stop!

00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:09,426

[ breathing deeply ]

00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,471

My life has been a lie!

00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,556

God is dead!

The government's lame!

00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,558

Thanksgiving is about

killing Indians!

00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,393

Jesus wasn't born

on Christmas!

00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,020

They moved the date!

Lt was a pagan holiday!

00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,022

- Oh, Dad!

- Yes, Morty?

00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,024

My son is gonna take

over the planet,

00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,567

and I am too young to drive!

00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,818

Can you help me

get him back?!

00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,028

[ clears throat ]

00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,822

I suppose, Morty.

I suppose.

00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:34,826

But first, a deep sip

from a very tall glass

00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:37,996

of "I told you so."

00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:41,166

[ gulping ]

00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,585

Oh, my god!

Please, Dad! Come on!

00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,587

[ dog barking in distance ]

00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:52,761

♪ Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,

00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,846

burnin' inside ♪

00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,058

♪ With the youth in the blood

and the age and the heat

00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:01,186

and the fire in your pants,

open wide ♪

00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,814

♪ You're gonna run from

the damn cold,

00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:07,442

but you can't run from

your youth ♪

00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,570

[ roaring ]

00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,244

[ tires screech ]

00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:20,080

[ people screaming ]

00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:23,375

[ tires screech ]

00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:26,378

[ screaming continues ]

00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,883

Dad, there he is!

00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,176

[ roars ]

00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,678

Oh, god.

Hey, stop that!

00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,054

[ horn honks ]

00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,681

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Dad!

00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:38,682

[ roars ]

00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,893

Morty Jr., no!

It's me! It's Dad.

00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:44,062

It's okay!

00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,022

Put the car down,

Morty Jr.

00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:48,108

No! No!

♪ Wh-Where's your hands? ♪

00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:51,695

♪ Where's your hands? ♪

00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,113

My car!

00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:57,117

♪ And that's how we play

handy hands ♪

00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,785

Out of the -- out of

the way, Morty!

00:17:58,870 --> 00:17:59,870

- No!

- Morty!

00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:01,663

That's one of the most

violently aggressive

00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,706

creatures in the universe!

00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,458

- Ow!

- He's my son!

00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:08,336

And if you hurt him, you'll

have to kill me, Rick!

00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:12,924

[ growls ]

00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,594

Dad, I'm so confused!

00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,305

I know, Morty Jr.

I'm sorry.

00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,098

I ended up lying to you

and yelling at you

00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,142

just like my parents

did to me.

00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,561

You know, parents are just

kids having kids.

00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,230

One minute, you like

how a shiny robot looks.

00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,399

The next minute,

you're in a fist fight

00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,318

with your alien son.

00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:32,819

I'm an alien?

00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,821

We all have bad

impulses, bad thoughts.

00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,615

We just have to learn

to channel them

00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,325

into something

constructive.

00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,911

But I want to murder

everyone I see.

00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,746

Well, you know, I mean,

maybe there's a job out there

00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:44,414

for people that feel

that way.

00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,916

MAN:

Actually, there is.

00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,876

Hi. I'm Brad Anderson,

creator of

00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,086

the nationally syndicated

comic strip "Marmaduke."

00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,088

You should consider being

a creative.

00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,799

I'm haunted by uncontrollable

thoughts

00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,550

of mutilation

and sexual assault

00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,385

on a near daily basis.

00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,971

But, you know, I channel it

all into my work.

00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,681

- Oh. Wow.

- Huh.

00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,767

I never got that impression

from reading "Marmaduke."

00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,310

Well, did you get

the impression

00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,521

I was trying to make

you laugh?

00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,899

Tell me that wasn't

Brad Anderson.

00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:13,109

Aw, see?

You hear that, Morty Jr.?

00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,320

Maybe you could try being

a creative of some kind.

00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,364

Maybe!

I always have sort of wanted

00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:19,658

to see my face

on the back of a novel.

00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,661

I mean, what I really want to do

is slit people's throats,

00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:23,829

but beyond that...

00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:26,122

I know you can do it,

son.

00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,542

I think it's time I get

a place of my own.

00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:31,378

I promise I'll call you

every day I need money

00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:33,588

or a place

to do laundry.

00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:34,756

[ growling affectionately ]

00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,634

Aaaaaaah!

00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,845

[ whoosh! thud! ]

00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:43,348

So, I assume this novel

your son writes

00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:46,810

is gonna pay for my rear axle?

00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,520

Isn't it interesting,

Summer,

00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,522

that after all that stuff

we just did,

00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,607

nothing really mattered

and there was no point to it?

00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,651

Kind of makes you wonder,

huh -- about nothing?

00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:57,070

Are you sure it doesn't

make you re-evaluate

00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,322

your policy about taking

girls on adventures?

00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,449

No. I'd say, given

what we've been through,

00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,951

that I was right

the whole time

00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,953

and any epiphanies

about gender politics were

00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,830

a projection of your feminine

insecurity.

00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,374

But, hey, why don't you have

a pink spaceship?

00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,459

Go ride around and have

a jolly old time.

00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,670

Maybe that'll shut you up.

- Dad? Summer?

00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,297

Where were you guys

this whole time?

00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:16,882

On Gazorpazorp.

Where were you?

00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,508

I was reading

a newspaper.

00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,969

Oh, that's interesting, Beth.

You know, it's funny.

00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,346

l-I-I heard about a little bit

of news myself.

00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,473

Take a look.

T-Take a listen.

00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,392

[ farting ]

00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:29,603

[ both laugh ]

00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:30,729

Wubba-lubba-dub-dubs!

00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,480

This [burps]

this world [burps]

00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,649

still got a --

it's still got a chance!

00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,318

Yeah! Ha ha!

00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:37,944

See you -- see you guys

next week!

00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,487

See everybody next week.

00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:10,810

Mortimer Smith, Jr.,

00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,437

New York Times

bestselling author,

00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,439

your book is about innocence,

the definition of it,

00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,441

and, inevitably,

its impossibility.

00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:18,276

ls it autobiographical?

00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:19,527

Certainly.

00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:22,447

I mean, all writing is,

in my opinion.

00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:25,408

But my, uh --

[ clears throat ]

00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:28,161

My father kept me locked

in the house

00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:30,664

until I was a teenager.

00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,457

And there was violence

00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:35,585

and, uh,

threats of poison gas --

00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,337

but also dancing.

00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,464

But you persevered

and created this masterpiece

00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:40,840

from your suffering.

00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:43,510

Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel,

"My Horrible Father,"

00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:45,470

in every store

and on everyone's mind.

00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,263

Pick it up.

We'll be right back.

00:21:47,348 --> 00:21:48,848

It's a thankless job, Morty.

00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,016

You did the best you could.

00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:52,519

I hope he's eating enough.

00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,480

Did you get any of that?

00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,565

It's a good-a show!